When Your Narcissistic Ex Re-Marries

“Pre Wedding” by arztsamui via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

February 2016 

 names have been omitted or changed in this post 

*****************

My daughter and I exchanged our I love you's and goodbyes and then I ended the FaceTime call. I walked into the den where my mother was seated on the taupe couch watching Fixer Upper with Chip and Joanna Gaines on HGTV.

"Oh, I love this show…"I told her, curling up on the couch and reaching for my favorite mug to take a sip of cranberry juice. "Joanna is so talented… everything she does turns out beautifully."

My mother agreed and grinned at me "And he knows how to fix stuff."

"I know, and they are so down to earth." I smiled.

"So how was your phone call? How is she doing?" She asked me, referring to my daughter who was about to end her week at her dad's and return to me.

"It was good… she seemed okay."I told her. "She said he asked Georgina to marry him on Valentine's Day. She said yes." I told my mother referring to my ex and his girlfriend who traveled back and forth from London and the states.

She looked at me. "Well, I'm not surprised. We kinda figured it was coming. Good. Maybe it will keep him busy. But it won't last." She told me.

I nodded. "I know, my thoughts exactly. I know it won't as well. We really haven't been divorced that long considering the length of our marriage and there he goes jumping into another one ready to make the same mistakes. He has to have someone so badly. It's unreal. Can't be on his own for five minutes. And I question her decision making. She's leaving her own young daughter back in London to come over here and marry him… flying back and forth to see her child… who does that? They don't have single eligible men in London?" I questioned.

My mother shook her head with a grimace. "I agree. It's a ridiculous set up. Eventually it will all fall apart." She remarked.

"I was actually thinking about picking up a cake and bottle of wine… I'm just so glad it's not me marrying him… can I get an AMEN? That's reason enough to celebrate." I smiled.

***************

When the ex narcissistic sociopath re-marries it's typically quick; on the speedy heels of their divorce. It has to be… because supply is dwindling fast and needs to be replaced(!)… when they became separated or their divorce was finalized their ego took a hard hit… let's face it, their ego hit the floor like a busted watermelon splitting into a million pieces and they had to find a way to pick themselves back up and look good in the mirror and world once again.


When we think about it, it's so bizarre that a narcissistic sociopath wants to rush into marriage… that they hurry to tie down the next one and make it legal… because in reality they suck at marriage. They don't really want a loving, healthy marriage where two people come together to share their love for one another, their feelings, thoughts, dreams, etc. Instead it's about a one sided selfish agenda of:

How does this person make me look? 
How does this person enhance my likability? 
How does this person boost my image to the outside world? 
Is he or she attractive, wealthy, smart, talented, educated, etc? 

And that's what is so mind boggling… again, they suck at marriage because first, it's really all about them and secondly, there's this new person they've suckered into loving them. All the while they plan to screw them over in various ways… by cheating, manipulating, stone-walling, gas-lighting, etc.


It's all about them.


You Are Bought Like Cattle…
The narcissistic sociopath views marriage as a business deal… you are purchased after he has deemed you worthy of supply for the short term (because longterm doesn't exist with a personality disordered individual; eventually he will grow bored, you will age or begin to rebel as you realize the manipulation you have endured, gaining strength to finally leave). Realizing you deserve better, you take the first step to disentangle yourself from the narc while he's off hunting for the next supply or already enmeshed with one or even several; juggling them like pearls trying to choose the best one, the one that will bring the best return on his "investment".


Starting Again… 
That's why when someone who has been with a narcissistic sociopath begins to dip their toes into the dating pool again they are highly suspicious of anyone trying to get close too quickly… the one who begins voicing admiration and affection (love-bombing) for us makes us uncomfortable at best… maybe even nervous and downright panicked… looking for an exit to flee to, we may hurriedly put the brakes on any romantic relationship beginning to bud. Even if we are feeling a connection and see potential in a relationship everything in us screams that we are about to be trapped like an unsuspecting ladybug and that at any moment we could be indefinitely detained from flying away. Some might say that's paranoia talking, some might say we need to relax, some might say we will never find love if we keep flying away… but someone who has good intentions realizes that forming a friendship first and foremost is vital and any romantic aspect can wait… that true love is slow to form and not instantaneous or rushed.


