tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22668372812112176182024-02-18T18:28:05.149-08:00GPS-Grace Power StrengthRELATIONSHIPS ~ ENCOURAGEMENT ~ DIVORCE ~ NARCISSISM ~ FAITH ~ ALIENATION ~ INFIDELITY GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.comBlogger316125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-34107131394183681922016-06-03T09:10:00.001-07:002016-06-03T09:10:09.125-07:00DEAR GPS READERS...<div style="text-align: center;">
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I'm excited to share the news that we have a new website... </div>
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<a href="http://www.gracepowerstrength.com/" target="_blank">www.gracepowerstrength.com</a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">All the posts from blogspot are there and can be shared, pinned, etc. All future posts will be published there. There are more changes to come as the site grows. I want to thank each of you for reading and sharing awareness of the many issues covered here including but not limited to divorce, narcissism, child custody, etc. With sharing our experiences each of us have the power to help others, to share faith that life can get better and inspire renewed strength to start new chapters. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Much love, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">Jennifer Gafford </span></div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-82710770605199886852016-05-24T05:49:00.003-07:002016-05-24T05:49:27.462-07:00In Bed With A Narc: The Sound Of Silence<div style="text-align: center;">
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<i style="font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #999999; font-size: xx-small;">“The Bedroom” by jk1991 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net </span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">spring 2016</span></div>
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We sat in my SUV with our seats reclined… the sunroof opened to the night sky… stars twinkled overhead and the evening breeze swept through our shared space. The silence between us albeit the radio playing softly was comfortable and not one that had to be filled with unnecessary chit chat for filler but instead were like long thoughtful pauses that loosely strung one beautiful expression to another. Our stomachs were full from a quick impromtu dinner at IHOP…we shared a love for breakfast and deep conversations… we held no filters and could talk for hours about any subject… it was both liberating and comforting.<br />
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"You remember how you told me sex was one sided with him?" He asked me referring to my ex… "How it was about what he wanted? Not about pleasing you?"<br />
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I nodded "Yeah…"<br />
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He glanced over at me with care. "It got me to thinking. You know you deserve better, right? You know whoever you're with should want to do that for you… to please you?" He asked me.<br />
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"Yeah…" I replied. "I know that now… and to be fair initially in the beginning of our marriage he initiated oral sex… but it wasn't comfortable. Call it inexperience or being asthmatic but it was more like a wind tunnel experience than pleasurable."I grimaced. "I just said forget it. I didn't have the patience at least back then for him to figure it out… but looking back now…" I reflected… "Now I realize the other part of it… I didn't want him to. I kept myself closed off to some extent… when someone is always "checking out the menu" when you're out in public, when someone doesn't pay the taxes for three years and you have the IRS tailing you, when you have someone who they've chosen as their best friend that actually had the audacity to say "The worse you treat women the more they want you"… Um, yeah… you just don't really want to be vulnerable with that person." I shook my head. "Why would you feel safe letting them see you at one of your most private and vulnerable moments? How can you feel safe and loved to allow them to bring you to orgasm? You don't. So you close yourself off." I fiddled with my ring of an eagles head on my right hand, twirling it… "So you go without…" I shrugged, my words trailing into silence but within me feeling the grief of more than a decade of being cheated out of the physical connection I'd missed out on. It was bewildering that so much time had passed and so much of what could have been was lost. Lyrics to a song playing ever so softly filtered through the interior, the trees nearby rustling in the breeze, ruffling my hair….<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: large;"><span style="text-align: center;">"</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; line-height: 19px; text-align: center;">Fools," said I, "you do not know</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: large; line-height: 19px; text-align: center;">Silence like a cancer grows</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: large; line-height: 19px; text-align: center;">Hear my words that I might teach you</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: large; line-height: 19px; text-align: center;">Take my arms that I might reach you."</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: large; line-height: 19px; text-align: center;">But my words like silent raindrops fell</span><br />
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<span style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: large; line-height: 19px;">And echoed in the wells of silence…"</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; line-height: 19px; text-align: center;">"The Sound Of Silence" - Disturbed</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Silence…</span></b> the kind that divides, the kind where there is a lack of understanding and communication… the kind that makes people feel alone. Like a cancer, that kind of silence slowly worsens and grows into an incurable disease between husband and wife. Before long… you realize that you're in a relationship with someone who is incapable of love and emotionally inept. Someone who is incapable of making you feel treasured. Who is incapable of satisfying you physically. You realize you've wasted years… years on end with someone who was in it for themselves… and you feel jipped. You long for what you never got with someone who will love you with their whole heart, body and soul… and for now it only exists in your dreams.<br />
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"Yeah…" He nodded. "I can see that. You shouldn't settle. The guy should want to make you happy, to please you and figure out what he needs to do to do that. He shouldn't be just focused on himself. He should be a giver… because if he's pleasing you… he will be pleased." He shrugged… "That's just the way it works." He said simply.<br />
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"You are such the sexpert…" I giggled, playfully swatting his arm. "You should write a book."<br />
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He grinned. "I'm working on one. Hey… I'm no saint. I've been around the block a few times. But I can tell you I want the next woman, my wife, to be my last. And pleasing her is not just my job but my pleasure." He glanced at the time on the clock… "What time do you need to get back?"<br />
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I glanced at the time. "I better get going. I promised my mom I'd be home soon. Were gonna watch a Hallmark movie." I smiled.<br />
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He nodded, smiled and opened his door, slipping out. Holding the passenger door open a crack he spoke. "Enjoy your movie… IHOP again?" He asked, his eyes twinkling in the dark at me.<br />
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I nodded. "Most definitely. I'll text you." I told him.<br />
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"Okay… bye, beautiful" He smiled and shut the door. I turned the key in the ignition and watched him walk away in the moonlight to his vehicle before I drove away.<br />
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Sex with a narcissistic sociopath is one-sided no doubt. It's not about a mutually satisfying emotional, physical and even spiritual connection with someone they love. A man or woman with a personality disorder views sex as all about them.<br />
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When someone is healthy they not only value their partner but they value wanting to please them, value wanting to find out what makes them tick, what satisfies, what is romantic, what is a turn on for them. Both partners should have respect for one another… intimacy cannot grow and thrive without it. Complete trust and and open honest communication is a must as well… being able to articulate exactly what you need is essential for couples to have the intimacy they have imagined having one day with the one they love. Holding back desires and needs, faking climax and the like are not conducive to having a close, intimate relationship that bonds two together.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Sadly, very often with a narcissistic sociopath the sound of silence in the bedroom is loud and clear, impossible to ignore. </span></b></div>
