The Narcissistic Sociopath & Denial

“Businessman Stop Sign Hand Gesture Isolated On White

 Background” by steafpong via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

We've all been there at one time or another… subscribing to denial. Maybe we deny that the outfit were wearing is not flattering… adamant that we are going to wear it anyway when our figure might be better suited for something else. Maybe were in denial about the person were marrying... when in reality we are a bad match because our core values don't match up. Perhaps someone denies they are a workaholic… despite plenty of evidence to prove otherwise… their family members know all too well that their loved one is always missing at family functions and always seems to be ready with an excuse for their absence. We may subscribe to denial every so often… not necessarily with intent to cause issues or hurt yet living in our fuzzy perception of reality, we also live in a state of denial... that maybe only those close to us can see quite clearly.


The big issues with denial come into play when someone is KNOWINGLY, MALICIOUSLY denying poor behavior on their part… and causing those who have been hurt by the perpetuator to question their very reality… wondering if they have fallen off their rocker, gone off the deep end, etc because their very sanity has come into question.


That's what a narcissist 

or sociopath does. 
They deny, deny and deny the things they do. 
They will never admit to doing anything wrong. 


Healthy functioning adults respect others and they will admit to their mistakes, their poor choices, their regrets. Yes, we may have a difficult time out of guilt, shame and sorrow… maybe even embarrassment. Maybe we stall for awhile to come forth and speak up and admit what we've done… but we eventually do… we swallow our pride, we humble ourselves, we ask God and or others for wise counsel and guidance and try our best to make amends.


Not a narcissist or sociopath.

They believe the one whom they hurt had it coming (punishing nature). Or they believe that the target is trying to manipulate them with some pitiful attempt at tears or is a weak idiot for being so "sensitive". 

The narcissist or sociopath will deny what he or she told you last year, last month or even last night. The narcissist or sociopath will deny they pressured you to do x,y,z. The narcissist or sociopath will deny you are sick… deny your symptoms or the severity of them… and will not help you with the medical care you need… we simply cannot count on someone of a narcissistic or sociopathic nature to come to our aid when we are in need of any kind… they will ALWAYS fail us… DENYING AN ISSUE… either saying we are exaggerating our problem and accusing us of being dramatic… calling us crazy or weak… as if we can't "get it together" like he or she.

"BANDAIDS DON'T FIX 

BULLET HOLES"

 - Taylor Swift, Bad Blood 

They will say: "I don't know what you're going to do…" essentially letting you take all responsibility for whatever the crises or issue is… you're on your own. With a narcissist or sociopath you're always on your own… they are the most unreliable, unhelpful individuals out there. They throw you in a pool of water and then scream at you that you're drowning…

"SWIM!!!!" 

They scream when they 

know you can't swim…

 and then walk off denying they ever threw you in the pool. 

They treat you terribly, scold you, criticize you, minimize your feelings, invalidate your reality, outright abuse you… and when you finally break and say: "I can't do this anymore" and walk away… they later tell you that you that they love you, you broke their heart and they just don't understand why you're treating them this way.

Fall 2013  

names have been omitted in this post 

****************

"That's not what he told me…" I said, my brows furrowed as I drove to the hotel we were heading to… in the darkness of night I slowly made my way along the inky street… my home was undergoing renovations and my mother and I had made arrangements for us to stay at a Hyatt hotel for a few nights. "He told me that he helped search for me while I was gone… "I told her, referring to when I had left home at seventeen during my junior year of high school… my father had always made it out like he had been an active participant in the search to bring me back home. For almost two decades my mother and I had never spoken of the time when I'd left and now we were finally discussing the incredibly touchy and unspoken time period in our lives for the first time in detail. Fast forward nineteen years to now it appeared I had been fed lies for years on end by him… he obviously never believing that eventually his lies would be found out… however many years later.


"Your father didn't do anything." My mother informed me. We passed fast food restaurants lit up in a bright array of neon colors in the night. Traffic ahead slowed to a halt at the red light and I eased to a stop. I blinked my bleary eyes ready to reach the hotel and get some much needed rest.

