5 Things A Narcissistic Sociopath Does In A Relationship

“Sad Woman Sitting On The Bed” by Witthaya Phonsawat 

via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

We meet him.

 The "perfect" match, right?

The quick and dizzying courtship ensues and before you know it… you're talking rings, dates and vows. Before long he's saying "Let's move in together", "You're the one"… and worst of all… "You're my soul mate."

In hindsight we realize there is no such thing as soul mates, that there are many fish in the sea and a number of them might be well suited matches… some better than others obviously but no "perfect" one.

In hindsight we realize that slow isn't a bad thing. That letting things progress naturally is best and that anyone who is trying to hurry things faster than they play out has secret motives and we should run.

In hindsight we realize that moving in together isn't wise because then it makes it that much more difficult to back out of a relationship when we've seen possible red flags there may be trouble ahead.

But with a narcissistic sociopath these lessons in love are learned often on the back end of a relationship … after much damage has occurred and sadly perhaps even to our children.

Maybe you saw red flags that he wasn't healthy for you but you dismissed them. Maybe you thought you were overreacting or second guessed yourself… maybe you wanted it to work so so badly that you admittedly later see that you contributed to the facade that it was good in your desperate denial of any toxicity.


5 Things A Narcissistic Sociopath Does In A Relationship: 


1. Controlling.
Your opinion doesn't matter. He/she doesn't care what you think. Each time you express yourself; what you think, he/she will shoot it down as displeasing. They always believe they are right and will make all the decisions on where to live, how to manage and spend finances, your sex life and parenting. No matter how much you try you can never please them as their expectations are so incredibly high you can never meet them.

2. One-sided communication. 
He/she will not be able to effectively communicate with you. He/she will use tactics of callous arrogance, intimidation, stone-walling and silent treatment instead.

3. Objectification.
He/she will objectify you sexually not value you as a person. You could be anyone… you're a non-person, a useful tool to satisfy their every whim and desire.

4. Cheating.
A narcissistic sociopath will cheat and lie pathologically about it. He/she will expect you to "just get over it"… a common phrase narcs use to gloss over much of their immoral behavior. In fact, a narc will believe that their spouse "drove them to cheat"; if you hadn't been "this way or done that" they think: "I wouldn't have had to cheat on you. This is your fault." They take zero responsibility for their poor actions.

a. The sex is always one-sided. He/she ensures their needs are met but offers no reciprocal satisfaction to their partner. They always expect it when they want it and it's so often (to the extreme) the other partner isn't even given the opportunity to initiate.

b. The sex involves manipulation. He/she tries to discern how far they can make their partner go and compromise on what they feel comfortable with.


5. Taker.
He/she is a taker and more than likely you're a co-dependent and/or highly empathetic individual who has confused love and sacrifice to an unhealthy extreme. You may tend to put the success of the relationship ahead of your own needs becoming less and less satisfied because you're giving so much and receiving little to nothing back. Co-dependents are often the product of one or two parents who were narcissistic… they are merely living out what they've known their entire childhood; desperately seeking love and on some level they question if they are capable of ever finding someone healthy who will love them. The best thing to do is go no contact with a narcissistic sociopath and enter therapy to begin learning healthier ways to relate to others especially in regards to romantic relationships.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

RELATED POSTS: 

10 Signs You're Dating A Narcissistic Sociopath

Marriage & Parenting: When Change Is Needed - 5 Tips

Projection & Signs Of A Cheating Spouse

Infidelity: Losing Your Spouse Day By Day

fall/winter 2012

names have been omitted and/or changed in this post

****************************

Checking my email I scrolled down for anything new that had come in… and amongst Snapfish promotional coupons for discounts off prints and photo books my eyes caught sight of an email from my soon to be ex. I had recently filed for divorce without any warning to him upon discovering his infidelities. But since then… him, the very person who had told me to "stop talking to him about God" just a couple weeks prior to my filing was now sending me relationship articles from various Christian websites to read. It was all very ironic to me.


I didn't bother reading them, merely chose to hit "delete" and yet they continued to pop up in my inbox. What his point was I had no idea… some told me it was a desperate attempt by him (others told me it was a genuinely earnest one) at trying to have some sort of communication, one last try in rebuilding our relationship… by coming together over these articles and having ah ha moments over them.

My attorney continued to adamantly tell me my ex still cared for me… he didn't agree with me just cutting the cord so to speak and ending the marriage without a word. He agreed my ex had royally screwed up but over and over again reiterated he didn't believe my ex truly wanted the marriage to end. I stared at him with icy silence. My second attorney told me essentially the same thing. I shrugged. My third attorney questioned if my ex was over the relationship… I was seeing a pattern here and it irritated the living daylights out of me. 

