Life & Uncertainty: When You Just Want To "Get There" Already

Do you ever feel like life is just not moving along fast enough?

Do you ever feel like your destination is always just a bit out of reach?

Do you ever want to hurry up and "get there" already?

If you have… you're certainly not alone.

I know something about what you're going through.

And yes, it's a struggle.

My divorce was finalized last summer and since then life has been a combination of two extremes…


Bouts of insanely slow, gratingly boring pockets of time… and on the other end of the spectrum… extremely busy, chaotic and hectic… no time to eat breakfast or lunch type of days; scarfing half a chocolate bar at 3 p.m. running errands, and then crashing on the couch until dinner… <inset snoring here>

Ugh.

Between going back to school… painting and renovating an entire house some of which I did myself… studying… which is not my forte (thank you, ADHD meds!)… to taking exams (double yuck)… and finally passing said exams, yay(!)… to then beginning a new career… it has been a roller coaster ride.

Now having begun new said career and not really having a clue as to what I'm doing and feeling as though I'm just sort of jumping off a cliff into midair, saying a prayer… yet having a

fierce force of determination to forge forward 

with lot's of hard work combined and clinging to faith everything will work out… it's a big life transition. One I wish now I had made back when I was married as perhaps then during the divorce I wouldn't have felt quite so overwhelmed… instead perhaps feeling some sense of control in at least one aspect of my life however knowingly non-existent at the end of the day.


Now that I've jumped off the cliff and I'm trying to find my way I want it to all fall into place NOW.



I want to already know what I'm doing like the back of my hand… I want smooth sailing… I want to go through my day with relative ease… and live normally. I barely even remember what "normal" is it's been so long since my life resembled anything of the sort… a schedule where you get up, get dressed, eat breakfast and go to work… it's become foreign to me because that reality was so long ago and yet now very much welcome as I embark on this new journey that I am incredibly excited about.

A journey also where I just want to exhale a huge sigh of relief and say: 

"I'm here. I made it. Finally."

In some ways I can say that today… and I do. 

I thank God for this blessing as I can exhale a huge sigh of relief 

and looking back marvel at the progress.


Maybe you've recently gone through a big life transition and you can say the same. 

And yet I'm looking forward to when I will be able to stand before the mirror one morning and say:

"I'm finally here…"

"I made it, thank you God…"

"I actually know (overall) what I'm doing and I. am. okay."

But then I got to thinking about it and maybe I'm missing the point…

and maybe if you're in a similar situation or recalling a past one there's a chance you are too.


Maybe… just maybe the parts we want to skip…  namely, the uncertainty, the not sure steps… maybe there's a lot of growth there… growth in our faith…


I don't mind the hard work… the hard phase is comparable to the meat and potatoes of life… later comes the desert… later comes the payoff…  later comes the sweet victory…

later comes the icing on the cake.


When we stop learning… when we stop needing to lean on God in our uncertainty… when we stop growing… we become absolutely stagnant. God doesn't want this… He loves us and desires us to grow, change and become all we are meant to be.

If we weren't doing these things life would be easy… predictably boring… and we wouldn't feel any need for God… we would become pridefully self sufficient and stunted because there wouldn't be any need to lean on Him if every season ran perfectly smooth like a speed ramp at the airport and we could clearly see our way up ahead.


So maybe we all need to look for the icing in the uncertainty in life…  because  in that cake lies blessings no matter how small…  in those uncertain moments…

and how awesomely sweet is that.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Life Lessons: Jesus, The Most Beautiful Teacher 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/03/life-lessons-jesus-most-beautiful.html

Finding Comfort In The Divorce Process

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/07/finding-comfort-in-divorce-process.html

Like Fireflies: Being A Light & Sharing Our Story 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/03/like-fireflies-being-light-sharing-our.html

