The Tsimhoni Children: Dear Judge Gorcyca

“Wooden Justice Gavel” by suphakit73 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

UPDATE: Friday, July 10th 2015 - 

as of this afternoon the children have been released from juvenile detention and sent to summer camp. 

This post is an open letter to Judge Lisa Gorcyca in Oakland county regarding the article (including court transcript) that was recently published highlighting her decision to send three children to a juvenile detention facility to live for refusing to have a "healthy relationship with their father." 

The hearing that took place involving a divorced mother and father along with their three children by the names of Liam, Rowie and Natalie only continues to prove that the family court system is not only deeply flawed but downright dangerous to children and hardly in their best interests. 


Dear Judge Gorcyca, 

Upon reading the news article regarding your decision to send the Tsimhoni children to a juvenile detention facility I was appalled. I was not only deeply saddened for these children and worried for them but rightly moved to write this letter to stress to you the error in your decision. 

The family court system is to look out for the best interests of the children. When you made the decision to send these three children to a juvenile detention center the system failed them. You were not looking out for their best interests… in fact, upon reading the transcript from the hearing and reading what you said during it, I can only conclude that you were at best highly emotional, (the transcript reeked of a lack of empathy on your part) in making such a serious decision that you were given the responsibility to make for this family. 

Looking out for the children's best interests means not placing them in a place where they will be frightened. Looking out for the children's best interests means not viewing them with contempt which you clearly do by the things you said to them: "I'll tell you this, you two don't have a nice lunch with your dad and make this up to your dad you're going to come back here at 1:30 and I'm going to have the deputies take you to Children's Village." 

Using threatening language with the children as you did only shows how you're merely using FEAR and SHAME tactics to get them to comply. You're ignorantly and superiorly believing that a lunch will fix whatever damage there may be between these children and their father. You're behaving as though these children are merely possessions and property that must bow to you and their father… like robots you believe by your actions they have no hearts, no feelings, no spirits. 

You, Judge Gorcyca are wrong. These are children with hearts, with feelings, with spirits and view points who are refusing to have lunch with their father. These are children who are saying no to a relationship with him. The eldest who is fifteen claims to have witnessed their father hit their mother. You are claiming parental alienation by the mother. As the judge and the one who is supposed to be the adult and run a responsible and ethical courtroom you are to get to the issue at hand; is there alienation or not? Or are the children rightly justified in refusing a relationship with their father? It's your job to find out. It's your job to step up to the plate and not take the easy way out; to not send three children packing to a detention facility, throwing your arms up and talking ugly to them. The youngest is nine, a girl… no, Judge Gorcyca… you owe these children an apology. You owe them an apology for not doing your job and finding out the truth. 

What's the truth? Is the mother alienating the children? Where is the proof? Is the dad abusive? Is HE healthy? If he is abusive the children should have a voice in whether they see him or not; a nine year old is old enough to see toxic behavior if it exists and voice how often or if at all he/she chooses to see that parent. Not everything is always as it seems on the surface. Is there a combination of issues going on? Is the father abusive and the mother finally snapped and just told the children in no uncertain terms exactly what she thinks of their father? We don't know… and clearly you don't either. But regardless of what the father, what the mother or the children have done… they DO NOT DESERVE the decision you made in that courtroom. There are many who believe you should be removed from the bench for your outrageous and blatantly irresponsible rulings. 

There are plenty of Ad Litems, counselors, therapists, etc that are available to help in these types of cases… there are plenty of avenues to consider and take besides throwing three innocent children into a mini prison like criminals. In the interim until the truth was sorted out wasn't the children staying with another relative an alternative to the choice you made? It seems you had many alternatives for these children yet instead you chose the punitive route. 

I will pray for these children's safety, that they are reunited with family members who have their best interests at heart. I will pray that the truth comes out and it's so glaringly obvious no one, not even you can deny it's reality. I will pray that you see the damage being done via your ruling to these children as so many of us can. 

