Confronting The "Other Woman"

So you've discovered your husband has cheated… or is still cheating.

One of the first things to determine is what are you going to do?

Are you willing to stay?

Or are you already halfway out the door?

It's ultimately your decision and yet in the aftermath of that initial choice you must make…

There comes another decision.



Will you confront the "other woman"? 

I know this can be a common struggle for women who are dealing with the aftermath of a cheating husband… emotions are undeniably running high and rationale is not always present. I have personally been in this situation and looking back now I can say I made the right decision for me. It's still one I feel good about… or at least considering the situation I do.

Betrayal is one if not the absolute worst acts of hurt someone can inflict upon us. It damages us to our very core and makes our loyalty seem worthless in the other person's eyes. In fact, loyalty in the aftermath of being cheated on becomes so incredibly important… so valuable that it seems nothing else matters in this life. For someone to be loyal to us is now the ultimate expression of love… something we didn't have… and no matter how much we may try to put on a strong front or appear jaded… we may deep down yearn for a love than is loyal.


WHEN THE WORST OCCURS…

But what happens when the person who vowed to love you for better or worse has caused worse to occur? What happens when the person they have been intimate with has knowingly or unknowingly contributed to the break up of not just trust between two people but also a marriage?

You may believe the first course of action aside from telling your husband what a dirty rotten scoundrel he is would be to confront his mistress. It may be believed that by confronting her and pouring out your hurts or aiming your anger at her will help. But the truth is… it may truly cause more damage that what has taken place… and actually create bigger issues for you.

Some of the issues you could hypothetically encounter are…


1. If she knows of your existence, she believes every negative thing your husband has told her about you. How can you have a productive conversation when this woman likely believes you're solely at fault for the decline of your marriage? More than likely he's given her some pity poor me story that she's fallen for… in her eyes his terrible behavior is justified.

2. If she doesn't know he's married… she will still be on the defensive when you tell her. She may certainly drop him like a hot potato (hopefully!) but she may also distance herself from the both of you. On some level she may feel guilty for any unknown part she had in this disaster but at the same time she may believe she owes you zero information… ultimately choosing to keep mum and cutting all contact with you both.

3. You may believe that getting all the dirt on his relationship with her will make you feel better… help you heal… but it may not. What if you actually find out details that just serve to make you feel worse? If details should come out they should obviously come from him, not her… it's not her perspective you're desiring… it's his if at all. And in some cases he may not feel the need to share anything with you… he may feel he has zero obligation to. And at the end of the day… it doesn't change the fact he chose to cheat.

4. Will you be able to control yourself? One of the problems people have when they are in the depths of such deep pain like betrayal is they may act out of character in their initial hurt… as rational thought is often abandoned. Later… much later after this storm has passed you will want to be able to look back and say "I handled that well"… you will desire peace and calm… not recalling chaos like something off of Jerry Springer. This is why it's so important to think long term despite current anger… you most likely want to have your integrity intact long after this horrible experience is in your rearview mirror. So if you do reach out to her… think long and hard about what you're going to say. Now is not the time for impulsive action.

5. If you treat her with anger, malice, hostility… you are merely justifying whatever your husband has told her as his excuse for cheating on you. She will recall all the times he cried to her over what a meanie, what a tyrant, what a sex-withholding nagging, grumpity sour puss you are… even if none of that is true… she will recall it and feel united with him in his indifference toward you… they could very well band together to make your life a living hell… especially if you have children. Let's not give him that kind of power… I mean, he's already wielded enough, right?

TO CONFRONT HER… IF AT ALL

So you may be reading this and thinking… okay, I don't want to seek any information from her… I don't even want to confront her really… but I do believe I need to tell her that I'm aware of the situation. You can always choose to take the course of action I did. I simply reached out to her on Facebook with a message of… I'm aware you've been intimate with my husband. I've filed for divorce. You might want to get yourself to a doctor and checked for std's…. I wish you well…



Simple and to the point…  if she didn't already know he was married she does now… she knows she needs to get to the doctor pronto… and you can look back knowing you did the right thing and were a bright light in a dark place… you can walk away knowing you were the calm in the eye of chaos and ugly… you rose above and showed character when you could have been a torrential downpour… and no one would have blamed you for it either… but the peace within when we rise above is worth so much… not only does it give us long lasting inner calm but it also shows her that maybe we just aren't so bad as he's painted us to be… maybe somewhere in that facade he fed her… she sees a glimpse into the fact that everything he said about us was a lie as well…

and yet you offered her the truth on a silver platter

and walked away expecting nothing in return.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

{ begging, yelling, crying over some guy who cheated 

on you is a waste of energy… energy that could be used to 

create a whole new life… remove yourself from 

an equation that only adds chaos and subtracts peace }

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Cheating: 50 Shades Of Lies: 5 Reasons To Not Keep Him

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/cheating-50-shades-of-lies-5-reasons-to.html

You're Getting A Divorce: 10 Tips On How To Tell Your Children

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/youre-getting-divorce-10-tips-on-how-to.html

The Sociopath: The 6 Tricks He Uses

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-sociopath-6-tricks-he-uses.html

Is He A Sociopath? 20 Signs

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/you-may-be-wondering-if-hes-sociopath.html

Your Daughter's Bestie: 5 Signs Of A Great One

The Bestie.

