Saturday, November 30, 2013

Is He A Sociopath? - 20 Signs

The Sociopath 

You may be wondering if he's a sociopath and what makes up one.

Here is a list of 20 signs to help….  (For men: Is She A Sociopath? 20 Signs)

1. You are walking on eggshells… you feel on edge around him and yet strangely enough you want to be his one and only. Yes, it's sick. This is not normal.

2. He originally placed you on a pedestal and was in awe of you. Now, later, it's like you are in this weird dance where he waffles between placing you on the pedestal and treating you like you are disposable. It creates confusion instead of peace.

3. He refers to you as his trophy wife and bases your value on how good you make him look. He expects affirmation he's done well in life at his 20 year high school reunion based on your looks and you on his arm. When no one validates him, this is when you unknowingly enter the discarding stage by him.

4. In the beginning he wanted to seal the deal quickly and marry you speedy quick. He doesn't want a long engagement, he gives ultimatums, sets the wedding date and if you waver…. he accuses you of being not committed.

5. You catch him in a lie. And another lie. And another. It's pathological for him and he won't stop. He accuses you of being a liar or a cheater. That's called projection; him twisting what he's doing onto you.

6. Nothing phases him. He drives like a maniac to intimidate you. Or you're in the car with him and nearly get hit by another car. Anyone else would flinch, grip their hand rest, something. Not him. He's cool as a cucumber and never feels fear, anxiety or worry. No, that's not normal.

7. Appears needy but is actually controlling. Texts you incessantly. Initially you may see it as flattery, as lovely attention, but eventually down the road you will feel suffocated because he's in fact controlling.

8. Sex addict. He craves stimulation and high risk. He may use you for his main source of supply but needs supply from others too. Likely a cheater. He will put you at risk for STD'S. Get tested.

9. Views women as inferior. His friend may likely be a narcissist, maybe even a sociopath.... has had sex with hundreds of women then discards them. He texts him nude photos of the women he's slept with and when you discover it and confront him… he makes excuses. You are disgusted by him and for good reason.

10. Mocks you, stone-walls (gives you the silent treatment). You feel voiceless and exasperated. In a normal relationship you feel heard.

11. He is loved by those around him who know him superficially like his co-workers and employees. They believe you are the issue after you discover what he is because he has skillfully and cunningly painted himself to be this great, respectable, all around decent human being. He gives them shallow praise and they eat it up while he uses them in some way gaining supply.

12. He ignores you. When you ask him "Why are you treating me this way?' you will be met by a blank stare. He walks away. Your feelings chronically feel unimportant.

13. He demands respect from you. He desires you to adore him and follow him. And yet as time goes on you are a big inconvenience to him. He voices complaint he has to provide for you "Why can't you go get a job?" and "You expect me to do everything" when in reality you've been standing on your head like a three ring circus act doing everything except wiping his butt. You feel like a hundred years old and don't recognize yourself in the mirror.

14. He expects that you better be perfect. You better work like a dog but look like a Victoria's Secret model doing it. His expectations are sky high and you can never live up to them. Don't even try, it will kill you trying.

15. The relationship doesn't feel secure. In normal secure loving relationships there isn't worry that one little spat is going to be the end of a couple… but with him, yes. You find yourself always being the one to give in, to compromise, to apologize… because there is this unspoken feeling that if you don't he will toss you aside. Don't accept this as a way to live.

16. Gas-lights you. Claims you said something you never said or alternatively tells you something in anger "Stop talking to me about God!" and then a few weeks later denies "I never said that", 'I don't know what you're talking about" ever saying it. In the beginning it will be he said/she said type scenarios. Later, it will be items (books, etc) moved in the house and he claiming you did it when you didn't. Yes, you begin to question yourself and wonder if you're going crazy. That's his plan. Get yourself a plan… walk away from him and his bag of crazy.

17. Comments on your looks and other women's. Constantly critiques how you could improve your hair, your outfit, etc. Who cares what he thinks? Why put value in it?

18. His idols are status, image and money. He has to have the big house, keep up with the neighbors and drive the expensive car. Post divorce he buys himself a second vehicle and takes his newest sex supply to New York, the trip he always promised you. He gains new supply from her and materialism. Take your own trip to New York. Why ruin it with a case of crazy?

19. He uses the children as pawns when and after you divorce. He uses them to punish you, to turn one or all of them against you. Because who exactly do you think you are to leave him after discovering he cheated? He does the discarding, no one else.