We just want real love. 
We won't settle for anything less. 


The narcissistic sociopath may say sweet things, may do nice things, may seemingly love you with all his or her (empty) little heart… but it's all a facade… it's what's required to get the job done… like a business deal when you marry them you sign a contract to assist them, to cater to them, to help them feel good about themselves… and then one day you get your pink slip and are sent packing… you're dismissed(!) sent on your way back out into the wild…

But it's ironic… because out there you fight tooth and nail to stand on your own again and you do just that… with fists of determination you channel your inner Scarlett O'Hara; you rise, you stand tall and strong and curl your lip with satisfaction that you made it… maybe you're a wee bruised, maybe you're a little tired, maybe you're a bit jaded… but bit by bit you overcame and are just so grateful… so very incredibly thankful when you hear they are re-marrying that it's not you signing up for the orchestrator of chaos… because you've lived that crazy channel and there's nothing new to watch.

It's the same show.

on repeat. 

every. darn. time. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 


RELATED POSTS:

20 Examples Of How A Narcissist Uses You

The Narcissistic Sociopath: Hidden Agenda's

Is She A Sociopath? 20 Signs

Fathers And Husbands: Protective Or Predatory

“Traveling At Speed Of Light” by digidreamgrafix via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

September 2015 

names have been omitted in this post, 
some descriptions have been changed 

****************

It was a Saturday night and I sat curled up in the booth across from him wearing black shorts and an oversized top… September was finally bringing cooler temperatures and we were thankful… with that it was time to indulge in some comfort food. Couples sat in nearby booths enjoying their southern-style meals and our friendly waitress stopped by to refill our glasses of iced tea and water along with dropping off another basket of warm rolls and cornbread. A hot plate of classic meat loaf, mashed potatoes with gravy and macaroni and cheese sat before me. Seated across from me, he sliced into his chicken fried steak and listened while I spoke…

"It was in the weeks after I returned home to my parents from being gone, that he sat outside the house everyday in his Mercedes waiting… " I said, referring to my rapist, as I took a bite of meat loaf.

"Waiting for you to come outside and see him?" He confirmed.

"Yeah" I nodded as I chewed. "My dad said it was embarrassing for him, a Vietnamese guy to be sitting outside like that… for the whole neighborhood to see… the neighbors likely wondering what he was doing out there. He was more concerned with appearances than anything. More concerned with things that didn't matter like race than what truly did matter in life like people's actions." I told him with a resigned look. "He wanted me to get rid of him. I told him I could go talk to him… ride around the block and tell him to stop coming around, explain things to him." I paused and then continued…"I didn't want to be in either place... neither was a good choice... it's bad when you need a third option, when you don't have a good option for a place to live because both are oppressive, not protective. But my dad agreed to me doing that and I went outside, got in his car to talk to him, to tell him to stop coming around."

Across from me seated in the booth, his jaw set, he looked at me and his eyes flashed with anger… "What father allows his daughter to do that?" He demanded. "I would have gone outside with my gun, shot out every single one of his tires so he couldn't drive off and then dealt with him myself."

I looked down at my fork and dabbed at my mashed potatoes, swirling the cream gravy atop it. "Yeah… I went through my years of anger toward him… but prayer helped a lot… I don't feel any anger toward him anymore. On some level I blamed myself initially… I told myself I put myself in a bad situation… what could I really expect? But as time passed I realized that wasn't a valid point. Bao whom I stayed with first always looked out for me. Protected me. He never crossed a line. So people always have the power to be protective or predatory. They make that choice. And race has nothing to do with it. There are people who do terrible things and those who don't no matter what race."I reflected.


