After A Sociopath: Giving Love A Chance

“Young Tourist Couple Looking At The Views In The City” by nenetus via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

March 2016 

names have been omitted in this post 

*****************

I fiddled with my bracelets in hues of green, blue and turquoise gracing my right wrist. Seated on the brown leather couch I flashed a smile at my therapist taking a seat across from me. Wearing a navy v-neck silk blouse and black slacks I spoke "I'm good, thank you. It's been, um, an interesting past few weeks." I told her.

She smiled knowingly and nodded. "How is your daughter?" We chatted a few moments catching her up to date on her latest struggles with her father which was the primary reason for my sessions and then she asked. "So… are you still seeing the man you met?"

Hesitation… a big exhale and I glanced at her. "No, I'm not." I admitted.

She gave me a concerned look and spoke. "Why?"

"I told him I thought it best if we didn't pursue dating. I mean… "I trailed off. "He lives an hour away. The distance is an issue… just trying to get together is a struggle and it's not right of him to have to do all that driving. I mean… I'm just trying to be logical here… at some point we might decide to throw in the towel because it's too great a distance. We both have kids and shared custody… things like school and commutes factor in. I can't leave this county according to my divorce decree. That's reality. I just didn't want either one of us to be heartbroken later on, one or two years invested later... only to confirm that yes, the distance was an issue. You know what I mean?" I asked her for confirmation.

She nodded but gazed at me thoughtfully. "But you like him? A lot, I mean?" She asked.

I nodded. "Yes… I mean, we were in contact daily, multiple times a day… we just click. From what I can gather he's a good dad, our values appear similar, our personalities and humor mesh and he's thoughtful. I'm attracted to him. I find myself smiling like a jackass and yet he's very sweet. I haven't seen any red flags… I guess it's sad to admit, but I keep looking for them... scrutinizing. Not that there couldn't be red flags at some point... but as of now I really can't say enough good things about him. I'm being cautious but at some point isn't that a hindrance?" I ventured aloud thoughtfully.

She studied me carefully. "I see your concerns. I do… and I'm not going to let you believe otherwise… it WILL be an issue. The distance is going to be challenging no doubt. Because hypothetically long term? If it worked? I understand that you are merely trying to be mindful of the logistics. And that's very wise. But... if there is something there… a connection, maybe even love... " She trailed off and smiled... "Isn't it worth pursuing? Yes, you might get your heart broken… you might break his…" She admitted, "But what if it works out?" She asked me.

I nodded. "I've been second guessing my decision. I may have been too hasty. I've missed him this past week. A lot." I admitted. "He actually reached out to me today and said hello. I was glad he did. I had actually planned to but wanted to get some feedback from you on this… I'm struggling." I admitted.

She smiled.  "Well… then… is there money? I mean, to make it work? That is if you both decided to at some point later on obviously? Because it may require two houses for awhile." She informed me.

I shrugged. "I have no idea to what extent. However… he did toss out the idea at some point that he could get a place here in town for the weeks he doesn't have his children so he'd be closer to me." 

She raised her eyebrows with interest. "Did he? What did you say?" She inquired.

I exhaled. "I replied that I was flattered but that didn't make financial sense."

She peered at me over her glasses and raised an eyebrow. "You what? Oh dear… " She sighed.

I grimaced at her. "I know… later in hindsight I thought to myself… who am I to tell him how to spend his money? I mean, really? I shouldn't have done that. Yet my intentions were merely being practical." I confessed.

"I agree, you overstepped a boundary. I mean, that's really his place to decide that." She pointed out and I visibly winced. She spoke again with care. "But don't you realize what that means? Just that he threw that out there says a lot." She pointed out.

I ran my hands through my hair and bit my lip. "I know… but I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I feel guilt if he's doing all the driving." I told her.

She shook her head. "Obviously he doesn't see it that way." She peered at me over her glasses. "Don't you think that maybe he sees what a treasure you are, that you are more than worth it?" She asked kindly.

I shifted uncomfortably on the couch and tears sprang to my eyes "Okay... and yet I'm torn. I don't want to get duped again. And yet rationally the man's given me zero reason to believe I'm being duped. And yet in that… once you've been through this crazy stuff I've been through how fully can you really trust anyone? And yet I don't want to screw up by not giving someone a chance." I told her.

I didn't need a re-run of what had happened with Jeremy. I couldn't do that twice. I'd risk getting hurt again over that… what happened with him nearly did me in. I didn't want to repeat history of a pain that was more unbearable than any other loss of a relationship. It was time to dive in again and take a chance at love. 

I left my thoughts and returned to my conversation with her. "And I guess on some level I want easy. I don't want hard..." I trailed off and sighed."You have to understand... I am so tired. So, so, so incredibly tired." I paused and reflected. "I feel so much older than what I am. Childhood was hard, school was hard, my marriage was hard… my ex makes everything so hard regarding our daughter. I don't want love to be hard too… I mean, I guess I should clarify that and say I don't want to make it more complicated than it should or has to be. I guess that makes sense." I explained. 