In the transcripts you address the youngest, Natalie by saying "God gave you a brain. He expects you to use it." I would say He expects the same for you… use your brain, seek the truth, exude love, use discernment… because none of those were utilized in your courtroom that day. 


Sincerely, 

Jennifer Gafford 
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

The Narcissistic Sociopath: Are They Lying? Are Their Lips Moving?

If your lips are moving, if your lips are moving
If your lips are moving, then you're lyin', lyin', lyin', baby
If your lips are moving, if your lips are moving
If your lips are moving, then you're lyin', lyin', lyin', baby

Hey baby don't you bring them tears
'Cause it's too late, too late baby
You only love me when you're here
You're so two-faced, two-faced babe

You can buy me diamond earrings and deny-ny-ny, ny-ny-ny, deny-ny
But I smell her on your collar so goodbye-bye-bye, bye-bye-bye

I know you lie
'Cause your lips are moving
Tell me do you think I'm dumb?
I might be young, but I ain't stupid
Talking around in circles with your tongue

Meghan Trainor 
- Lips Are Moving Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

“Lying Businessman” by jesadaphorn via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

The narcissistic sociopath is a liar through and through. He or she has many forms of lying that they utilize… there are the lies of omission... 

which is omitting part of the story or not sharing any of it. There is the tactic of stonewalling (ignoring) when asked a direct question. He or she may also choose to embellish or completely change the facts of a situation… there is absolutely no reason for the lie, they just do it like breathing in each breath of air to live… it's pathological. There are the lies to make them appear more successful than others… "attention-seeking" as he or she may claim to be the CEO of a company that they merely work for. Of course, there is criticism as well. So many people suffer from low esteem because a narcissist has torn them down from head to toe... they feel worthless and have lost their zip, their laugh, their confidence and joy... essentially they have been stripped by the narcissist out of jealousy for their targets wonderful qualities... the narc lies and points out "flaws" to destroy the one their with making them believe they are unlovable. They lie about you... it's called a smear campaign, telling everyone you're either angry or crazy so that's why you've done x,y,z. 

Last, there is gas-lighting and projection. Gas-lighting is the conscious decision to deny someone's true reality and instead make them dependent upon the narcissists. 

Projection is claiming or accusing someone of doing something that in reality they themselves are doing; your partner accuses you of cheating when in reality they are. 

DEFINE THE NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH: 

They are quite simply 

SMOKE AND MIRRORS 

Like the song by Megan Trainor

 if the narcissists lips are moving

 it's a sure bet they are lying. 

**************************

April 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

It was a Saturday night… storms were rolling into the region and we were waiting to hear how bad it would be… heavy rain, strong winds and possible hail (hopefully no tornados) were expected but who knew if that would come to fruition as Texas weather tends to be a bit erratic… with temps in the fifties one day and then nineties the next. 


Dark clouds hung overhead and the humidity swelled in the air… my mother was busy at the kitchen counter preparing a salad complete with kale, sliced mushrooms, tomatoes, crumbled cheese and salad dressing. Meanwhile at the cooktop I was browning tortillas filled with fajita chicken, a medley of cheeses, chopped peppers and onion. 

My daughter fetched the tub of Daisy sour cream from the fridge and placed it on the table. I asked her to set out napkins, salsa and chips as well. After I served our food on my favorite plates we settled in our chairs at the table. 

"Mommy… Daddy told me that his daddy died in a car wreck." She told me, completely catching me off guard. I paused and looked over at her as I spooned some sour cream onto my plate. 

"You must have his daddy confused with someone else?" I asked. 

"No!" She shook her head adamantly, her wavy hair bobbing and her brows furrowed, "He told me that! That his daddy died in a car wreck!" She insisted. 

I wondered what on earth was going on and looked over at my mother who gave me a knowing look…. 

"Looks like someone is telling stories." She remarked. 

