Single Life: How You Feel Is Perfectly Okay

“Woman Running Across Field” by marin via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I sat in the dim Italian restaurant, ensconced in a corner booth eating my pasta milano, a delicious myriad of sun dried tomatoes, mushrooms and roasted chicken. Music swelled in the background amongst the chatty patrons enjoying their meals. Glancing up, I took note of one of my favorite flowers, gladiolus that stood at attention on the nearby counter where waitstaff grabbed oversized glass pitchers of ice water and tea to serve refills. My friend across from me, reached for a hunk of bread to dip in the shallow bowl of olive oil graced with cracked pepper between us. It was the pinging of her iPhone that interrupted our chat and led her to excuse herself while she checked to see if it was important. It was her husband.

It was of no surprise to me.

I watched her carefully as she scrolled to view the message and seemed inconvenienced, almost irritated he was checking in with her… asking where she was.

I remembered those days.

I didn't miss them one bit.

She took the time to message him back with the details of where she was, who she was with, etc.

Meanwhile, I sat across from her chewing on my bread with no where to be and no one to answer to.

It was wonderful. 

She finished replying to him and then tossed her iPhone back into her oversized bag that was the perfect summer coral hue and sighed.

"Sorry. You know the drill." She flashed me an apologetic almost overly bright smile,  "Gotta do the check in… " She sighed and trailed off.

"Yeah?" I asked, concerned if something was seriously wrong.

She looked at me, her brown hair bobbing in a ponytail "He just…" she hesitated then forged forward,"He's not checked in. Oh, sure… he wants to know where I'm at. He wants to know where the remote control is. He wants to know what were having for dinner. But he's not CHECKED IN. He's not THERE. We just go through the motions, Jennifer."

Ugh, I thought to myself. 

Yeah, I remember that. That's I think called death. Then I got divorced. I went through hell and came out the other side feeling alive for the first time in forever. 

It's these moments that continue to crop up and make me question if there are any truly good marriages. Because as I hear more and more I see that most couples are not satisfied. Most couples are bored out of their minds. Or at least one person is. Most couples have at least one or both individuals that are looking at the exits even if they aren't acting on walking through them. Most couples have one or more people in them that are secretly looking at someone else thinking: "Wish I'd married her" or "Wish I was with him"… or "What would it be like being married to them?"

And I've been there. And it's no way to live. It's torturous hell. We may preach a good talk and say "Well, ya know… God is about chiseling you to Holy not Happy. Marriage is about bringing glory to God and serving, loving another, blah blah blah". I get it. Yes, that is all true. I've written post after post about it. YET… at the same time, if were looking at the next yard ruefully thinking it looks greener isn't that a big blinking sign something is amiss in our relationship? You can tell yourself: "I agreed to this marriage, I made vows, I will uphold them and follow through. I will work hard on my relationship and do everything I can to persevere."

Despite the hard work, the grit and the grind, sometimes that's still not enough. Sometimes it is. Yet sometimes no matter how "adult" and "mature" as we believe we are responding to a not so great marriage it still fails as shows the divorce statistics today. And that is without a doubt disappointing as all get out.

Watching my friend and all my other married friends engage in the whole "I have to check in with him" thing drives me to question if I could ever go back to that.

I used to value love above all else. Love and marriage. But what happens when we begin to find ourselves valuing freedom over love? In the bible love is drilled into our minds and hearts over and over again… that love is the most important of all for mankind.


Can we love without ever getting married? 
Yes, of course. As Christians we (hopefully) do that everyday. 

Recently a friend of mine sighed

 and told me:

 "I just don't want you to go through life missing out on experiencing a great marriage."

That left me stumped. I knew she meant well, she's like the most caring person ever. But I didn't know what to say. I thought… Really? Where are they? Because I can't put my finger on anyone I personally know that has a great marriage. And I'm really trying here. But I don't know anyone who does. Fact. That is frightening. Right now there are twenty people reading this huffing THEY have GREAT marriages! And maybe you do. I hope somebody truly does.

I read in the bible that there isn't marriage in Heaven. 

Now, I could have let my 

sarcasm slip out

 and quipped to God:

 "Oh that must be why you call

 it Heaven, DUH!"