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The reason for this is due to the inability to effectively get what one needs from a personality disordered individual. You can say "I need x,y,z…" all night long but he or she isn't going to be willing to deliver. He or she will complain that "it takes too long, "takes too much effort", whatever myriad of excuses they can come up with. There isn't love emanating from the narc for the one their with. Instead it's a seeking of domination…. a sexual conquest powered by their ego needing a boost or even yikes (!) a quick way to release all their days, weeks, lifetime worth of frustrations and stress by using you. It's not about making love as God designed between a married man and woman. It's about control and only them. If you find yourself in a marriage where your partner (man or woman) is only about satisfying themselves and you're continually going without… at minimum new ways of communicating need to begin taking place. However, if you a woman experiencing signs of being with a narcissistic<span style="color: blue;"> <a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/11/you-may-be-wondering-if-hes-sociopath.html" target="_blank">man </a></span> or you're a man who suspects he may be married to a narcissistic <a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2015/01/is-she-sociopath-20-signs.html" target="_blank">woman</a>… it's time to seek help… through a therapist you can begin developing an exit plan.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: rgb(255 , 255 , 255); font-size: xx-small;">To My Readers: </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: rgb(255 , 255 , 255); font-size: xx-small;">Thank you for reading, </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: rgb(255 , 255 , 255); font-size: xx-small;">commenting and sharing! </span></span></div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-83098374083768361772016-05-14T06:48:00.002-07:002016-05-14T06:48:58.938-07:00The Epidemic Of Narcissism Cashiers Deal With<div>
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With so many posts on narcissists and sociopaths it's only fitting that at some point the general rudeness and self-entitlement that is seen in today's society be addressed. Especially when it comes to the world of retail. Having any job that involves customer service may very well mean also being exposed to a variety of toxic behaviors by those who believe themselves to be superior on some level or another. In case you're not aware you're not any better than the person standing behind the register, taking your food order or helping you with your account. One of the biggest signs of sociopathy is treating those in the service industry as less than; with behaviors that demean and show dismissiveness. (If you're dating someone who exhibits these behaviors it's past time to cut ties with them). Hopefully you won't realize you've been guilty of any of these… if so you have the ability to become more self aware… and if you've been on the receiving end of any… you have my deepest and sincerest heartfelt empathy. </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>What Your Cashier Thinks:</b> </span></div>
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1. Please finish all of your shopping before you check out. It's rude to expect everyone in line (and the cashier) to wait while you play "I pick you" amongst the various items in your cart at the checkout. That's why shopping is called shopping and checking out is called checking out. </div>
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2. Having to void an item out that you've changed your mind about can be a big deal. It can go against the employee. Please know exactly what you plan to purchase before your cashier begins ringing up your items. </div>
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3. Rolling up with a hundred dollar bill at 9 am for a three dollar purchase is not cool. And no, your cashier likely doesn't have change in the register drawer. Expect to wait for your change. </div>
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4. You chronically return everything you buy… or 80-90% of what you buy. Your cashier is not amused. They think you're inept at shopping… and you shop too much. Find a new hobby. </div>
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5. Cashiers love it when you bring your own bags… it saves the environment. Just please make sure they are clean. </div>
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6. Not everything you purchase should be returned. That platter for your sister's baby shower you served cup cakes on and has frosting stuck to it? If you've used it and then you return it… that's called stealing(!). Cashiers notice. And remember you. </div>
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7. Returning a used toilet bowl brush set? Really? Does this need further explanation? </div>
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8. Don't ask when your cashiers shift ends. Don't be a creep. </div>
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9. Don't flirt with the cashier if you're married. Don't flirt period. </div>
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10. When your cashier greets you and asks how you're doing and you ignore them... you're rude. </div>
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11. When you stay on your cell phone during the entire transaction and never acknowledge your cashier (note: cashiers are humans with feelings... shocking, I know) they think you're some of the lowest of society.</div>
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12. When your cashier asks if you found everything alright, offers a promotional item, a credit card or savings card please don't be rude. This is often expected at every transaction by management and if they don't meet the expected quota they can lose their job. </div>
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13. Please teach your children to stay seated in the cart. When your child attempts to leap from the cart, hang out like a monkey, etc… it makes cashiers extremely nervous. Yes, kids do fall from shopping carts. It's scary. </div>
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14. If your cashier offers a cookie, a ring, sticker, etc to your child please teach them to say "Thank you". When you don't cashiers see a continual future decline of society. </div>
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15. Do not wipe your drippy nose with your hands, tissue etc and then reach in your wallet to hand them cash. You're gross. Period. </div>
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16. Do not sneeze or cough on the cashier. This is about basic manners. Use the crook of your arm to sneeze and cough into and turn your head away. They don't want your cold. </div>
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17. Don't leave your shopping cart at the register when you leave. Your parents should have taught you to put things back where you got them. Learn it now. Follow it. </div>
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18. Do not give your children items in the store to play with that are for sale. You're failing your kids (teaching self-entitlement) and costing everyone money when it gets damaged. Bring something from home for them to entertain themselves with. </div>
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19. Do not crowd the person at the checkout. It's rude to both the person checking out and the cashier who then feels pressured to hurry more. Be mindful of other's space. </div>
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20. If you don't want your items wrapped and bagged that's fine. But if they break don't blame your cashier.</div>
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21. When your cashier is going to the effort to ensure all your items are wrapped well please refrain from sighing, tapping your fingers, rolling your eyes and checking the time on your watch. It's rude. </div>
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22. Please don't ever say: "I don't know how you don't spend all of your paycheck here! There are so many cute things!" You just dropped $50-$1500 on decorative stuff, clothes, bath products, etc. Cashiers are likely making $9 an hour… at part-time that's at most $200 a week (if lucky). How much of that do you think they are gonna blow on frivolous shopping? Your "innocent" comment is rude and insensitive. It's time to get a clue and come on down to earth. Cashiers are often the divorced mom, single mother, second income earner… be aware that likely every penny counts. </div>
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23. Cashiers want you to have a good experience when you shop. Please do the survey on your receipt and let them know you appreciate them. Many companies give extra perks whether it's gift cards, bonuses, lunch, etc to reward their employees for positive feedback. It's always appreciated. </div>
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24. Some companies occasionally ask their customers to donate to charities they are supporting. Cashiers understand if you feel charity should be done at discretion and not publicly or announced. They can see your point but please don't take it out on the cashier… cashiers are expected to ask each and every customer. </div>
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25. Do not toss your credit card at the cashier. Or your money. Be respectful. </div>
