Dear Prodigal Daughter: I've Been There

“Woman With A Very Sad Expression In Dramatic Interior” 

by Sira Anamwong via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

As I sit here and type my daughter sleeps soundly beside me… stuffed animals and a cherished Madame Alexander baby doll are tucked in amongst us. Each week she gets to pick a night to crash in my room and naturally also an entourage of bears, hello kitties, even an alligator arrives along with storybooks and giggles. Twinkle lights above give off a soft glow and the light from the laptop shines like a beacon in the dark room after she's fallen asleep. As parents we wish for sweet dreams for our children, for good rest, for mornings filled with smiles and the pattering of small feet ready to start the day and eat a healthy breakfast. We pray for God's word to guide them in all they do, we pray for their protection, we focus on their education and even contemplate their future one day… we take into account every talk we need to have, we model good choices and scrutinize how we can improve… we talk to God, our mother, our sister, our friends, our pastor for feedback on raising these precious children who will one day be adults. Essentially we try to do everything we can to ensure that our children will be fully prepared with wisdom and discernment to be Godly adults in a responsible manner… in regards to their future relationships, their career, even their health and safety but unfortunately, try as we might, that doesn't always pan out either due to poor choices in our parenting and or unfortunate sins chosen by our children.

Children become teens and then young adults and unfortunately just because someone turns twenty, twenty-one or even twenty-two, etc does not equate to them being ready for the adult world. As parents, we may cringe at the choices they make… they are so excited to finally (!) be making choices of their own that they are perhaps making them without thinking through the possible consequences.

As a teen I was so ready to get out of my parents house (truth be told I wasn't the only one) I made unwise choices… sometimes we want to escape a dark place so badly (which in some cases may be justified or not) that we trade one harmful environment for another… seemingly innocent at first; but then weeks, months, even years down the road we realize we are up a creek and don't have a paddle. We may realize we shoulda just stayed where we were and hung in a little longer. Fast forward down the road the situation is so far gone we may have no idea how to escape the whole new hell were in and we long for the days of back when… if only we could begin again and not have chosen the path we took.


Dear Prodigal Daughter:

It's always the same story it seems… my parents don't understand me. My parents don't listen. My parents are uncool and don't get it. My parents think I make bad decisions. My parents think I'm rebellious. My parents think I'm bad. My parents think I'm a troublemaker.

You're right… you're not bad, you're not a troublemaker, probably not even rebellious. But maybe you're idealistic, maybe you're naive, maybe immature, maybe, just maybe despite your good intentions there is a possibility that you're just plain wrong. Or maybe your parent(s) is/are abusive and you're ready to escape no matter what the alternative environment might be.

You say you love him, this guy you're with. You've committed yourself to him and the relationship. You move in together. You tell everyone how wonderful he is. You coo and oooo over how cute he is, how cool he is… how he's the mac to your cheese… to the outsiders that you share limited information about the relationship with he seems like a dream come true. On social media it's all gloss, sunshine and ponies who poop confetti… you and your guy are the epitome of the perfect couple… photo after photo ensue and the upbeat comments posted only serve to validate it all.

But behind closed doors is another story… behind closed doors is the truth. Behind closed doors is the stinking decay of what is to come however much we don't want to acknowledge it… a future that lacks peace, love and beauty but instead a future that will bear struggle, division and resentment… ultimately regret.

But maybe you don't believe me.

Perhaps you have one car you must share… and typically you're left without a ride. Maybe you don't have a job because he hasn't allowed you to get one… isn't it just too sweet how he's "taking care of you" like that? Uh huh. Maybe you're both working overtime to pay off all his debts… wait, why are you paying on his debt? Shouldn't he step up and handle that himself? Or perhaps you're the one with the job… and working your tail off to support the two of you… while he… wait, what does he do, again? Oh, yeah… nothing. He does nothing. Or maybe he is busy… with the remote, with a six pack of beer, or sniffing something up his nose… or maybe he's busy in the bedroom with another chick while you bust your butt all day making minimum wage. Minimum wage? Yeah… because didn't he decide that there wasn't enough money for you to finish school? Or maybe you decided out of the goodness of your little ole heart to put your dreams and education on the back burner… how noble… while he did whatever he wished. What you may not realize yet is that there will never be a better time for you to finish that education… the best time is now not later. What you may not realize is that any man who sits on his rear while you go earn the money and fry the bacon too is not a man. A guy who allows you to sacrifice your goals and dreams so he can get ahead in life is not partnership material. The man who tries to control whether you work, who you see, how you spend your time is not a man for you.

You're what? You're pregnant, you say? Oh, let me guess… he lied and said he couldn't have kids… (I've heard about every story out there) or he hid your birth control, or maybe you now realize birth control is not 100% effective (yikes) as you originally believed. Maybe guilt eats at you day and night and you regret the act(s) you participated in and wish more than anything you could have that re-do. But now he wants you to get an abortion? Let's ponder this… Is he going to pick and choose which children you keep if you get married one day? Are ya'll gonna draw straws or what? If he's not utilizing self control regarding sex with you now, what makes you believe he can once you're married one day? How can you trust he won't have a "slip up";  a hot and heavy false step with another woman? The truth is… you can't. Can people change? Yes, without a doubt with spiritual growth not another human... So do you want to bet your future on him being capable of changing?