But I refrained… 

Although He's kinda a mind reader, ya know?… mind you this is coming from me, the same person who fully expects a dessert buffet to be in Heaven with zero calories, no heartburn and an endless supply of hot fudge and sprinkles.

The Bible tells us,

 “At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; 

they will be like the angels in heaven” 

Matthew 22:30

But once were comfortably settled in our single life … we can take comfort in several facts… just because we are feeling something negative or positive about being single, just because right ***now*** we are feeling x,y,z but in six months or a year (or maybe next week) we feel something radically different that is okay too. We don't have to subscribe to what society deems is acceptable to feel when it comes to being single… like being single is something to abhor and we need to be on a speedy quick plan (or maybe more like mission impossible) to finding someone again. We can take all the time we want or not look at all. There is nothing wrong with relishing our freedom, our single life... we're perfectly capable of loving others along the journey of life…

No matter what you're feeling while single please know that your feelings are not "bad".... they don't have to be dismissed or treated as wrong. They may be fleeting, they may be here to stay. Regardless, no matter where we are in life, single, married or dating, God wants us to come to Him as we are... we don't have to worry, we can just trust Him... He has it figured out even if we don't.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

15 SINGLE LIFE & DATING FACTS:

IT'S PERFECTLY OKAY TO:

1. Be scared or hesitant to commit again.
2. Have doubts about being in love again.
3. Take the time to trust your instincts.
4. Not trust anyone until they have proved they are trustworthy.
5. Look to others actions not words.
6. Not want to date… or to think "what if?"
7. Expect your questions to be answered with transparency and ease.
8. Not want to be vulnerable… or wanting to want to be vulnerable.
9. Be completely off marriage and decide to remain celibate.
10. Overanalyze everything he does to make sure he's not a psycho.
11. Take him to meet with your therapist to ensure he's not a psycho.
12. Read plenty of books on what a healthy relationship looks like.
13. See your therapist weekly, monthly, etc to discuss what a healthy relationship looks like.
14. Expect him to prove he's not like the other jerks you've been with.
15. Put up walls and need someone to be understanding. 

RELATED POSTS: 

"Follow Your Heart" Is Bad Advice

All The Single Ladies: 10 Perks Of Being Single

When Love Isn't Enough & He Doesn't Provide

Valentine's Day: Married Or Single ~You Are Loved

image by gps grace power strength 

This week I bought a handful of pale pink and fuchsia tulips for my kitchen (pictured above). I took my daughter along and we spent some time oohing and ahhing over all the pretty flowers to choose from. I wanted her to see that just because Mommy doesn't have a guy to buy her flowers the world doesn't stop spinning when were not coupled. It's so important for girls to see that their moms can create a world of beauty, can buy something sweet for themselves and enjoy said beauty and self-paid-for purchase. As we left the store and strode across the parking lot I told her "See? You don't need a man to buy you flowers for Valentine's. You can buy your own flowers." She smiled, skipping happily along and quipped back "Yep!"


Regardless of whether you are single or married, male or female, you deserve to have a beautiful place, lovely surroundings, to treating yourself with something sweet, to being loved, cherished and cared for. Just because you're single or in a marriage that lacks love, respect and care please know that you are worthy of love, of sweet tender care, of having the sweet scent of flowers on your bed stand, paper hearts adorning your pillow and chocolate kisses in your pocket.

We are blessed to be loved by a loving God, 
by our Savior who died on a cross for each of us. 

I have been enjoying Valentine's the past few years as single… my Valentine's have been better as single than ever married. I can buy myself some chocolates and flowers and guess what? I don't "owe" anyone sex either. Applause and high fives for me. That may sound bizarre but that was the kind of marriage I lived, where everything was a "deal" by him, where he on a few occasions would "jokingly" leave money by the bed… he was the only one laughing. Contempt breeds where love doesn't. Fast forward to now, I can happily purchase my own stuff, enjoy it, cause I paid for it with my own dinero thank you very much. Being such a sucker for Valentine's, the pink, red and white, I love this time of year that leads up to this day… the stores look so festive and girlie with all the displays graced in colors of love. Some may scream an agenda of commercialism, a scheme to get people to hand over hard earned dollars "just because " but I love it.


