Divorce: 3 Lessons Learned

 image “Hand Of A Man And Woman Tearing Apart Heart Symbol” by Sira Anamwong via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Divorce

Yes, it is a life changer. Anyone who has been through it knows that with it comes a complete upheaval of your life. But it doesn't have to be all bad. For both men and women it has it's challenges, no doubt but with those we can remember to cling to several lessons divorce teaches us.

Lesson #1: 

Learn to trust yourself, your instincts and personal wisdom. 

Give yourself credit. 

After divorce we become better at choosing what behaviors we will and won't put up with. When we go through a divorce, unless it was amicable more than likely there was a significant unhealthy dynamic between us and our soon to be ex. Maybe one person was a narcissist, even worse a sociopath… in that case the personality disordered individual was downright toxic to be married to. Anyone who has experienced the toxic abuse of an ex knows firsthand the challenges in coping with someone who isn't healthy. That being said… when it comes to implementing no contact with an ex who has proved time and time again through his or her actions that you shouldn't engage with them… that thinking may very well carry over into other relationships as well. When I was invited to a reunion a few years ago, I declined going. One relative in particular was up in arms about it, attempting the guilt trip routine but I stood firm. Even my sister voiced her concerns I wasn't attending it. It wasn't until after she had fought highway construction, the added stress of finding an area she wasn't familiar with and terrible late night traffic with her young children in tow going and coming back to attend said reunion did she text me later that night saying I'd made the right choice and in hindsight she wish she'd declined as I had. There was zero ill will towards these relatives… it's just that jumping through hoops and giving of your time to be with folks who then behave indifferently isn't healthy. I had empathy for her, saw her effort and desire for a different outcome yet had known it wouldn't go well based on past actions. Just because we don't wish to engage with others doesn't mean we can't wish them well. We often learn to re-evaluate and value our time, our needs and wants more after giving too much to the wrong people. Tapping into our instincts we have about others is something we certainly have the right to and should do. Trust your gut. Forming boundaries with others is essential and not swaying when we shouldn't is even more vital. Divorce helps us become stronger, to say no more often and when needed, to take more initiative in our life as the captain of our own ship… we are fully capable of making the decision of who stays on board and who doesn't.

Lesson #2: 

Be the parent you always wanted to be and make your child's

 remaining childhood the best you can. 

After divorce we certainly have the opportunity to become better parents. If we had children during the course of our marriage we know if the union wasn't great that tension may have trickled into our parenting as well. Stress, anxiety, walking on eggshells from a toxic spouse may have left us snapping at our children or merely wanting to just zone out on the couch to decompress. Since being divorced I feel more relaxed in my parenting… meaning less stressed out. Once were single and rid of all the stress that we experienced before we may surprisingly and pleasantly find ourselves calmer and more connected with our children. Having more energy now that isn't expended on trying to calm or tip toe around an abusive/indifferent spouse leaves us with much more for our children. Creating a more peaceful environment for our children and having that extra energy for play means more opportunities to connect and have fun which translates to a happier, more well adjusted, nurtured child. At the end of the day children don't really care about living in the bigger house, having the nicer car or wearing the designer clothes… what they want are the three things money can't buy… their parents time, attention and love.

Lesson #3: 
Say goodbye to negative thinking patterns that do nothing but make you feel trapped. 
You hold the power to new thinking. 

Several times during the course of my divorce and in it's aftermath of finalization I began sinking into what I'd call catastrophic thinking. No one could really blame anyone for going into this negative mindset regarding divorce… there are many days we literally feel like we won't make it another day much less another hour. It's so incredibly easy for depression to set in… especially if were already prone to it due to family history, ADHD, etc. Catastrophic thinking is comparable to quick sand… you dip your toe in with one or a few bad self-defeating thoughts and before you know it… yikes, you're full blown drowning in that mess… and it's harder than heck to get yourself out of it once you're in it. 

Catastrophic thinking is the false idea that:

 "IT WON'T EVER GET BETTER!", "I CAN'T DO THIS!", "I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FINANCIALLY SUPPORT MYSELF!", and "I'LL NEVER MEET ANYONE!", "NO ONE WILL WANT ME NOW!!", "I NO LONGER HAVE A TRADITIONAL FAMILY!", "WHAT AM I GONNA DOOOOOOO?!", "MY LIFE IS OVER!!!", "I WON'T EVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD OUTBACK AGAIN!" (If you're addicted to Bloomin Onions you know that's a true concern).  But, seriously, deep breaths… it's no wonder you're perhaps thinking like this… you're going through a MAJOR LIFE CHANGE and that can send us into a spiral, to begin having panic attacks and needing reassurance that it's all going to be okay. I'm here to tell you today: 

 IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. 

Yeah, you might need to readjust the finances… more than likely you aren't going to be living at the same level you were. But you are still here. Deep breath. God is not done with you… you are here and when you can't take another step He will renew your strength to power on. You might need to frequent the Dollar store for your kids to have activities to do. You might need to live off canned chicken and dollar bread for awhile… mayonnaise and parmesan cheese might become luxury items. You might need to go without buying any new clothes for a year. Or two. Or three. You may have to sell items from your old life to pay for things you need in your new life. You may have a Birkin from your old life and yet be eating ramen noodles. It happens. 

