Dating After Divorce: 5 Questions To Ask Yourself

summer 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

*************

The back of the SUV was packed with all the essentials… there was a small soft insulated cooler of ice holding bottled waters, a brown paper bag filled with snacks; some snacks were gluten free for my mother and some were loaded with glorious gluten for me. There were oversized canvas bags holding clothes, swimsuits, sandals and the essential toiletries.

As we headed to our destination and the navigation lady gave her guidance en route the radio played… songs of love, loss and all the hurts tender hearts sometimes endure despite being so brave to make that awesomely huge jump into the pool of vulnerability again.

Johnny Cash sang on the radio a song that Neil Diamond had written… Solitary Man… and I loved it… Cash's voice is like a deep pool of rough open wounds meeting up with the healing velvet touch of luxurious love… his voice is such a bittersweet mix of the beauty of two worlds colliding… I savored the lyrics like a fine wine.

Belinda was mine 'til the time that I found her
Holdin' Jim
And lovin' him
Then Sue came along, loved me strong, that's what I thought
Me and Sue,
But that died, too

Don't know that I will but until I can find me
A girl who'll stay and won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am
A solitary man
Solitary man

I've had it here, being where love's a small word
A part time thing
A paper ring
I know it's been done havin' one girl who loves me
Right or wrong
Weak or strong

Don't know that I will but until I can find me
The girl who'll stay and won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am
A solitary man
A solitary man

Don't know that I will but until love can find me
And the girl who'll stay and won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am
A solitary man
A solitary man

Solitary man

Songwriters
DIAMOND, NEIL

Johnny Cash - Solitary Man Lyrics | MetroLyrics 


"I've had it here, being where love's a small word"… the lyrics spun in my head like a lit ferris wheel… we have made love become such a small word, haven't we? We have taken love and made it mean nearly nothing… not true and long lasting but instead often broken. Humans have a way of messing up the absolute most beautiful thing ever… saying "I love you" but clinging to the idea of someone else. Loving someone with as much finite love as we possibly can because part of it is allotted to someone else. Showing love in the most intimate forms and yet not really being mentally present. Naively believing we are dearly loved by someone and yet coming to discover we are nothing more than just another notch on someones belt or one of many forgettable fantasies in someones mind. 

The only one who has truly perfected love is Jesus. 

Who wants a part time love? Who wants to be with someone who doesn't know what love truly is? No one that I know of. Yet we may be with someone who loves us with one foot in the door and one out… maybe we squander away something beautiful with someone special because our selfish egos outweigh the love were willing to give… the extra mile were willing to go. Or maybe we thought we were someone's whole world only to regrettably realize that we were considered just a boring spouse whom they used to procreate children with all the while chasing every skirt or John in town behind our back unbeknownst to us. 

As I drove and gazed into the pale blue-hued sky streaked with clouds my mother spoke and snapped me out of my mental reverie. "Have you found any options on the dating sites?"

"Ha!" I laughed then soberly replied "Ummm, that would be a no." I told her. "I mean, I've messaged a few guys back and forth… there's been some communication, but nothing viable."

"There's just not any that match up what you're looking for?" She asked.

"MmmmmHmmm" I mumurred as we jumped on the freeway. I checked my speed and surveyed the vehicles. "I just don't think there is anyone out there who is going to match up on everything." I told her  matter of fact.

"Well, what's been the issues with the ones you've messaged?" She asked as she dug around in her purse for lip balm. It's a universal issue for women that keys and lip balm always mysteriously disappear into the depths of handbags never to be found again.

"Well one guy seemed okay until I found out he has an alcohol issue. That's a no go. Then there was the guy who seemed really great until I found out he doesn't see his kids except for just holidays, they live out of state with the mother. That was a no go. Then there was the guy who seemed like a good choice except he smokes. I can't handle smoke, I'll end up hacking and have to use an inhaler. Then there was the guy who stated he was a Christian but his questionnaire contradicted that because he expected sex after the third date. That was a big no."

"Okay, that all seems reasonable. " She agreed "But I still think the best way is to just meet someone."

"Yeah…" I trailed off then spoke, changing lanes to the left to pass someone. "Where would that be? I have too many deal breakers and must haves. I mean, if you get on there and look at those dating sites there are literally maybe a handful of Christian men to choose from and those don't always match up on the other criteria I'm looking for. I'd like to find someone with a daughter but most of them seem to have boys. It's like there was a plethora of boys being born in the age range I'd want. I want someone who isn't addicted to anything, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. I really don't think that's asking for too much. Somebody down to earth, who can work with his hands so I don't emasculate him with my wonder bar, "I told her with a grin and she laughed.


I turned the air up a couple notches so she wouldn't get cold because I'm a hothead and didn't want to hog the thermostat. "Somebody who doesn't live for TCU football and had their Daddy pay for everything they have because that just makes me nauseous," I smirked "Someone with a beard because I'm not attracted to waxed and primped, someone who lives for Christ, someone who is kind and sees the beauty in a person not just the exterior. So many of the guys on these sites haven't even had kids yet… I'm amazed that by nearly forty so many men are just now wanting to start a family. I mean, that doesn't work for me…" I paused with exasperation "I'm done having babies… so to be with someone who wants to have them is out of the question for me. I'd be open to adoption but that's it… I don't know… "I sighed and she spoke...