She nodded empathetically and gently spoke. "And I get that as well. Jennifer, you have been through a lot. And there will always be things to sort out… in this case it's distance… but if he's willing to help with the distance and you mesh that well… why not try?" She asked then gave me a pointed look. "It's merely dating him, that's all and seeing where it goes. It's ultimately up to you… but I would reach out to him and tell him you've been hasty. Just tell him what you told me." She stressed. 

I grimaced. "He's going to think I'm a total flake." I lamented, feeling a little embarrassed.

She shook her head with a smile. "No. He won't. He will be thrilled. But ultimately it's up to you."

I knew the answer. I was going to reach out to him. I was going to take a chance. 

*****************

10 Ways To Know You Are Ready To Take A Chance On Love: 

1. Letting your walls come down. We can't let someone in to love us if we have barriers they cannot get past… we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable in sharing our thoughts, emotions, past, present, future, hopes, losses, fears, dreams, goals and even affection. 

2. Realizing in the past you held people at arms length and 

lost people who wanted to love you and not allowing that to happen again. 

3. Acknowledging your past hurts and taking the knowledge you

 have now to watch for signs of toxic behavior. 

4. Knowing you have the power to choose. You have the power to choose and not be chosen. 

5. You have the power to walk away only after you've truly given love a chance. 

6. Negative generalizations of "all men are liars, cheats, users, etc" or "all women are liars, cheats and gold diggers etc" have been replaced with "Some people are capable of love and others aren't." 

7. Deep down knowing you are worthy of a real love and are not unlovable. 

8. Knowing you can make it on your own and are not confusing security and love. 

9. Having friendships and goals other than finding love… having balance in your life. 

10. Enjoying the fun in your relationship… relishing the new chapter you are in. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016  

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Dumping Them AND The Guilt

“Woman Lying Down On Bed” by photo stock via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

February 2016 

some names have been omitted in this post 

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The February wind whipped my long hair and I wished I'd brought my jean jacket with me that I'd left in the SUV. I watched a toddler take careful steps toward her smiling mother near the bench I shared with my friend. Our daughters played nearby swinging on the park swings laughing in unison. Sunlight streamed upon us and I could feel the warmth of the seventy degrees on my cheek, relishing it as the wind died momentarily. 

She reached out and touched my arm. "What's going on? There's something bothering you." 

"I've been dealing with all this guilt." I admitted. "After breaking it off with the last guy. I mean… "I trailed off. "I keep feeling like I could have handled it better." 

She looked at me intently and then sat up a little straighter and spoke. "Tell me. Tell me how you could have handled it better." 

"That's the problem… I really don't know." I told her. "I mean, I keep going back to if I told someone I had ADHD and they came back and told me 'I'm not signing up for that, bye'…. The truth is, it would hurt my feelings. It would. So, I can see that my telling him I'm not signing up for his bi-polar symptoms could be hurtful to him. And that wasn't my intent at all." I shared with her. 

"Yes…" She agreed. "I know you didn't mean for it to be hurtful. But. And I mean BUT," She added with emphasis, "You also broke it off with this same man who is stalkerish, who then admitted to you he can manipulate, that he has sociopathic tendencies, who never respected your boundaries on insanely long texts 24/7, who shared that he has no intention of taking medication for his bi-polar... so he's making the choice to not take care of his health. So tell me Jennifer, exactly why you feel guilty?" She sat back and crossed her arms looking at me expectantly. 

I was taken aback by her bluntness. She had hit the nail on the head. Yet it was what I needed. A good verbal knocking upside the head to wake up and quit beating myself up for telling him: "Do you really think I'm going to sign up for your bi-polar?!"

I grimaced. "I know you're right. I KNOW I made the right decision to break it off, it's just been difficult coping with the bi-polar part of it." I admitted to her. "That part made me feel like a hypocrite." 

"You have the right to choose what you want. What's best for you. Do you think God wants you to be with creepy stalker guy?" She asked and I laughed while she pressed onward. "God loves you. You have the right to shut the door without any explanation. You don't have to get into discussing it, you can just say bye. And quite frankly, as much as I'd love to see you meet the "right guy" who will love you… I'd rather see you stay on your own than sign up for another bad marriage. I don't want to see you go through that again. I mean… do you?" She asked pointedly. 

"No, I don't." I agreed quietly.

"I'm so sorry…" She leaned over and hugged me. "What else is going on? I feel like there's more to this." 

I cleared my throat and spoke, "I think it's loneliness. I was doing so well. I think the move had me busy and preoccupied. Now everything is settled and in place… work is going well, the house is set up… and yet I find myself feeling a void." I mused aloud. 

I had set new goals I was really excited about…  additional flower beds to create, activities with my daughter, blogs to write, fitness goals, etc. But for whatever reason every day the loneliness crept in and I found myself grasping for what to do about it… how to handle it. I knew rationally that loneliness wasn't reason to be in a relationship… in reality it was a recipe for disaster.

And yet the loneliness remained there… lurking like a silent heavy companion that offered no comfort but the continual reminder that ultimately when you curl up in bed under the covers each night you don't share it with someone special. Throw the guilt I'd been feeling on top of the loneliness and it was an unsettled feeling that needed to be dealt with. I recognized it for what it was. It only confirmed I needed to continue to grow and set new goals… guilt I needed to let go of and loneliness meant I needed to draw closer to God in my walk with Him. Because ultimately… single or with someone… no one completely comforts or satisfies but Him.