The pinky promises.

The friendship bracelets.

The endless photos.

The shared dress up clothes.

The pajama parties.

The inside jokes.

When your little girl announces she has a best friend you are naturally going to be excited for her. Maybe you reminisce about your first best friend… maybe years later she's still your best friend. There are many wonderful things about having a bestie, no doubt. There are endless pluses to your daughter having a close friend to share special experiences and to make memories with she will fondly look back on one day.

As a mother you want the best for your daughter and that includes friendships that are healthy for her. One great thing about your daughter having a bestie is that she will not only learn so much about her friend but also herself.

The Importance Of Sharing… 
It's important that your daughter and her bestie share the spotlight. They should be able to take turns in allowing each other to shine and one not taking over. It's important they encourage turn taking whether it be at playing games, playing dress up (choosing to be a princess versus wicked witch) or even just alternating playing with the only scooter on a playdate.


The Reality Of Rejection… and Conversation Starters
Keeping your communication open with your daughter about her friendship is so important… it's vital she has a soft place to go to (you) with any issues that rise up that are drama related. Perhaps there is a third girl at school that your daughter's bestie is talking to about her… then she gets wind of it. Or maybe she attempts to play hopscotch with her bestie and a third girl on the school playground… only to be shunned suddenly by her best friend. These types of scenarios teach your daughter that exclusion hurts… very much so and that the golden rule do unto others as you would want them to do unto you still very much applies even today. To feel rejected by her peers is devastating… especially at a young age. If your daughter is repeatedly being rejected by her so called bestie… it may be time for her to re-evaluate her friendship. There might be a conversation needed where you encourage her to think on her own… to prompt her evaluation of the situation. You can begin that process by asking her these questions:


1. How does it make you feel when she does that?
2. Would you do that to someone? 
How would it make you feel knowing you did?
3. What does a best friend look like to you? How does she behave?
4. If a best friend does something mean should she say she's sorry?
5. If she says she's sorry how would you expect her behavior to change?


The Ugliness Of Betrayal… and Importance Of Loyalty
A bestie who talks about your daughter behind her back is not behaving as a best friend should. This is an important opportunity to discuss the meaning of betrayal and let your daughter not only express her feelings about the situation but explore what betrayal by a friend means specifically to her. This is a great time to discuss with your daughter the importance of loyalty… not being two-faced and to set healthy boundaries. It may be good for your daughter to realize that confrontation doesn't have to be a bad thing… she can confront her friend regarding her gossiping, listen to her response and state her feelings. It's important that we teach our daughters that to confront is not mean but instead the route we take doing it is what really matters. It also can be a chance to realize we may go about it wrong but in that we can also try to make things right. Ultimately as moms we can teach our daughters that we don't have to take or put up with just anything thrown our way… we always have a choice… we can choose.


Self Esteem... Up Or Down?
If your daughter's self esteem seems to have taken a nose dive during the course of her friendship… it may be time to look at the words her friend uses. Are they uplifting? Are they kind? Are they encouraging? Is her bestie's behavior dismissive? Hurtful? Excluding? Using? Discouraging? If your daughter is feeling left out, if words are making her feel criticized or self conscious and to turn inward… if she's doing the brunt of the school work on a project they are supposed to do jointly… if she's showing anxiety about going to school or withdrawing socially… it may be time to take a long hard look at her friendship.


Encouragement and Love… 
When we encourage our daughters to be brave… to ask for what they need in relationships… to state what they expect… to draw the line at behaviors that should not continue… when we model healthy boundaries ourselves and remind her that God doesn't expect her to be a doormat… He doesn't expect her to roll over and be treated poorly… that it is permissible and even okay(!) for her to learn to stand up for herself in a calm respectful manner… then we know as moms we have reminded her that she is worthy, she is dearly loved for who she is… and most of all by God.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

5 Signs She's A Great Bestie: 

1. She loves you for you 

2. She believes in you

3. She treats others with kindness 

4. She gives not just takes

5. She is trustworthy

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. 

It has no survival value; 

rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.

-  C. S. Lewis

To "like" Grace Power Strength on Facebook click the link below:

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To My Readers; 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours: Love & Empathy 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/break-my-heart-for-what-breaks-yours.html

Standing On A Road She Didn't Plan: A Single Mom Dating 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/standing-on-road-she-didnt-plan-single.html

Women: Proverbs 31 Or Sexy Hot? 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/women-proverbs-31-or-sexy-hot.html

Cheating: 50 Shades Of Lies ~ 5 Reasons To Not Keep Him

October  2012 

 names have been omitted in this post 

this post contains some language

****************

He was suddenly going on early morning jogs... that wasn't like him. At six nearly every morning now he'd throw on black running shorts and a t-shirt, bolting out of the bedroom, down the stairs and out into the inky blackness that was still blanketing the city. 

Each morning I had drowsily fallen back asleep until it was absolutely necessary to get up, clamber downstairs and hustle the children out of bed to begin getting everyone ready for school. I wasn't by definition a morning person and the snooze button knew it... but that morning, that particular morning it would be different… when he woke I pretended to be asleep, then sprang to action as soon as I heard the door downstairs shut behind him. My suspicions had been growing and now curiosity had won. 