Maybe he wants you to keep the baby. Now he's talking marriage, "I do's" and rings… slipping a ring, er, bandaid on the situation isn't going to fix it… the truth is… getting hitched doesn't make having a baby out of wedlock like it didn't happen… why put a child through the inevitable reality of a likely divorce down the road? There is the chance he will feel trapped one day; that you got pregnant on purpose to get a proposal… there is a chance you might always wonder who else you could have married if it hadn't been for "sucking it up and trying to make it work" because you're now carrying a tiny human that brings you together forever… adding the pressures of marriage on top of a child's arrival in nine months? Perhaps the best thing to do is co-parent to the best of your ability and do a "wait and see"… if it works out, great… if not, move on.


I've been there in several of these scenarios. 


The truth is… these scenarios are amongst many many others women find themselves in everyday… and the phrase "find themselves in" is not to be taken as not taking responsibility for the choices one made but to point out the fact that many times what we do truly believe to be good-intentioned, sound decisions at one point we later find ourselves (sometimes years later) shaking our heads in astonishment and sorrow that we could have ever EVER at one time believed we were making good choices. We now look back with complete disbelief and a desire to slap ourselves upside the face (!) wondering what on earth we were thinking… for now the reality of our past poor decisions sit squarely before us with stark clarity.

So why didn't we just tell the guy: "Look, if you don't get your you-know-what-together" I'm outta here!… or "If you don't start treating me the way I should be treated" peace out! Why don't we speak up? Why don't we just tell him if he doesn't start doing x,y,z were outta there and were hiking it home to mama and/or daddy?

Likely it goes back to pride. 

Your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God. Deuteronomy 8:14

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor. James 4:10 (NLT)

If we do see an issue and yet waffle with leaving it's usually due to how we will be perceived once home. Will we be told: "I told you so!" when we return by our family? Will we be sneered at and made fun of? Will we be put down and berated for "being such an idiot"? Will we be met with tension, friction and judgment instead of joy, mercy and grace?

Will we return home to open arms? To thankful smiles and tight-as-you-can-squeeze hugs? Will there be anger and resentment or warmth and forgiveness? Will there be affirmation we are important and mean something to them or will we be met with hostility and reproach? Will we be trusted and shown love or will we be treated like a prisoner and dished out hate?

Sometimes we fear returning and admitting we were wrong.
Sometimes we fear returning and facing the people we left behind.
Sometimes we fear returning and dealing with whatever reaction is waiting for us.

Like the prodigal son in the bible who returns we may wonder if we will be met with open arms, warmth, love and forgiveness…  or detachment, coldness, resentment and wrath.

Your earthly father may hug you but have a grudge in his heart.
Your earthly father may never look at you with love again.
Your earthly father may not let you return.

Our sins in life against others are ultimately also sins against Christ. 

When were young we want more than anything to be free.
To make our own decisions.
To make our own way.
To live our life.

But the further we stray from home, from our Father, the worse off we will be.

The great news is:
Christ won't turn His back on you.

Our Father In Heaven is ready to recover the lost.

No matter what your earthly father says or does take heart in knowing that Christ died for you… you're His beloved daughter and no matter how far away you run, who you're with, how badly you've stumbled… Christ is there to love you and welcome you with open arms.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

read about the prodigal son here

The Best Of Me: 5 Truths In Life

Last Friday afternoon found me sitting in a movie theater… escaping reality for a little while and enjoying some much needed down time. The Best Of Me was a tear jerker like nearly all Nicholas Sparks stories… and I left not only with a wad of wet kleenex in my purse but reeling from the emotionally charged film. If you haven't seen it or heard of it it's a story of two high school sweet hearts who take different paths and eventually find themselves meeting up again due to events out of their control.

*********************

I opened the door to my SUV, sliding on the brown leather seat, tossing my oversized bag onto the floor of the backseat behind me. Sunlight streamed into the windshield and I winced from the harshness of it despite wearing Jackie O style sunglasses. The late afternoon sun was in full force and even though my stomach grumbled it was hungry I knew it had to wait… I was needed back at the office… work called.

Beside me, my mother flipped her visor down to shield the light from her eyes and she pulled her seat belt across her, buckling it in place. Starting the ignition I breathed in deeply through my nostrils and felt the tension that had built up in my neck and shoulders begin to slowly release as I exhaled.


"What did you think of it?" I asked her… backing out of the parking space and slowly making my way across the lot toward the street. The late October weather was mild and finally boots were justified… fall is terribly fleeting in Texas… it barely makes it's presence, like a flirt it disappears as quickly as it comes before winter settles in full force.

"It was a little rough… rougher than what I expected." She murmured and I immediately detected her disapproving tone.

I myself had not expected it to be that rough… I was expecting sappy and sweet not what it had delivered… a mix of heart gut wrenching emotions that had left me feeling more drained than anything. I affirmed my agreement with her with a murmur.

