An Open Letter To My Son

My Dear Son…. 


I wasn't going to write this… I knew how hard it would be and I really wasn't sure if I was ready to go into these waters… to delve into this… but I think I am. Stay with me as I try to muddle through… please read it all the way to the end… and give me a chance to tell you everything I want to.


I love you. I love the baby boy you were that I bathed in the kitchen sink at our first home. I loved the toddler you were coloring at my feet in the kitchen with crayons and paper while I baked homemade lasagna for our little family. I loved you in the midst of screaming fits, head banging and defiance. I loved you in the confusing world of testing and diagnoses, appointments and those darn ARD meetings that would leave me exasperated… a panel of people staring back at me as I voiced repeated concern for your academic progress… those meetings that would nearly always inevitably once home, send me straight to the computer on a mission to write the state a scathing letter or even the local paper regarding the public school system. My love for you propelled me forward as your advocate despite any and all obstacles… despite the system often aggravating me to my limits at times. I loved the boy who was fraught with fear by water in his eyes yet years later overcame and grew to be an excellent swimmer. I loved the boy who attempted to hide from sunlight because it hurt his eyes and hated sock bands because they "hurt him"… I loved the boy who was delighted to be handed sunglasses and sandals… who would have worn sandals year round if allowed. I loved the boy who wanted to frolic in bubbles but wanted structure when it came to his trains… because if one moved out of place all hell broke loose… yet I was there to hold you and help you through it… and all the way through a million little kicks to my legs and attempted bite marks on my arms and hands because I loved you…. I loved you when the school called and said "Mrs. Gafford… you're going to have to get up here… he's attacked the teacher." I loved you when we'd go to the zoo and you'd happily point at the penguins because they were your favorite… so I bought you a giant poster of a penguin for your room… I loved you when you asked me to make you your favorite breakfast for dinner… french toast… and I'd make it for you again any time because as your mom I love doing the little things for you.


Fast forward to now…. now… seems so very strange. Now is new territory and it's like I've been lost without a map… trying to adjust to this new way of life as you have… you have gone from living in one home to two and now back to one. Monday I signed the papers for you to live with your dad full-time. You have been under his roof since April and it's been very difficult despite what you may think or perhaps what you've even been told by others. It's not the same with you gone… because aside from the throwing, the screaming, the kicking and the hitting… despite my telling you I'm not permitting your abuse…  you're still my baby… you're still the little boy I taught to blow bubbles, the boy I cared for with 104 temperatures and watched Bear In The Big Blue House with too many times to count.

I know some may think they won in this… but I see zero winners. I see zero victory. I see great loss no matter how it's looked at. I see a father who has an awesomely huge responsibility on his shoulders to finish raising a boy all on his own… I see a father who has positioned and perceived himself as the winner in this twisted mess he's manipulated and yet in that holds foolish thinking. I see a boy who needs to know his mom loves him despite anyone else telling him otherwise. I see a boy who will look back on this time at some point and come to know the truth… that he was used, that he was manipulated, that he was brainwashed. And he will come to know what was done to him and that he was merely a pawn… he will remember in hindsight the "private talks" he was given behind closed doors as his younger sister listened and then told me about. I see a boy who will grow up feeling cheated, jipped and scarred… by someone who was to love him. I see an innocent little boy who was told lies of "tell her you don't feel safe with her"… because that's all it takes today… for a child to say that one simple sentence and suddenly everyone is siding with the child… enabling their delusional state that was spurred by an alienating parent with a hidden toxic agenda.