20. You don't recognize him as the same person you first met. Because that person never really existed. That was a facade, a trick, a phony. He could only wear the mask for so long before it crumbled off. Now you know what he is. Run. And don't look back.

© ~ 2013 

                  To My Readers: 

                  Thank you for reading, 

                 commenting & sharing! 


The Happiest Place On Earth: Disneyland Dad's

I Love Lucy Not Ricky

You Are Not Your Parent's Choices: 5 Tips For All Parents

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Christmas: The Gift Of Giving

This time of year is a time of giving… 

Of gratitude. 

Of appreciation.

Of selflessness.

Of time. 

Of showing others how much they mean to us and our appreciation for them.

To share goodwill toward men, cheer and love.

Giving doesn't have to be toward someone that you know very well… it could even be a stranger.

Every Christmas season I choose someone I don't know very well or even a complete stranger to do good will toward. Last year I gave the sweet lady at the McDonald's I frequent for my sausage and egg McMuffin's a Christmas card with cash enclosed. One year it was mailing a Visa gift card to a man and his two sons in my community who had been affected by a drunk driver. His wife had been killed and having some idea of the loss he was enduring at the hands of someone who had chosen to drink and drive, I included a heartfelt note of encouragement and prayers. I believe it is incredibly important this time of year… naturally any time of year, but especially during the Christmas season to remember those who have lost loved ones. To remember those who maybe aren't feeling particularly joyous and excited about life because the one they love is not there to share in it. When we are followers of Christ we are on the road of progress, of being chiseled… yet still undeniably fail out of our fleshly tendencies to grumble, stumble and mumble the wrong thing even if well intentioned. Yet one thing we can excel at is giving… giving others the gift of the blessings we have whether it's form is monetary or time.

Gratitude Leads To Joy... 

We become joyful when we realize the value in what we already have, our blessings that are so often overlooked and taken for granted.... the "little" things that are actually the big things in life.... our health, our mobility, our independence, our bed, food, heat, transportation, our loved ones, our faith and God.

We all have choices… 

We can give the gift of time by visiting a senior care center, visiting a children's hospital, sharing goodness and a laugh or two. We can bake brownies for our post man or woman who endures weather in all extremes to get us our bills and Hickory Farm catalog on time. We can send a turkey dinner or black forest ham to our lawn service guy that has ensured our property was well cared for. We can check on our elderly neighbors who are home alone and lonely and spend some time visiting them, taking them something homemade to enjoy or invite them to join us for Christmas Eve dinner. We can donate food to a local food drive to ensure someone doesn't go hungry. We can donate money to a charity committed to helping others and raising awareness for a good cause. We can look the young woman in the eye behind the register when we check out and sincerely ask how she's doing… because we may be the only one all day who has actually asked her. We can let the mom with the crying or arguing children go ahead of us in the check out lane instead of giving her a withering glance. We can buy the man on the corner with a sign asking for help a hot meal because if we were in his position we'd be grateful for kindness extended. We all have choices. Let's all choose to make this Christmas season the best season yet… for someone else… to make someone's season shine a little brighter.

Because when we make someone else's world shine brighter it has a domino effect…

And consequently the whole world shines a little brighter too.

© ~ 2013

John 3:17- Love of God
But whoever has the world's goods, and beholds his brother
 in need and closes his heart against him, 
how does the love of God abide in him?

   To My Readers: 

      Thank you for reading, 

         commenting and sharing! 

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Husbands: Loving God's Daughter

He pursues her. 

He loves her. 

He cherishes her. 

He values her. 

He honors her. 

Whom is He?


As women we begin as babies tucked safely in our mother's wombs and yet God already knows us down to all our fingers and toes. We grow into little girls who love jump rope, hopscotch, dolls and crayons. We blossom into teenagers with our mother's smile in our eyes and a glittering future ahead, ready to take on the world with our evolving selves into womanhood. We become women… independent of anyone but God…. later brides to be, wives…. then maybe mothers and with strong deft hands we drive a car, type a document, clip coupons and change a baby's diaper…. we are strong, capable and yes, first and foremost always God's daughter. We, the little girl at six or seven who stood in the hallway listening to her parents fight behind the bedroom door…. we, the little girl who was kissed on the playground during recess and then cried…. we, the little girl who was called ugly names and shunned but still believed in a world of beauty, where raindrops held glitter, prisms were earrings and everyone treated each other with kindness and respect… and we, the little girl who would not at all be able to picture herself at 30 or beyond but now that she is… she looks back at that little girl… and loves her like a little girl loves a Care Bear with all her might…. and knows that as a woman, as a wife, as a mom, that no one will ever love her as much as God.

