30 Signs Of Parental Alienation/Abuse

30 Signs Of Parental Alienation:

1. Your child's cell phone always goes to voicemail now.
2. Your cell number is now removed from your child's "favorites" or deleted completely.
3. Your texts to your child have no response; you've been blocked.
4. One parent not including the other's contact info in the school directory.
5. One parent not including the other parents info on the emergency contact form at school.
6. One parent saying "Daddy/Mommy has all my money due to the child support I pay."
7. A parent allowing their child to speak hatefully to the other parent in person/ on the phone.
8. Scheduling activities for the children without consulting the other parent.
9. Playing favorites over one child; one child gets a tutor, soccer, cotillion, etc and the other child receives nothing.
10. A parent having "private talks" with one child and the other child/children excluded.
11. Ignoring the "Right of 1st Refusal" in the decree/ not contacting the other parent to spend time with the child… instead, enlisting a babysitter, family member or intimate partner to watch the child.
12. A parent stating to the child that because the other parent filed for divorce it's their fault the marriage ended.
13. Removing photographs of the other parent from their children's room/possession.
14. Not informing the other parent of their child's school plays, field trips, Open House, field day, picture day, soccer games, swimming lessons, parent/teacher conferences, etc.
15. Chronically not answering the phone when the other parent calls to speak with the child.
16. Sabotaging one parents visits to see the children.
17. The child is afraid of you for no valid reason. They say they "don't feel safe with you", or "can't trust you."
18. Your relationship with your child deteriorates; it goes from close and loving to hateful and eventually non-existent.
19. The other parent over buys for the children creating a world of tempting excessive materialism that you could never or would never choose to provide.
20. A child's hatred suddenly extends to the rest of the parent's family; grandparents, aunts & uncles, etc.
21. A child erroneously believes he/she is making the choice to cut ties with their parent but in reality it is the other parent who is using them like a puppet on strings.
22. The child refuses to spend any time with the other parent; even meeting for dinner, etc.
23. One parent tells the child that the other parent has "rules at their house unlike his/hers".
24. A child's viewpoint is black/white and see the alienating parent as a "hero", "all good guy/gal" and the other parent as the total bad one… no gray area or in between.
25. Your child now lies like your ex about anything and everything.
26. One parent makes poor choices that aren't in the best interests of the children; hiring a babysitter that has a baby so the attention is on it not the children, sneaking in men/women into the house for sex with the children present, not using car/booster seats, leaving young children home alone or those with special needs, drinking & driving, etc.
27. Therapy for the child isn't proving to be helpful in a reconnection with the alienated parent.
28. One child continues to report that their sibling is being manipulated by one parent.
29. Overhearing a parents plans with the child; dinner, movie, water park, etc and immediately takes them to do those activities as a ruse to "win points" as the more fun parent.
30. One parent telling the child "when you are 12, 16, etc you can decide whose house you want to live at." ...giving a child too much power and/or asking them to choose one of you over the other.


~ Jennifer Gafford (2014)
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

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You Are Not Your Parents Choices - 5 Tips For All Parents

fall 2014 

names have been omitted in this post 

*******************

"Daddy and I went to Target the other day…" my daughter told me. She was sitting on her tiny flowered stool I'd bought her at Homegoods. Sitting at the coffee table in the den she was busy coloring a picture with crayon's on white printer paper.

I sat across from her in a chair… the television's volume low in the background… the weather segment was on… I glanced over at her, setting aside my glass of ice water on a coaster and closed a box of cheese crackers.

"Yeah? That's good." I stated.

"Yeah… she said as she intently studied her artistic masterpiece she was working on… "He said to me… "I hope we don't see Mommy in here… because she hates me"."

"He said that to you?" Inside I was incredulous but kept my tone even and calm despite the shock within.

I was thinking to myself how it was so twisted that he was speaking for me and how I supposedly felt… painting himself again as the victim, assuming zero responsibility for his poor behavior and of all things putting all of it upon our eight year old daughter's shoulders… when in reality he needed to keep his mouth quiet. This was a time when his words fell into the category of "what not to say to your kids."