"What did you think?" She asked me… "Did you like it?"

"Parts of it… " I replied slowly and cautiously… "Parts of it I was disappointed in… there was no justification for them as high schoolers to have sex… it wasn't sweet or endearing… this is a PG- 13 rating… it sends the message to young teens that this is okay behavior… that scene was disturbing… it bothered me." I told her with a furrowed brow. "And… " I continued, "They didn't learn their lesson later in life… she's ready to have an affair with him…  even if she is likely from what we can gather married to a jerk. And he was more than willing to let that happen. It was disappointing to see that occur… them together when she wasn't divorced. I wish it had been written differently."


She echoed the same sentiments as well and as I followed the flow of traffic down the main thoroughfare my thoughts spun too… "It's really a story of destruction." I said quietly. "It's a contrast of how maybe you think things should be and then how they really are. It's idealism and painful reality clashing like two opposing planets. It's the age old battle of how life coulda been versus what unfortunately is." I added… "You think to yourself… if only his family would have crawled under a rock… left them alone… they created so much pain and heartache. And it ultimately killed him. It's the injustice of that part and then the struggle that he's not his father. He's not like his family… him realizing his identity is not in them and their sinful ways. He stood for beauty and good."


"And then you've got her family… her dad trying to buy him off to not see her anymore." She added, "That was so cliche… it's been done time and time again."

"True… and yet it happens all the time I imagine in higher social circles." I affirmed and pursed my lips in thought... "How can she respect her father when he behaves that way? Her father is a man choosing to be defined by his wallet not Godly character."

*******************

5 Truths In Life: 

1. You are not your family
You are not defined by your father who beat you, a mother who neglected you or any other scenario… we are not summed up by our relatives, by our bloodline… we are not their mistakes. They are separate from us… their wallet doesn't equate to our value as a person whether it's full or empty. God knows who we are… we are His and we are loved by Him.


2. Missing someone doesn't equate to pursuing them
We all have past relationships whether they are short lived or long and span the course of several years… we may have regrets or simply just wonder from time to time what coulda happened if it had worked out. It's one thing to wonder… but not fixate… eventually we have to let go… release these feelings and connections like a dandelion to the wind. We hurt others when we indulge in our selfish emotions, when we act on them and hold expectations of others. We also hurt ourselves staying in a state of mind that remains in the past… life is about growth, about change… and if it's meant to be it will happen under God's way and blessing not against the grain.


3. Money doesn't solve everything 
True, money can solve a lot, without a doubt… it can solve emergencies that pop up and threaten our monthly budget… it can solve car troubles, an extra high electricity bill come mid-August or even paying for our kids college educations. But when it comes to wielding power and control… money can fall through… not everyone can be bought… a young woman intent on being with a young man she's in love with or vice versa likely isn't going to respond to a father extracting his wallet. True love doesn't engage in bribes or deals.


4. There is bad in the world
It is an unfortunate truth in life. There is bad everywhere and sometimes it hurts. Life isn't fair and no one ever said it was. Why does it happen? Not one of us can fully understand or explain it. Because of this fact many may be quick to dismiss God and Christians… to poo poo at them, claiming they are living in some type of fantasy world without concrete answers. We as Christians may tend to measure our sins in comparison to others and cry "...but I'm better than Suzie Q or John… so why do these bad things happen to me?" It's human nature to think our sin card is a tiny bit better… cleaner, than the person's next to us, at the office or even on social media. Like thinking of our own children or our own home we are each undeniably a wee bit biased. But the truth is we each deserve the wrath and fury of hell… each day we are still here living and breathing on earth it's because of God's great mercy. The fact is… we live in a sinful world and we each have the power every day to infuse light and love into it or contribute to the continual downfall.


5. She/He Is Maybe A Jerk Yet She/He's Still Your Jerk
In life we may be married to someone who is difficult… heck, were all difficult at times… who isn't when we've had a bad day, been sick or it's that time of the month. Maybe on the extreme were married to someone who is emotionally, physically or verbally abusive. Maybe were married to someone who is toxic, who has a "temper" or who is merely absent. We may not love them, we may not want to be around them or maybe we don't even like them… but unless were divorced they are still our spouse… were either married or were not… there is zero in-between or gray area… even separated still means married in God's eyes. Until were legally divorced we shouldn't be involved with anyone physically or emotionally… if we are struggling with this we can go to Him with it… as pleasing God should be first on our list and it shouldn't feel like a chore but a joy to do.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

images via Pinterest 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Weak 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/01/weak.html

Weakness: When We Ask For Grace, Peace & Healing; God Delivers

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Old Flames: "Love Is Peace-Seeking And Selfless Not Turmoil And Self-Seeking" I Told Her

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/01/old-flames-love-is-peace-seeking-and.html

Projection & Signs Of A Cheating Spouse 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/09/projection-and-signs-of-cheating-spouse.html

Your Children: Do They Know God Is Their Biggest Hero?

I tell my children all the time

 "God loves you."