"He lied to you. He didn't search for you… "She told me. "Your grandmother and I searched all the local malls looking for you… we handed out fliers with your photo and our contact information on them to anybody we could… a few of them had seen you… your grandmother and I walked the halls of the high school… interrogating kids, we posted fliers and passed them out… trying to get any leads we could… your grandmother went to the police chief and begged for his help… we spoke with private detectives that informed us the Vietnamese gangs were the most dangerous… and that in general the Vietnamese community is close knit, closed off and nearly impossible to try to gain access to… we were doing everything we could think of… our next step was to go to the media and ask for help."

"What was dad doing?" I asked her even though by now deep down I already knew the answer.

"Working." She replied simply. "What he always did."

Silence. I let it all sink in… the harsh reality that he hadn't been out there looking for me… for years he had fed me one lie after another… that he was the one searching the malls, searching the school, that he had gone to the police chief, that he had paid the private detective the money to search for me… finding out my mother had actually paid for it. If I confronted him about the truth… he would deny it. He would never ever admit the truth. It wasn't worth my time or effort. That I knew without any hesitation or doubt.

***************

The narcissist or sociopath wants more than anything for their pristine image to remain intact… they want their life to be regarded as one to be envied, to be respected, to be without a smudge or scandal. They will deny any wrong doing, they will deny anything that doesn't place them in a positive light. Denial is self serving as that it always serves the person engaging in it. The narcissists actions or lack thereof always affects others… whether it's engaging in crazy-making (gas-lighting), projection, lies, etc… they have zero regard to how it affects everyone else. At any and all cost they will deny anything that will shed a negative light on themselves… because at the end of the day what they wish to do is keep a pristine image… and they can only do that by denying every truth you tell.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

To My Readers:
Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing!

RELATED POSTS:

WHEN NO ONE BELIEVES HE'S A NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH

11 THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY CHILDHOOD

Projection & Signs Of A Cheating Spouse

The Narcissistic Sociopath: Hidden Agenda's

“Woman Looking Through Binoculars” by stock images

via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

*************

THIS POST CONTAINS LANGUAGE

names have been omitted in this post 

Spring 2012 

"I work my ASS off! Do you even KNOW how hard I work? I'm doing all this for YOU!" He yelled at me standing beside his side of the bed, his face contorted in anger.

I stared at him incredulously from where I sat on the bed draped with a embroidered duvet wearing jeans and a faded t-shirt. "FOR ME?! For ME????!!!" I exclaimed.  "No…" I shook my head. "You are so full of shit!" I retorted. "Yeah, you work your ass off, you work hard for YOU! I never told you to work that hard! I never told you to wear yourself out. I never told you to travel for work. In fact… " I paused with reflection and spoke… "Quite the opposite. I didn't want to buy this larger house. I was happy in our smaller one. YOU are the one who insisted you had to have this house. I told you over and over I didn't want it. I should have refused to sign the papers at closing but as usual I let you have your way. That was MY mistake. YOU were the one who insisted we live on the lake. YOU were the one who had to have a Jaguar when I told you I hated that car and it was ridiculous. We have a son with special needs who needs more help and all you care about is all this crap that doesn't matter. No… if you're tired, if you're worn out… if you don't feel appreciated… go look in the mirror. You chose this. Every day. I don't want to hear it."

"You don't appreciate what I do! You don't have ANY idea how hard it is to make that money! I make YOUR LIFE POSSIBLE!" He screamed at me like an unhinged lunatic.

I stared at him with shocked disgust and spoke "You make MY life possible??!" I echoed. "Ha! I didn't marry you for money. Maybe you need a refresher… "I pointed out… "When I married you, you were BROKE. In fact, you were thousands of dollars in the hole in debt. So now that you're Mr. Big Shot and raking in the money… don't now try to come back and act like I'm after it. I didn't have an agenda. It's more like I made it possible for you to get where YOU are. I've stayed home with the children when we could have shelled out a fortune in babysitting, daycare etc. I've supported YOUR career and been there for you every step of the way… thinking we were a TEAM in this. That's what you led me to believe you thought for years. So hey… bring your big head down a few notches… because with your growing wallet your ego has swelled in size and it's not a good look. You know what? All I'm hearing is spinning and a pity party of boo hoo and poor me, so suck it up and face the fact you chose this for YOU."

**************

“Agenda Word" by Stuart Miles via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

The Hidden Agenda…

No matter what sex; female or male, every narcissist or sociopath has an agenda when in search of a relationship. The narcissist or sociopath is seeking something they deem valuable from you that they want… something that will enhance his or her image to their acquaintances, family, boss, co-workers, etc. Whether it's your physical attractiveness, family wealth, hard earned money, connections, education, etc… there is always something the narcissist or sociopath has his or her eye on that they know will make them look better to the outside world.