Bravery: Standing Strong & Exposing Our Shackles

You've probably heard by now at least if you are a Bachelor fan or tabloid reader Sean Lowe is to marry Catherine Giudici on Sunday, January 26th, 2014 on live television. You can read the article here posted by the Huffington Post: 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/13/sean-lowe-catherine-giudici-waiting_n_2867570.html

It has become public knowledge that Sean and Catherine are waiting until their wedding night to consummate their relationship. There are those in society who want to point fingers at couples whom they deem odd or strange because they choose to wait to consummate their relationship until after they've exchanged "I do's". Yet the story can be viewed as a beacon of light in a world often obsessed with lust and instant gratification, that there are still couples who put importance... value on waiting. Sean and Catherine may be in the minority by the world's standards but not by God's.


I love this story.

I love that someone out there stands behind what they believe in and isn't caving due to worldly pressure and influence.

I love that Sean is being a man and looking out for her.

I love that he is not going to be selfish and look inward to his own needs.

                                                                                                       

I love that Catherine supports him too and they stand united together.

ONE WORD: 

BRAVE. 

THEY ARE BOTH SO INCREDIBLY BRAVE. 

They are brave because so few will stand up today for what's right. Has it been an easy path for them? Only they know the answer to that question yet we can assume it hasn't been easy… due to what we all know about human nature. Yet they have held steadfast to their values and what God deems suitable. Because when they stand up and say: 

"This is what we believe. This is what we are doing. We are honoring each other and God." 

It enables others to do the same.


So many of us wish we had that time back… that time to have a do-over and not engage in pre-marital sex. We can't have a do-over but we can begin anew any day from here out. Maybe you've already done something you regret and wish you could take it back.

I know I do… if I could have a re-do I'd take it in a nano second... I know I was wrong having pre-marital sex and when we admit we were wrong... that our behavior was sinful... that is BRAVE too. It's not something I can do-over but I can start new. Abstaining from sex outside marriage, caring about someone deeply, I'm going to hold off because I wouldn't want to do anything that could cause either of us potential regret, harm or hurt later. That holds true for the man in my future.

I want the next man I'm with to be the last. 

And that includes doing what I know to be right. 

Maybe you have a similar past story that includes regret and wish you could have back that one night or those many nights… that moment(s) of weakness filled with self and lack of discipline... maybe rebellion. When we care and purposefully love someone we put what God desires first, as well as the well-being of the one we love ahead of our own fleshly desires.


You may think "It's too late for me… I've already messed up." But we don't have to subscribe to sin, lust and the ways of the world on a continual basis just because we already did once, twice, ten times or more. We don't have to say "Ugh, I've already messed it up, there's no point in starting fresh." We can say no to throwing in the towel.

Seems like all I could see was the struggle

Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past

Bound up in shackles of all my failures

Wondering how long is this gonna last?

Then You look at this prisoner

and say to me, son

Stop fighting a fight

It's already been won.

And I am redeemed

 Big Daddy Weave - Redeemed Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

We can pick ourselves up and say:

"Today is a new beginning. Today I'm walking with God and remaining untouched until my wedding night with the man I marry." 

Just because we have made less than stellar choices in the beginning does not mean we are destined to continue on that way and those choices also be our ending. We can decide any day, any hour, any minute:

"My story is going to end differently" 

And then see it through.

Some may laugh and think "that's extreme", or "that's taking it too seriously"... but God isn't laughing... He delights in us taking Him seriously and even more, obeying Him. God desires us to use discipline and honor our body, not dabble in passionate lust, as sexual immorality is a work of the flesh.