Not everyone loves Valentine's or loves being single though. Everyone is in a different place in their journey post-divorce…. even in the midst of divorce. There may be struggles in coming to grips with our singleness. There may be a sadness that we don't have someone. And that is okay… we each have to embrace where we are and find our way through. It's perfectly okay to say: "I'd really like to have someone"… just this past week on a particularly trying day I was really wanting a bear hug from a guy. Just. a. hug. That. is. all. Sometimes we have bad days (or really great days) and wish we had someone kind and loyal to share it with, to laugh about it with (including plenty of sarcasm) and that is totally ok… it's okay to want that… it's when we begin to perilously move toward the territory of "I NEED someone" and of a desperate mentality that life can begin going awry pretty quick. We can also remember that holding expectations of others may lead to great disappointment… when we take control and remind ourselves we are fully in control of ourselves and this day (not others behavior) we can take action to make the day wonderful and not rely on others. Reminding ourselves of the love Christ has for us, buying ourselves flowers, viewing a beautiful sunset, enjoying praise music and reaching out to others, baking something sweet… we all have the choice to make today beautiful.


I love Single Dad Laughing on Facebook… his concept is awesome, because it enables us to see the funny, the sweet, the hilarious and sarcastic quotes, pictures and such but still give support to others in the times he asks the question of "Tell me the 100% truth right now"… and soon to follow is the funny but also the heartfelt, the hard, the really difficult honest-to-goodness-truth that makes you just stop in your scrolling tracks and you literally want to reach through the computer screen and hug that person who is hurting horribly.


Valentine's Day is kinda like that… we each have the ability to reach out to others. Just because someone is married doesn't equate to them feeling loved. There are many unhappy, unloving Valentine's Day's behind closed doors in marriage. There is no lonely like being alone with someone where love is supposed to exist.  For singles to reach out to their married friends and tell them "Happy Valentine's Day"----> that may be the biggest bright spot to a married person's day… and vice versa for a single person to hear "Happy Valentine's" from a married friend… love matters to both and we can all reach out to others… we love because He first loved us.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014  

1 John 4:19New International Version (NIV)

19 We love because he first loved us.

Related Posts: 

Desperation: Drop It Like It's Hot

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/desperation-drop-it-like-its-hot.html

Divorced? For The Single Man Or Woman~ My Hope For You

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/06/divorced-for-single-man-or-woman-my.html

Bridging The Gap: 30 Questions To Ask Someone 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/06/bridging-gap-30-questions-to-ask-someone.html

Single? Divorced? Married? A Status Does Not Define You

image by gps grace power strength 

I'm taking a Divorce Care class again. Some might say it's redundant to repeat the course but I've been surprised by the number of people who choose to take it again. It's been nice seeing familiar faces and catching up on how everyone is progressing along with a few new folks. My perspective is different this time versus the last course… last time I was a ball of hurt, tears and pain… not really wanting to share much but really just observe and listen. This time it's with more peace, calm, a renewed outlook, distance and clarity. It's being able to turn to someone and say "Oh, yes, I felt like that too… I totally feel your pain, I knew that phase, feeling, etc, well. It will get better." Each time we have the ability to walk away with learning something new with wherever we are situated in our healing.


Single? Divorced? Married? 

Last week's class was the topic of anger and the group discussion turned into an interesting one. In the class there is a couple who are each divorced from other people but now married to one another. They are each individually still working through the aftermath of their divorces. In that the wife admitted even though she's re-married she will always feel divorced. She stated that her divorce is not simply wiped away now that she's married… however happily. Her husband took issue with that noticeably by his outward expression in response. I wondered if that hurt him, as if it took away from what they had… I don't believe for a minute that she meant it in anyway whatsoever to hurt him. I think I understood what she meant. She further explained that when we get any type of form to fill out there are always a few categories to choose from… single, married, divorced, etc. She said those forms drive her crazy because she doesn't really feel like she fits into any one criteria. She said before she met her current husband and was single after the finalization of her divorce she felt single but not in the way she did when she was twenty-something prior to her first marriage. She didn't feel as though the choice of "single" post divorce really fit. Then she said she didn't really want to choose divorced because she was single… it was like a catch 22. Once she married a second time she checked "married" but still couldn't shake the fact she would always be divorced. Being divorced didn't sum her up, it didn't define her, yet it would always be a part of her and who she was, it was a part of her personal history… as there was no erasing it. She laughed that perhaps whoever comes up with these forms should make another category like "Been there, done all that!" I laughed at that with the others appreciatively and ruefully thought a "Now Free, Thank God!" category would also be appropriate. Nonetheless, I certainly got where she was coming from and could appreciate her perspective.