I supposed their opinions were based on the fact my ex was continually attempting to cause havoc like a rejected five year old on the school playground. I surmised that perhaps if more family law attorneys learned how to prove narcissistic injury in the court room versus pondering if a Narc still cares (which they don't) they wouldn't be so ineffective against them. 

As women we shouldn't be expected to give second or multiple chances to husbands when it comes to our physical health. Are we really just supposed to turn the cheek to getting an STD from our spouse? No. Our spouse is who is supposed to protect us, not knowingly go out and inflict us with every heebie jeebie out there.

I kept going back to: 

He can be "sorry" all he wants to be.

It doesn't change what he's done. 

And it doesn't mean I have to take him back.

Some saw my ex as deeply wounded because of my unresolved feelings toward Jeremy all those years and stated that that must have been the cause of a great internal insecurity in him pushing him toward destruction… i.e.; infidelity. After rolling my eyes at that one I went to my seasoned therapist with that who shook her head…her thoughts were that perhaps if the marriage hadn't been so toxic, namely his behaviors, I wouldn't have been focusing on Jeremy as much and been so miserable. Regardless I could and did accept the blame for my contribution; for my sin. I knew I wasn't immune. I had been sorrowful over it and the hurt it had brought not just to my husband but to both of us. 

Ultimately my view of it was: I believed I had made the right decision in divorcing my husband based on his infidelity because the marriage had been emotionally toxic and I couldn't change that or him. Most people including my therapist saw my ex's behaviors as being those of a narcissistically entitled individual who didn't care that he cheated but only that he got caught.

"My opinion is that I don't believe he thought you'd give up that lifestyle… he never in a million years thought you'd do what you did if you found out." My mother mused aloud.

I nodded "I guess he thought I'd cry and beg and plead and he'd happily have the authority to decide what he wanted to do… that he would be in the driver's seat and decide my fate… whether I stayed or he kicked me to the curb. He was so shocked to find out that's not what happened."

"I think it just shows he really didn't know you." My mother pointed out…  "I always knew that's what you'd do yet he was married to you and I guess didn't realize." She mused aloud.

"I look back on it and his actions in the wake of my filing are what speak the loudest. " I surmised. "He didn't turn from his behavior… he continued seeing random women. I believe we have to look at actions not words. I don't regret filing. I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

**********************

A spouse who has been unfaithful to their partner needs help and in that can turn to God. His Word can offer hope to the one who is struggling with sex addiction like that of adultery. The first thing he or she needs to do is confess the sinful behavior to God. This acknowledgment is so important but it's truly only the first step. This first step acknowledges to God that yes, you chose sin i.e.; death over life… and that no amount of justification, excuse or rationalizing will make it better. When we try to hide our sinful behavior like infidelity from others it remains cloaked in darkness… but when we tell others about our struggles it brings our sin to light… out of darkness, in our sharing it's revealed… and others can help hold us accountable for our actions.


If we are in the company of morally sound peers who are after God and living for Him we can go to them with our specks and they can soberly listen to our story… they can give us counsel and pray with us. This is why we all need a support system of friends and share company with those who are believers. Find someone who is supportive, who will listen… who will not shame you but also uses sober judgment…. i.e.; in that that they know what you've done is wrong… don't go to the "friend" who says "Ohhhh, wellll… you just need to do what makes you happy!" This isn't about finding someone who pats your hand, nods and justifies your poor choices. That is not a true friend and not someone after Christ.


It's vital the friend is someone whom you can confide in, that will have the insight and strength to guide you. Find someone who is compassionate but firm; doesn't allow you to search for excuses. Also someone who wants to understand and can be trusted with the information you're sharing… that they won't run to the next person they see or any mutual friends and spill everything you've confessed to them. This is a crucial time when wise mature Godly counsel is required… not the immature joking of your old college buddies… if you don't have someone to turn to… find a seasoned pastor at a church and start there.


Repentance…. 
Confessing isn't enough…. there has to be a true repentance. Repentance is not being sorry for getting caught in causing pain and destruction. Repentance is not confessing then continuing down the same road were on just because that's what we've been doing and we figure, what the heck, why not? Repentance is the confessing then turning away from the sin we've committed. It's a choice to no longer do what we've done… wanting to please God and live by His way not ours. By spending time in His word and studying it we can begin seeing more and more progress in our life… that's what we are all striving for.