He nodded and agreed, listening intently.

"My anger was much more intense toward my father." I told him. "Rage, really. Now I don't feel anything. Just done." I told him, took a sip of ice water and then continued, back to the point. "Ultimately my talk with him didn't go as I thought it would." I said, referring to my rapist. "I really thought I could reason with him. I had returned home without any interference from him but as time had passed he didn't take it well. So I got in his car, I tried to talk to him, my intentions were good, I was so messed up from being with him… I guess what you would call Stockholm syndrome. But… he took off and got on the freeway with me in the car. He wouldn't stop, he wouldn't listen. I told him to let me out. But he wouldn't…" I trailed off.

It was like yesterday… images of I-35 going by in a streak of bright colors lit up in the night from businesses as I peered out the window wishing I wasn't behind the glass. I remember grasping the pale gray leather hand rest in a panic and pleading with him to let me go. Now my mind switched gears from 1994 to the present and I looked at my friend sitting across from me in the booth wearing a ball cap.

He shook his head and looked at me, his eyes pained and his deep voice conveying care… "You don't have to relive it… " He told me, his presence one of warmth, reaching across the table to grasp my hand in comfort. I gently squeezed it back and smiled with appreciation for him.

*****************

A daughter… whether she's a girl, a teenager or young woman looks to her father for two things… being provided for and being protected by him. Her father is by far the most important male influence in her life and her relationship with him will set the tone for how she lives her teenage years… her promiscuity or lack thereof, her choices in men and later on whom she marries. But unfortunately father's may make the mistake of pulling away… withdrawing from her life erroneously believing that his wife, her mother can fill every need that must be met. Fathers, if they have sons as well, may put their focus primarily on them hence leaving their daughters out in the cold… leaving her questioning his love, affection and care. Girls and women want affirmation from their fathers that they are worthy and valued. If they don't feel this from their dads they look elsewhere for it… unfortunately often unwittingly in the arms of another man… a man who is not a good choice for them.

A girl sees how her father treats her mother… she is watching and taking mental notes even if not cognizant of it at the time… she is learning by her father's actions toward her mother how a man treats a woman… a woman he supposedly loves. She will note when he is impatient and barks at her mother… she will note when he intimidates her mother with his fist in a wall… she will notice when he drives erratically because her mother voices an opinion he doesn't like… she will live these various scenarios of abusive behavior and will one day look for a man who is just like her father… or at least some similar variation of him.

It's then that the toxic cycle continues and another generation suffers needlessly… when love is not protective and is certainly anything but love… but instead predatory/oppressive. 

pro·tec·tor

/prəˈtektər/

noun

a person or thing that protects someone or something

pred·a·to·ry

/ˈpredəˌtôrē/

adjective

seeking to exploit or oppress others

So it begins with fathers… what they say to their daughters, the time they spend with them and how they treat their wives will define whether they are protectors or predatory/oppressive in nature. Words are important and actions are even moreso. It will determine the type of man your daughter will one day marry… lay the groundwork now for who that will be… hopefully a man who would die for her, who will protect her, who will do anything to keep her safe and knows her great value as Christ's daughter.  


10 Things A Father Should Tell His Daughter:

1. God loves you. 
2. I love you. 
3. I love your mother. 
4. I'm glad you're here. 
5. You're beautiful. 
6. You matter. 
7. What you think, feel and believe matters. 
8. God wants you to wait to have sex until after you marry. 
9. Waiting to be sexually intimate until after you marry is what's best for you. 
10. No matter what I will always be here for you and love you. 


10 Questions A Father Should Ask His Daughter:

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
2. What do you dream about doing?
3. What matters to you?
4. What makes you cry?
5. What makes you laugh?
6. What do you like about me?
7. What do you dislike about me?
8. What do you like about yourself? 
9. What do you dislike about yourself? 
10. What do you believe about Jesus Christ? 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015                                                                                                                                                                            

we stand united together when we as citizens 

and the police remember that 

ALL LIVES MATTER 

RELATED POSTS:

The Narcissistic Sociopath: They Are Only Trying To Help You

11 Things I Learned From My Childhood

Child Custody/Possession Schedule & The Narc Ex: 4 Tips

10 Signs He Truly Loves You

“Romantic Couple Embracing” by imagery majestic 

via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

How do you know if he truly loves you?