Going to the computer and turning it on cast a bright light in the dark room that quickly brought me from my drowsy state to alert. I maximized the pages that were minimized and began searching with quick eyes for any information that looked dubious…. but I didn't have to search, as everything I needed was right there, seemingly waiting to be found, not hidden at all. Instant messages detailed the woman he was seeing in online exchanges with his best friend. The responses being that his happiness should come first... nowhere was there anyone batting an eye that he was cheating on me. Nowhere was there outrage, upset or someone pointing the finger at him saying "Get it together!" or "I'm going to tell her if you don't." 

Nothing but accolades and justification all in the name of pursuing happiness… and how incredibly dumb women are. Oh really? I thought… we will see about that. I quickly began snapping screen shot photos of all the messages with my iPhone... scrolling... scrolling... scrolling some more…click, click, click. My heart meanwhile beat ninety to nothing in my chest with frantic speed as I continued to capture all the evidence I needed and more. Maximizing his email that was readily available I began photographing any messages that looked suspect. I realized I was shaking like a leaf and had to steady my iPhone to retake a few that had turned out blurred. I'd take the time to pour over the emails later in detail that I had captured. 

A photo of the woman he'd been with was there... she could have been my younger sister. We literally looked nearly identical. Hauntingly identical. She wore clothes I would have worn... she had similar body language... it was undeniably creepy yet I didn't have anger toward her… his behavior was solely the issue at hand. 

I quickly began putting everything back where it was... then taking photos of all of his credit cards front and back and all other personal information of his I could find for the attorneys office that I knew they would need... then I shoved everything back in place with shaky fingers as I'd found it. 

Jumping back in bed with a thumping heart, I laid there on my side of the King sized bed within the charcoal gray sheets wrapped up, in my cozy plaid pajama pants and top, waiting for him to return. Just a couple minutes later I heard his footsteps enter downstairs, the beep beep of the alarm as the door opened and shut…  and then listened as he began climbing up the creaky staircase. He didn't bother coming in the bedroom but instead continued down the hall to the bathroom. Light poured down the hallway from it and I heard him turn on the shower to let the water heat up momentarily. 

I rose from bed and walked down the hall into the bright spacious master bath where he stood at his separate brown, black and gold speckled granite counter and porcelain sink. Seeing me he turned with surprise and I smiled brightly at him "Did you have a good run?" I asked him... not being able to resist asking him... 

He didn't bat an eye when he responded, "Yea! It was great." He replied then observed... "You're up early." 

"That's great!" I returned with a smirk, ignoring the latter... you sorry piece of shit... I added silently to myself as I walked out of the room. 

I Am Done 

Time passed and he continually put his foot in his mouth, 

the shady behavior continued, 

the lies now so glaringly obvious, how could 

they have ever been missed… 

it should have been funny yet it wasn't. 

Sitting in my attorneys office one day my attorney sat back in his large leather chair gazing at me appraisingly…  "So you haven't talked to him?" He asked thoughtfully "Are you sure you want to do this? File?" He asked. 

I calmly looked at him and nodded "I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

 I told him with absolute certainty. 

*******************

"I don't know how you kept yourself under control… how did you keep from saying anything to him?" my friend asked me during breakfast one morning… "No way I could have done that… I would have confronted him the moment he walked in." she told me.

"At the end of the day… for me, there was nothing to discuss. This wasn't a one time incident which would have been bad enough… this was an ongoing choice he continued to make over a period of time. He knew what he was doing. He'd made his choice over and over again choosing to have his cake and eat it too. I made the final choice for myself and ultimately for him. If he didn't like it, tough." I shrugged "Don't put a person in the position to make that choice. Don't cheat."

Everyone has to approach dealing with a cheating spouse in the way they feel is best for them and everyone has different tolerance levels for what they are willing to put up with and what they will refuse to accept at all. It's a personal decision and varies from person to person but here are five top valid reasons to consider if you've been cheated on: 

5 Valid Reasons To Not Keep Him:

1. Most of the time he will not change. You can't change him. He has to want to of his own accord.
2. Staying with him models acceptance of an unhealthy marriage for your children.
3. Peace of Mind… who wants to worry about contracting a sexually transmitted disease all the time?
4. We often have the mental narrative of "I'm not giving up on us. I won't quit!" But is this HIS mindset also? Or are you the only one with that mentality?
5. Worry-free without him. You won't be worrying if he's lying to you, not where he's supposed to be and if he's cheating again.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

CHEATING IS JUST ONE

 OF MANY FORMS OF 

DISRESPECT 

BY A SPOUSE

#GIRLS  #Ladies #TrustYourInstincts

All those times you were worried for him, prayed for him, 

loved him, took care of him, 

was a blessing to him, 

cheered him on… 

he was filled 

with contempt for you… 

because he needed 

you for narcissistic supply 

and fulfillment and yet 

at the same time 

he resented you for it. 

It's pretty straight forward, really… 

if a person decides to betray you, 

you then have every right to not give 

them the benefit of the doubt, 

to not engage in a circle of excuses…

but instead to make the best decision 

for yourself. 

Walk off to a new beginning,

a fresh start and 

leave the craziness behind. 

If you choose divorce... 

God will help you to the other side 

and life will be that much 

sweeter and peaceful  

without the toxic chaos you lived. 

At the end of the day, 

after all the hurt and healing, 

you really did me a favor... Thanks!