"I think you do have too many must haves. Maybe a guy with younger boys is someone you should consider. If you think a step-daughter who will one day be a teenager is going to be a picnic think again. A guy who is a good match might not be available right now… he might be married right now and divorced in a few years when you meet him. Either that or everything you're looking for simply doesn't exist." She told me. 

I glanced over at her "It really isn't a big deal… I do fine being on my own and in some ways I like it that way… if it happens, great, but I'd be shocked if it does. At the end of the day I'm not willing to settle for so so…  I want someone amazing and I'm not agreeing to anything less… gee, it'd be a whole lot easier if God just sent down a memo saying who to pick. I think the free will thing is bit overrated."

Free will. It's too bad God doesn't stick a post-it note on our bedside table to let us know who we should choose to marry. But thankfully there are some things we can follow in relation to God's guidance in choosing a mate. We can read our bibles and find advice after concrete advice of what makes up a godly man (or proverbs wife). Just like we can pick up a map to find the way in our travels or with the press of a button have a voice guide us to our next destination, we have God's word to lead us in making wise sound decisions. 

What we learn the second time around when dating and choosing a potential mate… we may wish we had that wisdom and clarity back when we were younger on the first go-round. We may not realize when were twenty-two and naive as a baby lamb what were truly signing up for when we say "I do." We may not know God well when we marry, we may not know what unequally yoked means, we may not know much of anything including very little about ourselves. 

Instead we get our britches in a wad and want everything to happen now… we want the wedding, the house, the babies and the white picket fence and we want it asap. We fall in love. We are perhaps to our own detriment idealistic. Then when everything doesn't turn out quite how we pictured it because we picked out someone who is not a good soul but maybe more like Lucifer himself… we wail in despair wanting out of the big ole mess we are in… we cry out to God and ask for assistance. Or maybe we pick someone who isn't evil at all but just wasn't a wise choice (darn that free will thing sneaking up to bite us in the butt)... and now we're dealing with the fallout of that choice years in.

The most important thing we can do when we are open to dating someone aka finding our potential mate is to just. be. patient. Impatience can bring forth a slew of nasty problems in our life as the result of hurrying to find someone. 

If we go into a potential relationship we can ask ourselves 5 important questions to save ourselves much heartache and trouble. 

1. Would this relationship please God? If it's not going to please Him then it won't work. 

2. Is this person a believer? We can stamp anything on something… we can stamp green beans on a can and people will tell you it's green beans. But what if it's really not? Someone telling you their a Christian isn't enough; actions always speak louder than words. There are people disguised as sheep who are truly wolves underneath; an unbeliever could potentially fake being a Christian to be with you. Then later as the relationship progresses or worse after you've become husband and wife they will reveal their true belief and character to you. 

3. If you've been a Christian for quite some time and you find yourself interested in pursuing a relationship with a new Christian, beware. A new Christian will not have the same level of spiritual maturity as you do… you're both at entirely different places in your growth as followers of Christ and one will inevitably drag down the other; one of you will have to be the sounding board all the time i.e.; one of you will have to be the one who gives all the spiritual direction. Instead of two equal partners we now have a parent-child relationship.

4. If you're dating someone who has been married previously how does their past impact your relationship? How as a couple and individually are you going to come together as a reflection of Christ and work through the various challenges? If children are present is the co-parenting with their other parent amicable or contentious? Realize that if you sign up to marry someone who is in continual custody issues it will likely affect your spouses mood and at times they may need extra emotional support from you; are you able and willing to give it? Are you willing to put in the effort for the long haul? You may be the only positive role model his/her children have; are you up to that responsibility?

5. I have heard from countless folks who never dreamed of loving someone again or ever marrying after divorce and yet they have found a partner who is such a blessing in their life. They have learned the hard way what works in marriage and what doesn't and thankfully can actively use that knowledge positively in their second marriage. For some it's the first time they have experienced true safety and intimacy in a relationship. Marriage does not fix or remove our baggage we have from past relationships, emotional or physical abuse, etc… it will not act as a bandaid… but ask yourself this: Is this person is open to healing? Are they open to dealing with what they've experienced? If they are that's half the battle… make the effort to go to pre-marital counseling and see if there are any issues that still need addressing. What your partner has been through has partly made them who they are today… celebrate them and the love you have together in Christ.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

RELATED POSTS: 

30 SIGNS: HE'S NOT THE ONE

ONLINE DATING: 5 TIPS

MEN & WOMEN: HEALTHY BOUNDARIES IN A RELATIONSHIP

30 Signs: He's Not The One

30 Signs He Is Not The One: 

1. He's on a hook-up site not a dating site.

2. He professes that he wants a classy woman on his dating profile then upon checking out his photos you see him wrapped around two scantily clad women. Delete.

3. He seems to go MIA. One day you're receiving texts that make you smile and reply back. Then poof! He's gone and you get zero explanation… you're left wondering how many others he's done this to. Move on.

4. He only sees you at places like your condo or his house. He doesn't take you out in public.

5. He doesn't introduce you to his friends or family.

6. You catch him checking out other women.

7. He's on the fence. He can't decide what he wants including you. Make that choice for him.

8. Mixed signals… one minute he seems interested. Then not so much. A man who is truly interested in you and developing feelings for you pursues, period. He doesn't waffle.