There are many many signs to look for… notably actions.

With a world today so ensconced in lustful instant gratification we may confuse that mindset with the slow simmering gradual growth of sweet love between a man and woman and be unable to differentiate the two. But with the conscious choice to pay particular attention to actions versus words…. we can find our way to what the truth is in the relationship we have with another… leading us to make the decision… is it really love and do we wish to stay… or is it anything but and it's time to part ways?


10 Signs He Truly Loves You:


1. He makes you feel safe… this is so incredibly important. If a woman doesn't feel safe with a man… it will never work. If he's constantly pushing boundaries with you, if he's always asking for more and more… if he's volatile toward you in any way either mentally, physically, emotionally, etc… if he's pressuring you for sex before your ready/before marriage… if he's not respectful toward you… if he lets other men mistreat you and doesn't speak up… if he doesn't look out for you simply because you're Christ's daughter, he's not loving you.


2. He owns up to his screw up… if he DOES screw up… he apologizes and without having to be prompted to. He sits down, faces you and admits he shouldn't have done x,y,z… (abuse gets no second chances, btw) and then explains how he's going to ensure that doesn't happen again. Then he sticks to it. Someone who isn't truly re-pentful will say he's sorry a million times but continue the negative behaviors. If his actions don't back up his words… they mean nothing. Look for changed behavior and a willingness to adhere to what he's promised you.


3. He tells you he loves you and is vulnerable with you… He tells you how he feels about you without prompting or questioning from you. No one should have to be begged to share how they feel about someone. He is forthright in his feelings toward you and it doesn't just include a physical attraction but a deep tender affection for your heart, soul and personality as well. He shares his own fears, hopes and dreams with you… he shares his past, his ugly, his beauty, his triumphs and his joys… nothing is off limits and each knows there is not judgment of the past but only a safe place to be with one another.

TRUE LOVE IS FRIENDSHIP

 SET ON FIRE… 

“Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable…" - Bruce Lee 

4. He wants you to be comfortable with him… One of his desires should be for you to be comfortable enough with him to say: "No" to him (even if he doesn't like it) to be able to sit in comfortable silence with him… to be able to say exactly what is on your mind laced with tact and graceful love… he should want you to have the ability to be your complete and honest, authentic, genuine self with him at all times… and if he's expecting someone else… he's not for you… love doesn't include being a doormat or not yourself.

First act of love was 
Finding myself again
The hardest thing to do
Was standing up to you

Otep "Nein"

5. He puts you first… right after Christ. He should be praying for you daily… and for guidance in his relationship with you. His priority should be to love you with actions that reflect Christ's love for you… he may desire you with all his heart but if you come on too strongly physically in the heat of the moment he should step back… out of love and tell you "No" and draw a line. He should be direct and tell you: "We aren't having sex until were married" and then stick to it. (and vice versa) Everyone has temptation, even Christians… but both individuals must stand strong in our love for Christ and remain in obedience for our bodies are sacred.


6. He's always honest… He never ever lies to you. Better to hurt me with the truth than hurt me with a lie… betrayal is the worst thing we can endure without a doubt… especially when it comes to someone who we trusted and gave our heart to. That's why it's so incredibly important that if we ever discover a partner lying to us… the very first time… that's a sign to leave. (Whether man or woman… dishonesty should never be tolerated… and cheating comes under the umbrella of lying… you can't cheat without lying)

She'll lie and steal and cheat,

 and beg you from her knees
Make you think she means it this time
She'll tear a hole in you, 

the one you can't repair

 "Stubborn Love"  The Lumineers 

7. He sees your beauty… He sees your beauty not just when done up to the nines but in the everyday…  not just how alluring you look dressed when up to go out but also in how you wrinkle your nose when you sniff a yucky scented candle, or the loose tendrils that fall around your face from a messy bun… or the way you sigh with contentment when resting your head on his shoulder… everything you do becomes beautiful including your inner strength, your wit, your personality and hopes. Then he tells you exactly what speaks to him.


