Leaving An Abusive Partner: 30 Tips For An Exit Plan

“Unhappy Young Woman” by David Castillo Dominici 

via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

October 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

*****************

I checked my iPhone upon hearing the ping and saw it was yet another text from the guy I was dating. He was letting me know that he had purchased tickets to see Puscifer at the Majestic in Dallas in November and wanted me to join him. I wasn't familiar with the band but he shared with me it's connection to Tool which I was vaguely familiar with. 

Him sending me the lyrics to his favorite song I read them with pause… 

I am just a worthless liar.

I am just an imbecile.

I will only complicate you.

Trust in me and fall as well.

I will find a center in you.

I will chew it up and leave,

I will work to elevate you

Just enough to bring you down.

- Tool 

Was this not what was to come? 

Was this not precisely how a sociopath worked? 

To elevate you just enough to bring you down? 

Was this the past about to happen yet again?

Was this not the opposite of love? 

Was this the self-hatred of a personality disordered individual 

used in fueling their agenda to destroy? 

Those lyrics summed up so

 much in such a small space. 

Eight simple yet intricate lines that wrought

 growingly complicated pain. 

Yes, in the end it proved to be true and certainly 

what came in my last relationship and my marriage. 

***************

A narcissistic sociopath is capable of many things… lying, cheating, abuse, stalking… and yes, even in some extremes, the most dangerous on the spectrum of disorder; a psychopath who is capable of murder… think Ted Bundy. Sociopaths and psychopaths both disregard the law, morals, the needs of others, guilt and remorse… charm, manipulation and entitlement run rampant with these toxic personality disordered individuals. 

“Let’s say I committed this crime, even if I did, it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?"

-  O.J. Simpson

Abuse and murder is not love. 

An abuser believes he (or she) is not complete without the other person, that they cannot survive without them.  "If I can't have you no one will have you." They adhere to jealousy and control; believing that being a man means having total and complete control and compliance from their partner. An abuser thinks rigidly and is not able to see other's points of view; they are right and unable to see gray areas; compromising and discussion is not done.

When a psychopath takes someone's life they may try to plead insanity. But we know that this couldn't be further from the truth. To be considered legally insane one must not know the crime or murder they are committing is illegal. Psychopaths however KNOW they are committing an act that is illegal. The fact of the matter is: they don't care. They lack remorse. They lack guilt. They lack shame. This is willful blatant sin. 

This post is for those who need an exit plan to leave an toxic partner. Women are typically not as physically strong as men… when we watch the news each night we see countless women who are being murdered merely because their spouse or soon to be ex-spouse decided they would inflict further control and prevent them from leaving…. thus killing them. The fact is… women are at their highest risks of being murdered during two times in their life:

1) being pregnant 

2) leaving an abusive relationship

More than 90 percent of women murdered by men are killed by someone they know. source

The fact that women are being robbed of a new chapter, a chance of real happiness, health and peace… that they are prevented from regaining their freedom from a toxic relationship and even losing their ability to raise their children should outrage not just women but men as well. These women are someone's daughter, sister, niece, etc. These women are valuable, precious people that deserve to live a life free of ugly words, emotional manipulation and physical abuse.

Yet there are men who are abused by their partners as well… often these men continue to "take" the abuse because they would never dream of hitting a female back (even in self defense)… so they stay, hoping for change or escape. Often people say domestic violence could never happen to men. But that's not true.  

No one deserves to live a life like that; 
male or female. 

Specifically, statistics show that the vast majority of murders of women are by men they intimately know. Regardless, this post of tips can be applied to men as well wanting to escape an abusive marriage or relationship.


30 Tips For An Exit Plan:

1. Document, document, document; it can't be stated enough. Journals, (with dates) texts, (screenshots printed) emails, recordings, photos, etc. Stash them in a safe deposit box (choose a bank you don't normally use) a trusted family member or friend has access to.
2. Have a safe place to go; a friends home, family members, local women's shelter, etc.
3. Always be ready; keep your vehicle fueled, backed in or pulled into the parking space ahead, keep an extra set of car keys somewhere safe; with a trusted person or the safe deposit box. Staying in your home isn't wise, it's best to find a new location; if you choose to stay in your home at minimum change the locks and install cameras. Get a security system. Use it diligently.
4. Have cash set aside and in a safe place. Don't use bank accounts; they can be traced.
5. Always have a hard copy of trusted people's phone numbers and addresses.
6. Utilize the lock on your cell phone.
7. Have a bag of clothes; hoodie, cap, scarf and essentials; toothbrush/paste, feminine products, medicine, etc hidden in your vehicle or stashed with a trusted friend/family.
8. Keep all important documents for you and your children; papers like a passport, marriage license, medical records, taxes, car title, birth certificates, bank account information, social security cards, etc in a safe deposit box.
9. Take all precious photos and things of sentimental value; scrapbooks, albums, special things your children made.
10. Place your wedding ring, other valuable jewelry and your laptop in a safe deposit box; you may need to sell the jewelry later for money.
11. Family computer; erase all history on it. Create a false trail for your abuser... do a search for a hotel in the opposite direction you'll be staying.
12. Buy mace; carry it on you.
13. Take a self defense class/ training course and get your CHL; buy a gun if you feel you need one but keep in mind the risk of your abuser getting it from you.
14. Get a protective order; keep a copy on you and an extra in the safe deposit box.
15. If you believe your spouse or ex could potentially kill you; write a statement that if you are found dead for investigators to look at your spouse/ex as a prime suspect. Keep this in a safe deposit box.
16. Have a new will drawn up.
17. Have your vehicle checked for a GPS tracking system; have it ripped it out and keep it/photograph it for evidence. Download an app called TimeStamp to take all photos with the date and time on them for documenting everything you need to document.
18. Don't share your new location with anyone you can't fully trust.
19. Dump your cell phone and buy a new one.
20. Change up your typical routes and remove any easily identifying stickers on your vehicle.
21. Get a P.O. Box.
22. Make it clear to the school administration who can and cannot pick up your children.
23. Always ensure no one is following you. Stay public; do child exchanges if you must at McDonald's or the police station where cameras are present; never at your home.
24. Use a new pharmacy and dry cleaners. Change grocery stores.
25. Utilize the "block" feature on your cell phone; always hide your caller ID. Block the contacts you don't want contacting you; your spouse/ex, his or her friends and family etc.
26. Inform where you work of your situation. Park up front where your vehicle is visible to anyone tampering with it.
27. At your new location; have camera's installed. Lorex makes a good camera (you can purchase it at Best Buy) that enables you to screenshot any suspicious activity recorded. Again, get a security system.
28. Have a doorbell installed that includes video/recording; SkyBell (Target sells one as well).
29. Have your doors reinforced; wood doors can be kicked in; get steel doors with large slide locks.
30. Have photos of your spouse/ex and their vehicle/license plates and drivers license if needed for police.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