I hope one day you come to know the truth… and yet it doesn't comfort me knowing that the truth will hurt you... again… because it will mean knowing what someone that is your own flesh and blood did to you… did to all of us. It will mean tears, hurt and maybe even rage, fury and bitterness… and my heart breaks for you… for all of us. I'm writing today to tell you that I struggled for a long time in signing those papers… despite my no longer being able to physically manage you… I've struggled with coming to terms with legally signing off for you to with your dad full-time… for him to have 100% custody. Because in others eyes what kind of mother am I to sign you over to someone that I know is not who he portrays himself to be? Yet I'm not a mother based on paper. I'm not a mother merely by a legal document. I'm not a mother defined by whether you live in my house or your dad's. I don't base being a mother in those terms or forms… that is what I finally came to the conclusion of. I base being a mother by what is in my heart. I don't care what others think. You will always be my baby and I don't need a document in hand to prove it or show it. I don't need to engage in a legal battle with your father to love you. I don't have to jump through his hoops, his attorneys, the courts or a mediators. I don't have to jump in front of a therapist either. They can all excuse my language, please forgive me, God… but they can all shit off. I have nothing to prove. I love you plain as can be and fighting your father is not on my calendar. I'm not dealing with him… I'm excusing myself from his ring of terror so to speak… I'm not jumping, I'm not chasing… I'm not continuing to subscribe to others admonitions and advice of "try this instead…", "well, maybe it would have worked if you'd only stood on your head facing this direction…" and "what about trying this?" I've endured months of that bs and I am done with it all.


I'm standing still. I'm standing in place. You know where I'm at and where to find me. Your father may think he's won. But he's losing. He's losing each and every day as the clock ticks… and time goes by... because karma is a (excuse me) nasty bitch and quite frankly one day he will have to answer to you and a higher power what he has done. He hasn't won. And if he thinks he has… that he's gained your sole love by attempting to obliterate the love you had for me… he's sadly mistaken.


So… now here we are… were going to go to counseling. I will sit and listen. I will listen to what you have to say. And the moment the words of "I don't feel safe with you" escape your lips I will listen, yes... but I will not agree to those words or any poisoned words against me via your dad. I won't agree with you being the messenger by him. I won't agree with any grandstanding or drama on your part facilitated by him. I will continue to sit and be there for you throughout the process and hear you out despite any disagreement on my part. I will continue to be there for you… even if it's from a distance… even if it's from across the room, across town… even if it's from the other end of the earth. I will always love you and one day I hope you realize it despite every calculated move someone tried to thwart it with.

A mom's love for her children can never ever be taken away despite any and all attempts by others.

I love you.


Love,  Mom 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

The Happiest Place On Earth: Disneyland Dad's

Ah, Disney Land… 


Can you imagine what it would be like for your kids to go to Disneyland every other week? Or every other weekend? I'm sure it would be according to them "the best thing ever!"…. and yet you may know already by now that I'm not really referring to Mickey or Minnie but to someone that more closely resembles evil Jafar in Aladdin.


Welcome to Disney Dad… the father who runs a home without rules… who instead of having a healthy father-child dynamic the children are treated as equals… or at least specific children are… whomever it benefits the father most. The father placates his children with a constant flow of promises, gifts and free will. It's a home where order and boundaries don't exist… kids that run amuk and candy flows freely. Foul music abounds, meals are served in front of the television instead of eaten as a family, children are taken along on business trips and treated as adults, personal boats are promised to boys as young as eleven, movies are uploaded to iPhones to keep the younger children out of his hair… and fits are met with "Now… if you don't stop that I'm going to take your cell phone."

The kids leave dads hopped up on excitement from their week or weekend in paradise and go to Mom's where they are met with "No, you can't eat an entire bag of M&M's in one sitting… yes, you have to brush your teeth… no, showers are not optional… no, you are not going to get a phone, you're not old enough… what do you mean the park is old hat? I'm not buying you a boat, sorry."

Rules are stated and attempted to be enforced and instead are met with much derision and anger. Now mom is dealing with kids who don't want to comply… who yell her rules are stupid and they want to be at dad's house exclusively. "Dad is more fun!" they wail and their faces glare at her as she tries to wrack her brain for what exactly just happened. Since when is life like an amusement park everyday? That mentality has become normal for them. Since when does everything have to be a "big deal"? Whatever happened to reading a book, relaxing, playing a family board game and eating supper together? Now comparisons run the gamut and she is quickly losing the race… a race she never knew she entered into… a race she believe is ridiculous and is nothing but spurred by her Ex's insanity and insecurity.