"Daddy told you that his daddy died in a car wreck?" I asked my daughter for confirmation. 

"Yes!" She exclaimed. 

"That's not true." I told her. "That's not true at all. Why did he tell you that?" I asked her. 

She shrugged "I don't know. But that is what he told us." She affirmed, referring to herself and her brother. 

"Unbelievable." I shook my head. 

"So it's not true?" She asked me. 

I shook my head "No, it's not true." 

"Huh. Well, he lied again!" She remarked and with a 'I'm not surprised' at all tone to her voice. 

"How did he die?" She asked me. 

"He was depressed." I told her simply. 

"What is depressed?" She asked me curiously. 

"That's where your mind doesn't feel well." I told her. 

"Oh." She said as she dipped a corner of her quesadilla in sour cream. 

We talked some more and it became oh so clear to me once again how the narcissist wants to paint a pretty picture of perfection… of themselves and their family… where no depression, no struggles exist… only a picture of them and their unflawed, near non-human ancestors reigned supremely over all others. 


Amazingly, it really wasn't any different than my own family growing up… my entire childhood had been a spew of verbiage, a tangled maze of obscurity that was meant to make us all, my mother, myself and siblings believe that we were worthy because we were descendants of someone, of someone important, of someone of status. We were constantly fed an unhealthy dose of "Our family line is related to General Lee" and swanky coat of arms were hung in fancy frames in our hallways, a sign of prideful delusion; like it mattered, like that genealogical fact made up for all the crazy hidden behind closed doors for generations, like it over-shone the fact that personality disorder ran rampant. 

I held a "I don't give a rat's rear who were related to" type philosophy that had infuriated those who believed it was the be all end all as it provided them the supply they so desperately needed to feel good about themselves. It's one thing to find our ancestry interesting, it's another to define who we are in it. Like a little celebratory affirming pat on the back narcissists remind themselves of their worth by who they know, who they are related to, not that Christ died for them because their sins are so wretchedly ugly and they needed a Savior. 

It seemed my ex was determined to paint a picture quite different from reality and now was feeding our children said lies. Perhaps your ex is doing the same thing. All we can do is continue to tell our children the truth… to teach our children that honesty is something to be valued, that we don't have to change our family history or cover it up to make it presentable to present or future generations… that we don't have to cling to these super inflated lies that we are worth something because were related to so and so or whomever holds a distant place in our family tree. The narcissistic sociopath may try to re-write history or make you doubt what you've lived… but at the end of the day you know the truth and that is your story to own no matter what. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

If you are a habitual liar and are willing to seek help from a professional, 
the first step is admitting you have a problem. The therapist will focus on the 
addictiveness that lying holds for you. The short term payoff in lying is a high of 
sorts that makes you feel better and is addictive like drugs or alcohol. 

RELATED POSTS: 

Wives: 3 Lies We Tell Ourselves & 5 Signs A Marriage Needs Help

Projection & Signs Of A Cheating Spouse

10 Phrases A Narcissistic Sociopath Uses

Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing! 

Our Laundry Is Not "Dirty" But Clean

Our Past…. 

Two simple words that hold such weight and meaning behind them. 

spring 2012 

some names have been omitted in this post 

************************************

I heard the ping of the stainless steel toaster and knew that meant my Eggo waffles were now crispy and hot, ready to eat. I snatched them up and placed them on a white plate and reached for the Aunt Jemima syrup. Still in gray plaid pajama pants and a charcoal gray sleep shirt, since I had some down time before heading out for the day, I padded barefoot to the mahogany kitchen table with my plate. 

The laptop computer on the nearby granite countertop was opened to Facebook and my glance took quick note that the message icon was lit up with a red notification showing I had a new message in my inbox along with a new friend request. Immediately the usual ambivalent feelings stirred in me upon seeing I had a friend request and wondering whom it could be. Just seeing that red icon lit gave me gnawing trepidation. Someone from my past was reaching out. That past that often seemed like it belonged to someone else because so much time had passed…  other times like it was yesterday but was still mine nonetheless. But who was it?