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts:

Wives: 3 Lies We Tell Ourselves & 5 Signs A Marriage Needs Help
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/01/wives-lies-we-tell-ourselves-5-signs.html


Cheating: Off The Narrow Path Step By Step
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/cheating-off-narrow-path-step-by-step.html


Projection & Signs Of A Cheating Spouse
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/09/projection-and-signs-of-cheating-spouse.html

Wives: 3 Lies We Tell Ourselves & 5 Signs A Marriage Needs Help

Parked in my driveway I sat behind the wheel in the driver's seat of my car… and waited… watching in the rear view mirror I saw the black four door sedan continue sitting, parked on the street in front of my house. With it's windows completely blackened out and not able to see whom was in it… my heart sank… I was pretty certain I knew what this was about… and thought back to the incident a few weeks before…


We had just had Christmas… it was only days past the twenty fifth of December…not yet the new year...  when upon checking the mail I discovered a thick white envelope and seeing the return address was from the IRS my stomach turned like it was suddenly sour… instinctively I knew something wasn't right and with quick hands tore open the top of the envelope. Inside I was filled with dread as I began reading… numbers jumped at me… how much we owed… how unbeknownst to me he hadn't paid the taxes… in years… I saw double digit numbers adorned with zeros jump at me… in shock, all the penalties that were adding up day by day, hour by hour, minute by passing minute.

Questions 

and 

Fears 

loomed 

ahead… 

How would we ever pay this much money back?

Why did he let this happen?

How could he?!

What was he thinking?!

Why didn't he say something?

Would we lose our house?

I waited and the sedan wouldn't budge… finally I sighed with resignation, putting the clutch in reverse, slowly backing down the driveway and passing the black sedan… only to spot it, sure enough, with sharp eyes focused on it in my mirror, the sedan pulling away from the curb as soon as I passed... it tailing me down the street. Making the turn out of our community and onto the main thoroughfare, I headed toward the grocery store weaving my way through foggy morning traffic. Upon pulling into the grocery store parking lot and into a parking space, I watched as the sedan pulled in two spaces down facing me on the opposite row. The man in the sedan sat, waiting me out, with dark sunglasses on. It happened in a flash, me exiting the vehicle in my coat wearing the collar popped up and him springing out to photograph me as I quickly tried to turn my head and the wind whipped, partially hiding my face as I strode away from the car toward the store.

***********

We sold our house and lost money on it… the anger, the hurt, the betrayal felt toward him in my marriage was there as well as embarassment. I crossed the yard for the last time and watched the moving truck pull away… headed toward the dismal rental we would call home for a few years. I had naively believed: "he screwed up… we just have to make it past this hurdle… this one hurdle… and then it will be okay again… we will be paying this off for a few years and get back on our feet… but he will learn his lesson"…


In a few short years with plenty of sacrifice we would get back on our feet financially… far better than before… but "lessons learned" and "no more hurdles" were just lies whispered in the wind.

THE LIES WE TELL OURSELVES.

I had no idea how many more "screw ups" there would be to come over the years…


Marriage brings two imperfect people into a union… two imperfect people who undoubtedly also contribute challenges to the mix... of sharing a bathroom, paying off a mortgage, raising kids and meddling in-laws. There are the dirty clothes left on the floor, the whiskers in the sink that make you want to gag, the cookie crumbs on the counter alongside empty wrappers. If those were the worst challenges to cope with, to give grace and attempt to find solutions to… maybe it wouldn't be so "challenging".

But when a spouse continually shows you signs of what resembles teenage irresponsibility, downright criminal behavior joined with lies… when the "screw up's" just continue and never seem to stop… to just crop up again and again each time after the dust has just settled from the last incident…

You may begin to feel like you're riding a roller coaster of emotional havoc and unpredictability. It's bad enough to have your spouse feeding you lies and excuses on a silver spoon with a smile… but what's worse? The lies (excuses) you begin telling yourself. You may tell yourself…


He's really sorry, he has apologized. I have to believe that he's truly sorry... afterall, he's my husband. 

(Only problem is... this keeps happening. If he's a sociopath he's likely not done using you/gaining narcissistic supply, which would be the only reason he would ever apologize, due to needing more time to fulfill his goals, because sociopath's don't ever say "I'm sorry"). 


He really screwed up, but he's also going to learn his lesson… this won't happen again...

(Hopefully!... Right?!)


Were just going through a tough time right now… but it will pass and get better. 

(I mean, everyone has problems now and then, right?)


No, no, no…. this isn't about how he's typically late or how he can't stand a certain food you love, or gee, why can he not seem to remember where you keep the spatulas in the kitchen. This is about behavior that involves hiding information, withholding, lying, editing, or whatever you will call it… this is big stuff, this is behavior that puts your finances at risk, your family at risk, your future at risk, this is behavior that also leads to the same destructive path as cheating, to affairs, to a secret life behind closed doors you know nothing about… this is about an individual who lives with an indifferent chip on his shoulder toward others in society, who idolizes ego, status and image, who does what he wants, who does not care for his fellow man, who owes no one the truth and eventually has a chip on his shoulder toward you.. and who lives in a world that in his mind you will never be a party to because he doesn't share any more inner thoughts with you than his favorite cheese, his most admired mentor or his dvd collection. Getting in his mind and knowing what he's thinking is comparable to pulling nails from a stud only to find it's not possible. Figuring out why he continues to pull these inconceivable stunts and "screw ups" escapes you and leaves you scratching your head as they stack up one after another like wrecked cars on a dusty road.