8. He shows affection… He will show affection for you in all the little ways… resting his hand on the small of your back, taking your hand, etc.


9. He's protective of you… He walks on the side of the sidewalk closet to the street. He holds your hand when crossing, he walks with confidence (not arrogance) that no one is coming between you and him when out… he drives carefully and would never put you in harm's way.


10. He desires depth over gloss… Image, stuff, materialism, etc… all the stuff that really doesn't matter… we don't look at what someone owned when they die. We look at who they were. We look at how they loved. When we smile with tender sentimentality at a story in our Facebook newsfeed it's about the couple who is eighty and died hours or days apart, who loved each other to the very end… who were crazy about each other… who had depth… who wanted a meaningful life filled with endless love, peace, adventure and complete transparency and trust. Those are the couples who thrive with long enduring substantial love… who share depth not a shallow and fleeting existence.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

And others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know it's true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

"Bless The Broken Road" Rascal Flatts  

RELATED POSTS: 

"The One Everyone Wants": 5 Types To Avoid

Dating After Divorce: 5 Questions To Ask Yourself

10 Signs You're Dating A Narcissistic Sociopath

Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing! 

Follow on Pinterest

Follow on Facebook

The Narcissist And Their Pursuit Of Perfectionism

“Bulls Eye Target Shows Excellence And Skill” by Stuart Miles via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Perfectionism


It goes with Narcissism like peanut butter goes with jelly.

Narcissus, the hunter in Greek Mythology was known for his handsome looks… when he discovered his beautiful reflection in a pool of water he was so enamored with his image he fell in love with it… hence drowning. From the name Narcissus came the term we know today as Narcissism... defined as a fixation on one's own self.

Narcissists crave positive 

social feedback 

One would think at first glance that narcissists are secure in themselves, that they have a healthy self esteem but in reality they are quite insecure and feel best when receiving positive feedback from others because the voice of their critical narcissistic parent since childhood is alive and well in their head… continuing the destructive verbiage that they don't measure up. These grown adults have lost their true sense of self because their self is intertwined with their parent they grew up with… they are still an extension of their narcissistic parent's fragile ego.

A Narcissist/Perfectionist:

1. Demands nothing less than perfection from others.

2. Is hardest on their spouse.

3. Expects unquestioning compliance.

4. Sees themselves as requiring special treatment.

5. Lives a "my way or the highway" type mentality.

Narcissists are intolerant of imperfection as they believe it reflects poorly on them and others will view them as less than. This is why living with a narcissist is impossible… the spouse takes the brunt of the stress in the relationship… if they aren't "perfect" then it will surely reflect poorly on their narcissistic partner and the narcissist can't have that.

If you are requiring your partner to be perfect… 

there will be marital problems guaranteed. 

The Spouse of a Narcissist: 

You are viewed as an extension of the narcissist's ego
You are viewed as the "blame" for anything going wrong in the relationship
You are viewed as merely a trophy by the narcissist that better not change, get sick or age
You will never be able to get emotionally close to a narcissist
You will never be able to receive a healthy, close and safe love with a narcissist
You will never be able to "criticize" a narcissist even with fair, careful and tactful feedback
You will be devalued and invalidated anytime you try to voice your concerns

So why are they perfectionists?

They had one or two parents that were narcissistic… a parent(s) that made them feel inadequate, insecure, not good enough. Their parent talked down to them… disparaged them, talked to them like they were an idiot… grabbed their shirt collar and screamed how incredibly stupid they were when working on a project… they demeaned them in front of other family members using them as a prime example for others of what not to do… they were held to such extremely high standards… standards no one could meet.


