Friday, October 4, 2013

When No One Believes He Is A Narcissistic/Sociopathic Person


Narcissist. 


She's your best friend. 


He's your dad. 


He's your now ex-husband. 



When we realize that one of the significant people in our life exhibits narcissistic/sociopathic behavior, and we are/were their prey, that realization can lead to a varying range of emotions. Some of the things you may find yourself dealing with are confusion, stress, (perhaps long term) anger (at the person and possibly yourself for being duped for however long) sadness, and questioning how this happened to you to begin with. 


If you were raised by someone who is a narcissist... if you were healthy and realized the destruction the parent was constructing... you are then at a higher risk later to marry a narcissist and or have a friend who is one. The reason for this being is we automatically go to "what we know" and if your mom or dad is a narcissist you may very well be dealing with one later in life. If you are the type who will question, doubt and ask yourself internally:


"Am I a narcissist? Am I like that? Because I don't want to be! I fear being that! I abhor that!" 


Then rest easy. Because more than likely you aren't a narcissist. A narcissist doesn't have self reflection to ask those critical questions of themselves, of their behavior, because they are all about self preservation... they are all about painting a facade of perfection and they are their own biggest fans. 


I truly believe the worst aspect of dealing with a narcissist (and there are plenty, take your pick) is after enduring their craziness for however long... in some cases years on end.... is no one believes you when you try to explain that your dad or husband or ex or ex-friend is a narcissist. People are looking at the person at face value... they see a bright, friendly, likely outgoing person whom you are saying is a narcissist. They don't see it nor believe it for a second. In fact, as you rattle on about some of the ways they've behaved over the years you see doubt staring back at you in the form of growing silence, stiffening body language and replies like "Well, I just can't imagine that... I mean, he/she has always been so nice to me!" 


As you stand there you may begin to doubt yourself (which is one of the cunning purposeful tactics of a narcissist) and second guess, wondering once again if you have your facts straight. But here's the truth: 


You do have your facts straight. 


You may begin to feel anger and defensiveness rising up in you because suddenly everything you've been through... the abuse at the hands of a narcissistic parent as a child, the abuse of a narcissistic ex spouse, or whether it's the abuse of a narcissistic friend... has supposedly according to this person standing before you not ever really happened... yet it did really happen. Deep down you know this to be true but it's when seeing others speak of the narcissistic person with praise, adulation and even reverence you pause if even for a split second, having a fleeting moment of doubt within. 


But this is a common reality for people who have dealt with narcissist's firsthand. I promise you it's real. You didn't dream it up. You didn't invent it. It really happened and it was/is reality. 


A few months ago I was out shopping when I ran into a woman who has known my dad for many years through business.  After chatting a moment she invariably asked "How's your dad?" I replied I didn't know but from what I heard through the grapevine he's fine. She came back with "I just love your dad!" 


Awkward silence ensued. 


Images of him having fits of rage while growing up, breaking things, glass flying, mugs flying, his fist going into walls while I listened to his raging cuss-a-thon from my bedroom, twisting and turning everything I said, denying any wrong doing, the worshipping of a pristine image of himself in the eyes of the community, making money under the table, always playing the martyr, the victim... generously doling out heaps of guilt to use as a form of control, the ugliness he displayed behind closed doors, the plain ugly things he'd say... it all flashed before me, washing over me, sweeping my shoulders and making me so so so incredibly tired this scenario was now playing out yet again... that here stood yet another person he knew through business that was charmed and blind to the real him behind closed doors. That once again I was being told what a simply wonderful human being he was and the adorement for him was radiating in their eyes at me. 



"Everyone says that." I tell her stiffly and although my words could be viewed as affirmation, instead through detected tone and body language the truth is I'm saying anything but that without saying much at all. She catches the difference and carefully scrutinizes me for a moment then abruptly says she must get going. I nod and with goodbyes we part... once again I'm reminded of how powerful the narcissist is.... they've constructed such a careful facade for so many years in their social or business circles of being respectable, honest, friendly, etc that no one will believe for a second it's them and not you. 


It's a battle not worth fighting. 