As each incident piles up in your rearview mirror you think each time: "This is ridiculous!… again? He screwed up AGAIN?!" 

You stay 

because 

he's. that. good. 

He manages to wiggle his way back into your heart and you see all the good things he is doing and it's so much easier to just paint a pretty picture, tell yourself a lie, swallow the ones he feeds you… a picture of lovely fantasy that he is more than willing to help construct… where everything is fuzzy, rosy wonderfulness and combined with his way of explaining it all away… as if it's perfectly normal for everyone to have these life altering incidents continually pop up in life like an ugly jack in the box… he snows you and you buy the ticket to another subscription… another chapter, another year, another five years and however many "incidents" and "screw ups" along the broken way... like a busted street hitting the potholes that he promised would be fixed… or maybe they are fixed, just enough…. just a few feet ahead… like a mirage it glimmers ahead all shiny and new… only much to your dismay for you to get a little further up the street to see the gaping potholes once again.

It's time to put on the brakes, remove our sunglasses and take a good look at the street were on.

Signs Of A Marriage In Need Of Help Despite The Lies We Tell Ourselves:

1. You both no longer share the same concerns. If you have an issue with something, let's say your finances, taxes, budget, etc and how their spent or handled... or perhaps your health has taken a recent nose dive and you're seeing doctor after doctor trying to get a diagnosis. If he's not concerned about the finances or for you and your well being... those are both big issues that need to be addressed. If he's acting like your valid concerns over the finances or your health are anything but valid but more like just your problem... then yeah, you have a huge problem. With him. As a couple, you should both be invested in issues that crop up as partners; together, ready to take on anything as a team and see the other spouses concerns as a concern for you both. If you feel alone in your marriage, it's time for a good hard look at the big picture. It's often so easy for us to get caught up in the day to day activities of life, especially as women multitasking.... caring for our children, homemaking, cooking, errands, work, that often conquering merely another week at most is preferable over seeing what lies ahead further down the road.

2. He's pulling away and his behavior is distant... unlike how he used to be. He could be emotionally and physically distancing himself because he's cheating... if he's mentally caught up in another relationship much of his energy will be dedicated to that and he may seem not as involved, as immersed in family life and connected to you. If he's suddenly seeing friends for lunch or going to the movies alone or traveling more for work... even working overtime these are red flags that something may not be right.


3. If you aren't both working toward a common goal; a healthy marriage and open communication. Then your marriage is on rocky terrain. It's time to get back to basics in communicating and problem solving. It might be a good idea to make a list of things you can talk to your spouse about… positive topics. Then make a list of topics you have difficulty sharing with him or that seem to be a continual source of friction. Mentally rate your marriage on a scale of one to ten… one being the lowest score and ten being the (best) highest score. Do you think your spouse would agree with you or would his score be lower or higher? Set some time aside for you to both discuss how you feel and share your lists... it may confirm that marital counseling is needed.


4. A lack of intimacy in the relationship. This is always a red flag and if one spouse is pulling away it could indicate a lack of trust in the other person on their part. If he's consistently not home when he says he will be, if he is continually pulling irresponsible stunts that jeopardize the family, if he's condescending toward his wife, abusive, even neglectful… it will show up in the bedroom. If he's checking out the single women in the waiting room of his pregnant wife's ob/gyn doctor's office or anywhere else… there's a problem and disrespect is just one of them. If a man is treating his wife right outside the bedroom it will be reflected behind the bedroom door.


5. If your spouse has become the enemy. If your spouse has become someone you now view as on the "other side"… as an individual to do battle with, to "deal with", endure, tolerate, etc… this is not what the picture of a marital relationship should be. If you believe you are no longer working as a team, a united partnership… then that deters communication and intimacy. It's time to reflect on what brought you to this place and what resentments have been allowed to set in. If incidents of irresponsibility continue to crop up by one spouse it's not the job of the other spouse to play parent and continue to "fix" it, come to the rescue or slap a bandaid on the situation... it's time to seek help from a trusted Pastor or therapist. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting & sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Is He A Sociopath? - 20 Signs  

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/you-may-be-wondering-if-hes-sociopath.html

Cheating: Off The Narrow Path Step By Step

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/cheating-off-narrow-path-step-by-step.html

The Power Of A Man: What He Does Matters 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/06/the-power-of-man-what-he-does-matters.html

Divorce: 6 Practical Tips For Healing

2012-2013

names have been omitted or changed in this post 

this post contains language 

****************

"I would just like us to reach a point where we can be friends... you know, I'd really like to be friends and maybe go to dinner occasionally with the kids. I don't see why we can't do that." He told me very casually, sitting beside me. 

My body language was one of distance as I shrank back away from him sitting beside me and I hugged the left side of my hard backed plastic chair attempting to put some space between us to my right. 

"Friends?! Friends with you?!" I exclaimed.... no longer willing to hold back any more as this had been a continual issue cropping up for months.

"You want to be friends?! You don't treat a friend the way you've treated me and our kids! You don't treat a friend the way you have destroyed our whole family!" I snapped at him gaining momentum to continue.... 