It's "yea, though I walk

 through the valley." 

Not "yea, when I sit 

down and whine 

in the valley."

 Keep walking. 

~ Tony Evans 

*******************

WHEN GUILT KNOCKS ON YOUR DOOR… 

It's often when we speak of our ex with transparent valid dislike other's may judge us… make us out like were just terrible, non-caring human beings… like a person without a heart. Or maybe we stand strong(!) and break it off as we should with the toxic one... 

Then we either feel defensive(!) toward those judging us or maybe even guilt (immediate or later) for breaking it off or just in how we handled it… or a combination of both. The thing is… a narcissist or worse, a sociopath is purposefully doing the awful things they do. 

Some would argue yes, but THAT is because they were wounded, damaged as children and are now living the only way they know how… they argue this is the unintended outcome of the abuse they lived during their impressionable childhood years… cause and effect… they should be pitied some say and not denounced as evil.

So in the enlightenment in dealing with the guilt we may feel; as we wade through all these unpleasant feelings regarding the toxic one who has created so much hurt in our life… we remember this:

As empathetic individuals we may wish (at times) we weren't so empathetic because we may believe it opens us up to more hurt… but that's not the answer. The world desperately needs more empathy, not less. The answer lies in remaining empathetic to the wounded but saying no to suffering at the hands of them. We shouldn't excuse someone's poor behavior. They must be held accountable. But we also don't have to remain out in the open, vast land like vulnerable prey just waiting to be hunted down, shot or ravaged. We can take refuge and know that we don't have to expose ourselves to someone's agenda. We have the right to protect ourselves. We have to have the insight to realize that yes, we may have enjoyed some aspects of this person… maybe her wit, perhaps her sense of adventure, maybe his intelligence or his physical affection. Yet at the end of the day the hurt, pain and grief the person caused far outweighed the few positives they shared with us. 


Did you think we'd be fine? Still got scars on my back from your knife
So don't think it's in the past, these kinda wounds they last and they last.
Now did you think it all through? All these things will catch up to you
And time can heal but this won't, so if you're coming my way, just don't

- Taylor Swift Bad Blood via azlyrics.com 



It's then that we ask ourselves: 

How much are we willing to suffer for a few positives?

Are we willing to suffer through verbal abuse?

"Think about leaving me. You will regret it in days, weeks, months, years. And you'll have no one to blame but yourself when you're alone. Because no one will want you."

Are we willing to suffer through physical abuse? 

Being pushed, shoved, hit, kicked, etc = having bruises, broken bones, black eyes, etc.

Are we willing to suffer through emotional abuse? 

You tell your partner you're really hurt, angry, frustrated etc about x,y, z… instead of listening and responding with love; trying to understand and be there for you he or she begins coming back with: "I'm not responding to your anger(!) You're the one with the issue." And proceeds to walk away. Not only has he or she completely invalidated your concern and feelings but then has shut down communication by walking away (stonewalling) and ending the conversation… leaving you feeling not not heard and dismissed, even possibly feeling dramatic, unstable, anxious, etc.


We don't have to suffer.

Letting go of someone you have loved may be one of the hardest things you will ever do. But it's so much easier than holding onto someone hurtful and cruel, or even worse, someone who has already let go of you. ~ Zane Baker 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016

RELATED POSTS: 


A Sociopath's Love: I'm So Sick Of This

Divorce & Loneliness: 7 Tips

Narcissistic Father's: Living In The Lion's Den

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!

Dating A Narcissist: 3 More Red Flags

“Close Up Of A Man Using Mobile Phone” by stock images via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

names have been omitted in this post 

December 2015 

********************

I sat across from my therapist in skinny jeans and a black hoodie discussing the patterns I had begun noticing during the short course of my recent relationship. I explained how the small signs eventually grew to such large red flags I was no longer able to minimize or ignore them.

"It was unreal… the amount of text messages he was sending… page after page of rambling texts about his love, sentiment and passion for me… along with a constant update of his day no matter how minute.  I'd send a quick reply, or not respond because I couldn't or didn't see a need to… and yet an hour or so later there would be another string of texts." I paused and then continued "The odd thing was even after I initially mentioned how he was texting so much he didn't let up. He even went so far as to say that he didn't need me to respond, that he was fine with just sending me his thoughts…" I trailed off, thinking how very narcissistic of him.

She sat across from me and shook her head "I'm wondering how on earth he worked and accomplished anything during the day… if he's sending you this many texts. These aren't really texts… this is more like journaling." She pointed out.

I nodded and agreed "I had thought the same thing. And if a guy is texting you that much you have to wonder how much quality time he's spending with his child… it makes you question him as a father. I even pointed that out to him. He came back with excuses. Everything became a red flag as the relationship progressed. He began pushing to want to move in with me. I told him that I wasn't living with a man unless we were married and we needed to take things slow. He said it made more financial sense to live together. Ha! Toward the end I began seeing signs that his "walk with God" didn't match what was biblically correct. That was yet another sign."