To help bring awareness and change to domestic violence click here

To My Readers:
Thank you for reading,
commenting and sharing!

Cheating: 50 Shades Of Lies ~ 5 Reasons To Not Keep Him

Domestic Violence: When It Happens In Your Family

When He Says: "You Complete Me"

Narcissistic Sociopath's Hate Women: 4 Ways They Show It

“Couple Making Love In Bed” by imagery majestic via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Narcissists, sociopaths… they all hate women. But how is their hatred shown? How does it show up in their relationships? Much of their disdain for women is obviously intertwined with sex and how they relate (or not) to the female species.

Some narcissistic sociopaths are skilled lovers no doubt… they know exactly what to say and do. They smile with satisfaction because they know they are skilled and can read you like a book… like mind readers they whisper in your ear:

"I know you want to be ravished by the light of a thousand stars under the night sky. I know you want me to make you scream my name while you grasp the sheet with white knuckles… I know what turns you on, what would send you writhing in my arms gasping, moaning for more… I'm going to relish you like no one else ever has with my eyes, my hands and my tongue. You will beg me for more after I rock you like the thundering waves at sea."

He knows.

He can deliver.

But he's doing the same thing

for "what's-her-name" as well.

He's giving in the bedroom yet

it means nothing to him.

You're just another object to him.

Another conquest. 

Another source of supply secured

to massage his fragile ego. 

Another woman whom he has tricked.

Yet there is also the narcissistic sociopath who withholds what you want sexually, what you desire, what you need. He is all about himself and his own lust and desire… these narcissistic types are using you much like an inflatable doll, as a prop if you will, to masturbate upon and self satisfy. He (or she) isn't going to go to any efforts to ensure you are receiving pleasure as well… instead it will be a scenario like the one below…

"Turn here, flip over, no, no, THIS way!… "


If there weren't so many directions being commanded every second you might be able to (yawn) construct a grocery list, finally decide if you need standard length or extended for the curtains you want to buy… and even put together a mental bucket list of things you want to do before you die… or maybe you CAN do all that while he shoots off directions like an inept Siri… look at you, a multitasking ninja. 

The first scenario would be fine if it was coupled with true love, a real care for their partner, a steadfast unwavering loyalty for them… and a reciprocated desire by their spouse. But unfortunately for a narcissistic sociopath true love, real care and loyalty doesn't exist… he's (or she's) not capable. He is gaining supply by ravishing you… then he quickly moves on to the next source of supply.

The second scenario is merely you, a warm body being used to play out (him directing like in a film) all of the sexual fantasies he has (and ways he wishes to be pleased) but in which he never (or rarely unless pressed/criticized/demanded) reciprocates. He's a control freak and not capable of the natural give and take that healthy loving relationships have. Instead he (or she) is all about ME, ME, ME!

FACT: 

ALL NARCISSISTS HATE WOMEN

THEY LOATHE THEM.
THEY OBJECTIFY THEM.
THEY WISH TO CONTROL THEM.
THEY SEE THEM AS PROPERTY.
THEY SEE THEM AS INFERIOR.
THEY SEE THEM WITH CONTEMPT.
THEY SEE THEM AS GOLD-DIGGERS.
THEY SEE THEM AS LEECHES.
THEY SEE THEM AS DEMANDING.

HOW A WOMAN MUST BE TO BE WITH A NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH: 
1. Perfectly fine with being his unequal (yet he may say he treats you as an equal partner).
2. Never critical and always positive about him. (being critical is the kiss of death).
3. Be perfectly fine with being treated as a sex object and not a real person with feelings.
4. Happy to help him in any way he needs; to take on the unspoken role of assistant versus wife.

As you can imagine living this way would be a drain for anyone… it is a life of constantly walking on eggshells and exhaustion.

As briefly touched on above but delved into further below we can see the hatred a narcissist or sociopath has for his (or her) partner shows up in 4 common ways…

First, any and all decisions will be made by the narcissistic sociopath… there are no "joint decisions". You can voice what you want and he may listen under the guise of "we are equal partners" but at the end of the day he makes all decisions. In fact, his mind is already made up… your input is a waste of breath. In a truly loving (and Christian) marriage we often talk about the husband leading the family. He should be leading his family in ways that point them all to Christ... but a narcissistic sociopath controls with an iron clad grip that leads everyone down a path of sin, grief and dismay.

