Monday, March 23, 2015

Is Your EX-Narc Happy Now?

“Young Woman Drinking Coffee At Mountain View” 
by Feelart via

Is your EX-Narcissist happy now?

Is he or she now blissfully delirious in their new relationship?

It may certainly seem that way.

But the cold hard truth is… no.

Oh, yes, it might appear that way from the outside looking in that he (or she) is living a life of cozy Starbucks moments, candlelight dinners, closeness and connection, laughs and thrills in the midst of excess on expensive vacations, shopping excursions and gifts. But if we look a little more closely we can see that happiness is actually far from reality for them.

The narcissist is prone to depression. The reason for their depression is much different than a healthy non-personality disordered individual. We tend to be susceptible to depression within a toxic marriage or in the aftermath of divorce due to trying to figure out what exactly we are/were dealing with in regards to the crazy behavior we've been enduring, possibly even years on end. We may be depressed trying to figure out how we are going to financially support ourselves post divorce if we've been stay at home mothers all or the majority of our marriage… I myself dealt with serious depression in the winter of 2013 trying to figure out how I was going to get on my feet financially. Many targets of narcissistic sociopaths have developed health conditions due to the stress of living with a narcissist or sociopath and now are trying to not only build a new life but manage their health… all of this can understandably be the source of depression however fleeting.

But the narcissist's depression? It's due to a lack of supply… narcissistic supply. When we abruptly leave a narc and inflict injury to their oh so delicate ego it not only angers them that they must now go out into the world and find someone new to latch onto to make themselves feel better, hence the quick need to date (if they haven't chosen to discard you yet) but it also irritates them that they lost a longterm reliable source of supply. They are resentful to the one who left, who "caused all this" in their twisted victimized mind, despite years of less than stellar behavior on their part toward their spouse. Hence, the punishment that soon comes. His (or her) pristine bubble of invincibility has been burst, as they believed no one could touch them, no one could get them, no one could crow "gotcha" by walking off and now the narc feels blindsided by their stark inferiority staring back at them.

The fact is… the new relationship is not any healthier than yours was. It may look wonderful from the outside, but it's all a facade. They are working in overdrive if the relationship is relatively new to keep their crazy under control… they are expending an unreal amount of energy to make everything look amazing on the outside… and attractive to their new supply. They are like a juggler keeping all the balls in the air. She, the new target (or he) will never be enough, she will always be beneath him, not his equal partner. He will feel a need to control her just as he did you. He will buy her and she won't know it until much like you with some time under her belt and a bad case of anxiety and walking on eggshells. No matter how valuable she appears to be to him, she like yourself is as dispensable to him as the next one will be. There will be a string of them from here out no matter how hard he tries to "keep it together"… because boredom will finally call and eventually he will lose interest.


March 2015

names have been omitted in this post

It was a sunny March afternoon… the temps were a bit warmer, thank goodness. My mother and I were headed westward down a main thoroughfare…  passing by businesses and museums, galleries and high end shops. As I drove, my mother suddenly pointed up ahead and exclaimed "Wait a minute… isn't that her?" She asked, referring to the woman my father was in a relationship with now.

I squinted and flipped my visor downward to help shield my eyes despite wearing sunglasses. With piercing eyes I spotted the taupe brown SUV just pulling away from a curb ahead. Gaining a little distance and recognizing the plates, I nodded. "Well, go figure. What do you know…" I murmured "Let's follow her and see where she goes." I said, my curiosity piqued... and with a flick of the blinker I switched lanes to tail her.

As we followed her and made our way further into the west side of town, a high end residential neighborhood… we spotted her vehicle pulling to a stop on the street in front of a nice upscale condo. Under dappled mature trees I eased my SUV to a slow stop in the block before hers, waiting. We watched from a distance as she exited the vehicle and stood on the driveway. Now we had a clear view of her for the first time. As we sat in the confines of the SUV there was a sudden white blur that went by us, barely missing grazing my left side as it sped full tilt past us down the street, headed straight for her. Sitting up a little straighter, my mouth fell open in shock…

"What the…" I trailed off,
 eyeing the white vehicle 
practically go airborne, 
like something out of 
Dukes of Hazard. 

"Wait a minute, is that…" I said, with sudden recognition of the vehicle and realizing it was my father. With lightning speed he squealed up to her condo and pulled into the front driveway. Out he leapt and with an angry stance, with arms waving wildly and a pointing of fingers we could make out heated verbiage being emitted on his part. Meanwhile she appeared to be attempting to assuage him, to calm him down. 

"Oh my…" My mother breathed from the passenger seat beside me as my mouth gaped open. She was thinking the same thing I was… the out of control behavior we had witnessed for years, that she had endured well over thirty years in their marriage, that I had dealt with for an entire childhood along with my siblings had spilled over into his new relationship. It appeared that the angry unbridled outbursts were present just as much now as they always had been and now this woman was on the receiving end of dealing with them. We watched as the woman got in the passenger seat of the SUV and allowed him to now get behind the wheel and drive away with her inside.

After they departed I slowly eased up in front of the condo, taking note of the address.

As we sat there she spoke "Sometimes things aren't always as they seem. I think we need this woman checked out if she's been around your kids." She said. I nodded as I scrolled on my iPhone "I'm already on it…" I replied and added, "I'll put in a call to a private investigator."

"Evidently the relationship is not as blissful as one would think." My mother remarked.

"It never is." I replied as I drove off and headed toward home.


When the narc's mask begins to slip, when the unedited version of their sick self begins to rear it's ugly head, when their fits outweigh the calm, when the target begins feeling less loved and viewed with contempt… when they can put their finger on the fact something isn't right… when the narc becomes bored, when they no longer feel challenged, when their affairs and lies are found out by the new one their with…

The fantasy of that wonderful new supply will fall apart, will begin to descend like a demolished building, like quicksand everything will disappear… and then the cycle must start all over again… the narc must find someone new. It's so incredibly personal what they do to their targets, yet they will do it with each and every one they are with… never ever satisfied. Yet you, on the other hand… get to have a new beginning, a real beginning, you get to heal, to go on in life with more knowledge than you had, with wisdom, with clarity, with empathy not just for yourself and what you've endured but for others as well.

You, my friend… are not dependent like him on supply to be happy. Yes, it will be a hard road, yes it will have struggle, yes, you might become depressed, yes you might have to cut corners here or there, yes you may have to rely on some wonderful people or maybe you realize all you have is God… yet He is enough. One day you will wake up to your cheek resting on a soft pillow, stretch with upward arms, feel refreshed, and with a skip in your step you will head to the kitchen to make your breakfast… and as you listen to the robins singing their morning salute to you, as your coffee percolates, as you reach for your favorite well loved mug and pitter patter with bare feet to the window to look at the sun shining happiness into your space… you will smile and say to yourself:

"It's a new day. And I'm truly happy." 

© ~ 2015

What are the signs of true happiness? Click here to read all 10 via Reader's Digest