That sentence is something I never heard growing up. That sentence although now easily rolls off my tongue with strong conviction would have been completely foreign had I heard it growing up. I wouldn't have believed it then. That single simplistic sentence of "God loves you" with so much meaning and weight, grace and power behind it would have stood out as an impostor in my family environment as a child. No one ever uttered the Lord's name the entire length of my childhood nor did we pray before meals or any other time except at Thanksgiving right before digging into my grandmother's turkey, dressing and Watergate salad on her Spode plates.


I often reflect on how different my children's childhood is compared to my own. In some ways they are glaringly different, because as we know society progresses and generations change. My childhood didn't have the technology that is so readily available today. Mine was simpler… hula hoops, sidewalk chalk, Lincoln Logs, paper dolls and Tinker Toys took up quite a bit of my time as a kid. Playing outside back then was not viewed as an outing requiring Epi-pens, Benadryl, helmets, knee pads, sunscreen and a hat but instead a daily expected adventure in which whatever happened happened, then upon coming inside guzzling giant glasses of Kool Aid full of red dye and delicious sugar. A world where peanut butter and jelly was a lunchtime ritual, dandelions were flowers gifted to mom and the words allergies, gluten and asthma weren't ever present in vocabulary. Every afternoon after school and weekends there were mud pies to be made, wagon rides to be had and teeters to totter.


Todays generation is so different  iPhones seem to have taken over the little hands of children in general… little hands that we one day pictured building sand castles, holding a jump rope as songs are sung in rhythm to the jumps and those same little hands that should be holding caterpillars. That is why my house is an electronic-free zone. I realize I'm likely in the minority here. I don't allow my children on the weeks I have them to bring those addictive tools that only serve the purpose of "zoning out" into an alter world. The world we live in offers so much more. It offers beauty, light, love and hands on learning. A video game may allow you to "win" at racing, in conquering the bad guys in battle or learn how to style a princess to sweet perfection. For five minutes you can be the winner, the hero, the diva producer. But then what? What happens then? The high, the five minutes of fame is lost and no real skill set is acquired. When someone asks you "What can you do? What are your strengths? What are your skills? What do you contribute?"

What do you say?

 How do you reply? 

A video game doesn't offer our children the skills to help them learn about who they are. A video game doesn't offer our children the opportunity to help others, to interact and engage in a meaningful way… to learn hands on what they excel at and what their interests are… whether it's planting a small garden, doing a craft or science experiment, baking homemade lasagna with mom or sweeping the driveway… all of these real life experiences and more offer invaluable time spent together and allow children to learn about themselves… raising their self esteem in a way that has longer lasting effects than being the five minute hero just because he won a virtual basketball game. That high is short lasting but getting out and swimming with team mates, encouragement, sweat and determination is a life long lesson in going after your goals and dreams in life, finding your strengths through trial and error, learning about what feeds your soul and maybe even makes you walk with a happy step.


It's when we realize that iPhones and handheld video games allow us to walk the earth in perpetual distraction, to chronically walk or sit with our heads down and shoulders slumped… to live life in a state so focused on a tiny screen that everything happening around us is just a blur of activity now deemed unimportant. This feeds our natural narcissistic hunger within, feeds our flesh… to ignore others and play in an alter world instead… at the cost of our relationships, at the cost of connection, at the cost of love. We are the ultimate displayers of love for our children. When we are allowing them to be focused on a tiny screen versus the happy wag of the family dog asking for a treat, or the sound of music playing from the family stereo to dance to… or the making of homemade pizza as a family on a Saturday night… our children lose. When we all connect, we all laugh, we all love, we all share, we all learn….  at the end of the day it really comes down to….

Only then we all win. 

God wants you to have a life of beauty, love and connection with your children. Yes, there will be hardship. There will be days you want to run into the street and cry "Really?! Come on, God! I need some help down here!"…parenting is never easy… we all know, anyone who is a parent that there are infinite challenges with the biggest responsibility we will ever have, we will ever be given and be blessed with. We know there will be days of raining emotion, frustration, disappointment, despair and days of sorrow…. there will be all these things… no one ever promised perfection and we shouldn't even want it. Because when we go through parenting…. the key word, "hands on parenting", when we engage and connect we are going the extra mile, we are doing what's right, what's best for our children… when we are having dinner as a family versus setting the children in front of the television and walking off we are sending them a message:

I care. 

I am here.

I am listening. 

You matter.

 I love you. 

God does the same thing for us every single day.

He's there.

He wants to connect.

He says:

"You matter… whether you are in the womb or a hundred and five… you are mine, my child."

He says: "I'm listening."

He says: "I love you."


There is no battle there to be won.

It's already won. 

God is your hero, your grace, your power, your strength.

And even when life is like a bag of lemons, even when it seems like that rain will never ever let up… even when it seems like everything will never get better…. remember this….

Where you fail God is there.

Your children know you love them…

But do they know God does?

Maybe it's time to tell them.