9. He's critical of you. Some teasing is fine… but if it's mean spirited, if you're not laughing as well… if it's picking at your appearance… show him the door.

10. He's not straight with you. He refuses to talk about his past. He's hiding something.

11. You're not sure if he likes you. Again… he's on the fence, his actions are inconsistent. You should feel secure from the get go.

12. How does he handle stress? Does he freak out? A lot? Do you see signs of instability?

13. When he says he's going to do something does he do it? If he's going to pursue a goal or dream is he taking the steps necessary to make it come to fruition?

14. You go to him with a concern and he shuts you down. Stonewalling is not communicating, it's a control tactic.

15. He sets a standard for you yet… that he isn't willing to do for himself or for you. He expects happy to be smeared on your face, he expects you to exercise and eat healthy, he expects you to go see that awful guy movie you both know you'll hate. He doesn't exercise, he gorges on junk food and refuses to see that new chick flick you want to see. It's time to say adios.

16. He expects sex and you don't believe in it before marriage. This isn't something that can be compromised on. Stick to what you believe God wants for you.

17. He only has bad things to say about his exes. This can be tricky. If someone only has one ex… or just two exes… let's face it… they haven't dated much. But beyond that… if everyone on their list is described as "crazy" or a "you know what"… then the common denominator is him. Maybe he treated them so terribly they began to act a little coo-koo… or maybe he has terrible skills at choosing healthy partners. It may take some digging to figure out what the story is.

18. He treats wait staff terribly. He's short with them, he ignores them, he tips bad or doesn't at all… he's demanding or demeaning… one day he will treat you just like that, guaranteed.

19. He won't admit when he's wrong. Admitting he's wrong or was hurtful means immediately acknowledging so and not having someone have to point it out or convince them.

20. There's little to no appreciation shown for what you've done. You baked him a homemade meal for him, you took him out to dinner for his birthday, you bought him tickets to that game he wants to go to… yet he says little to nothing.

21. He's quick to anger… he blows up, he instigates road rage, he is moody, he uses intimidation tactics like throwing things or punching walls or furniture to shut you down… he's hit you or pushed you… verbal abuse, emotional abuse… he won't take no for an answer… all red signs you need to cut all communication and move on quick.

22. There appears to be inflexibility on his part. It's his way or the highway whether it's where you go on vacation, where to eat, etc… it's fine to bend… but not bend over. If life is always his way… if you have to give and give and give… and you get nothing in return… that screams of imbalance and it's time to move on.

23. He doesn't get along with his family. This, like the exes can be tricky ground as well. It may very well be the case that his family has a few unhealthy nut jobs… so how do you know if they truly are toxic for him to be around or if the issue really lies with him? It may take some time to wade through… keep your peepers peeped and your ears tuned to anything that causes your eyebrows to raise.

24. You feel smothered and you need some fresh air. It may be that he is around too much… that his texting is incessant and his calls are making you want to hit ignore and wait just a second… is that his car that just circled your block? This smacks of control and a dose of crazy. Restraining order, please.

25. You find your friends being continually put on the back burner, your sister is ticked, your exercise routine is out the window and suddenly your mom no longer gets calls… he monopolizes all your time and you need balance. It's time to have a talk and if that doesn't fix it it's time to take your life back.

26. Everything is a deal to be made. He bought you dinner and now expects some action. Um, no. Tell him he's barking up the wrong tree and send that dog home.

27. You want a Saturday night in to scrapbook, watch t.v. and have a glass of wine in your pj's. Or maybe you really enjoy going to quilt shows or gardening. He makes fun of you and puts you down for it. Not cool.

28. He gaslights you. He tells you that you look terrible then denies it. You find yourself questioning reality… it's not you, it's him and his crazy hanging out. Run like the wind.

29. There is a cheapness that runs deep in his pocket and he refuses to break that bank open. It won't get better… he will get worse.

30. He's chained to Mama and it doesn't appear that the umbilical cord is going to be cut anytime soon. Run. He will not change… he will not cleave to you… he is so immeshed in her bosom you won't be able to find him. She can have him.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014

Bonus! 

Any behaviors that we see when 

dating will typically become ingrained and worsen over time… 

so whatever is irking you

 now will be magnified a zillion 

times down the road. 

This post can also be reversed as signs "she" is not the one for guys. 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

RELATED POSTS: 

Is He A Sociopath? 20 Signs

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/you-may-be-wondering-if-hes-sociopath.html

Desperation: Drop It Like It's Hot

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/desperation-drop-it-like-its-hot.html

Bravery: Standing Strong & Exposing Our Shackles

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/01/youve-probably-heard-by-now-at-least-if.html

Loving Her As God Would Want Him To

It's that moment of butterflies… you see him… he sees you. Striding toward him you feel a slight girlish nervousness take over and your heart skips a tiny beat…  then he smiles and asks how you are and yet in that momentary pack of nerves there is a friendly comfortableness with him. You could quite possibly bare your soul… it's like an unspoken connection… for whatever reason you feel a pull and wonder if something… like a tiny seed could grow here… between you both… you can feel it… like something really special is possible… something longterm could possibly thrive if allowed. But you don't know if he feels the same so you hold back… you keep quiet and remain reserved in expression as you don't want to pursue something that may be merely a figment of your imagination… as doubt creeps in… and at the end of the day you don't want to foolishly believe there is interest where there isn't. So you hold back… you hold back and just observe… perfectly content with waiting to discover on a slow timetable if there truly is more to this than what you wonder.