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26. Cashiers run a register not a bank. They typically cannot make change for you. </div>
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27. Cashiers are not responsible for watching your purse, wallet, sunglasses, kids, keys, phone etc. When you walk away it's your responsibility to make sure you have all your things and peeps. </div>
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28. Your item doesn't have a price, doesn't ring up properly or at all. You: "It's free then!" Eye roll. Cashiers have already heard that one twenty times in one week. It lost it's humor way back. </div>
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29. The cashier offers you the opportunity to apply for a store credit card. You say: "Oh no! My husband would KILL me!!" (cashiers hear this all the time) Um... okay. Awkward. This response needs to stop. First, if you're in a controlling marriage please seek help. Being a kept woman is not attractive nor sending your sons and daughters a positive message. This is 2016. Secondly, women need to stop saying things that are not self-empowering. Your husband is not your keeper. You're a grown adult. Not a dependent child. If YOU don't want a credit card simply state so. If you're in a relationship where your husband resembles an ogre, again... please seek help. </div>
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30. When your cashier has bagged your items please promptly take them and put them in your cart. Letting the bag remain on the counter (in the way) while they try to finish bagging remaining items and/or wrap them is annoying to the cashier. Be in the moment. The sooner your cashier can finish the sooner you can be on your way.</div>
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31. Your cashier is there to greet you, ring up your items, wrap them if necessary, bag them, ensure you get your receipt and thank you. It's a pretty simple process. Niceties are a necessity yes, but also efficiency. Likely they have a line of customers waiting... and don't have the time to hear your life story. </div>
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32. You have multiple returns with multiple receipts. And guess what? You don't know which items go with which receipts. Way to go! You hand the cashier a whole mess of crumpled receipts and expect them to sort it all out. (You don't even want to know your cashiers mental narrative in this moment). This takes time away from the other customers; namely, paying customers. Your self-entitlement is glaringly obvious. Sort out your mess at home and be prepared when you make returns. </div>
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33. There is a difference between a breezy/friendly asking of "How are you?" to your cashier and a "How are you?" with a tone attached that implies you're picking a fight and want to cause trouble. Move along and get a life. </div>
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34. Your cashier hands you your receipt at the end of the transaction and you don't take it. Take the receipt! If you want it in your shopping bag take it from the cashier and put it in your bag. Alternatively you SNATCH(!) the receipt from the cashier because you're a passive aggressive creep. </div>
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35. If you're a woman shopping with your husband and he expects the female staff to load a heavy piece of furniture into his truck... news flash; you're married to a pathetic piece of scum. That's not a man. A man steps up and puts his muscles to work!<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 </span></span><br />
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-15468894565530574992016-04-30T09:23:00.002-07:002016-04-30T10:05:55.633-07:00Broken Hearted: An Example Of Co-Parenting With A Toxic Ex<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i style="font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #999999; font-size: xx-small;">“Multiple Fracture At Index,little Finger,metacarpal Bone” </span></i></div>
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<i style="font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #999999; font-size: xx-small;">by stockdevil via FreeDigitalPhotos.net </span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">April 2016</span></div>
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<b>Thursday April 21 </b><br>
<b>3:45pm </b><br>
"Okay, so I'm looking at the x-ray and her fingers not broken. But I'm going to give her this buddy tape to keep her pinkie stabilized with her ring finger. Keep this on for three weeks. No more basketball… no gym or sports. And in three weeks we will want to see her back here for a follow-up." The Pediatrician told me regarding my daughter. I nodded and confirmed I understood the directions and we soon departed the doctor's office and headed to Target to pick up essentials for dinner.<br>
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<b>5:33pm </b><br>
Sent message to ex stating daughter's left pinkie finger got bent playing basketball at school. Stated it was swollen and bruised and had been treated with ice and Advil. Stated she had had x-rays and they recommended her finger be buddy taped for three weeks. No response.<br>
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<b>Friday April 22 </b><br>
<b>3:00pm</b><br>
Daughter returns to her father for the week.<br>
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<b>Saturday April 23 </b><br>
<b>10:00am</b><br>
Pediatrician's office calls that her finger is broken after all and that they will be referring us to an Ortho doctor for further treatment.<br>
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<b>11:07am</b><br>
Sent ex message that the Pediatrician's office called. No response. I call him and state the situation. I FaceTime our daughter that afternoon and tell her. He hadn't even mentioned it to her.<br>
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<b>Monday April 25</b><br>
<b>1:39pm</b><br>
Ex messages asking if I've heard from the doctor.<br>
I message back no I haven't.<br>
His response: She needs to get back in to the doctor, please let me know what you find out.<br>
My response: I'll call them.<br>
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<b>4:27pm</b><br>
I message him: Here is the number for the Ortho doctor. They have her file and all you need to do is set an appt. Since you have her this week you can set the appt since you know your schedule. No response.<br>
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<b>Tuesday April 26 </b><br>
<b>8:32am </b><br>
I message him to let me know what the doctor says.<br>
He responds he's called twice to arrange an appt but there has been no response.<br>
I respond: I gave them your number to set an appt.<br>
His response: If you talk to a doctor please set an appt.<br>
I respond: All I was able to reach on the phone was an answering service rep.<br>
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<b>Wednesday April 27 </b><br>
<b>4:51pm</b><br>
I send him a message asking if he ever got an appt set for her. No response.<br>
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<b>6:27pm </b><br>
He messages me that the doctors office called and said they could make an appt on Friday but I'll be out of town so I gave them your number and they can call you to schedule an appt.<br>
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<b>6:35pm</b><br>
I message him back noting his unavailability and failure to have made her a priority. Also that having that information he should have gone ahead and scheduled her an after school appt to ensure getting her in as soon as possible… but noting that now the doctor's office is closed.<br>
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<b><<<< a cussing rant-a-thon ensues by me in my kitchen as I process the fact he allowed an entire week to go by with her in his care/possession without getting her finger re-assessed… the frustration and worry for my daughter mounting… knowing we have a limited amount of time to get it taken care of and anger at him for being a negligent father.>>>></b></div>
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<b>Thursday April 28 </b><br>
<b>8:07am</b><br>
I first call the Pediatrician's office and speak with the nurse to ensure they are aware he did not follow through on his week and get her in to Ortho. They document it and the nurse states she doesn't understand what his issue is. I smirk at that. I then make a second call before work to set an appt for our daughter but I'm informed that all appointments have been filled and now there is nothing available until the following week on Tuesday at 9:30am.<br>
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<b>4:23pm</b><br>
After work I call a new doctor with better availability (and easier to reach) and get an Ortho appointment set for our daughter for the next day; Friday afternoon. I call my manager at work to inform her that unfortunately I will have to leave work early the following day to get my daughter in to the doctor. I had already had to lose one day's worth of pay because my garage door had broken earlier that week and I couldn't get out. It wasn't like me to have to miss work… I work even when I'm sick if need be. I apologize for the inconvenience and she states she knows it's been a bad week and that it's okay.<br>
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<b>Friday April 29 </b><br>
<b>8:16am </b><br>
