Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Saying Goodbye To Your Ex & "Yes" To Love Again

It was late… what time was it?  I pressed the button on my iPhone and the screen lit up… the time displayed that it was 11:25 p.m. Resting my tired head on the pale pink pillow, my mother perched at the end of my king size four poster bed. Naturally a night owl… it was nothing for me to stay up and begin drafting a blog at midnight… and work till 1 a.m. … tonight, the blog was drafted to be edited the next day and published… work had been particularly busy that day…  I always pushed myself more than usual on the weeks I didn't have my daughter… but tonight sleep was calling and my eyes were quickly becoming bleary.

Hair pinned up in a bun and my favorite lightweight wrap around my shoulders, I listened as my mother spoke to me in the dim bedroom… mirrors and framed photos of my children across the room sparkled on the wall. "It's amazing to me… the lengths some people will go to just to make their point… to let you know that they are mad… that they are angry with you and they want you to pay… because essentially that's what this is… this is someone who is so angry, so mad that they were dumped… that now they are expending all their energies into creating havoc… them getting dumped chapped them so bad they are willing to go to any and all lengths to let you know just how mad they are. And they will stop at nothing it seems… because they have nothing else to do with their time. They don't realize that in the grand scheme of things… the other person already won. They are rid of them… they are rid of the toxic, abusive person they are… and they have moved on… it's really hilarious when you think about it… because the abuser is so angry that such a good person got away from them… because how dare they do that… it's believing the person needs to be punished and whatever means they have to do that they will utilize… whether it's emotionally, using the children or financially, they will."

Listening to her words I stared up at the tiny white twinkle lights canopied with white gauzy sheers across the ceiling over my bed… creating a romantic haven… the tiny lights cast a pretty glint on everything. I looked over at her…

"It's true… it's been how long?" I mused aloud... "I will have filed for divorce two years ago this October. It's crazy. And you're right… at the end of the day… even though there are undeniably aggravating moments here and there… I certainly still have my days, for sure… but for the most part… I've checked out of the nonsense and getting all up in arms about it. Because it's not worth my time. I have to keep going back to that. No matter what I do in his eyes it's wrong…  it's all a game to some people… jump through this hoop, no, jump higher next time… it doesn't matter what he thinks because it's always met with pointed fingers of how it wasn't good enough… any good efforts made are twisted or minimized or dismissed. It's truly laughable, really." I chuckled… then paused… and quietly added with my head on my pillow clutching it… curled up like a snug bug... "I'm ready to move on… I'm looking to the future… enjoying a career… raising my daughter… I want to fall in love. I want to love someone with a kind heart… I want to share a beautiful life with someone special…  " I trailed off in deep thought…

At some point we are ready
 to move on from our past relationship... move on from our broken marriage… even if the other person, our ex, seems to be holding on for dear life through any and all manipulation and or punishment to keep discord alive and well through their negative actions toward us. But we don't have to subscribe to their unwillingness to let go and move along… there are things we can do to begin our new life in the best way possible.

We can remind ourselves that just because a relationship has ended our life hasn't. Quite the contrary… life is just beginning. There is life after a broken marriage… and just because the marriage failed doesn't mean you can't thrive. This is another chance at creating the life you want and in that the picture you have of what makes up a family may have to be redefined. That is perfectly okay. It might be a struggle managing finances, a new career and raising children alone… but with time all things are new. We can make way for new things in our life with the mentality that this too shall pass… nothing is forever… removing any catastrophic thinking does wonders… because statements like "It will never get better…" or "This is so horrible, I can't see it improving…" and "Life sucks!" is not helpful at all… it's that type of thinking that leads to a dead end… and keeps us in a negative spin cycle.

Love: A New Beginning: 3 Tips

1. Saying No To The Wrong Qualities: 
Jumping into a new relationship that is wrong for us too soon after divorcing can be catastrophic… leading us to reel backward and find ourselves hurting even more than before. One way we can avoid this is by first taking the time we need to heal from our past relationship. Once that has happened then we can slowly begin dating… but is the person were interested in have the qualities that we would value in a spouse? This is essential. If they don't have the qualities we believe to be important and that have God's blessing… then we are ultimately wasting our time and the other person's. Obviously physical attraction is important but we know a relationship can't live off that alone.

2. Refining Our Communication Skills:
There are some who claim "there are two sides to every story"… and in fact sometimes that's true...  sometimes relationships can be undeniably messy with a lot of gray area. Yet that statement can't be applied to every relationship. Other times there is more "blame" for the failure of a relationship on one person's shoulders… but with that… even the one who is possibly the more innocent of the two… it's crucial that they can communicate effectively in their next relationship. It's so easy for us to say in the aftermath of divorce about our ex... "He has been such a jerk… he makes me so mad!" when in reality the root of anger is always hurt. When we acknowledge our hurts instead and voice "It hurts me when he behaves that way" ... that is a much more effective way to communicate our thoughts and removing the attack on the person.

3. Willing To Trust: 
Being a member of online support groups since my divorce has helped tremendously with my healing… I have witnessed the absolute most endearing actions of so many men… men who were married to women that were of a narcissistic sociopathic nature… these men who were faithful and loving yet were cheated on, even abused in some way. It's been amazing seeing what dedicated fathers these men are to their children as they try to co-parent with less than amicable ex's. These men may struggle with trusting again… and as women we may as well. Yet in time after we've healed we can all take that chance… be willing to bare our souls, to be vulnerable… to dive in and allow a man to pursue us… and let our care for him shine as well. Not all men are like your ex… they cannot be lumped into one single pile… the next person you date, possibly become exclusive with and even go on to marry is an individual…

He is a person with a past and he quite possibly could be part of your future… 

We just have to be brave enough despite our past to say "yes" to him.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

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