God Loves You 

Her husband may love her but he's not the first. The first to love her was the Lord, even long before she was born. A wife is a gift to her husband and let him not forget the value in God's precious gifts from above. When a husband treats his wife as a second class citizen, as lower than he, he is not treating her according to God's word. Jesus loved women…. he loved his mother dearly and he sought the woman at the well showing his character that may not have been popular but was undeniably right.

A husband may think "I'm a good enough husband. I'm not great, but I'm not awful either. I mean, I haven't cheated. I don't go to to bars, get drunk and pick up women."

The commandments God has given us are the basics, the foundation, if you will …. to not sin, to not commit adultery, to not let his family come between he and his wife, and more. Yet today it seems in our culture people want a big ribbon, a trophy or fanfare because they met what they view as the basic requirements for martial success.

Hold up…. not so fast. 

We can strive for not just "good enough" but great in our marriages.

And yet that requires God's help.

This means relying on Him.

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and
 gave himself for it.
 - Ephesians 5:25  - King James Bible 

A husband who loves his wife as God loves her like a daughter… 

A husband never leaves his wife - he will never threaten, never walk out, he will not ever threaten divorce or speak of it. God would never abandon his daughter. 

A husband is gentle - when a wife is frustrated & unlovable, he still loves and is slow to anger, gentle with his words. God does not condemn but convict with love and teaching.

A husband knows that they are one - he and his wife are a team, they function as one and will not allow anyone to come between them… outsiders, co-workers, family and his mother. God desires three in a marriage, Him, the husband and the wife. 

A husband speaks life - he does not engage in ugly, foul, disparaging talk about his wife to anyone, to other men, or share in their private intimate marital moments. He does not give time to other men who voice this nonsense as he knows this does nothing but bring death. God expects us to produce life. 


Love is not a feeling… but a choice that we choose everyday. We are the Lord's daughter and He loves us with mercy when we sin, when we fail, when we stumble, guilty as charged, yet our punishment withheld and instead unmerited grace, favor given by Him. This is the example of love He wishes us to give also and what we should look for in the man we marry. When we choose a Godly man who will in turn be a Godly husband, when we marry a believer who values women as the Lord does… we will be marrying a man with a Godly attitude. A man who won't be resignedly sighing... "But I don't go to the bars or cheat…" A man who doesn't believe in "good enough" but instead Godly. A man who serves, who provides without guilt-tripping his wife that he does. A man who chooses friends that don't view women as merely suppliers of lust, sex and pleasure. A man who will hold your hand in church and sings God's praises as he looks into your eyes with the long haul in his heart. A man who will wipe your tears when your mascara has ruined your face because P.S. I Love You makes you cry like a baby. A man who prays for you when you're sick for no obvious reason and bundles you up, taking you to every specialist in town until he has some darn good answers and won't stop until he does. A man who will hold you when your heart is breaking in a pool of tears after a string of useless evaluations that still doesn't give any explanation for why your son's development is not on target. A man who buys you the pink frosted cupcakes and maxi pads when you're on your period at ten p.m. at night. A man who gives you a back rub without expecting sex because you did five loads of laundry, cared for two children and helped him type his latest project for work…. well, just because. 

Because he loves you. 

And you love him.


© ~ 2013 

                         To My Readers: 

                   Thank you for reading, 

                 commenting and sharing! 

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Family, Forgiveness & Healing


Being convicted… the word forgiveness may make us shift uncomfortably in our seat, make us want to swallow down any bitter feelings with great force and plaster an unconvincing smile of "yes, I'm perfectly fine" look on our face as we try to feebly attempt to ignore any sharp pain in our heart or boiling fury in the depths of our gut resembling acidic lasagna long not fully digested. 

Yet true forgiveness is such a necessity. 

How often are we urged to forgive?

How often are we judged for not forgiving? 

We live in a society where forgiveness is viewed as a necessary accessory of the heart and if we don't have it we are deemed incomplete and half dressed. The bible clearly states we are called to forgive those who trample our hearts and lives. It can be an undoubtedly sweet victory when we do choose obedience to God.... choosing forgiveness and the feelings that follow are feelings of peace and calm after the passing of an inflicted storm. 