There is a root of where infidelity comes from for men…  typically it is feeling inadequate. There is a familial root of inadequacy involved that goes back to feeling unworthy as a child that carries into their adulthood. Perhaps deep down they don't feel deserving yet it manifests outward as them behaving superiorly, in a narcissistic manner. A man who doesn't ever address his feelings of unworthiness becomes consumed by his own insecurities… he erroneously believes that his home, his vehicles, his job, his title, his education, his whatever, you name it overcompensates for his hollow feeling inside… that his designer sunglasses and expensive clothes are enough to push him forward into societies eyes as a worthy human being… someone to know, to admire and to be around. But at night, once his heavy tired head hits his pillow the truth threatens to overtake him… there in the quiet silence, there in the inky blackness of his bedroom he fights knowing that absolutely no amount of worldly belongings and status will fill that emptiness inside him. He turns to look over at his beautiful sleeping wife beside him, as she's oblivious to the battle he's fighting… and his unfulfillment can't be blamed on her.

No one can fulfill him in this life but God…

Until he realizes this he will continue

to seek the flesh

and works of the world 

and each day

bit by bit risk losing her 

until she's gone. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014

TIPS FOR THE SPOUSE WHO CHEATED: 

If you feel justified in your cheating

 or are demanding/expecting forgiveness from your spouse 

you don't truly get the full scope of the hurt you've inflicted. 

Don't let the fear of what you've done keep you from having 

a candid but necessary conversation with your spouse.

 It's better to just be honest now! 

(the lies haven't gone over so well, have they?) 

and lay it all out there… 

give them all the facts and don't become defensive. 

Tell your spouse: "I was wrong." 

Offer counseling as an option. 

Tell them "I am not going to do this again." 

Then stick with it. 

Don't go around telling people:

"He/she hates me" 

Really? This is an attempt at getting the heat off yourself. 

This is a reflection of your issue more than any 

assumed feelings on their part. Perhaps you haven't handled 

the demise of your marriage well and you really need to have an 

honest (calm) discussion with your soon to be ex/ ex… 

whether you've been separated a week

 or divorced for a couple of years. 

Instead of playing the violin of the victim it may be time to take some 

responsibility for your actions. 

Your ex will appreciate it. 

James 4:8-10

New International Version (NIV)

8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

To My Readers: 

Thank You for reading,

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts:

Cheating: 50 Shades Of Lies - 5 Reasons To Not Keep Him 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/cheating-50-shades-of-lies-5-reasons-to.html

Projection & Signs Of A Cheating Spouse 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/09/projection-and-signs-of-cheating-spouse.html

When "Love" = Death: What I Wanted To Tell Her 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/09/when-death-what-i-wanted-to-tell-her.html

When Loyalty Is Absent A Wedding Ring Means Nothing

Summer 2014 

******************

Clutching my black planner and notebook in my left hand… my summer bag hanging on the crook of my right arm… I made my way through the crowd murmuring happy late morning greetings to each other. Gliding slowly through the sea of people mingling, my eyes searched the room for a seat... taking pause to exchange smiling hello's with several people I knew and introductions made to a few new friendly faces. The room was quickly filling up… all the seats were taken so I made my way carefully to the back of the room where long banquet tables presented sandwiches, fruit, and iced tea.


It was then while my brown eyes glanced around in search of any extra chairs along the back wall our eyes met. He stood over to the side of the room with a couple other people… he was average height and build, in a jacket and slacks… light brown hair and piercing eyes… his gaze stayed steady on me then turning to his peers, said something I couldn't make out and excused himself. I looked inquisitively for a wedding ring and upon seeing one gracing his left ring finger I saw him heading my way. He strode right up to me and asked how I was… extended his hand and introduced himself… inside I intuitively bristled but nevertheless my face smiled and I shook his hand firmly… he offered to go get me a chair, I thanked him, then I immediately excused myself to get something to drink… my gut telling me to keep my distance from him.


It was after the class was in session… him sitting in front of me… continuing to glance back in my direction… yet patting the back… then rubbing the back of the attractive blonde in front of me… I cringed inside. As I took notes from our instructor and tried to watch the demonstration on the screen at the front of the room I was distracted by his behavior toward her… him touching the top of her head, leaning in close to her and whispering something under his breath in her mass of blonde hair… her low laughter emanating from within… I shifted in my seat feeling extremely uncomfortable, glancing around to see if anyone else was noticing this open display of affection… he was undeniably married and yet was pawing all over her. Even though violence solved nothing I couldn't help but think if I was a man and her husband I'd be tempted to punch this guy. I observed him checking out each woman's derrière as they slipped past him… feeling disgust rise within, I would bet money his wife wouldn't like his hands on this woman either and as I watched it continue my thoughts did too… wasn't this was one of the things wrong with society today?… boundaries seemed to be often blurred… especially in the workplace… no wonder there were so many infidelities linked to work or work related events… classes, workshops, happy hours were all potential breeding grounds for less than professional behavior ensuing… if both parties are single… well, then to each his or her own… but married? The reality of potential disaster is great.