"You ran around on me with multiple women, you now add insult to injury by being so insensitive toward the children as you now have a girlfriend you are telling the kids about and having in the house, you traveled all over the country for "work trips" all the while I was at home doing EVERYTHING while you were NEVER around, you were always gone, you always had "to work", you missed all the doctor appointments the kids had and then suddenly we were getting a divorce and you swoop in and act like some star parent like you are involved and now attend all the appointments when all you've previously been is an absentee dad and a sperm donor... the kids themselves cry you've ruined their lives... not to mention the fact you've put my physical health at risk because you were selfish and caused me to have to go get a full std panel done! Yes, yes, that makes a woman really happy to have to go do that.... and then you want to whine to everyone about how I'm so mean because I can't be your "friend" and go to dinner as a family and how I must be turning the children against you because they vocalize they don't want to be at your house... No, no and no.... You did this. This was all your choice. This is all you... so don't try to continue this innocent facade you've continually tried to paint the past nine months of this process like you are "super dad" because in reality you have decided to continually act like a sorry, sorry sack of shit! And then you want to know why I'm angry and don't want to be friends?"

"Ahem.... Ummmm..." our son's psychiatrist interjected with a clearing of his throat, slicing the tension in the air of his office. He looked at me and spoke empathetically, "I'm glad you got this out and said what you needed to... " he acknowledged understandingly to me, then turned to my estranged spouse with a wary look... 

"Look..." he began... "Let me say something and this is very, very important what I'm about to tell you... " he paused taking a deep breath... "Do not... Do not ever, ever, ever tell her ever again you want to be friends. Is that clear? Because you may be fine with everything and in a good place but she is dealing with raw emotions and hurting and also hurting for the kids too... You two being friends.... not a good idea, okay? The expectations are too high. No dinners, either. You both need space and time apart. And any communication would best be done by email not phone, text or in person. This relationship needs to be kept strictly professional. Maybe you can have a binder of information you pass back and forth on exchange day.... does that make sense to you? Because we really need to get some distance between you two." he affirmed once again, shooting me a quick look of sympathy as my lower lip began to quiver and I silently cursed it to stop so the tears wouldn't begin.

                       *************

When we use ugly, accusing, attacking words, it's a sign we are not just angry but truly hurt. We are suffering in a deep quagmire of hurts, injustices and disappointments. We may not just be feeling our own hurts but the hurts of those around us.... especially any hurts our children are experiencing which as a mother are always felt ten fold to our own pain and grief. 

It might take months or years to heal from the pain of divorce. For even if you were in a less than great marriage or one that smacked of abuse, you can rest assured it's completely normal to be upset, sad, hurt, disappointed and angry... the reason for this being because we are grieving "what should have been" and what we wished for our marriage and children. Naturally no one marries  planning to get divorced. 

Practical Tips For Healing: 

1. Just grieve. Trying to stuff the grief, anger and pain down will only serve to stall healing. It's important to allow yourself to feel the emotions of anger and sadness so you can eventually reach the goal of healing and forgiveness. Some people take longer than others to heal from the pain of divorce and each person is unique in their grief. 

2. Explore what it is that is possibly holding you back in the healing process. If you had a spouse who refused to acknowledge that what they've done has been detrimental to the family then it's understandably frustrating and infuriating... if you've felt there has been a lack of closure due to one spouses inability or unwillingness to discuss the dissolution of the marriage, the healing process may very well take longer. If you are expecting an apology in order to move on that you never get.... it may be about accepting the fact you may never recieve what you are desiring. Exploring the reasons why we may be stalled in the stage of anger may be greatly beneficial to us.

3. If you were unaware your spouse was cheating during the marriage, once you find out it may be comparable to being hit by a Mack truck... despite any existing marital issues perhaps you didn't see a betrayal coming and with that we may find ourselves reeling from shock while our spouse has already moved on because they've started their new life within the marriage some time ago... it was just you who didn't get the memo. When this happens the grief may feel one sided. It's understandable to feel insult to injury when our hurts may feel overwhelmingly in our face yet the other person appears to be sailing through their new life largely unaffected. This may compound our hurt but also know that this doesn't necessarily mean the other person is 100% healed... they may be squashing and stuffing feelings that will come back later with a vengeance.Try not to focus on where you believe the other person is in their healing process as it will serve no positive purpose.

4. Some people may want to have a post divorce friendship with their ex and others may have zero contact... the choices have a wide spectrum and you have to decide for yourself what is best for you and your personal situation. If there has been physical or emotional abuse in the marriage then it may be best to keep contact to zero. Utilizing email, a binder or www.ourfamilywizard may be beneficial to keeping the lines of communication open regarding any children but no more than needed. It's up to you what type of relationship you are willing or comfortable in having with your ex. People may believe you are not making the right choice but it's your life and your decision and only you know the intricacies of your unique position. At exchanges of the children, soccer games, school plays etc, keeping conversation minimal and polite is always a good rule of thumb no matter how much animosity you may still currently feel for the other person. 