"Yep!" she quipped back and paused, carefully selecting the next crayon she wanted from the box… magenta was selected next and she used it to color the dresses she'd drawn on her stick figures.

"Hmmm… that is a pretty strong word to use… hate… I believe we can not like how someone acts, we can hate their behavior and it makes us so mad we feel like we hate them, especially at first, but after some time goes by we feel better." I sat in thought for a few and finally asked her "So, how did you feel about that? What he said?" I asked her, watching her face intently.

She looked up at me and spoke "It made me feel mad…"

"Yeah… well… did you tell him how you felt?" I ventured… wondering, hoping she felt that she could share her feelings with him…. no matter how he felt about them.

"Oh, no… " she shook her blonde head now looking back down at her picture in progress… her hair partially hiding her face from me.

"Why not, sweet pea?" I asked her gently.

"Because… I can't do that… tell him how I feel. He would get mad." she admitted with her hair still hiding her little face… it was easier for her to share her hurt heart hidden behind a curtain of beachy waves… and as I heard her words my heart ached for her… she was shrinking out of fear… out of possibly yet predictably being scolded by him for speaking her truthful observations. And that… that was just poo through and through. She then paused coloring and looked up at me… right in the eyes and vehemently spoke "But inside… inside my head I was thinking… well, you shouldn't have cheated and you should act nicer too."

Stunned, I searched for words… but couldn't find any… she continued coloring and in the background the weather switched to sports so I rose to turn it off. Then I leaned down and gave her a big bear hug… "I'm glad you felt you could tell me about this. I hope you can always talk to me about anything. I love you." I told her.

*******************

In 2001 Judge Michael Haas wrote a letter to divorced parents in reference to their children that has since made it's path all over social media… maybe you have read it.

By Judge Michael Haas - 2001

“Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.

No matter what you think of the other party—or what your family thinks of the other party—these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an “idiot” his father is, or what a “fool” his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad.

That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.

I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer.”

******************

When Dysfunction Is Known By The Children…. 
Growing up I saw how my father treated my mother, really all of us… and it deeply, profoundly affected me. He was of the belief that by opening her car door for her he was a good husband. But that naturally didn't make up for all the ranting, the stomping through the house, the cussing, the screaming, taking the Lord's name in vain, the slamming of doors, the mug throwing, the iron clad control, the tires squealing out of the driveway… him defending his parents and determinedly not backing down off that mountaintop… work always taking first priority…. the house falling into ruins due to neglect and lack of care despite money being readily available to fund art collections or hoarding as more aptly named… it was a crazy train of dysfunctional abuse that needed to come to a screeching halt… and I was keenly aware of it all.


Despite Judge Haas's letter of obvious good intentions but what I see as a partially erroneous view… not once during my childhood did I see myself as "bad" based on my father's behavior. I didn't look at him and feel self-shame for his behavior. His behavior was his own, as mine was my own… I knew we were separate and I certainly didn't take on any responsibility for his actions whether they were good or bad.


You Are Not Your Parents….
Perhaps some children go through a dysfunctional childhood and do internalize their parents actions… maybe they did see themselves as flawed due to dad's alcoholism or mom's infidelities… perhaps they felt deep shame within based on their parents flawed choices that negatively affected their entire family unit… and if that is true… my heart goes out to you… because it is so incredibly important for you to know if no one has ever told you before now that you are not your parents… you are not their poor choices, their regrets, their dreams, their failures nor even their triumphs… you are you and no one else.