After all…

He's really the biggest hero of their childhood. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

Our children are our future…. 

let's all practice being engaged and not living a life of detachment, of everything that love isn't. Let's spend time with our kids, tell them we love them, and that God does too. 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts:

Surviving The Fast Lane: By The Grace Of God

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/08/surviving-fast-lane-by-grace-of-god.html

From Gangs To God: Bad Company Corrupts Good 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/01/from-gangs-to-god-bad-company-corrupts.html

Dear Daughter: An Open Letter To My Little Girl

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/03/dear-daughter-open-letter-to-my-little.html

6 Ways To Help The Narcissistic Child

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31 Things To Teach My Son

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6 Ways To Help The Narcissistic Child

My son's kindergarten teacher said something one day that really stuck with me. It was field day at his school and the class was hot and sweaty after an afternoon of relay runs, sack races and tug o' war. She was passing out icy popsicles in a rainbow of colors when one child exclaimed

"Hey! I didn't want this flavor!"

I watched as her eyes narrowed and she turned to speak to him:

"You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." 

I loved that. 

How often do children need to hear that sentence spoken to them? 

Honestly, my own two children seem to need to hear it quite a bit. On some days it feels like it should be on a recorded loop in their head when their vocal chorus threatens to take over: 

"I didn't get the one I wanted." 

"I don't like it." 

"It's not quite right." 

"I want that!" 

"But I want it!!!" 

"Please?!?!" 

We need morals and good examples set for our children more than ever. Today children are being raised to be narcissists. And it takes a lot of dedication, consistency and persistence to raise them unlike the world, unlike the flesh, unlike the sin surrounding us, threatening to engulf us all like a tsunami. 

All children are susceptible to becoming mini narcissists or "narc's" for short. As parents we are in a constant battle against media, against the pressures of other parents condoning their children getting too much too soon and so many reality shows showing excess in homes, cars and disposable income for entertainment that it often seems as if everyone wants to jump on the band wagon with them. 

When Divorce Ups The Chances Of A Narc Child: 

It's not just the coveted iPhone that a parent buys his six year old, or the new teddy bear from Build A Bear he buys her every month or the showering of excessive clothes that creates an issue and possibly a narcissistic child. It's allowing a child to have too many experiences too soon. They can begin to feel entitled to have more and more experiences before they are truly ready for them. 

A parent may unwittingly give into their child's every whim due to their guilt over the divorce… yet this isn't in the best interests of the child long term. It's actually quite detrimental and continually sets the  bar higher and higher each time. Selfish behavior exhibited by children can be learned by a parent who is selfish himself. This is why each generation keeps producing more narcissists… because the children (genetics may have created a baseline for it, and we know all children are ego-centric to some extent but eventually change) … learn from a narcissistic parent to subscribe to "Me! Me! Me!" and emulate them. 

Examples Of Narcissistic Thinking: 

"You owe me!" 

"Serve me!" 

"It's not fair!"  

"Gimme!" 

"Pay attention to me!" 

"If you don't, I'll blow up!" 

"Give it to me!" 

"You better…" 

"Buy it for me!" 

"Now!!!" 

I remember one day right after my divorce was finalized…  my children and I had had a wonderful afternoon at the park… kicking the soccer ball around, walking the trails and them on the swings as they laughed with glee… afterward we piled into the SUV and headed for ice cream. Pulling into a McDonald's parking lot was met with disappointed grunts from the backseat. I glanced in the rearview mirror and spoke "Is there a problem?" 

There came a flood of vocal protests of why couldn't we go to Marble Slab or Cold Stone Creamery? Why couldn't we get waffle cones with sprinkles and a wide array of flavors to choose from? Inward I sighed and bristled but held steadfast to calm and pulled the car into a parking space to turn around and address them. 

"Look, guys… here's the thing. When I was little there wasn't Marble Slab in hot pink neon lights… there wasn't Cold Stone Creamery and tons of flavors. When I was little we had McDonald's… and you know what? That's good enough. Not everything in life comes with banners, confetti  and trumpets. Sometimes the little things are the best things. You know… simple is okay… not something to be sneered at or thought of as less than. Maybe there needs to be a bit more gratitude and less griping." 

We don't have to give in to every whim

 our child cries out for. 

We can stand firm and say "No." 

That's good parenting. 

What they failed to understand is that their level of living with me differed currently from when I was married. And honestly... that was a good thing in my book in regards to them. Sure, their higher level of living remained relatively the same at their father's… but that didn't make it right. That didn't make it healthy. What they failed to understand is that they were spoiled and didn't know it.  No one "owes" them Marble Slab. 

No one "owes" them anything. 

All children require is shelter, a bed, food and healthcare. Children need to be reminded occasionally that their parents home, their cars, their level of living is not theirs. Their parents money, and lifestyle is not theirs nor their success… they are merely temporary recipients of it on some level… while living with them. Children today often erroneously believe they will graduate from college living the same level of income and enjoying the same economic security as their parents… only to be devastatingly brought down a few notches by the reality of student loans, mounting debt and job interview after job interview. 


Divorce & Children: 

Often children feel as though they are entitled, or owed something due to life being glaringly unfair. He or she can't seem to wheedle the item they so desperately covet from one parent so they begin an unmerciful agenda on the other one (sometimes at the other parents egging). This sets up the parents in a battle of their own… because if one parent gives in to blatantly aggravate the other estranged parent and overindulge the child, they are potentially creating a little monster. Likewise, if the doting parent is merely choosing to subscribe to more for their child due to their own insecurities and wanting the child to like them (let me be your friend over parent) rather than setting healthy boundaries it creates all sorts of unnecessary chaos and strife. 