Secondly, anything he (or she) perceives as criticism will be seen as an attack and will bring about defensiveness. Or he may listen and make calculated mental notes (more sociopathic-like) … listening to you rail on and on and thinking to himself… "Oh, yeah? You just keep talking… keep it up… I'll show you… you don't like it… guess what? I'm gonna do exactly what I want and you telling me x,y,z just makes me want to do it my way more. Keep talking… I'm filing this away, I'll remember this conversation and you will pay for this later (punishment) in some way, shape or form...Ha!" In a truly loving marriage there is not a fear that if you share something (calmly and with tactful love) that your concerns will be dismissed and you will be treated less than. But a narcissistic sociopath holds zero respect for women... it's shown through his inability to take in any feedback whatsoever.

Third, you are subjected to being treated as nothing but a sex toy… someone he wants to defile like an animal, that he keeps off-balance by suggesting acts that do nothing but repulse… at best suggesting an open marriage and even going so far as to make you believe he is highly sought after by the opposite sex… the "casual" comments he drops to you: "My last flight for work the flight attendant couldn't keep her hands off me… she sat in my lap. She told me I could have her right there on the plane." He tells you with a smug smile. You stand there staring at him bewildered(!) wondering first if he's telling the truth, secondly why he would allow that to happen and most of all why he seems to take such joy in seeing you squirm as he shares it. A truly loving marriage makes Christ it's center and brings husband and wife together to share their physical desire and affections for one another... mutually and exclusively. There shouldn't be any open marriage, no threesomes and a husband should be protective of his wife... anything that diminishes or takes away her dignity should be something he'd never dream of doing.

Fourth, you begin to feel like his personal assistant instead of a wife because it's always something… it's his dry cleaning, it's he needs something homemade brought to his office, it's "I need you to come by and meet Mr. So and So that's flying in this week", it's doing all the "grunt work" as he sees it related to the house and children because he does the big deal; the paying job and he doesn't have time for the work of the lowest people on the totem pole like you. A wife may serve her husband and be his helper as a way of showing her love for him but when it's to an extreme and demanded by him, when it's an unspoken rule that has consequences if she doesn't... if she's taken on more of a "business role" in his life rather than solely being his feminine companion through friendship, support, homemaker, mother to their children and his physical lover then her role beside him has changed... he's added more to her plate... a plate not worthy of his time because he deems it beneath him. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016

God never viewed women as second-class citizens and His word clearly states that we are all equally His children. That we are all of equal value and worth. A man is not above a woman but his equal. Many men today have become confused or blind to what being a husband means… treating their wives with neglect and or abuse; emotionally, verbally and physically. God never intended marriage to be this way. Husbands, you have a position of RESPONSIBILITY as the leader in the home; you should be leading your family toward God not away. As Galatians 3:28 tells us, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28)

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!

RELATED POSTS:

Sex And The Narcissistic Male

The Narc, Sexual Addiction & Their Kids: 5 Tips

Marriage, Love Languages And God

Are You Choosing? Or Being Chosen? 4 Toxic Types To Avoid

“Romantic Young Couple Hug” by photo stock 

via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

names have been omitted 

or changed in this post 

January 2016

********************

I sat on the brown leather couch across from my therapist wearing black leggings and an oversized lightweight shrug over a long tank top. To my right the mini blinds were open to reveal a sunny January day with temps in the sixties. Evergreen trees outside framed the window on the third floor and sunshine streamed in the cozy room. We greeted one another and I comfortably adjusted the pillows behind my back. She settled in her chair and smiled at me…

"So, how have you been? How is the online dating going?" She asked me.

I smiled "I'm good. The dating… it's been interesting." I told her with a grin.

She nodded and prompted "Tell me…"

"Well… first there was Stephen. I really liked him and thought we'd meet. The conversation was amazing." I told her. "We really clicked… it was back and forth, like a ping pong game, quick, witty and fun."

"So what happened?" She asked.

"I found out he had a sixteen month old daughter." I told her.

"Is that an issue?" She asked, peering at me.

"I think so… I mean, I have a kid who has nine to ten years on her. Were at extremes. I don't really want to sign up for a sixteen month old." I admitted.

"I'm not so sure I'd call that a deal breaker…"She trailed off.

"He hasn't been divorced very long. Less than six months." I told her.

"Now that's a deal breaker." She affirmed. "That concerns me."

I nodded "Me too… then there was David… all he wanted was sex." I smirked. "I eliminated him quick. So, I'm still looking." I told her.

She spoke, "I really think this is good for you though. It's allowing you to figure out exactly what you want and also how to be more assertive. I want to keep working with you on this. I want you to continue setting boundaries and I have to say… I am VERY proud of you in how you stood up to the guy in your last relationship… telling him that you have the right to choose to not sign up for someone with bi-polar is setting a boundary. And I know that was very hard for you to do."

I nodded "Yeah." I stated. "And yet I feel like the horrible person. Like I'm mean because I told him I'm not signing up for that. I feel bad and yet I DON'T want to sign up for that. I would have a breakdown no doubt! I exclaimed.

"Exactly…" She nodded. "And I know you feel bad… but it's so good that you are choosing what YOU want not allowing the guy to dictate what you get!"

********************

Are you doing the choosing?

Or are you allowing yourself to be chosen? 

