Friday, April 26, 2013

The Body Of A Woman: Eating Disorder


As women we all want to look nice. We want to look our best and with that we may often sigh about an extra five, ten, fifteen, thirty or plus pounds.

We have all been subjected to unhealthy images of females in magazines and on television, in movies etc. Whether teenage girls or grown women, we know that the pressure today to be thin is huge.

Where does an unhealthy mindset begin?

When we are focused on the...



The word "Diet" 

We can consciously remind ourselves that the word "Diet" is a four letter word and one that shouldn't be used in our vocabulary, homes etc. Women may use it freely but it's a dangerous word to speak and not one we should ever let our daughters hear us say. Studies have shown that the risk of an eating disorder rises in girls who live in a household where other females use the word "diet", talk about food restriction and obsess with the digits on the scale. For some reason in our society today we have been erroneously led to believe that by saying "Ugh, I need to diet! If I can just lose five pounds..." we are being humble and modest. But this is backward thinking and we can replace it with healthy thinking.

It's really difficult to have a healthy view of what we are supposed to eat when we are bombarded daily by ads for bacon cheeseburgers and curly fries alongside glossy photos of polished models who don't look like they've eaten much but lettuce all week. But when we ditch the grocery cart full of cabbage and energy drinks and actually buy a weeks worth of balanced foods that will nourish our body with the protein, calcium and vitamins it needs to stay strong.... we will be nurturing our bodies, not depriving.

Weight monitoring is just that.... monitoring. It's another word for control. It's really attempting to control something...  anything... because we may feel so out of control in other areas of our lives. You don't have to be ashamed of this! Everyone goes through stressful times in their lives and sometimes we may turn to unhealthy ways to manage or control our stress. So we may choose to control our weight. It's dangerous because very quickly we can lose sight of what we truly look like.... our image in the mirror may become inaccurate due to our own distorted mental view of ourselves. In our unhealthy minds we may believe we need to lose weight but the reality is we may be dangerously thin. It's important that as women we monitor our monitoring.... if we find ourselves beginning to judge our bodies with a negative internal dialogue we need to say "Stop." And then pause and review what we are saying to ourselves....

Because if it's not kind, if it's not something you could or would say to one of your girlfriends, then you shouldn't say it to yourself. 

As women we may feel the need to strive for perfection in our weight.... but more than likely the perfectionism is based on society's standards. The sooner we ditch what society believes is right for us the happier we will be and that much sooner we can live an authentic life. 

We can look in the mirror and say:

 "I am blessed with a strong body and no matter what frame, height, etc I am... I am going to strive for my healthiest.... not thinnest!" 

God blessed you with a strong healthy body. He wants you to nourish it each and everyday. He wants you to appreciate your curves and muscles. He wants you to glorify Him. He wants you to care for your body and feed it well...  as we are each wonderfully made by Him. 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. 
Psalm 139:14

© ~ 2013 

Signs you or a loved one may have an eating disorder:

1. Selective eating
2. Weight loss
3. Obsessed with clothing sizes, numbers on scale
4. Refuses to eat in front of others
5. Always has an excuse to not eat; upset stomach, ill, busy, stressed, not hungry etc
6. Complains of being overweight when in reality not
7. Exercises compulsively
8. Wears baggy clothes to hide weight loss
9. Stops menstruating
10. Feels faint, dizzy, tired
11. Takes laxatives
12. Uses restroom right after eating
13. Shame, low self esteem, depression 

Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing! 

Friday, April 19, 2013

Married To A Narcissistic Sociopath

October 2012 


You stare at the computer in shock.

 Not believing what you are seeing. 

He doesn't love you. 

He wasn't in it for the long haul. You supplied a fleeting need, a deep empty hole to be filled, a momentary time of idealization of you. It worked for a while. He made you feel special at first and adored you, pinched himself he got you, bragged to everyone about you. But eventually he will become bored. And he will begin to treat you less and less well as he once had. He bitches to his mother in secret about his unhappiness. She in turn will enable his poor behavior on you. Because it's what she knows. And what she does. The hurt he inflicted on you and the way you saw him dismissively treat others for years made you cringe. You witnessed him being short with waitstaff, cashier's and valet's. You voiced your concerns of this which were repeatedly dismissed and denied. Then you internally question his negative behaviors because he proudly parades you around on his arm like a trophy unbeknownst to you at the time that he is further feeding his sick twisted need within him that he has someone so pretty, so talented and so good. 