She concurred and spoke "I definitely see red flags."

We chatted a little more and finally she smiled at me with a sigh of relief "But you know now…  you saw the signs and heeded them. And I will tell you that in the first three months of dating someone is when we decide what are the deal breakers… and when we typically see any red flags. So what are you wanting to do now?" She asked.

"My mother says I'm too closed off, that I'm not receptive to men." I told her.

She nodded "Well, you do have to be open. You can meet someone anywhere… at the museum, a sporting event, even the grocery store. But you have to make eye contact, smile and speak."

"Yeah…"I trailed off.

She peered at me "What age man are you thinking you'd be interested in?"

"I'm not into zip lining, scuba diving, Six Flags, all that. I think it makes it really hard when you're not. My age group from what I've gathered on the dating sites seem to gravitate toward that stuff. I would enjoy a date seeing a show and having dinner, maybe a play or a movie…get dessert, go to the museum… I'm thinking a little older might be a better match." I told her.

She nodded "I would agree… although generally speaking not all thirty five year old men are immature. There are exceptions."

I spoke "I'm thinking the oldest around forty nine, fifty" I told her. "I just turned thirty nine."

She concurred "I wouldn't go any older than that… I'd try to stay around forty five. I've had many couples meet on the dating sites match and eharmony." She informed me "Have you considered those?"

"Yes" I nodded "The online dating thing kinda scares me."

She grinned "That's what I'm here for. You print off their profile and bring it to me. I'll take a look."

I smiled and nodded, thanking her.


At the beginning of a new relationship we may be so giddy and high from the chemical feelings that accompany new love that we aren't thinking clearly. But it's so important that we stay grounded and watch for signs that we are with someone that isn't truly capable of loving us… but more like putting us through grief and heartbreak. In my recent relationship there were so many red flags… here are three more I observed…


1. During my parents marriage everything revolved around what my father wanted to do. He chose the trips, the meals, the homes purchased, the repairs done, the furniture bought, the vehicles driven, etc. My mother had zero voice in nearly forty years of marriage… if she tried to speak up and assert what she wanted, fits, pouting and passive aggressive behavior on his part like driving erratically in the car to intimidate her would ensue. I soon began to notice similar behaviors with the man I dated… he always pushed for the restaurant he wanted to eat at… he whined I had taken a trip and he would have liked to have gone… it was 99.9% of the time about what he wanted to do. A man who behaves like a man knows it's not all about him… that it takes two people to be considered a couple, to be in a relationship… and remembers that his partner should have a voice and decision making in what she wants as well.


2. My twelve year marriage was devoid of passion and chemistry. Many people who have been with narcissists and sociopaths have stated that the sex was passion filled. Perhaps some narcissists and sociopaths are skilled in the bedroom… my marriage was not one that fit that description. Our sex life was more comparable to my painful "going through the motions with crossed arms" and a "let's get this over with" type scenario. When you live like that for so long it can't be helped but to feel incredibly jipped… when one partner is more focused on their quick release(!) than actually taking the time for both people to enjoy the moment mutually. So imagine my surprise when one kiss with the man I dated made me want more… chemistry so electrifying that I was somewhat blushingly caught off guard at how he made me feel with the cup of my face and his lips on mine. He began to talk about all the things he wanted to do after we married; him voicing his burning desire to please me sexually one day as a husband. His future intentions murmured in my ear amidst forehead kisses soon became a red flag. The issue was his soon all-consuming focus on it that set off my radar and made me begin to cringe... our future sex life appeared to be his main focus, not just one of the many important elements that make up a relationship. Soon it wasn't really all about the idea of pleasing me one day but instead puffing how brilliant his skills were. As I began to hear more and more I considered giving him a gold sticker for patting himself on the back… but then came to the conclusion he'd already started his own sticker collection.


3. Empaths are guilty of being people pleasers, givers, ready to help to a fault and over extending themselves. They often find it difficult to set boundaries with people… especially those of a narcissistic nature as narc's are typically always takers and users. As my relationship progressed I began feeling used, noticing he always needed a favor… he needed to store some things at my place, he needed to do some laundry at my place, he needed me to drive, etc. It was always something it seemed. And yet when the night came that I needed some assurance he was there for me… he was unwilling and going to sleep. (You can read that post here) The stark difference in our behaviors shone brightly and I cringed at each incident… silently tallying, chalking up yet more points against him… him blindly losing me more and more each day until I could no longer remain silent, confronted him and abruptly broke it off.