Encouragement…. 
So, today… I give you encouragement… to cling to… to remember that just because maybe your dad cheated, or your mom slept with her boss or your parents drank… just because they fought like crazy and their arguments left you hiding in a closet scared… just because they divorced and left behind a zillion bad memories in their wake doesn't make you a bad person… it's no reflection on you… it's not your fault… yes, they shouldn't have cheated… it could be argued they shouldn't have acted so poorly… maybe they could have been nicer… and maybe on some days they were nicer… maybe your birthday and Christmas were the only "good" days from your childhood you can recall, when everyone kept it together for the sake of the holiday… or maybe those ended poorly too…


Regardless… you don't have to subscribe to the notion that their choices define you… that's so far from the truth… the truth is… you are loved by God… you are His… you had His stamp of love from day one… even before you were born…

Your parents may have made lousy choices but you weren't one.

You are wonderfully made and His. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com  ~ 2014 



5 Tips For Married & Divorced Parents: 

1. Your children are individuals. They are not possessions to be awarded, won, etc. The parent who treats them as tangible items comparable to being won in an auction are merely playing a game of manipulation and parental alienation.

2. Don't tell your children that your spouse/ex hates you. More than likely your ex hates your behavior. Likely they would love nothing more than for you to stop engaging in manipulative ploys to gain allegiance with the children and instead spend that same amount of time and energy into merely loving them.

3. Your children have a right to not like your choices. There is not a single handbook that states that they are in the wrong if they don't agree with what you've done. We can teach our children to respect their elders and authority but they don't have to like their behavior and as they grow older they can learn they have the right to boundaries with anyone they believe to be toxic.

4. You can think that your spouse/ex is an "idiot" all you want… but you can't verbalize it or intimate it.

5. If you don't know what to say to your child the best default "go to" response is always: "I'm glad you felt you could share that with me. I hope you can always tell me anything. I love you." Because at the end of the day part of parenting is teaching our children that all feelings are okay… (albeit, actions made from those feelings may be questionable as we know)… but when they feel something they should also feel like they can go to us… and when they do, that is a parent-child victory.

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting & sharing! 

Related Posts:

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http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/divorce-6-things-to-never-tell-your.html

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Divorce & Children: 50/50 Custody 

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The Power Of The Word "Okay?"

"Okay?"

Parents may do it…

And they may not even realize they are.


Hindsight is always 20/20 and it may be a few years down the road that we realize we didn't handle this or that right when it comes to parenting our child. We may realize that inadvertently we gave our child power when we shouldn't have. We will all have failures and successes in our parenting. We may realize much later along the path of parenting that what we at one time innocently thought to be an affirmation of what we'd just relayed to our child was instead viewed by them as us asking if they were okay with our instructions.

Giving our child instructions happens everyday as a parent. We tell them to sit quietly in the shopping cart as we shop for essentials. We instruct them to bring us their dirty plate as were loading the dishwasher. We remind them that there is no running in the house, no jumping on the beds and no leaving the door open. I distinctly remember when my children were around the ages of four and five saying "Close the backdoor! We don't live in a barn." Every day we give our children instructions of how to behave, what tasks they need to complete and teach them what behaviors are acceptable and what aren't. We wouldn't be good parents if we didn't give instructions to our children. The word "parent" is of German origin and it's meaning is to teach. As parents we truly are our children's first teachers. With that naturally comes blessings and huge responsibility.

When we give instructions to someone

 and follow it with an:

 "Okay?"

 it only stands to reason

 that we are then asking:

 "Are you in agreement with me?" 

It's easy to see rather quickly how asking a child this could take you down a path as a parent to a destination you'd prefer to not go to. Obviously the child may more often than not may think to themselves… "Well… no, I'm NOT in agreement… I WANT to watch another t.v. show… I WANT the gum ball from the machine… I DON'T want to set the plates on the table for dinner." This may then be verbalized… their feelings and then… yikes… as a parent the door has been opened innocuously enough for negotiations. Despairingly, you may stand there faced with a small frowning face holding it's stance… as you wrack your brain, searching for what course of action to take next… because now you feel backed into a corner.


If you continually tell your children "Come put your shoes on… we have to go, Okay?" you've added an opening for them to dispute what you're telling them to do. The door is wide open for argument… for whining… for "I don't wanna's!"... the meltdowns that make parents cringe and want to disappear like a visible stain on a shirt.

