GPS-Grace Power Strength: 04/20/15

Monday, April 20, 2015

Moving On After A Divorce/Break-Up: 10 Tips

Moving on after a breakup,
a divorce, what have you,
can be incredibly difficult…
but thank goodness
it is totally doable…
and with a few tips we can
have a smoother transition
from the despairing sniffles of:
"Oh My Gosh WHAT happened to my life?!"
to:
"Okay I LOVE this new life!"

10 Tips For Moving On:

1. With numerous posts on going No Contact it's no surprise this one makes the list. It can do us no good to keep one foot in the past and one in the future.

2. Getting off Facebook… at least for awhile. Seeing other's posts of their wonderful marriages (or perhaps delusions they have one) may send you either into a wallowing of self pity or retching in the toilet from jadedness. Once you're past the storm and firmly rooted (and thriving) in your new life Facebook may be more enjoyable.

3. There will be a day you are caught off guard that you're happy. That you're truly happy. It may be finding yourself giggling at something… or walking to your car after work and feeling the sun hit your face as you grip the check you earned that goes into your solo bank account… or maybe it's finding yourself humming to a song and feeling light again. Whatever it is, take joy in it… take joy that divorce didn't destroy you. That you're still here and happily thriving. You may throw yourself into your work, your hobbies, your passions, your children, etc and find that life really does not just continue after a breakup but can actually become better.

4. Counting our blessings are something that comes with going through a storm and coming out the other side wiser and stronger. So often we hear that God won't give us more than we can handle… but that's simply not true. If He only gave us what we could handle we wouldn't need Him, we'd be self sufficient. Instead, no matter what happens in our life God is there with us and will guide us through… we just have to trust him despite any doubts. When we emerge out of the darkness into the light we can breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for being there with us and for everything we have.

5. Sometimes folks can find themselves addicted to people who are not good for them. Kinda like unhealthy foods, drugs or alcohol… it may be a struggle to completely cut the cord from someone who is not healthy but it's doable and so worth it. (Here is a link to a recommended book) Breaking up, getting back together, breaking up again, is a sign of instability, dependency and toxicity. Remember that you deserve a love that is healthy and not abusive in any way shape or form. And the alternative of having no one is way better than being with someone toxic.

6. Reflection. It is so incredibly important when it comes to your breakup, divorce, etc. Yes, your ex may be certifiably crazy, I get it. But there are things we can all reflect on that we could have done differently. Now I look back on dinners during my marriage and wonder why I went to so much effort back then. I cooked meals that were often met with: "Oh, I already ate, I had a late lunch at three, I'm not hungry." Yes, it was incredibly insensitive; there is this little invention called a phone (take note). It wasn't like I was serving spam or something… I was making baked chicken complete with Italian breadcrumbs, green beans, red potatoes and rolls with chocolate cake for dessert. If I had it to do over; I'd have just picked up ready made meals from the local high end marketplace, warmed it and said "Come and get it if you want it!" I would have shopped way less on decorative "stuff" for the house and instead when my cd player went out in the SUV just promptly driven it to the dealership and said "I need this repaired, please. Put it on my husband's credit card, thank you." We can each realize what areas we went above and beyond, what areas we personally lacked in (for me it would have been needing to take action, not waiting for him) and where adjustments (and different reactions) needed to be made. *There is no "different or right reaction" to abuse; it's wrong, period. You didn't cause it to occur. No one can make someone else change their ways; we are each responsible for ourselves.

7. Realize that whatever you think may be in black and white terms. (Yet this can change). As women we may think to ourselves: "All men are slime. All men are no good, lying, sorry cheaters."

(Men may think the same of women). I told God this on more than one occasion during my divorce process. Imagine my surprise how we can then be placed amongst people whom God uses to prove us wrong. I really think He often sits up there listening to us down here spew gibberish in the heat of frustrated hurt and anger and goes: "Oh really? Hmm, okay, we'll see." God may place new male figures in our life that are highly empathetic, caring, safe and genuinely selfless… and yes, they are so very needed and much appreciated. We can thank God for these men and women placed in our lives… whenever we begin going down a path of black and white thinking there is always someone ready to prove us wrong.

8. Cherish this time with your children if you have them in your life and they haven't been alienated from you by your ex. Pray for their continued healing and well being. Have the tough conversations and encourage openness. This is a time to connect and develop an even deeper bond than before. Time will pass as we all know much too quickly and we don't want to look back realizing not only was our children's childhood affected by their parents splitting but forever further affected by an absent parent who wouldn't/didn't spend time with them.

9. Remember the good in your relationship (if there was any) and realize that it's perfectly okay to enjoy looking back on the good memories… that they aren't a betrayer to how nasty the relationship was at times or perhaps ended. It's fine to admit that you really enjoyed that vacation to San Diego together, that he (or she) was good about making sure your vehicle's oil was changed, or that she was a good cook and maybe you miss that.

10. It's so important in going through the aftermath of a breakup to feel all of the emotions involved and to realize that just like the process of moving on after a death it's not linear… there will be ups and downs. It won't be overnight, it won't be a clean and precise upward climb but the good news is you don't have to rush it, your time line is specific to you. And the best part is once you have made it to the top of that mountain you will smile with uninhibited JOY… no amount of people from your marital past can tear you down. You have been in the pit. God was with you the whole way out… like a butterfly you've escaped the dark confines of the cocoon and now fly on the wings of freedom and renewal. You are firmly planted in your story of triumph and your journey is not over... God has given you the grace, power and strength despite all the pain and doubts to proclaim without hesitation: "I give praise and glory to God!"