Perfectionists make terrible parents… they pressure their children to be perfect… and if a child feels they cannot live up to the expectations… inevitably they may choose to throw in the towel, figuring what's the point (?!) and rebel instead… leading to poor choices… failing grades, drug use, promiscuity, etc. The best approach parents can take to prevent the development of perfectionism is to have an open dialogue with their children in what they are achieving… to strive for personal excellence, not perfectionism… and that at the end of the day failure/missing the mark, etc never equates to losing a parents love.

If a child brings home a paper with a ninety a perfectionistic parent may say:

 "If you can get a ninety you can get a hundred." 

They always expect more and more. 

As adults perfectionists are often all about productivity… which translates to working all the time; the classic workaholic along with being rigid in their outlook, controlling in their relationships, cheap in their spending and and critical of others. They grow up with you guessed it… a controlling perfectionistic parent(s). Perfectionism is a killer to a relationship, namely a marriage… in that the perfectionist often takes on the authoritative role… they know how to do everything best, won't accept feedback, minimize their own weaknesses and exaggerate the flaws of even the most trivial of their spouse.

"We who are strong ought to bear with the failings
 of the weak and not to please ourselves." 

Romans 15:1

When it comes to perfectionism one must choose their battles… how the dishwasher is loaded doesn't really matter… how the food and drinks are arranged in the refrigerator aren't a make or break situation… 

At the end of the day… our marriages must be laced with grace and humbleness to succeed, not a desire of pleasing one's self through the pursuit of perfection. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

RELATED POSTS:


The Narcissistic Sociopath: Are They Lying? Are Their Lips Moving?

Couple Spat On Aisle 5 ~ 3 Tips

20 Signs Of An Abusive Marriage

To My Readers: Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing! 

What Every Daughter Needs To Hear From Her Parents

“Dad And Daughter Playing Airplane” 

by imagery majestic via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Daughters.

From the moment they are conceived we as parents have so much hope for them.

We hope for a smooth birth, on-target developmental milestones, a childhood of sweet memories, a solid education, a relationship with Christ, a circle of loving folks who care about them… people who have their best interests who pray for and help guide them to adulthood.

Then one day they meet a man…

and they get engaged to soon marry.

We, along with our daughter, may fall into the woozy trap of pre-wedding bliss… becoming wrapped up in the dizzying spin of wedding plans… bridal registry, gifts, dresses, color schemes, venues, cakes and vows… we become all-consumed with helping to choose the right invites, the most flattering photographer and the best honeymoon destination.

As parents we are there, side by side… helping, guiding and giving input, albeit perhaps not always wanted… we are fluttering about, worrying about details that perhaps are not really truly important at the end of the day but that seem so then.

But in all those moments… in all those whirlwind days of shopping, of ohhh's and awe's… there were without a doubt a moment or two that brought tears to your eyes… a moment or two that pulled your heartstrings… that made you think to yourself: I want to freeze time; this moment with her.

And then, it's gone. Just like that.

But there is one moment as a parent you really need to have with your daughter.

Before you proceed to walk her down the aisle on that save the date…

Before you clasp her sweet hand in yours and lean in to whisper "I love you"…

Before you nod to the groom and peck her blushed cheek as you give her away…

Please take a moment… take one moment to tell your daughter this:

"You're always welcome back home." 


Granted, you may like the man she's marrying… you may steadfastly believe that she's about to become one with an honorable, kind, trustworthy and faithful man. You may hold him in high esteem and already consider him to be like a son to you. You may have already seen him handle difficulties with your daughter with grace, understanding and love. You may have already seen him as a mixture of strength and sweetness when your daughter has admittedly been less than lovely. You may have already witnessed his ability to admit he was wrong in a humble manner. You may have complete faith that this couple is fully capable of putting Christ first and keeping their covenant sacred above all other relationships. You may with complete certainty believe he loves her without a doubt… with his whole heart and would without question lay down his own life in any situation for your daughter.