When were dating we can either choose to take charge of our dating life or choose to be a passive passenger in it. Are we in the drivers seat or are we allowing the opposite sex to make the decisions?

Who is in the drivers seat in your life?

Are we allowing ourselves to be chosen?
If so, we may ask what is the reason behind it?

It may go back to our history. 

Namely, our father.

As women, when we have fathers who aren't there for us, we tend to yearn (possibly to self-detriment) for what we didn't get. It's completely understandable. We yearn for that emotional nurturing, masculine attention and physical stability that we never received. So then we choose partners who are cut from the same cloth as our fathers and find ourselves in relationships with men who are just as toxic, stunted and unavailable. Inevitably our choices send us right down the same path over and over again until we become cognizant of the type of men we are choosing... and with that awareness then making the necessary changes. 

Are we choosing men (or if you're a man choosing a woman) that expect so much yet give us very little to nothing in return? Are we still on some level seeking the love we never received from our emotionally elusive parent? Oftentimes the sad but realistic answer is yes. 

Are we choosing partners that make us feel old? More like a parent figure versus an equal? 

Are we choosing a man or woman who tries to mold us into someone were not? Or do we hide who we are and become who we believe they want us to be? 

There are so many toxic types to avoid when it comes to dating and marriage.

Here are four....

1. The Narcissist: 

We may be choosing partners that are narcissistic to the core... classic cases of selfishness that want us to sacrifice all we are for them and the good of the relationship. These folks will expect you to give and give, for you to never expect anything of them, to always apologize even if it's not your fault, to never be sick, feel anxious, angry or sad because that is a time suck on their part and they can't be bothered. And please don't age, because that really screws with their image of perfection they so desperately want to show others. It's a twenty four hour job being with a narcissist and the benefits are nil. The end result is always the same… you being completely emotionally maxed out, physically less healthy and either being discarded for someone new (can we say fresh supply?!) or having to leave on your own accord.

2. Arrested Development:

Or maybe you're attracted to the person who appears at first young, fun and spontaneous. Someone who doesn't take life too seriously. The problem is... it's after dating them awhile that you realize they take nothing in life seriously... because they are stunted when it comes to being a grown up. They don't invest, they find a credit score unimportant, they don't save, they merely want to watch movies and they have zero interest in personal growth… don't even go there regarding counseling because they are still sixteen and perfectly content at remaining there. When you find yourself standing in the midst of Spencer's at the local mall because the thirty five year old man(!) you're dating wants to look at t-shirts and coffee mugs there may be a problem. A man (or woman) who shows arrested development may initially be a draw in the name of fun and then become a huge turn off. They look innocent enough... suit and tie, coffee and briefcase Monday through Friday from eight am to five o'clock. But the truth is... they fail to grow into adults. They fail in relationships because they become "another kid" someone has to look after.


3. The Convincer/Manipulator: 

The manipulator is someone who doesn't believe in a mutual coming together when dating… instead of pursuing you in the romantic sense they are about convincing you to be with them. This is a person whose ego is driving the relationship… and typically not for the long haul. Because the non-manipulator soon realizes their values, morals, goals, etc do not align with their romantic interest and instead may be polar opposite. This is when the heat and pressure is turned up for the person to stay with the manipulator. Pick me! Pick me! He or she may try to convince you to stay when you know deep down no matter how much chemistry you have, how much humor is shared, no matter how badly you want it to work… at the end of the day the facts don't lie… you're wrong for each other… he's an atheist, you're a Christian, he lacks empathy and you care, you're a sentimental guy and she rebuffs any sweet gesture you attempt in gift giving. No matter how hard you try it simply won't work… it's best to cut the cord and free yourself for someone who is a good match and woos without a plan to manipulate.


4. Please Change So I Can Love You:

Last, are you finding that you can't be yourself? If you are in a relationship where you are not being genuine it's time to re-assess. Only you know if it's you or them… or both. Maybe a lack of esteem or the person you're with is making you doubt yourself as being lovable. If you're constantly softening your points of view or changing your look, wardrobe, hair, etc because there is some unspoken deep down fear you are not enough… that you can't be loved for who you truly are… that's a sign there is personal work to be done. Perhaps any dating relationship needs to be put on hold until you're in a better place… confident in who you are and not wanting to adapt to what other's want you to be. Or perhaps the person you're with isn't healthy for you and expects you to be someone else. You like your hair short, he likes it long. He likes skirts and you wear pants. Are you staying true to you or changing? Staying together could mean an awful outcome, someone falling in love with who you're not… that's a recipe for disaster for both individuals. If you find yourself dependent upon this person and needing them just to function… if depression is hovering at your door that may be a sign that it's time to get in a healthier place… relationships thrive when both people come together because they want to be together not out of a dependent need.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

RELATED POSTS: 

When He Tries To Change You! And 5 Tips To Not Change Him

Cheating: 50 Shades Of Lies ~ 5 Reasons To Not Keep Him

Dating A Sociopath: 5 Warning Signs To Cut The Cord

Readers: 

Thank you for reading, commenting 

and sharing! 

Dating A Narcissist: 3 More Red Flags

“Close Up Of A Man Using Mobile Phone” by stock images via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

names have been omitted in this post 

December 2015 

********************

I sat across from my therapist in skinny jeans and a black hoodie discussing the patterns I had begun noticing during the short course of my recent relationship. I explained how the small signs eventually grew to such large red flags I was no longer able to minimize or ignore them.