I see people wearing wedding rings today and when I see them I wonder if the person wearing it values what their ring represents… a few of the predatory mindset may certainly view rings as a challenge… but hopefully most folks view them for what they are… an outward expression of a covenant with another person… sacred vows taken… in the name of love. After having had the large diamond, the glint, the twinkling adornment on my own finger… I know that without love… without loyalty it means virtually nothing. It's ironic how an expensive ring can suddenly be deemed worthless in one's eyes upon the disheartening realization that it's representing a facade… a false love that isn't really love at all… but instead a sham, a joke.

A wedding ring speaks nothing 

about the union between two people…

But a couple's behavior speaks 

volumes about their loyalty. 

It can be bewildering how is the complicatedness of adulthood… the relationships failed and the mix of emotions… how we may yearn… long for a simpler time… a time when we were younger and love was simple, it was easy, it was without all the disappointment that comes with being an adult. Love notes adorned with the handwriting of our childhood, Valentine's exchanged in class… hand cut hearts, messy from adolescent scissor cutting not quite skilled in graceful curves… the sweet simplicity of a young life where if you said or wrote "I love you"… you honestly meant it… and anyone who messed with you on the playground got ran off… anyone who called you names, pulled your pigtails or french braid was told to "cut it out" … a time when stickers, lollipops and folded notes were expressions of great love… they were all we had… as children all we could give… and in our eyes they held great value. Maybe that's the problem… maybe we've forgotten the value of the little things… the value of simple… how a pipe cleaner, a piece of string tied on our finger and sealed with a kiss mean so much more when backed up with loyalty… these tiny things… these representations of love surpass any expensive solitaire diamond when fused with infidelity.

I don't know about you...

 but if I had to choose… 

I'd rather wear a pipe cleaner,

 a piece of string… 

a twisty tie on my left ring finger 
and have a true committed love 

than a glittering rock than means nothing. 

So to the future...

The one with the twisty tie, the cut out heart, the ring pop…

And with a heart full of loyalty… 

when life is storming and raining down on us I will gladly share my umbrella with you... I'll take your strong hand in mine and in step we'll take the sidewalk together… rain drops from Jupiter surrounding us… grasping your hand I'll look at you and smile... just as we skip the puddles and hurry inside the door closes... rain may pitter patter on the roof but inside were safe... life's storms can have the world while we have each other... 

when I see you pushing yourself, extending yourself beyond your limits and doing the awe-ingly impossible I'll take pause... when you push and exert strength in ways physically that builds on your health and adds years to your life it is incredibly attractive… I'll join you and yet to each his or her own personal race toward the satisfaction of great health… aren't we to be each others undying cheering section for without loyalty the race has already been lost… 

when I glance up to see your deft hands typing something on the keyboard and you look lost in thought I'll walk up and lean in... whisper soft love on your ear and caress your shoulders… your love shines brightly when I'm with you but it's in our absence that people see it… emanating from our hearts for each other… as loyalty is most noticeable when one of two is missing… 

when you catch my eye and give me that look of "there's my teammate" across the room… I'll silently smile mega watts at you and inside my heart will be shouting "Go, babe!" in all you do to help the world become a better place… and in those moments of when I have self doubt you will whisper in my ear and say "You can do it…" It's in those quiet moments of being wrapped in your arms like a comforting down blanket that reflection sets in… I adore your idealism and yet see so much strength in how you handle reality.

when praying I'll take your hand in mine… treasuring what's to come, knowing this isn't the final place we will walk… but one day in Heaven amongst not just golden sidewalks but beautiful lavender fields and grassy knolls peppered with cherry blossom trees… for you as well look to the long term not the immediate… we know nothing is too insignificant to pray for… and praise is never underrated… we will be yoked together… going to the same place… one of eternal beauty and peace…

when those midnight moments pop up… tucking my head under your chin… your scent on my face… love beating in our chests and being comfortably knit together like a warm pretzel... that our loyalty for one another reminds me of an anchor… it keeps us grounded… and we don't have to have each other but we choose to… because love isn't given out of an obligatory requirement or force but because two people have chosen to share the love and hope for one another's soul…

when were tired and worn… exhausted from this marathon called life… we will sit clasping hands and our love will hold more meaning than anything financially gained… we will have lived a full life… a comfortable life… a life of meaning and truth…enjoying the explosion of spring color and the fruits of our labor… gardenias, althea's in bloom and sedum sprouting… all our hard work will have come to pass… and yet despite all the roses, all the lilies, all the hydrangeas…  in that setting tangerine hued sun the best gift you and I could give is our constant loyalty…. tied up in a ribboned bow on my finger… priceless and yet so incredibly substantial… the stuff heady dreams are made of and yet for us it all came true.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

May you always have loyalty,

 as when you have it... 

you also have love 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Confronting The "Other Woman" 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/08/confronting-woman.html

Cheating: Off The Narrow Path Step By Step

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/cheating-off-narrow-path-step-by-step.html

Because I Can

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/02/because-i-can.html

Confronting The "Other Woman"

So you've discovered your husband has cheated… or is still cheating.