So how can we try to guard against dating someone or even worse… marrying someone who has a hidden agenda aimed at us? We can familiarize ourselves with several things to keep in mind so we aren't subject to agendas… here are some to consider…


5 Points To Be Cognizant Of:

1. Are they always bringing up a specific topic again and again? Is your grandmother's trust or dad's highly sought after property always being brought up by him or her? Take notice of these things… they mean something and it's not good.

2. They will bide their time as needed for a longterm payoff… they don't mind waiting awhile, they are cunning and sly… they are the ones who will marry for a green card, who hope to cash in after you've come into a lot of money, who set their sights on swooping in to own your family's business one day, who insist you get a life insurance policy, etc.

3. They are manipulative by nature… they know what they are doing… they know that the heinous actions they are choosing are purposeful and premeditated… because they lack empathy… they don't care about other's feelings and how their poor behavior affects them.

4. They pretend to love you and lack depth… narcissistic people, sociopaths, they aren't capable of truly loving anyone (but perhaps themselves). They show a limited range of emotions… they can feel/show happiness, (when they get what they want) or anger but their emotions are short lived and shallow. They can fly into a rage over the simplest things… things that don't matter yet walk back in the same room five minutes later completely calm as if nothing happened. No, they don't have amnesia, they do remember how they behaved… they merely choose when to turn on and off their temper fits, their abuse, etc as it serves them and they see fit.

5. They will do nice things for you to gain your trust because they are looking for their efforts to have a pay-off down the road. Dating or married, they may buy you dinner but expect sex. They may always reach for the pricey check at extended family dinners out but expect favors in return… smiling to themselves that you "owe them." They may always insist everyone meet for work or family gatherings at their home but have an ulterior motive. They will initiate sex with you but only to satisfy themselves not you. Regardless of what they do for you… it always comes with a price.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

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IS SHE A SOCIOPATH? 20 SIGNS

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The False Gospel That Your Prosperity Is Coming

Have you noticed the rise of what has been deemed as the "prosperity gospel"? Some of the most well known Evangelist's in this country have been pointed at as regularly delivering sermons that seem to outright or at the very least intimate the promise of prosperity by means of obeying God.

According to many of these Evangelist's the more obedient one is… the more pleasing they are to God,  in return He will bestow endless blessings upon a person and their life. Anyone who knows Jesus and His character… knows that material wealth and possessions are not in His eyes a sign of importance, of a life well lived, or that those things even belong to us. But oddly enough, in contrast... in the eyes of the prosperity gospel emitting individual, our worth, how well we've done in life and how well we've obeyed God is also directly linked to how many blessings we've racked up on the blessing-o-meter.

The Widow’s Two Mites 

Luke 21 And He looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury, 2 and He saw also a certain poor widow putting in two mites. 3 So He said, “Truly I say to you that this poor widow has put in more than all; 4 for all these out of their abundance have put in offerings for God,[a] but she out of her poverty put in all the livelihood that she had.”

The widow tossed in her two coins and although Jesus did praise her for her selfless act, for her wonderful contribution when she had next to nothing… He also didn't then reward her with a fabulous all expenses paid cruise vacation, designer wardrobe, lake front property with castle included… He didn't do any of that… He praised her and moved on. It doesn't state that He offered to pay her rent or buy her a month worth of groceries. The truth was… He loved the fact she didn't ask Him: "So, uh… how about something for me?" He loved the fact that she contributed when she had little to nothing to give. He valued her contribution more than the people of wealth because it meant more to her. 

Today we see so much bargaining going on in the world… expectation in places where it shouldn't exist. In so many marriages there is the expectation of one another where it shouldn't reign. There is the narcissistic husband who expects sex due to his providing for his wife… in his mind money and her provision is closely linked to a debt of sexual favors owed to him… not selfless love shown to one another… alternatively, there is the wife who expects her husband to do x,y,z the moment he walks in the door from working all day without so much as a hello. Both scenarios are damaging and set up marriages to fail… because the mentality of "What am I'm gonna get?" comes before Him. 

