A Letter Of Love: For Those Enduring A Break-Up

“Future” by graur razvan donut via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

It's never easy for a good woman to walk away; especially after she's invested so much of herself into making it work. Just know, that by the time she finally decides to leave, she's given you countless chances and debated the idea, over and over in her head, at least 1000 times. She's exhausted; she's frustrated and totally heartbroken to have to walk away from a man who deep down inside, she still loves and is still willing to fight for."

 - Mr. Amari Soul 


But sometimes were not willing

 to fight for love anymore…
because sometimes we realize were the only one fighting for it.


December 2015

names have been omitted in this post

*****************

It was just days before Christmas… what a year it had been. It was a year of many changes and blessings… of financial stability, health and even heartbreak. But with that heartbreak came the promise of a new year… a fresh start… and renewed hope. 

Wearing black leggings, warm socks and a plaid flannel shirt I poured milk from it's plastic container into a small pot upon the cooktop… waiting for it to slowly simmer and gradually reach a soft rolling boil. I listened as my mother spoke. 

"I'll tell you why you're so upset! Why the past few weeks have been so hard! It's because he turned out to not be willing to do the necessary work he needed to. He wasn't willing to step up. Because deep down you realize he doesn't love you enough to do it." She watched as I returned the milk to it's place in the refrigerator, closing it. Then I rummaged through the pantry in search of hot cocoa powder. 

Ouch. 

Yeppers. That was it. 

My voice cracked with emotion like it does when I'm trying my hardest not to cry. "Yeah…" I replied feeling the sting of the truth biting me. "He kept complaining about his back pain, his depression, his ex, his mother, his job, it was always something. I began to realize he just wanted me to be his fix for everything. He takes zero personal responsibility for his own life. I mentioned counseling… that it really helps. He said he would need me to join him in counseling… in his own words "to keep him honest"… I thought that was the most bizarre and alarming thing to say." 

She nodded and said "He needed you to keep him honest… like a child? So what? If you married him you'd have to be with him 24/7 just to ensure he's doing what he's supposed to do? Being where he's supposed to be? Who the heck is going to sign up for that? Then what? If he cheats… let me guess… it's your fault?" 

I murmured in agreement as I poured hot cocoa powder into empty Christmas mugs from Target for my daughter and I and then set out a tub of cool whip and chocolate sprinkles. 

"I actually said the same thing to him in so many words. I asked him if he was three years old… that I shouldn't have to baby-sit him. It's so ironic, really… he accused me of not wanting to put in the work necessary when he's actually the one that is stubborn to self-growth and personal responsibility. It's not my first rodeo… I've been through this before… all this twisting and spinning." I sighed "At the end of the day it's a no go. It's really hurt because I had high hopes. That's the thing about it… you can deeply love and care about someone even if they aren't right for you." 

A Letter Of Love… 

You lost him.

Or her.

You lost someone special.

Someone who at one time you would have done anything for.

Maybe you did. 

Maybe you still would.

Maybe you would have walked on glass or through fire to prove how much you loved them. 

Maybe you would have fought every weary battle imaginable to be with them.

Perhaps losing them happened in one fell swoop… or perhaps it was a painful, long, slow, process as bit by bit you lost them more each day over the course of weeks, months, even years.

Maybe you knew every scar beneath clothing.

Maybe you knew every smirk, look, and inflection.

Maybe you knew each quirk, peeve and irritation.

Maybe you listened to their every fear, hope and dream into the wee hours of night.

Maybe you grasped their hand with affection when all was good and clasped it when tears fell from their eyes in the bad.

Maybe you knew exactly where their sore spots were, where not to touch, where you dared not go so as to never inflict further hurt and pain.

Maybe you knew every little thing that made them laugh and every great joy they basked in.

Maybe you knew their soul, their deep down yearnings like no other… maybe you read every page of their heart and still desired to know more.

Maybe you made love to them in the brilliant sunlight of day with the scent of coffee nearby… or maybe you satisfied them in the midnight hours eliciting increasing crescendo.

Maybe you held them tight when they were afraid and put their worries to rest even when they knew they were silly.

Maybe you worried when they didn't call or arrive when promised… all those times you fleetingly felt a surge of reality rise up within from your stomach and strike your heart… reality that you simply can't lose this person who means everything to you.

Maybe you didn't step up when you needed to… maybe you feel you failed them on some level however difficult or impossible to admit to yourself because it hurts too much.

Maybe you didn't allow yourself to be vulnerable with them and let your annoying traits, your hang-ups, your occasional doubts show because you questioned who could love those.

Maybe you sacrificed too much… maybe you said yes too many times when you should have said no… maybe you realize you were doing the opposite of what you should have been doing.

Maybe they gave up on you and you're left standing on the side of the road wondering where to go next… lost… lonely and baffled.

Maybe you are mourning who you thought they were... as it turned out they resembled hurt rather than love.

Maybe you'll never stop loving them because it wasn't that you didn't… it's that no matter how you tried to show it… you could never seem to get it right.