When The Child Emulates Their Abusive Parent: 

The child who feels a lack of structure and healthy boundaries in his or her environment or sees one parent (or both) behaving narcissistic, even dominant or downright abusive… is at a higher risk of becoming a narcissist himself. Divorce upheaves a child's entire world and if they were already exposed to a home environment that was less than healthy due to one parent's domineering ways toward their spouse… the child's social skills and healthy expression may be lacking,  anger taking the place of a healthy dialogue and expression of self. When anger takes over it may become a way of living… of coping however ineffective in interacting with others and often through trial and error of tantrums the child will learn how to manipulate those around them… not much differently than an explosive abusive adult. The child learns how to manipulate by time and time again trying different behaviors on for size and gauging his or her parents reactions. If they get what they desire through coercion of acting out they learn by cause and effect that throwing a fit gets them what they covet… again and again. They switch between moods like channel surfing or Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde…. sweet as pie one moment when they are receiving what they want and the next… lashing out in a rage for not getting the attention, materialism etc they wanted. 



Narcissism Or Aspergers? Maybe Both

This behavior, this switching back and forth between being cool and collected, even loving and alternately throwing fits can hauntingly resemble Aspergers and the fits that sometimes go with it. It is possible for adults with Aspergers to be confused as Narcissists… personally curious about this, I've scoured message board after message board online and found many others to be puzzled about this too. Aspergers naturally has a seed within that causes one to appear a bit more egocentric. As parents it's important to discourage egotistical tendencies and encourage healthy expression of feelings, empathy and giving in our children and why children with Aspergers need all the early behavior intervention that they can obtain to function as well as possible in society as adults. Often we hear Asperger's groups online rally solely for acceptance... acceptance is of course needed. However let's also try to keep in mind that denying the fact a child could benefit from help is to be of disservice to them. Today it may be a question for some people to ponder… could someone with Aspergers also be a sociopath? Anything is possible… as genetics drawn from two people can produce a child that may exhibit characteristics of several different diagnoses. If someone who is a narcissist or on the extreme a sociopath marries someone with Aspergers traits (preys on them, uses them) is it possible for them to then produce a child who later grows up to be a sociopath with Aspergers-like traits? Possibly, yes. 

Minimize The Buying & Say No To Fear: 

One of the best things all parents can do is minimize the buying, minimize the indulging and don't give in to a child out of fear of their fits. It takes guts (and tough love) to stand your ground especially if you have other parents giving you the evil eye in public or feel at your wits end behind closed doors. But don't give in with excuses or special privileges… like "Okay, just this once…" as it makes the child feel superior. This subliminally tells the child they are in control, that they are running the show and it instills a lack of empathy for anyone else's needs or feelings. It becomes all about them and what they need right then instead of being sensitive to the fact others around them also have a need for time, attention, love, space and to voice their own thoughts. 


Teach About Coping By Pointing Out Others Behaviors & By Example: 

To help minimize lashing out in their child a parent can teach their child (at an early age is best but better late than never) how to respond in times of stress, anger and frustration by pointing out how others are coping or their lack of. When we see someone lashing out in traffic and engaging in road rage, that is not the time to ignore it. That is the time to engage our children and have a conversation with them… pointing out the wrong behavior and ask them what they think about it… then ask them how they think the people could have handled it differently if they had a chance at a do over. It will open the lines of communication and help your children see that there is a better, more mature and healthy way to handle anger… that it's not the anger that's bad but what we do with it. If we witness someone, maybe a sales clerk having a difficult time with a customer in public yet see them handle it with dignity, empathy and grace… we can use that scenario to have an honest conversation with our kids… pointing out how well that the situation was handled despite how undoubtedly difficult it was. When we are setting a stellar example ourselves in how we treat others, when we use our manners and smile, when we say "please" and "thank you"… when we ask someone how they are doing at the register, at the drive thru window or the bank… our children notice and over time will follow what we lead by example no matter what we say. 

Help For The Narcissistic Child: 

1. Don't engage in power struggles with your child. 

2. Use positive reinforcement (praise) when they vocalize their feelings in a healthy manner, help others or make good choices. 

3. Teach them (role play if necessary) that when setting boundaries with people they can practice saying "It bothers me when…" or "I become frustrated when…" instead of lashing out. 

4. Encourage and set an example of giving so they don't grow up to believe only taking is acceptable. Get them involved with volunteering through a local charity or church.  

5. Get them to thinking and having an open dialogue… is this issue going to matter tomorrow? Or in an hour? On a scale of one to five how big a deal is this? That you aren't getting your way? That you can't get the toy you want? That you can't go on the play date? Can we find a solution? Is there a cheaper alternative? Maybe some manual labor like raking leaves or washing the car could help you earn the money needed for that new toy. Can we check the calendar and see when another play date is available? Focus on problem solving, hard work and being content with what we have versus being stuck in negative emotions, a "give me" attitude and focusing on what we don't have. 