Instead, she feels she's losing control… 

her life has become a train wreck and
 she's met with contempt by her son. 

Here's the truth: 

Disney Dad is not a good parent. He's not modeling healthy parenting for his children… his "parenting skills" in reality suck. He is sitting back with glee… basking in the gratifying joyful supply he gains by hearing how the children are acting out at mom's house… how they defy her, they scream at her, maybe even hit her and mock her ideas of fun. The truth is… he's angry she left, he's angry she has the audacity to ditch him… so he uses the children as his pawn of anger toward her.

She's a great mom who is doing the best she can considering the circumstances. She is dealing with an Ex who is insidiously conveying to the children that mom's rules don't matter… that her ideas of fun are stupid and inadequate… just by having his home be a free-for-all… the two homes are at such extreme ends of a spectrum of parenting it's no wonder that she's frustrated. To a court she may appear to be the inept parent… after all, how much backlash can a dad get if he's giving in to every whim his child has? To the outside world it appears he has everything under control. But the courts need to look closer… and therapy is a must.


So what needs to happen? 

The father needs to be held responsible for his actions. A good therapist needs to step in who is educated in manipulation. Finding a therapist who will work with the family in getting the help they need is essential… if all else fails... for the therapist to document and finally come to the realization that the children are better off with their mother… and voice her findings in court. Perhaps the father can be allowed supervised visitation until he realizes that his Disney-parenting may make his children the happiest on earth under his roof… but if they are terrorizing the rest of the world the source of the issue points back to him.

There Are 2 Types of Disney Dad's: 

The Guilty Dad: 

This dad truly feels bad for the divorce and believes being a Disney Dad makes up for it and at the least makes himself feel better. Granted, he may not have malicious intent but his actions are still not healthy for anyone. 

The Manipulative /Vindictive Dad: 

This Dad knows exactly what's doing… his behavior is calculated and purposeful. All folks go through angry and sorrowful phases of loss right after divorce. But eventually most people heal and begin rebuilding their life. Their anger subsides and in it's place is peace and a desire to move forward. Not so with the Manipulative Disney Dad. He is focused on a long term agenda to make his Ex pay… maybe he has been discarded by his spouse and is bitter about it. This Dad then uses the children in his vendetta to make his Ex suffer and even attempt to gain full custody. He believes by convincing his children he is that he is "most fun parent ever" they will then voice their desire to live with him full time. This is essentially all about control. 

7 SIGNS OF A DISNEY-LAND DAD: 

1. Excess toys, treats and experiences.

2. Too many experiences allowed for their children too early in age… the Disney Dad erroneously believes that allowing his children to have a lot of "adult-like" experiences earlier than typical for their age gives them an advantage in life… it sets them up to be more mature than their peers. However, it can actually lead children to position themselves as equals to the adults in their life… and lead them to become spoiled… and expect preferential treatment.

3. Dad provides material things that he knows mom could never afford or doesn't have the ability to provide even if the money was there. Example: Dad offers to buy son his own boat and he lives along a lake. Mom, on the other hand not only can't afford a boat but has no way to use one if she could.

4. No rules… if babysitters are quitting, if dad can't seem to keep one hired, if kids are being allowed to stay home alone that have zero business doing so… especially young children or special needs children, if children upon acting out are just given empty threats of consequences and nothing is followed through… then those are all red flags of serious issues.

5. These Dads buy their children's love. They believe everything is a "deal to be made" and don't recognize the value in spending time with their children, in connecting with them and listening to their thoughts, needs and feelings. Instead, they make these big sweeping gestures through purchases or experiences.

6. These children often feel empty inside unless they have a loving caring in-tune parent to help offset the damage Dad is doing. They often don't feel heard by their Dad or truly loved. Instead, they are given a bottomless supply of "things" to help fill their needs within. These are the children who later go on to max out credit cards, compete with the Joneses and look for love in all the wrong places.