Maybe you know now that whatever you did wrong you can't go back and fix… whatever it is, or was it's simply too late…

Maybe you're kicking yourself.

Maybe you're angry with them as well.

And maybe you need to realize that it's okay to be upset…

It's okay to cry.

It's okay to acknowledge a great loss has happened.

It's okay to admit that you still love them... love is there, always will be... it's just that you aren't right for each other.

It's brave to say "I don't have it all together", "I miss them" or even "I screwed up."

It takes guts to say "I'm not okay… but I will be."

There is no shame in saying "This didn't turn out how I wanted it to."

There is no shame in saying "I'm incredibly disappointed."

There is no shame in saying "I'm struggling."

We've all been there.

To act like we haven't would be a lie.

The hurt you are experiencing is not only completely understandable but so necessary… it's necessary to go through the dark tunnel of sorrow and grief, to gather up all the past and sort through it like a stack of fading photographs… it's necessary so as to make room for all the new…

Because there is another chapter…

Shining brightly for you.

A whole new world awaits and gradually it's one free of tears and a non-bruised heart.

It's a chapter of great adventures, new skills and learning.

It's a chapter of fresh faces, long talks and laughs.

It's a chapter of healing, self-care and possibly love again.

This trying time won't last forever.

In the overall scheme of life it's a blip.

Embrace the now, your mourning, your loss and emotions.

Then wipe your eyes and cling to hope… hope that indeed life will get better.

It always does.

Be patient, wait for it.

Everything better is worth waiting for.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, commenting 

and sharing! 

RELATED POSTS:


Dating After Divorce: 5 Questions To Ask Yourself

10 Signs You're Dating A Narcissistic Sociopath

Is Your EX-Narc Happy Now?

Moving On After A Divorce/Break-Up: 10 Tips

Moving on after a breakup, 
a divorce, what have you,
 can be incredibly difficult… 
but thank goodness
 it is totally doable… 
and with a few tips we can 
have a smoother transition 
from the despairing sniffles of: 
"Oh My Gosh WHAT happened to my life?!" 
to: 
 "Okay I LOVE this new life!"

10 Tips For Moving On:

1. With numerous posts on going No Contact it's no surprise this one makes the list. It can do us no good to keep one foot in the past and one in the future.


2. Getting off Facebook… at least for awhile. Seeing other's posts of their wonderful marriages (or perhaps delusions they have one) may send you either into a wallowing of self pity or retching in the toilet from jadedness. Once you're past the storm and firmly rooted (and thriving) in your new life Facebook may be more enjoyable.


3. There will be a day you are caught off guard that you're happy. That you're truly happy. It may be finding yourself giggling at something… or walking to your car after work and feeling the sun hit your face as you grip the check you earned that goes into your solo bank account… or maybe it's finding yourself humming to a song and feeling light again. Whatever it is, take joy in it… take joy that divorce didn't destroy you. That you're still here and happily thriving. You may throw yourself into your work, your hobbies, your passions, your children, etc and find that life really does not just continue after a breakup but can actually become better.


4. Counting our blessings are something that comes with going through a storm and coming out the other side wiser and stronger. So often we hear that God won't give us more than we can handle… but that's simply not true. If He only gave us what we could handle we wouldn't need Him, we'd be self sufficient. Instead, no matter what happens in our life God is there with us and will guide us through… we just have to trust him despite any doubts. When we emerge out of the darkness into the light we can breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for being there with us and for everything we have.


5. Sometimes folks can find themselves addicted to people who are not good for them. Kinda like unhealthy foods, drugs or alcohol… it may be a struggle to completely cut the cord from someone who is not healthy but it's doable and so worth it. (Here is a link to a recommended book) Breaking up, getting back together, breaking up again, is a sign of instability, dependency and toxicity. Remember that you deserve a love that is healthy and not abusive in any way shape or form. And the alternative of having no one is way better than being with someone toxic.

6. Reflection. It is so incredibly important when it comes to your breakup, divorce, etc. Yes, your ex may be certifiably crazy, I get it. But there are things we can all reflect on that we could have done differently. Now I look back on dinners during my marriage and wonder why I went to so much effort back then. I cooked meals that were often met with: "Oh, I already ate, I had a late lunch at three, I'm not hungry." Yes, it was incredibly insensitive; there is this little invention called a phone (take note). It wasn't like I was serving spam or something… I was making baked chicken complete with Italian breadcrumbs, green beans, red potatoes and rolls with chocolate cake for dessert. If I had it to do over; I'd have just picked up ready made meals from the local high end marketplace, warmed it and said "Come and get it if you want it!" I would have shopped way less on decorative "stuff" for the house and instead when my cd player went out in the SUV just promptly driven it to the dealership and said "I need this repaired, please. Put it on my husband's credit card, thank you." We can each realize what areas we went above and beyond, what areas we personally lacked in (for me it would have been needing to take action, not waiting for him) and where adjustments (and different reactions) needed to be made. *There is no "different or right reaction" to abuse; it's wrong, period. You didn't cause it to occur. No one can make someone else change their ways; we are each responsible for ourselves. 