5. When there are children involved you may occasionally feel placed in the middle. If your son or daughter is calling you crying that "Daddy is being mean  and yelling at me.... come pick me up" and/or your ex is talking to them about their dating life, it's going to pull you in and there will be decisions that have to be made of how to react. A good rule of thumb is to tell your children "I'm sorry you are upset and I see that's really frustrating you. But... you are at Daddy's and I am not able to pick you up. This is something you need to try to talk to Daddy about, tell him how you feel" or "I'm hearing from you it hurts your feelings that he's dating someone. Have you told him how you feel about it?" By encouraging your children to use their speech and express themselves in a healthy manner but also being a soft spot for them to go to from a distance when they are on the other parents turf is a win win for everyone involved. 

6. Whatever personal issues your ex and you have between you can be eased when each parent is stepping up and being the parent the children need them to be. If one parent is lacking skills and makes a concerted effort to improve and makes wise decisions in not flaunting their dating life in front of the children too soon after the divorce is final when wounds are still fresh... not only do the children benefit from that but the other spouse does also. Because when a mother can see that the father of her children is making good decisions to not inflict further pain upon the kids it does something positive.... it allows her to see him in at least some positive light. At that time she can at say to herself "Okay, he and I may have all this mess between us but at least he IS being a wonderful dad!" This does so much to benefit not just the children but mom's healing because she knows the children are being well cared for and loved. That may very well be the stepping stone she needs to move into a better place and heal. 

Divorce is hard. It's always a mess of muddied emotions and each person's situation is unique and their own. Being friends may not be possible and setting the bar too high may certainly place unrealistic expectations upon us and unnecessary pressure. Post divorce it's not a written rule that friendship is a must or even a preferable goal for exes. What is the goal for divorced parents in particular is one of just being polite as we would any stranger or acquaintance we occasionally see. Keeping things polite and professional will go a long way ininstilling  healthy boundaries needed in the post divorce relationship. Being too chummy with our ex may send a mixed message to our children who may think if we are able to be so friendly with one another why did we divorce to begin with? The other extreme in delivering regular doses of bashing in front of the children to our ex which will not only create further strife but land you in court. 

Taking healing one day at a time and placing whatever amount is nescessary of distance between you and your ex will go a long way in getting yourself to a healthy place. We can meditate and pray for God to intervene and help us in the process, having faith we will make it through... but only after acknowledging to Him our hurts and sinful actions or words we've inflicted too. When we do this we open the door to that first step and can find sweet victory in that very act.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013

                      To My Readers: 

                        Thank you for reading, 

                         commenting

                         and sharing! 

Finding Comfort In The Divorce Process

It had been an incredibly long day of interviews, appointments and errands.... and it now unfortunately also included sore callused feet, clothes that pinched and pulled, black heeled shoes that needed to be kicked off, a hungry irritable stomach and a mildly throbbing headache at my temples.



Ugh... 

The shoes were kicked off...

The callused feet massaged and soaked in bath salts...

The headache treated with the popping of an Advil...

The uncomfortable clothes were replaced with comfy grey pajamas...



I walked into the dark kitchen and opened the stainless steel refrigerator, the light from within revealing it's highlighted contents of a family size package of fried chicken, potato salad, green beans and chocolate pudding cups alongside a tub of cool whip. Reaching in, I hauled the family sized pack of fried chicken to the counter where I grabbed a plate from an upper cabinet and began the process of piling chicken legs onto it... then nearby on the speckled granite countertop I spied a clear plastic package of plain donuts drizzled in glaze.



I stuck the package of the remaining chicken back in the fridge and began prying open the plastic package of glazed donuts. Setting three donuts on the plate alongside the chicken legs, I then headed downstairs to the den where I promptly set up on the couch with my plate piled high, plenty of napkins and a glass of ice water. Covering up in a cozy blanket, I picked up the remote, aiming it at the blackened screen, ready to watch the Bachelorette.



Comfort

Sometimes we need a little comfort. Depending on our changing circumstances we may even need more than a little. Maybe we require a lot. There is nothing wrong with finding comfort in the little things in life, like soft sweaters, buttery mashed potatoes, blankets, warm cocoa, coffee, chocolate cake, well worn pajamas, bubble baths, a favorite movie, journaling, the warmth of our bed, etc. These are all wonderful things that God gave us and we can enjoy. But we want to make sure the comforts of the world aren't replacing our greatest comforter.... God.



When we are in need of comfort we can ask ourselves... 

What are we turning to for comfort but also who are we turning to for that comfort we so desire? One of God's great promises for us is comfort along with peace. We may find comfort in fried chicken, donuts and a soft blanket curled up.... but we can also always find comfort in God's word... reading it, meditating on it and praying.


We don't have to fear that God will make us go it alone in life... He is there and always ready to lend His hand, to wipe our tears, to share His shoulder. He is forever faithful and ever-lasting unlike the worldly comforts of fried chicken and donuts that are fleetingly filling and then leave us empty once again.


We may in the midst of life changes such as divorce feel an emptiness around us... after all, one side of the bed is empty, one closet is empty, one place setting at the table is empty... but God's presence is still there... He has not left you for a moment. He is right there beside you and although divorce saddens Him and He hates divorce... God doesn't hate you. He hates what it does to two people who were joined in a covenant before him, who had lovely expectations and hopes at one time that have now been infinitely altered. He hates the pain, the anguish, the disappointment, the tears, the breaking up of a family and the sin that brought it to that state.



Ex spouse vs God: seeking comfort... 