He tells everyone:
 "She's so good." 

Because deep down he knows he could never ever get anyone as good, meaning sweet hearted as you. He is cunning and manipulative and presents a facade of "the good guy." He wants the best for himself. He wants the best for you... because when you have the best of everything he feels puffed up and like an addict who gets his momentary high. But it wears off and there is withdrawal. Like an addict he always needs more and more. He buys you the diamond earrings. He buys a Jaguar. He buys a boat. He buys a big house. He buys art and toys and gadgets. His ego continues to inflate like a hot air balloon. There were glimpses of a larger issue than just ego and image but you second guess and self doubt. Later of course these moments are always crystal clear.  

The hurtful words toward you increase, the criticisms of how you are not doing this right, you are not doing enough. It's never enough. He tells you.... You don't give him enough sex even when you are. You don't hug him even when you do. You don't give him enough back rubs when you do. You don't text him enough. You don't go to lunch with him enough. You don't watch his movies enough. You don't relax. Ah, but today you are relaxing too much... get off your ass and do something! You gain weight and now you're too big. You lose weight and he says "You look like shit. Go look in the mirror. Gain some weight." He twists and turns everything to be your fault. He poisons the children with bribery and indulgence to like him more. He undermines your authority and sabotages any good character and responsibility you try to instill in them. He takes zero blame. Because at the core he's criminal. He evades taxes, he speeds, he lies, he breaks rules, he's underhanded in business. You can't keep up with the pressures from him and keep him happy because the rules change daily, by the hour and by the minute. He changes the game on you so you never know the rules in this ongoing cycle of confusion. You can't be enough now. He has sucked you dry like a vampire, he has used you up. You are exhausted and chronically emotionally and physically spent. But the demands increase. He wants anal sex, he wants this, he wants that. You stand your ground and are disgusted by him. You lose all respect for him and for good reason. You are repelled by him and you tell him so. 

He pulls further and further away and he seeks new attention outside the relationship to fill that hole. The distance between you widens as that HE MUST FILL his emptiness just like an addict in withdrawal. The man you once knew that adored you, that boasted of you, that loved you.... seeks a new love to fill that gaping hole. He plays the victim, sighs and shakes his head to others as he lies about you and says "I know... she has issues. I just couldn't help her. I've been so unhappy for a long time." You find out he's been cheating and see the evidence... the ugliness... the outright lies, the hateful words written about you and even the new women... how all women "are dumb"... and how he laughs at how truly dumb they are... because they fell for his lies, his manipulation and facade. He is discarding you. You are worthless now. You mean nothing to him now. Because he's used you up. You shudder and realize....

this isn't love. This is the DEVIL.

The devil has been in your bed. The devil has been in your home. The devil has been helping raise your children. The devil has been conning you. The devil has been pinching himself and laughing the entire time. 

The devil has infiltrated every aspect of your life. 

Who is this devil? 


You married this. More than like likely because it's what you knew. Maybe because this was your dad. It presented differently so you erroneously believed "different was okay" ... but just because it's "different crazy" doesn't mean it's not crazy. 

You don't have to live with this. 
You can kick crazy to the curb. 
You have one life. 

And it's too precious to waste on the devil. 

But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. ...

 2 Timothy 3:1-7

© ~ 2013

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

A Mom's Journey Of Love: Special Needs

I had just voiced my concerns to the pediatrician and explained how my son was nearly two years old yet not verbal. Having told the doctor how he would merely grunt and point at the refrigerator when he wanted milk to drink I pressed my growing concern that something was not right.

But instead of a referral to someplace for testing the doctor had merely responded with:

"This is just first time mother's anxiety. Each child reaches milestones at their own pace. I see nothing to be concerned about."

I fired him that day. 

I knew something wasn't right.

Mother's have a gut instinct.

And for good reason.