When it comes to dipping our feet back in the dating pool we can try to look at it from a positive viewpoint… yes, we will have bad days and wonder if we will ever meet someone healthy. But those of us who have been with narcissists and sociopaths we ourselves are a work in progress getting healthy… we are practicing setting boundaries and healthy expectations not only for ourselves but for the relationship and person we will one day marry. Realizing we are dating another narcissist is not the end of the world… disappointing? Without a doubt, yes. But with each person we are gaining strength and putting our knowledge to the test… we are looking for red flags and becoming better at pinpointing them sooner than before. We are becoming confident and less doubtful of signs we need to heed. And with each relationship we are one step closer to becoming the healthiest version of ourselves… so we can be ready to not just fall in love with someone amazing but most importantly… not lose ourselves doing it.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

RELATED POSTS:

Relationships: Setting Healthy Boundaries & Expectations

When He Tries To Change You! And 5 Tips To Not Change Him

Desperation: Drop It like It's Hot

Dating A Sociopath: 5 Warning Signs To Cut The Cord

“Man Holding A Rose” by phaendin via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

names have been omitted in this post 

November 2015 

this post contains some language 

*****************

I sat curled up on the opposite end of the taupe couch from my mother wearing gray lounge pants, a dark navy pullover, a thick scarf around my neck and hair in a bun atop my head. It was the week of Thanksgiving… my daughter was at her dad's and we were enjoying some down time, specifically some girl time watching marathons of Julia Robert's movies, making hot cocoa and enjoying hot soup. The temps in Texas had dipped to the forties at night and with the northern wind it had brought rain along with it. I listened to the rain coming down outside, the television flashing commercials across the room from me and my mother spoke, picking up from a conversation interrupted by our show earlier.

"I mean… I just don't understand something… how is it that I was married to your father for almost forty years and yet somehow… I don't even know how this is possible…" She admitted ruefully. "But generally speaking, mind you, how can you have a much, much lower opinion of men than I even do?" She asked, looking at me dumbfounded.

Silence.

"I don't know…" I finally replied. "Do I?" I asked her.

She stared at me like I had to be kidding… "What's the first thing you think to yourself when a man looks at you like he's interested?" She asked me. "I mean, honestly."

I didn't miss a beat. "Typically I think shit off." I replied bluntly. 

She stared at me. "You have a problem." She declared. "What are you going to do about it?" She pressed.

I laughed uncomfortably and shifted on the couch, my arms crossed, my body language closed off. "I have a problem?" I echoed. "Really?"

"Yeah. Men smile and talk to me all the time. I just have a conversation with them. And they just smile…" She trailed off catching my expression.

I shrugged in response. I thought back to a conversation I'd had with the guy I'd recently dated. We had been in the car one day and he asked me in an amused tone "So… do you think I'm a sociopath?" I had reflexively gripped the leather steering wheel tighter and glanced over at him. He stared at me with a piercing gaze waiting for a response. "At this point I assume anyone is." I replied cooly. I remembered a Dr. Phil video I'd watched where he'd talked about how we are crazy to ever give people the benefit of the doubt. He said instead we need to gather information about everyone we meet before we hand over our hearts, trust, etc. Everyone is suspect until they've proved their not.

"Yeah. You have a problem." She told me adamantly. "I mean, how do you think you're ever going to meet someone? You don't go anywhere! You work, you run errands, you come home. You meet friends for a meal or fun. That's it. And most of them are married or don't know anyone to introduce you to. When are you going to get out there? When are you going to start putting yourself out there so you can meet someone? Do you think he's just going to show up and knock on your door?" She asked me incredulously.

"That'd be way easier." I replied dryly not finding the conversation enjoyable at all. Wasn't there something I needed to be doing right now? Like re-organizing all the closets or scrubbing bathroom grout with a toothbrush? Something that took an eternity to complete? 

She sighed, her exasperation showing.

"What?" I asked her, my question coming out with an uncomfortable half laugh. I looked over at her. "I don't want to talk about this anymore." I told her wanting to end the conversation.

"You don't want to talk about it anymore because you know I'm right, that's why!" She insisted.

I wrinkled my nose. "No" I replied. "I just don't see why you're bringing this up. What is all this about, anyway?" I asked and got up to retrieve some extra paper napkins from the kitchen nearby.

She sighed "Okay. I just wish you'd be honest and admit you'd rather be comfortable. You'd rather not get out of your comfort zone to meet someone." She told me. Then in the silence she finally asked "What is it that you're so afraid of?" 

I didn't respond. What was this? A therapy session? I swallowed hard and fiddled with the now fraying edge of my white paper napkin. A cup of broccoli cheese soup sat on the coffee table growing cold.

She had hit a nerve and now another one. I sat silent absorbing everything she'd said. Thankfully the show returned to the screen and my time in the hot seat had come to an end.

But I kept thinking on what she said… mulling it over in my mind. Finally, even though I didn't want to admit it, I realized she was right. Mom's or those closet to us like friends are good that way. They will tell us the very painful and not so pretty things we need to hear… truths that maybe we don't want to hear but in reality ring loud and clear. Maybe one contributing factor was being an introvert, I admitted. Perhaps another factor no matter how cliche; I was tired of being disappointed and didn't want to find myself hitched to yet another psycho.

"The human condition is imperfect and when we realize we will endure hurts that affect our outlook in life we can give ourselves compassion and begin to grow beyond where we currently are. 

Diminishing how we feel makes us stuck. 

Accepting how we feel makes us stronger."