Part of me wanted nothing more than to just swiftly shut the laptop and go about my day…back to my breakfast that was waiting for me, errands and the signs of spring outside. It had been a very mild winter and the outside world had begun to prematurely explode with spring colors and temperatures in the sixties. Tiny green buds were about to bloom into delicate white fluffs on our bare crepe myrtles that would soon resemble snowy umbrellas. Pockets of yellow daffodils were in full bloom in our flowerbeds and it was only February. I was anxious to get on with my day and forget whatever was awaiting me in my inbox but curiosity overcame me. Pushing my feelings of dread aside I used my long nimble fingers to hover the cursor over the inbox icon then clicked. I had no idea what to expect next. Relief ensued, washing over me. It was a sweet friend from high school reaching out, wondering whatever had happened to me our junior year, as I had inexplicably disappeared. What came next was a flood of memories as I typed a response to her. 

***********************

Spring 1994 

some names have been omitted or changed in this post

The next morning I realized Bao had never told his grandmother I was staying with him in their apartment. Yet it became quite clear she wasn't aware of my presence when she caught a glimpse of me in his bedroom through the cracked door. I listened as he spoke to her quietly in the early morning hours and cringed, instinctively knowing this wasn't going to end well. Seeing me, she pushed the door open with all of her tiny frame, knocking Bao slightly off balance as he tried to brace himself with the wielding wood door. An angry and pointed Vietnamese string of accusing words came hurling at me with a look of disgust and then a look of pained disappointment at Bao. I couldn’t focus well as my eyes were blurred from wearing my contacts to bed and having nothing to store them in left me with wearing them to sleep each night only to have them completely fogged over each morning with sleepy debris. Before I escaped to the bathroom to take them out and rinse them as best I could, I tried to pull a blanket around me as I sat on the mattress in Bao’s dark blue pajama pants and oversized t-shirt. Bao quickly tried to assuage her by gently taking her shoulder and explaining that nothing was going on, that we were merely friends and he was trying to help me because I was in a bind. I felt terribly bad for upsetting this older woman unnecessarily and especially after she had not only welcomed me into her home as a dinner guest but also unwittingly and unknowingly as a continual overnight one too. Bao shrank from his grandmother's rapid admonition and I realized this wasn’t going to work. He realized it too as I quickly fled to the bathroom to change back into my jeans and turtleneck. I hadn’t done anything with Bao, as we were just friends, yet I was acutely aware of his grandmother’s internal thoughts of me with her eyes pouring into my back. My face crimson from her stare, I glanced back to throw her one last genuinely apologetic look and she slammed the door shut in my face with a glare.

***********************

So often we walk around wounded with scars endured from past hurts and traumas that occurred in our past. We walk around with hurts so deep and past experiences so unbelievable that if ever dared uttered to anyone, people predictably gasp and say "I never would have guessed"… or "You don't fit the stereotype"… maybe even "You? No way…"

And yet, it was you. You may not fit the stereotype, you may not look the part, you may not fit the bill but that was you… it's your life, your story, your history and has undeniably contributed to who you are today. Any scars we bear no matter how deep, how inexplicably painful... we wear often hidden. We don't dare talk of rape, we don't dare talk of one night stands, or pre-marital sex, or maybe an abortion… we don't dare talk about our ugliest moments, our most heart wrenching times that brought us to our knees asking God for divine intervention because we have literally been faced with way more than we could ever handle…. we don't dare speak of the ugliness behind the marital bedroom door and the bruises endured by an abusive spouse… we don't dare show anyone weakness or internal pain because that would mean opening ourselves up for vulnerability, judgment and the wrath of people who love to hate those that speak truth and are beautifully honest even when life's moments are  anything but those of beauty. We don't talk about why we aren't wearing our wedding ring even though everyone notices and those that care, even strangers pray for us… we don't talk about how we really aren't "fine" but were dying inside because were depressed and hanging on by a mere thread wondering how we will make it to the next day much less the next hour.