Our discussion in the group is food for thought. Are we letting the fact we are divorced define us? True, like in my Divorce Care group divorce is a large part of our history if we've experienced it… it is long, painful and demands to be dealt with. There is still a stigma even today with being divorced. I was absolutely shocked at the stigma regarding divorce today… at least towards women… I can't speak for men, as I'm not one, only the guys can… but there is something about a divorced woman in a room that clears out the couples speedy quick. It seems others may view you as potential interference to a marriage… which is so far from the truth, at least from my view. Most of us as divorced women are so glad to live in peace (finally!) if we've lived marriages that were toxic that simply working and raising children (sometimes on our own) takes up a lot of our energy… rest assured, the majority of us at least, are not after anyone's husband.



A Status Doesn't Define You… 

Whether were married or divorced we don't have to let our status define us. We don't have to give into labels summing up who we are or who others think we are. Just because we accept a proposal, a beautiful ring and lovely words of sentiment, promises of forever and ever… doesn't mean that we are then deemed worthy. It doesn't mean then that we are worthy of love, that we are "chosen", "special" or superior. We were chosen way, way before we were ever a gleam in someone else's eye of affection. Reality is… we are worthy in God's eyes… we are defined by his love for us… He says we are his beautiful one, his son or daughter. On social media today, especially Facebook we see relationships being defined by "In a relationship", "It's complicated", "Single", "Married", "Divorced", etc. We see the joining of two people, we see break-ups of couples, we see it all… but those don't really define us. What defines us is "In a relationship with Christ"… maybe they need that option.

New International Version

The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. 

He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, 

but will rejoice over you with singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

I admit when I was initially married I thought being married and having children was a destination reached that was loftier, better than one of being single. Being married seemed so grown up. So adult. As the years dragged on… after years of feeling controlled… heck, lets face it, being controlled… I was beyond tired of always feeling like I was never enough… always feeling used, always feeling like a trophy of sorts by him… he worked too much and was gone much of the time, he stonewalled and shut me down, everything was a "deal" to be made… selfless, giving love did not exist under our roof by him… I was always indebted, walking on eggshells and I was utterly exhausted. The single life started looking pretty good… seeing my best friend completely independent in an apartment with her own belongings, living her own schedule, making her own decisions, at times I felt twinges of jealousy of her single life. It's no surprise in hindsight as my marriage was not the epitome of love but instead emptiness and tension with hurtful actions and words. True, there were good days interspersed but the anxiety of dealing with him often overshadowed them. Marriage can only be good when both people are healthy and doing the necessary work. Today do I believe marriage is superior to single hood? Not a bit. Nor do I believe single hood is superior to marriage. Even in the best of circumstances marriage and being single come with undeniable blessings and challenges, they are each so different… and we can't sum up someone's life by whether they are married or not. There is so much more to them than that.

New International Version (NIV)

10 For we are God’s handiwork, 

created in Christ Jesus to do good works, 

which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10

In life we can take heart and remember we are not defined by our status of single, married or divorced. We are not summed up by one status of a relationship or lack thereof. We are more than meets the eye. We can't be defined by checking a category on a form. God knows to whom you belong… Him. He delights in you as his son or daughter… you are wonderfully made… and he has a purpose for your life whether you're married… or not.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 


Prayer~

Lord, if we begin to have thoughts of comparison to others or feeling as if our status sums us up… help us remember your view of us… gently remind us that we are your child and we are loved, that we don't find our identity in the world but in you. Amen.

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading and sharing!

Related Posts:

All The Single Ladies: 10 Perks Of Being Single

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/05/all-single-ladies-10-perks-of-being.html

"Did He Say Ugly?" Teaching Our Daughters That Strength Is Beautiful 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/05/he-say-ugly-teaching-our-daughters-that.html

When He Tries To Change You! And 5 Tips To Not Change Him 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/when-he-tries-to-change-you-and-5-tips.html

Dear Divorced Man or Woman: There Is A Place For You

There is a place for you.