"It was unreal… the amount of text messages he was sending… page after page of rambling texts about his love, sentiment and passion for me… along with a constant update of his day no matter how minute.  I'd send a quick reply, or not respond because I couldn't or didn't see a need to… and yet an hour or so later there would be another string of texts." I paused and then continued "The odd thing was even after I initially mentioned how he was texting so much he didn't let up. He even went so far as to say that he didn't need me to respond, that he was fine with just sending me his thoughts…" I trailed off, thinking how very narcissistic of him.

She sat across from me and shook her head "I'm wondering how on earth he worked and accomplished anything during the day… if he's sending you this many texts. These aren't really texts… this is more like journaling." She pointed out.

I nodded and agreed "I had thought the same thing. And if a guy is texting you that much you have to wonder how much quality time he's spending with his child… it makes you question him as a father. I even pointed that out to him. He came back with excuses. Everything became a red flag as the relationship progressed. He began pushing to want to move in with me. I told him that I wasn't living with a man unless we were married and we needed to take things slow. He said it made more financial sense to live together. Ha! Toward the end I began seeing signs that his "walk with God" didn't match what was biblically correct. That was yet another sign."

She concurred and spoke "I definitely see red flags."

We chatted a little more and finally she smiled at me with a sigh of relief "But you know now…  you saw the signs and heeded them. And I will tell you that in the first three months of dating someone is when we decide what are the deal breakers… and when we typically see any red flags. So what are you wanting to do now?" She asked.

"My mother says I'm too closed off, that I'm not receptive to men." I told her.

She nodded "Well, you do have to be open. You can meet someone anywhere… at the museum, a sporting event, even the grocery store. But you have to make eye contact, smile and speak."

"Yeah…"I trailed off.

She peered at me "What age man are you thinking you'd be interested in?"

"I'm not into zip lining, scuba diving, Six Flags, all that. I think it makes it really hard when you're not. My age group from what I've gathered on the dating sites seem to gravitate toward that stuff. I would enjoy a date seeing a show and having dinner, maybe a play or a movie…get dessert, go to the museum… I'm thinking a little older might be a better match." I told her.

She nodded "I would agree… although generally speaking not all thirty five year old men are immature. There are exceptions."

I spoke "I'm thinking the oldest around forty nine, fifty" I told her. "I just turned thirty nine."

She concurred "I wouldn't go any older than that… I'd try to stay around forty five. I've had many couples meet on the dating sites match and eharmony." She informed me "Have you considered those?"

"Yes" I nodded "The online dating thing kinda scares me."

She grinned "That's what I'm here for. You print off their profile and bring it to me. I'll take a look."

I smiled and nodded, thanking her.


At the beginning of a new relationship we may be so giddy and high from the chemical feelings that accompany new love that we aren't thinking clearly. But it's so important that we stay grounded and watch for signs that we are with someone that isn't truly capable of loving us… but more like putting us through grief and heartbreak. In my recent relationship there were so many red flags… here are three more I observed…


1. During my parents marriage everything revolved around what my father wanted to do. He chose the trips, the meals, the homes purchased, the repairs done, the furniture bought, the vehicles driven, etc. My mother had zero voice in nearly forty years of marriage… if she tried to speak up and assert what she wanted, fits, pouting and passive aggressive behavior on his part like driving erratically in the car to intimidate her would ensue. I soon began to notice similar behaviors with the man I dated… he always pushed for the restaurant he wanted to eat at… he whined I had taken a trip and he would have liked to have gone… it was 99.9% of the time about what he wanted to do. A man who behaves like a man knows it's not all about him… that it takes two people to be considered a couple, to be in a relationship… and remembers that his partner should have a voice and decision making in what she wants as well.


2. My twelve year marriage was devoid of passion and chemistry. Many people who have been with narcissists and sociopaths have stated that the sex was passion filled. Perhaps some narcissists and sociopaths are skilled in the bedroom… my marriage was not one that fit that description. Our sex life was more comparable to my painful "going through the motions with crossed arms" and a "let's get this over with" type scenario. When you live like that for so long it can't be helped but to feel incredibly jipped… when one partner is more focused on their quick release(!) than actually taking the time for both people to enjoy the moment mutually. So imagine my surprise when one kiss with the man I dated made me want more… chemistry so electrifying that I was somewhat blushingly caught off guard at how he made me feel with the cup of my face and his lips on mine. He began to talk about all the things he wanted to do after we married; him voicing his burning desire to please me sexually one day as a husband. His future intentions murmured in my ear amidst forehead kisses soon became a red flag. The issue was his soon all-consuming focus on it that set off my radar and made me begin to cringe... our future sex life appeared to be his main focus, not just one of the many important elements that make up a relationship. Soon it wasn't really all about the idea of pleasing me one day but instead puffing how brilliant his skills were. As I began to hear more and more I considered giving him a gold sticker for patting himself on the back… but then came to the conclusion he'd already started his own sticker collection.


3. Empaths are guilty of being people pleasers, givers, ready to help to a fault and over extending themselves. They often find it difficult to set boundaries with people… especially those of a narcissistic nature as narc's are typically always takers and users. As my relationship progressed I began feeling used, noticing he always needed a favor… he needed to store some things at my place, he needed to do some laundry at my place, he needed me to drive, etc. It was always something it seemed. And yet when the night came that I needed some assurance he was there for me… he was unwilling and going to sleep. (You can read that post here) The stark difference in our behaviors shone brightly and I cringed at each incident… silently tallying, chalking up yet more points against him… him blindly losing me more and more each day until I could no longer remain silent, confronted him and abruptly broke it off.


