Monday, November 4, 2013

Change: Better Alone Than Married To The Devil

I sat beside her listening to her talk about him. About how he had romanced her, treated her to candle lit dinners with white tablecloths, wooed her, spoken words of wit and wisdom... saying all the right things as if scripted from a how to guide. He had pursued her with fierce prowess like a hunter after the prized and lovely creature he knew her to be. 

It all began coming to an end one moment at a time leading up to the final day he would discard her.

The first moments it began unraveling was when she voiced dislike over something he did... the first time when she disagreed with the choices he made... the first time he didn't believe she was profusing total adoration of him, the first time she wavered on respect for him.... 

It all began unraveling after being legally bound to him in the institution of marriage....  when you find yourself in bed with the devil he gives marriage a bad name. He knew all her weak spots from careful observation... from being the facade of an attentive listener, a caring man. Unbeknownst to her he would one day delightedly enjoy using her weaknesses against her instead of being a soft place to land. 

It was in tiny snapshots that he became different. It was such a slow decline... such a slow conflicting dance of kindness and cruelty he continually spun her in... eventually she began to question her own sanity. He had the ability to shower her with nice things.... gifts, dinners, take-out, plays, wonderful experiences, listening to all of her troubles and woes, ready to help in any way possible.... yes, he would treat her so well and then stop the carousel they rode, abruptly hauling her off and twisting her words, attacking her skills, questioning why exactly she wasn't doing this or that... why isn't x,y,z being done this way?... meaning his way instead of her way.... because her way is stupid he implies and as she stands there stunned wondering where he, where the man she loves went and who this freaking one man circus act is.... before she can even collect her thoughts because she's now so off kilter, he grips her in an embrace and throws her back on the carousel of seemingly doting love as her anger simmers in a state of indignant exasperated voiceless shock. 

I nodded. 

I knew all this and more. 

I knew about the gas-lighting... how he'd say she said something (or didn't) two weeks ago that she knew with every fiber of her being she did. not. say. and yet he stood so tall and self assured (while she witheringly protested) looking her in the eye with outward cool and inward amusement mixed with contempt. I knew how if she tried to address an issue that needed to be discussed he'd merely move on with a brisk "That's in the past! Let's move on!" as she stood there in bewildered perplexity thinking to herself but.... your idea of "in the past" is literally two minutes ago! I'm trying to have a conversation here! I knew that and oh so much more. 

I knew her pain, her anger, her injustice, her feeling of being tricked, of being mad at him, the rage within, yet furious at herself for being taken. I knew her regret, how she wished she could start again, how she had perhaps missed out on someone great because she was wasting time on someone so despicable... how now she looked at everyone she had dated as a possible monster because she had caught his eye... and now how it was so unreal that his own mother could look you in the eye while enabling his contemptuous behavior he wielded for years over you and yet you see him do it to her and she enables him like a mute blind deaf woman by foolish choice. 

I knew it all. 

"I'm so sorry." I tell her "No one should have to go through this. No one should have to live like that, to endure that. It's abusive, sick and evil and once you're out of it you look back with eyes wide open, with objectivity, with clear lenses and wonder how on earth you survived it. But you did." 

She proceeded to tell me how the absolute worst of it to her was that she was no longer the person she was before him. She was no longer soft and trusting but hardened. She was suspicious of everyone and certainly any man who did anything nice for her. It was a constant battle within to not be suspicious of any man's intentions however wonderful. She hated it and deep down.... 

I knew this too. And I hated it.

Tears sprang to my eyes and wet my heart for her.... it wasn't right. 

Not. One. Bit. Of. It. 

"You aren't a fool... " I whispered because I knew otherwise my voice would crack from emotion.... "You're brave. You didn't know. You didn't know he was a monster. You didn't know and no one that knows him likely knows what he's really like. Likely they think he's this wonderfully charming kind man. He does nice things for people to gain narcissitic supply and always expects something in return. Don't beat yourself up. We have a chance to start fresh, to heal and eventually maybe find someone who has a heart that's pure. A man whose after God." I told her.... 

She nodded sadly and I spoke.... 

"You know, it's rampant. I think to myself how yet another woman has been chipped away bit by bit by a man like this and it breaks my heart. It saddens me beyond belief that this is where the world is.... not headed... but where it's at. Changes must be made..... we as women need to demand it. Change begins with boys. It begins with dads. It begins with humility, love for others versus a love of self and above all a love for God." 


I scroll through Facebook...

seeing fleeting glimpses of political posts, humor infused posts, posts on stocks and the financial state of America's debt.... I see posts on what foods to eat to prevent cancer and the delightfully silly faces of children on outings to the park with their parents.... I see smiling faces of couples celebrating their ten year wedding anniversaries and candid snapshots commemorating date night.... I see couples happy behind the lens of the camera and wonder of their reality behind closed doors... 


I see husbands on trips in the name of work and wonder why their wife is not in the photo.... their husband is seeing the glittering endless jewels the world has to offer and yet there he stands before them with his arm empty. Yes, we can't always be with our spouse due to other commitments like work.... but yet commitments are breakable. A convenant isn't to be compromised. When I see a continual pattern of husbands posting photos away from home without their beloved on their arm I question..... I wonder and I know with definitive certainty what I don't want that ultimately translates to what I do want.

As women we want truth.
We want real. 
We want authenticity.

We want Godly. 

I want a man who loves God more than anyone in the world. 

I want to purposefully love a man each and every day. 

I want a man who would die for me not dominate me. 

I want to see the world with the man I love, to enjoy each other's company on all corners of the earth.

I want us to be drunk on humility and loving others and thankful for God's goodness. 

A narcissitic sociopath can try to fool you all day long by going to church but he is self serving to his core.... he doesn't have a heart of thankfulness. He has a heart that beats "Me!, Me!, Me!"

We bear beautiful fruit that has a never ending effect when we marry a man who is more like God and less like the world. Better to be alone than with the devil. It's only with a Godly man that we can raise boys to be like Him too instead of a self serving narcissitic sociopath who just breeds more of the same destruction for yet another generation to endure.

That begins with change. 

That begins with us. 

© ~ 2013 

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