Whether you're a man or a woman.

It's a place of escape in the midst of coffee and good books… a place of quiet reflection while the world rushes by outside and you enjoy your bubble of complete relaxation, drowsily losing yourself in the depths of other peoples stories because that may be just what you desire and even desperately need for now.

There is a place for you.

It's a place of ease, hand holding and frolicking in ocean water, the salt and sun kissing your bare face as you enjoy the company of those you feel sweet affection for like your children.

There is a place for you.

It's a place of comfort, being wrapped in a down comforter, soft light filling the room as you hit snooze for the millionth time because where you lay just. feels. good. and life doesn't have to be a series of rushes but mixed with moments of leisure… it's you reminding yourself that yes, you're worth a little extra rest.

There is a place for you.

It's a place of support, of pats on the back, of prayer and "It's gonna get better…hang in there" and even if you don't believe it some days, maybe most days… it's also knowing you have the greatest friends who will listen and nod empathetically, feeling your battle and all the swirling emotions that go with it.

There is a place for you.

It's a place of affirmation, that no, you aren't alone… you are known, you are loved, you are thought of and there are others just. like. you. that are going through it as well and intimately know the same themes, the same struggles, the same heartaches.

There is a place for you.

It's a place of humor at late night television or a comedy because for just two minutes through the gift of laughter you can forget your troubles that may have taken over your life and infiltrate nearly every waking second no matter what else you're doing.

There is a place for you.

It's a place of commonality… that there's another man or woman in the same town experiencing it as well… going through the motions, wanting to release pent up tears and then realizing there isn't even any energy left to… it's just laying there replaying the same scenarios in your tired mind, the same events over and over and wishing this story would get to the next chapter… a better chapter… one of triumph.

There is a place for you.

It's a place of faith… where maybe you are just hanging on by a mere thread, barely hanging on and yet determined not to cave into worrying about what has been, what is and certainly not what may come… but instead to buckle down and pray… pray like you've never prayed before, not ceasing and asking for some divine intervention from Him above.

There is a place for you.

It's a place of healing, of slow but eventual complete restoration over time… it's one day the bandage on your heart being no longer needed because you've been mended together, all the hurt spots and frailties within have been loved back together.

There is a place for you.

It's a place that is here… right here… in this very moment... I know the hurt, the pain, the rejection, the "How could she have done this to me?" or "Why did he hurt me like this?" and I'm here to tell you in this moment, in this place… even if you're not okay, even if you're crying, even if you're beyond angry and words cannot even express what you're feeling right now… I'm here even in the silence, even as you rant, even as you weep… even with the distance, I'm here. for. you. 

There is a place for you. 

Always. And it's never ever alone.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading! 


Related Posts: 

Dear Soon To Be Divorced 
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/05/dear-soon-to-be-divorced.html

Divorced? For The Single Man or Woman: 
My Hope For You
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/06/divorced-for-single-man-or-woman-my.html

"That Was Supposed To Be My Life" She Said
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/06/was-supposed-to-be-my-life-she-said.html

"Follow Your Heart" Is Bad Advice

Years ago I bought a black and white print that says "Follow Your Heart" and in it's sleek contemporary black frame and shiny glass I hung it in my bathroom by my sink.


That print now sits gathering dust in a closet. It's funny and bewildering how our perspective can change over time and maybe what we at one time thought was a viable even valid quote now rings as empty to our ears and not bearing fruit. When I overhear women discussing whether to stay in a relationship or not and one of them advises "Follow your heart…" I cringe.



Twenty years ago I myself would have naively and erroneously thought "Oh, how sweet. So true." But now… not so much. What about weighing patterns, observing actions, determining maturity, compatibility and partnership and if you actually like, admire and respect a person? What about determining whether they are a follower of Christ and their life reflects it? Aren't those all oh so importantly vital? Follow your heart wears out, follow your heart means fickle and changing like the wind… because follow your heart means relying on emotions and if my emotion is swell right now… what's not to like? Full speed ahead with following my heart (!)… until one day I wake up and look over at this person and realize I settled for what I wanted right then instead of holding out for who was best suited long term… <gasp>, maybe what God wanted. It's risky following your heart as it leads to loss and heartache, not fruit and life.