We can't expect our soon to be ex spouse to provide the comfort we need during the course of a divorce. In a healthy marriage, we are able to seek and feel the comfort we desire from our spouse because it's a healthy union with two people selflessly loving each other. With every marriage there will be hurts however unintentional along the way. But, in a case of divorce, it's already been established the union as it is IS unhealthy, comfort is not attainable, it may be one-sided or requires lengthy intensive therapy to get it where it would need to thrive if it ever would. We don't have to worry about God abandoning us and not giving us the comfort we seek from Him... He is always ready to comfort us, to selflessly love us with unconditional care and compassion.



Affirmation: comforting words from others... 

There is some comfort to be found in knowing other's have survived divorce. When we learn of other's who have endured the often lengthy trials of divorce and the wide range of emotions that go with it... it gives each of us an additional glimmer of hope. We can take comfort in knowing God led them too through the darkness to the other side where light and a renewed self stands in strength and victory. Divorce changes us and may very well shape us to become even more compassionate toward others who later go through the same experiences.... we can nod and affirm their feelings... and confirm that God will see them through just as He did for us!



The process: take your time... 

We can't hurry the process of healing from divorce overnight. There is unfortunately no "quick fix", bandaid or magic pill to swallow. Many well intentioned friends may try to advise us to "rise above", "cheer up" or "get out of the pit" etc. But it takes time to go through the healing process and we may need comfort over well meaning instruction on how to feel or grieve. Naturally if anyone is tired of feeling the way you do... it's you and having someone dictate how you should feel and process your emotions including a time line to do it in is certainly not helpful. Having the freedom to grieve in your own way and time frame is essential to seeing the process through and not getting stuck.



You're of great value: don't blame yourself... 

If your divorce stemmed from a betrayal and you now feel rejected... take heart in knowing that without a doubt it is no reflection on you. Just because you have not been a "perfect" spouse, (surprise! there is no perfect spouse) ...  just because you were occasionally cranky or didn't make his favorite dinner more often, etc doesn't mean he had any right to cheat on you. A spouse being "unhappy" in their marriage does not give them the green light to cheat. Someone choosing to betray you... that is not a "mistake". A "mistake" is a mathematical error. A betrayal on the other hand is a conscious decision to make a negative sinful choice and to lie. A person cannot cheat without also lying. The two acts go hand in hand. To cheat one must lie regarding their whereabouts, their activities, their loyalty and love for you. You are a valuable, worthy person that God loves and cares for... He sees your pain and is right there to comfort you and help you in working through your anger. The good news is... your anger can actually fuel you forward, to motivate you to push yourself to new outward limits whether it be personal goals like fitness, your career, your passions, etc... your anger can be a positive thing to help propel you into your new life!




God: walk boldly with Him...

We can walk boldly in life knowing God is there beside us ready to give us comfort during our trials and that no amount of fried chicken or glazed donuts will ever come close to replacing that. Thank goodness we can look for a greater comfort from the Lord above... that He is always ready with a comforting love so fulfilling we must use our napkin to blot our eyes in eternal thankfulness.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading,

 commenting and sharing! 

Love & Divorce: What I Will Never Tell My Children

Love, Children & Divorce

I sat curled up on the leather couch with a cream blanket dressed in plaid ruffled boxers and an oversized soft gray sweatshirt eating a bag of m&ms... it was a friday night and after a long day of job hunting and house hunting I was exhausted and in need of some downtime. Outside the bank of windows to my left, lightning flashed and thunder rumbled off in the distance announcing a thunderstorm was soon approaching. It was the perfect night to watch a movie and the flat screen flashed at me from across the darkened room. The movie Sleeping With The Enemy played on the screen and watching it reminded me of how often we erroneously believe that love includes hurt.


In the movie Laura Water's played by Julia Roberts is married to a man with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, who not only exhibits OCD, but control and physical abuse toward her. She endures his abuse for three years and slowly makes plans to escape his wrath. During the course of their marriage he abuses her yet professes his love for her.... which is in complete contrast to one another.

Love doesn't include abuse…. 

and abuse doesn't include love. 

Imagine if the story had been slightly different and the couple had had children... if she had fled with her children at some point she would have had to talk with them about why they left... how what they had lived was not healthy. In discussing the unhealthiness of what they had lived and how they had been treated she most certainly would not have followed it with "But... your dad loves you."


That would be wrong. 


How can our children realize that what has been done to them, how they were treated or what they have witnessed being done to themselves or to their mother is not right and yet then as adults we then tell them "But your dad loves you"? In telling them that their dad loves them we are also telling them that love includes...

Physical Abuse

Emotional Abuse

Aggression

Sexual Abuse 

Abandonment 

Insidious Toxicity 

Control 

Infidelity 

This is why I won't ever tell my children... 

"Your dad loves you." 

I don't want my children to grow up believing that treating someone with disrespect, with control, with arrogance, with a Narcissistic ego, emotional abuse, with betrayal, with toxicity that is so insidious no one unless they've lived it sees him for what he really is... that in all that comes love too.


Because that is a lie. 
It couldn't be any further from the truth. 



The truth is ~ 


My children will hear him say "I love you" time and time again to them over the course of many years and yet his actions will not match up. They will see for themselves in not only how they are treated but how he continues to treat me that his actions do not match his words.



And then they will see the contrast. 

That those things he does. 

Are not a reflection of love. 

But instead everything that love isn't. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting & sharing!