Time goes by like the song and eventually there are subtleties that cannot be ignored… that cannot be explained away… glances and blushes that cannot be merely brushed aside… and the idea of "were just friends…" no longer applies… instead you realize that you want to get to know him better… to spend time with him… to crawl into his head and heart and learn about who he is… where he's from, what brought him to this current place in time… and where he's going… you want to share a meal of french fries and laughs…. you want to sip milkshakes and flirt like two crushes… you want to link arms, rest your head on his shoulder and walk though a garden of fragrant gardenias. You believe he wants the same. You imagine in-depth late night conversations bringing you together…  frank discussions of past struggles and any fears of the future… giggles and easy laughter emitted over coffee or tea…  thoughts, feelings and values verbalized. You want to hear all his stories and share yours on a blanket in the grass while watching the sun set… listening to music on a patio, sharing a slice of cherry cheesecake and a wine tinged kiss of affirmation that yes, he feels the same way as you have all along… the moment is as close to perfection if there ever was such a thing… here you are, you're ready to take the relationship to the next level…

and yet…

you are so glad it stops there with that one kiss that night.

Because there will be other nights…

Other moments…

and other kisses.


Cinderella knew when it was time to leave… to descend the stairs and depart… she knew when to walk away… to say no and not stay longer than she should… and as women we can know when to walk away as well. If a moment becomes too intimate… if it begins to move too quickly… faster than were prepared for when were dating someone… if the course and speed of intimacy is quickly becoming not in alignment with what we believe is best for the course of a relationship between us and a man, we can remind ourselves it's perfectly fine to put the brakes on… it's perfectly okay to say "Goodnight", "Wait a minute" or "We need to slow down" and walk away. It's perfectly alright to graciously and honestly tell him "I've had a lovely time but I need to get going now." It's more than acceptable to be honest with him wrapped in kindness, fetch your coat and bag and depart…


A man who truly loves you, who is pursuing you, will understand all this…

He loves her… what began as interest over time grew to care… which eventually developed into tender love… she worships and praises God and he thanks Him for letting her path meet his… he loves the way she says "awww…" in that lovely soft way to let him know she understands… he sees how strong she is… brave… and is awed by her tenacity to keep going despite life's obstacles thrown at her… she sees glimpses of how beautifully he sees her soul by the twinkle in his eyes when he smiles hello at her… he is tickled by the way she ruffles her hair and expresses her thoughts on her face when she smirks… yet he soberly knows her hurt within… and one day he wants to make sweet love to her where all her scars are and seal them up with raw kisses… he wants to gently caress her cheek with his five o'clock shadowed chin, bury his face deep in her head of brown locks, breathe in the scent of her pomegranate shampoo and huskily whisper "I love you…"


She loves him as well…  he strides like he can confidently handle anything yet exudes a humbleness in character and uses discernment when it comes to life's situations… he follows through. She sees his kindness, his compassion and heart for others. She smiles with gratitude at his loyalty to her and hers towards him. She sees him as someone who stands for "it's a beautiful life" despite any hardships because like a garden of lovely roses there is so much natural beauty to be found in this world…  she's appreciative of the little things in life and she finds joy in sunshine, rainy Saturdays, a warm meal and the comforts of home…  she wants to be by his side, to walk in virtue, to laugh absurdity in the face alongside him, to create a beautiful abode filled with pictures and memories they have and will share… to love him, to purposefully care for him now and forever…


The greatest gift he could ever give her was loving her consistently.

He wanted her to always be honest with him.

He wanted her to say no if she felt it appropriate.

He wanted her to stop what she didn't want going further.

And if she didn't… he unabashedly would for her.

He wanted her to love God more than him.

He didn't want her to ever compromise her values or faith.

He didn't want her to ever waver on what she believed.


That's why when the clock struck midnight… when the night came to an end… or whenever she said "I have to go…" he respected it. He listened. He didn't push or pressure. He honored her. He wanted to love her as God would want him to. He wanted to respect her as He would expect him to.

So when she whispered to him after a wine-tinged kiss and smiled "I have to go…" because she knew herself well enough to know that staying would mean temptation in going further… and she cared too much to let that happen…

He let her.

Why?

Because…  he truly loved her. 


~ Jennifer Gafford (2014)
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com

to my readers; 

thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!

10 Signs You Have A Loving Relationship: 

1. You talk openly about issues; conversations go beyond the superficial and run deep.
2. You discuss things and are able to find compromise.
3. You both know loyalty is never an option but an absolute must.
4. You're always truthful and never keep secrets from one another.
5. You find each other physically attractive, you're mentally and emotionally compatible.
6. You are best friends and lovers and you can express what you want in bed.
7. You know their faults yet can accept them, as no one is perfect.
8. You accept their past and show them respect.
9. You listen to what they say and confirm what you're hearing.
10. You encourage their own personal growth within the relationship.  

              

   

                                   

                                       

     

                                     

Online Dating: 5 Tips

In this digital world today it can be difficult finding someone to truly connect with… with so many online dating sites it's no wonder we may feel a little overwhelmed by so many choices… and yet then upon a closer look we may disappointingly realize that the "choices" are few and far between. Especially when it comes to finding a Godly man.