And so often it's incredibly difficult to get there. Our natural fleshly tendencies want to rebuke self control and obedience and go to the task of making karma happen by our own hands. We want that person to pay, to suffer as we have, blindly or obstinately believing we will feel better and perhaps momentarily we do…

We may entertain thoughts of fantasy, wishing we had a real life friend (accent and all) named Aiden Mathis off Revenge that will take care of any hurts our heart has endured and yet... 

We know without a doubt this ill advised thinking does nothing to produce fruit but instead death on top of already stinking decaying death. 

How hard is it to forgive our family members? Those closet to us? It's a little talked about issue and yet one that plagues so many people behind closed doors. 

Like children we want to do the right thing, to please God. It is natural to struggle with the much sought after idealistic fantasy of a picture perfect family (maybe to our own detriment) when the reality of much needed boundaries in the midst of chaos rears it's head... it's our family after all and not much is discussed about how to handle forgiving a family member without throwing yourself back to the wolf and saying "Here, bite me again!"


"I don't understand why you are so mad at me..." He said, standing in my kitchen, his taupe coat coordinating with the cream wall paint and granite countertops speckled in flecks of brown and gold. 

I stood at the stove stirring a bubbling pot of spaghetti. Water popped up in tiny hot bursts from the stainless steel pot and I lowered the heat slightly so it wouldn't boil over. I looked over at him with a watchful eye and replied "We've discussed this before." 

"You've been mad at me for years. Years!" He replied. "I've been a perfectly good dad. A damn good dad! Yeah! I didn't do anything wrong!" His volume increased as he spoke.... his words spilled out as if trying to convince himself of a past that didn't reflect reality. 

Seeing my father standing before me in denial, aging, broken and stubborn I felt bad for him. I felt bad for him because he had invested a perfectly good life on everything but what mattered and now stood claiming that he hadn't. I felt bad for him because I could wish to turn back time all day long, travel back in a time machine....  but once there.... there would be no victory in appeasing to him that he needed to divert from the path he was on... because it would invariably lead to heartache for him and all involved and straight to this moment where we stood in my kitchen. I had forgiven him a long time ago. And I was able to speak words of kindness that he hadn't always given me the benefit of. And yet in that I had since also kept him at arm's length out of the need for boundaries. 

The act of being put at arms length infuriated him. 

Forgiveness doesn't also include being willingly mistreated again and again. 

Our realities of the past clearly did not match up. And in that there is not a sentence I likely dislike more than: "There are two sides to every story." Perhaps undoubtedly true for some, but other times... there is the side of truth and there is the side of lies. 

In life we can choose to forgive and move on. It may seem impossible or be a struggle to forgive a parent who was undoubtedly abusive and who continually stands in denial he indeed was, hence wedging the knife in deeper.... but it's possible in honesty with God. 

In some cases the past may be able to be repaired... when parties acknowledge their failings and past inflicted abuse... honesty, self awareness and repentance...  it may lead to reconciliation, the hurts redeemed for all which is such a beautiful testimony to growth and joy. 

Family members who continually abuse always do it planted in justification... and the abuser who continually denies it ever happening doesn't feel guilt or sorrow as God intended.... they don't turn from their behavior.  

And yet the vicious cycle also continues when the grown child of an abusive parent admits to themselves, friends and their therapist their parent was abusive yet continues to place their abusive parent on a pedestal of backward sick idolatry to still gain their approval instead of knowing they already have God's. 





The truth is, it's up to the adult child to recognize this sick pattern and bring it to a halt. To realize that yes, you can love and pray for this person from afar. You can care for them at arms length. You can wish them well. You can keep your contact at minimum without guilt because loving them doesn't also mean being someone's punching bag, target or scapegoat. 

Sacrificing your own sanity, your own emotional health while catering to someone whose denying tearing you down like a house brick by brick, attempting to chisel you to their liking.... as you always attempt to quickly repair and rebuild is not healthy. You may look around one day and dismally realize you stand in a heap of crumbling bricks at your feet never making any progress. 

Close the door. 

Clean your house.

Send prayers and love their way. 

Rebuild brick by brick.

Know that forgiveness and healing are possible. 

And we have to take the chisel away from our parent so they stop chipping away at our heart. 

© ~ 2013 

this blog is dedicated to every child and every grown adult who despite the pain, despite the ugly words, despite the hurt, despite the bruises, despite the loss.... you can heal. 