Messaged ex and stated her appt time at 1:15pm that day.<br>
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<b>11:00am </b><br>
I leave work early and lose hours/pay and rush to pick daughter up early from school and then to retrieve the x-rays from the Pediatrician's office en-route to the Ortho doctor. Once at the doctor he takes new x-rays and recommends it remain buddy taped for at least two more weeks and to set a follow-up appointment.<br>
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Daughter informs me every day she asked her dad when she was going back to the doctor. He continued to tell her that he had called the doctor's office. Then on Thursday he told her that he wouldn't be able to take her to the doctor after all because he was leaving for London to meet his fiancé who had flown ahead; that they were planning to see her daughter's communion once there. She told me he had chosen to put Georgina's daughter ahead of her and that he didn't care about her finger or her. She stated that in any other situation especially regarding her brother he would take charge and done whatever he needed to but when it came to her he didn't care.<br>
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<b>This is a typical example of how a narcissistic sociopath operates and lets us down. It's also a typical example of how frustrating it is to attempt to co-parent with a personality disordered individual… these types of scenarios are common for both sexes dealing with those who do not put their children's best interests first. They aren't reliable to those who are dependent upon them or counting on them to do the right thing. Children are always let down; namely if they are the black sheep. Children are chronically broken hearted knowing their parent doesn't love them… they see it by the actions shown to them. Life brings all sorts of obstacles and disasters both big and small… and yet the sociopath is unwilling to do anything but kick you when you're already down. You mean nothing to he or she and their cruelest behavior is highlighted when you always need them most. They will throw kinks in whatever you're trying to do to better a situation. They will switch loyalties like the wind. You're likely expecting them to behave or react as one should… with concise clear steps to help however they can, to jump in with hustle and to show empathy. </b><br>
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It won't happen.<br>
They will do everything in their power to make it worse.<br>
They will twist and spin and say it's your fault it didn't turn out how it should have.<br>
They will deflect and blame you instead.<br>
They will not take responsibility.<br>
They will not apologize.<br>
They will continue to be the sorry negligent abusive piece of scum they excel at being.<br>
Yes, it comes natural.<br>
It's all they know.<br>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 </span><br>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-65950236779764811312016-04-17T08:40:00.001-07:002016-04-19T07:16:35.516-07:00After A Sociopath: Giving Love A Chance<div style="text-align: center;">
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<i style="font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-size: xx-small;">“Young Tourist Couple Looking At The Views In The City” by nenetus via FreeDigitalPhotos.net </span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">March 2016 </span></div>
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I fiddled with my bracelets in hues of green, blue and turquoise gracing my right wrist. Seated on the brown leather couch I flashed a smile at my therapist taking a seat across from me. Wearing a navy v-neck silk blouse and black slacks I spoke "I'm good, thank you. It's been, um, an interesting past few weeks." I told her.</div>
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She smiled knowingly and nodded. "How is your daughter?" We chatted a few moments catching her up to date on her latest struggles with her father which was the primary reason for my sessions and then she asked. "So… are you still seeing the man you met?"</div>
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Hesitation… a big exhale and I glanced at her. "No, I'm not." I admitted.</div>
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She gave me a concerned look and spoke. "Why?"</div>
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"I told him I thought it best if we didn't pursue dating. I mean… "I trailed off. "He lives an hour away. The distance is an issue… just trying to get together is a struggle and it's not right of him to have to do all that driving. I mean… I'm just trying to be logical here… at some point we might decide to throw in the towel because it's too great a distance. We both have kids and shared custody… things like school and commutes factor in. I can't leave this county according to my divorce decree. That's reality. I just didn't want either one of us to be heartbroken later on, one or two years invested later... only to confirm that yes, the distance was an issue. You know what I mean?" I asked her for confirmation.</div>
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She nodded but gazed at me thoughtfully. "But you like him? A lot, I mean?" She asked.</div>
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I nodded. "Yes… I mean, we were in contact daily, multiple times a day… we just click. From what I can gather he's a good dad, our values appear similar, our personalities and humor mesh and he's thoughtful. I'm attracted to him. I find myself smiling like a jackass and yet he's very sweet. I haven't seen any red flags… I guess it's sad to admit, but I keep looking for them... scrutinizing. Not that there couldn't be red flags at some point... but as of now I really can't say enough good things about him. I'm being cautious but at some point isn't that a hindrance?" I ventured aloud thoughtfully.</div>
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She studied me carefully. "I see your concerns. I do… and I'm not going to let you believe otherwise… it WILL be an issue. The distance is going to be challenging no doubt. Because hypothetically long term? If it worked? I understand that you are merely trying to be mindful of the logistics. And that's very wise. But... if there is something there… a connection, maybe even love... " She trailed off and smiled... "Isn't it worth pursuing? Yes, you might get your heart broken… you might break his…" She admitted, "But what if it works out?" She asked me.</div>
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I nodded. "I've been second guessing my decision. I may have been too hasty. I've missed him this past week. A lot." I admitted. "He actually reached out to me today and said hello. I was glad he did. I had actually planned to but wanted to get some feedback from you on this… I'm struggling." I admitted.</div>
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She smiled. "Well… then… is there money? I mean, to make it work? That is if you both decided to at some point later on obviously? Because it may require two houses for awhile." She informed me.</div>
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I shrugged. "I have no idea to what extent. However… he did toss out the idea at some point that he could get a place here in town for the weeks he doesn't have his children so he'd be closer to me." </div>
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She raised her eyebrows with interest. "Did he? What did you say?" She inquired.</div>
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I exhaled. "I replied that I was flattered but that didn't make financial sense."</div>
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She peered at me over her glasses and raised an eyebrow. "You what? Oh dear… " She sighed.</div>
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I grimaced at her. "I know… later in hindsight I thought to myself… who am I to tell him how to spend his money? I mean, really? I shouldn't have done that. Yet my intentions were merely being practical." I confessed.</div>
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"I agree, you overstepped a boundary. I mean, that's really his place to decide that." She pointed out and I visibly winced. She spoke again with care. "But don't you realize what that means? Just that he threw that out there says a lot." She pointed out.</div>
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I ran my hands through my hair and bit my lip. "I know… but I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I feel guilt if he's doing all the driving." I told her.</div>
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She shook her head. "Obviously he doesn't see it that way." She peered at me over her glasses. "Don't you think that maybe he sees what a treasure you are, that you are more than worth it?" She asked kindly.</div>
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I shifted uncomfortably on the couch and tears sprang to my eyes "Okay... and yet I'm torn. I don't want to get duped again. And yet rationally the man's given me zero reason to believe I'm being duped. And yet in that… once you've been through this crazy stuff I've been through how fully can you really trust anyone? And yet I don't want to screw up by not giving someone a chance." I told her.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">I didn't need a re-run of what had happened with <a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/01/weak.html" target="_blank">Jeremy</a>. I couldn't do that twice. I'd risk getting hurt again over that… what happened with him nearly did me in. I didn't want to repeat history of a pain that was more unbearable than any other loss of a relationship. It was time to dive in again and take a chance at love. </span></div>