If you've been through a breakup or divorce like myself… you likely know what you want… and most definitely what you don't want. With years invested in a marriage, maybe kids too… you likely by now know what you expect from another person… and it's not the bare minimum either. With maturity and life experience you know what your standards are and what you're not willing to compromise on.

If you've been with someone who was verbally, physically or emotionally abusive it's likely you naturally want to take things slow… no one could blame you and yet with online dating it's difficult to know for certain that the person behind the screen is truly who they are portraying themselves to be in their profile and messages sent to you.

So how can you prevent wasting your time on a guy that is not for you, that isn't a man after God and who only hopes to pull the wool over your eyes? It's important to keep in mind that you're God's daughter, His shining jewel… remember His love and His standards for you. This is why it's so incredibly important to keep high standards for yourself… to not compromise on what's best for you and not allow excuses or hurry in finding someone to creep in.


5 Tips For Dating Online:

1. Don't make excuses for a man's poor behavior. Don't fall for common excuses that may come into play like: "He's just really busy" when he doesn't have time for you. Yes, occasionally things do come up. But he should want to spend time with you if he's truly interested and make the time. A man who is interested in a woman will pursue her.

2. Look for balance in his view of his past relationships. A man who has been in many relationships or multiple marriages and speaks ill of every woman he's been with… beware. The common denominator is him… it's highly plausible that each and every one of the women he's been with are perfectly nice women… it may be that he's the issue.

3. Remember that you're God's daughter and worthy of a wonderful healthy love. You don't have to allow yourself to get in a hurry and end up settling. You don't have to take less than you deserve, like being put on the back burner, getting the run around and expected to be a hook-up. Remain confident in that.

4. Watch for behaviors that signal a problem. Men who are crass, rude to wait staff, rude to his mom, (or your family) need to be shown the door. Don't waste another minute on him… one day that rude behavior will inevitably be turned on you. If he has huge debt, if he drinks too much, if he drinks and drives, flirts with other women, lies, is disrespectful to you in any way… if he focuses on image, his vehicle, just his needs and wants… if he's critical of you, dismisses you, displays a lack of empathy toward you and others… if he doesn't work, if he is addicted to drugs, if he's abusive in any way shape or form, run and don't look back.

5. If you're a Christian and he isn't… no matter how many other things line up… if the foundation isn't there… if you don't share the same values and love for Christ… no matter how much you try... it simply won't work. Like the song, an "All You Need Is Love" mentality by the Beatles isn't realistic, it's merely an empty platter without substance. A relationship requires so much more. Don't waste your time on someone who isn't after God's heart. Because the truth is, you can't change him and he's not your project. A relationship shouldn't be agenda based...

But centered on Christ.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!


Related Posts: 

Is He A Sociopath? 20 Signs
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/you-may-be-wondering-if-hes-sociopath.html

Change: Better Alone Than Married To The Devil
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/change-better-alone-than-married-to.html

Desperation: Drop It Like It's Hot
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/desperation-drop-it-like-its-hot.html

Standing On A Road She Didn't Plan: A Single Mom Dating
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/standing-on-road-she-didnt-plan-single.html

Being Your Husband's #1 Fan

What are you a fan of? 

It seems everyone is a fan of something today. Maybe it's football, maybe it's basketball or skiing. Maybe it's cheering on your favorite hockey team while they battle it out on the ice… maybe it's fishing, camping, a vacation spot or yes, even shopping. Maybe you're a fan of beauty products with pretty packaging, of a certain brand of clothing or a favorite restaurant.

But maybe, just maybe you are a fan of someone. Someone in particular that you know and love.


Who is this person you may ask?



Maybe it's your husband.

Are you a fan of his?

Of course! ...
You acknowledge and dismiss there being any question about it.



Are you his #1 fan? 



Being his #1 fan you'd never speak ill of him to others.

Being his # 1 fan you'd never embarrass him with jokes at his expense.

Being his # 1 fan you'd never take pot shots at him when he's an epic fail.

Being his # 1 fan you'd never rub his nose in other's triumphs and victories.

Being his # 1 fan you'd never compare his skill set to the other guys you know.

Being his # 1 fan you'd never hold back when it comes to encouragement.

Being his # 1 fan you'd never not tell him how wonderful he is when he has doubts.

Being his # 1 fan you'd never withhold love and affection when he needs it most.



Encourage Him… 

Wives can be assured that one of their greatest gifts to their husbands is being an encourager. He loves to hear words of life spoken to him about his work, how he provides for his family and even in the bedroom. He wants to hear that yes, he's doing a great job at providing, that it is worthwhile, that what he does all day between eight and five or longer has value to you… he wants to hear that you admire what he does for a living, that it makes a difference in your world, that the scrimping and saving for that vacation, the long hours he's put in… are totally worth it in your eyes and incredibly appreciated.