I wish I could go 

back and tell 
my twenty-something self 
all this but it's too late. 
I believe one of the worst things 
we can ever utter to a teenager 
or twenty something year old young woman
 or man is: 
"Follow Your Heart." 

If we look to the short term like following our heart we can incur unfinished results, maybe even devastating outcomes… we get bored with of-the-moment-hobbies, we get lazy with projects, we become disengaged. But following what is important to us? Or who is important to us? Meaning following Christ? Following something worthwhile that will bring positive longterm change to one person or to many? Doing something with passionate joy that will bring glory to God? He and those are what matter and are for the long-haul.

Following our heart means: 

this feels great, what the heck, let's just go with it, YAY!

Following our heart when it comes to love can lead us astray and into a terrible mess. Following our heart can lead to choosing spouses and marriages that aren't really right for us… leading to divorce, broken families and disarray. Post divorce we all perhaps feel a bit banged up, some more than others… hindsight may be 20/20 and part of us may really want to find someone special at some point… but that as we all know can bring many challenges. Men and women may both take one path post divorce that entails swearing off the opposite sex, deciding it's just not worth the effort and the risk of getting burned again… or they may go the opposite direction… and jump in the deep end, following their heart again… and like some sort of chaotic bumper car recklessly bounce off from one relationship to the next trying to "make something work." Or maybe they step out with caution not really sure what to do… comparable to attempting to finding their footing on uneven land.

I dipped my own toes in a wee bit by signing up for a few dating sites post divorce and some of the mere messages I received on them left me hanging up my subscription about as quick as I signed up. One of the messages I received was from a guy stating he was looking for a princess to live in the castle of happily ever after with him. For a moment I wondered if he mistakenly thought he was on a site that recruits characters for Disney but came to the conclusion that wasn't the case.

"Princess" Defined by Urban Dictionary is:
a girl who has been sheltered, spoiled and pampered

That definition also eerily resembles an odd hostage situation
that takes place in a hair and nail salon to me

Are Disney movies and fairy tales closely linked to telling girls it's okay to follow their heart? Belle fell in love with a beast, Jasmine married a thief, Ariel physically changed for love. What are these messages sending our girls? And to boys? That both sexes will accept anything?

 "We have to declare 

a princess-free zone. 
No tiaras, no Girl's Gone Wild,
no pretending we can't carry things. 
No fairy tales, no waiting around
 to be rescued and absolutely
 no playing dumb."
 - Shauna Niequist 

Applause and Amen to all that.

"As women God doesn't want us to follow our heart on some whim because it feels good, or it gets us hot and bothered in all the right/wrong places or use our female body parts as some sort of super power wielding weapons of sorts… nor sit passively with pampered entitlement under a crown…
but to stand up straight and tall in modest fashion and strive to be the strong, charitable, kind, hardworking and spirited women He made us to be."
- gps grace power strength blog 

Just the other day while shopping I rearranged the Barbies at my local Target, giving Detective Barbie, Soccer Barbie and Chef Barbie primo real estate on the shelf and tossing Princess Barbie to the back. Back in the 70's or 80's growing up Mattel had a commercial that sang "We girl's can do anything, right, Barbie?" I wish they'd replay those. Girls benefit growing up knowing they are perfectly capable of making choices that reflect strength and purpose not passivity, making wise choices in dating that reflect God's desire for them not fruitless whims or following their reckless hearts.

Dating is challenging for anyone, both sexes, no doubt. Specifically for single parents, dating is an entirely different ballgame than if sans children. Now we have little people to consider and how will this new person, really any potential new person affect the existing dynamic? How will they fit in? Will everyone get along? Plus dealing with the periodic painful times that crop up where your children are still undeniably dealing with the loss of their original family unit definitely factors in. Divorce wounds us all… it wounds us as adults and can shatter our confidence, breeding uncertainty and may keep us from moving forward. We may come to a somewhat entitled conclusion from all that pain that "we've had all we should have to endure" if anything out of broken exhaustion and believe it should be "easy street" from here out in terms of finding a compatible Christ-following partner. But, yikes, not likely...