Monday, November 18, 2013

Her Arm & Heart Were Broken Yet God Saw Her Need

Every time I pull onto my tree lined street the corner house makes me take notice. Take notice of what it's missing. It's the one yard on the block that lacks a tree leaving an empty spot that looks noticeably lacking next to the other's nearby.

I always think to myself "I wonder why they don't plant a tree?"

For what one person may notice in life and believe stands out with screaming significance another person may not even have on their radar.

Isn't that often what it must be like for God?

God always sees what we need.

Even though we may believe differently or not even notice.

Maybe we think we have it all figured out and know exactly what we need for ourselves when in reality we are so far off base it resembles nothing like God's plan for us.

Or perhaps we count on someone taking care of our needs that unfortunately doesn't.



 - some names have been withheld in this post - 

Rinsing my hands at the kitchen sink I reached out for the blue and white gingham dishtowel to dry my hands. As I did, I looked out the kitchen window, my eyes taking in the expansive shady flagstone patio with steps leading down to the grassy lawn below with perennial gardens trimming it's perimeter. Just past the towering pecan tree was my little sister on her new cherry red bike. She was bravely trying to keep her balance, clinging to the handlebars… with tiny spurts she was beginning to make leeway propelling herself forward with her feet on the pedals. It was when she attempted to maneuver a turn, she began losing her balance and precariously falling. Unable to catch herself, down she went, along with the bike too. 

Fully expecting her to get up, dust herself off and try again, I was instead surprised to see her struggling  to get up from the ground… to instead see her one arm disengaged in the effort…. uncooperatively refusing to help. Any pressure upon it caused her great visible pain and she resignedly stayed put on the ground cradling her hurt arm and looking up at the house with searching eyes for someone. I could faintly make out her crying plea for help and throwing down the dishtowel on the countertop I ran outside with a call over my shoulder to our parents that she was hurt. 

Approaching her sitting forlornly on the ground she squinted up at me in the bright sunlight and said her arm hurt, that she thought she might have broken it. Our dad strode up behind me as she spoke followed by my mother and youngest sister. He briskly told her to get up which was met with her plaintive cry that she couldn't, that her arm was hurt and likely broken. Angrily repeating his order to get up, she bit her lip and winced…  getting up with tears rolling down her cherub face. 

We all watched in our familiar horrified detachment as he snatched up the bike from the ground and walked purposefully to the garage declaring this wasn’t going to happen again, that clearly she couldn’t even ride it without falling off of it. Her new shiny red bike was tossed angrily into the garage by our father like a discarded piece of trash. He never once stopped to consider he was expecting too much of her. She’d never ridden a bike before. Now that she was well established in grade school he ridiculously expected her to know how and on the first attempt. Then he added insult to injury in that he saw she was hurting and refused to lend his hand and help her up. His anger she had gotten hurt… had wedged herself into a pickle took over any empathy that existed for her hurt arm that turned out was indeed broken. 

But it wasn't just her arm that was broken. 

It was her heart. 

She had needed his hand. 

She had needed his help. 

She had needed his love. 

She had needed his hand to wipe away her tear. 

She had needed kind words spoken to her with care. 

God saw what she needed even though her earthly father couldn't or didn't. 

He always sees a need.

And he does for you too. 

© ~ 2013 

this blog is dedicated to my sister - God loves you 

Even when someone doesn't give us what we need or when what we believed we needed doesn't come to fruition but instead another plan does…. we can remember that God always knows what we need in life. We can take comfort in this, remembering God not only knows what is best for us, but will give us a sustaining comfort we can count on from Him. 

And my God will meet all your needs according to the
 riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.
- Philippians 4:19 (NIV)

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Friday, November 15, 2013

When Marriage Equals Prostitution

names have been omitted in this post 



I sat curled on the couch under the cream blanket beside him, toasty warm, my long dark hair around my neck and shoulders like a winter scarf.... my body heat through many long layered tops meeting his own.... the large flat screen flashed ahead of us across the room and take out remnants from dinner were scattered across the brown Pottery Barn coffee table before us.... a late Saturday night dinner had consisted of piping hot soup, oversized loaded baked potatoes and muffins from Jason's Deli.... an indulgent carbohydrate dream for two. 

As the credits from the movie began rolling across the television screen and music swelled he stretched and rose from the cream leather couch. It wasn't long after putting away any leftovers and squaring things away for the night, checking on two children snoozing like contented kittens.... we made the climb together upstairs to the master bedroom. 