You remember when you are dating and it's all new and exciting? It's an influx of good feelings coming in like warm butter hitting the inside of your stomach because all that dopamine is kicking in and you feel electricity up and down your spine… falling in love is like that… all your senses are heightened and every moment is special… like pancake syrup on your lip it's sweet and you don't this phase to end… <insert blissful sigh>


Then, marriage begins and although the electricity has been replaced with warmth, with security and sweet familiarity that we all know has limitless value, the dopamine undeniably flatlines to some extent (why it's so important to continually do new things together to keep the relationship fresh) and before you know it you may be crossing into territory that is perhaps not so peaceful… but instead resembles an ugly no man's land of opposition… maybe as a wife a few years in you find yourself rolling your eyes, crossing your arms and slamming doors because "Mr. Right" has become "Mr. Does Everything Wrong."

I hate to break it to you but here's the truth: 

That behavior is not going to bring him closer to you. 

That will not alleviate the issues between you, fix the problem at hand nor make him want to engage with you. Those actions will make him want to flee to the next room, the garage, outside, maybe take off for a few hours because all he sees is a five foot-something angry little person (who he assumes is on her period) on a raging rampage through shared space that is sure bent on making everyone know she's mad but not in a constructive healthy way. The best thing to do? Stop with the dramatics. No eye rolling, no sighing, no door slamming and no arm crossing. Give yourself some space first. Take a deep breath. Then go to him (on commercial break, please… don't interrupt the game) and tell him exactly why you are upset in a calm, respectful manner using the statement "I feel <blank> when…." 

Be soft, 

unlike the hardness of the world. 

Touch his arm, give him hugs, pat his shoulder, smile at him! He wants to feel like you actually like him and not that because of one irritating moment you have complete disappointment in him.



Brag About Him… 

You know how you brag about your love for your favorite team to others? Well, your husband wants to know you talk to others about how crazy you are for him, how much you admire him, how he's your hero, how he fixed the such and such or just got a great promotion, or just oh my goodness… brought you home your very favorite cupcakes(!) from the local bakery on the way home "just because"… he wants to overhear you talking about the sweet things he does for you on the phone to your best friend, your mom and your sister. It makes him swell with pride that yes, he is doing something that matters to you, that you are taking notice, that you are appreciative, that you are thankful. It makes him want to do more when you follow up in a few days with  a hug and a "You know… I'm still thinking of what you did… that was so sweet of you!" Watch him beam in return… he won't be able to wipe the grin off his face… guaranteed. 



Lift Him Up When He Falls… 

This week Rich Peverley with the Dallas Stars collapsed from a heart condition… sometimes your favorite team player falls, maybe he has a health issue, maybe he misses an opportunity, we all have something… the same holds true for your husband. Maybe he is down and out, maybe he's struggling with something… whether it's the death of a family member, a missed promotion at work, maybe a demanding project that just isn't coming together as he had hoped… all these things can cause frustration, a dispirited mindset, maybe doubt. But a wife can step in and lift him up with words of encouragement, with physical touch and affirmation that yes, he is still the great man she knows him to be… that yes, he is a child of God, he will overcome, he will succeed, he will prosper…. most importantly that you are by his side, not on the sidelines or watching from afar if he's on the bench for awhile.


No matter what life brings…

No matter how the game ends,

No matter what his triumphs,

No matter what his losses,


He won't have to worry about you putting down your pom poms and walking away….

Instead, you're right there, cheering him on.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 


But what if you're single? What if you don't have a husband? You can still pray for the man you will marry one day. You can still keep him close to your heart and hope nothing but the best for him, for God to mold him, chisel him… yet while doing that… ask the same of God for yourself. Ask God to help you learn as much as possible, to become the woman your husband will need, to be the woman God desires you to be. 

Proverbs 31:10-31 

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar.

there's no such thing as perfection… only progress 

            To My Readers: Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing! 

When Love Isn't Enough & He Doesn't Provide

"She's getting married soon…" She told me as she chopped up carrots she was putting into her vegetable soup she was making. Country music played softly in the background of the kitchen, Scotty McCreery singing 'See You Tonight', my latest song obsession. "She's planning the wedding and I guess really excited."

I reached into the fridge for the tub of Ricotta cheese for the homemade manicotti I was preparing. "Oh, really? That's nice. Sooo… whose the guy?" I grinned "What's he like? What does he do?"

"He uhhhh… he doesn't do anything." She told me.


Silence.


I stood there at the kitchen counter staring at her "He what? I'm sorry… he does NOTHING?" I echoed in shock, not sure I heard her right. How could someone do nothing? "When you're single you work. That's what you do. I don't understand."

As she scraped chopped vegetables from her wood cutting board into the stainless steel pot sitting on the burner she nodded "Um, yeah, I know." She carried the cutting board across the kitchen to the sink where she began rinsing it with cool water. "She's a lawyer and supporting him. Their engaged and she wants kids really bad."

"Yeah, but…." I said with a raised eyebrow… "Wait, they don't have kids yet, right?" I confirmed… snapping a square off of my Perugina milk chocolate bar and popping it in my mouth.

"Right." My mother affirmed and looked over at me. "I know, I know what you're thinking. I've been thinking the same thing. It's all ridiculous." She added resignedly.

"How can he be at home? And do nothing?" I asked incredulously, still trying to wrap my head around that. "There aren't any kids to care for. What? They need him to water and talk to the houseplants? I mean, what kind of partnership is THAT?!" I exclaimed.

She sighed "I know… you're saying all the things I've been thinking… and I agree. She's in love and apparently blind to what's already going on."

"What do you mean? What's going on?" My brows furrowed as I mixed ingredients in a small stainless steel mixing bowl.