By asking our children if they are okay with our directions we are subtly asking them if they want to comply. This leads children into believing they are in the driver's seat… their in charge and they are the leader and you're following them in a game of insanity.


The word "Okay" has huge power… and it holds much power not only for children but for adults as well.


When it comes to adults the word "Okay" is a good thing… it can actually help our relationships... bringing connection and affirmation, rather than pulling us apart like children and needing time outs from one another.


Think about the last time your spouse did something where they undeniably had great intentions but for some reason or another it didn't quite turn out how you expected. Maybe your spouse bought a new outfit and you're both getting ready to go out. You're wearing something dressy and he walks downstairs wearing a much more casual look. This is a time that could literally make or break your night out. Should you say something? Will it cause an argument? Will it cause hurt feelings? You naturally want to have a conversation about it but what should you do? How do you approach it? Or do you just shrug it off and move on?


It may have been helpful if when beginning to get ready to check in with each other on what you plan to wear. If looking like you're both wearing clothes that belong in the same season, are of the same style, etc is important to you… it's better to be proactive than to say something after the fact that may turn your perfectly fine day into a not so great night.

Telling our spouse "Hey… I'm thinking of wearing such and such… what are you thinking of wearing?' or "Hey, does this look okay?" joins you together… it unifies you and asks the other's opinion… this can be done by men or women… as it shows your partner that yes… you value what they think and you want to make an effort to look great together… to start your evening on the right foot. Obviously there are a dozen other scenarios… to choosing new dishes for your home… to where to get the oil changed… to where to go to dinner… we can affirm our choices and include our spouse in them by simply asking "Okay?" and being matter of fact about it. This isn't an opportunity to wield control or to be sarcastic in tone… it's not an invitation to sneer, roll your eyes, sigh, stomp off, mutter, or huff… (did I cover all of them?) but instead it's to bring you and your partner together…

To show that you care… and you're supportive of each other.


And doing that sets a great example for your children. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

Personality Disorder: 5 Ways To Prevent Raising A Child With One

Sitting in the den curled up on the taupe couch with a cream blanket I read my book by the light of a silvery crackle finish lamp next me in the dim room, the soft light permeating from it's pale gray shade… the flat screen television, it's volume low, played the local weather update on it's screen. Snips of a conversation my children were having with their father in the kitchen went high and low intermittently in the background. As I turned the page and tried to continue reading, something said distinctly jumped out at me from the next room in their conversation. I heard their father say darkly over the phone… "I'm not smiling right now. I don't have a smile on my face."

I paused, glancing up, craning my neck to see my children gathered at the pale table at the far end of the kitchen. Beyond them on the dark gray wall hung a huge oversized canvas that read 'Bless Our Home Family Food' in quaint lettering. Under the bright kitchen chandelier they looked perturbed and although I had missed whatever had been said by the children that had in their father's mind made him lack a smile on his face… inward I cringed.

Once again he was making

them feel responsible for his feelings. 

It wasn't their job to make him smile or not. 

It wasn't their job to make him happy. 

It wasn't their job to keep him that way. 


I bit my tongue and with a deep breath exhaled, continuing to read my book but once again that scenario showed that as parents we all need to be very aware of what words we use when we speak to our children.


There are common phrases used by people with Personality Disorders toward their children. These phrases are used to invalidate their children and their feelings. It actually highly ups the chances of creating a child who will later go on to become an adult with a Personality Disorder. With awareness we can subscribe to a healthy way to relate to our kids so we don't set them up to be deficit in relating to others and then continue the cycle of disorder for future generations.


1. Shutting down the child and his/her feelings. "Don't feel bad", "Don't be sad", "Don't be angry." "Don't cry."  All of these phrases are uttered by a parent who is either too uncomfortable in dealing with a child's upset or hurt or doesn't want to take the time to adequately address it. So they shut the child down and don't allow them to express themselves in a healthy manner as they should.