Because it will drain you dry and leave you feeling even more powerless than what you've already experienced at the hands of the narcissist. Don't beat yourself up... drop the invisible bat and realize that you may have been duped by a narcissist or endured significant sociopathic abuse at their hands but it doesn't define you. 


You aren't "stupid" or "dumb" etc for falling for their lies, their confusion, gas lighting, crazy making, delusions and sociopathic behavior... you were an innocent, good person they knowingly took advantage of and treated miserably. You can stand in victory knowing you survived it and came out on the other side... 


even if you stand


 alone. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013










              To My Readers: 

               Thank you for reading, 

               commenting & sharing!



37 comments:

  1. Thank you for writing this.

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  2. you grew up in a home where someone was abusive. I'm assuming you married your husband because be was abusive and you felt comfortable. Correct?

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    1. Typically when we grow up with less than stellar examples of what healthy love is we are then attracted to on some subconscious level to those who are abusive... we may marry "what we know" until we've reached a healthy point in our life and have healed and gained insight into why we were attracted to this person to begin with. The reason why counseling is so important is to get healing... so we can make healthy choices in our relationships. When it comes to sociopaths and narcissists they can pick up on people who are high on empathy and will seek them out.

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  3. My ex is a NS..it took me 3 years to figure it out..and i left him..but he has so many people fooled...he helps the homeless..what a fool..he cant help himself...lies and the cheating...and look you in the eye and lie...very coniving person...

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  4. If I may offer some words of encouragement:
    Often times friends, family & neighbors have witnessed firsthand the slipping of the mask. Their refusal to admit that they believe you is more self-preservation. They simply do not want to be hassled, "caught in the middle" or be the target of their rage. So they just nod politely but people are smarter than you think!

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    1. I'm really glad you pointed that out. I just had a talk with my brother about our father and I really got the ¨caught in the middle¨ lack of interest from him.

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  5. Thanks very much for your wonderful insites into these destructive behaviours . I know myself it is a slow walk away from those sort of people . But know in my heart now i can help others to walk away from these terrable mind messing monsters .

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  6. I have been NC with my ex N for 8 months. He and the new GF are bad mouthing me around town. I say nothing. People in town are wondering why I don't say anything. I stay silent. I want to expose him. I really hurts. I have become the villain and he the victim.

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  7. Thanks so much for writing this article . My parents are narcisistic and i just could not figure out why they treated me so differently as compared to the parents of my peers. It took me 35 years to realise what they are doing to me . All because i married a wonderful man who made me look at things for what they are and i am truly gratefull to god for helping me out of such a repressive environment.

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  8. My son is one. He was raised by his birth other until his adoption. The damage has already been done, by the time we got him it was too late, a teenager. He is ridiculously charming, polite, quite dashing and always cheerful and willing to lend a helping hand. We saw through the endless lies, the stealing, the smear campaigns, the manipulation--everything. We tried to hold him accountable but he just groomed and lied his way out of any responsibility. He left a few months ago, without notice, just left. He wrote am "I'm sorry" note then went back to his abusive mother and began his smear campaign against us. It was heartbreaking and very hurtful. It's been 5 months of the silent treatment, unless he wanted something. He didn't graduate, he doesn't work, has no money, no car, lives in a foreclosed house but his teenage girlfriend's parents are both wealthy and stupid--so he is manipulating them to get everything he wants. They think my husband and I are alcoholics who lie and cause drama--that's what he told them. They think he's a great kid, but one who has never experienced the love of a good family. Evidently, they are that good family now. I guess they don't care that their daughter's boyfriend cheats, lies, steals, smokes, takes drugs, drinks and whatnot.

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    1. Reading these comments confirms how so many families are needlessly affected by the destructive behaviors of Narcs/sociopaths. It's heartbreaking seeing so much damage being inflicted. I've found that they are not capable of truly feeling remorse of any kind; they are just sorry they got caught or angry that they've been called on their behavior. I'm so sorry to hear your son has chosen this path.... As a parent I know only too well how terribly disappointing it is to see this change in them.