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I left my thoughts and returned to my conversation with her. "And I guess on some level I want easy. I don't want hard..." I trailed off and sighed."You have to understand... I am so tired. So, so, so incredibly tired." I paused and reflected. "I feel so much older than what I am. Childhood was hard, school was hard, my marriage was hard… my ex makes everything so hard regarding our daughter. I don't want love to be hard too… I mean, I guess I should clarify that and say I don't want to make it more complicated than it should or <b>has</b> to be. I guess that makes sense." I explained. </div>
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She nodded empathetically and gently spoke. "And I get that as well. Jennifer, you have been through a lot. And there will always be things to sort out… in this case it's distance… but if he's willing to help with the distance and you mesh that well… why not try?" She asked then gave me a pointed look. "It's merely dating him, that's all and seeing where it goes. It's ultimately up to you… but I would reach out to him and tell him you've been hasty. Just tell him what you told me." She stressed. </div>
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I grimaced. "He's going to think I'm a total flake." I lamented, feeling a little embarrassed.</div>
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She shook her head with a smile. "No. He won't. He will be thrilled. But ultimately it's up to you."</div>
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I knew the answer. I was going to reach out to him. I was going to take a chance. </div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">10 Ways To Know You Are Ready To Take A Chance On Love:</span></b> </div>
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1. Letting your walls come down. We can't let someone in to love us if we have barriers they cannot get past… we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable in sharing our thoughts, emotions, past, present, future, hopes, losses, fears, dreams, goals and even affection. </div>
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2. Realizing in the past you held people at arms length and </div>
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lost people who wanted to love you and not allowing that to happen again. </div>
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3. Acknowledging your past hurts and taking the knowledge you</div>
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have now to watch for signs of toxic behavior. </div>
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4. Knowing you have the power to choose. You have the power to choose and not be chosen. </div>
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5. You have the power to walk away only after you've truly given love a chance. </div>
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6. Negative generalizations of "all men are liars, cheats, users, etc" or "all women are liars, cheats and gold diggers etc" have been replaced with "Some people are capable of love and others aren't." </div>
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7. Deep down knowing you are worthy of a real love and are not unlovable. </div>
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8. Knowing you can make it on your own and are not confusing security and love. </div>
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9. Having friendships and goals other than finding love… having balance in your life. </div>
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10. Enjoying the fun in your relationship… relishing the new chapter you are in. </div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 </span></div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-9238046517190114272016-04-07T11:56:00.000-07:002016-04-07T12:00:35.934-07:00Divorce: 3 Lessons Learned<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>Divorce</b></span><br>
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Yes, it is a life changer. Anyone who has been through it knows that with it comes a complete upheaval of your life. But it doesn't have to be all bad. For both men and women it has it's challenges, no doubt but with those we can remember to cling to several lessons divorce teaches us.<br>
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<b>Lesson #1: </b></div>
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<b>Learn to trust yourself, your instincts and personal wisdom. </b></div>
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<b>Give yourself credit. </b></div>
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After divorce we become better at choosing what behaviors we will and won't put up with. When we go through a divorce, unless it was amicable more than likely there was a significant unhealthy dynamic between us and our soon to be ex. Maybe one person was a narcissist, even worse a sociopath… in that case the personality disordered individual was downright toxic to be married to. Anyone who has experienced the toxic abuse of an ex knows firsthand the challenges in coping with someone who isn't healthy. That being said… when it comes to implementing no contact with an ex who has proved time and time again through his or her actions that you shouldn't engage with them… that thinking may very well carry over into <b>other relationships</b> as well. When I was invited to a reunion a few years ago, I declined going. One relative in particular was up in arms about it, attempting the guilt trip routine but I stood firm. Even my sister voiced her concerns I wasn't attending it. It wasn't until after she had fought highway construction, the added stress of finding an area she wasn't familiar with and terrible late night traffic with her young children in tow going and coming back to attend said reunion did she text me later that night saying I'd made the right choice and in hindsight she wish she'd declined as I had. There was zero ill will towards these relatives… it's just that jumping through hoops and giving of your time to be with folks who then behave indifferently isn't healthy. I had empathy for her, saw her effort and desire for a different outcome yet had known it wouldn't go well based on past actions. Just because we don't wish to engage with others doesn't mean we can't wish them well. We often learn to re-evaluate and value our time, our needs and wants more after giving too much to the wrong people. Tapping into our instincts we have about others is something we certainly have the right to and should do. Trust your gut. Forming boundaries with others is essential and not swaying when we shouldn't is even more vital. Divorce helps us become stronger, to say no more often and when needed, to take more initiative in our life as the captain of our own ship… we are fully capable of making the decision of who stays on board and who doesn't.<br>
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<b>Lesson #2: </b></div>
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<b>Be the parent you always wanted to be and make your child's</b></div>
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<b> remaining childhood the best you can. </b><br>
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After divorce we certainly have the opportunity to become better parents. If we had children during the course of our marriage we know if the union wasn't great that tension may have trickled into our parenting as well. Stress, anxiety, walking on eggshells from a toxic spouse may have left us snapping at our children or merely wanting to just zone out on the couch to decompress. Since being divorced I feel more relaxed in my parenting… meaning less stressed out. Once were single and rid of all the stress that we experienced before we may surprisingly and pleasantly find ourselves calmer and more connected with our children. Having more energy now that isn't expended on trying to calm or tip toe around an abusive/indifferent spouse leaves us with much more for our children. Creating a more peaceful environment for our children and having that extra energy for play means more opportunities to connect and have fun which translates to a happier, more well adjusted, nurtured child. At the end of the day children don't really care about living in the bigger house, having the nicer car or wearing the designer clothes… what they want are the three things money can't buy… their parents time, attention and love.<br>
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<b>Lesson #3: </b><br>
<b>Say goodbye to negative thinking patterns that do nothing but make you feel trapped. </b><br>
<b>You hold the power to new thinking. </b><br>
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Several times during the course of my divorce and in it's aftermath of finalization I began sinking into what I'd call catastrophic thinking. No one could really blame anyone for going into this negative mindset regarding divorce… there are many days we literally feel like we won't make it another day much less another hour. It's so incredibly easy for depression to set in… especially if were already prone to it due to family history, ADHD, etc. Catastrophic thinking is comparable to quick sand… you dip your toe in with one or a few bad self-defeating thoughts and before you know it… yikes, you're full blown drowning in that mess… and it's harder than heck to get yourself out of it once you're in it. </div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Catastrophic thinking is the false idea that:</span></b></div>