Mother's... you can rest assured that if you believe even for a second that something is "not right" with your child's development.... listen to that inner voice. Pay close attention. Because it's much too important to let slide.

My son wasn't talking. He had crawled late and it wasn't the typical crawl that most children have. This crawl was like an army crawl,... he'd move his little body forward using his forearms but dragging his lower half along the floor behind him as an after thought. He was chronically upset and I spent hours pacing the floor holding him as he screamed and cried. Nothing seemed to soothe him. Desperate for a break, I'd eventually leave him safely tucked in his crib where he'd continue to scream on end until his little face was as red as a beet. He couldn't seem to self-soothe. The pacifier was a joke and ended up as a projectile across the room. Sunlight and water in his eyes sent him into a full blown production of body contorting along with squinted eyes and crying. Sock seams irritated him to no end, were tossed to the side and when I held him he was like limp spaghetti as if he lacked the upper body muscles to hang onto me. Lovies and rattles were not a comfort and he'd squirm away from them as if they frightened him. I'd sit him up in my lap and coo at him, trying desperately to catch his eye and make some sort of connection with him. But instead to my dismay he'd look right through me as if I wasn't there and the blankness there left me feeling as if I might as well be invisible.

Then the head banging began. Head banging on the tile floor like he was at a rock concert but much less fun. Screaming and crying like he was trying to escape himself. I'd rescue him from the floor and move him to the soft carpeting where he'd continue to attempt to bang his forehead as I'd try to hold him, comfort him and he'd flail about in return. By this time I'd be about in tears and not know what to do. I'd sit on the floor with tears threatening to engulf my eyes and scream out from within "What is going on?!?!?!?"

He'd play with his Thomas the Train set that he was obsessed with but not the typical way most children would. He'd line up the little trains with smiling faces and if one was moved out of place he'd lose it. He'd begin screaming and throwing the trains. He'd line up anything he could get his hands on...  cars, books, blocks, figures, farm animals, anything. The "meltdown's" worsened until he began hitting and biting. I was at my wit's end with what was wrong. I knew that he needed help.... that WE needed help. I didn't care at that point WHAT the issue was.... I just wanted to find out what it was so we could get him the help he needed.

That was way easier said than done. 

First.... came denial. 

There were family members who preferred to stay in denial that there was any need for help.

In hindsight.... I can tell anyone going through this:

Take control. 

I did take control. But I should have sooner. I should have just done what needed to be done and NOT listened to the external voices of denial from other's that desperately wanted to believe everything was peachy, rainbows had pots of gold and ponies didn't poop.

If I had it to do over, I'd have sought help sooner. 

We took him in for testing.

After it was completed the results were given to us: 


Later we were told technically Aspergers. High functioning. 

Applied Behavioral Therapy began to help with behavior, speech therapy began and both began showing steady improvements. I was ecstatic to see his progress in baby steps and became his advocate. I began reading as many books as I could get my hands on to educate myself about autism, sensory disorders, speech delays and learning disorders. I would stay up late at night absorbing as much information as I could so I'd be better informed.

I am incredibly proud of my son. When I look at him, I see happiness, I see a love of animals, the great outdoors and creativity. I don't just see Aspergers because he is so much more yet in that I see many challenges overcome, many years of hard work put in, speech now completely on target, many sensory issues overcome (swimming accomplished!) emotions better coped with, and an enthusiasm to help others. When I see him I see love. I see a little boy I was beyond blessed to be given because I know because of him I am a better person. God has blessed me with the opportunity to be strong and advocate for him and be the voice he needed when he didn't have one. I look at him and I see his sweetness. His smile. His laugh and love of being silly. I see his hurt when other's don't give him a chance because sometimes he may come across as bossy due to his need for control. I see the enormous pressure he puts on himself because he wants to do his best. I see his need to be loved and understood and validated.

For years he never said "I love you." As a mom my heart ached that he never said those words and that socially he didn't understand why we say them to the people we care about. I finally decided one day when incorporating his social stories (when you role play to teach a special needs child what to do or say in specific situations) that it was a huge disservice to not teach him something so important. I explained to him when we deeply care for someone we say: "I love you and they usually then say I love you back."