The prosperity theology promotes idolatry 

Christians who look to God to fill a bucket of blessings based on what they do for Him… they have their hands out… their buckets set out waiting to be filled… and when they aren't filled… the entitled sense of disappointment and resentment kicks in toward God. They believe they have upheld their end of the bargain… and bewilderingly wonder why their oh so perfect life isn't materializing speedy quick right now… it's because they have been sold a bill of goods… a message that was false, that was based on material luxuries, on keeping up with the Joneses, etc. In this line of thinking God becomes a magical genie of some sort they just elicit some rewards from by obeying Him. 

The prosperity gospel spewers keep getting richer because they are preying on gullible innocent Christians… they are preying on people who erroneously believe their windfall is about to hit any day now… they just have to "try harder" to please God… which is a ridiculous, terrible and damaging message to send to anyone. It tells people that they aren't good enough… that they haven't met x,y,z… and they don't measure up. It sends people into the dark abyss of desperation, of feeling less than and even suicide. It bases their worth and standing on their worldly gains when actually God loves them regardless because their His children. 

Today I'm here to tell you: 

You are not your bank account, 

you are not your vehicle, 

you are not your house, etc. 

You are a child of God 

and He loves you… 

His only son died for you. 

Are we more concerned with what we are going to get in return for helping others?
Are we subscribing to a message of "What am I going to receive if I obey Him?"

Or are we happy to give and help others… anyone really, without any expectations… 

Giving freely out of selfless love… 

Like Jesus did for us on the cross… 

~ Jennifer Gafford (2014)

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com

images via etsy & pinterest 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

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http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/intent-living-life-of-purpose.html

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Our Laundry Is Not "Dirty" But Clean 

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The Narc's Family: 5 Ugly Little Secrets Behind Closed Doors

I grew up in a family of secrets. Initially I didn't know this. But as time went on I realized my family wasn't like everyone else's. When I say "my family" I really mean in the male sense, the head of the family… because he, the patriarch, a stunted child in the body of a grown man was the orchestrator of the crazy behind closed doors. As a child it was bit by little bit over a period of time I realized my family wasn't like everyone else's. How did I realize this? School. School was the only outlet I had to the outside world and the only glimpse I had into how my family operated differently from the other children's I shared class with each day. If I'd been home schooled I likely would have been kept in the dark far longer than I was… but because I had that outlet, light occasionally peeked in and with that light came hope… that there was different. That there was normal. That there was better. That there was healthy. And hope means maybe… just maybe one day I could have those things too… and the dark would melt away indefinitely.

*************************

The fine art… the jade tree… the image of superiority … the carved frames special ordered from New York… the family tree…. the name dropping… the antique furniture… the stuff… my God, the stuff… it never ended… the stuff. It would make anyone cut shopping cold turkey. It would cure anyone of collecting. It would drive anyone to a life of minimalism and serenity… because serene was not our life. Our life was busy, crowded, overflowing, excess… our life was every corner filled, every shelf covered, every table surface piled… our life was buy, spend, buy… our life was "Man, that was too good a deal to pass up!"…. 

Our life was "Don't touch that!", "Don't sit there!", "Find something to do!" and "Stop it! You're embarrassing me!"….

Our life was "Ohhh, that isn't worth much… I tell you what I'll do… I'll give you fifty dollars for it…." and then later after the customer left… "People are so stupid… you see this painting? I can sell this for a few hundred dollars." <insert triumphant smug smile> or even better, "I can sell this for a few thousand dollars." 

It was a facade of an art gallery because reality was much of what came in was kept for personal gain, for victory, for a high, to feed the addiction within. It was a first hand lesson in screwing people, in tricking people, in what to do to feed the hungry selfish devil within. It was narcissistic to the core and just because I was a child didn't mean for a second I didn't know what was happening. Children are typically keenly aware of their parents ill character… (unless they are being successfully alienated by a sociopath from a healthy parent) because to believe otherwise it's acting as though children are inept idiots, quite frankly. Most children know if their parent's character is reflective of being a slime ball if it fits the bill. Most children are painfully and honestly aware that yes, unfortunately they got jipped and somehow managed to get in the line of having a criminally prone parent. And yes, the child at the cusp of adulthood has every individual right to discard the parent upon fully digesting and realizing the fact(s) a parent is not a healthy figure in their life or at the very least keep them at arm's length. 