ADMITTING A STRUGGLE 

= 

BRAVE 

This week someone in the news admitted her struggle behind closed doors… Elizabeth Vargas, the 20/20 news anchor sat down with 'Good Morning America' to open up about her past struggle with alcoholism…

you can watch the video here:

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv-movies/elizabeth-vargas-alcoholic-article-1.1590054


In the interview she relayed the details of her journey and how it brought her to a final place of triumph. Think of how many people watching that interview could relate… nodding their heads and silently affirming they too were struggling while ensconced in their dens or kitchens holding a cup of coffee to wake up from the previous night's headache-inducing-wine-binge. Elizabeth Vargas has undoubtedly inspired countless people to be brave enough to finally dodge denial and admit they too have a problem with alcohol, with addiction. It takes guts to stand up and admit publicly or merely to our family and friends that we have an issue we are struggling with… whether it be porn, cheating, alcohol, excessive spending, gambling, etc… when we are brave and stand up, when we admit our moments of defeat that have remained hidden… behind the bathroom door in a puddle of tears or in front of the mirror where only God can see, when we admit we've felt convicted about our behavior and yet desperately need help because we are too weak on our own to help ourselves… we are doing something wonderful… we may not know it at the time but we are modeling for others their first step toward victory too… a single act of bravery that will have widespread wondrous results.

You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

and wipe away every stain

'cause I'm not who I used to be

Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be

Jesus, I'm not who I used to be

'cause I am redeemed

Thank God, redeemed

Big Daddy Weave - Redeemed Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

In life we may start with a few strikes, a few falls, a few boo's from the stands... but the truth is... it's the progress, the last bit that counts... the past is not an excuse to say "to heck with it, I'll get by on grace doing what I want"... it's commiting our life to God and declaring that we will finish our race in victory, that our game will bring an epic win, that our story will conclude with tears of joy and cheers of glory... 

because we were brave… 

we progressed

we changed

we grew and evolved 

into what God desires. 

And I can think of nothing greater than pleasing Him. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!

Value = When The One You Love Knows Everything About You

I watched him carefully as he winced, his facial expression one of pain. It was a look I knew well and had known for years. I watched as he reached down to grasp his knee. 

"It's going to rain tonight." I said quietly. 

He looked over at me "It is?" He asked. 

"Yea..." I trailed off. I glanced over at our son, waiting for him, so I could leave and head home. Above us, the evening sky was streaked with colors of salmon and dust blue from the setting sun. 

"How do you know?" He asked me with curiosity. 

I spoke without hesitation "Because your knee hurts." I told him. 

He paused, looking at me first with quiet shock, as if I'd taken him off guard... that I remembered. Then his face broke into a smile... "Yeah..." He nodded, "You remember." 

I nodded and briskly moved on. 

Of course I remember. 

It's hard to forget all the little things about someone you've known since you were nineteen and now thirteen years of (broken) marriage later... considering that means knowing this person nearly half a life... you don't forget it... or all the other little things about them overnight. 

There is VALUE in someone knowing everything about you. 

I wondered fleetingly if he realized that. 

If he knew that.

If he missed that. 

At the end of the day that was his buisiness not mine and internally I shrugged knowing regardless it really made zero difference now... it was a mute point. But I realized something... very defining in that moment... that I had noticed I'd been working toward for awhile but now it settled over me like a comforting shawl-like blanket around my shoulders. 

I had peace. 

I had lost the rage, the anger, the hate... slowly dissipating bit by bit in tiny increments. 

It had been diminishing more and more with lots of prayer, reading God's word, His conviction... 

I had reached a new destination in my journey of healing. It was freeing. 

It was peaceful. 

It was indifference. 

And maybe a little pity for him. 

By no means did this mean I would forget what he did in that I certainly wasn't going to open the door to hand out trust or invite unnecessary crazy in my life. Because unlike that song I don't want crazy calling me maybe. The best part was I didn't feel a need to fight. Fire doesn't need fire, it needs a strong spray of water. And a good exit plan so you don't get burned. 

Instead I knew my boundaries. And it was what it was.... I didn't owe any explanations or soft peddling or compromising for the boundaries I chose. It was suddenly simple, so not complicated and all very matter of fact. 

Later that night as I listened to the thunder rumble... predictably rolling in, becoming closer as my children set up a board game for us to play and soon hearing the rain hitting the roof... 