2. Comparison of siblings. One of the worst things a parent can do is compare their children (even step kids to biological, etc) to one another. Each child has his or her own strengths and weaknesses and comparing them only serves to tell your child: "You're not good enough", "You don't measure up", "And I'm disappointed in who you are." It kills the child's confidence and instead breeds low esteem.

3. Comparison of a parent. Telling your child (especially if you're divorced) that they are "just like your father!" or "You act just like your mother!" only serves to label the child as another person in the family. It invalidates the child as his or her own person and inhibits their growth in who they are meant to grow up to be of their own accord.

4. Asking "WHY?!" during times of distress. If your child is crying, the best thing to do is #1 COMFORT. Once the moment has passed and he or she is able to think logically a parent can say: "I can see something upset you. Would you like to talk about it?" Demanding to know why someone is crying when in the midst of it isn't productive. They are hurting and won't be able to accurately relay what exactly the issue is until they've calmed down.

5. Basing your feelings on their behavior. "I'm not happy right now." Really? What does that have to do with the issue at hand? Instead address your child's behavior: "I need you to treat me with respect. The words you are using toward me are not nice. Would you like to discuss this calmly?" This is a positive way to address the child (modeling healthy relational skills) and their behavior instead of twisting and spinning it back to be about you as the parent. No one cares if you have a smile or not, and a child who is acting out can be certain to not care… it's not their job to make you smile. Alternatively, when your child is sad or mad it's not healthy to tell them: "What do you need to do? Smile!" A parent is then basing their own mood/happiness on whether their child has a smile plastered on their face. This ruse may be used under the guise of "But I'm just trying to raise a POSITIVE child!" But it will backfire down the road.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

              To My Readers:  Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing! 

Divorce: 6 Things To Never Tell Your Children

"Gone like a freight-train, gone like yesterday 
Gone like a soldier in the civil war, bang bang 
Gone like a '59 Cadillac 

Like all the good things that ain't never coming back… 
She's gone (gone) gone (gone) gone (gone) gone, she's gone..."

- montgomery gentry 



"Mommy, this is the song Daddy listens to all the time in his car…. " I heard a small voice call out from the backseat of the SUV. Sunlight peeked through the open sunroof overhead and the mild fall day that brought a nice warmth, a light breeze, rolled plaid shirt sleeves, skinny jeans and boots made me relish this time of year… when temps were perfect for walks in search of the perfect yellow leaf, timers dinged that apple crisp was baked to golden perfection and front porches were adorned with pumpkins and Indian corn. I heard plainly what my child told me but merely responded with a neutral "Mmmmhmm, oh, that's nice…" as I maneuvered the traffic, filing away that bit of information and promptly changing the subject because I didn't want to feed into a conversation that would ultimately lead to their daddy painting himself as a wounded animal in the aftermath of divorce. 



The Art Of Subject Changing…  

With divorce we become masterfully skilled at being subject changers. At being distractors. It may not come naturally but with kids it seems to be a skill that is much needed to acquire, to divert our children's attention away from the negative, away from the self-proclaimed victimization of one of the parents… because at the end of the day the true victims in divorce are the children as they are dependent upon their parents keeping their you-know-what-together… because when both adults are doing what they are supposed to do… like being faithful, honest, loving and selfless… putting the marriage first... then the marriage won't fail and consequently, their children's world as they knew it won't fail also. 



What No One Tells You About Divorce…  

What people don't usually tell us about divorce is that just because the divorce is final doesn't mean your ex has decided to roll over and play dead or just be good. If you've been married to someone who has been manipulative, dishonest, who has been a cheater, who is cunning and narcissistic… possibly even a sociopath… you know the crazy train you've been tossed on isn't about to pull into the station anytime soon so you can get off… they have hijacked you for the long haul and unless you know Jason Statham personally to transport you off there are limited ways to deal. The train is going to continue at a zillion miles per hour and you have one mission… to try to handle this ride that is now your so-called life to the best of your ability. It will be trying, yes… no doubt and there will be zingers thrown your way, in the form of your children saying "Daddy/Mommy said such and such"… but with practice, with focus and your eye on living a life of calm in the midst of the storm around you…. peace can be yours. 