That night at bedtime and ever since when I've said "I love you." he has replied with "I love you back."

He took it to mean literally but that's okay. It's our thing, it's special and it makes me smile.

Here's to the moms who doubt themselves, who beat themselves up, who question, who cry, who drive in traffic with the same questions swirling in their heads of what to do, who wonder if what their doing is right, good enough or even wrong. Here's to the moms who continue to fight for their child even when they are bone tired from exhaustion, endless evaluations and therapies. Here's to the mom's who feel they are fighting this battle alone and think they have no one to turn to, to listen to, or guide them....


Other's have been there before you. 

Other's are there now. 

We know the pain, the doubts, the tears, the questions, the isolation and the loneliness. 

God will guide you. God will pick you up off the floor, hold you, wipe your tears and lift you up. God will lead you to the right places, the right people and the right help. God will get you the answers you need. And along the way, bit by bit God will give you people.... other moms who are going through the same thing and who will offer you support, advice, hope and most of all..... LOVE.

© ~ 2013 

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Narcissistic Father's: Living In The Lion's Den

“Lion In The Dark Night” by anankkml via 

It was the same every night. 
The same dinner table ritual. 

While other families gathered around their kitchen tables and passed heaping bowls of mashed potatoes, green beans and a platter of mom's meatloaf with animated and loving exchanges about their day.... asking questions of what they did, how their day went, what the best part of their day was, what their disappointment of the day was, etc....

We gathered around the table in stony silence. We knew our place. We knew to shut up and keep quiet. We knew when he arrived at 5:30 p.m. sharp each evening just in time for dinner our place was to sit, eat and not speak. For this was HIS time. His time to shine. His time to talk. His time to be heard. His time to have the floor.

It was all about him. 

We would be asked two questions each night during dinner:

1. Do you have homework?
2. Is your homework done?

If we answered that it wasn't done it would be responded to with a grunt and a "After dinner get it done. Then showers and bed."

Children were seen.
Not heard.

There was no laughter. There was no play. There was no silliness. Those things brought noise, irritation, mayhem and a lack of control.

Being the eldest child I was targeted the rebellious one. 

I was the headstrong one. 

I questioned his motives, his actions and words. 

I knew something was wrong. 

But at the time I just didn't know WHAT.

I knew what was expected of me; that I was to carry out his dreams, goals and future. I knew in his eyes I was merely an extension of his ego, not an individual. The few favors he did for me were tiny morsels given sparingly yet followed with an insidious guilt trip of "I have gone above and beyond for you." Or I'd be outright abused with "If it wasn't for ME you'd still be gone, living in poverty, on your back, and have ten kids by now." I knew how much hurt he was further capable of inflicting when I gave him gifts he never opened, cards he never read, and then shockingly denied my ever giving him gifts to begin with. The outright lies would leave you with your lip curled in disgust. No one would have ever believed he could behave this way behind closed doors because in public he was deceptively charming and pleasant... even to extended family members and the two men I dated, which in turn made you question the dark reality you knew and lived. I would endure his guilt trips of "I thought I was going to have some help" on me whenever I gave any minscule thought to doing something career wise that didn't line up with what he wanted me to do... which was to follow in the obligatory footsteps of his family business. In his world my feelings didn't matter and anything I asked for was responded with "That's not necessary." He made it clear my mere existence was a disappointment because I hadn't been born a boy... his name wouldn't go on. What I felt didn't matter, he didn't have time to hear about what I thought because he couldn't get past his own needs first and foremost. When my siblings began rebelling I was deemed the reason for their rebellion.... "This is because YOU wouldn't behave." And what was even worse is that in this sick nightmare he managed to temporarily manipulate my mother for years by whispering lies into her ear that "All our problems are due to these kids who can't behave." When you live in this it strips you of objectivity because he is cunningly skilled at creating confusion and self doubt. He twisted and manipulated the truth to suit his own distorted way of thinking and when you didn't conform to what he wanted, what he NEEDED to make himself look good to the outside world, he would toss you aside like a newspaper from last week, suddenly deemed utterly useless to him.