I thought of how much sin hurts families when poor choices are made that reflect a lack of value... appreciation... for the person who knows everything about you... every glance, look, pause and the silence that speaks between you. Some people would give their right arm to have that... to have that with someone because they are unhappily alone. I can think of nearly nothing better than knowing someone so intimately you finish each others sentences, you clasp their hand when you know they are struggling, you know just when to crack a joke to lighten the mood and when feeling beyond exasperated with them you turn the kitchen sink sprayer (true story) on them with a gleeful laugh along with it...  only to be wrestled and tackled for it and get soaked back. 

One day I will have that. But better yet someone who appreciates it.

The opposite of love is not hate. 

Hate requires as much energy if not more than love. It's a flashing sign of pain within. It's all-consuming. It's real and yet so not pretty. It's undeniably exhausting. It's boiling and acidic and makes you feel... feel awful... you waffle like a red light green light game between feeling justified and feeling convicted... knowing you need God more than ever before. 

Peace can be yours... 

Peace can be for each of us. 

If we don't do but one thing today... one thing at all... let's tell one person who loves us, who we are blessed to know in our life, who knows everything about us... 

how much we value them. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

                   To My Readers: 

              Thank you for reading, 

              commenting & sharing! 

Comparison Trap: Don't Compare Your Path In Life To Other's

"What do you do?" 

"Where did you go to high school?"

"Where did you go to college?"


Ugh...

In my twenties I would cringe when these questions were posed to me in social circles.

Perhaps some of you have too.


Finding our way... 

When I was little my dream was to be a ballerina.  However I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for years after it became very clear being a ballerina wasn't going to happen. Having posters of ballerinas in your bedroom and yet zero lessons.... does not quite cut it.


It understandably it can be unsettling when everyone around you seemingly has everything figured out and is sailing through life with zero uncertainty about what their profession will be. This may then lead to anxiety ridden moments during social settings when someone asks you "What do you do?" But even if you struggle with not knowing what path career wise you aspire to take in life... rest assured you are not alone. The truth is, each of us reach our destination of discovering where our heart lies, what our passions are, what is important to us in our own time. This is why it's so important to try our hand at many new things to see what we flourish in...  yet have not yet discovered. Just because we may take a little longer than others to realize what we know in our hearts we are meant to do does not mean for a second we are less than others who have it all figured out from the start of childhood.



Motherhood.... 

Likewise we may decide that being a mom is the only job we desire. There is nothing wrong with that and in fact is often the most under appreciated (and unpaid) job as a whole by society today. There is never truly "off time", as raising children also comes with managing a home, overseeing appointments and caring for sick children. Any mother who has drudged out of bed like a zombie at 3 am to administer fever medication and a cool washcloth to a sick child knows the sacrifices a mother makes. A mother's joy supersedes her sacrifices in the long run even if during that 3 am moment she questions procreation however fleeting. Being a mother is a noble job that we are blessed with by God and one each of us should take seriously and in no way ever regard as less than. As women we are preparing our children to live in Godly character as adults one day. We don't ever have to be ashamed to say we are mothers... we are actually beyond blessed to call ourselves "mom" and to have a little one refer to us as theirs.

High school... 

We may not have made the typical decisions others have made during those four years and in fact may have made less than stellar choices... perhaps we became involved with people of shady character, maybe we skipped classes... regrettably finding ourselves planted in detention or summer school more often than a regular classroom. Whatever decisions we made back then and however long ago, they may very well have impacted us for quite some time. For some who sailed through high school on the high of popularity, excellent grades and esteem and were rooted in a positive family life their high school years may be in stark contrast to what their peers experienced. What holds us back in life is choosing to continually subscribe to the false notion that we are less than due to our past or the mistakes we've made in it. We don't have to beat ourselves up and instead can look back at how far we've come. We can stand firmly in Christ's love for us. Turning from our old ways has set a new life before us and that includes our hopes and dreams coming to fruition despite a rocky beginning... what a testament to living in victory!



College... 