Yes, you will meet new people… you're going to be pleasantly surprised when God puts certain people along your path that have been through similar trials… and who knows… you may meet someone who sings a song your sweet heart knows and even better… fall in love with him or her and share a new life you are both blessed to live. 

The next time catastrophic thinking knocks at your door… realize that's a conversation the devil wants to engage you in… it's a talk that goes nowhere but down and takes you with it. Rebuke those negative thoughts and remember that nothing remains exactly the same… were all in motion… even in tiny steps… were all moving forward and circumstances that seem hopeless today will change and improve bit by bit. God has you and even in the darkest days He is there. 

You aren't worth less because divorce has caused your life to change. The things you can and cannot do don't define you. Your faith, your courage in the midst of uncertainty and pressing on… being there for your children and taking care of yourself so they have the best mommy or daddy possible is what matters. Your perspective will shift. Those fancy pillows at Pottery Barn won't seem so important… that gotta have it piece of jewelry at Macy's won't be a priority… divorce forces us to get back to basics… to making popsicles for our kids, playing tic-tac-toe and reading outside on a blanket under a shade tree. Hug your children and remember more than ever they need you right now… that's why it is so important to practice self care during and even in the aftermath of divorce. Make sure you're getting plenty of sleep, (nap if you need to) take your medications regularly as prescribed, pray, exercise, take Vitamin D, eat as healthy as possible and take time for yourself… sports, movies, whatever helps you decompress… reading, bubble bath, funny sitcoms, crafting, gardening, journaling, etc. If you believe you are depressed seek the help of your doctor in finding a medication that would best suit you… have your Vitamin D levels checked and make sure you have a support system in place of people that know and understand what you're going through. Check out DivorceCare at a local church if you're not already a member… it's extremely helpful to find people who will share their faith and similar circumstances for support and fellowship. 

Divorce is a life changer no doubt. 

But one of the best things about it is now you are the leading lady or man. 

Not your ex husband. 

Not your ex wife. 

Not your ex-mother in law.

It's your time now.
It's your time to dive into who you were destined to be… 
It's a new beginning… 
Be brave… 
Take God by the hand and jump in. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading,

commenting and sharing! 

Leaving An Abusive Partner: 30 Tips For An Exit Plan

“Unhappy Young Woman” by David Castillo Dominici 

via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

October 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

*****************

I checked my iPhone upon hearing the ping and saw it was yet another text from the guy I was dating. He was letting me know that he had purchased tickets to see Puscifer at the Majestic in Dallas in November and wanted me to join him. I wasn't familiar with the band but he shared with me it's connection to Tool which I was vaguely familiar with. 

Him sending me the lyrics to his favorite song I read them with pause… 

I am just a worthless liar.

I am just an imbecile.

I will only complicate you.

Trust in me and fall as well.

I will find a center in you.

I will chew it up and leave,

I will work to elevate you

Just enough to bring you down.

- Tool 

Was this not what was to come? 

Was this not precisely how a sociopath worked? 

To elevate you just enough to bring you down? 

Was this the past about to happen yet again?

Was this not the opposite of love? 

Was this the self-hatred of a personality disordered individual 

used in fueling their agenda to destroy? 

Those lyrics summed up so

 much in such a small space. 

Eight simple yet intricate lines that wrought

 growingly complicated pain. 

Yes, in the end it proved to be true and certainly 

what came in my last relationship and my marriage. 

***************

A narcissistic sociopath is capable of many things… lying, cheating, abuse, stalking… and yes, even in some extremes, the most dangerous on the spectrum of disorder; a psychopath who is capable of murder… think Ted Bundy. Sociopaths and psychopaths both disregard the law, morals, the needs of others, guilt and remorse… charm, manipulation and entitlement run rampant with these toxic personality disordered individuals. 

“Let’s say I committed this crime, even if I did, it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?"

-  O.J. Simpson

Abuse and murder is not love. 

An abuser believes he (or she) is not complete without the other person, that they cannot survive without them.  "If I can't have you no one will have you." They adhere to jealousy and control; believing that being a man means having total and complete control and compliance from their partner. An abuser thinks rigidly and is not able to see other's points of view; they are right and unable to see gray areas; compromising and discussion is not done.

When a psychopath takes someone's life they may try to plead insanity. But we know that this couldn't be further from the truth. To be considered legally insane one must not know the crime or murder they are committing is illegal. Psychopaths however KNOW they are committing an act that is illegal. The fact of the matter is: they don't care. They lack remorse. They lack guilt. They lack shame. This is willful blatant sin. 

This post is for those who need an exit plan to leave an toxic partner. Women are typically not as physically strong as men… when we watch the news each night we see countless women who are being murdered merely because their spouse or soon to be ex-spouse decided they would inflict further control and prevent them from leaving…. thus killing them. The fact is… women are at their highest risks of being murdered during two times in their life:

1) being pregnant 

2) leaving an abusive relationship

More than 90 percent of women murdered by men are killed by someone they know. source

The fact that women are being robbed of a new chapter, a chance of real happiness, health and peace… that they are prevented from regaining their freedom from a toxic relationship and even losing their ability to raise their children should outrage not just women but men as well. These women are someone's daughter, sister, niece, etc. These women are valuable, precious people that deserve to live a life free of ugly words, emotional manipulation and physical abuse.