One of the first things to determine is what are you going to do?

Are you willing to stay?

Or are you already halfway out the door?

It's ultimately your decision and yet in the aftermath of that initial choice you must make…

There comes another decision.



Will you confront the "other woman"? 

I know this can be a common struggle for women who are dealing with the aftermath of a cheating husband… emotions are undeniably running high and rationale is not always present. I have personally been in this situation and looking back now I can say I made the right decision for me. It's still one I feel good about… or at least considering the situation I do.

Betrayal is one if not the absolute worst acts of hurt someone can inflict upon us. It damages us to our very core and makes our loyalty seem worthless in the other person's eyes. In fact, loyalty in the aftermath of being cheated on becomes so incredibly important… so valuable that it seems nothing else matters in this life. For someone to be loyal to us is now the ultimate expression of love… something we didn't have… and no matter how much we may try to put on a strong front or appear jaded… we may deep down yearn for a love than is loyal.


WHEN THE WORST OCCURS…

But what happens when the person who vowed to love you for better or worse has caused worse to occur? What happens when the person they have been intimate with has knowingly or unknowingly contributed to the break up of not just trust between two people but also a marriage?

You may believe the first course of action aside from telling your husband what a dirty rotten scoundrel he is would be to confront his mistress. It may be believed that by confronting her and pouring out your hurts or aiming your anger at her will help. But the truth is… it may truly cause more damage that what has taken place… and actually create bigger issues for you.

Some of the issues you could hypothetically encounter are…


1. If she knows of your existence, she believes every negative thing your husband has told her about you. How can you have a productive conversation when this woman likely believes you're solely at fault for the decline of your marriage? More than likely he's given her some pity poor me story that she's fallen for… in her eyes his terrible behavior is justified.

2. If she doesn't know he's married… she will still be on the defensive when you tell her. She may certainly drop him like a hot potato (hopefully!) but she may also distance herself from the both of you. On some level she may feel guilty for any unknown part she had in this disaster but at the same time she may believe she owes you zero information… ultimately choosing to keep mum and cutting all contact with you both.

3. You may believe that getting all the dirt on his relationship with her will make you feel better… help you heal… but it may not. What if you actually find out details that just serve to make you feel worse? If details should come out they should obviously come from him, not her… it's not her perspective you're desiring… it's his if at all. And in some cases he may not feel the need to share anything with you… he may feel he has zero obligation to. And at the end of the day… it doesn't change the fact he chose to cheat.

4. Will you be able to control yourself? One of the problems people have when they are in the depths of such deep pain like betrayal is they may act out of character in their initial hurt… as rational thought is often abandoned. Later… much later after this storm has passed you will want to be able to look back and say "I handled that well"… you will desire peace and calm… not recalling chaos like something off of Jerry Springer. This is why it's so important to think long term despite current anger… you most likely want to have your integrity intact long after this horrible experience is in your rearview mirror. So if you do reach out to her… think long and hard about what you're going to say. Now is not the time for impulsive action.

5. If you treat her with anger, malice, hostility… you are merely justifying whatever your husband has told her as his excuse for cheating on you. She will recall all the times he cried to her over what a meanie, what a tyrant, what a sex-withholding nagging, grumpity sour puss you are… even if none of that is true… she will recall it and feel united with him in his indifference toward you… they could very well band together to make your life a living hell… especially if you have children. Let's not give him that kind of power… I mean, he's already wielded enough, right?

TO CONFRONT HER… IF AT ALL

So you may be reading this and thinking… okay, I don't want to seek any information from her… I don't even want to confront her really… but I do believe I need to tell her that I'm aware of the situation. You can always choose to take the course of action I did. I simply reached out to her on Facebook with a message of… I'm aware you've been intimate with my husband. I've filed for divorce. You might want to get yourself to a doctor and checked for std's…. I wish you well…