7. Realize that whatever you think may be in black and white terms. (Yet this can change). As women we may think to ourselves: "All men are slime. All men are no good, lying, sorry cheaters."

(Men may think the same of women).  I told God this on more than one occasion during my divorce process. Imagine my surprise how we can then be placed amongst people whom God uses to prove us wrong. I really think He often sits up there listening to us down here spew gibberish in the heat of frustrated hurt and anger and goes: "Oh really? Hmm, okay, we'll see." God may place new male figures in our life that are highly empathetic, caring, safe and genuinely selfless… and yes, they are so very needed and much appreciated. We can thank God for these men and women placed in our lives… whenever we begin going down a path of black and white thinking there is always someone ready to prove us wrong.


8. Cherish this time with your children if you have them in your life and they haven't been alienated from you by your ex. Pray for their continued healing and well being. Have the tough conversations and encourage openness. This is a time to connect and develop an even deeper bond than before. Time will pass as we all know much too quickly and we don't want to look back realizing not only was our children's childhood affected by their parents splitting but forever further affected by an absent parent who wouldn't/didn't spend time with them. 

9. Remember the good in your relationship (if there was any) and realize that it's perfectly okay to enjoy looking back on the good memories… that they aren't a betrayer to how nasty the relationship was at times or perhaps ended. It's fine to admit that you really enjoyed that vacation to San Diego together, that he (or she) was good about making sure your vehicle's oil was changed, or that she was a good cook and maybe you miss that. 

10. It's so important in going through the aftermath of a breakup to feel all of the emotions involved and to realize that just like the process of moving on after a death it's not linear… there will be ups and downs. It won't be overnight, it won't be a clean and precise upward climb but the good news is you don't have to rush it, your time line is specific to you. And the best part is once you have made it to the top of that mountain you will smile with uninhibited JOY… no amount of people from your marital past can tear you down. You have been in the pit. God was with you the whole way out… like a butterfly you've escaped the dark confines of the cocoon and now fly on the wings of freedom and renewal. You are firmly planted in your story of triumph and your journey is not over... God has given you the grace, power and strength despite all the pain and doubts to proclaim without hesitation: "I give praise and glory to God!" 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

RELATED POSTS

Dear Divorced Man or Woman: There Is A Place For You

Saying Goodbye To Your Ex & "Yes" To Love Again

Single Life: How You Feel Is Perfectly Okay

Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing!

7 Tips For Releasing Blame Post Divorce: Self Imposed & Toward Your Ex

In 2014 a thirty nine year old Texas man was punched out for bravely standing up to a group of men who were cat-calling women from their vehicle. Upon him telling the men something to the effect of "hey, watch what you're saying…" one leaped from the vehicle and punched him in the face sending him to the concrete where he lay unconscious, awaiting medical help. This isn't the first time that men behaving badly toward women has ended in violence nor sadly likely the last.

This past Saturday after a gloriously fun day of sunshine, floats, Irish music, snow cones, barbecue and southern potato salad, my daughter and I left the St. Patricks Day parade we had attended and pulled into a gas station en-route home. As I exited the gas station a man entering spoke to me "Hey, what's up baby doll! How you doin?" Disgust rose within me and I instinctively wanted to respond, to lash out, as I thought to myself… Hey, Neanderthal, how would you like my knee to meet up with your testicles? But, no, I bit my Irish tongue. I ignored the comment and continued on, him emitting a low guttural sound of indignant ego-centric injury; bewildered I wasn't enthralled with what he believed to be a splendid choice of words. As women we may be blamed for these scenarios. Some may ask "Well, what were you wearing?" or think "Well, you're too sensitive, it could be viewed as a compliment, maybe you need to lighten up."

But the truth is… none of those responses apply, as women shouldn't be made to feel as though they are the ones with the issue.

It's really no different in the aftermath of a breakup. Some may tend to shift blame to the wrong person.

A couple weeks ago I met a friend for lunch and after her sharing the updates of her life I shared the good news I had a new job, that I enjoyed my work, liked my boss and found my co-workers delightful to work with. I explained that post divorce I had at times been beating myself up for the fact I hadn't had a career during my marriage. I had worked part time here or there but for the most part as a whole I had primarily been a stay at home mom. After marrying and starting a family I had wanted to be at home with my children, especially when they were young at least… I had wanted to give them that stability and enjoy their childhood. But then post divorce I found myself occasionally thinking if only I had worked, if only I had done this, if only I had done that… I'd be further ahead, I'd be financially set, I wouldn't be focused so much on bills, savings and retirement.

But as I did that… I realized it was fine to acknowledge I could have done things differently and even to say I wouldn't make the same choices in the future, but not in taking on more blame where I shouldn't.

In a self-imposed blame game we may attempt to act as the aid, the salve, the repairman, or woman, to an ex's poor behavior. Maybe we find ourselves thinking: "Well, if I'd done x, y, z, I wouldn't be in such a mess… if I'd done THIS or THAT it would have offset his or her screw up aka infidelity." But we cannot make someone behave. We are then subscribing to the false idea we can control someone else's actions.