You live trapped like this for so long. You don't understand it yet you know without a doubt it's not normal and it's not healthy. Yet you are trapped in it and you don't know what to do and how to cope. Inside you are screaming out for help. But no one hears you. There is no outside support system. He has purposely seen to that. So you leave. And you swear you'll never go back. You swear any amount of pain couldn't be worse than what you've lived under his roof. But you do go back. You think of the two younger ones you left behind. And yes, just as you feared, it's a million times worse when you return. It's like living in what you can only imagine living in hell must be like.

You are silenced.
You are discredited.
You are shamed.
You are abandoned.
You are used.
You are scorned.

You DON'T have to go back into the lion's den.


This doesn't make you a bad person.

This makes you a healthy person.

You can be free. 

You can escape his snare. 

You can pray for help, 

for clarity and strength.

You can heal. 

And you can LIVE. 

© ~ 2013 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

A Man: His Healthy Qualities

The Relationship = Over

Your relationship has ended and you have now moved into the mourning (or for some of you undoubtedly celebratory) period.

After some time has passed since the relationship dissolved more than likely you've had some time to reflect on what was healthy and what was not.

Yet determining what is UNHEALTHY and what you will not choose again is not being picky. That is okay. That is smart. It's making the decision to form boundaries and set healthy limits for any future relationships. We may at first say yes to little annoyances and endearing quirks but they may be small signs for big deal breakers that will later balloon and affect our daily life in a toxic manner.

Deciding what is healthy versus unhealthy is up to you and your personal preferences. This is not about saying "Oh, he leaves dirty clothes on the floor", or "The way he loads the dish washer really doesn't line up with my way... so he's not an prospective mate". This is not about picking someone apart and nit picking every little thing they do or don't do or that they do things differently than you. What this IS about is choosing a person with healthy qualities versus someone with unhealthy or even toxic qualities. Not everyone will have the same preferences because everyone is different. That's okay.

For me, high maintenance is a deal breaker. For me, it's highly unattractive and unhealthy for a man to come across as needy. It screams of insecurity. Yes, we all have needs. 

But when his needs continually demand (and DEMAND is the word I stress here because it's a form of extremeness) more of us than we can give we have a serious problem. It leads to the one whose demanding needs aren't being met becoming resentful. Always needing more. Never satisfied. It leads to the one who can't meet their unyielding needs to feel an enormous strain and pressure and continually depleted.


Deal breaker.

I want him to feel fulfilled. Through God. Without that constant demanding need from me. That constant tug. That constant pull. That constant pressure. Neediness also often masks itself as control. If they are exhibiting needy behavior they may very likely be controlling which is unhealthy. We have to determine if that's the case. We have to follow our instincts and look at the behaviors… actions of others.

I will not go back to that. 
It made me want to toss the phone out the window most days. 
Almost nothing will chase me off faster and it's on my radar continually.

I will not do anything that remotely resembles high maintenance, control, neediness, insecurity or likewise a man in an egocentric three year old girl's body calling and whining "What about ME?!" We can stand firm in what we choose for ourselves. For me, a confident and secure man in God is a must.

When we are mulling over the relationship and realize what was at best completely dysfunctional and toxic we can make a list of what we desire in a man and future relationship. We can list the things we are searching for, the HEALTHY qualities. Likewise, we can write down what the qualities were that wrecked havoc and dysfunction in the relationship and are our deal breakers.

This gives us something concrete. It helps us in our discernment to choose wiser the next time and choose a closer reflection of what we regard as healthy for ourselves.

Here is a list of qualities I came up with that are important to me but taking time to make your own may offer valuable insight into what you are truly looking for in a man.

1. Reads, studies and applies God's word to his life.

2. Makes God number one.

3. Lives a calm demeanor & has self control. Is respectful to others.

4. Puts family and love before materialism, image, and ego.

5. Is confident & secure. Not needy.

6. Is humble.

7. Mentally Healthy. Does not have any issues that involve control and abuse such as a personality/mood disorder, narcissism, etc. It's okay for you to say "I know this behavior is not healthy for me."