BUT… WHAT IF YOU'RE WRONG?

What if he's not who you think he is?
What if he's not truly who he's portrayed himself as?
What if he is not anything like what you believe him to be?


All fathers… all parents need to have an all important conversation with their daughter when they marry… that in the event this man is not who he has claimed to be… that if indeed this man turns out to be a walking nightmare… if his mask falls bit by bit after the wedding day… or even years down the road… she needs to be told in no uncertain words she is always welcome back home.


She needs to be told she does not have to take abuse.
She needs to be told she doesn't have to "suck it up and keep trying."
She needs to be told she doesn't have to worry you won't want her back.
She needs to be told that cheating doesn't have to be
 "tolerated" and swept under the rug.
She needs to be told she doesn't have to be concerned with such frivolous things like how she and two children would merge back into your home…
even if only for an interim because they are ALWAYS welcome.
She needs to be told that you will not be angry with her.
She needs to be told "It will be okay and we will figure it out."
She needs to be told that you will be there for her. Always. Any time day or night.
She needs to be told that it is okay to say "I made a mistake. I'm coming home."


One day you will "give away" your little girl… you will hand over your leadership, your protection, your financial providing... to her soon to be husband… entrusting he will step up to the plate and handle his responsibilities well.

Hopefully as your daughter's primary male role model, as her father, you have taught her that ultimately she is God's daughter; that she is worthy of being loved and loved well… that she is loved by Christ who died for her on the cross… that she has a Savior who adores her and in turn she has sought a man who reflects love.

But if for whatever reason her happily ever after ends up becoming the worst nightmare ever…

Let her know she is always welcome back home.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

5 Tips For Father's:

1. It's so important that fathers have developed an intentional disciple-type relationship with whom their daughter is planning to marry. You have an awesome opportunity to help guide this man spiritually and model being a good husband for him through your own actions.

2. Don't wait for your daughter's boyfriend to come to you asking for her hand in marriage… be proactive. Ask him what his intentions are; show him you take an active role in her life, not a passive one.

3. Today, we have so many jokes (at least in the South) about dad's being trigger happy regarding their daughters and whom their dating. But the truth is… above all father's need to have discernment; is the guy she's dating a genuinely good guy at heart, a believer, just spiritually still immature? There's a difference between that guy and a sociopath… it's essential for you to figure out which one he is.

4. Being honest with him in your conversations helps him see how you've grown in your role as husband and father. Admit to any stumbles you've had along the way and how your perspective has changed… being an emotionally and spiritually healthy man doesn't equate to never admitting faults.

5. Set expectations for how you believe she should be treated. Let him know in no uncertain terms that abuse at any time, in any way, shape, or form is not to be accepted… and that no matter how much you like someone she marries… if that happens your door is wide open for her to return at any time.

RELATED POSTS: 

A Father Impacts His Daughter's View Of God: 5 Tips For Dads

Talking To Your Child Regarding Their Parent's Poor Choices: 5 Tips

How To Be A Good Father: 7 Tips

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

The Foundation Of A Christian Marriage: 3 Tips

“Blueprints” by Gualberto107 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Building a great marriage based on God's word takes time, dedication and work. It's similar to building a house… if we don't begin with the basic foundation and check the blueprints, our house won't be very solid… it might even crumble, yikes.

We don't want to go into marriage believing in God yet then ironically not include Him in our marital relationship… that seems so silly yet it actually happens. Intentional? Probably not but it's damaging just the same. We want to be intentional in our marriages and our relationship with the Lord. Otherwise we just might wake up one day years into our marriage and see the glaring truth before us… yes, we believe in God yet we didn't once contemplate what He wanted for us and our marriage… instead we ignored our bibles, we didn't read good solid teaching and articles on what makes a successful Christian marriage and we didn't look to other couples who are in those solid marriages through our church and community or even seek our pastor for counsel when needed. 