We want to make wise, healthy choices… we want to make sure we aren't repeating negative patterns by following our heart, we want to make sure we are following what God would want for us, not what feels good in this heated moment… we don't want to latch onto toxic individuals like we've already been with or re-play unhealthy dynamics that eerily resemble those from a noxious childhood. It's imperative we take things slow and are cognizant of any warning signs… to not push them away or attempt to justify them no matter how tempting. Here are a few things to consider if you're single and beginning to date again…


5 Tips For Dating:

1. Take it slow… seems to be a no-brainer but with emotions, attraction and libido's in high gear it can be so easy to jump on the expressway to exclusive and then want to put the brakes on. It's next to impossible to get back to where we were once a relationship's progression has gone too far whether it be emotionally or physically.


2. Look for consistency and patterns… are their actions consistent? Are there any negative patterns jumping out at us? Look to actions not words. Our hearts are deceitful but following Christ we can never go wrong. Having Christ as the center of our relationship will keep us grounded and look to the long term not the immediate.


3. As single parents keeping our dating undercover… it's upsetting to children to parade around a new person, especially too soon. It makes them feel insecure and anxious. The best time to (slowly) introduce someone were serious about is after it's established were together. Regularly giving children reassurance that they are loved even though we are seeing someone affirms they have great importance in our life.


4. Letting our children openly express their feelings about our dating… how do they feel about the changes? Do they like the person? They don't have to immediately accept the person were with and putting pressure upon either the person were with or our children may backfire. Let everyone take the time they need to adjust.


5. As parents we are ultimately the role model for our children. We can set the example of using wisdom and caution in who we choose to date or we can fly by the seat of our pants like a teenager high on the hallucinogenics of following the pitter pattering of our fickle wayward heart and like that print in my closet unfortunately accumulate a lot of dust and debris along the way.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

Rather than trust our hearts, we are to commit our hearts to God:

 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean 

not on your own understanding;

 in all your ways submit to him, 

and he will make your paths straight”

Proverbs 3:5–6 

This passage gives an explicit command 

not to trust ourselves. 

And it gives the promise of guidance 

to those who choose to follow the Lord.

To My Readers:

Thank you for reading, 

commenting & sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Standing On A Road She Didn't Plan: A Single Mom Dating 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/standing-on-road-she-didnt-plan-single.html

50 Things To Teach My Daughter

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/03/50-things.html

Toxic Ties: The Soul Ties That Bind Us

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/07/toxic-ties-soul-ties-that-bind-us-to.html

Single Parents & The Holiday's: You're Not Alone

December 24th, 2012

names have been omitted in this post 

*****************

Thanksgiving is around the corner and Christmas will soon be upon us. And in that busy "I've got one more thing to buy and do" season and when our social lives are often heightened it's easy to be surrounded with people and yet ironically feel completely alone. Especially if you're a single parent.


I remember the first Christmas in the two month aftermath of my filing for divorce... I had to drop my children off at my soon to be ex mother in law's home Christmas Eve around eight that night. Our schedule stated I had Christmas Eve and my soon to be ex had Christmas Day. One would think that would mean I'd have the children the entire night and we'd exchange the children early Christmas morning… but apparently that is not how the court system works here. As baffling and frustrating their interruptive schedule was, I was also angry. Angry that for the first time I wasn't allowed to tuck my children in bed Christmas Eve night, kiss their foreheads and tip toe out of their rooms as they sleepily asked when Santa would be there. I was angry that they didn't have the idyllic vision we had always had… that instead visions of sugar plums were going to be on his watch instead of mine. I may have appeared to have it together on the outside but inside my heart was breaking into a million pieces each shard sharply named "disappointment" and "hurt".


It was after numerous hugs and whispered "I love you's" I sent them forth on their grandmother's driveway toward my ex… it was a cold December Texas night and he stood there in his cream sweater and jeans staring at me. I watched as the kids bundled in their jackets, slowly made their way to her front door graced with a Christmas wreath and tears sprang to my eyes in the dark night. They looked back warily at us like they weren't sure if we should be left alone to our own devices or else we might kill each other. His gaze stayed on me and he spoke…

"Hey, are you okay?" He asked "Would you like to come in for awhile? Or join us tomorrow morning?"

AM I OKAY????? NO I'M NOT OKAY!!!! HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT!!!!

I instantly thought to myself…

"No" I replied stiffly to him and walked away to my SUV. My mother sat in the front seat waiting for me, watching this dismal scene play out.