Intimacy was initiated and I was hesitant. 

The words "I bought you dinner" came at me with an irritated tone. 

Like this was business. 


Soon came his verbal release of "I did this...  x,y,z for you..." etc. 

It was attitude.
It was flesh. 
It was "let's make a deal".
It was selfish. 
It was wrong. 

I said words in return I never ever thought I'd say 
and was shocked by them as they snapped from my lips:

"I might as well have stayed with my rapist!" 

He stood there. 
Rage in his eyes.

How dare I. 

"That's right!" I yelled from across the bed at him,

"You do things for me based on the expectation of what you will get! You want to make a deal! You think if you buy me dinner you get sex! I don't want a marriage like that! That expectation! That backward mentality! Marriage is supposed to be about doing nice things for each other because you love them! Selfless! You make me feel like a prostitute! You make me feel dirty! You're my husband! At least with (rapist; name withheld) I knew what to expect! I knew what was expected of me!! I knew the rules! But I married you for love!! To love you! And then you do things for me purely based on getting sex!!" I yelled, then out of complete frustration added.... 

"How do you think that makes me feel?!?!!!!"

 I yelled at him, getting it all out… 
revealing long buried feelings now 
stark naked in all their honest ugliness. 

He stood there watching me…
His face changing from contorted 
scarlet anger to now cool detachment
and amusement, even disdain.

"You are fooling yourself." 
He nearly spat at me…
 "No man does anything just to be nice. 
Women always cost men money whether we date them 
or we marry them. Nothing is ever free." 
He told me with meanness dripping from his tone. 

"No..." I shook my head "I can't believe that. I refuse to believe that!" 
I nearly shrieked at him with absolute certainty and tears pooling in my eyes.  


Intimacy and sex within a marriage...


alongside Christ. 

When he's a Godly man and puts Christ first and foremost in the marriage, when he loves selflessly without strings attached and unconditionally as Christ he will be a shining beacon, a safe place for his wife to be with, to walk with, to lay beside and ultimately to revealing her body to without hesitancy but instead with uninhibited trust and joy. 

If he's representing the world with all it's lust and sin and self serving philosophies of "what can I get" or "what can I give" veiled in the malicious agenda of "what can I get".... he is not selflessly loving his wife which later reflects in the marital bed and leads to her feeling used, cheap and tarnished. 

A wife shouldn't be placed in a position where she feels the need to equip herself with a gun and wear an armor vest for protection while telling her husband: 

“Woman And Gun” by Pong via

"I don't do deals

If a man treats his wife as a sex object, as a trophy wife, as a dangling shiny charm of triumph on his arm out of his need for narcissistic supply.... he will pay the price and it won't just be in a monetary fashion. 

She pays the price too. 

He will be paying the price with a wife who gives sex out of dutiful guilt to submit to him not out of free joyous love. It will be a wife who doesn't trust him, doesn't respect him nor feels loved by him because if she can't be loved while on his arm on the street, in the car or in the kitchen why would she believe she could be loved by him undressed before his eyes in the marital bedroom? Of course she can't. So she pulls away, giving less and less in all areas, hence sinning too. He will be met with a divided wall between them, a headache, a shooing him away and if ultimately pressed a reluctant going through the motions by her with arms crossed out of self protection of her wounded heart. 

Is that the picture of love? 

Men, your approach matters. 
Get with God first. 
Then your wife. 

Leave the world behind. 

Let your selfless love shine

© ~ 2013 

              To My Readers: 

               Thank you for reading, 

             commenting and sharing!  

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Marriage, Love Languages And God


We all speak one.

Which one do you speak?

Maybe it's English, perhaps French or German.... maybe Vietnamese.

Whatever your language, there is one language everyone speaks....

That language being....


Dr. Gary Chapman the author of the New York Times bestseller book The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment To Your Mate has reportedly saved many marriages by teaching couples how to effectively share their needs and have them met by the one they love and have chosen to live their life with.

There are 5 Love Languages:

Words Of Affirmation
Acts Of Service 
Quality Time
Physical Touch 

You can take his quiz here to learn what your love language is:

What love language are you?

During my marriage my husband and I took the love language test and although we had been married twelve years at that point it soon confirmed one of the issues we had had during our marriage. I remember feeling admittedly frustrated by the results because we were predictably at complete opposite love languages. His top love language was physical touch. My last love language was physical touch.