Yet there are men who are abused by their partners as well… often these men continue to "take" the abuse because they would never dream of hitting a female back (even in self defense)… so they stay, hoping for change or escape. Often people say domestic violence could never happen to men. But that's not true.  

No one deserves to live a life like that; 
male or female. 

Specifically, statistics show that the vast majority of murders of women are by men they intimately know. Regardless, this post of tips can be applied to men as well wanting to escape an abusive marriage or relationship.


30 Tips For An Exit Plan:

1. Document, document, document; it can't be stated enough. Journals, (with dates) texts, (screenshots printed) emails, recordings, photos, etc. Stash them in a safe deposit box (choose a bank you don't normally use) a trusted family member or friend has access to.
2. Have a safe place to go; a friends home, family members, local women's shelter, etc.
3. Always be ready; keep your vehicle fueled, backed in or pulled into the parking space ahead, keep an extra set of car keys somewhere safe; with a trusted person or the safe deposit box. Staying in your home isn't wise, it's best to find a new location; if you choose to stay in your home at minimum change the locks and install cameras. Get a security system. Use it diligently.
4. Have cash set aside and in a safe place. Don't use bank accounts; they can be traced.
5. Always have a hard copy of trusted people's phone numbers and addresses.
6. Utilize the lock on your cell phone.
7. Have a bag of clothes; hoodie, cap, scarf and essentials; toothbrush/paste, feminine products, medicine, etc hidden in your vehicle or stashed with a trusted friend/family.
8. Keep all important documents for you and your children; papers like a passport, marriage license, medical records, taxes, car title, birth certificates, bank account information, social security cards, etc in a safe deposit box.
9. Take all precious photos and things of sentimental value; scrapbooks, albums, special things your children made.
10. Place your wedding ring, other valuable jewelry and your laptop in a safe deposit box; you may need to sell the jewelry later for money.
11. Family computer; erase all history on it. Create a false trail for your abuser... do a search for a hotel in the opposite direction you'll be staying.
12. Buy mace; carry it on you.
13. Take a self defense class/ training course and get your CHL; buy a gun if you feel you need one but keep in mind the risk of your abuser getting it from you.
14. Get a protective order; keep a copy on you and an extra in the safe deposit box.
15. If you believe your spouse or ex could potentially kill you; write a statement that if you are found dead for investigators to look at your spouse/ex as a prime suspect. Keep this in a safe deposit box.
16. Have a new will drawn up.
17. Have your vehicle checked for a GPS tracking system; have it ripped it out and keep it/photograph it for evidence. Download an app called TimeStamp to take all photos with the date and time on them for documenting everything you need to document.
18. Don't share your new location with anyone you can't fully trust.
19. Dump your cell phone and buy a new one.
20. Change up your typical routes and remove any easily identifying stickers on your vehicle.
21. Get a P.O. Box.
22. Make it clear to the school administration who can and cannot pick up your children.
23. Always ensure no one is following you. Stay public; do child exchanges if you must at McDonald's or the police station where cameras are present; never at your home.
24. Use a new pharmacy and dry cleaners. Change grocery stores.
25. Utilize the "block" feature on your cell phone; always hide your caller ID. Block the contacts you don't want contacting you; your spouse/ex, his or her friends and family etc.
26. Inform where you work of your situation. Park up front where your vehicle is visible to anyone tampering with it.
27. At your new location; have camera's installed. Lorex makes a good camera (you can purchase it at Best Buy) that enables you to screenshot any suspicious activity recorded. Again, get a security system.
28. Have a doorbell installed that includes video/recording; SkyBell (Target sells one as well).
29. Have your doors reinforced; wood doors can be kicked in; get steel doors with large slide locks.
30. Have photos of your spouse/ex and their vehicle/license plates and drivers license if needed for police.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

To help bring awareness and change to domestic violence click here

To My Readers:
Thank you for reading,
commenting and sharing!

Cheating: 50 Shades Of Lies ~ 5 Reasons To Not Keep Him

Domestic Violence: When It Happens In Your Family

When He Says: "You Complete Me"

The Narcissistic Sociopath: When You Unknowingly Enter The Discard Phase

“Love Triangle” by marin via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

names have been omitted in this post

Spring 2011

************

"I'm NOT going!" I yelled at him as I tossed makeup and personal items like hairspray and deodorant into my vanity drawer in the bathroom… slamming the drawer shut with a loud bang.

"Oh, yes you ARE!" My husband retorted back at me angrily as he proceeded to smooth Rogaine on his receding hairline in front of the bathroom mirror.

"And WHY is that?!" I exclaimed in likewise anger… then added "I see no reason for me to go to your stupid twentieth high school reunion. You know I hate stuff like that! It's just a bunch of people standing around comparing notes on how everyone's done in life. It's all superficial." I told him.

"You're going because you're my WIFE! That's why! I'M going… so YOU'RE going!" He yelled back in mounting frustration like I was a petulant three year old child that wouldn't just shut up and behave. He took extra care to comb his hair in place that was still damp from his shower and then proceeded to brush his teeth… like some kind of animal he brushed… the tooth brush bristles were frayed like a dog had chewed on them… it reminded me of my dad's toothbrush when I was little.