8. Empathy toward others.

9. Does things with love. Does not view his deeds done as debts that must be paid. There are no "deals" made.

10. Is passionate about love and life in general; enthusiastic.

Once you have your list of the positive qualities that are important to you, (the deal breakers may be pretty obvious by then) at that time you can begin to picture his overall character. This should help in keeping your focus tuned into what you truly want so as not to sway on your desires for your life.

As women, we hold infinite power in who we choose to allow into our life that we wish to intimately share with someone. We don't have to be complacent. We can choose to take an active role.

When making a list of Godly attributes we desire in a man, we can pray and ask God to guide us, to give us discernment and insight into what's healthy.

You are loved and you have a path of healthy new beginnings stretched out in front of you....

For I know the plans I have for you, 
declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, 
to give you a future and hope. 
- Jeremiah 29:11

© ~ 2013 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Monday, April 8, 2013

Father's: Shepherding His {Black} Sheep

Father's and Leadership 

Father's have authority over their children just as God does over all of us. Father's, as like God, are not equals to their children and hold a position of leadership over them. However, with that leadership comes the responsibility of leading with loving discipline, not iron clad control.

There is a huge difference between loving leadership & rigid control.

Leadership brings.... love, listening & talking, character,& wisdom, stability, protection, respect and calm strength.

Control brings....rigidity, preaching, condemnation, 
scapegoating, disrespect, detachment and a temper.

Be assured that as a father you hold enormous power for good or bad. Especially in regards to your children. Father's have the ability to receive their children's respect or lose it.

If as a father you lose your child's respect, you risk alienating your child long term or having a relationship with them at arm's length. Because even if they forgive you (which hopefully they will) for whatever the long lasting ramifications are from your estranged relationship they may keep their distance and guard their heart so as not to risk any further hurt induced by you.

There are many ways to lose your child's respect which can range from failing to look out for them, scapegoating them for all the problems that have arisen from your failures in parenting, lying to them,  treating your spouse (their mother) badly and many more.

When father's scapegoat and use one of their children as the "problem" for all the issues in a family they contribute to their child who is the black sheep to have contentious relationships with their siblings. Some level of competitiveness is always there between the healthiest of sibling relationships but when one child is pegged the "black sheep", one child is deemed the favored "golden child" and another is just tolerated with apathy it deeply affects the family dynamics.

If you paint your daughter as a "black sheep", as a father you are walking a very dangerous path. Because when you do this you are not providing for her needs. In fact, you are contributing to setting her up to find someone who WILL meet her needs. Hence the unhealthy cycle continues.

As a father it's crucial you talk with your daughter about God, men, relationships, boundaries, respect, drinking, drugs, sex and limits. Ask her what she sees for her future, ask her what her greatest achievement thus far has been, ask her what she wants to accomplishment one day. All these questions open the door for more in depth conversations so you can develop the bond with her that is so important. Ask her what she sees herself doing career wise one day. Ask her how she would change the world if given the opportunity and what speaks to her heart.

Ask her questions versus just talking AT HER...

There is a huge difference between listening and having a discussion and just preaching at her. Your questions are always appreciated. She wants to be heard. Find out what is going on in her head, what she's thinking about instead of just projecting what you deem right for her and walking away believing your job is done.

Encourage her to use her God-given talents and intelligence to further the world in some beneficial way such as in medicine, science, teaching, art, music, design, etc. Let her know that she is a valuable asset to this world and God can use her to do great things. Yes, she can become a wife and mom, but remind her it's vital for her to be prepared to potentially have a career of her own in the case she doesn't marry or even divorces. Let her know whatever path she may choose, God and yourself are there to guide her and neither of you will ever reject her.