We can see that the key difference is commitment versus merely stamping a religious label or denomination on ourselves such as Protestant, Catholic, Baptist, etc and thinking our work is done. It goes back to the question Kyle Idleman poses in his book Not A Fan… are we mere fans or followers? As Christians our marriage should reflect actively following Christ not just being a fan… this means actions hold much more weight than pretty words. 


So what can we do as believers to cultivate a great marriage that includes God?

There are several points to consider: Here are 3… 


1. As a couple it's so important to take the time to read the bible together or even side by side and then taking the time to discuss. Also, reading articles on marriage that are Christian based can help bring discussion to the table for a couple… what is your perspective of the advice in it? Do you see any of those issues in your own marriage? Receiving daily devotionals sent to your email and sharing the ones that hit home for you with your spouse can lead to conversation as well.

PRAYER IS LIKE ACTIVELY TAKING YOUR ALLERGY MEDICATION; if you know pollen and grass make you break out in hives you'd likely take your medicine right? Of course you would; it would act as your preventative against catastrophe. Reading the bible together as a couple is kinda the same thing… when we are pro-active and pray life over our relationship versus neglecting it's health we are doing a good thing!


2. It's important that both spouses are partners…. one particular verse may become twisted to ones own liking… 

For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church; he gave his life to be her Savior. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything.

And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church. And we are his body.

Ephesians 5:23-32

Husbands may believe that since the scripture states their wife must submit to them that they then have the authority and discretion to do anything and everything they choose… however unloving. But the scripture is clear that husbands are to love their wives. It reminds us of a domino effect. If a husband is loving his wife; leading her toward God and making sound decisions that reflect Christ not the world… then his wife will gladly submit. Conversely, if a husband is not loving his wife and is treating her poorly, maybe even with emotional or physical abuse it only stands to reason that she may not feel loved by him… actions speak volumes and if a husband is behaving more like a jailer than a follower of Christ his wife and marriage will suffer. 

Partnership is vital in a marriage; one person is not worth more in Christ's eyes whether man or woman… both bring wonderful, different but VALUABLE qualities to the table. 

She may be weaker than you are, but she is your 
equal partner in God's gift of new life.

Husbands when leading should do so with love not anger, wrath and control 

Remember that you each have a right to be heard, to calmly and respectfully relay any concerns you have regardless of whether it is finances, in-laws, children, sex or even a vacation or new purchase. When we take the time to really hear (not just be ready with our response) what our spouse wants it shows we care and that their perspective is just as important… this can only serve to bring couples closer together rather than pushing them apart. 

3. Couples need to protect their marriage from outside forces… satan is delighted to use any and all tactics he can to infiltrate a marriage; to annihilate love and any sweet expression of it. Satan's number one goal is to destroy… namely family. If the devil can destroy a marriage he will divide a husband, wife and children. Sex was created by God for married couples to show their love to one another and for procreation… it's so incredibly important for husbands and wives to utilize the tools they are given to protect their intimate relationship.

If you're struggling with emotions from a past relationship that included sex.. (or even that didn't) and it's overshadowing your marriage it's so essential to pray for forgiveness to God… just be honest with Him and admit this is a struggle and that you need help. Repent and commit anew to your marriage… follow God's will for your life; be obedient to Him, ask for strength and that no weapons formed against your marriage may prosper. 

Shield yourself and your spouse from any potential sexual sin so it doesn't infiltrate your marriage; say no to porn and filth on the television screen, share email accounts and keep strong boundaries between yourselves and those of the opposite sex…  turn to God and ask Him to chisel your mindset so that you each honor one another and show love in the healthiest of ways that please Him. God wants us to enjoy a relationship of sweet intimacy with our loved one and when we do that in the purest of ways it is sacred, unmarred and full of joy. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

RELATED POSTS: 

Expectations In Our Relationships: 4 Tips

Couple Spat On Aisle 5: 3 Tips

50 Shades: Christian Grey Reflects The World Not Christ