"That's just the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard! Just because you decide to go doesn't mean I need to! Just because were married doesn't mean we have to be hitched at the hip! You always expect me to tag along to this crap… business dinners, company parties… and I'm freaking SICK OF IT! Grow up! Grow some balls! Go by yourself!" I yelled at him completely over what I perceived to be his extreme neediness and control. "You know… you got off the hook completely… I haven't taken you to a single reunion. I went and picked up my diploma from the school and was done with it! How nice for YOU!!!" I added with a tone of nasty sarcasm.

"Jennifer! JENNIFER!!!" He chastised me. "What part of this do you NOT understand???!!! YOU ARE GOING!!! PERIOD!!! IT'S NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION!!!"

With that… he walked off. Like he always did. Conversation over.

**************

The night finally arrived… the night of his much dreaded twentieth high school reunion. It was going to be held in a room at the convention center downtown… lame name badges and whispered glances ensued as we walked in. I had spent an inordinate amount of time getting ready… hair flat ironed, little black dress, glowing tanner from a bottle, makeup and nails… and painful heels… all of it I'd done to "make him happy" and shut him up when I would have preferred to be at home in my pajamas, hair in a bun and eating a box of cookies in front of the tv or reading a book. But instead I was on his arm internally rolling my eyes at the scene before me. A few people mingled around with their drinks but it seemed for the most part the majority stayed in selective huddles. As I scanned the room, inside I fumed and resentment grew that I was there. Marriage sucked alright, I thought to myself. At least it did with him, I thought, giving him a side glance of contempt.


We slowly made our way across the room past various groups toward the opposite side where a long white clothed table of catered food was spread out and a bartender stood ready to serve drinks. I noticed that with the exception of his best friend and two women no one initiated conversation with him. It was becoming more and more obvious that we were on our own. Awkward didn't even begin to touch how it felt. I began to wonder what the deal was when the photographer hired began to encourage everyone to move to the staircase and choose a spot for a group photograph. I stood over to the side by the long stretch of windows that looked out at the downtown bustle… couples walked by dressed up to go to dinner and maybe see a show… couples who were having a good time and heads were bent toward one another in closeness and intimate conversation, occasional laughter and genuine smiles. With a drink in my hand I turned back to the room and observed as the class reunion took their places on the staircase and smiled for photo after photo to be taken. A few minutes later the crowd was breaking up from their photo session and it was then I felt someone beside me. A man to my left. I turned slightly to glance over at him.

"What a night, huh?" He smiled easily at me holding a beer, his eyes twinkling at the nostalgia of it all.

"Yeah… " I replied "Is this your class?" I asked him not sure if he was one of the graduates or was a spouse of one.

He smiled and nodded "Yeah… it's been a pretty great night getting to catch up with everyone. Crazy. I can't believe it's been twenty years, you know?"

I nodded "I'm sure… "

"So… who are you here with? Who is your husband?" He asked me with curiosity.

I looked at him and told him my husband's name.

It was then that his face dropped. No smile. No niceties. No anything. His expression turned from laid-back and friendly to immediately tense. He stared at me as if he wanted to say something. But instead he brushed past me and walked away. Just like that he was gone without a word or explanation. I stood there trying to collect my thoughts in bewilderment. I didn't understand what on earth had just happened. One minute everything was fine and the next… not so much. I took a sip from the small clear plastic cup I held in my hand… and tried to process what had just happened. Clearly there was some reason he had acted that way… there was some reason why my husband's name made him walk off without a word. Little did I know then that the rest of the evening would prove to be disastrous… people weren't interacting with us… and I began to voice that I was ready to leave. "In a minute" I was told despite his attempts at letting people know all about his work, where he lived and what he drove. I was becoming increasingly frustrated and alarmed that obviously there was some valid reason why at least ninety percent of these people were not making an effort to reminisce about high school with him or even what they had been up to the past twenty years.


Eventually we departed… after much of my tugging on his arm to "come on, were leaving(!)" out of embarrassment for him. I hadn't wanted to come yet at the same time I was so completely unprepared for how the evening had played out… and it left me with more questions than answers. Why did it feel like I had entered the twilight zone when I'd stepped into that room that night? I asked him... "Is there something you haven't told me?" and "Why do none of these people seem to want to interact with you?" and "Did you do something to make these people so blatantly dislike you?"


Avoidance ensued. Silence. Glancing at his profile as we walked along the now emptying sidewalks of downtown in the windy night I detected growing irritation from him mixed with a set jaw and an ego that had been knocked to the ground if not lower. Something changed that night. I felt it then but didn't really understand it fully until much much later… over a year and a few months later into my divorce. Hindsight is a funny thing. Later that night enduring a horse and carriage ride along the quaint downtown streets with him and his best friend and his girlfriend we all sat in near silence. Internally I  questioned how on earth I was with this person. It was like he had been outed for the jerk he was… I was just late to get the memo… over ten years late but it was received that night. And he knew it. That night looking back… I see so clearly now I unknowingly entered the discard stage by him. Slowly but painfully I was being viewed by him as the problem… I wasn't as young as I once was… I wasn't as this or that… I wasn't as willing to just say "okay" anymore and acquiesce to him and whatever he wanted to do. I had become more and more vocal and he didn't like it. That night he knew I no longer saw him as I once had… any remaining view of him in a positive light at that point was extinguished like a smutty cigarette. I saw him fully for who he was. And it wasn't pretty.