- Jennifer Gafford 

At this point I wasn't certain if all men were needy or it was just a glaring sign of the dysfunctional men I'd been with. The man I'd married and then the man I had recently dated had pushed for much more interaction via text and phone than what I'd wanted nor believed to be normal. I wasn't certain what was considered healthy in terms of the amount of interaction one would or should have during a typical day with someone their dating. However, based on what I'd experienced; the constant over the top staying in touch only served to drive me away. It made me believe all men were needy, insecure, what have you and that was enough to make me say just forget it. 

But just when we begin to subscribe to a "Oh, just forget it!" type attitude… someone comes along that changes our mind… that makes us pause… that convicts us, that makes us freeze… they are saying all the things that touch our heart because they make our eyes wet in response. So I'm going to share with you what I was told today: 

"I want you to know it gets better. It will. Don't give up, don't throw in the towel, don't let your heart become hardened. There is someone out there. You're going to meet someone and it will be great. It's going to be okay." 

In my last (very short) relationship I saw early signs of dysfunction (thank the good Lord) before I cut the cord. Here are five things I observed... 

1. FLATTERY 
If he's texting you incessantly with over the top flattery and gushes of love: "I love you so much and always will", "I wish I'd met you when we were younger, I'd love for you to have my children", "I believe we are soul mates, we were designed for one another", "You're all I think about and I want to be around you all the time", "You're so amazing and I'm the luckiest man on the face of the earth." He's "love-bombing" you. This is a classic tactic of narcissists and sociopaths. They love to show how much they adore you via words but sadly the actions very often do not match up... at least not for the long haul. 

2. INSECURITY
He shows his insecurity by saying things like: "I don't deserve someone like you", "I never thought I could get someone so beautiful, talented, kind as you". What he's not telling you is this: Deep down I really hate and resent you for it too... because you're such a reminder of my inadequacies. The flip side of a man saying: "I never thought I could get someone like you" is after they say it enough you begin to wonder: So WHY am I with you?? Because even YOU think I could do better! So I guess I should. The truth is... insecurity is never attractive. Cockiness isn't either. Finding someone who has a healthy amount of confidence is key. 

3. CONTROL 
You go to his house and you're wearing the watch you picked out and bought when you were married...  and the necklace your ex bought you (the necklace you still love). He looks at what you're wearing and says "And... you wore that here." He promptly buys you a new watch. Excuse me? I can wear whatever I choose. His behavior shows control and insecurity. 

4. PRESSURE
He begins pressuring you about a ring and getting married. He's looking at rings and talking about having something custom made when you've asked him several times to put the brakes on because he's moving too fast. And yet... he ignores your request and continues. 

5. DISRESPECT
He's disrespectful of your time and selfish. You tell him you're going to be busy that evening because you have plans. And yet he texts you incessantly the entire evening wanting to engage in a all night text-a-thon. He doesn't respect your boundaries and puts his needs ahead of your much needed time with others.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

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Fasting and praying for a mate involves not only commitment to God, but also confidence in God. Abraham was telling his servant that the Lord who promised his descendants would inherit the land would also provide the descendants. Our second principle then introduces faith in divine guidance. This faith was not some nebulous faith, but an expressed faith. It was a faith that inspires us to follow.

We can expect God to intervene in our situations because He will honor our commitment and give us contentment while we are waiting. Abraham’s servant got up and got going. Faith is not passive. It steps out on the promises of God.   Read more via… Tony Evans

To My Readers: Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing! 

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Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely
I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue
I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted
And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new

Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wondering what in the world did I do?
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying

And I'm crazy for loving you
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you.

Patsy Cline - Crazy Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

“I Am Crazy About You On Mobile Means Love” 

by Stuart Miles via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

November 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

*******************

"I just don't think I should have to tell you how to be in a relationship… "I explained gingerly, choosing my words with care. "I mean, I just don't believe I should have to explain the very basics. I got lost leaving your house that one night and had no business driving after dark when I can't see well. I've told you that…." I reminded him.  "I flew to Savannah Georgia for a week long vacation and as someone who tells me he loves and cares about me it wouldn't have been out of the ordinary for you to offer to take me to the airport and pick me up." I told him calmly. "It wouldn't have been out of the ordinary for me to expect that of you. Words alone aren't enough. Actions matter. Yet you didn't offer and then when I return to find my car with a dead battery at the airport I text you and let you know I made it in but I'm waiting for a jump from the airport courtesy service… you tell me ok and that you're going to sleep. I didn't feel cared for. It's not insane for me to expect more than this. I deserve more than this." I added, thinking of all the hell I had been through with my ex and standing firm that I wasn't going to entertain a relationship with another unhealthy person. Stand strong, I told myself… you don't have to accept this.

Soon came the blaming… the twisting and finger pointing…"Well… you're so independent and I didn't want to take that from you. And you should have asked me to take you and pick you up. I wondered why you didn't." He told me.

Shock went through me. "Excuse me?" I responded "My independence?" I echoed "Yeah, I'm independent. Yeah, I can drive myself. I've done it before. But what a cop-out on your part. I shouldn't have to ask you." I replied. My thoughts swirled and I thought how incredibly lazy his actions were. His actions didn't reflect love and care. Not even friendship. Far from it. More like thoughtless and indifferent.