When I left home at seventeen I had for years felt rejected by my father. The rare car rides I had with him during my childhood were filled with awkward silence. Once, I, like my siblings, had reached the age past around five or six, he didn't know what to do with us. The little girl he had chased all over the house on all fours like a bear leaving her shrieking with glee was now a distant stranger. He didn't know what to say, what to talk about or how to interact. It leaves you feeling rejected and questioning whether it's really you. The day I returned home from being gone and walked up to that front door my dad clutched me and hugged me like no tomorrow. His muffled "I love you" was the first one I'd heard since around the age of six. I'll never forget that single "I love you". I erronously believed his lack of love shown reflected God's lacking love for me also. It wasn't until years later I learned he never looked for me. My mother and grandmother contacted the police, drove all over town searching for me, put up fliers at the local high school asking for help, hired a private detective and more. My father was busy working and "couldn't take the time" to join in the search for me. I had left and yet it added insult to injury to know he at the end of the day didn't care. His focus of how I had "embarrassed" him overshadowed any love. It wasn't until after I was back that his control worsened and I was pegged the "black sheep" and the cause for any future issues for years down the road that arose in the family.... despite a professional telling him his behavior was the kick start to any family issues. 

What a father does matters. 

Leading as a father takes faith, love, strength, humility, respect, stability and protection for your children. A child's perception of their father will in turn be whatever their perception of God is. If their perception is less than stellar or even seriously lacking this will no doubt in turn affect their view of what God is like.

Daughters can remind themselves that no matter what their father did or didn't do, no matter how much he may have lacked in his role, God is there to lead you and like a sheep will guide you when you stray. We don't have to question His love, we don't have to accept someone's negative labels. We can know our great value to God, His constant love and that He will always search for us and bring us home.

We are the sheep, the Lord is our Shepherd and His love for us is greater than anyone's.

© ~ 2013 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing! 

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Weakness: When We Ask For Grace, Peace & Healing God Delivers

approx 2005/06

some names have been omitted or changed

this post contains language 


I sat staring at the computer screen upon opening my message inbox. 

There staring back at me… 
a few simple words yet words that were capable of inflicting so much. 

You do people the biggest disservice when you don't open up. 

- Jeremy 

Pain seared my chest like a knife. Never in all my life's previous harrowing moments up to that point had I had such heartache inflicted on me until that moment. Maybe because it was merely a reminder of the pain I had been inflicting upon myself for years on end. Now that single sentence was in my face, inescapable and the pain I had been inflicting upon myself for my past weakness was confirmed that it could only be assumed it had indeed been painful for him too. 

The pain in that moment amplified times a thousand. That sentence reverberated in my head for years. Amplified and grew to enormous proportions. I cursed myself, I cursed God, I cried, I screamed and I wanted to run anywhere to escape that pain that I was consumed by. 

"Damn you!!!" 
I cursed myself and my past weakness in a blur of tears. 

I had already experienced years of regret that I had been weak and not opened up to him, not shared my feelings. But now.... was there meaning behind that sentence he'd sent? Pain? Anger? Regret? Sadness? Disappointment? Unhappiness?

My heart ached for that man... ached for him and any emotions he was enduring. Ached for myself. And for what could have been. Yet I also felt he was placing blame solely on me which wasn't right. I felt tied to him yet felt so incredibly alone, so isolated on this island of despair, this aching pain that wouldn't cease. It plagued me night and day and I mercilessly berated myself. I had known I had screwed up. I hadn't opened up and he had walked away. It took a long time to finally admit to myself that ultimately we were both at fault. He was as guilty as I was at the end of the day. The end of the relationship was unfortunate and unnecessary. And most of all it was heartbreaking. But at the end of the day I needed to give myself some much needed grace. At the end of the day I needed some peace.  

I had known I'd made a mistake years before in not opening up when we'd dated but once the relationship abruptly ended, I later married and I had committed myself to my marriage. I knew I had made a covenant before God and that I was to take it seriously. Although I loved and cared for my husband my regret and unresolved feelings over that lost relationship with Jeremy had overshadowed my marriage… at first I kept it hidden… later admitting I needed help.  I knew I would never step outside my marriage and I wouldn't ever want a man who would step outside his. In fact, knowing that Jeremy had not sought anything from me outside his marriage made me admire him more. The truth was, he may not have had any interest at that point even if he had been single. The other truth was this: 

I knew I had to buckle down and do everything I needed to do to make my marriage successful despite how I felt. I had continually told myself "my feelings don't matter" and I had to "suck it up." 