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5 Signs You Are The Child Of A Narcissistic Parent:

1. Everything is about one parent and one parent only:
A family's entire life revolves around this one parents wants, needs, hobby, career and dreams, etc. There is a lot done in tempering the narc's bad moods, anger, outbursts, need for sex, etc that there may be little time or energy left for family life… each situation is different in terms of the scale of "crazy" taking place and some may certainly cope better than others.


2. The golden child versus the black sheep:
The narcissistic parent always chooses a golden child who he/she favors and gains narcissistic supply from to build himself/herself up, as the child is an extension of their ego. The child is seen as a possession not a little person (individual) with thoughts, feelings and dreams of his or her own. The black sheep is used also; the one who is the cause of any problems in the family, the parent projects their own negative feelings of worthlessness onto that child. Any other children may be viewed as unnecessary, as just "extras" as they serve no purpose and may be viewed with detachment. Who is chosen as the golden child and who is chosen as the black sheep can change over time depending on how it suits the narc parent. Regardless, these siblings typically grow up with division… because triangulation (and gas lighting) is often used by the narcissistic parent to create mini wars where siblings and even their other parent are pitted against one another… there is a lot of "She told me this… or he told me that…" and then when the sibling doesn't verify the facts from the other sibling or parent a division has craftily been created by the narc parent… depending on how it would serve him/her. These siblings may grow up having difficulties maintaing healthy close sibling relationships and find themselves often at odds with one another or even emotionally detached to one another as a result.


3. Narcissists are not in touch with their feelings:
They don't express themselves, they don't share their thoughts and feelings. They are not nurturers, nor affectionate. Instead they are bottled up, stuffers and exploders. They have not learned the necessary skills to share their feelings in a healthy manner because they don't believe feelings even matter… to them that is trivial and not needed. Some communication is done in a "in your face manner" with screaming, cussing and fits. Typically most communication is done via messenger… something is told to one family member and instructed to be passed by them to another… information of how someone is angry, hurt, or been wronged in some fashion is done passive aggressively versus face to face in a civilized calm manner with tact, grace and understanding. That scenario doesn't exist in a narcissistic family dynamic.


4. Narcissistic parents don't love their kids:
They don't feel love or empathy. They don't have a connection with their child. The child may be "bought" by toys, outings, gifts, clothing, newly decorated bedrooms, trips, iPhones, etc… but in determining whether a parent is healthy for a child it's imperative to closely look at the connection the child has with the parent. If all those material items, all those glorious incentives were stripped away would there be anything there? Would the child feel loved? Would the child feel closeness? Would the child feel a bond? More than likely the sad answer is… no. Because the child is being bought. They aren't being listened to. They aren't being heard. They aren't being valued. They aren't being encouraged to be authentic. There may glaring neglect for the children. Instead the child is valued for what they can do for the narcissistic parent not who they are as a person. Instead they are being taught to not love others, to not value people but to instead use them to suit themselves. These children are being taught about everything but good…. the complete opposite of honesty and love… they are being taught that to look out for yourself is number one in life and this thinking leads to the criminal mindset… where customers are unknowingly grossly overcharged based on the vehicle they drive and the brand of sunglasses they wear… where children like myself are told throughout their childhood "No, you can't go to that birthday party. It's unnecessary.", "No, you can't take swimming lessons. I can't afford it." and in the same week he then buys a twenty thousand dollar painting or a Civil War artifact. Where children are continually told "No, you can't get a bike. I don't have health insurance on you."… the same week that parent buys an original bronze statue for five thousand dollars… and yet… his wife suffers without a dishwasher for her growing family and diligently clips coupons as the narcissist buys buys buys his little empty heart away.


5. Perfect On The Outside, Ugly Behind Closed Doors:
In the beginning of this post I talked about secrets and how they make up a large part of a family that includes a narcissistic parent. The secret is… This is the Narc's thinking: "Don't tell anyone were different. Yes, you may think we are… you may know we are, but don't tell… it's an unspoken thing, okay? Because denial is sweeter than reality. So don't ever tell because really… were perfect. You see, it's "those other people" who have the problems, the defects, the issues, the dysfunction in their families. It's really others that aren't "keeping it together", that aren't refined like us… I mean, look AT WHO WE ARE… and WHAT WE OWN… and WHO WE KNOW… and who are you to potentially cross me and discard all of that wonderfulness wrapped with a shiny red bow… because you are here to continue MY LEGACY, my name, to serve my needs. And if you can't do that? If you can't uphold your end of the unspoken "deal"… of the facade I've so carefully crafted for years, maybe even decades, maybe even that my parents have built before me… if you can't adhere to the outward image of perfection as I do… of status…. then I have no use for you. My love is conditional like that. If you can't or won't uphold your end I will be done with you. But that won't be the end of it… I'll stand on my soapbox and slowly play my violin for anyone who will listen… it's song being that you wronged me… you betrayed me… you hurt me… you, you, you… and with each note I will slip further and further… deeper and deeper into that dark ugly pool of wretched denial… that you so as luck would have it… escaped".