6. Anger usually always follows hurt. Let's discuss what's really going on here… what are you hurting from? Did someone hurt your feelings? Are you disappointed by something? 


Victory Is Possible: 

When we discover positive ways to help our children and battle any narcissistic tendencies they lean toward we can find victory… in our parenting and our children's lives. Reading the word of God… our bibles regularly with our children and having an open dialogue with them about what is selfless and Christ like versus flesh and world like keeps their eyes open to what is good and pure versus selfish and sinful. We can read all the parenting books in the world looking, searching for an answer regarding our children's behavior… but we really don't have to search any further than our bible… the answers we are often searching for are right there within it's pages… just waiting to be read.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

                                                         To My Readers: 

                                                   Thank you for reading, 

                                                 commenting and sharing! 

Anxiety: 10 Tips To Stop The Cycle!

Anxiety. 

Fear. 

Stress. 


As parents we naturally want to keep our children safe and in this current world we live in that can sometimes seem like a daunting task. Just flip on the news for one evening and we can see for ourselves that no matter how careful we are in trying to protect our children bad things do happen. We wouldn't be doing our children any favors though not to try to look out for them as best as we can... we just have to keep a healthy perspective in doing so. As parents we want to teach our children cause and effect... that all callous or dangerous decisions do often have negative outcomes. With that being said we don't want to instill an unhealthy fear in them to create unnecessary anxiety, fear and stress.



As parents what can we do to make sure we are instilling what we can to keep our children safe yet also not do it with overkill and consequently contribute to causing our children to be anxious? There are some things we can keep in mind and implement so we don't fall into this trap.



Communicating to our children that the world is very unsafe... 

Parents need to be as self aware as possible not to project their fears and anxieties onto their children. They may worry incessantly about their children... concern is fine but keeping excessive worry under wraps may lessen your child's view of the world around them as being overly threatening to their safety, health and well being. If as parents we chronically say things like "Don't do this!... don't do that!... " it creates panic, restricts their children and creates unneeded fear to begin to grow over time. Instead we can tell our children very simply that when we cross the street we must hold hands and look both ways. We can teach our children and role play with them about situations they will likely experience in their pre-teen and teen years regarding peer pressure... smoking, drugs, sex etc. By teaching them that they can have some freedom but equipping them with the knowledge and practice they need to make good choices we are well on our way to helping them feel secure in the world.



Criticizing your children... 

Nothing good comes from criticizing your children. This is a red flag of parents who are perfectionistic and who are transferring their perfectionism onto their children. Their children will pay the price and always wonder if they are good enough or did well enough etc. It's truly a no win for children and in the end the parents lose too because the children will grow to resent them. The children will grow up to be adults who still are turning to their parents for acceptance and love. Unconditional love that they never felt they received. These are the children who later grow up to be the people pleasers and are beyond stressed out because their stomach is in knots, their schedule is overpacked and the guilt they consequently feel is busting at the seams. Stopping the criticism of little Susie's hair, her artwork, her attempts at helping, etc...  you will go a long way in helping her become a healthy adult. Parents can definitely change if they want to and if a reward system of some sort is implemented for every time we don't criticize our child (or ourselves) helps, by all means embrace it.



Shutting your children down....

As parents one of our jobs is to ensure our children are taught to adequately express themselves in a non-hostile, friendly but assertive manner. Extremes are never healthy and by encouraging our children to firmly stand up for themselves or voice their wishes or feelings about a situation we are setting a good foundation for our children to use their speech well into adulthood. But if parents are shutting their children down and not allowing self expression and in fact are punishing them because they are voicing a feeling, thought or concern... they are nothing but bullies. Children should be taught to speak with respect but also allowed to use their own minds and tongues to relay their thoughts. If a child is repeatedly given a dry biscuit for breakfast every morning and has respectfully asked his father for healthier options such as eggs, fruit or yogurt and dad denies him that, shuts him down and verbally berates him for it... the problem isn't the child. The problem is the father who has to remain in control... one, by not giving the child any other options... two, by not allowing the child to speak his or her mind. The father is in fact merely a bully. The child who is continually shut down will pay the price by becoming more tense, more anxious, and have issues as an adult adequately expressing themselves. This will lead the child once grown to have issues in his or her own relationships with communication and assertiveness.


Whether parents are inflicting all of these issues or just one upon their children, over time they create huge amounts of stress that builds, consequently creating anxious, tensed up children, teens and later adults. Just some of the factors that they could unfortunately face include... migraine headaches, panic attacks, generalized anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, panic disorder, muscle pains, fatigue, tics, eating disorders, sleeping problems, depression, phobias, ocd, trichotillomania, and more. Fortunately, parents CAN change... just knowing if you are struggling with some or all of these issues is the beginning to positive change in your child's world and your own. Self-awareness is always a good first step and then taking the initiative to implement new ways of relating to our children little by little will produce great fruit in their lives.