Simple and to the point…  if she didn't already know he was married she does now… she knows she needs to get to the doctor pronto… and you can look back knowing you did the right thing and were a bright light in a dark place… you can walk away knowing you were the calm in the eye of chaos and ugly… you rose above and showed character when you could have been a torrential downpour… and no one would have blamed you for it either… but the peace within when we rise above is worth so much… not only does it give us long lasting inner calm but it also shows her that maybe we just aren't so bad as he's painted us to be… maybe somewhere in that facade he fed her… she sees a glimpse into the fact that everything he said about us was a lie as well…

and yet you offered her the truth on a silver platter

and walked away expecting nothing in return.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

{ begging, yelling, crying over some guy who cheated 

on you is a waste of energy… energy that could be used to 

create a whole new life… remove yourself from 

an equation that only adds chaos and subtracts peace }

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Cheating: 50 Shades Of Lies: 5 Reasons To Not Keep Him

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/cheating-50-shades-of-lies-5-reasons-to.html

You're Getting A Divorce: 10 Tips On How To Tell Your Children

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/youre-getting-divorce-10-tips-on-how-to.html

The Sociopath: The 6 Tricks He Uses

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-sociopath-6-tricks-he-uses.html

Is He A Sociopath? 20 Signs

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/you-may-be-wondering-if-hes-sociopath.html

10 Phrases A Narcissistic Sociopath Uses

He's so good. 

He's so good at being bad. 

"I don't care what you think 
unless it is about me" 

- Kurt Cobain

"Even the best of states 

have serious flaws. 

The best solution is you take 

someone who has

 been identified as a sociopath 

and you lock him

 up forever because by definition,

 they are predators. 

They will do it again." 

- Marc Klaas 

"If a sociopath believes a 

lie it makes it truth." 

- Karen Kirschbaum 

If anyone has perfected the art of saying the right things and making you believe that he means them it's a narcissistic sociopath. He is skilled in charm not sincerity… he excels at superficial not substance… he is a man of much nonsense and riddles like a joker or magician but not meaning or truth.


A sociopath has a typical set of phrases he uses as there are always commonalities between them. It's been said so many times in the support groups I belong to that when the members post messages that their Ex has sent them… they could have been sent from anyone's Ex sociopath… as they all appear to speak the same language… astonishingly, it's as if they are all one and the same person… as if they went to the same school and were taught from the same bag of tricks.


When I was dating my Ex, (even a large part of the marriage) for the most part he was doting… he listened… in fact, part of my attraction to him was the fact he listened… something I didn't have from a father who simply talked at me. What I didn't know then is that people of a manipulative nature may very well listen… they may not be what is expected… dismissive… at least in the beginning… as it behooves them to listen to you and listen well. They excel at listening to what you have to say… hanging onto every word… learning all they can about you so they can reel you in… and in this crucial time period offering bits of sage advice, comfort and affirmation. When we date someone who appears to be the picture of care, of kindness and empathy we believe we truly have what were seeing… we take it to heart and don't doubt that what were experiencing is real.


Any of the typical phrases a sociopath uses may not come to the surface until much later on… once you're immersed in a marriage and dependent upon him. It's not until he has you captured in a corner like a defenseless little ladybug does he begin to show his true colors… and for a while he may even dance back and forth between charm and seemingly genuine care and contempt for you… leaving you completely confused and off balance… because you can't figure out where you stand with him… and he knows it.



Often times when were so close to a situation or person we don't have the distance to step back and be objective. It may be difficult for us to not beat ourselves up later down the road upon the full truth revealed… or block out the "What was I thinking?" thoughts going through our head… but we have to forgive ourselves for any blindness that kept us in the wolf's path… this is part of the healing process. It's a mental barrage of "coulda, shoulda, woulda's"… and it can go on forever if allowed. At some point we have to say "What's done is done and it's unfortunately reality" and then begin self care… making a conscious point to be gentle with ourselves, to journal, pamper ourselves, surround ourselves with healthy, supportive friends and family… doing the little things including the big, leaning on God… asking Him for comfort, strength and healing.



Below are phrases that a sociopath typically uses with his target.


10 PHRASES A SOCIOPATH USES: 

1. "Trust me" My Ex used this all the time and amusingly even later during the divorce process. What he's really saying is "Please be a sucker and let me trick you once again." Why on earth would you trust someone who has continually lied and cheated that you have proof of? For a sociopath to tell their target "Trust me" after they've shown (perhaps repeatedly) they cannot be trusted is merely laughable.

2. "I love you" He will use this phrase over and over again. Another lie. He will use this with every woman he's with. A sociopath is incapable of love. What he's really telling you is "I love the way you make me feel. Being with you is like a rush for me at this moment."Unfortunately, eventually the rush will wear off and you'll be replaced.

3. "Happy?" or "Happy now?!" Is his little guise of a remark of ensuring he has taken care of your needs or desires but in reality is a dismissive way of telling you "You're a pain in my butt and inconveniencing me big time. Now go away." My Ex used this one all the time and still does with our children.