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  9. I am a 72 yr old woman who was raised by a very cruel (in the name of religion) and narcissistic mother. My father was a good man, but afraid of saying anything to my mother. As the years went by, I married an even more narcissistic man. We were married 22 years, had three kids, then I just could not take any more and divorced him. Now looking back on it, (knowing what I know now) I cannot believe I took him back and thought he would change. At the time with three children, 2 teenagers, and absolutely no one to talk to, I really believed that maybe things would change, and that I should forgive him. Well, you know what I am going to say next, nothing has really changed, but we just have grown much much older, and he is not physically able to have more affairs. I totally feel like the crazy person. All of my beautiful youth has been wasted trying to figure out what was so horribly wrong with me all these years, and now at 72 I know and can see what the real situation has been. Women, if you find yourself with this kind of a man, PLEASE seek help and understanding and do not buckle under the pressure like I did. We are still married and live under the same roof, but that is the extent of our life. He is 73 and we don't now have the money to live apart.(he always loved to blow money, so what little we have saved, I had to fight and scratch and usually save it in secret) I work a little bit when I can, but it is not enough to live on. One of my children totally understands where I am, so I am so thankful to God for her. It is true down through the years, everyone thinks he is such a sweet old man and such a kind and good person! Never changes! Thank you Jennifer for these articles, so that younger women and men can have help and understanding that was not available to me back in the day.

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    1. Wow! Why did I get the chills up my spine reading your post? It's because I am you in the future. I am going to be 60 this Febuary and have been with dh for over 25 years. I wish I had read this back then, maybe I would have had the nerve to not take him back. Even if I was alone, which I am anyway, it would be a lot better. I just spent 30 days in the hospital almost dying and am still weak and recovering, he showed everyone what a great husband he is to the nurses and anyone who saw him, now that I'm home it's back to the silent treatment, he spends hours on his phone reading porn and playing games with other women, Gee I asked him what happened to all the promises you made to me when I was in the hospital? No answer as always. Things have changed since my near death, I have zero tolerance, I totally dislike him, life is to short and like you I feel how I wasted my youth and I feel really stupid for it, can't get it back and it makes me mad at myself! Hopefully us sharing our situations some young person can spare themselves from a bleak future! take care xxx's

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  10. Thank you for writing this. i praye to God for strength. This is his first sign.

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  11. Bless you all....

    You are very welcome. My hope for you is strength, peace and a fresh start.

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  12. I am 50 yrs young. Was w/a sociopath/narcissistic man for 5 yrs. I just escaped! His anger was unpredictable, if I had do e things better he wouldn't have to get angry. I took very good care of him, yet any time I needed him I would have to ask if he would help me, always had an excuse. He twisted everything, conversations, actions etc to make himself look like he was doing the right thing & that if I just would listen to him & learn, things would be better. Said I didn't appreciate all he did for me, when in reality he didn't do much at all for me, but always found a way to make me feel guilty, not good enough. Well, I caught him cheating 3 months ago. I really loved this man, but something changed in me & I started to see how he would run for his friends when they called, how any activity was what he wanted to do, nothing I ever did was good enough, when all I did was take care of him! In 5 yrs we never had a nice holiday season together. This yr I told myself, if he ruined it again, I was done. So tired of the lies, twisted words etc. He too is seen as a great guy. Will run to help people, be the life of the party etc. All I know is I have too much to offer a real man...& I left! I felt trapped but managed to find a place to live & I can honestly say I am happy! I don't even feel like I knew him. He is a stranger to me.
    I pray for anyone going thru this. It's emotionally exhausting & they slowly tear you down. Please don't ever lose hope or faith. Get out! We think they will change because they show us that they really love us, make promises to change, but it never lasts. Remember it's not our fault! These people need help but we can't help them & they rarely believe something is wrong w/them. Get out & get healthy! I know it can be tough, in many ways, but you aren't helping yourself by staying! God bless xo

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    1. So so true... everything you wrote. It goes on so long it's easy to think that there's no escaping it or thinking things can't get better. But they can! You're living proof as so many others. I'm so relieved you escaped and are living your new life. Bless you.