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

No child deserves abuse and 

although emotional abuse

 is rarely spoken of it's just as 

harmful and toxic as physical abuse. 

If you are the child of a narcissistic parent:

You didn't do anything wrong. 

You didn't cause this. 

You can't change them.

But you can create a new life…

a life of peace, healing and light.

To My Readers:

Thank you for reading,

commenting and sharing!

Related Posts: 

Six Ways To Help The Narcissistic Child

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/01/divorce-6-ways-to-help-narcissistic.html

Fathers: Shepherding His {Black} Sheep 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/04/father-shepherding-his-black-sheep.html

Once Down In The Gutter And Called A Whore But Came To Know Jesus Died For Me & You

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/03/once-down-in-gutter-called-whore-but.html

The Body Of A Woman: Eating Disorder

Thinness


As women we all want to look nice. We want to look our best and with that we may often sigh about an extra five, ten, fifteen, thirty or plus pounds.


We have all been subjected to unhealthy images of females in magazines and on television, in movies etc. Whether teenage girls or grown women, we know that the pressure today to be thin is huge.


Where does an unhealthy mindset begin?


When we are focused on the...

Scale

Numbers

The word "Diet" 

We can consciously remind ourselves that the word "Diet" is a four letter word and one that shouldn't be used in our vocabulary, homes etc. Women may use it freely but it's a dangerous word to speak and not one we should ever let our daughters hear us say. Studies have shown that the risk of an eating disorder rises in girls who live in a household where other females use the word "diet", talk about food restriction and obsess with the digits on the scale. For some reason in our society today we have been erroneously led to believe that by saying "Ugh, I need to diet! If I can just lose five pounds..." we are being humble and modest. But this is backward thinking and we can replace it with healthy thinking.



It's really difficult to have a healthy view of what we are supposed to eat when we are bombarded daily by ads for bacon cheeseburgers and curly fries alongside glossy photos of polished models who don't look like they've eaten much but lettuce all week. But when we ditch the grocery cart full of cabbage and energy drinks and actually buy a weeks worth of balanced foods that will nourish our body with the protein, calcium and vitamins it needs to stay strong.... we will be nurturing our bodies, not depriving.



Weight monitoring is just that.... monitoring. It's another word for control. It's really attempting to control something...  anything... because we may feel so out of control in other areas of our lives. You don't have to be ashamed of this! Everyone goes through stressful times in their lives and sometimes we may turn to unhealthy ways to manage or control our stress. So we may choose to control our weight. It's dangerous because very quickly we can lose sight of what we truly look like.... our image in the mirror may become inaccurate due to our own distorted mental view of ourselves. In our unhealthy minds we may believe we need to lose weight but the reality is we may be dangerously thin. It's important that as women we monitor our monitoring.... if we find ourselves beginning to judge our bodies with a negative internal dialogue we need to say "Stop." And then pause and review what we are saying to ourselves....

Because if it's not kind, if it's not something you could or would say to one of your girlfriends, then you shouldn't say it to yourself. 

As women we may feel the need to strive for perfection in our weight.... but more than likely the perfectionism is based on society's standards. The sooner we ditch what society believes is right for us the happier we will be and that much sooner we can live an authentic life. 

We can look in the mirror and say:

 "I am blessed with a strong body and no matter what frame, height, etc I am... I am going to strive for my healthiest.... not thinnest!" 

God blessed you with a strong healthy body. He wants you to nourish it each and everyday. He wants you to appreciate your curves and muscles. He wants you to glorify Him. He wants you to care for your body and feed it well...  as we are each wonderfully made by Him. 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. 
Psalm 139:14

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

Signs you or a loved one may have an eating disorder:

1. Selective eating

2. Weight loss

3. Obsessed with clothing sizes, numbers on scale

4. Refuses to eat in front of others

5. Always has an excuse to not eat; upset stomach, ill, busy, stressed, not hungry etc

6. Complains of being overweight when in reality not

7. Exercises compulsively

8. Wears baggy clothes to hide weight loss

9. Stops menstruating

10. Feels faint, dizzy, tired

11. Takes laxatives

12. Uses restroom right after eating

13. Shame, low self esteem, depression 

Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing! 