If as an adult you have experienced an upbringing that involved these anxiety producing issues... you may very well be suffering from anxiety because of it. There are many things you can do if you are already suffering from the anxiety monster that seems once it has it's hold threatens to take more and more. As someone who as suffered from anxiety for years trust me, you are not alone. Thankfully there are techniques available to help.



1. Talk to someone. Or pray. Sometimes just expressing it helps.

2. Journal. Get it out on paper.

3. Relax. Bubble baths, a massage, sex etc are great ways to ease stress.

4. Redirection. Redirect your thoughts to something pleasant such as a vacation spot.

5. Deep breathing. Slow, abdominal breathing through your nose, exhale from your mouth. Place your hand lightly on your abdomen to ensure it's rising and falling with each breath and you are not breathing shallowly.

6. Muscle help. Start with your jaw, neck and shoulder muscles. Relax them one at a time and slowly work your way down your body until your muscles feel like jelly.

7. Picture something pleasant such as water or the ocean waves, imagining the sound.

8. Aerobics on a regular basis. Proven to rid the body of tension that has built up and ease anxiety.

9. Positive thoughts. Remind yourself that this will pass... you are not your anxious thoughts or actions.

10. Practical help. Stress ball to squeeze at your desk, chew gum if needing to clench your teeth.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

To My Readers:
Thank you for reading,
commenting & sharing! 

Instilling The Good In Your Child: 6 Tips

Goodness. 


We as parents, as mother's, all want our children to have the good qualities necessary for a successful adult life. We want to instill good character in our children so that they feel motivated from within to "do the right thing" even when no one is watching. Just doing what is morally right and not for any selfish gain.... if everyone abided by that philosophy the world would surely be a better place.



But how do parents reach that goal? 

As parents we may read book after parenting book searching for "the answers" we desire. In a world that often seems sold on the mantra of "do what you want", "do what feels good" and "what do I get?".... instilling good character in our children can certainly seem like a daunting task at hand.

Here are a few ideas of things to keep in mind when striving to instill the good character traits you believe to be important for your child...

1. Empathy:  Today empathy often seems to be rare and yet if you ask someone today what they believe the most important trait for a person to have... it will often be empathy. To be able to put yourselves in someone else's shoes and be able to imagine the pain they are experiencing. To be understanding and have the ability to express how you feel yourself and listen to someone else's plight or concerns... including your spouse, these are important to connecting with others.


2. Positivity:  Encouraging other's either through affirmation, validation, a hug or some other type of support in the form of flowers, a homemade gift or invite to join them for dinner, etc. Bringing light to other's lives and making someone else's day better has great value. Included in this is teaching our children the importance of including other's in the classroom, at lunch and on the playground. When we include others and don't partake in bullying (ignoring is a form of bullying also) it lifts other's up and has a domino effect on everyone.


3. Kindness should be free: We as parents don't have to reward each and every kind act our child does for others. They need to learn that just because we do something nice for someone we aren't playing a game of "let's make a deal." Instead they can learn that to do something for someone else in itself brings great joy.... we can say "Wow, I bet that really made Jacob's day when you let him play with your favorite truck all afternoon!" We can point out the positives our child's choices lead to when they make selfless decisions.


4. Respect:  As parents often one of the most stressful times of day for us is breakfast and dinnertime. Hurrying out the door in the morning and rushing to get dinner on the table can often lead to stress, curt answers and sighs of irritation. But when we slow down and take pause to speak and react respectfully to our children it makes a big difference. They are learning to model after us and just because they are little doesn't make them any less than. In addition to showing them respect we can model respect to other's we come in contact with each day... our spouse's, cashiers, waitresses, tellers and teachers. When our children see us use our manners and treat people with kindness they learn that not one person should be treated rudely.


5. Responsibility:  Having some chores around the house that should be done simply because they are part of a family is essential. Teaching our children that everyone should pitch in and help gives them responsibility and if additional chores are desired perhaps then compensation can be implemented. But regardless children will excel when they learn that the great feeling of accomplishment from within is much more important than any monetary gain.


6. Behavior:   When we model good behavior for our children it speaks volumes, much louder than anything we tell them to do or not to do. When we are faithful to our spouse, when we don't run red lights, when we admit we were wrong, when we don't resort to bad mouthing people, our children pick up on those behaviors and are very aware of them. All the books today on parenting practically scream from the pages about how parents shouldn't bad mouth the other parent and point out their flaws.... regardless of whether they are together or not. The truth is.... your child doesn't need their mom to point out that dad is the reason for the marriage ending... because he now has a girlfriend. Your child doesn't need mom to point out that dad is a workaholic... because your child can clearly see with their own eyes he's never home. Children are incredibly smart and as adults we all need to give them more credit. Adults are not fooling them. Children inherently know which parent is setting the better example and each parent has the ability to make the conscious choice at any given time to begin making better choices.

Each and every day we have the opportunity to instill the good character traits we believe to be important in our children... but it begins with us.


Each time we model the good behavior we wish for them to live we are shaping them bit by bit for the better...


God is there to guide us and although we may reach for an occasional parenting book to read.... the best one is already on shelves at a bookstore near you... possibly on your bookcase at home or resting on your bedside table...


the bible.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013