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  13. Oh my. Oh my. Oh my. To think that for so many years, I felt I was the one who lost out and sometimes still do. He was beautiful, charming, and became a huge success in the medical world (world renowned). He would show up/call and then disappear. I lived on eggshells...what did I do wrong? Promises weren't kept. He kept coming back! Someone amazing thinks I'm amazing...what could be better? I sweated every detail about myself..."If I could just...be a little more...something." When we spent time together, he would have an explosive temper. And...the silent treatment.

    Thank you. I desperately needed to read this and am so ashamed at just how many of my years have been wasted until I am no longer in my youth.

    I suppose the upside is that there was no marriage (no divorce), no kids (no heartache).

    My mother was a narcissist. She even told me that a "quack" of a phychiatrist told her this.

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  14. Thanks for the article. I realised halfway through that I was holding my breath, and had to consciously make myself breathe... My father is one of those good looking, charming men everyone else loves and thinks is great. He has what I call 'followers' rather than friends. I could never say what he was like to me growing up, or as an adult, because they didn't believe me either. I felt so alone. Then, a couple of years ago, after my only sister died, I ran into her best friend from school (in the 1970s). We were talking about relationships, and parents, and she said, "Your father was so controlling!" I could've hugged her across the table - it was the first time anyone had EVER said that to me.

    I'm 55 now, and have only just been able to break free of him. He still feels free to violate my boundaries, criticise me, and plays mind games. I felt sick inside while reading your article, but it helped me know I've done the right thing. I simply cannot go on any longer remaining in contact with him - not if I want to be well myself...

    And, of course, he doesn't believe in God - how can they believe in a power greater than themselves? Impossible! :-)

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    1. Followers instead of friends... you described it perfectly.... my dad is the same way, it's similar to people who have been brainwashed into a cult; it continues to make make me sick yet amaze me how one person can hold so much power and get others to do things for them.

      I totally feel your pain.. I believe breaking free from a narcissistic parent is even harder than trying to break free from a spouse... especially as girls we want to look up to our dads and we expect them to be that strong protective, loving, healthy role model for us. It's really hard when we don't have that. I understand the violating of boundaries, I went through that for years and even though I tried to set them I still wanted his affirmation, his acceptance etc. I'm healthier when Im not around him but I'll always wish things had been different.

      I'm so relieved you are on the path to healing, to a fresh start. God bless you.

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    2. I was just looking at getting away when he announced he was leaving me. I feel guilt, relief, sadness. I know in the end it will be better. It's just the now I'm having trouble traversing. He's spent the last month spreading lies to turn his whole family against me.You folks give me hope and make me realize maybe I'm not the piece of crap he made me out to be. 50 years old and trying to figure out how to restart. :). I know I can do it!

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    3. It's never too late for a fresh start! They may start a smear campaign (lies) but at the end of the day you know what you've been through and those who truly know you won't believe the lies he spreads. You're on your way to a whole new life! :-)

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    4. I spent 47 years with one and finally left. Old? I don't feel old, but what does it matter? I breathe free now. Not only that, but I have reunited with someone I went to high school with who is the exact opposite. So life goes on and it can be fun no matter what your age. You are so right to leave these people whatever your age! Age doesn't matter. My attitude is even if I have only five minutes of life left WITHOUT HIM, it's worth it. Life expectancy today is long and whatever yours is, live it in peace.

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  15. A very courageous post on a very important topic!

    Thank you!

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  16. Everything you are saying is 100 percent accurate and I've seen it destory people in my families lives. I've struggled a lot personally and made many of the mistakes you mention here. I'm still fink funny it difficult to get out of the cycle Bc it's true no one believes you. Here's the issue I have .... Doesn't it promote violence against women to be silent about the type of person your father is. People rave to me about my father and I tell them point blank he's an awful person. I can't lie about it. What do you think about this. I respect everyone's peronala choice and I don't mean to blame anyone just very concerned that silence on this issue is apart of the problem for women as a whole. Thanks so much for writing bc you didn't have to.