When it comes to dipping our feet back in the dating pool we can try to look at it from a positive viewpoint… yes, we will have bad days and wonder if we will ever meet someone healthy. But those of us who have been with narcissists and sociopaths we ourselves are a work in progress getting healthy… we are practicing setting boundaries and healthy expectations not only for ourselves but for the relationship and person we will one day marry. Realizing we are dating another narcissist is not the end of the world… disappointing? Without a doubt, yes. But with each person we are gaining strength and putting our knowledge to the test… we are looking for red flags and becoming better at pinpointing them sooner than before. We are becoming confident and less doubtful of signs we need to heed. And with each relationship we are one step closer to becoming the healthiest version of ourselves… so we can be ready to not just fall in love with someone amazing but most importantly… not lose ourselves doing it.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

RELATED POSTS:

Relationships: Setting Healthy Boundaries & Expectations

When He Tries To Change You! And 5 Tips To Not Change Him

Desperation: Drop It like It's Hot

Dating A Sociopath: 5 Warning Signs To Cut The Cord

“Man Holding A Rose” by phaendin via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

names have been omitted in this post 

November 2015 

this post contains some language 

*****************

I sat curled up on the opposite end of the taupe couch from my mother wearing gray lounge pants, a dark navy pullover, a thick scarf around my neck and hair in a bun atop my head. It was the week of Thanksgiving… my daughter was at her dad's and we were enjoying some down time, specifically some girl time watching marathons of Julia Robert's movies, making hot cocoa and enjoying hot soup. The temps in Texas had dipped to the forties at night and with the northern wind it had brought rain along with it. I listened to the rain coming down outside, the television flashing commercials across the room from me and my mother spoke, picking up from a conversation interrupted by our show earlier.

"I mean… I just don't understand something… how is it that I was married to your father for almost forty years and yet somehow… I don't even know how this is possible…" She admitted ruefully. "But generally speaking, mind you, how can you have a much, much lower opinion of men than I even do?" She asked, looking at me dumbfounded.

Silence.

"I don't know…" I finally replied. "Do I?" I asked her.

She stared at me like I had to be kidding… "What's the first thing you think to yourself when a man looks at you like he's interested?" She asked me. "I mean, honestly."

I didn't miss a beat. "Typically I think shit off." I replied bluntly. 

She stared at me. "You have a problem." She declared. "What are you going to do about it?" She pressed.

I laughed uncomfortably and shifted on the couch, my arms crossed, my body language closed off. "I have a problem?" I echoed. "Really?"

"Yeah. Men smile and talk to me all the time. I just have a conversation with them. And they just smile…" She trailed off catching my expression.

I shrugged in response. I thought back to a conversation I'd had with the guy I'd recently dated. We had been in the car one day and he asked me in an amused tone "So… do you think I'm a sociopath?" I had reflexively gripped the leather steering wheel tighter and glanced over at him. He stared at me with a piercing gaze waiting for a response. "At this point I assume anyone is." I replied cooly. I remembered a Dr. Phil video I'd watched where he'd talked about how we are crazy to ever give people the benefit of the doubt. He said instead we need to gather information about everyone we meet before we hand over our hearts, trust, etc. Everyone is suspect until they've proved their not.

"Yeah. You have a problem." She told me adamantly. "I mean, how do you think you're ever going to meet someone? You don't go anywhere! You work, you run errands, you come home. You meet friends for a meal or fun. That's it. And most of them are married or don't know anyone to introduce you to. When are you going to get out there? When are you going to start putting yourself out there so you can meet someone? Do you think he's just going to show up and knock on your door?" She asked me incredulously.

"That'd be way easier." I replied dryly not finding the conversation enjoyable at all. Wasn't there something I needed to be doing right now? Like re-organizing all the closets or scrubbing bathroom grout with a toothbrush? Something that took an eternity to complete? 

She sighed, her exasperation showing.

"What?" I asked her, my question coming out with an uncomfortable half laugh. I looked over at her. "I don't want to talk about this anymore." I told her wanting to end the conversation.

"You don't want to talk about it anymore because you know I'm right, that's why!" She insisted.

I wrinkled my nose. "No" I replied. "I just don't see why you're bringing this up. What is all this about, anyway?" I asked and got up to retrieve some extra paper napkins from the kitchen nearby.

She sighed "Okay. I just wish you'd be honest and admit you'd rather be comfortable. You'd rather not get out of your comfort zone to meet someone." She told me. Then in the silence she finally asked "What is it that you're so afraid of?" 

I didn't respond. What was this? A therapy session? I swallowed hard and fiddled with the now fraying edge of my white paper napkin. A cup of broccoli cheese soup sat on the coffee table growing cold.

She had hit a nerve and now another one. I sat silent absorbing everything she'd said. Thankfully the show returned to the screen and my time in the hot seat had come to an end.

But I kept thinking on what she said… mulling it over in my mind. Finally, even though I didn't want to admit it, I realized she was right. Mom's or those closet to us like friends are good that way. They will tell us the very painful and not so pretty things we need to hear… truths that maybe we don't want to hear but in reality ring loud and clear. Maybe one contributing factor was being an introvert, I admitted. Perhaps another factor no matter how cliche; I was tired of being disappointed and didn't want to find myself hitched to yet another psycho.

"The human condition is imperfect and when we realize we will endure hurts that affect our outlook in life we can give ourselves compassion and begin to grow beyond where we currently are. 

Diminishing how we feel makes us stuck. 

Accepting how we feel makes us stronger."