Like those guys who were cat-calling and the guy at the gas station sometimes people truly are to blame for poor behavior and less than swell circumstances. Yet they may or may not take responsibility for their poor choices. In hindsight we can all take responsibility for where we could have done better whether it be in our marriages, friendships, even our parenting. The problems begin when blame starts getting shifted to others, when people won't own up to their part in a situation. Or alternatively issues start when we begin blaming ourselves for something instead of having a balanced and healthy view of it or merely our hand in it amongst others contribution.

No matter what your marriage was like; no matter how amicable or even "War of the Roses-like" your divorce was… there are lessons to be taken from it. One of those lessons is learning to give yourself grace. Not an excuse for bad behavior but yes, please don't beat yourself up with all the coulda woulda shoulda's post relationship. It may be tempting to go there but at the end of the day give yourself sweet, sweet grace.

It's never wise nor healthy to take on the role of the victim in our failed relationships. It deems us powerless in our past where we had choices but either refused to make them or simply naively believed, hoped, that a grossly dysfunctional situation would get better. Both men and women are capable of being married to narcissistic, sociopathic people… those who marry them are without a doubt targets… but we don't have to sign the dotted line as a victim nor a target for infinity. We each have the ability to move on, to take responsibility for our portion and then rebuild our life to reflect that blessed insight.

Taking responsibility post divorce for what areas we could have done better in, even what we would do differently if in a new relationship, takes clarity, maturity and wisdom. In life we can learn from our past and forge forward with more information to make better choices in the next chapter(s) to come. In taking responsibility we need to be cautious in how much we are assuming… are we accepting the whole pie as ours when it burned up? Or are we accepting responsibility for a quarter of it? Or half? What was your role in it burning to a crisp? Do you even have one? Don't accept the entire pie as yours if portions of it truly belong on someone else's plate.

If you grew up as the black sheep, the scapegoat in a family where a narcissist was the head of the flock and always found fault with you… then you may have grown up in a pattern of being told you were the sole cause for x,y,z to happen… even if that wasn't reality. It's never too late to say "No" to that unhealthy pattern, even years later and reclaim your life… you don't have to accept blame and gross responsibility from others where it doesn't apply… instead you can subscribe to a new outlook, one of clear, concise objectivity… 

And like the pie just accept the slice(s) that belong to you.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

7 Steps To Release Blame:

1. Acknowledge your anger
2. Talk about why you're angry; with either a trusted therapist, friend or pastor
3. Use your anger in a healthy way; start a new project, hobby, career, workout routine/class, volunteer, write/journal, find ways to channel that anger into something positive and life changing.
4. Acknowledge any fears you may have; are you afraid you will never find someone and live a life all alone? Are you clinging to blame out of the fear of failing financially? Maybe a general fear of the unknown future?
5. Can you make a list of what you did right in your relationship? What things could you have done differently?
6. Acknowledge any improvements in your new life; there have to be some no matter how small. Celebrate those and think of how to add more.
7. Focus on each of your daily choices because you are in the drivers seat; are you reaching for the Ben n Jerry's when a run might be more beneficial? Is isolation really better than meeting up with friends? Being aware of our daily actions can dictate if we spring back from a divorce or stay stuck in the pain of the past.

RELATED POSTS: 

For Men & Women: 10 Lessons From Divorce

Husbands & Wives: You Have 2 Jobs

Dear Friend: A Letter of Love To You

Recovery From PTSD After Narcissistic Sociopathic Abuse: 13 Signs

“The Desperate Anxiety” by Naypong via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

names have been omitted in this post 

****************

After I filed for divorce in October 2012 nightmares were kickstarted. They continued through my divorce and even post finalization. Nightmares are nothing new to me. They first started after returning from leaving home and living with gang members at seventeen however fleeting. Back then my startle response was heightened, I couldn't relax and at any given moment I was ready to go into fight or flight like a ninja. Then in 2008 after my sister was killed unexpectedly by a drunk driver new nightmares ensued. Those were the worst, like something from a horror film leaving me waking up gasping in a twisted sweat. But the nightmares that came next on the heels of my divorce were by far the most bizarre; like something out of the movie Inception with buildings that shifted and moved, I was transported back into my old house trying to escape my ex as the three stories were in perpetual motion and I couldn't seem to find my way out…

I never thought for a minute someone could have post traumatic stress disorder, 

PTSD for short from a less than emotionally healthy marriage…

Years ago I wasn't aware that someone could have PTSD from a rape, from a toxic marriage or from enduring the loss of a loved one in a horrific wreck. I had always thought that PTSD was only possible from being in a war… as is often spoken about war veterans. But there is a far and wide spectrum of the severity of PTSD and the source of it's cause.


