Wednesday, July 3, 2013

When A Sociopath Meets A Nice Person


Imagine having that plastered on your forehead and everyone who would love to take advantage of you immediately knowing you were a viable target, a person whom they could calculatingly pounce on and take hostage mentally, emotionally, psychologically, financially, physically, etc. 

But what if you didn't need a sign like that stuck to your forehead? What if those calculating people could just sniff you out like a dog who can detect the next kill during a hunting expedition? 

This is the agenda of a sociopath. 

To hunt you down and capture you. And they know you are a prime target because you are so good. So honest, so trusting, so reliable and so sweet. It's like you have a sign on your head directing them to you. Unfortunately sociopath's don't come with signs on their forehead but there are some things we can do to look out for ourselves and detangle ourselves from them. We can protect ourselves by being aware of what traits make up a sociopath and how to handle them if we find ourselves in their path of destruction.

Let me guess.... 

He was charming, he said all the right things. He made himself appear to be the golden boy and you believed it. You believed him when he said he would never hurt you and he was crazy about you. The only problem is.... later you catch him in a lie. Then another lie. Then another. 

He won't stop lying. Because lying to him is like the air he breathes. It will continue and will be pathological. He always has an answer. He seems to know what to do about anything and everything and will always come to your aid to help "fix" whatever needs fixing. 

He has an enormous ego that is insatiable and he cannot feed it enough to keep it satisfied. He will appear to be the smartest, wealthiest and most successful man in the room.  He declares his love for you and wants to seal the deal quickly. These are the men who typically want to marry quickly and swoop in speedy quick to make you his bride because he has found someone sweet, naive and "so good" that will luckily for him fall for all his pathological lies. 

He is likely pursuing you so much you mistakenly take it for flattery and revel in the initial over the top texts, emails, cards, phone calls, etc... but one day you will come see them for what they are... a mask of control and eventually one day when you receive one of his millionth texts it will send you cringing and wanting to run to the nearest escape exit. 

He wins. When you begin to voice any opposition to his behavior he always wins. That's what he does. His reasonable logic will always outshine your emotional quivering or attempts at explaining your feelings or point. Your reasoning is emotional whereas his is collected, cool and calm which makes you begin to look stupid, inadequate and unstable. This is what he desires. It gives him power. And makes you appear weak. 

He is never ever wrong. Ever. It is always you. If you parked your car in a spot and someone hit it, "There must be something YOU did" and "It must be your fault. Because clearly you don't know what you're doing". His behavior wasn't always like this toward you.... but over time it changed. Initially it was aimed at others but he turned on you somewhere along the road... and one day it will be not only aimed at you but any children you have together. Or he might choose one to be his golden child to feed his narcissistic supply and the other child will become the black sheep. Completely disposable ... likely because this child sees him for the monster he really is so that particular child does him zero good. He will continue to dote on his precious golden child.... at least until he no longer needs he or she and then they will be dismissed too and replaced with a brand new narcissistic supply to feed his ego. 

He will never be sorry for how he's treated you. He's not capable of being sorry, feeling remorse, empathy etc. He is devoid of all feeling, love, generosity etc. If you are nice to him he merely laughs to himself and thinks "Stupid fool!". He will never take any blame for his behavior and will always twist the truth to spin it back to be your fault. He excels at spinning a web of deceit and construing a mask of the polar opposite of who he really is beneath the surface. To others he cunningly crafts a facade of positivity, humor and the all around good guy. Sociopath's don't feel love, compassion or empathy. His greatest fear is being outed publicly. Behind closed doors is a man who is so insecure, so broken, so sick that he hurts those closet to him with dismissiveness, stone-walling, gas lighting and fits of rage. 

His very core is criminal and he doesn't hold a moral compass. He lies, evades taxes, he drinks and drives, he doesn't pay his bills, he restructures his job title and pay to evade child support, he uses his company to hide assets and make purchases, he propositions women for sex, he has sex with prostitutes, he has affairs, he lives beyond his means, he makes money under the table, he speeds putting his children at risk, he does drugs, he gambles, and acts entitled because he deserves to "be happy" at the expense of everyone around him. He is all about himself. 

He is an over-inflated walking ego high on crack.... that is the summation of a narcissist... a narcissist who has reached this level of extreme destruction has become a sociopath. 

It's only a matter of time before he turns on you. At some point he will completely reveal himself to you and then he will no longer have your respect. Then he will gladly begin actively treating you with cruelty. He will criticize and ridicule you.... seeing you not with love but with the contempt he feels for you... for now you see him for what he is..... a monster. And there is no going back now. 

By now you undoubtedly feel desperate. Desperate to make him see the light. To make him see what he's throwing away... two words.... just stop. Walk. Away. It's a losing battle. He will not change. You can't reason with unreasonable. You have done so much for him, given yourself to him and yet he has now disregarded you, your love for him and all your wonderful qualities like yesterday's dirty worn out newspaper. He has already moved on, rejecting you and searching for a new supply to feed his hungry ego. Hold your head up and realize that you aren't giving up by walking away but you ARE walking to healthy.... to whole... to love... to healing. 

You deserve a love that's not tainted with love of self.... but instead a love for others.

So how do you react to a sociopath? 

These steps may seem harsh, but you are dealing with someone who is not mentally healthy. The most important thing for you to do is begin healing after being exposed to them and by doing these things you can begin that process.  This is about your survival so you can then thrive!

1. Ignore them. This is their greatest fear. If it's possible to have zero contact then cut off all communication. Change your number if it's an ex spouse. 

2. Avoid eye contact. Every time you look at them you feed their supply and their wrongly perceived adoration of them. 

3. Don't answer his phone calls. Screen his calls via voicemail. 

4. If you must have contact via phone keep silent after he speaks. He will be shocked by your inattention to his every word. Stay silent on the line until he has to confirm you are still there by asking "hello?" Keep your responses minimal to one or two word answers. 

5. Don't sign or agree to anything that could land you in court. Keep all answers non committal. 

6. If you give him an inch he will take a mile. He will say "Well, you let me!" When negotiating stand firm in what you want. Don't waver, for he sees it as a sign of weakness and stupidity. 

7. Don't be sucked back in by glimpses of his niceness. It's a facade. Sociopath's "don't do anything just to be nice." Him being nice is a red warning flag that he's about to pounce on you mercilessly. 

8. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If he's a sociopath then more than likely his mother or father is too. Look for patterns of behavior. If one parent is hung up on ego, status and image more than likely they are the one who he is patterning after. 

9. Losing control terrifies them. Losing you means they have been rejected and losing you also means losing money, assets, and possibly his children or less influence over them. Divorcing him is the greatest insult to his fragile ego. This requires punishing you on his part. 

10. Keep the motto "I'm collecting not giving" in terms of information during a court case, custody battle, etc. Keep information you have on them close to the vest and keep them guessing as to what you know. Eventually you can spring it on them and unmask what they've done in court. 

11. They use their children as pawns in the divorce process and will go to any lengths to "win" even if it means bribing their children with toys, candy and clothes etc. His children are completely disposable to him and yet he needs them to punish you with parental alienation. He may think he's bought the children off but children are incredibly sharp and will always go back to the parent whom they view as their "safe place". You can't bad mouth him to your children regarding his lies, his cheating, his inadequate parenting and immoral character. Yet you can point out people in the media that have committed similar acts as lying, cheating and immoral behavior to show that there are indeed always consequences to how we live our lives and how we treat people. 

© ~ 2013

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