Discard: 

When the narcissistic sociopath has realized the relationship he's had with you has come to an end. He (or she) has used up every bit of good in you… they've taken your self-worth, your happiness, your peace, your confidence, your personal boundaries, your dignity, maybe even your support system…

Even if you are the one who leaves first either by walking away or filing for divorce, you are still suffering from the emotional fallout of a toxic relationship as you now realize with painful clarity that it was all fake, a fraud, his (or her) love was not real… it was merely a show to gain narcissistic supply to feed their infantile and sick ego.

The best news is eventually you can get to a healthier place… leaving is the first step. As time goes on and with therapy, self care and lots of support from friends and family… you can live the great life you imagined… experiencing real love, a life without tension, anxiety and eggshells… and feel physically better too. A narcissistic sociopath may discard you for what they believe to be a better choice but with that comes something even greater for you… your freedom.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

What Every Daughter Needs To Hear From Her Parents

“Dad And Daughter Playing Airplane” 

by imagery majestic via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Daughters.

From the moment they are conceived we as parents have so much hope for them.

We hope for a smooth birth, on-target developmental milestones, a childhood of sweet memories, a solid education, a relationship with Christ, a circle of loving folks who care about them… people who have their best interests who pray for and help guide them to adulthood.

Then one day they meet a man…

and they get engaged to soon marry.

We, along with our daughter, may fall into the woozy trap of pre-wedding bliss… becoming wrapped up in the dizzying spin of wedding plans… bridal registry, gifts, dresses, color schemes, venues, cakes and vows… we become all-consumed with helping to choose the right invites, the most flattering photographer and the best honeymoon destination.

As parents we are there, side by side… helping, guiding and giving input, albeit perhaps not always wanted… we are fluttering about, worrying about details that perhaps are not really truly important at the end of the day but that seem so then.

But in all those moments… in all those whirlwind days of shopping, of ohhh's and awe's… there were without a doubt a moment or two that brought tears to your eyes… a moment or two that pulled your heartstrings… that made you think to yourself: I want to freeze time; this moment with her.

And then, it's gone. Just like that.

But there is one moment as a parent you really need to have with your daughter.

Before you proceed to walk her down the aisle on that save the date…

Before you clasp her sweet hand in yours and lean in to whisper "I love you"…

Before you nod to the groom and peck her blushed cheek as you give her away…

Please take a moment… take one moment to tell your daughter this:

"You're always welcome back home." 


Granted, you may like the man she's marrying… you may steadfastly believe that she's about to become one with an honorable, kind, trustworthy and faithful man. You may hold him in high esteem and already consider him to be like a son to you. You may have already seen him handle difficulties with your daughter with grace, understanding and love. You may have already seen him as a mixture of strength and sweetness when your daughter has admittedly been less than lovely. You may have already witnessed his ability to admit he was wrong in a humble manner. You may have complete faith that this couple is fully capable of putting Christ first and keeping their covenant sacred above all other relationships. You may with complete certainty believe he loves her without a doubt… with his whole heart and would without question lay down his own life in any situation for your daughter.

BUT… WHAT IF YOU'RE WRONG?

What if he's not who you think he is?
What if he's not truly who he's portrayed himself as?
What if he is not anything like what you believe him to be?


All fathers… all parents need to have an all important conversation with their daughter when they marry… that in the event this man is not who he has claimed to be… that if indeed this man turns out to be a walking nightmare… if his mask falls bit by bit after the wedding day… or even years down the road… she needs to be told in no uncertain words she is always welcome back home.


She needs to be told she does not have to take abuse.
She needs to be told she doesn't have to "suck it up and keep trying."
She needs to be told she doesn't have to worry you won't want her back.
She needs to be told that cheating doesn't have to be
 "tolerated" and swept under the rug.
She needs to be told she doesn't have to be concerned with such frivolous things like how she and two children would merge back into your home…
even if only for an interim because they are ALWAYS welcome.
She needs to be told that you will not be angry with her.
She needs to be told "It will be okay and we will figure it out."
She needs to be told that you will be there for her. Always. Any time day or night.
She needs to be told that it is okay to say "I made a mistake. I'm coming home."


One day you will "give away" your little girl… you will hand over your leadership, your protection, your financial providing... to her soon to be husband… entrusting he will step up to the plate and handle his responsibilities well.

Hopefully as your daughter's primary male role model, as her father, you have taught her that ultimately she is God's daughter; that she is worthy of being loved and loved well… that she is loved by Christ who died for her on the cross… that she has a Savior who adores her and in turn she has sought a man who reflects love.

But if for whatever reason her happily ever after ends up becoming the worst nightmare ever…

Let her know she is always welcome back home.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

5 Tips For Father's:

1. It's so important that fathers have developed an intentional disciple-type relationship with whom their daughter is planning to marry. You have an awesome opportunity to help guide this man spiritually and model being a good husband for him through your own actions.

2. Don't wait for your daughter's boyfriend to come to you asking for her hand in marriage… be proactive. Ask him what his intentions are; show him you take an active role in her life, not a passive one.

3. Today, we have so many jokes (at least in the South) about dad's being trigger happy regarding their daughters and whom their dating. But the truth is… above all father's need to have discernment; is the guy she's dating a genuinely good guy at heart, a believer, just spiritually still immature? There's a difference between that guy and a sociopath… it's essential for you to figure out which one he is.