I asked him to come pick up the few things he'd left at my home… DVD'S from movie night, a sketch pad, etc. He did begrudgingly and as I stood on the front lawn with oversized Jackie O sunglasses on to hide my face he peered at me closely, scrutinizing and spoke… "You're pulling away from me. You're doing the same thing you did to your ex right before you left him. I can feel it. Please take your sunglasses off and let me look at you." He said and reached out to slip my sunglasses off my face.

I dodged his out-reached grasp by backing up and pursed my lips saying nothing. My silence said everything. But my mind was spinning. I bit my tongue and held back. I didn't feel safe to say much. A man's words to me once echoed in my head "Don't poke the bear…" and I clung to them… just ease him out of here, I thought to myself. I pasted a smile on my face, told him I'd be in touch sometime soon, that I had a lot on my plate for now, managed one last weak smile and gently told him goodbye with a hug. Then watched as he drove away.


Soon came the texts to follow… the gates opened and what resembled crazy came pouring out at me "You're right, please give me another chance…" and then back to more blaming... "I'm not a mind reader and a psychic..." Soon came in texts upon harassing texts… texts that ranged from crying "I care about you and love you and don't want to lose you…" to "I promise I won't text you again…" and then ironically, oh so painfully the phone pinged that another stream of despondent forlorn texts had arrived. Texts that if printed would fill a book… texts that became more and more desperate to get a response. Texts that left me with shaking hands and my beginning to feel like I was trapped and held hostage in some kind of texting hell. No, no, no. Make. It. Stop. I thought as I finally silenced my phone after days of non-stop harassment.

Soon came an unannounced visit to my home with roses and I had had enough. I finally broke my silence and texted him that his excessive texting and visit was making me begin to think I needed a restraining order. More texts streamed in that he didn't want me to feel that way and he was so sorry and that he just didn't want to lose me and he didn't understand how he had screwed up so bad.

*****************

A man's words mean nothing 

if his actions don't reflect love. 

A man's love means nothing 

if he twists and blames you for where he failed. 

A man's sanity is questioned if he doesn't know to step back and assess his behavior and give space to others but instead engages in a desperate plea that only serves to further push you away and question your very safety. 

10 SIGNS HE'S NOT EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY OR MATURE:

1. He doesn't practice the basics of chivalry; opening doors, offering to pick you up, ensuring you make it home safely, carrying heavy things, walking on the side of the sidewalk closet to the street, etc.

2. Not being able to assess an issue in a relationship with calm focus and give space when needed; forcing interaction, attempting to wear you down through harassment, waffling between twisting the truth to blaming and then becoming emotionally unhinged; showing desperation, crying, appearing despondent.

3. Being emotionally dependent on you; expecting you to fulfill him emotionally 24/7… which is narcissistic, self-centered and draining for you.

4. Expecting you to give, give, give but giving very little to nothing in return in terms of care and support… you begin to feel used instead of loved.

5. He spends time trying to get you to think like him, like what he likes and do what he wants instead of seeing the relationship as a sharing of individual likes, interests, goals and dreams.

6. Reacting in an unhealthy manner because he doesn't get his way; you voice displeasure about something and instead of him reacting with: "I understand. I get what you're telling me. I'm sorry for doing (or not doing) x,y,z" simple and to the point… instead you find yourself on the receiving end of emotions that are all over the place.

7. He plays the victim and says that you're making him suffer.

8. He uses guilt as a tactic to make you feel sorry for setting healthy boundaries for yourself or expressing very basic expectations.

9. He begins to be seen as a child in your eyes instead of a man; shirking his responsibilities and/or showing extreme neediness toward you (which is often what you later realize is really control).

10. He wears you out… you find yourself becoming tired and worn down where you once had energy and strength. It's time to make a change and get back to living your life. And tell him goodbye.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

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“Razor Wire” by artur84 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

November 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

***********************

Walking in the front door my gray leather booties clacked on the entry floor and I paused to lean over and unzip them. Slipping my feet out of them I set my oversized bag on the zebra printed bench. Wearing skinny jeans and an oversized plaid button down shirt I removed my watch and set it on the Queen Anne entry table.

"Hey! I'm home!" I called out to my mother.

She emerged from the den in her pajamas with an alarmed expression on her face.

"Hey! Where have you been?!" She exclaimed with concern.

I rolled my eyes and yanked the hair elastic off my right wrist so I could begin pulling my hair into a messy bun atop my head.

"Where haven't I been! You would not believe my night! I've just been on a tour of all of DFW, that's where! I don't even know how it happened! How the heck I ended up heading north to Colleyville, I have NO IDEA!" I told her.

Her eyes widened "Colleyville?!" She exclaimed. "What the heck? Well, I've been sitting here getting worried wondering where on earth you were!" She replied.

"I know, I figured you were. I was trying to get home! I STILL don't know what I did wrong… which turn I missed." I admitted as I followed her into the kitchen and began opening the stainless steel fridge to survey what was available to eat. Milk, eggs and leftovers from the dinner I'd cooked the night before of chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans were revealed. I was absolutely starving and it was late. I wanted something sweet.