We may think to ourselves "This is such a mess" but at the end of the day we can tell ourselves this... the answer is simple: I had made marriage vows and I would uphold them. I had children and I wanted my marriage to succeed. I would make the best of it and I truly believed with my husband we would overcome anything that either of us faced. Because at the end of day, I naievely believed whatever we individually faced we also faced as a couple and together we could overcome. 

I began actively praying to God for help. Help with coming to peace with my choice. I finally embraced the pain instead of trying to squash it. Peace with my feelings would eventually come. We can drive ourselves crazy with the internal "What if's?" and "What if I'd done this differently?" 

But we must remind ourselves that these thoughts are not based on truths, merely hypotheticals or fantasy. Reality is... we are where we are. I began praying not only for Jeremy's well being, safety, health, but his marriage as well. I prayed for my own. I found peace and was finally able to let go but it wasn't without complications. My husband was hurt and nothing I could say or do seemed to improve that. I had needed compassion, support, and insight but he eventually pulled away. That was his choice. Drowning in his own hurt and insecurities he had himself .... he then for years had lashed out at me, regularly inflicting further hurt upon me and our bond, driving a bigger wedge between us. 


“Jeremy was an asshole. When are you going to wake up and realize that he made the decision to not see you again? He made his choice.” my husband told me darkly, gripping the steering wheel with clenched fists. 

“Don’t you DARE talk about him like that!” I told him,  “Don’t call him that!”

He turned to look at me from the driver's seat, his face turning crimson red and with sheer fury that I was defending him. 

DAMN YOU!!!!" the words came hurling at me "If he'd loved you, if he had really LOVED you, had wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have RUN AWAY!!! HE GAVE UP!!!! HE GAVE UP ON YOU!!!!! HE GAVE UP ON BOTH OF YOU!!!” he screamed at me, lashing his unbridled anger at me, unable to keep his true thoughts contained any longer, releasing them like a burst balloon when popped, sending them flying like tiny darts. 

"No! Stop it!!!!" I yelled back with tears forming in my eyes, "JUST STOP!!" I wanted to run away from his verbal assault but I was trapped in the moving vehicle and the meanness of his words engulfed the gray interior. 


When the one we married runs away and gives up on us, we don't have to live in despair. 
I wasn't a sinless wife because I'm not a perfect person. 
I married an imperfect man like all other men.

But thank goodness I'm loved by a perfect God. 

He's looked out for me no matter how many bad choices I've made, 
no matter how much grace, peace and healing I need. 

I don't have all the answers but God does. 

When life doesn't happen how 
you thought it would that is perfectly OKAY. 

God will always listen to you when you cry out for help in the throes of regret. I know this pain. This has been by far one of the biggest struggles of my life.  I know the pain of past regret that you swear at times will eat you alive. You think... I shouldn't have married this person. Or you question.... should I have married this one instead? We have to come to the realization that what's done is done. And focus on God. Focus on you. Yes, you will always care for them but love should be sacrificial and selfless and that means it doesn't always have a happy ending. But YOU can have a happy ending. We have to choose to wish the other person well.  More than any fleshly desire to be with them. Jesus paid the price for those who have sinned, those who have stumbled and those who have made the wrong decisions. The best thing you can do to take that first step of healing is give yourself some grace. Beating yourself up does zero good. You may have made the wrong choice, but we all stumble at some point in our lives. God has a plan for your life and no matter what that plan is, we can trust in Him. Peace is a must, because Satan will only delight in keeping you stuck and enjoy watching you beat yourself up and question everything. Peace can be found through God. The best part? 

He never runs away and never gives up

© ~ 2013 

If you are struggling with a similar situation, 
please take heart and know that God is there for you. 

You don't have to walk this alone. 
Other's have been there and we know the difficulties you face. 

Prayer ~ 
Dear Lord, please give me the guidance, comfort and strength needed during this time. Help me receive peace and healing and though I may struggle please keep my walk in line with you and keep me grounded in truths not empty fiction. I know you have great plans for me and you will use this for my good and to reflect more of what you embody, including love for others not selfish expectation. Please forgive me for my sins, stumbles and misguided choices. Bless and bring peace and healing to myself and those whom I have inflicted any pain upon. Amen. 

To My Readers: 

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