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"IT WON'T EVER GET BETTER!", "I CAN'T DO THIS!", "I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FINANCIALLY SUPPORT MYSELF!", and "I'LL NEVER MEET ANYONE!", "NO ONE WILL WANT ME NOW!!", "I NO LONGER HAVE A TRADITIONAL FAMILY!", "WHAT AM I GONNA DOOOOOOO?!", "MY LIFE IS OVER!!!", "I WON'T EVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD OUTBACK AGAIN!" (If you're addicted to Bloomin Onions you know that's a true concern). But, seriously, deep breaths… it's no wonder you're perhaps thinking like this… you're going through a MAJOR LIFE CHANGE and that can send us into a spiral, to begin having panic attacks and needing reassurance that it's all going to be okay. I'm here to tell you today: </div>
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;"> IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. </span></b></div>
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Yeah, you might need to readjust the finances… more than likely you aren't going to be living at the same level you were. But you are still here. Deep breath. God is not done with you… you are here and when you can't take another step He will renew your strength to power on. You might need to frequent the Dollar store for your kids to have activities to do. You might need to live off canned chicken and dollar bread for awhile… mayonnaise and parmesan cheese might become luxury items. You might need to go without buying any new clothes for a year. Or two. Or three. You may have to sell items from your old life to pay for things you need in your new life. You may have a Birkin from your old life and yet be eating ramen noodles. It happens. </div>
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Yes, you will meet new people… you're going to be pleasantly surprised when God puts certain people along your path that have been through similar trials… and who knows… you may meet someone who sings a song your sweet heart knows and even better… fall in love with him or her and share a new life you are both blessed to live. </div>
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The next time catastrophic thinking knocks at your door… realize that's a conversation the devil wants to engage you in… it's a talk that goes nowhere but down and takes you with it. Rebuke those negative thoughts and remember that nothing remains exactly the same… were all in motion… even in tiny steps… were all moving forward and circumstances that seem hopeless today will change and improve bit by bit. God has you and even in the darkest days He is there. </div>
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You aren't worth less because divorce has caused your life to change. The things you can and cannot do don't define you. Your faith, your courage in the midst of uncertainty and pressing on… being there for your children and taking care of yourself so they have the best mommy or daddy possible<b> is what matters. </b>Your perspective will shift. Those fancy pillows at Pottery Barn won't seem so important… that gotta have it piece of jewelry at Macy's won't be a priority… divorce forces us to get back to basics… to making popsicles for our kids, playing tic-tac-toe and reading outside on a blanket under a shade tree. Hug your children and remember more than ever they need you right now… that's why it is so important to practice self care during and even in the aftermath of divorce. Make sure you're getting plenty of sleep, (nap if you need to) take your medications regularly as prescribed, pray, exercise, take Vitamin D, eat as healthy as possible and take time for yourself… sports, movies, whatever helps you decompress… reading, bubble bath, funny sitcoms, crafting, gardening, journaling, etc. If you believe you are depressed seek the help of your doctor in finding a medication that would best suit you… have your Vitamin D levels checked and make sure you have a support system in place of people that know and understand what you're going through. Check out DivorceCare at a local church if you're not already a member… it's extremely helpful to find people who will share their faith and similar circumstances for support and fellowship. </div>
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Divorce is a life changer no doubt. </div>
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But one of the best things about it is now you are the leading lady or man. </div>
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Not your ex husband. </div>
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Not your ex wife. </div>
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Not your ex-mother in law.</div>
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<b>It's your time now.</b><br>
<b>It's your time to dive into who you were destined to be… </b><br>
<b>It's a new beginning… </b><br>
<b>Be brave… </b><br>
<b>Take God by the hand and jump in. </b><br>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 </span><br>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-25213492080631867362016-03-24T16:12:00.002-07:002016-03-24T16:12:20.814-07:00The Narcissistic Parent ~ Guiding Your Child: 10 Tips<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">As the child of a narcissist…</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">You grow up feeling unheard.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">You grow up feeling unseen.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">You grow up feeling forgotten.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">You grow up feeling not wanted.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">You grow up feeling not loved.</span></b><br />
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<br />
I lived like this most of my childhood when it came to my father.<br />
If it hadn't been for my mother's empathetic example I don't know what would have become of me.<br />
I likely would have taken after my father; being led to believe that everyone operated as he did… because I wouldn't have had any other point of reference. <br />
<br />
I scrutinize and reflect and second guess myself constantly. Having ADHD I do believe can sometimes make someone come across as narcissistic even if they aren't. If we forget our appointments (shocking) and always have to reschedule (ugh!) it can begin to be viewed as narcissistic; no regard for the doctor, the dentist, the therapist, right?!… when in reality we feel deep guilt, embarrassment and give ourselves another mental scolding! You've GOT to do better! Get it together! What is the MATTER with you?! Having issues regarding regulating our impulses in the brain goes with ADHD; creating issues for us when we really want to let someone have it verbally… who has probably pushed us to our breaking point and driven us batty. Sometimes it's like pulling nails to keep a lid on it so to speak. And when it slips (watch out, yikes) it can make us appear narcissistic; "Wow! She said what?!", "He did what?! Well, I don't know what's gotten into them! Obviously they aren't the 'nice' person I THOUGHT they were!" But ADHD is not a diagnosis of being morally flawed, lacking empathy etc. It's about restlessness, difficulty focusing and impulse issues. Naturally anyone diagnosed with ADHD or even Bipolar could <b>also</b> be diagnosed as personality disordered. But having ADHD or Bipolar <b>does not </b>automatically mean you're narcissistic. Having ADHD requires a lot of self care and time to re-charge because quite frankly if we aren't medicated… it's at minimum <b>three times </b>more exhausting just to get through a typical day compared to regular functioning folks. Throw in trying to keep a job, (<b>and</b> being right with Jesus, mind you) navigating traffic (does anyone use a blinker anymore? And why do some people believe the brake is gas?! And obviously some people never learned in kinder that green means GO!) and then all the little annoying things that always seem to get forgotten like mailing your health insurance payment, calling the doctor for that appointment and getting your sticker updated on your vehicle (I literally told a cop once innocently but honestly enough: "Well, Officer, I'm really sorry. I've been super busy and it totally slipped my mind." Him: "For SIX MONTHS??? You were busy for SIX MONTHS?!" Ummm, yes I was, I really don't know where the time went… ***bright red face and wanting to shrink into the seat*** (Welcome to the world of ADHD) … it's like pulling nails for most of us to just make it day to day sans medication… we don't have enough focus to put it on anything for more than two seconds.<br />
<br />
<br />