PTSD is when our minds have not fully processed what we've experienced… our systems are confused and cannot seem to differentiate real threats from false ones; our circuitry has become muddied and we feel frightened, even threatened when there is no longer danger present. Each of us reacts differently to trauma so we are wholly unique in our responses to it. The help and support system we receive (or lack thereof) may also contribute to if or how someone develops PTSD. Individuals who have been physically assaulted, kidnapped, witnessed a traumatic event, have been raped or have been targets of domestic abuse are candidates for PTSD… both men and women being affected.

PTSD is NOT a sign of weakness
You are not weird, 
not unstable, 
not an embarrassment, 
and not a freak. 
There is no stigma 
with having 
PTSD. 

There are therapies to help and reaching out to your family physician or a trusted therapist in the divorce process is wise… I tried EMDR after my sister's passing and didn't find it helpful (maybe because I thought it was more bizarre than my dreams themselves) but that's not to say it hasn't helped others and it's not at least worth a try. Yoga, meditation and general exercise may help as well as a general pursuit of staying mindful and even journaling.

About 3.6% of adult Americans -- about 5.2 million people -- suffer from PTSD during the course of a year, and an estimated 7.8 million Americans will experience PTSD at some point in their lives. - via webmd

Typically if you experience symptoms for more than one month it's a sign you may have PTSD… a doctor can review all your symptoms to determine the best course of help for you. Anti-depressants may be used combined with talk therapy to help you find healing. It was on the heels of my being diagnosed with ADHD I mentioned my nightmares following my sister's death to a psychiatrist and after listening for some time he nodded and said I definitely showed signs of extreme anxiety from it, him offering to prescribe me Lithium. After researching Lithium I decided it wasn't for me. (He said one alternative was a daily dose of crazy water ) I decided it was time to up my exercise routine and find better natural ways to cope as I was already committed to taking ADHD medication and wasn't willing to add another med. With time, therapy, breathing exercises and relaxation cd's my symptoms have greatly improved where nightmares are concerned… I still find myself wound up tight but I am hopeful for continued improvements as I address that. It's a process. Each person is individual in what works best for them, their recovery process and whether they choose to take medication for it.

PTSD is a type of anxiety disorder 

“3d Image Ptsd - Post traumatic Stress Disorder Issues Concept Wor” 

by David Castillo Dominici via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

During the course of my divorce anytime I had to interact with my soon-to-be-ex I was left visibly shaking, trembling… even talking to him on the phone left me rattled. I couldn't figure out why I was having this reaction, as I hadn't had it previously with him. But my thoughts did keep returning to the early October morning that I discovered he was cheating (you can read that post here if you haven't) and that memory alone was enough to set off my trembling. I finally explained to my mother what was going on and she nodded…

"I was fearful of what would happen if he walked in and found you that morning. I kept watching the clock knowing you were searching for clues he was cheating and was worried if you were okay. I stayed by the phone waiting to hear from you."

"I remember feeling so panicked that morning. I had so much adrenaline going through me. Here I was basically trapped up on the third floor in the bedroom if he came home before I finished and I knew I had to hurry because honestly… I didn't trust him to not do something when he came home, my instincts told me I wasn't safe." I paused then added with reflection…  "If you think for a minute someone in that position is going to risk losing everything… what a perfect situation to just make it look like I'd just had an accident and fell… he had already been telling you and dad he was "concerned for me", painting me like I was unstable… he was setting the scene for something... call it silly but I've watched enough psycho's on Dateline to see the horrible things that can happen when desperate people feel threatened and want to replace you with someone new." I told her.


Hence the trembling.

I literally felt like I got out by the seat of my pants from that marriage.


Below are the signs of PTSD: someone may experience all or just a few  

1. Feeling emotionally numb; difficulty finding any real joy.
2. Lack of or fuzzy memory
3. Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
4. Always being on guard; fight or flight
5. Being on edge; aggression, feeling irritated
6. Difficulty sleeping
7. Easily startled
8. Recurring and distressing memories from the relationship or event
9. Reliving the experience; triggers/ flashbacks
10. Nightmares about the experience
11. Trembling, panic attacks
12. Depression

13. A need for solitude


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

If you or a loved one is experiencing PTSD you can gradually get better, help is out there and there is no reason to feel alone… others are experiencing it as well and there is hope.

Resources: 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) 
Trusted Pastor or church member 
Family Physician or therapist 
National Institute Of Mental Health

National Domestic Violence Hotline

800-799-SAFE

Related Posts:

Toxic Ties: The Soul Ties That Bind Us To Another 
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/07/toxic-ties-soul-ties-that-bind-us-to.html

When A Sociopath Meets A Nice Person 
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/07/when-sociopath-meets-nice-person.html

The 3 Stages The Sociopath Puts You Through
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-3-stages-sociopath-puts-you-through.html

She Asked Me: Who Killed Your Sister?

“Traveling At Speed Of Light” by digidreamgrafix via FreeDigitalphotos.net 

February 2015

names have been changed and omitted in this post 

**************

It was February, when skies are often gray all twenty eight days and temperatures typically hover in the fifties. I can take the chill of fifty degree weather, but please Dear Mother Nature, send us some sun with it… to take that winter edge off, so we don't feel as though we live in a gray blanket.