My babies had gone in.

In that awful house. With him.

And with her.

She had known he'd wanted out. She had known and hid it. She had hugged me like a friend while stabbing me in the back. I had found emails between them to prove it. She was a co-hort to his secret life.

My babies.

They were victims in this disaster stamped with his name on it in lustful blazing red.

No one tells you how hard it will be… 

it's like this alternate universe you are thrust into…

 that no one knows about unless they've lived it.

I got in the SUV, slammed the door shut, roared the engine and took off. I drove and drove. It was all I knew to do. We saw every Christmas light in town that night… while Bing Crosby sang every song I drowned in tears that wet my jacket… I drowned in Crosby's words and sweet melodies of bittersweetness… we saw every twinkling light, every inflatable fat Santa and every Christmas tree in every lit window where intact families read 'Twas The Night Before Christmas, put out cookies and scampered to bed with warm kisses on their cold noses. But not me. And maybe this year not you.

And what I'm writing to tell you is that you are not alone.

It may feel like every family is intact as you go through this darkness of tears and disappointment.

But that is not truth.

There are many variations of family. I know… we want ideal, we want what we want, we want "perfect" we want what were "supposed" to have, we want what we were "supposed" to get.

But it's been through someone's actions… maybe his, maybe hers, maybe yours… it's been re-written and changed.

And I want to tell you again you aren't alone.

In this post are a few tips to help ease you through the holiday as a single parent.


1. Don't Compare
It is hard, I know. But it will literally drive you mad comparing your changing world to someone's who appears intact. It will drive you to the brink. It will make you feel all the more isolated. If you need to call friends and force yourself to make plans, do it. If you need to take a temporary hiatus off Facebook because quite frankly "Mr. or Mrs. Perfectly Poised Facebook Family's" posts are going to send you into a psychological meltdown then just take the break you need.

2. Change It Up
This may be the time to shake things up… do something you don't normally do… so you don't wallow in an empty house or apartment focusing on what is no longer. Maybe volunteer with a local organization that feeds hungry folks on Christmas. Ask your local church if they know of anyone elderly who is alone and housebound and would like some company. Maybe you have a friend who is also single and you can go do some Christmas activities together. If finances allow take a trip somewhere, or check into a hotel and have some pampering done. There are many alternatives to what you've always known… we just have to think outside the box.

3. Get Back To What Is Important
It's easy, especially when things are sailing smoothly to just focus on what we need to do... the groceries that need to be bought, the presents that need to be wrapped, when the biggest issue at hand is "What am I going to buy Aunt Meredith?" but now life has taken quite a turn and those items to be done are minuscule in the grand scheme of things. So it's about getting back to what is important. Peace. Family. Jesus. Gratitude. At the end of the day we know gifts are great but not fulfilling… they are like flotsam… here today then gone tomorrow, not providing infinite joy. But our relationship with Christ is stable… He is always there for you. Maybe you've put Him on the back burner… or maybe not. But He sees your pain, He walks beside you, He wipes your tears.

I will be your God throughout your lifetime 

— until your hair is white with age. 

I made you, and I will care for you.

 I will carry you along and save you. 

Isaiah 46:4

He is your refuge during this time of distraught upheaval. He is who will lead you throughout… He is who will hold your hand while you kiss your kids goodbye and tears escape your tear ducts. 

He is your Savior, who listens to every yearn-full plea of your heart for this to all just stop being so painful and offers peace and healing to you in the form of unlimited resources and love. 

He is your pillar of strength empowering you as you drive away not alone but with the most loving companion there is, speaking words of life into your ear and heart. 

Prayer: 

Lord, I don't understand why life has taken this road but I know You walk it with me… I know your ways are better than mine and I will lean on You… I praise You! I know this storm is not forever and I trust in You to lead me through. I know you will restore, strengthen and establish me with your great unyielding love. Amen. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting & sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Divorced? 

For The Single Man Or Woman: My Hope For You 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/06/divorced-for-single-man-or-woman-my.html

"That Was Supposed To Be My Life" She Said

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/06/was-supposed-to-be-my-life-she-said.html

Cheating: 50 Shades of Lies ~ 5 Reasons Not To Keep Him 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/cheating-50-shades-of-lies-5-reasons-to.html