4. Being honest with him in your conversations helps him see how you've grown in your role as husband and father. Admit to any stumbles you've had along the way and how your perspective has changed… being an emotionally and spiritually healthy man doesn't equate to never admitting faults.

5. Set expectations for how you believe she should be treated. Let him know in no uncertain terms that abuse at any time, in any way, shape, or form is not to be accepted… and that no matter how much you like someone she marries… if that happens your door is wide open for her to return at any time.

RELATED POSTS: 

A Father Impacts His Daughter's View Of God: 5 Tips For Dads

Talking To Your Child Regarding Their Parent's Poor Choices: 5 Tips

How To Be A Good Father: 7 Tips

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Domestic Violence: When It Happens In Your Family

12.7 million people are 
physically abused, 
raped or stalked 
by their partners
 in one year. 

That's approximately
 the population of 
New York & Los Angeles
 combined. 

That's 24 people 
every minute. 

facts via http://nomore.org

Thursday, July 29th, 1993

names have been omitted in this post 

this post contains some language

*****************

“Plate With Ripe Cherries” by Apolonia 

via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Ooh, child
Things are gonna be easier
Ooh, child
Things'll be brighter
Ooh, child
Things are gonna be easier
Ooh, child
Things'll be brighter
Some day, yeah
We'll put it together
And we'll get it undone
Some day when your head
Is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the
Rays of a beautiful sun
Some day when the world
Is much brighter
La la la la la…..


lyrics Ooh Child by Dino 


It was a typical night at home for my family growing up… it was summer, school was out and everyone was scattered, trying to stay out from under the radar and keep quiet. My mother was in my parents bedroom where she often stayed in the latter part of the evenings watching Seinfeld or reading her subscriptions of Southern Living magazine. She, likely from the stress of an unhealthy marriage and at the time undiagnosed celiac disease suffered from several autoimmune diseases… and would often retreat to bed. My two younger sisters were in the den curled up on the dark navy couch just outside my bedroom watching something on t.v., probably a favorite movie of my youngest sister's like All Dogs Go To Heaven. I was holed up in my blue and white Laura Ashley bedroom listening to a 90's mix of music as low as I could and still hear the lyrics with my door shut but not completely… just pushed enough to look like at first glance it was closed but in reality there was just enough of a crack to still hear what was happening in the rest of the house. Throughout my childhood I had always felt the need to be within earshot of what was happening in the rest of the house. My father was in the storage room where he'd set up a work table and spent most nights repairing frames for customers… hand mixing clay to replicate the engraved frames clients brought in that had become damaged due to time and neglect. Then he would begin the tedious process once they dried to match the finish to what already existed, spraying or hand painting it on, finishing with a clear coat of gloss.

But soon my sisters movie ended, the credits rolled and I heard them stirring to get up and get ready for bed. The den was cloaked in paneling that had never been painted white much to my mother's chagrin… it screamed of the original brown wood, of masculinity and was lined with shelves overhead of my entire collection of Nancy Drew books. Most families dens would contain a wall or two of cherished family photos… but not ours. Photos were absent in our house. The paneled walls in the den were covered in antique war posters our father collected. It was fitting… there was an unspoken war in our home. Along one wall caddy corner to the couch was a long slick maple table decorated with my mother's collection of scottie dog figurines… big and small black dogs adorned with sweet plaid ribbons round their necks stood at attention on the table along with a ceramic decorative bowl of plastic shiny cherries… a piece my mother had purchased from a Mary Englebriet collection at a Hallmark store.

It was when I heard some laughing between my two younger siblings and then a crash that I paused my music to listen. It sounded like pebbles that had been released all over the floor… what was that? I wondered and it was then that I heard the angry male footsteps coming. Oh no… I got up from my blue floral bedspread and walked to my door. Opening it halfway, I looked out. There was my younger, middle sister, eleven, with a pale expression on her face kneeling down hurriedly picking up the scattered cherries one by one. In one hand she had the bowl still miraculously intact… and was meekly placing the cherries back into it. She looked up as he came romping in mad as heck and he roared at her…  What the hell had she done? What had she broken? What was all the noise about? Rapid questions were fired and without any chance of sputtering out a coherent answer, she fled to her bedroom she shared with our youngest sister. He followed her through the living room with it's exquisite art and fine antiques, his heavy tread resounding on the wood flooring… and then down the hallway past the little antique wood stand the phone rested on… into the bedroom after her.

An expletive ran through my mind as I had knelt down to finish picking up the wayward cherries on the floor and it was when I heard my sisters panicked screams from her pink floral bedroom I raced through the house after him…

I nearly collided with my mother in the hallway who flew out of my parents bedroom, the door slamming open, her with a bewildered expression on her face… dressed in a pale blue and white pajama set and her hair in a chin length blonde bob she spoke "What the hell is going on?!" She demanded.

From down the hall I can hear my younger sister screaming:

 "It was an accident! I didn't mean to do it!"