Married To A Narcissistic Sociopath

October 2012 

*****************

You stare at the computer in shock.

 Not believing what you are seeing. 

He doesn't love you. 

He wasn't in it for the long haul. You supplied a fleeting need, a deep empty hole to be filled, a momentary time of idealization of you. It worked for a while. He made you feel special at first and adored you, pinched himself he got you, bragged to everyone about you. But eventually he will become bored. And he will begin to treat you less and less well as he once had. He bitches to his mother in secret about his unhappiness. She in turn will enable his poor behavior on you. Because it's what she knows. And what she does. The hurt he inflicted on you and the way you saw him dismissively treat others for years made you cringe. You witnessed him being short with waitstaff, cashier's and valet's. You voiced your concerns of this which were repeatedly dismissed and denied. Then you internally question his negative behaviors because he proudly parades you around on his arm like a trophy unbeknownst to you at the time that he is further feeding his sick twisted need within him that he has someone so pretty, so talented and so good. 

He tells everyone:

 "She's so good." 

Because deep down he knows he could never ever get anyone as good, meaning sweet hearted as you. He is cunning and manipulative and presents a facade of "the good guy." He wants the best for himself. He wants the best for you... because when you have the best of everything he feels puffed up and like an addict who gets his momentary high. But it wears off and there is withdrawal. Like an addict he always needs more and more. He buys you the diamond earrings. He buys a Jaguar. He buys a boat. He buys a big house. He buys art and toys and gadgets. His ego continues to inflate like a hot air balloon. There were glimpses of a larger issue than just ego and image but you second guess and self doubt. Later of course these moments are always crystal clear.  

The hurtful words toward you increase, the criticisms of how you are not doing this right, you are not doing enough. It's never enough. He tells you.... You don't give him enough sex even when you are. You don't hug him even when you do. You don't give him enough back rubs when you do. You don't text him enough. You don't go to lunch with him enough. You don't watch his movies enough. You don't relax. Ah, but today you are relaxing too much... get off your ass and do something! You gain weight and now you're too big. You lose weight and he says "You look like shit. Go look in the mirror. Gain some weight." He twists and turns everything to be your fault. He poisons the children with bribery and indulgence to like him more. He undermines your authority and sabotages any good character and responsibility you try to instill in them. He takes zero blame. Because at the core he's criminal. He evades taxes, he speeds, he lies, he breaks rules, he's underhanded in business. You can't keep up with the pressures from him and keep him happy because the rules change daily, by the hour and by the minute. He changes the game on you so you never know the rules in this ongoing cycle of confusion. You can't be enough now. He has sucked you dry like a vampire, he has used you up. You are exhausted and chronically emotionally and physically spent. But the demands increase. He wants anal sex, he wants this, he wants that. You stand your ground and are disgusted by him. You lose all respect for him and for good reason. You are repelled by him and you tell him so. 

He pulls further and further away and he seeks new attention outside the relationship to fill that hole. The distance between you widens as that HE MUST FILL his emptiness just like an addict in withdrawal. The man you once knew that adored you, that boasted of you, that loved you.... seeks a new love to fill that gaping hole. He plays the victim, sighs and shakes his head to others as he lies about you and says "I know... she has issues. I just couldn't help her. I've been so unhappy for a long time." You find out he's been cheating and see the evidence... the ugliness... the outright lies, the hateful words written about you and even the new women... how all women "are dumb"... and how he laughs at how truly dumb they are... because they fell for his lies, his manipulation and facade. He is discarding you. You are worthless now. You mean nothing to him now. Because he's used you up. You shudder and realize....

this isn't love. This is the DEVIL.

The devil has been in your bed. The devil has been in your home. The devil has been helping raise your children. The devil has been conning you. The devil has been pinching himself and laughing the entire time. 

The devil has infiltrated every aspect of your life. 

Who is this devil? 

A NARCISSIST 

You married this. More than like likely because it's what you knew. Maybe because this was your dad. It presented differently so you erroneously believed "different was okay" ... but just because it's "different crazy" doesn't mean it's not crazy. 