A little past three o'clock, I maneuvered thick afternoon traffic after having picked up my daughter from school… we had just departed from the post office and now were en route to the grocery store to pick up a few essentials like milk, bread and eggs. As I glided past stores, a seafood restaurant and a bakery… I heard my daughter speak up from the backseat.

"How come Daddy is taking us to see Braydon?" She asked me, "us" meaning her and her brother seeing their younger cousin Braydon.

My mental daydreaming behind the wheel was interrupted by her unexpected question and I took a few seconds to collect my thoughts.

"Braydon is my nephew, your cousin… so it's really my place to take you to see Braydon. I don't know why he's doing that. But sometimes people don't always know their place… sometimes people just ignore boundaries and do what they want." I murmured with irritation thinking of her father.

"Oh…" She responded "So, Daddy does it even though he knows he shouldn't? I mean, he does it just to be annoying? Because he's your nephew, your sister's kid so I don't think he should be doing that..." She asked me, rationalizing aloud, trying to get clarification on a situation that was beyond anyone's comprehension at this point…

"Yeah, pretty much!" I replied and as soon as I uttered it, realizing my tone was a little snappy. Ugh. I took a deep breath, this was very difficult territory for me, this was hard stuff, this was an area where I had to work comparable to pulling nails to not lose my cool. Rationally I knew it wasn't her fault. Admittedly just the topic alone often sent me into an irritated state by just thinking about it and succumbing to becoming grumpy. Deep breaths, I told myself. It's not her fault, she doesn't know what you're dealing with. She doesn't know that it is all ridiculously insane and some twilight zone we've all entered. Or maybe she did. Just quietly observing over time she had already gathered information about her dad's actions. She obviously saw reality as it was, she was a smart kid and I certainly wasn't going to protest when she saw the truth before her… the truth however grossly odd. It was so bizarre… my deceased sister who had been killed by a drunk driver; her child that was born just before her death, my sweet nephew… was at times in the care of my ex… whom my sister had despised with a passion. It was all so ironically dysfunctional and awful at best. My ex would occasionally have my nephew in his care when our daughter was on his week and along with our son they would go out to eat and hang out.

When I had explained this strange reality to sweet long time friends at breakfast one morning over eggs, biscuits and coffee, one of them leaned forward in astonishment and understandable angered injustice at the whole thing… "You have GOT to be kidding me!" was written all over her face… unbelieving that this was even possible, that anyone could be that inept, that conniving, that manipulative, that anyone could be that big of a "meanie poopie head" as my daughter says. But, yes, as unbelievable as it was, boundaries seemed to be non-existent and instead chaos ran amok happily served up by my ex.

As we drove along, taking the curves on the main thoroughfare, I ruminated over the situation, my daughter having sparked a mental narrative… she spoke…

"Mommy, how come you get stuff in the mail from those MADD people all the time? What are they sending you?"

"I get letters about other families that have been affected by drunk drivers, sometimes I just get updates on what they are doing to fight drunk driving and other times they ask me to donate money. I try to send them what I can." I told her.

"Oh…" She replied. I glanced at her sitting in the backseat via the rearview mirror and detected her furrowed brows… she was deep in thought and as if trying to piece together a puzzle, she seemed troubled by something. In seconds I would find out what it was… the next question was coming, like a tornado, a question I had dreaded one day my being asked and bewilderingly, it was now coming… like a wind that had been kept at bay for years… now it was being released and with it the ability to send me into a near panic at it's presence.

"Mommy… who killed your sister? The drunk driver who killed Aunt Elaine, who was it? Did they die?" She asked me, the question making my stomach drop, my hands gripping the leather steering wheel becoming clammy, wishing she hadn't asked. I truly hadn't expected this question this soon… maybe in a few years… but not yet. And I wished it hadn't shown up at my door… it wasn't something I had wanted to have to delve into… and at that I wasn't sure if I ever would be ready to.

I pressed the button on the radio, silencing the music playing softly and cleared my throat. I didn't answer right away… I sat at the light that had turned red watching the traffic flow, vehicles taking their turns, trying to grasp my thoughts… I hated this. I really hated this.

"Braydon's daddy killed her." I finally said.

I heard an audible gasp from the backseat and finally she spoke "Braydon's daddy?" She affirmed.

"Yes, " I responded through gritted teeth, "He died the next morning." I added.

"Ohhh… " She said sadly, then came the next question… "Is he in heaven? Or hell?"

GET. ME. OUT. OF. HERE. 


The light turned green. I paused, looking both ways before hitting the gas to ensure anyone who believed they were invincible wasn't running the light.

Years ago, fresh in my grief I admit I would have said "hell". Quickly, it would have spat out like a nasty bit of phlegm from one's throat… I would have said hell and meant it. I would have gladly served up the answer of hell and felt justified. I would have shoved down any feelings that spoke otherwise and briskly moved on in my fury, hurt and loss. He had been abusive toward her both verbally and physically for years leading up to our losing her.