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    1. Hey, thanks for writing... I'm sorry to hear you've been through this, it's one of the worst things, especially because it is family and we grow up looking to them for protection not just physically but emotionally as well. I agree, we all handle the aftermath of it differently. it's individual how we cope and choose to heal from it. I know personally growing up my dad was big on "don't tell anyone about x,y,z like that I left home, etc because it's embarrassing"... it was done to protect his fragile ego and construct the perfect image he wanted to show others. There is no shame in struggle, in difficulties. We may feel shame and have to find our way to healing whether it takes a few years or many but we are not dirty for what we've been through. In telling others we have a dad who isn't who he claims to be, that we lived a very different life with him than what he exudes we can be authentic and stick to it despite others protests. Is it hard? Oh yeah, I waffled for years, I did the awful dance of acknowledging his evilness and then backing down and glossing it over, desperately wanting to believe differently about him. I now know I'm living an authentic life because I'm no longer waffling. I couldn't go back to subscribing to a life where I tried to ignore or minimize the damage hes done... when we keep silent we may very well be supporting all types of abuse that could otherwise be talked about in a way to bring education and awareness.

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  17. I am a 60 year old woman who's n husband of 35 years just left me for his new gf. I am in shock and had no idea how he's been lying all these years. I found out he's been lying to my daughter for years about me. I never could understand why we didn't get along and it only was revealed to me when she discovered the truth. We had money, a lot I guess, I didn't know. he's blown hundreds of thousands on his women and I've been the frugal one. he always complained I couldn't stay on a budget. Now I know the truth and it's painful to realize how many years I've been the fool. Trying to make the best of a one sided marriage for the sake of my kids. I am grateful to his new gf who let the cat out of the bag so to speak. Why she would want a man who would cheat on his wife and children for so many years is beyond me. She's married too so I guess that makes them "likeminded" I am looking forward the future and having only healthy people around me.

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    1. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. My mother is sixty and your story is just like hers. It's mind boggling to think that everything was a lie but the good thing is that you do get a fresh start and the best is that your relationship with your daughter can be repaired despite his destruction. I completely understand wanting to only be surrounded by healthy people from here out. Bless you and all the best on your fresh start.

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  18. Thank you so much for this posting!! My father was/is a narcissist, and this is exactly what I experienced growing up and now (when I run into people who loved and adored him). People would be shocked to know what life has been like for his children. Most do not know that my relationship with my father is practically null and void as a result. He continues to spin a yarn that we are a happy family. Maybe he believes it. Sad.

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    1. You're so welcome! Most people don't believe what really goes on behind closed doors… it's unfathomable to them based on the wonderful facade they have always been presented by the narc. It's amazing the distorted reality the narc can cling to despite those who know them well.

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  19. I have been separated from my narcissistic husband for a year and half. We were married for 33 years with three kids. The weird thing is that he hid his abuse from them so well that they do not really see what happened to me. Part of it may be, that they didn't notice a lot of it, because it was just normal for them. I also tried to protect them from it and hide it from them. I am terrified of going thru the divorce because I have never gone up against him and won!

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    1. Yes, I get what you are saying... they hide it well and maybe on some level we help shield our children from knowing how bad it is while we're in it.. only later they realize.,Winning is a tricky idea with a narcissist... jotting down a list of what you absolutely will not back down on may help ... Plus what are you willing to let go on and not pursue. It's an incredibly tough road with divorcing a narcissist but always worth it in the end... the amount of freedom and peace a person finally has is priceless. You're in my thoughts and I hope it is as smooth and stress free as possible.

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    2. Oh Chara! My mom was in this exact position! And as kids, young adults actually, we didn't see it right away either. A counselor helped us to understand and our eyes were opened. My mom (the weakest woman I knew at the time having been married for 25 years) did divorce him. She didn't think she could 'win' either and on some levels, she had to give up on the battle with money and items. But she always says now that you can't put a price on freedom. She's a new woman and it was worth it!

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  20. I thought for a moment that I had written this!! This was my dad exactly except for he loved his house and things too much (more than us!) to get physical... but everything else is exactly so! This is so helpful and encouraging! Thank you!!!

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    1. Thank you for commenting! I'm glad you found it encouraging.. Hugs!!

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