Divorce/Post Divorce:


6 Things A Parent Should Never Say To Their Child(ren) Regarding The Other Parent: 



1. "I wanted our family to work... I really did but it's your Mom/Dad that didn't. She/He is who filed you know..."

This is so not okay. Can we say grandstander? This is playing the martyr, the one with the violin, perched on a soapbox, a one man or one woman performance of nausea intended to paint themselves as unblemished when maybe reality is that the other spouse filed because they had good reason to... maybe they were sick and tired of being cheated on, lied to, treated as inferior or some other myriad of justifiable reasons to say "enough." It's maybe time to accept that fact of life and realize that instead of crying "woe is me" the best thing to do is either speak positively of the other parent or at minimum remain neutral so as not to bring anymore negativity to an already not so great situation.

2. "I miss Mommy/Daddy..."

Let's please not go there. Ever. It places the child in a very uncomfortable situation. One, they feel they have to play the role of nurturer toward their parent... that's actually the adult's job toward the child as a parent. Secondly, the child feels as though they are being asked (even if not outright to) to relay this pertinent piece of information to the other parent… which they will because in their child-sized rose colored glasses (and watching the Parent Trap too many times) imaginary world it might, just might mean you will both get back together and that gets their hopes up for no good reason... they are the child.... not the messenger. Third, the child listens to the one parent crying "I miss mommy/daddy" and in turn thinks to themselves… "This is crazy… if you miss them SO much and loved them SO much then why did you do what you did? Why did you cheat? Why did you divorce? Why did you cause so much grief?" This creates confusion for a child. If the parent truly misses their ex-spouse then they should not be going to their child(ren) about it but instead contacting a therapist who is skilled in helping with their feelings.



3.  "I don't have any money… Mommy has all my money."

Once again, playing the victim and drawing the children into your budget, finances and adult world. This is not a mature reaction to an innocent child's question on the toy aisle at Target asking "Can you please buy me that Barbie dream house?" It's not the chid's responsibility to be drawn into money talk, child support etc. The purpose of the child support paid from one spouse to another is to provide money for what the child needs in regards to everyday living. Children don't need to hear anything financially related that could cause them upset or a feeling of being unsettled. As adults even if we are struggling it's up to us to provide a secure environment for our kids so they don't take on our adults worries and burdens. A parent might merely say "Oh, that Barbie dream house looks like fun! Not today… maybe that is something to ask for on your birthday or to write Santa Claus for" ...and leave it at that.



4.  "Mommy doesn't want to see you."

It was scheduled in the court papers to exchange the children on this upcoming Friday. Instead, your ex-spouse out of "the goodness of his heart" suggests to you that you take the children early, let's say on Tuesday…. because in reality he has to travel for business, his babysitter has quit or maybe Las Vegas is calling. The truth is… you would love to have them early in a heartbeat… yet since it was dictated in the papers that you weren't getting them till Friday your work week is now filled to the brim… and you know it will be like pulling nails to rearrange everything to take them a few days early. So you tell your ex that you think it's best you both just stick to the court papers. Guess what? Now you are the bad guy… you get deemed by him as "not wanting your children" …. another manipulative ploy by him to be the shining parent. What's worse is he tells the children this. This is manipulation, hurtful, not true and is unacceptable. Twisting reality to suit a parent's personal agenda is not okay. It's best if a parent doesn't relay to the children that the schedule may change until it's a done deal. And even then in life things come up and we all need to be understanding… the best explanation to your child is: "Something came up. No biggie… you will see her in a few days."



5.  "My girlfriend is hotter than Mommy."

