We were best friends.
However brief in the overall scheme of life.
A few years that were undoubtedly fun filled but at the eleventh hour completely unthreaded like a snagged wool cardigan. It was a friendship of laughs… of shopping for outfits and oh's and ah's at The Limited…. wine on patio's with cute waiter's and pizza pulled from wood fired ovens… it was decorating her apartment and gorging on tacos followed by Ben & Jerry's watching Water For Elephants… it was sharing devotionals and handbags…it was giggling like two school girls in Walgreens over who knows what in Naples on vacation… it was running in the rain and shrieking with laughter from a night out listening to a mariachi band…
When I filed for divorce life threw a curve ball I wasn't expecting…
A curve ball that no one tells you could potentially hit you during a divorce.
Losing your bestie.
Reality Changes…
Everything you've known in the past may no longer stand as it did and reality begins nagging at you in the back of your mind like a rough comb… causing you to begin to take a second look… scrutinizing all your relationships a little more intently.
Words were hurled at me that were more judging and less than compassionate. Words of how I basically needed to hurry up and heal because the dark ugly nastiness that I was holding in during the months following filing were raining on her parade of newly wedded bliss. I began noticing that more casual friends, (aside from my other two closet friends I'd known since forever and my mother) even acquaintances, even the Facebook friend who rarely reached out, were all more supportive than her…. sending me a red flag that something surely was not right. Conversations became distant… with her new life much too busy for me and eventually me just withholding information and emotions when there was contact however minimal because I didn't want to intrude on her buoyant nest of two… so I sucked it all in and pasted thick buttercream happy on my face and in my tone.
Being Single During Healing…
It was like suddenly being seen as this dark rain cloud walking around that no one wanted getting near them for fear they'd get wet with the dirty black rain of divorce… others veered off to the opposite side of the street avoiding eye contact… it was this new strange world where you're single and that equates to most in their minds images of beers cheerily shared on patios under twinkling lights and moonlit dates… instead the new reality of singleness brings Saturday nights at home, mismatched socks, a bulky sweater, gaining twenty pounds from stuffing muffins in your face as fast as you can while watching Joey Fatone on t.v. make some dish of whatever and then falling asleep with your deceased sister's stuffed lion clutched under your arm like a five year old because that's all you've got to hug at bedtime. It's that and so much more… the tears, the anger and the heart wrenching disappointment that yes, life turned out like this… the complete opposite of what you wanted.
You wonder why someone that was your so called best friend would not be there… that found the ugliest time of your life just too ugly for them… you find out she's been communicating with "the other side" and his posse and it hurts. This. is. not. acceptable. Loyalty, as we know is valuable and you've now understandably put an incredibly extra high value on it due to your ex's infidelities and certainly can't handle disloyalty from her… someone you trusted, someone you love, someone you had faith in that was praying for both sides yet cheering for you as a bestie would. Your words of how you're hurt fall on deaf ears. She doesn't care. Just like that. Poof! She's gone. And now she's at his home… your old home. with your children. part of his world now and out of yours.
You will always cherish the memories you shared. You still care for her, hoping things are going well… and pray that God is blessing her in every way.
You also know this...
You would have held her and let her sob until her mascara ruined her face.
You would have let her ruin the shoulder of your silk blouse in a cloud of tears as she wept.
You would have clasped her hand while reading God's word to her.
You would have bought her the pint of ice cream and an extra to tuck in her fridge for a rainy day.
You would have not tried to fix or reprimand but just listened to all the ugliness leaving her sweet hurt heart in a heaving mess of choked tears.
You would have taken her shopping and told her "Daniel Craig would make you the next Bond girl for sure! Buy that dress."
You would have sent her funny cards to cheer her up and agreed that yes, some men behave like swine.
You would have told her that even in her anger, her hurt, her disappointment, her fury, her despair… that she is amazing, that she is valuable, that she will be victorious, that yes, she is LOVED by God and will go on to live a beautiful life, that He has a sweet plan for her and that you love her.
Today I'm telling all these things to you:
That divorce doesn't define you.
The pain and heartache doesn't define you.
You are loved and are not some subspecies or flawed person incapable of being loved.
You are already chosen by one man…. Jesus. He died to know you and without a doubt loves you even if you don't have it all together… even with mascara running down your face, even if your hair is a hot mess and you swear you just gained five pounds downing that divine chocolate cake…
He doesn't care.
You are His best friend.
Always and forever.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013
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