Now… today, I soberly answered her with more reason and insight… "I don't know where he is." I admitted, "I don't make that decision. God makes that decision. When people do things that are bad and that hurt others we may think they went to hell. And yeah, maybe were right. The bible says no drunkards will inherit the kingdom. But ultimately there is grace and God decides who goes where."

"Poor Braydon…" She whispered softly in the backseat, her small hands clasped in her lap. "Does he know?" She asked.

"No, he doesn't. Listen… if you have any questions about any of this, feel free to ask me, okay? But please don't bring it up to Grandma… "I added, "It only serves to upset her and she's upset enough about it."

"Okay, I won't." She agreed.

*********************

Drinking should always be dealt with carefully, with sober judgment and extreme moderation. The bible speaks of how we should not walk around in drunkenness, in lewdness and revelry as described in Romans 13:13. Anything of excess we know can cause major issues for us… but add alcohol consumption to a moving vehicle, well, any machinery really and we have a recipe for disaster.

The problem with drinking too much is not just related to the possible cause of injury or death from adding driving to the mix but also other unwise decisions… the more we drink the more our vision becomes clouded, our good judgment becomes skewed and the more likely we are to dabble in immoral actions like pre-marital sex, engage in brawling, letting our tongues loose in anger, or simply dying from alcohol poisoning.

I don't believe God is against us drinking altogether although some churches and denominations forbid it… According to this verse the bible shows drinking is permissible…

"...take the silver with you and go to the place the LORD your God will choose.  Use the silver to buy whatever you like: cattle, sheep, wine or other fermented drink, or anything you wish…" 

But that also doesn't mean to go nuts and throw caution to the wind… to succumb to a drunken state. I believe one of the other issues today with alcohol is the general joking done about it by society… it's everywhere, seemingly infiltrating home decor, gift bags, greeting cards, etc. When I'm out shopping and see decorative signs like "Wine Me Up & Watch Me Go!" it makes me cringe. I'd use that sign for kindling… it would never make it's way into my house. We never know if the person sitting beside us has lost someone to a drunk driver. Right after the loss of my sister I was at a church retreat with other women… sitting at the kitchen table eating a sausage and egg casserole with fruit and juice, I was enjoying the laughs and joy we shared together. But when one of the women laughingly quipped she put alcohol in her pre-schoolers sippy cup to drink at sporting events she attended, I recoiled. I was incredibly upset by that remark. I nearly bit my tongue in half and excused myself from the table. We never know if the person within earshot of us or sitting at the table we are sharing at the company Christmas dinner party is a victim of a drunk driver or yes, even a recovering alcoholic… perhaps they are using every bit of strength to rebuke temptation, {THEY ARE BRAVE} to refrain from having a drink. I do believe we as a society need to be more sensitive in general to others as the often casual remarks made in public, social settings can really wound. If everyone at a table is drinking and one person chooses to order iced tea or water… leave them be… don't ostracize them in front of their peers, don't point out their decision to not drink and above all do not mock them. Some people believe drinking is a sin… respect their decision. Never encourage someone to drink, especially if they've made it clear they have an issue with it. It's not to say you should never drink although that is a choice for some and that is okay… sometimes it's due to medications they are taking, etc. But we do need to make sure we are making wise choices if we do choose to drink.

GLORY TO GOD… 
When we make choices, including those related to alcohol we want to make sure we are honoring God… are we living as He would want us to? Are we following His word? Are the actions were choosing and the words we are uttering related to drinking something we would do and say if Christ was standing beside us? God wants a fruitful life for us… and when we make good choices it brings glory to Him.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com  ~ 2015

RELATED POSTS:

Drunk Driving: Losing My Sister & Finding Hope In A Dark Place 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/12/drunk-driving-losing-my-sister-finding.html

Life: It's An Obstacle Course 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/05/life-its-obstacle-course.html

The Best Of Me: 5 Truths In Life 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-best-of-me-5-truths-in-life.html

Parents: Flawed Human or Villain? Acceptance & Healing

 this post contains language 

***************

I was scrolling on Facebook and noticed a post by Humans of New York … otherwise known for short as HONY, maybe you're familiar with the page. There, posted on Sunday the 18th was a photograph of a young woman wearing a purple hooded jacket, black jeans and boots with curly hair… she was quoted saying:

"I realize now that my parents are just regular people with flaws,

 and my dad is not a villain. He's just an asshole."