"Why did he not drive you home?" She demanded. "You shouldn't have gone to his place to hang out! Here it is… late, DARK and you can't see well at night. You have NO business out driving at night and he should know that. You're getting all turned around and lost and he's sitting on his ass at his house. There is something wrong with this picture." She told me angrily. She pursed her lips and crossed her arms as she watched me yank a gallon of peppermint ice cream out of the freezer and begin digging into it with a spoon. Peppermint goodness swirled in my mouth from a bite and I waved my spoon with irritation in the air as I spoke.

"Yeah! I know! I shouldn't have driven to his place. I should have just told him if he wanted to see me he could come by here. Instead I'm getting lost and can't see worth a you-know-what because my eyes are so dry." I agreed and then added "I've told him I can't see well to drive at night."

"Yes, yes you did." She nodded "And he should take it seriously. And he should be looking out for you. Supposedly he cares SO much about you and yet you're the one driving at night and getting lost. He should have driven over HERE to see you, taken you out for a proper dinner and then brought you back home." She shook her head "This is all crap. You need a man. A REAL man! These are NOT the actions of a man. A real man does what he's supposed to do without being told to do it." She declared.

I sighed because her words were hitting a nerve of truth and I dipped my spoon in for another cold minty bite and thought about what she was saying. Finally I spoke "I've been questioning whether he's too young. Too immature. I'm just… "I trailed off and was quiet.

She finally spoke "I agree. I really do believe you need someone older. At least fifty to be honest."

I turned and smiled wryly at her "I was born in the wrong time period. I know that. I should have been born in the fifties or sixties. Men of my generation… "I shook my head and took another bite of ice cream "I hate to say it but generally speaking there are so many that are lazy. So many men don't even want to mow the yard, they think Netflix and chill aka a movie and sex is a date. The majority of them are obsessed with Star Wars which I hate. I don't want to sit on my butt and watch movies all the time. I hate sports, especially NASCAR which doesn't even constitute as a real sport but a mind numbing zone you enter comparable to watching a hamster on a wheel. I can tolerate, even enjoy hockey occasionally. I'd like a man who has energy, who makes staying in shape a priority, who can fix something with his hands or at least tries. A man who wants to travel. A man who shows he loves you by ensuring you reach home safely… it goes back to actions not words alone. Someone who enjoys art and design, reads and can form a proper sentence. Someone who is trying to make a difference." I grimaced and shook my head. "I guess I'm just really frustrated." I admitted to her.

"I agree. And you need someone older. You need someone who knows what to do. I'd just hate to see you settle after finally leaving that first cockroach. The next one better be amazing." She reminded me.

"I should have told him to come pick me up. I'm falling back into a lack of boundaries I think." I murmured thoughtfully, mentally chastising myself.

She sighed with exasperation "No, stop that! You're blaming yourself now! HE'S the one who is supposed to be the man here. You shouldn't have to ASK him to come pick you up!" She stressed to me.

"Oh, heck! I know that!" I retorted with furrowed brows. "But at the same time, I NEED to be setting better boundaries. I should have NEVER offered to drive to his place. Yes, if he wanted to see me he should have come over here. He drives so much I was happy to go to him for a change. But dang… at night? Not a good idea. I knew better and yet did it anyway. It wasn't wise. And yet… you're right, at the end of the day, he let me. Shame on him. I'm done." I told her. Then with wet eyes added… "I'm tired of being disappointed. But I am done."

*****************

We know if you've been with someone of a narcissistic nature or a full blown sociopath you're likely a highly empathetic person... a giver. Maybe even to a fault. Maybe to your very detriment. You enjoy helping others and yet... your helpfulness may become personally problematic. Oftentimes later you find yourself irritated, resentful or just plain angry that once again...  you guessed it... you over extended yourself; you gave too much and now you're at best depleted.

So what happens when we continually find ourselves in hindsight giving, giving and giving and then wishing we hadn't? 

There are lessons learned. 

We can take these experiences and begin using them to become healthier. We can use these negative scenarios once we are seeing with clarity to not let them happen again. We can realize that we will have future opportunities to set boundaries and limits regarding how much we give and what we expect of others. Even of ourselves. We have the opportunity everyday to tell ourselves: 

"I will not give too much today. Yes, there are people out in the world that don't give. It's sad, but true. There are people who are selfish. That is an unfortunate reality of life. However... giving too much of my time, my energy, etc leaves me depleted and unhealthy. And I can't love others if I can't love myself first. Boundaries are healthy and I'm not a bad person when I implement them." 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

5 TIPS ON SETTING BOUNDARIES: 

1. Think back on how often you've said yes. More than likely a lot. Likely you wanted to say no but didn't. Recognize the patterns of past behavior. 

2. Realize that saying no is okay. And that no is an adequate response. We don't have to give further explanation. 

3. Saying yes when we want to say no leads us to feeling mad. We can save ourselves and others a lot of grief by just saying no to begin with. 

4. Stop apologizing when you say no. It's not necessary. 

5. People who have a difficult time setting boundaries and saying no also tend to have difficulty asking for help. They lean toward trying to be too self sufficient and then struggle, becoming stressed out.

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