- Jennifer Gafford 

At this point I wasn't certain if all men were needy or it was just a glaring sign of the dysfunctional men I'd been with. The man I'd married and then the man I had recently dated had pushed for much more interaction via text and phone than what I'd wanted nor believed to be normal. I wasn't certain what was considered healthy in terms of the amount of interaction one would or should have during a typical day with someone their dating. However, based on what I'd experienced; the constant over the top staying in touch only served to drive me away. It made me believe all men were needy, insecure, what have you and that was enough to make me say just forget it. 

But just when we begin to subscribe to a "Oh, just forget it!" type attitude… someone comes along that changes our mind… that makes us pause… that convicts us, that makes us freeze… they are saying all the things that touch our heart because they make our eyes wet in response. So I'm going to share with you what I was told today: 

"I want you to know it gets better. It will. Don't give up, don't throw in the towel, don't let your heart become hardened. There is someone out there. You're going to meet someone and it will be great. It's going to be okay." 

In my last (very short) relationship I saw early signs of dysfunction (thank the good Lord) before I cut the cord. Here are five things I observed... 

1. FLATTERY 
If he's texting you incessantly with over the top flattery and gushes of love: "I love you so much and always will", "I wish I'd met you when we were younger, I'd love for you to have my children", "I believe we are soul mates, we were designed for one another", "You're all I think about and I want to be around you all the time", "You're so amazing and I'm the luckiest man on the face of the earth." He's "love-bombing" you. This is a classic tactic of narcissists and sociopaths. They love to show how much they adore you via words but sadly the actions very often do not match up... at least not for the long haul. 

2. INSECURITY
He shows his insecurity by saying things like: "I don't deserve someone like you", "I never thought I could get someone so beautiful, talented, kind as you". What he's not telling you is this: Deep down I really hate and resent you for it too... because you're such a reminder of my inadequacies. The flip side of a man saying: "I never thought I could get someone like you" is after they say it enough you begin to wonder: So WHY am I with you?? Because even YOU think I could do better! So I guess I should. The truth is... insecurity is never attractive. Cockiness isn't either. Finding someone who has a healthy amount of confidence is key. 

3. CONTROL 
You go to his house and you're wearing the watch you picked out and bought when you were married...  and the necklace your ex bought you (the necklace you still love). He looks at what you're wearing and says "And... you wore that here." He promptly buys you a new watch. Excuse me? I can wear whatever I choose. His behavior shows control and insecurity. 

4. PRESSURE
He begins pressuring you about a ring and getting married. He's looking at rings and talking about having something custom made when you've asked him several times to put the brakes on because he's moving too fast. And yet... he ignores your request and continues. 

5. DISRESPECT
He's disrespectful of your time and selfish. You tell him you're going to be busy that evening because you have plans. And yet he texts you incessantly the entire evening wanting to engage in a all night text-a-thon. He doesn't respect your boundaries and puts his needs ahead of your much needed time with others.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

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Fasting and praying for a mate involves not only commitment to God, but also confidence in God. Abraham was telling his servant that the Lord who promised his descendants would inherit the land would also provide the descendants. Our second principle then introduces faith in divine guidance. This faith was not some nebulous faith, but an expressed faith. It was a faith that inspires us to follow.

We can expect God to intervene in our situations because He will honor our commitment and give us contentment while we are waiting. Abraham’s servant got up and got going. Faith is not passive. It steps out on the promises of God.   Read more via… Tony Evans

To My Readers: Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing! 

RELATED POSTS: 

Dating After Divorce: 5 Questions To Ask Yourself

Desperation: Drop It like It's Hot

Relationships: Setting Healthy Boundaries & Expectations

The Narcissistic Sociopath: When You Unknowingly Enter The Discard Phase

“Love Triangle” by marin via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

names have been omitted in this post

Spring 2011

************

"I'm NOT going!" I yelled at him as I tossed makeup and personal items like hairspray and deodorant into my vanity drawer in the bathroom… slamming the drawer shut with a loud bang.

"Oh, yes you ARE!" My husband retorted back at me angrily as he proceeded to smooth Rogaine on his receding hairline in front of the bathroom mirror.

"And WHY is that?!" I exclaimed in likewise anger… then added "I see no reason for me to go to your stupid twentieth high school reunion. You know I hate stuff like that! It's just a bunch of people standing around comparing notes on how everyone's done in life. It's all superficial." I told him.

"You're going because you're my WIFE! That's why! I'M going… so YOU'RE going!" He yelled back in mounting frustration like I was a petulant three year old child that wouldn't just shut up and behave. He took extra care to comb his hair in place that was still damp from his shower and then proceeded to brush his teeth… like some kind of animal he brushed… the tooth brush bristles were frayed like a dog had chewed on them… it reminded me of my dad's toothbrush when I was little.

"That's just the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard! Just because you decide to go doesn't mean I need to! Just because were married doesn't mean we have to be hitched at the hip! You always expect me to tag along to this crap… business dinners, company parties… and I'm freaking SICK OF IT! Grow up! Grow some balls! Go by yourself!" I yelled at him completely over what I perceived to be his extreme neediness and control. "You know… you got off the hook completely… I haven't taken you to a single reunion. I went and picked up my diploma from the school and was done with it! How nice for YOU!!!" I added with a tone of nasty sarcasm.

"Jennifer! JENNIFER!!!" He chastised me. "What part of this do you NOT understand???!!! YOU ARE GOING!!! PERIOD!!! IT'S NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION!!!"

With that… he walked off. Like he always did. Conversation over.