"Well, she comes home and the place is a mess. He hasn't done anything all day. I mean, here she is, she's worked all day and she comes home to a dirty house and he can't even clean up and contribute to the household. She has to do everything." She explained.

"I guess my tolerance levels for bs have lowered significantly since divorcing my own toxic ex… " I snorted. "But this is a whole new level of insanity. She's running around doing everything after a long day at work and how is he helping her? This is not a partnership. This is not two people who are each putting in one hundred percent. This is one giver and one taker. He will eventually no longer be capable of being pleased. He will demand more and more of her. Expecting more money, less responsibility on his part which is already nil and never being satisfied. He will be the 'other child' she has and she will come to resent him for it. He will one day no longer have her respect because he's so emasculated. And he may not respect himself. She may think this is the 'way to run a marriage' because it leads her to being in the driver's seat, the superior one, the one in control, the one who will make the decisions. But this will lead to a mess guaranteed. I see the writing on the wall." I told her.

She nodded "I totally see your point and I agree." She sighed "Try telling her that, though. You know how it is… no one can tell these things to someone whose in the situation. Emotions muddy everything and make it difficult to see down the road… into the future especially. Everyone has to make their own mistakes. And sometimes they are costly. Sometimes who we shouldn't marry is like a flashing sign to everyone else... yet people continue to choose the wrong person. They get older, they want to have kids, they want to settle down and so they finally just pick somebody. And it may be the wrong one."

"Yeah…" I replied as I began carefully piping the ricotta, mozzarella, fresh parmesan and egg mixture with Italian seasonings into the manicotti noodles I'd made. "I just hate seeing people marry the wrong person. I mean, I have an almost physical reaction. It makes me want to throw up. I hate seeing that, it's like a runaway train that can't be stopped. I guess because once you've been married and divorced you don't want to see other people go through that pain. Plus the effects on the kids. It's awful." I told her.

"I know…" She said. "It's hard to watch and yet there's not a thing we can do about it." She sadly shook her head "She, like everyone, has to learn the hard way. That's human nature."

**********************

"Whatta Man, Whatta Man, Whatta Mighty Good Man" 

- Salt 'N' Pepa (1994) 

When dating, searching for a man who is marriage material, we need to begin by looking at men… not little boys pretending to be men who are only capable of growing chest hair and that's as far as they mature. As women we need to first know what a man looks like and familiarize ourselves with that image. 

5 Signs He's A Man Not A Boy: 

1. He's a provider. He needs to have something called ambition, some drive, some goals and dreams. Idleness is not a characteristic of a man but a boy.  

2. He's disciplined. He knows how to manage his finances and not spend his paycheck before he's even received it. He takes care of his health and knows it's fleeting and a blessing from God. He goes to church regularly, reads his bible and prays. He strives to become all that God desires him to be including the husband his wife needs. 

3. He needs to be able to communicate in a calm, loving way without losing it. He needs to have a hold on his emotions and be slow to anger. If he is explosive it will turn everyone away from him and make them fearful which will leave little room for love and trust. 

4. He needs to have humility. Can he admit when he was wrong and not place blame on you? If he screws up, if he added to the argument or what not, he needs to own up to it and how he contributed. Pridefulness will be the death of a relationship if he won't ever admit his failings. 

5. He needs to know that women aren't to be objectified, used, raped, hit, abused verbally or emotionally in any way shape or form. He needs to live a life that his strength is for protection not for hurting and teach his sons this example. 

As women 

we may get caught 

up in society's ideals

 of what to look for in a husband… 

like physical appearance,  

status... his vehicle, 

his personal style, home, etc. 

Standards & Preferences: 

It's fine to have preferences when it comes to blonde, brown or red hair... it's okay to prefer boots over loafers or a truck over a Jaguar or vice versa. It's okay to want quirky, cheesy, romantic or a weirdness that matches up with ours. We all have a certain look, personality, sense of humor, etc we may be attracted to over another... and yet when choosing a future spouse we also don't want to lose sight of what really matters... their character, their beliefs, their values, morals, their love for Christ, their  temperament, their ability to communicate and show love in a healthy manner.... someone who knows our difficulties, our failings, our weak spots and yet would never use them against us. A man who is like a protective bear, who walks the side closet to the sidewalk, a gentleman who ensures you're safely inside a building before pulling away from the curb. A man who is patient, kind, loving and humble.

And yes...

A man who provides for his family. 

{ Ephesians 5 } 

{1 Timothy 5:8 }

These things big and small make up a man who is marriage material... 

and most importantly…  


a Godly husband. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

Just like a woman, a man must use caution in who he marries. If he's drawn to women who exhibit very strong, overbearing personality types it's important he has a strong sense of who he is. Both partners need to feel heard and contribute to the relationship as partners. Otherwise the union takes on an unhealthy balance and the wife plays the role of a parent. If he's depressed he needs to seek therapy and possible medication to deal with where he's struggling.

To My Readers:

Thank you for reading,

commenting and sharing!