There is so much that we don't talk about when it comes to what were going through and where we've been. Because at the end of the day aren't we often worried about what people will say? Don't we all at some point worry that our story will be seen as "dirty" and (gasp) then we might be viewed as "dirty" too? We shudder to think of that happening and so we close off… we keep quiet… we cloak our face with a poker expression, we don't talk about it and instead kick it all under the rug like not-to-be-seen dirt clods.

Some people may say our story, our life experiences are comparable to "dirty laundry". I remember sitting in a cafe years ago with a group of women… one who had recently endured a terrible loss, a loss no woman ever wants to experience… a miscarriage. My heartstrings were pulled and I felt great sadness, empathy and pain for her. As empathetic concerns and condolences were shared in hushed tones with her one woman spoke "Why on earth didn't you say something? I care, I'm your friend." she stressed to her. Knowing her, I knew she was coming from a well intentioned place and was awed to see her transparent honesty with her friend. Yet the grieving mother seemed suddenly annoyed and snapped "I'm not going to post my dirty laundry all over!"

Her words stayed with me for a long time… and still linger with me today.... her miscarriage, her baby, her loss could never ever be compared to "dirty laundry"… it was out of her control… it wasn't her fault… it wasn't a wanted loss… and it certainly wasn't dirty. Naturally by all means it was her right to keep her loss private and only between close family and friends.

It's certainly everyone's right to keep their laundry in the basket and not let anyone see it…. but it's not dirty laundry in a closed hamper. The "dirt", the "guilt", the "shame" and the "ugly" has been bleached and removed. 

No matter what we've been through by someone else's doing, what's happened by mere unfortunate circumstance or what we've experienced through our own sinful choices, our stumbles and fleshly errors… we can remember that we don't have to call our past "dirty laundry".

Because of Christ's love for us we have been cleansed. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

New Living Translation

Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, commenting & sharing! 

Related Posts: 

When All You Have Is A Prayer 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2012/12/when-all-you-have-is-prayer.html

Life: It's An Obstacle Course

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/05/life-its-obstacle-course.html

Healing From A Sexual Past Leads Us To Pure Love
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/05/healing-from-sexual-past-leads-us-to.html

Wives: 3 Lies We Tell Ourselves & 5 Signs A Marriage Needs Help

Parked in my driveway I sat behind the wheel in the driver's seat of my car… and waited… watching in the rear view mirror I saw the black four door sedan continue sitting, parked on the street in front of my house. With it's windows completely blackened out and not able to see whom was in it… my heart sank… I was pretty certain I knew what this was about… and thought back to the incident a few weeks before…


We had just had Christmas… it was only days past the twenty fifth of December…not yet the new year...  when upon checking the mail I discovered a thick white envelope and seeing the return address was from the IRS my stomach turned like it was suddenly sour… instinctively I knew something wasn't right and with quick hands tore open the top of the envelope. Inside I was filled with dread as I began reading… numbers jumped at me… how much we owed… how unbeknownst to me he hadn't paid the taxes… in years… I saw double digit numbers adorned with zeros jump at me… in shock, all the penalties that were adding up day by day, hour by hour, minute by passing minute.

Questions 

and 

Fears 

loomed 

ahead… 

How would we ever pay this much money back?

Why did he let this happen?

How could he?!

What was he thinking?!

Why didn't he say something?

Would we lose our house?