**************

The night finally arrived… the night of his much dreaded twentieth high school reunion. It was going to be held in a room at the convention center downtown… lame name badges and whispered glances ensued as we walked in. I had spent an inordinate amount of time getting ready… hair flat ironed, little black dress, glowing tanner from a bottle, makeup and nails… and painful heels… all of it I'd done to "make him happy" and shut him up when I would have preferred to be at home in my pajamas, hair in a bun and eating a box of cookies in front of the tv or reading a book. But instead I was on his arm internally rolling my eyes at the scene before me. A few people mingled around with their drinks but it seemed for the most part the majority stayed in selective huddles. As I scanned the room, inside I fumed and resentment grew that I was there. Marriage sucked alright, I thought to myself. At least it did with him, I thought, giving him a side glance of contempt.


We slowly made our way across the room past various groups toward the opposite side where a long white clothed table of catered food was spread out and a bartender stood ready to serve drinks. I noticed that with the exception of his best friend and two women no one initiated conversation with him. It was becoming more and more obvious that we were on our own. Awkward didn't even begin to touch how it felt. I began to wonder what the deal was when the photographer hired began to encourage everyone to move to the staircase and choose a spot for a group photograph. I stood over to the side by the long stretch of windows that looked out at the downtown bustle… couples walked by dressed up to go to dinner and maybe see a show… couples who were having a good time and heads were bent toward one another in closeness and intimate conversation, occasional laughter and genuine smiles. With a drink in my hand I turned back to the room and observed as the class reunion took their places on the staircase and smiled for photo after photo to be taken. A few minutes later the crowd was breaking up from their photo session and it was then I felt someone beside me. A man to my left. I turned slightly to glance over at him.

"What a night, huh?" He smiled easily at me holding a beer, his eyes twinkling at the nostalgia of it all.

"Yeah… " I replied "Is this your class?" I asked him not sure if he was one of the graduates or was a spouse of one.

He smiled and nodded "Yeah… it's been a pretty great night getting to catch up with everyone. Crazy. I can't believe it's been twenty years, you know?"

I nodded "I'm sure… "

"So… who are you here with? Who is your husband?" He asked me with curiosity.

I looked at him and told him my husband's name.

It was then that his face dropped. No smile. No niceties. No anything. His expression turned from laid-back and friendly to immediately tense. He stared at me as if he wanted to say something. But instead he brushed past me and walked away. Just like that he was gone without a word or explanation. I stood there trying to collect my thoughts in bewilderment. I didn't understand what on earth had just happened. One minute everything was fine and the next… not so much. I took a sip from the small clear plastic cup I held in my hand… and tried to process what had just happened. Clearly there was some reason he had acted that way… there was some reason why my husband's name made him walk off without a word. Little did I know then that the rest of the evening would prove to be disastrous… people weren't interacting with us… and I began to voice that I was ready to leave. "In a minute" I was told despite his attempts at letting people know all about his work, where he lived and what he drove. I was becoming increasingly frustrated and alarmed that obviously there was some valid reason why at least ninety percent of these people were not making an effort to reminisce about high school with him or even what they had been up to the past twenty years.


Eventually we departed… after much of my tugging on his arm to "come on, were leaving(!)" out of embarrassment for him. I hadn't wanted to come yet at the same time I was so completely unprepared for how the evening had played out… and it left me with more questions than answers. Why did it feel like I had entered the twilight zone when I'd stepped into that room that night? I asked him... "Is there something you haven't told me?" and "Why do none of these people seem to want to interact with you?" and "Did you do something to make these people so blatantly dislike you?"


Avoidance ensued. Silence. Glancing at his profile as we walked along the now emptying sidewalks of downtown in the windy night I detected growing irritation from him mixed with a set jaw and an ego that had been knocked to the ground if not lower. Something changed that night. I felt it then but didn't really understand it fully until much much later… over a year and a few months later into my divorce. Hindsight is a funny thing. Later that night enduring a horse and carriage ride along the quaint downtown streets with him and his best friend and his girlfriend we all sat in near silence. Internally I  questioned how on earth I was with this person. It was like he had been outed for the jerk he was… I was just late to get the memo… over ten years late but it was received that night. And he knew it. That night looking back… I see so clearly now I unknowingly entered the discard stage by him. Slowly but painfully I was being viewed by him as the problem… I wasn't as young as I once was… I wasn't as this or that… I wasn't as willing to just say "okay" anymore and acquiesce to him and whatever he wanted to do. I had become more and more vocal and he didn't like it. That night he knew I no longer saw him as I once had… any remaining view of him in a positive light at that point was extinguished like a smutty cigarette. I saw him fully for who he was. And it wasn't pretty.


Discard: 

When the narcissistic sociopath has realized the relationship he's had with you has come to an end. He (or she) has used up every bit of good in you… they've taken your self-worth, your happiness, your peace, your confidence, your personal boundaries, your dignity, maybe even your support system…

Even if you are the one who leaves first either by walking away or filing for divorce, you are still suffering from the emotional fallout of a toxic relationship as you now realize with painful clarity that it was all fake, a fraud, his (or her) love was not real… it was merely a show to gain narcissistic supply to feed their infantile and sick ego.

The best news is eventually you can get to a healthier place… leaving is the first step. As time goes on and with therapy, self care and lots of support from friends and family… you can live the great life you imagined… experiencing real love, a life without tension, anxiety and eggshells… and feel physically better too. A narcissistic sociopath may discard you for what they believe to be a better choice but with that comes something even greater for you… your freedom.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015