Bravery: Standing Strong & Exposing Our Shackles

You've probably heard by now at least if you are a Bachelor fan or tabloid reader Sean Lowe is to marry Catherine Giudici on Sunday, January 26th, 2014 on live television. You can read the article here posted by the Huffington Post: 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/13/sean-lowe-catherine-giudici-waiting_n_2867570.html

It has become public knowledge that Sean and Catherine are waiting until their wedding night to consummate their relationship. There are those in society who want to point fingers at couples whom they deem odd or strange because they choose to wait to consummate their relationship until after they've exchanged "I do's". Yet the story can be viewed as a beacon of light in a world often obsessed with lust and instant gratification, that there are still couples who put importance... value on waiting. Sean and Catherine may be in the minority by the world's standards but not by God's.


I love this story.

I love that someone out there stands behind what they believe in and isn't caving due to worldly pressure and influence.

I love that Sean is being a man and looking out for her.

I love that he is not going to be selfish and look inward to his own needs.

                                                                                                       

I love that Catherine supports him too and they stand united together.

ONE WORD: 

BRAVE. 

THEY ARE BOTH SO INCREDIBLY BRAVE. 

They are brave because so few will stand up today for what's right. Has it been an easy path for them? Only they know the answer to that question yet we can assume it hasn't been easy… due to what we all know about human nature. Yet they have held steadfast to their values and what God deems suitable. Because when they stand up and say: 

"This is what we believe. This is what we are doing. We are honoring each other and God." 

It enables others to do the same.


So many of us wish we had that time back… that time to have a do-over and not engage in pre-marital sex. We can't have a do-over but we can begin anew any day from here out. Maybe you've already done something you regret and wish you could take it back.

I know I do… if I could have a re-do I'd take it in a nano second... I know I was wrong having pre-marital sex and when we admit we were wrong... that our behavior was sinful... that is BRAVE too. It's not something I can do-over but I can start new. Abstaining from sex outside marriage, caring about someone deeply, I'm going to hold off because I wouldn't want to do anything that could cause either of us potential regret, harm or hurt later. That holds true for the man in my future.

I want the next man I'm with to be the last. 

And that includes doing what I know to be right. 

Maybe you have a similar past story that includes regret and wish you could have back that one night or those many nights… that moment(s) of weakness filled with self and lack of discipline... maybe rebellion. When we care and purposefully love someone we put what God desires first, as well as the well-being of the one we love ahead of our own fleshly desires.


You may think "It's too late for me… I've already messed up." But we don't have to subscribe to sin, lust and the ways of the world on a continual basis just because we already did once, twice, ten times or more. We don't have to say "Ugh, I've already messed it up, there's no point in starting fresh." We can say no to throwing in the towel.

Seems like all I could see was the struggle

Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past

Bound up in shackles of all my failures

Wondering how long is this gonna last?

Then You look at this prisoner

and say to me, son

Stop fighting a fight

It's already been won.

And I am redeemed

 Big Daddy Weave - Redeemed Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

We can pick ourselves up and say:

"Today is a new beginning. Today I'm walking with God and remaining untouched until my wedding night with the man I marry." 

Just because we have made less than stellar choices in the beginning does not mean we are destined to continue on that way and those choices also be our ending. We can decide any day, any hour, any minute:

"My story is going to end differently" 

And then see it through.

Some may laugh and think "that's extreme", or "that's taking it too seriously"... but God isn't laughing... He delights in us taking Him seriously and even more, obeying Him. God desires us to use discipline and honor our body, not dabble in passionate lust, as sexual immorality is a work of the flesh.

ADMITTING A STRUGGLE 

= 

BRAVE 

This week someone in the news admitted her struggle behind closed doors… Elizabeth Vargas, the 20/20 news anchor sat down with 'Good Morning America' to open up about her past struggle with alcoholism…

you can watch the video here:

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv-movies/elizabeth-vargas-alcoholic-article-1.1590054


In the interview she relayed the details of her journey and how it brought her to a final place of triumph. Think of how many people watching that interview could relate… nodding their heads and silently affirming they too were struggling while ensconced in their dens or kitchens holding a cup of coffee to wake up from the previous night's headache-inducing-wine-binge. Elizabeth Vargas has undoubtedly inspired countless people to be brave enough to finally dodge denial and admit they too have a problem with alcohol, with addiction. It takes guts to stand up and admit publicly or merely to our family and friends that we have an issue we are struggling with… whether it be porn, cheating, alcohol, excessive spending, gambling, etc… when we are brave and stand up, when we admit our moments of defeat that have remained hidden… behind the bathroom door in a puddle of tears or in front of the mirror where only God can see, when we admit we've felt convicted about our behavior and yet desperately need help because we are too weak on our own to help ourselves… we are doing something wonderful… we may not know it at the time but we are modeling for others their first step toward victory too… a single act of bravery that will have widespread wondrous results.

You set me free

So I'll shake off these heavy chains

and wipe away every stain

'cause I'm not who I used to be

Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be

Jesus, I'm not who I used to be

'cause I am redeemed

Thank God, redeemed

Big Daddy Weave - Redeemed Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

In life we may start with a few strikes, a few falls, a few boo's from the stands... but the truth is... it's the progress, the last bit that counts... the past is not an excuse to say "to heck with it, I'll get by on grace doing what I want"... it's commiting our life to God and declaring that we will finish our race in victory, that our game will bring an epic win, that our story will conclude with tears of joy and cheers of glory... 

because we were brave… 

we progressed

we changed

we grew and evolved 

into what God desires. 

And I can think of nothing greater than pleasing Him. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!