I waited and the sedan wouldn't budge… finally I sighed with resignation, putting the clutch in reverse, slowly backing down the driveway and passing the black sedan… only to spot it, sure enough, with sharp eyes focused on it in my mirror, the sedan pulling away from the curb as soon as I passed... it tailing me down the street. Making the turn out of our community and onto the main thoroughfare, I headed toward the grocery store weaving my way through foggy morning traffic. Upon pulling into the grocery store parking lot and into a parking space, I watched as the sedan pulled in two spaces down facing me on the opposite row. The man in the sedan sat, waiting me out, with dark sunglasses on. It happened in a flash, me exiting the vehicle in my coat wearing the collar popped up and him springing out to photograph me as I quickly tried to turn my head and the wind whipped, partially hiding my face as I strode away from the car toward the store.

***********

We sold our house and lost money on it… the anger, the hurt, the betrayal felt toward him in my marriage was there as well as embarassment. I crossed the yard for the last time and watched the moving truck pull away… headed toward the dismal rental we would call home for a few years. I had naively believed: "he screwed up… we just have to make it past this hurdle… this one hurdle… and then it will be okay again… we will be paying this off for a few years and get back on our feet… but he will learn his lesson"…


In a few short years with plenty of sacrifice we would get back on our feet financially… far better than before… but "lessons learned" and "no more hurdles" were just lies whispered in the wind.

THE LIES WE TELL OURSELVES.

I had no idea how many more "screw ups" there would be to come over the years…


Marriage brings two imperfect people into a union… two imperfect people who undoubtedly also contribute challenges to the mix... of sharing a bathroom, paying off a mortgage, raising kids and meddling in-laws. There are the dirty clothes left on the floor, the whiskers in the sink that make you want to gag, the cookie crumbs on the counter alongside empty wrappers. If those were the worst challenges to cope with, to give grace and attempt to find solutions to… maybe it wouldn't be so "challenging".

But when a spouse continually shows you signs of what resembles teenage irresponsibility, downright criminal behavior joined with lies… when the "screw up's" just continue and never seem to stop… to just crop up again and again each time after the dust has just settled from the last incident…

You may begin to feel like you're riding a roller coaster of emotional havoc and unpredictability. It's bad enough to have your spouse feeding you lies and excuses on a silver spoon with a smile… but what's worse? The lies (excuses) you begin telling yourself. You may tell yourself…


He's really sorry, he has apologized. I have to believe that he's truly sorry... afterall, he's my husband. 

(Only problem is... this keeps happening. If he's a sociopath he's likely not done using you/gaining narcissistic supply, which would be the only reason he would ever apologize, due to needing more time to fulfill his goals, because sociopath's don't ever say "I'm sorry"). 


He really screwed up, but he's also going to learn his lesson… this won't happen again...

(Hopefully!... Right?!)


Were just going through a tough time right now… but it will pass and get better. 

(I mean, everyone has problems now and then, right?)


No, no, no…. this isn't about how he's typically late or how he can't stand a certain food you love, or gee, why can he not seem to remember where you keep the spatulas in the kitchen. This is about behavior that involves hiding information, withholding, lying, editing, or whatever you will call it… this is big stuff, this is behavior that puts your finances at risk, your family at risk, your future at risk, this is behavior that also leads to the same destructive path as cheating, to affairs, to a secret life behind closed doors you know nothing about… this is about an individual who lives with an indifferent chip on his shoulder toward others in society, who idolizes ego, status and image, who does what he wants, who does not care for his fellow man, who owes no one the truth and eventually has a chip on his shoulder toward you.. and who lives in a world that in his mind you will never be a party to because he doesn't share any more inner thoughts with you than his favorite cheese, his most admired mentor or his dvd collection. Getting in his mind and knowing what he's thinking is comparable to pulling nails from a stud only to find it's not possible. Figuring out why he continues to pull these inconceivable stunts and "screw ups" escapes you and leaves you scratching your head as they stack up one after another like wrecked cars on a dusty road.


As each incident piles up in your rearview mirror you think each time: "This is ridiculous!… again? He screwed up AGAIN?!" 