I believe she was trying to explain that initially she viewed her father as being a villain, a calculated individual who knowingly, purposefully hurt others and as the years passed she has realized, learned the difference between someone being merely flawed, perhaps the occasional jerky behavior and then the one who is of a sociopathic nature. There is a difference and she has learned she merely has one from the lower level, a flawed father or occasional jerk if you will. No matter what she believes she has dealt with, no matter what she believes he is… she has endured some type of hurt, some type of infliction by him. We can't know exactly what she's experienced, as we have no information to go on in terms of details. I don't believe for a second she's a spoiled or entitled young adult who is haphazardly throwing verbal barbs. She's had a less than swell experience with him growing up and has put great thought into her changed perspective of him as it's grown and changed as she has. There were many supportive people on there who commented that they too had had less than wonderful fathers, some even more aptly referring to their fathers as downright abusive. People acknowledged her hurt, her wounds, they shared words of love and affirmation and even hope and healing. It was beautiful to see so many folks of all ages pouring out their hearts with compassion for her. As well there were commenters who bashed her. Some argued she was perhaps the "a**h***", that perhaps she shouldn't have used the word "a**h***" in describing her own father. Granted, God obviously doesn't want us using foul words that don't bring life and some commenters further stated that she shouldn't have used the word she used to describe her father on such a public platform. Could she have found a less potentially volatile adjective? Could she have chosen better wording in describing him? Yes. We've likely all used less than golden words to describe others, myself included. But no matter what they believed, at the end of the day the young woman needed compassion shown to her. 

And as they continued

 to ask him, he stood up 

and said to them, 

“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” 

John 8:7 ESV

Maybe you can relate to her experience. 

Perhaps you can relate to her, and maybe you've tried to cope, to deal… maybe for a long, long time, maybe decades. More than likely you have tried above and beyond if you're the child of someone on the extreme who is abusive, man or woman. When we have a parent, whether father or mother who is toxic we go through our entire childhood wishing, hoping they will change. We seek affection, adoration and love from them. We silently shuffle and step around that stinking pile of poo that we know goes with them and hope by appeasing, by pleasing them they will love us unconditionally, they will take the time needed to listen, to connect and show affection, that they will show us love in a healthy, nurturing manner. Instead, we may face a wide spectrum of actions that range from in-your-face screaming, cursing and put downs, to neglect, to more insidious emotional abuse like triangulation amongst us, our siblings and our other parent, gas-lighting, projecting, etc. We may call them on their behavior and yet they may deflect. As children we may spend an entire childhood and even young adulthood hoping in a false hope that our parent will not hurt us again, that they will lay down their toxic behaviors once and for all. Unfortunately, that may not happen. It can take years for children, yes, even grown children to come to the stark realization that they are sending up prayers that may very well never come to fruition. It's an incredibly disappointing reality to come to terms with what we've endured. Because even once we admit to ourselves that a relationship with one of our parents isn't healthy for us, that it causes us great grief, despair, hurt, anxiety and personal violation in terms of boundaries… we still long for it not to. We long and yearn for it to not be that way. We may dabble in a "fake it till you make it" mentality… thinking if we just pretend like it's all rosy the relationship will grow and change from a decaying rotted one to vibrant, blooming and healthy.

People may say:

 "Well, so, they are flawed. They are human. You must accept them." 

Yes, we can accept they are flawed. Perhaps for some this takes longer than for others… perhaps we can remember that all humans are flawed and do UNintentionally hurt others at some point or another and YET there is a big difference between merely flawed and PURPOSEFULLY inflicting hurt that is swept away under the rug by the perpetrator, by the villain, minimized and even delusionally rejected as reality. Undoubtedly some parents are "flawed" in ways so bad, so extreme that it's detrimental for us to be exposed to them… yes, we accept it, we accept that fact and also perhaps that we don't have to accept it as a way to live. 

It's hard to heal from a relationship 

when you're still getting jabbed, isn't it?

When they continue to stick you

and then act like it's your fault it hurt. 

 Distance is sometimes the greatest salve to an open wound. 

As a daughter you may have never felt fulfilled by your relationship with your father. For girls and women, their relationship with their dad sets the tone for any future relationships with men. Becoming co-dependent and marrying narcissistic partners, avoiding commitment all-together or taking on the role as the "head of household"could all be ways to cope later in life. For boys and men… they may sadly never feel as though they match up in their father's eyes… they may always feel like they've let dad down and can't seem to please him no matter what they do. 



It's the great ability to accept the fact that you cannot make a person change, that you can accept they are who they are, whether flawed human or villain…. The ability to accept yourself is wonderful as well, to trust yourself again, to trust your instincts, to delight in the gifts you possess, to realize your beauty and strength, to learn that yes, you are worthy, you can choose distance, you deserve a life free of anxiety and tension, free of walking on eggshells, free of always second guessing yourself, that you are lovable and healing can be yours and that thank goodness without a doubt there is a love greater than anyone else's… Christ's.

Go to Him… he's there to heal you, he accepts you fully. 

14 But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, o“Let the children come to me; pdo not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. 15 qTruly, I say to you, whoever does not rreceive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” 16 And she took them in his arms and blessed them, tlaying his hands on them. 

Mark 10:14-16

11 fI am the good shepherd. The good shepherd glays down his life for the sheep. 12 He who is ha hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and ileaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and jscatters them. 13 He flees because khe is a hired hand and lcares nothing for the sheep. 14 mI am the good shepherd. nI know my own and omy own know me, 15 pjust as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and qI lay down my life for the sheep.

John 10:11-15

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

To My Readers:

Thank you for reading & sharing!