7. The Disney Dad often plays favorites amongst his children… he may target one child whom he feels he can brain-wash the easiest and then once he's been successful in forming that alliance move on to the other children and seek full custody.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

5 Signs You're Losing Your Child

names have been omitted in this post 

December 2013

***************************

It had been another one of "those nights"… one where I had asked or "told" my son one too many times to go brush his teeth. Unfortunately by about the third or fourth time he'd had enough and stormed off to his bedroom. Moments later I heard the predictable bang! bang! bang! against his bedroom door. In the kitchen I stood at the counter gripping the edges with white fingers. Ugh… when does it ever stop?! I thought to myself. He'd had "fits" since he was about two and although when he was younger they initially appeared out of his control due to a lack of coping skills they had progressively changed to calculated, premeditated... purposeful.


For years I had prayed for change. I had cried for intervention, for help from above. For years I had spearheaded his advocacy and like a force to be reckoned with had determinedly sought help for him… therapies had abounded… tests had run the gamut, help had been had with speech, applied behavior analysis, sensory therapy, role-playing, educational aides, you name it… he'd done it. There had been medication after medication tried and yet nothing seemed to be the answer needed. There had been profound changes of improvement and reason to celebrate…  and yet this issue of physical rage and defiance still remained… and not small issues at that. The issues had grown to monstrous proportions as he'd grown in strength and willpower and although his behavior had tamed at school for the most part thankfully… home still proved to be challenging.


Soon would come objects thrown against the door and walls. His die cast Thomas The Trains he'd clutched in his tiny hand at two and once upon a time happily carried in his pockets along with treasured rocks, Starburst and marbles were thrown against his door. Soon would come bigger objects like lamps, chairs and storage bins being hurled down the hallway toward the kitchen. You had two choices: ignore it or go confront it. Ignoring it meant having your home destroyed. Confronting it meant going into battle and physically trying to restrain him (or risk getting annihilated)… something that if you have lived this life yourself… you know it's not what you exactly pictured doing one day… it's the furthest thing you pictured dealing with when you had a mental picturesque snapshot of your family life.


Instead you're met with fists in your face, your son spitting at you, your arms being bitten, your foot stomped on, your stomach punched, your legs kicked and bruised... all because someone didn't want to comply with a simple task such as teeth brushing, taking a shower or going to bed at 8:30 p.m.


You try to stay strong… you keep trying to push forward, you keep telling yourself "It will get better"… but for whatever reason it only appears to get worse. You wonder why God is allowing this to happen. You sometimes wonder why this is your life… having a temporary pity party for one. You wonder why he is behaving this way… what is needed to change it… to help it and to conquer it. You're left baffled and wondering why it had to happen to your child, to your family… because it affects each of you. You see your daughter running frightened to her room to hide. You have to have talks with her of "If he goes into fit mode run to your room and lock the door." You wonder why on earth it's right for her to have to grow up like this. She tells you "I don't know why he acts like this. I didn't want a brother like this." You nod and hug her… because who could scold her for being honest? It's affected her life and you worry who she will choose one day because of it… because this is what she has always known… and it's not normal, you tell her. This is not healthy. Healthy families don't have this… you stress… because you don't want her to believe for a minute this is okay or acceptable.


The doorbell rings… it's dark, night has arrived and against my better judgment I had called him, my ex to come help. He stands on the porch in running shorts, a black Northface jacket and I let him in. He's accosted by the twinkle lights on the Christmas tree in the otherwise black room and stands awkwardly by it.

"Where is he?" He asks me and I nod toward our son's bedroom. He makes his way in there and I follow close on his heels. I take a seat on the mini cream papasan chair across the room from our son's twin sized bed draped in a navy comforter. His father sits on the bed beside him and pulls him into a bear hug… something so out of character for him. He plants kisses atop his brown head and speaks to him a low soothing tone dripping with manipulation… it could have been a scene straight from the Godfather… and I watched as it eerily played out... wondering who this newest impostor was… because before when we were married he would have gone into an unhinged blind rage at our son's behavior.