4. "It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission." Ugh. My Ex used this all the time. Another statement they use to try to justify their actions and believe that whatever recent ordeal they just put you through (or shady business deal) will merely blow over… that by just saying "Sorry!" in their usual dismissive tone that everything will smooth over, consequences will be nil and he will be able to wiggle his way back into your heart.

5."You're so sensitive." A classic. A way to justify his negative actions or verbal abuse toward you when you naturally get upset or mad. Then you begin to question yourself and your own feelings. What eventually happens is later on (even perhaps after you're divorced) it strips you of confidence and you begin to question every interaction you have with people… the natural response is a phase of being unsure… the good news is your confidence will return as you heal and become stronger. Keep in touch with friends that know and love you and don't allow yourself to become isolated.

6. "I can never make you happy. My God! You are so negative! Why do you think I'm never around? Because I can't stand being around you!" Justification and twisting for why he's cheating or a workaholic.

7. "What about you? What about your issues?" This is his comeback to you when you call him on the unacceptable choices he's made. He will spin it back onto you and try to bring up any faults or flaws you have (or make any up) to get the heat off him.

8. "I could do that for you." Could. Interesting. He could, but chooses not to. He could do that Honey-do on your list that you really need finished but he won't.

9. "I only get this negativity from you." In other words…. he isn't getting what he wants so it's easier to attack you.

10. "The more you tell me one thing the more it makes me want to do the opposite." Oh, okay… it's comparable to a three year old boy having a fit. He doesn't wanna just cause you want him to so he ain't gonna!


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 


5 Signs of A Pathological Liar and Manipulator 
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/07/5-signs-of-pathological-liar-and.html

The Narc's Family: 5 Ugly Secrets Behind Closed Doors
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-narcs-family-5-ugly-little-secrets.html

The 3 Stages The Sociopath Puts You Through 
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-3-stages-sociopath-puts-you-through.html

5 Signs Of A Pathological Liar and Manipulator

Lies. 

So small and yet some so big.

Some may keep secrets by omission… 

and yet at the end of the day omission indeed equals a lie. 

We may think that by not sharing what we've done or even what we know others have done, we are potentially protecting the people in our lives… but in actuality it's that the knowledgable one, the bystander, the person privy to the truth or the actual culprit, the sinner is just trying to protect his or herself.

Lies are always found out… people have an uncanny knack for knowing when something isn't right… when something is amiss… when something… a picture just isn't complete. Granted, it might take some time... days, months... even years... but eventually the truth is always exposed and a person's true character is revealed.

People know… 

they see money where it shouldn't be present… and despite all the right answers from the suspicious one… people know when they are being played… when they are being lied to about where it originated…

People notice the tilt of a head, the shifting of feet, the nervous laughter, the touching of one's face… and they see through the words coming from the liar's lips… they sense another version somewhere in the midst of those false stories…

People sense distance and sudden disinterest… 

they can feel a lack of warmth and closeness… now replaced with a simple nod… a shrug and a retreat from the room… a head buried in work, in a phone or in a screen of some sort… people always finally come to the truth of a secret life hidden away…. even if it takes time… it is always eventually revealed. 

*********************

some names have been omitted in this post 

2012 

this post contains language 

I clutched the iPhone in my hand listening to his words spew into my ear… words that were the epitome of ignorance… words that were the clincher that what I already knew was once again confirmed… that there was zero guilt, zero remorse… zero regret on his part in the lies he'd orchestrated. Instead, he was now free from his secret life to now flaunt it and all the damage he had done… now he could live openly the life he'd kept hidden away from me and so many others.

"Oh…cool! " he laughed callously in my ear on the phone. I had told him after researching the couples who had lived in our home it was rumored that there had been scandal and divorce. Whenever it had been on the market it had brought curious gawkers… the house had a history of being difficult to sell. When showed there were hushed whispers that it left people feeling unsettled when in it. I had spent countless hours researching the previous owners due to the fact it wouldn't sell… talking to neighbors and hearing tidbits of the original owners life… the husband, a builder, the wife was a society woman… a woman of some means and stunning beauty. Rumor had it decades later she lived out of the country but who knew where she was now. There were stories of a family tragedy… the husband had had an accident… and a son who in the wake of it had written the story for a 1997 science fiction horror film that despite initial negative reviews is now considered a cult film.


"It's the house of divorce…" my soon to be ex trilled in my ear with delight upon my sharing this information and I cringed at his stupidity.

"You fool…" I retorted in the phone back at him… "It's not the house of divorce… It's the house of sin! "I exclaimed, my dark eyes flashing angrily.

