Saturday, June 8, 2013

Love & Divorce: What I Will Never Tell My Children

Love, Children & Divorce

I sat curled up on the leather couch with a cream blanket dressed in plaid ruffled boxers and an oversized soft gray sweatshirt eating a bag of m&ms... it was a friday night and after a long day of job hunting and house hunting I was exhausted and in need of some downtime. Outside the bank of windows to my left, lightning flashed and thunder rumbled off in the distance announcing a thunderstorm was soon approaching. It was the perfect night to watch a movie and the flat screen flashed at me from across the darkened room. The movie Sleeping With The Enemy played on the screen and watching it reminded me of how often we erroneously believe that love includes hurt.

In the movie Laura Water's played by Julia Roberts is married to a man with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, who not only exhibits OCD, but control and physical abuse toward her. She endures his abuse for three years and slowly makes plans to escape his wrath. During the course of their marriage he abuses her yet professes his love for her.... which is in complete contrast to one another.

Love doesn't include abuse…. 

and abuse doesn't include love. 

Imagine if the story had been slightly different and the couple had had children... if she had fled with her children at some point she would have had to talk with them about why they left... how what they had lived was not healthy. In discussing the unhealthiness of what they had lived and how they had been treated she most certainly would not have followed it with "But... your dad loves you."

That would be wrong. 

How can our children realize that what has been done to them, how they were treated or what they have witnessed being done to themselves or to their mother is not right and yet then as adults we then tell them "But your dad loves you"? In telling them that their dad loves them we are also telling them that love includes...

Physical Abuse

Emotional Abuse


Sexual Abuse 


Insidious Toxicity 



This is why I won't ever tell my children... 

"Your dad loves you." 

I don't want my children to grow up believing that treating someone with disrespect, with control, with arrogance, with a Narcissistic ego, emotional abuse, with betrayal, with toxicity that is so insidious no one unless they've lived it sees him for what he really is... that in all that comes love too.

Because that is a lie. 
It couldn't be any further from the truth. 

The truth is ~ 

My children will hear him say "I love you" time and time again to them over the course of many years and yet his actions will not match up. They will see for themselves in not only how they are treated but how he continues to treat me that his actions do not match his words.

And then they will see the contrast. 

That those things he does. 

Are not a reflection of love. 

But instead everything that love isn't. 

© ~ 2013

To My Readers: 
Thank you for reading, 
commenting & sharing! 


  1. I feel sorry for you and I hope for your sake and your children's sake that you can get the help to move past your pain, anger and bitterness. Perhaps verbalizing your feelings to a therapist would be preferable rather than posting intimate family details on the internet. One day your children might resent your airing of dirty laundry about their father in such a public fashion, regardless of whether he is a narcissistic sociopath that you say he is. I pray that you will find peace and comfort through Jesus.

    1. Catherine, thanks for your concern. You're certainly entitled to your opinion. I was given the advice in this blog post by a seasoned therapist who has treated both children and adults in abusive relationships and I concur with her advice. A lot of women can be helped who are finding their way in the aftermath of the destruction of being married to someone abusive and sitting by silent doesn't help anyone... my hope would be my children will see that.

  2. Women can be narcissists too. A good friend of mine is going thru hell trying to have some time with his kids. His ex's father has deep pockets and they have him in court all the time. He has lost his job due to being in court so much combined with being obsessed with his broken heart and being constantly on edge wondering what evil plans she will have next to attack him. She was brutal in every way. Physically, mentally, emotionally. He is fighting for legislation for more father's rights and I support him 100%. Their children have been poisoned by their vicious mother and the few crumbs of time he does have with his kids are strained. They parrot the horrible things their mother has trained them to say. She should be charged with child abuse. Plain and simple.

    1. I'm sorry your friend is going through this; it's the hardest most frustrating thing ever.. and facing the reality you could lose time with your kids when you're the healthier parent is shocking. But it's really about the court system needing to become better; educated at figuring out who the healthier parent is; hence, what's truly in the children's best interests. Supporting fathers rights takes away the fact that many fathers are abusive... each scenario needs to be assessed individually not as a blanket/group. Empathetic and healthy parents should have the majority or at best all of the time with their children not the abuser no matter what sex they are.