Our sense of self worth shouldn't be founded in our degree, campus of education, sorority, etc. Your worth is not grounded in the image of how others perceive you, or the alumni sticker on your vehicle's back window or lack thereof but instead God's unwavering love for you. Today there may be enormous competition in social circles to be what others expect you to be and live up to the ways of the world when it comes to status and image... but we don't have to place our faith in things that may very well be fickle and uncertain. Instead we can place our faith in God and realize that no matter if our beginning was rough and more closely resembled "school of hard knocks" we have been finely chiseled by God each day since to stand where we are now.... in strength and celebratory triumph. I can think of no greater degree of success than that. For when we stand in celebratory triumph with God we encourage others to also.



No matter what path we choose in life we can rest assured that we are each walking our individual journey. We don't have to compete or compare ourselves with others... doing so only serves to trap us in comparison and cause us unneeded stress and self doubt. Instead, we can meditate on our passions and set goals for ourselves that enable us to become better each and every day... with God's guidance and prayers on our part we can not only survive in life but actually go a step further and thrive!

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

To My Readers: Thank you for reading, commenting & sharing!

Imperfections One Day Made Perfect By A Perfect God

Are you living by society's standards or God's standards? Society teaches us to strive for perfection which is unreachable. Likewise we can never reach God's standards on our own, as we must have His guidance and grace. One day when we reach Heaven we will be made perfect but here on earth all we can possibly strive toward is greater holiness than what we were yesterday and greater tomorrow than we are today all the while knowing that Jesus already paid the price for us. An imperfect person attempting to obtain perfection is going to be a miserable one. We are all imperfect and striving to please God and become more Christlike but when we begin limiting our love toward others based on factors such as they are atheists, they look differently, or based on their past, etc... we ultimately lose compassion for people and fail miserably as loving Christians and instead become intolerant ones. Jesus actively sought out people who knew they were imperfect. Those who believed they were perfect didn't have any reason to seek Him because they never saw the issues they had within. Self-pride prevented them from realizing the issues they needed to address to make the necessary changes. God can see us trying despite setbacks and and knows our heart... if we seek to love others, forgive, and give others the same grace we want we will flourish. Seek God and rely on the Holy Spirit to guide you through your journey... only then do we gain grace, power and strength... 


regardless we always have


His perfect love. 

A Mom's Journey Of Love: Special Needs

I had just voiced my concerns to the pediatrician and explained how my son was nearly two years old yet not verbal. Having told the doctor how he would merely grunt and point at the refrigerator when he wanted milk to drink I pressed my growing concern that something was not right.

But instead of a referral to someplace for testing the doctor had merely responded with:

"This is just first time mother's anxiety. Each child reaches milestones at their own pace. I see nothing to be concerned about."

I fired him that day. 

I knew something wasn't right.

Mother's have a gut instinct.

And for good reason.


Mother's... you can rest assured that if you believe even for a second that something is "not right" with your child's development.... listen to that inner voice. Pay close attention. Because it's much too important to let slide.


My son wasn't talking. He had crawled late and it wasn't the typical crawl that most children have. This crawl was like an army crawl,... he'd move his little body forward using his forearms but dragging his lower half along the floor behind him as an after thought. He was chronically upset and I spent hours pacing the floor holding him as he screamed and cried. Nothing seemed to soothe him. Desperate for a break, I'd eventually leave him safely tucked in his crib where he'd continue to scream on end until his little face was as red as a beet. He couldn't seem to self-soothe. The pacifier was a joke and ended up as a projectile across the room. Sunlight and water in his eyes sent him into a full blown production of body contorting along with squinted eyes and crying. Sock seams irritated him to no end, were tossed to the side and when I held him he was like limp spaghetti as if he lacked the upper body muscles to hang onto me. Lovies and rattles were not a comfort and he'd squirm away from them as if they frightened him. I'd sit him up in my lap and coo at him, trying desperately to catch his eye and make some sort of connection with him. But instead to my dismay he'd look right through me as if I wasn't there and the blankness there left me feeling as if I might as well be invisible.