It was hardly something to be proud of… his affairs and others by past residents, yet his despicable tone and words showed clearly he was so proud. Your line of thinking coincides with that of shitting in your own shoes and taking a walk in them, I thought to myself… your statement shows a sense of humor that's more twisted than amusing. Sitting behind the wheel of the SUV I turned the key in the ignition and sent the engine roaring with the air conditioning and radio along with it. The air blew my hair and I fumbled with the buttons on the radio. I had no idea that there would be more lies exposed… no idea that his lies would multiply… because lies are like that… like a stack of playing cards… the more you tell the more that must stack up… compounding what's been done until the liar doesn't even know his lies from reality anymore… delusions set in and their lies become their new truth.

Some people will lie for any and all reasons… 

it's like the air they breathe… 

if served ethics and morals on a shiny silver platter

 they would wave their hand, dismissing it… 

as they have no need for such frivolous things… 

The Biological Factor: 

The results of a 2005 research study published in the British Journal of Psychiatry indicates that the brain of a person who is a pathological liar is different from that of an individual who doesn't have this issue. Compulsive liars have more white matter and less gray matter in their prefrontal cortex.

"If all you can offer me is ethics… I'll go elsewhere" is what someone who is a pathological liar believes… and yet… it's the ones around them living a life of humility and honesty, they know… the only way to overpower that minuscule doubt that the liar wishes to plant about them… like a seed that will only grow bit by bit, day by day until it's flourishing like an invasive vine is to flood that toxic plant with the naked truth. It's to expose the pathological liar's agenda, to expose their lies… to expose their twisted insidious behind-the-scenes manipulation.

Can they be successful?

Can honesty shine light over darkness?

Yes.

Will it possibly take an inordinate amount of time?

Yes.

But will it be worth it?

Absolutely.


Perhaps you're taking life one day at a time… whether you're in the early beginnings of divorce or you've been in an arduous custody battle for several years with someone who was capable of procreating but not loving and telling the truth… whether you've discovered your distant relative has conned you out of thousands of dollars in an inheritance, maybe your own children have stolen from you, you've been sleeping next to a pedophile or a porn maker… maybe you've discovered your best friend is really closer to your husband than you are… maybe the person you married has through their actions now revealed, led you to realize that they are a criminal on borrowed time and the clock is ticking before they are found out by the law.

There are many scenarios out there and ways to be lied to… to be betrayed… to be purposely deceived by someone with less than honest intentions. You may be quietly documenting each day… each message, each phone call, each lie… you may be keeping a log of recorded calls, speaking to witnesses, the police, the FBI… no matter what your situation in life… just keep doing what you're doing. Keep living a life of honest goodness, of calm and observation and eventually the lies of the one who created the destruction will be exposed for who he or she really is.


5 Signs Of A Pathological Liar and Manipulator: 

1. They blame others for all their problems, they never take any accountability and say "Well, I shouldn't have done that." They will lie about anything and everything even when there is no benefit… it's like a drug addiction, they can't stop. 
2. They also exhibit signs of Narcissism and Sociopathy. All Sociopaths are pathological liars. 
3. They always come across as optimistic, cheerful and upbeat. This is living a life for show, not a genuineness that comes with the natural ups and downs in life. Instead, it's a glossy facade they wear to present the image they want others to believe. 
4. The person has incredibly low self esteem. Naturally not all insecure people lie but this can be a behavior that is seen with lying. We all have bad days now and then, even occasional self doubt. But a healthy individual has a healthy dose of narcissism or i.e.; confidence. But matched with that confidence there is a self awareness of humbleness, humility… realizing that life is not always about them… others are important as well and it's not about thinking less of yourself but just yourself less. 
5. Their reaction to when they are confronted about their lies… watch closely. If they become extremely defensive, blaming others, outright ignoring you when confronting them… or they jump on the "all these accusations from you!" bandwagon… they are not addressing the real issue. Instead, they are skipping around it. With a liar it's impossible to get to the root of an issue for true nitty gritty discussion. 

If the person undergoing treatment… which is typically cognitive behavioral therapy… is not deeply committed to changing his or her life, treatment will not be effective. In the case of people with a personality disorder like Sociopathy, their tendencies make it very easy for them to lie and attempt to manipulate the therapist who is attempting to help them. They may lie about taking their medication, lie about the people in their life and what they've done, ultimately leading to zero change. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

The 3 Stages The Sociopath Puts You Through 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-3-stages-sociopath-puts-you-through.html

Is He A Sociopath? 20 Signs 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/you-may-be-wondering-if-hes-sociopath.html

The Sociopath: The 6 Tricks He Uses

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-sociopath-6-tricks-he-uses.html