You stay 

because 

he's. that. good. 

He manages to wiggle his way back into your heart and you see all the good things he is doing and it's so much easier to just paint a pretty picture, tell yourself a lie, swallow the ones he feeds you… a picture of lovely fantasy that he is more than willing to help construct… where everything is fuzzy, rosy wonderfulness and combined with his way of explaining it all away… as if it's perfectly normal for everyone to have these life altering incidents continually pop up in life like an ugly jack in the box… he snows you and you buy the ticket to another subscription… another chapter, another year, another five years and however many "incidents" and "screw ups" along the broken way... like a busted street hitting the potholes that he promised would be fixed… or maybe they are fixed, just enough…. just a few feet ahead… like a mirage it glimmers ahead all shiny and new… only much to your dismay for you to get a little further up the street to see the gaping potholes once again.

It's time to put on the brakes, remove our sunglasses and take a good look at the street were on.

Signs Of A Marriage In Need Of Help Despite The Lies We Tell Ourselves:

1. You both no longer share the same concerns. If you have an issue with something, let's say your finances, taxes, budget, etc and how their spent or handled... or perhaps your health has taken a recent nose dive and you're seeing doctor after doctor trying to get a diagnosis. If he's not concerned about the finances or for you and your well being... those are both big issues that need to be addressed. If he's acting like your valid concerns over the finances or your health are anything but valid but more like just your problem... then yeah, you have a huge problem. With him. As a couple, you should both be invested in issues that crop up as partners; together, ready to take on anything as a team and see the other spouses concerns as a concern for you both. If you feel alone in your marriage, it's time for a good hard look at the big picture. It's often so easy for us to get caught up in the day to day activities of life, especially as women multitasking.... caring for our children, homemaking, cooking, errands, work, that often conquering merely another week at most is preferable over seeing what lies ahead further down the road.

2. He's pulling away and his behavior is distant... unlike how he used to be. He could be emotionally and physically distancing himself because he's cheating... if he's mentally caught up in another relationship much of his energy will be dedicated to that and he may seem not as involved, as immersed in family life and connected to you. If he's suddenly seeing friends for lunch or going to the movies alone or traveling more for work... even working overtime these are red flags that something may not be right.


3. If you aren't both working toward a common goal; a healthy marriage and open communication. Then your marriage is on rocky terrain. It's time to get back to basics in communicating and problem solving. It might be a good idea to make a list of things you can talk to your spouse about… positive topics. Then make a list of topics you have difficulty sharing with him or that seem to be a continual source of friction. Mentally rate your marriage on a scale of one to ten… one being the lowest score and ten being the (best) highest score. Do you think your spouse would agree with you or would his score be lower or higher? Set some time aside for you to both discuss how you feel and share your lists... it may confirm that marital counseling is needed.


4. A lack of intimacy in the relationship. This is always a red flag and if one spouse is pulling away it could indicate a lack of trust in the other person on their part. If he's consistently not home when he says he will be, if he is continually pulling irresponsible stunts that jeopardize the family, if he's condescending toward his wife, abusive, even neglectful… it will show up in the bedroom. If he's checking out the single women in the waiting room of his pregnant wife's ob/gyn doctor's office or anywhere else… there's a problem and disrespect is just one of them. If a man is treating his wife right outside the bedroom it will be reflected behind the bedroom door.


5. If your spouse has become the enemy. If your spouse has become someone you now view as on the "other side"… as an individual to do battle with, to "deal with", endure, tolerate, etc… this is not what the picture of a marital relationship should be. If you believe you are no longer working as a team, a united partnership… then that deters communication and intimacy. It's time to reflect on what brought you to this place and what resentments have been allowed to set in. If incidents of irresponsibility continue to crop up by one spouse it's not the job of the other spouse to play parent and continue to "fix" it, come to the rescue or slap a bandaid on the situation... it's time to seek help from a trusted Pastor or therapist. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

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