"Now… You are so very, very lucky to have everything you could want at my house… but Mommy has rules at her house… and you need to follow them." as he spoke he planted more kisses on his brown haired head… "Now… do you think you can do that for me?" he asked softly.

I sat across from him perched on the papasan with crossed brows and an outraged expression.

"Excuse me? Can we talk?" I spoke… meaning it more of a statement versus a question.

"Sure!" He chirped at me cheerily rising from the bed…  "I''ll be right back…" He promised our son.

Walking into the next room our inky silhouettes were framed against the dark gray painted wall from the Christmas tree lights beside us.

"What was that?" I hissed at him "Are you saying you don't have any rules at your house? Are you saying you don't make him brush his teeth?" I asked him.

"What? What did you want me to say to him?" He asked me expectantly, playing the innocent face.

I stood there staring at him in disbelief. Surely no one was that stupid. No one was that inept. This was like we were married again. It was happening all over again. Him gas lighting me… acting like he was in the right and I was just off my rocker imagining his behavior. But I knew now from enough therapy, enough insight into his manipulation, most importantly enough distance from him and enough coaching of how to handle him that this was not a time for me to doubt my instincts. I knew the truth. This was all calculated manipulation on his part to send a message to our son that I had zero authority, my rules were stupid and that yes, indeed his home was Disneyland and mine was comparable to living with Cruella De Ville.

I told him… "I want you to tell him that this behavior is not acceptable! I want you to tell him that you're not going to put up with him hitting me! Kicking me and destroying everything! That he can't behave this way! That's what I want!" I strongly told him. Inside though I seethed with exasperation. I knew it. I knew I shouldn't have called him. My therapist was right, of course. And  yet this one time incident would show time and time again how he did not act like the father he needed to be but instead continually used our son as a pawn in his own agenda.

********************

I would like to say things have improved since then… but unfortunately they haven't. I miss my son's laugh, silliness, and spirit of always wanting to help. Who he's become is someone nearly unrecognizable to me. The fact is, unless parental alienation is counteracted early on it's extremely difficult to turn around. Not impossible, just very challenging and the process takes time. The last day my son was in my home was March 30th and it's been extremely trying… ninety percent of my calls have gone unanswered, my texts have been ignored, my attempts rebuffed. Parental alienation can begin as benign but grow to monstrous proportions… especially if a parent is relentlessly using his (or her) children as pawns. I pray that with counseling and prayer that my son along with all the other children who have been successfully alienated from a warm, loving parent are helped to see the light… that they see what their parent has done in their own selfish agenda and hopefully reconciliation takes place with the other parent. Below I've listed five signs of parental alienation.

If you or someone you know is dealing with parental alienation 

don't give up! Keep praying for help, for change, for hearts to be transformed. 

CHECK OUT: RYAN THOMAS SPEAKS online here

5 Signs of Parental Alienation: 

1. The child views the alienating parent as all good and the other parent as all bad. There is zero basis for the child's contempt and blatant hatred toward their targeted parent. The child doesn't have remorse, sadness, disappointment etc toward losing the relationship with their parent.

2. The child denies being coached or talked to privately by the alienating parent but in fact has. This damages the relationship the child has with the targeted parent because it takes away their role model… often the better of the two parents.

3. The child's negative attitude toward the targeted parent extends to all of his or her extended family. This is very much black and white thinking… "I've decided he or she is bad so all of them must be as well".

4. The child doesn't have a concrete reason for the hatred toward the target parent… it's all unjustified.

5. Nearly all parents who have been alienated from their child report a relationship that at one time was very close, warm and loving… only to now be baffled why they are hated. This complete turn around is not normal… and has a source… the alienating parent.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers:

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

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http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/08/a-sociopathic-ex-preventing-your-child.html

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