Oh…. okay. Let's just keep this simple… children don't need to hear a comparison of hotness, of boob size, waist dimensions, of sex appeal, of lust, gloss and flesh. They are not their father's comrades at the local bar, not his buddies in the locker room and not his best friend whom he shares his every thought to over lunch. They are children… which means they don't need to hear about their father's sick comparisons of physical attributes they deem better over another. In cases like these it's best for a parent to keep their mouth quiet and let's be real here… if and when this bit of comparison gets back to his ex-spouse it will likely send her into an enjoyable laugh at his expense and her drink to spew out her nose at the pathetic attempts to make her jealous… because a man who goes there just ends up making himself look as a silly as a high school boy.



6.  "I don't care what Mommy/Daddy tells you to do."

Telling your child(ren) this only leads to a co-parenting relationship that is not unified but instead actually adversarial. If one parent tells the children or intimates to them that they don't have to listen to the other parent, that he/she doesn't know what they are doing, doesn't know what they are talking about or his/her rules at his/her house are stupid… that parent is belittling the other parent's authority, discipline, rules and weakening their power over the children. They are painting them as inept in the children's eyes, hence giving the children voice to derail any instruction by the one parent. Ultimately, this manipulation done by one parent leads to the children seeing the other parent as "the bad guy" and the child begins slowly voicing opposition of going to spend time at that parent's home. This is subtle brainwashing and alienation that eventually grows into a whole new monster of gigantic proportions. This requires immediate family therapy in a group setting to clear the air and get down to the business of setting the children straight on the fact BOTH parents are indeed important in the children's lives and one parent is NOT going to overshadow the other to create purposeful unnecessary chaos that leads to a damaged relationship between one parent and their child(ren).



When we choose our words carefully, when we look past ourselves, our own egos however wounded and realize that our children's healthy emotional well being should trump any and all manipulation, self-victimization, snide remarks, etc voiced to our children about our ex-spouse we will be doing our job as a parent. We must set aside any unresolved feelings we hold toward our ex for the sake of our children and live our lives with maturity, grace and create the best possible environment for our kids so that they live under the direction, protection, united wings of BOTH parents even though they are residing in two homes.



That is a successful co-parenting relationship and one that only includes love.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

The Big "D" and Children: 10 Tips

“Upset Boy With Pictures Of Parents” by David Castillo Dominici via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Divorce

It's such an ugly word.

It even begins with "D I V", the same letters "Divide" does.

Yet it's so incredibly common today in our society.

I never wanted to be divorced. I never wanted to become a statistic in that category. I didn't want to be a "divorced mom" or even worse a "single mom". "Divorced mom" at least sounds responsible, but "single mom" as is so commonly used today sounds free-wheeling and celebrated even if it may not be in reality.

So often society acts like divorce is okay, kids are resilient and everything will turn out alright despite some bumpy beginnings of adjustment. But it's not true. Kids lives are shattered by divorce. Kids thrive on consistency, routine and familiarity. When those concepts are overthrown they feel discombobulated and their trust is broken. Kids are sharp, they need to be given adequate credit and acknowledgment that they are capable of accurately reading situations, people and character. Being excellent observers, kids know deep down by careful studying of their parents who has true motives, whom they can trust and the reason for the dissolution of their parents marriage hence their family.

In the case of infidelity children know one parent's selfish actions caused the dissolution of their family unit. Kids feel the abandonment of the parent who stepped outside the family to pursue their own agenda, thus causing them to cling to the parent who remains stable and there for them. As the transition of divorce begins they see that their parents each get a fresh start to build new lives. But where is their fresh start?

They don't get one. They get stuck. For a very long time living at two homes, with two separate parents. How is this right? Their fresh start begins when they leave both nests and fly away on their own.

We are in an epidemic of "I want to be happy" in this country. That concept is a little more accepted when you are a free-wheeling single person. You have plenty of time after 8-5 work hours to celebrate all the things that "make you happy" as long as you are living by the word of God. But once you get married you make a covenant before God with another person to put them and their needs above you. Forever. In sickness and in health. Till death do you part. When you have children this promise is further deepened and you do everything you can to sacrifice for your children's best interests.