It seems to go with the territory of having been raised by a narcissist that you're suspected of being one. And were raised to be on our own so to speak… you learn from a young age to be self-reliant, to "figure it out", and not ask for help. With a narcissist help is never free. You always pay later. So you learn not to receive help. Not to ask. Then you feel like an island. Alone. You so badly don't want to become what you knew growing up that you're at times fearful; questioning if maybe you don't have enough empathy… you may begin to feel like you are selfish, defective and unlovable… throw in the fact that with the PTSD you can often feel emotionally numb… you've been through so much that the sweet emotions of happiness and joy just don't seem as happy and joyful as they should (or as they did once upon a time). Instead joy and happiness feel more subdued versus vibrant… more like when you're coming out of anesthesia and melancholy is your name… a fuzzy, quiet, sober thoughtfulness that cascades over joy and dampens it a bit.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">But the thing is…</span></b> those who are willing and ready to seek therapy are very often the ones who often take the brunt of the blame for any problems they might have; including those in their relationships. The narcissist, however is the one who believes therapy is for everyone but them. They may initially go to "appease" their partner but at some point the therapy will be for the healthy one… the one who has self-reflection, who has empathy, who has a desire to grow and develop. The healthy one will ultimately enter therapy to figure out how to "deal" with the narcissist. In a healthy relationship there is the mutual sharing of ideas, celebrations, dreams, joys, losses, goals, problems to resolve, etc. But in a relationship where one individual is narcissistic the only person of importance is the narc. The non-narcissist was raised to always cater to their narcissistic parent… thus they have been trained to always put what their partner wants first… essentially disappearing in the relationship; they dance around the narcissist losing who they are as an individual. The non-narcissist tends to have difficulty setting boundaries and being assertive… or at least until it's so bad that they explode… then feel enormous guilt for "losing it" when in reality they finally set a long overdue boundary that many would have set initially way back. There is much inner turmoil and conflict within the non-narcissist because they have anger toward the narc who is always taking and taking… yet on some level the non-narc is frustrated and angry with themselves because the last thing they ever want to be characterized as is selfish… hence not setting boundaries so as not to be seen as "mean."<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Growing up with a narcissist… </span></b>it's like this odd dance of where you waffle between being given negative attention; being yelled at etc, and just being ignored… neglect happens a lot. There is little to no positivity… and if there is… it feels put on and not genuine. They may use their children to brag to others and or take credit for their accomplishments. Being heard doesn't happen in being the child of a narcissist. I grew up never feeling heard and if I was ever upset about anything I was told by my father I was behaving as "high strung." If there is more than one child surely one will be chosen as the golden child and another the black sheep. The golden child is viewed as one who can do no wrong and likely to follow in the narcissistic parent's footsteps. They are an extension of the narc's identity and give adoring supply to their ego. Unless you do something to get yourself knocked off the pedestal… like being the eldest, the willful one, the outspoken one. I was once upon a time the golden child but as I became older and realized how I was being used to puff up my father's ego I slowly began showing more and more disgust for him, openly challenging and questioning him and his actions. I rebelled. Not knowing what to do with me he was at his wits end… he turned to my youngest sister and soon she became the revered golden child instead and I… the black sheep. But he used her… bragging to acquaintances that he was paying for her to attend the local expensive four year christian university to assuage his fragile ego. After she passed away he slowly began realizing all he had was me… (that must have been a huge disappointment) as he had disowned my middle sister when she married. Me, the black sheep suddenly looked like all the supply he would be able to attain. How he would have to "settle". But I saw how I was still not being treated well. I could sell a painting as quickly as I could snap my fingers… and yet when I put my hand out for my commission suddenly he was busy, MIA, what have you… "I'll get it for you later…" came his reply. And yet later never came. Finally having had enough I pulled out of the family business and said goodbye to everything my family had built for generations. Sometimes having to say goodbye isn't an overnight decision. Sometimes it's made many many times… you say goodbye and then try again… only to realize that goodbye was the right choice.. again… time passes and then you dip your toe in AGAIN… (it's that fervent hope that your family will exude a healthy love time and time again) <b>it can take years, maybe decades </b>to disentangle yourself from the toxic web of family and realize that every time you go back you get stung again… and eventually say enough and never ever return.<br />
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March 2016 </div>
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names have been omitted in this post </div>
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<span style="color: #666666;">******************</span></div>
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"So he was making us go on a walk and I didn't want to go because we were dog sitting and that neighbors dog was going to jump all over me and I don't like that so I told Daddy no, I wasn't going. I wanted to stay in my room." My daughter confided in me regarding her dad as we sat in the den. The partially open plantation shutters to our right revealed a setting sun with streaks of orange and grey. The scent of parmesan and herb crusted chicken and potatoes baking in the oven filtered throughout the house.<br />
<br />
"Ummm… okay… so what did he say?" I asked her.<br />
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"He said 'tough!' and then he walked outside and I got so angry I called him a bad word." She told me.<br />
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I sighed and grimaced. Great. Just great. "What did you call him?" I asked her wearily.<br />
<br />
Silence. Finally she spoke "The A word. I called him it three times." She told me.<br />
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I rubbed my temples to stave off a headache coming on "Oh my gosh… you <b>cannot</b> call him bad words. Do you understand me?" I asked her calmly but sternly.<br />
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She stared at me and nodded "Okay. But he made me so mad!" She exclaimed.<br />
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"Ok…" I exhaled… "I totally understand that. I get that you were mad. That is something we will talk about and you need to talk to God about. But you can't go around calling him names. You can tell him <b>why</b> you're mad but you can't say bad words. You have to be respectful." I explained to her.<br />
<br />
"B-but…" She stammered with exasperation then angrily continued, "He doesn't listen to me! He NEVER listens to me! If I tell him how I feel he just says 'tough!' or his favorite thing to say 'it's fine!' He doesn't care what I think!" She told me forcefully. This I knew to be true based on his continued actions in how he treated her. But I kept my thoughts to myself. No, he doesn't give a rat's rear what you think, I thought to myself.<br />
<br />
"So what did he do? Did he hear you calling him a bad word?" I asked her.<br />
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She nodded "Oh, yeah… he came running back in the house and was so mad! He was like 'Young lady, you go to your room right now!' and he took my phone away from me. Which I knew he'd do." She shrugged like she didn't care. I listened intently… I saw the signs… she was beyond sick of him and how he treated her. "I told him I want to spend more time with you… that I want to be at mommy's more. I wrote him a letter telling him that. He didn't read it till the next day. And even then he didn't say anything. Basically, he doesn't care!" She added with a snip.<br />
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<span style="color: #666666;">******************</span></div>
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<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Oh how the past re-plays itself</span>…</b> slightly different and yet all too familiar and painful. It was my childhood all over again… not being heard, not being seen, one sibling being favored over another; in her case her brother being the golden child and she the black sheep. It was like a re-run of a terribly bad movie and all you could do sit and watch it play out and hope for eventual change… meaning escape for her… Oh how liberating to grow up and finally be able to tell your narcissistic parent: "No more", "I'm done", and "Goodbye" at best although many other words came to mind. The narcissistic parent isn't capable of love… only control, manipulation, deceit… ultimately making people suffer because they don't want to be around them anymore and yet… their stuck if only temporarily.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">So what do we do? </span></b>How can we guide our children through their experiences with the narcissistic parent and be there for them WITHOUT negatively speaking about said narc? It's entirely possible and absolutely necessary.<br />