Being an encourager is personally important to me.... cheering on those who have had difficulties when maybe the only words their heart has ever heard were negatively piercing ones... because so often the ugly words we hear as children are what later echo in our heads. Yet that doesn't translate to later in life the one we marry placing value in hearing words of life spoken by us as we share this gift.

When the one we marry values physical touch first and foremost and giving it is last on our own list, it creates great challenges in a marriage. Because their need for physical touch is constant... anything from a pat on the back, holding hands to sex, for someone who doesn't require much of the same it can be exhausting and perhaps we may even begin to view our spouse as extremely needy and high maintenance.

It was a struggle for me initially to swallow this bitter pill.... to admit that yes, I had married someone whose primary love language was touch and how excruciatingly needy it came across to me. Meanwhile, I had been jumping like a frenzied cheerleader for over a decade with words of encouragement to him... I might as well have had a megaphone and done cartwheels through the kitchen every time I expressed kudos loud and proud on his latest career achievement upon his arrival home, when he mowed the yard, took out the trash, showered him with words of appreciation when he picked me up my favorite donut at Starbucks and put the toilet lid down. It was considered a good day in my eyes when we cuddled on the couch under a blanket to eat take out, talk and watch a movie.... because it equaled valuable quality time spent together. I was practically screaming my top two love languages to him for years and yet although I was patting myself on the back quite proudly my words were apparently falling on nearly deaf ears by him as he panted in heat like a puppy. 

It wasn't his love language. 

Upon seeing our results from the love language tests we took I began making the necessary changes (even though I felt as though I was in foreign territory) and speaking his language more....

And yet in that I believe it's extremely important that we know the difference between meeting our spouses needs in terms of their top love language and enabling an addiction. 

A puppy with needs versus a sick puppy.....
Addiction is when a need for something has crossed the line into unhealthy territory. We all have a need for love, food and sex. But when a need becomes consuming and all encompassing.... when we become addicted to love and engage in a string of meaningless relationships, when we eat too much, trying to fill an unmet need deep within... when we have obsessive compulsive behaviors that translate to sex so frequent it drains the ones we love or dabble in porn it takes away.... it all breeds death not life. 

A narcissist is often also a sex addict and with sex addiction comes an expectation of sex many times a day, tasteless groping of his wife with unclean words spoken, porn, cybersex, sex with women whose names he doesn't know, prositutes and empty affairs. It's entitlement and sickness and for a wife who feels nudged to submit more to her husband, to give him more and more after realizing or confirming her husbands top love language is physical touch it can have catastrophic results....

She will one day upon discovering his dirty secrets realize she can never ever fulfill him. It's not possible. There is an empty hole deep within him that will never be filled. He needs help to overcome and that comes from repentance, a willingness to change and a plea to God. 

It's not a reflection of her

She's not a bad wife. She has tried and tried, willingly made the changes she could, that were in her power to convey her love to him in the way he desires, in his love language. And yet she's merely tossing pennies in the wind that never make it to the fountain of life. 

Granted, all love languages are important to everyone, we need all of them even if we may find ourselves dismissing the importance of one or two. Because at the end of the day who doesn't enjoy an engulfing hug from the one we love and giving one to them? We all need and on some level desire that intimate connectivity with our spouse.... just because physical touch is last on our list doesn't equate to us being cold.... often any issues seem to revolve more around timing, frequency and approach than passionate desire. 

We all have a primary love language
 along with a close runner up. 

I actually fleetingly entertained the thought of how if I had it to do over again and could interview a potential mate on their love language that would have saved a lot of grief and anguish, right?

Most importantly though so could screening for sex addictions.
And narcissism. 

Because those don't bear fruit or give life.

***** And yet the biggest issues in a person's life 
aren't the issues themselves
 but their self awareness and 
willingness to overcome them. *****

Let's remember this... 

Love is work. Lots of it and God chiseling each of us to meet our spouses needs. To love them not just in our own way (which yes, since were perhaps by human nature a bit biased we probably think our way is pretty great.... and yes, absolutely well-intentioned) but yet also in their way.... to meet their needs not just by route of our own.

That's choosing to love. 

That's choosing to serve. 

That's saying today:

"I choose to give you what maybe isn't easy for me
 but I'm doing it because you are worth it.... 
and better than that.... 
we are worth it." 

© ~ 2013 

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