But when someone begins thinking along the lines of "I can't be happy in this marriage, I would be a better parent if we were divorced." it's the Devil. The devil is full of whispers, lies and empty promises. He wants to entice you, create self-doubt, ignite justification, and make you think that things of the flesh will make you happy.... new clothes, a fancy car, expensive meals, first class flights, sex with someone else, the list goes on. But it's all false advertisement. There are consequences to these choices in the name of "happiness" one has pursued. In the end no one really wins. And least of all the children.

Someone today who has convinced themselves that in order to parent sucuessfully and "be happy" really needs to be mentally evaluated. Their thoughts are misguided and not right. God knows this. They have made their poor decisions already based on "their happiness". Not based on holiness, hence for the good of their children. So how are they truly capable of being good parents? They haven't been looking out for their children's best interests. The best course of action in society today would be mandatory counseling for anyone who has stepped outside their marriage, outside their family and caused a threat to their children's security.

But that is not how our world works unfortunately.

There is free will, and nothing set in stone that forces anyone to deal with their issues in a pro-active manner versus just opting out.

So what can you do if a divorce is inevitable?

If there is zero chance of a marriage being salvaged?

Put your children first.

9 Tips For Children and Divorce: 

1. Ask them how they feel. They have feelings. They have thoughts about how their life is changing. Assure them that they still have a family. Yes, it will be different but they will still always be a family.

2. Listen. Just sit with them. Listen to how they feel. Admit you may not always have all the answers or even be able to give them the information they want but that you will always listen.

3. Validate their feelings. This is so incredibly important. Kids need to know that their feelings count. That they are important. Assure them they have every right to feel sad, disappointed, jipped and angry. Acknowledge that anger is usually a secondary emotion, that it usually follows hurt.

4. Stay neutral. Don't talk bad about your spouse. Don't color their view of them. Don't make them pick sides. More than likely, they already know the facts. They know if you've been fighting or if this was out of the blue and unexpected. Reassure them the divorce is not their fault. Kids don't need to hear the negative. Right now more than anything they need positivity.

5. Hug them. Sometimes nothing is more reassuring than a hug. It helps begin to heal all wounds. Along with that buy them a special lovey for this time if they don't already have one. They need that extra comfort and no one is ever too old for comfort. This is not the time to tell them to "act like a big kid." etc. Act like the adult and acknowledge your children's need for some extra comfort.

6. Pray. Pray together with your children for the family. Pray for your spouse. Acknowledge that God is looking out for you and will bring you through any darkness to light once again. This is a time when children's trust and faith have been hurt. Turning to God during this time will show them that no matter how difficult life may be we can always count on God!

7. Give them hope. Hope that things will get better even if it's in tiny steps. That there will be fun. Come up with some concrete ideas on new traditions to start, new things to look forward to and get excited about making a new plan. Kids will appreciate it more than you know.

8. Tell them you love them. Seems like a no-brainer but in the midst of so much to do and when emotions may be high, those three little words have huge power and affirmation for them. Let them know that you both love them and will always be there for them no matter what.

9. Discuss any parenting issues privately and away from the children so they don't overhear. It is more important than ever to present a united and positive front to your children. It will make them feel more secure in a very insecure time.

10. Divorce is never easy. Take it one day at a time. When in doubt as to how to handle a situation or a conversation just take pause. Pause and reflect before answering. Everything won't be perfect or seamless.

There will be challenging moments but in that you can know that God is there to guide you. He loves you and your children. He is there to help you make the best decisions for your family. And after you have given all you have to your children, when you find yourself depleted at the end of the day needing some comfort yourself, He is there for you too.

His love never fails.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2012 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts:

Divorce: 6 Things To Never Tell Your Children 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/divorce-6-things-to-never-tell-your.html

You're Getting A Divorce: 10 Tips On How To Tell Your Children 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/youre-getting-divorce-10-tips-on-how-to.html