"She accidentally knocked over your bowl of cherries in the den. Nothing is broken. He's out of his mind." I told her over my shoulder and continued down the hall toward the lit room. Upon standing in the doorway of the bedroom… on the far side of the room sat my sister, trapped in the corner on her bed trying to fend off him beating her, leaving bright red whelps on her arm and screaming like an unhinged psycho. She kept screaming "Stop it! Stop it! I didn't mean to knock it over!" Tears ran down her red-tinged face as she tried to protect herself with one arm raised… she continued to try to scramble further away from him into the corner but there was nowhere to go… she was essentially trapped.

My youngest sister was in her bed, her blonde brown hair and face peeking out from her pretty bedding with tears escaping telling him to stop but her plaintive cries like that of a baby lamb were barely heard over the chaotic fray.

My mother past me as I entered and strode up to him, screaming for him to stop hitting my sister. He turned to face my mother, his face angry and dark, boiling with fury that he was being called out on his behavior, on what he deemed appropriate discipline… in his mind she was overstepping her boundaries.

"You stop it right now!" She exclaimed.

He shoved her, causing her to stumble back slightly but she caught her balance. She didn't back down.  I stood absolutely shocked as she pushed him right back and yelled "Don't push me! Get out of here! Right now! GET OUT!" She screamed.

He stood there, every muscle on his face flinching like he was trying to determine how far he should go, how much he could push her. I knew if he pushed her again she'd land on the floor next time. I made the choice for him right then.

I had slowly backed down the hallway and rested my hand on the phone.

I now picked up the cordless phone and stepped in the doorway.

"You get out!"I snapped "Right now!" I told him "Or I swear I'll call the cops and have them come pick your ass up." I threatened him, trying to steady my voice… I never cursed… I would have gotten my butt whipped if I ever did, but I did that moment to let him know how serious I was. My entire body was trembling like a leaf… At sixteen it was the first time I'd gone up against my dad and set a boundary yet I knew he could snatch the phone from me in a nano-second if he wanted.

He stood there, glaring daggers at me. I glared right back. He looked around at all of us one by one… he knew he was outnumbered, he knew he was done. It was clear. His rage and abuse for one night was over. With a huff and flared nostrils he turned on angry feet and stormed out of the room, down the hall and from his dresser top I heard him snatch up his car keys. Seconds later I heard the front door slam shut and then tires squealing down the driveway into the summer night. He had left without a word. At least for the night. He'd be back. Now all we could hear were my sister's both sniffling…my mother fetched ice for my sister's arm and tissues for her tears and I was left shaking…  my mother's rant was heard throughout the house about him as she grabbed supplies… I was half hoping he wouldn't come back… and yet if he had to return, I hoped only as a better person.

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There is no excuse for abuse… 

domestic or any kind. 

You can take the pledge here 

as I did and say No More. 

Some may ask: 

"Why don't you leave?"

"Why don't you get out?"

There are many reasons why people in domestic violent relationships don't get out or feel they can. Let's say hypothetically your abuser has a "connection"… you'd likely feel stripped of choices, you'd feel trapped… maybe your father tells your mother anytime someone pisses him off: "All it would take is one phone call to have their kneecaps busted or their head blown off"… you would probably think twice about getting out, right? You'd probably acquiesce, back down. You probably wouldn't risk leaving until his "connection" died. 

But even if your abuser doesn't have a "connection"... An abuser is a constant threat of his own accord, as he (or she) uses threats as consistent bullying tactics of intimidation and control... keeping their target fearful and under their reign. If you're getting beat to a pulp it only stands to reason that you'd fear worse retribution if you left.

As many of us know protective orders are a worthless piece of paper. People don't stay in a domestic violent relationship because they want to. They stay because they are terrified of the alternative… of not being alive to enjoy the rest of their life… not being alive for their kids and risking their children ending up with some psycho or in foster care… because child protective services are not always adept and may make situations worse instead of better. And the one wanting out? They aren't big enough, strong enough to squash the toxic little roach their with… so they remain stuck… waffling between wanting the one their with to die or even themselves because their so miserable…  like a light that slowly fades out over time and with that light so does perhaps their hope of ever getting out. It's no hell anyone should have to live in. It's a prison. And if you're blessed enough to get out once you don't ever want to risk getting in it again.


Let's join together in saying no more to domestic violence… to domestic abuse of any kind.

Whether you're the abuser or the abused it's time to get help.

Because no one should have to live in despair.

God wants so much more for you.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

RELATED POSTS: 

The Narc's Family: 5 Ugly Little Secrets Behind Closed Doors

Father's: Shepherding His {Black} Sheep

Your Father May Kick You Out But God Won't

How To Be A Good Father: 7 Tips

Recovery From PTSD After Narcissistic Sociopathic Abuse: 13 Signs

“The Desperate Anxiety” by Naypong via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

names have been omitted in this post 

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After I filed for divorce in October 2012 nightmares were kickstarted. They continued through my divorce and even post finalization. Nightmares are nothing new to me. They first started after returning from leaving home and living with gang members at seventeen however fleeting. Back then my startle response was heightened, I couldn't relax and at any given moment I was ready to go into fight or flight like a ninja. Then in 2008 after my sister was killed unexpectedly by a drunk driver new nightmares ensued. Those were the worst, like something from a horror film leaving me waking up gasping in a twisted sweat. But the nightmares that came next on the heels of my divorce were by far the most bizarre; like something out of the movie Inception with buildings that shifted and moved, I was transported back into my old house trying to escape my ex as the three stories were in perpetual motion and I couldn't seem to find my way out…

I never thought for a minute someone could have post traumatic stress disorder, 

PTSD for short from a less than emotionally healthy marriage…

Years ago I wasn't aware that someone could have PTSD from a rape, from a toxic marriage or from enduring the loss of a loved one in a horrific wreck. I had always thought that PTSD was only possible from being in a war… as is often spoken about war veterans. But there is a far and wide spectrum of the severity of PTSD and the source of it's cause.