You don't have to live with this. 

You can kick crazy to the curb. 

You have one life. 

And it's too precious to waste on the devil. 

But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. ...

 2 Timothy 3:1-7

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013

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commenting and sharing! 

The Investment: Love Or Money?

2008 

names have been omitted in this post 

**************

I stood there listening to him talk about the many ways the home would be a good investment. An investment that would serve us well in the future he told me. A home we could fix up and then later years down the road sell it for a nice sum of money.

"I don't believe it's a good idea..." I told him doubtfully. "I mean... sure, it sounds like an investment. But I'm perfectly content and happy where we are." I said.

"But we could use more room." He responded, trying to win me over.

"I just don't see why we can't merely add on to this house." I shrugged.

"Because it wouldn't make good sense in re-selling." He pressed "We couldn't make any money off of it if we sold it down the road."

"Should we even consider re-selling?" I replied "I don't want to move. I thought we were happy here. I love this house. We could add on here at some point, the lot is plenty big enough. I can't justify moving merely because of an investment opportunity. This should be about family... not money." I pointed out.

Investment.
Where is yours?

In a home?

A car?

A boat?

A wardrobe?

A jewelry collection?

I know where I want my investment to be. I want my investment to be in love. In the things that matter in life. Family. Children. I want the "investment" of my home to be centered around creating a place where there is love, laughter, bonding, and sweet memories.


I don't want my investment in a home to be wrapped up in what I will get out of it in monetary value one day. Because if love is not first and foremost we won't be investing where it matters and it may all crumble anyway.


Love is the greatest investment there is. It doesn't require loans, short sales, banks, record books, etc. It doesn't require realtors, re-modeling, construction and debt.


It just requires you.


We can all delight in investing loving someone else. We have the choice to invest in love each and every day. God wants us to.


God loves us. His love for us is greater than any monetary investment we could make. Without God and his love we are all truly bankrupt.


God's love for us is one we can all share.


Anytime we are spending our money in ways that please God we honor him. Whether we purchase a book on devotionals, tithe or selflessly use our money to help someone in need we are...


Investing.

In love.

"They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life.” – 1 Timothy 6:18–19 (ESV)

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013

Image and Aspergers

“Young Child In Nature” by chrisroll via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image

When you see that word what thought first comes to mind?

The view others have of you?

That we are all created in God's image?

The word image can have a positive or negative connotation and depending on the individual their view of "Image" may have been shaped by their child hood upbringing and later their adult experiences.


My son was recently diagnosed with Aspergers

Aspergers is a high functioning form of Autism. My husband and I prepared ahead of time to tell our son of his diagnosis. Not only did we want to be prepared but I wanted our son to have materials at his disposal to better understand what Asperger's is. I searched online and much to my relief and delight found books written for children explaining Asperger's. This one was his favorite:

http://www.amazon.com/What-It-Is-Be-Me/dp/1593521995

The afternoon we told him, he nodded as if he had already known. I believe he felt relief to finally know why he had felt "different" amongst his peers. He had always been social despite awkward tendencies with it. Now he had a concrete reason as to why he had had these struggles. We read the book together and he excitedly pointed out the boy in the story "Was just like him!" Everyone in the family has read up on Asperger's and the sense of unity and openness has helped bring our family and extended family members closer.

If we hadn't told him we would have set him up for a lifetime of wondering the reason for his struggle combined with the struggle itself. That would have magnified the frustration he already felt! By not telling him of his diagnosis what type of message would we have been sending him?

That when you have a developmental disorder you keep it hidden.
That when you have a developmental disorder you struggle silently behind closed doors.
That when you have a developmental disorder image is more important than authenticity.
That when you have a developmental disorder it's shameful and makes you less than others.

Instead I want to be open with my son. By being upfront and honest with him it empowers him to embrace the struggles he has with social skills and coping during times of frustration thus enabling him to address them along with our encouraging guidance, therapies and prayer.

Knowledge = Power

Once he knows the reason for his struggles they no longer seem so big, so undefinable and he can now receive the validation he needs for all his internal frustration. What a gift that is!

As his parent I don't want to send him the wrong message by letting him think for one minute Image is more important than his truth, his authenticity, his value as a person.

I don't want him believing he doesn't meet this or that image…

but that he was created out of His perfect love.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2012