Then the head banging began. Head banging on the tile floor like he was at a rock concert but much less fun. Screaming and crying like he was trying to escape himself. I'd rescue him from the floor and move him to the soft carpeting where he'd continue to attempt to bang his forehead as I'd try to hold him, comfort him and he'd flail about in return. By this time I'd be about in tears and not know what to do. I'd sit on the floor with tears threatening to engulf my eyes and scream out from within "What is going on?!?!?!?"

He'd play with his Thomas the Train set that he was obsessed with but not the typical way most children would. He'd line up the little trains with smiling faces and if one was moved out of place he'd lose it. He'd begin screaming and throwing the trains. He'd line up anything he could get his hands on...  cars, books, blocks, figures, farm animals, anything. The "meltdown's" worsened until he began hitting and biting. I was at my wit's end with what was wrong. I knew that he needed help.... that WE needed help. I didn't care at that point WHAT the issue was.... I just wanted to find out what it was so we could get him the help he needed.


That was way easier said than done. 

First.... came denial. 

There were family members who preferred to stay in denial that there was any need for help.

In hindsight.... I can tell anyone going through this:

Take control. 

I did take control. But I should have sooner. I should have just done what needed to be done and NOT listened to the external voices of denial from other's that desperately wanted to believe everything was peachy, rainbows had pots of gold and ponies didn't poop.

If I had it to do over, I'd have sought help sooner. 

We took him in for testing.

After it was completed the results were given to us: 

Autism.

Later we were told technically Aspergers. High functioning. 

Applied Behavioral Therapy began to help with behavior, speech therapy began and both began showing steady improvements. I was ecstatic to see his progress in baby steps and became his advocate. I began reading as many books as I could get my hands on to educate myself about autism, sensory disorders, speech delays and learning disorders. I would stay up late at night absorbing as much information as I could so I'd be better informed.


I am incredibly proud of my son. When I look at him, I see happiness, I see a love of animals, the great outdoors and creativity. I don't just see Aspergers because he is so much more yet in that I see many challenges overcome, many years of hard work put in, speech now completely on target, many sensory issues overcome (swimming accomplished!) emotions better coped with, and an enthusiasm to help others. When I see him I see love. I see a little boy I was beyond blessed to be given because I know because of him I am a better person. God has blessed me with the opportunity to be strong and advocate for him and be the voice he needed when he didn't have one. I look at him and I see his sweetness. His smile. His laugh and love of being silly. I see his hurt when other's don't give him a chance because sometimes he may come across as bossy due to his need for control. I see the enormous pressure he puts on himself because he wants to do his best. I see his need to be loved and understood and validated.


For years he never said "I love you." As a mom my heart ached that he never said those words and that socially he didn't understand why we say them to the people we care about. I finally decided one day when incorporating his social stories (when you role play to teach a special needs child what to do or say in specific situations) that it was a huge disservice to not teach him something so important. I explained to him when we deeply care for someone we say: "I love you and they usually then say I love you back."


That night at bedtime and ever since when I've said "I love you." he has replied with "I love you back."

He took it to mean literally but that's okay. It's our thing, it's special and it makes me smile.


Here's to the moms who doubt themselves, who beat themselves up, who question, who cry, who drive in traffic with the same questions swirling in their heads of what to do, who wonder if what their doing is right, good enough or even wrong. Here's to the moms who continue to fight for their child even when they are bone tired from exhaustion, endless evaluations and therapies. Here's to the mom's who feel they are fighting this battle alone and think they have no one to turn to, to listen to, or guide them....

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

Other's have been there before you. 

Other's are there now. 

We know the pain, the doubts, the tears, the questions, the isolation and the loneliness. 

God will guide you. God will pick you up off the floor, hold you, wipe your tears and lift you up. God will lead you to the right places, the right people and the right help. God will get you the answers you need. And along the way, bit by bit God will give you people.... other moms who are going through the same thing and who will offer you support, advice, hope and most of all..... LOVE.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013