PTSD is when our minds have not fully processed what we've experienced… our systems are confused and cannot seem to differentiate real threats from false ones; our circuitry has become muddied and we feel frightened, even threatened when there is no longer danger present. Each of us reacts differently to trauma so we are wholly unique in our responses to it. The help and support system we receive (or lack thereof) may also contribute to if or how someone develops PTSD. Individuals who have been physically assaulted, kidnapped, witnessed a traumatic event, have been raped or have been targets of domestic abuse are candidates for PTSD… both men and women being affected.

PTSD is NOT a sign of weakness
You are not weird, 
not unstable, 
not an embarrassment, 
and not a freak. 
There is no stigma 
with having 
PTSD. 

There are therapies to help and reaching out to your family physician or a trusted therapist in the divorce process is wise… I tried EMDR after my sister's passing and didn't find it helpful (maybe because I thought it was more bizarre than my dreams themselves) but that's not to say it hasn't helped others and it's not at least worth a try. Yoga, meditation and general exercise may help as well as a general pursuit of staying mindful and even journaling.

About 3.6% of adult Americans -- about 5.2 million people -- suffer from PTSD during the course of a year, and an estimated 7.8 million Americans will experience PTSD at some point in their lives. - via webmd

Typically if you experience symptoms for more than one month it's a sign you may have PTSD… a doctor can review all your symptoms to determine the best course of help for you. Anti-depressants may be used combined with talk therapy to help you find healing. It was on the heels of my being diagnosed with ADHD I mentioned my nightmares following my sister's death to a psychiatrist and after listening for some time he nodded and said I definitely showed signs of extreme anxiety from it, him offering to prescribe me Lithium. After researching Lithium I decided it wasn't for me. (He said one alternative was a daily dose of crazy water ) I decided it was time to up my exercise routine and find better natural ways to cope as I was already committed to taking ADHD medication and wasn't willing to add another med. With time, therapy, breathing exercises and relaxation cd's my symptoms have greatly improved where nightmares are concerned… I still find myself wound up tight but I am hopeful for continued improvements as I address that. It's a process. Each person is individual in what works best for them, their recovery process and whether they choose to take medication for it.

PTSD is a type of anxiety disorder 

“3d Image Ptsd - Post traumatic Stress Disorder Issues Concept Wor” 

by David Castillo Dominici via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

During the course of my divorce anytime I had to interact with my soon-to-be-ex I was left visibly shaking, trembling… even talking to him on the phone left me rattled. I couldn't figure out why I was having this reaction, as I hadn't had it previously with him. But my thoughts did keep returning to the early October morning that I discovered he was cheating (you can read that post here if you haven't) and that memory alone was enough to set off my trembling. I finally explained to my mother what was going on and she nodded…

"I was fearful of what would happen if he walked in and found you that morning. I kept watching the clock knowing you were searching for clues he was cheating and was worried if you were okay. I stayed by the phone waiting to hear from you."

"I remember feeling so panicked that morning. I had so much adrenaline going through me. Here I was basically trapped up on the third floor in the bedroom if he came home before I finished and I knew I had to hurry because honestly… I didn't trust him to not do something when he came home, my instincts told me I wasn't safe." I paused then added with reflection…  "If you think for a minute someone in that position is going to risk losing everything… what a perfect situation to just make it look like I'd just had an accident and fell… he had already been telling you and dad he was "concerned for me", painting me like I was unstable… he was setting the scene for something... call it silly but I've watched enough psycho's on Dateline to see the horrible things that can happen when desperate people feel threatened and want to replace you with someone new." I told her.


Hence the trembling.

I literally felt like I got out by the seat of my pants from that marriage.


Below are the signs of PTSD: someone may experience all or just a few  

1. Feeling emotionally numb; difficulty finding any real joy.
2. Lack of or fuzzy memory
3. Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
4. Always being on guard; fight or flight
5. Being on edge; aggression, feeling irritated
6. Difficulty sleeping
7. Easily startled
8. Recurring and distressing memories from the relationship or event
9. Reliving the experience; triggers/ flashbacks
10. Nightmares about the experience
11. Trembling, panic attacks
12. Depression

13. A need for solitude


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

If you or a loved one is experiencing PTSD you can gradually get better, help is out there and there is no reason to feel alone… others are experiencing it as well and there is hope.

Resources: 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) 
Trusted Pastor or church member 
Family Physician or therapist 
National Institute Of Mental Health

National Domestic Violence Hotline

800-799-SAFE

Related Posts:

Toxic Ties: The Soul Ties That Bind Us To Another 
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/07/toxic-ties-soul-ties-that-bind-us-to.html

When A Sociopath Meets A Nice Person 
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/07/when-sociopath-meets-nice-person.html

The 3 Stages The Sociopath Puts You Through
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-3-stages-sociopath-puts-you-through.html