<br />
<b><u><span style="font-size: x-large;">10 TIPS:</span></u></b><br />
<br />
<b>1.</b> Ask your child how he or she feels.<br />
<b>2.</b> Listen.<br />
<b>3.</b> Confirm that yes, they do have a right to feel angry.<br />
<b>4.</b> Also point out that anger often follows hurt, sadness, etc. Ask about those feelings.<br />
<b>5.</b> Point out behaviors that are absolutely not acceptable for ANYONE; lying, twisting, spinning the truth, etc. Also hurting others feelings by not listening, not giving attention, etc.<br />
<b>6.</b> Remember to affirm that anger in itself is not a bad thing. Anger actually gives us signals that a wrong has occurred and something needs to change. But do remind them that anger can become sin in how we show it and act on it.<br />
<b>7.</b> Encourage your child to also talk to God about his or her feelings regarding their narcissistic parent. Remind them that they can pray about the relationship and offer to hold their hand and pray with them.<br />
8. Encourage your child to write down what is bothering them. Keep a journal handy by their bed so they can jot down anything that goes on in the narcissistic parents home that upsets them.<br />
<b>9. </b>If possible get your child in therapy with an experienced therapist.<br />
<b>10.</b> Remind your child that they are loved by you… and show that selfless love by your actions.<br />
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-63644891448794055092016-03-18T12:48:00.001-07:002016-03-18T12:56:26.748-07:00Leaving An Abusive Partner: 30 Tips For An Exit Plan<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #999999; font-family: "noto sans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">“Unhappy Young Woman” by David Castillo Dominici </span></div>
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<span style="color: #999999; font-family: "noto sans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">via FreeDigitalPhotos.net </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">October 2015 </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I checked my iPhone upon hearing the ping and saw it was yet another text from the guy I was dating. He was letting me know that he had purchased tickets to see Puscifer at the Majestic in Dallas in November and wanted me to join him. I wasn't familiar with the band but he shared with me it's connection to Tool which I was vaguely familiar with. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Him sending me the lyrics to his favorite song I read them with pause… </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial";">I am just a worthless liar.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; line-height: 19px;">I am just an imbecile.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; line-height: 19px;">I will only complicate you.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; line-height: 19px;">Trust in me and fall as well.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; line-height: 19px;">I will find a center in you.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; line-height: 19px;">I will chew it up and leave,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; line-height: 19px;">I will work to elevate you</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; line-height: 19px;">Just enough to bring you down.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; line-height: 19px;">- Tool </span></div>
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<b>Was this not what was to come?</b> </div>
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<b>Was this not precisely how a sociopath worked? </b></div>
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<b>To elevate you just enough to bring you down? </b></div>
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<b>Was this the past about to happen yet again?</b></div>
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<b>Was this not the opposite of love? </b></div>
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<b>Was this the self-hatred of a personality disordered individual </b></div>
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<b>used in fueling their agenda to destroy? </b></div>
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Those lyrics summed up so</div>
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much in such a small space. </div>
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Eight simple yet intricate lines that wrought</div>
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growingly complicated pain. </div>
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Yes, in the end it proved to be true and certainly </div>
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what came in my last relationship and my marriage. </div>
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A narcissistic sociopath is capable of many things… lying, cheating, abuse, stalking… and yes, even in some extremes, the <b>most dangerous</b> on the spectrum of disorder; <b>a psychopath who is capable of murder</b>… think Ted Bundy. Sociopaths and psychopaths both disregard the law, morals, the needs of others, guilt and remorse… charm, manipulation and entitlement run rampant with these toxic personality disordered individuals. </div>
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<span style="line-height: 26px;"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">“Let’s say I committed this crime, even if I did, it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?"</span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 26px;"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">- O.J. Simpson</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="line-height: 26px;"><b>Abuse and murder is not love. </b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="line-height: 26px;">An abuser believes he (or she) is not complete without the other person, that they cannot survive without them. "If I can't have you no one will have you." They adhere to jealousy and control; believing that being a man means having total and complete control and compliance from their partner. An abuser thinks rigidly and is not able to see other's points of view; they are right and unable to see gray areas; compromising and discussion is not done.</span></span></div>
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When a psychopath takes someone's life they may try to plead insanity. But we know that this couldn't be further from the truth. To be considered legally insane one must not know the crime or murder they are committing is illegal. Psychopaths however KNOW they are committing an act that is illegal. The fact of the matter is: <b>they don't care.</b> They lack remorse. They lack guilt. They lack shame. This is willful blatant sin. </div>
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This post is for those who need an exit plan to leave an toxic partner. Women are typically not as physically strong as men… when we watch the news each night we see countless women who are being murdered merely because their spouse or soon to be ex-spouse decided they would inflict further control and prevent them from leaving…. thus killing them. The fact is… women are at their highest risks of being murdered during two times in their life:<br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><b>1) being pregnant </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><b>2) leaving an abusive relationship</b></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><b>More than 90 percent of women murdered by men are killed by someone they know.</b> <a href="http://www.vpc.org/revealing-the-impacts-of-gun-violence/female-homicide-victimization-by-males/" target="_blank">source</a></span></div>
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The fact that women are being robbed of a new chapter, a chance of real happiness, health and peace… that they are prevented from regaining their freedom from a toxic relationship and even losing their ability to raise their children should outrage not just women but men as well. These women are someone's daughter, sister, niece, etc. These women are valuable, precious people that deserve to live a life free of ugly words, emotional manipulation and physical abuse.<br />
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<b>Yet there are men who are abused by their partners as well… often these men continue to "take" the abuse because they would never dream of hitting a female back (even in self defense)… so they stay, hoping for change or escape. Often people say domestic violence could <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BC3XC2hAfTk/" target="_blank">never</a> happen to men. But that's not true. <span style="color: #741b47;"> </span></b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">No one deserves to live a life like that; </span></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">male or female. </span></span></b></div>
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<b>Specifically, statistics show that the vast majority of murders of women are by men they intimately know. Regardless, this post of tips can be applied to men as well wanting to escape an abusive marriage or relationship.</b><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><u>30 Tips For An Exit Plan:</u></span></b><br />
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1. Document, document, document; it can't be stated enough. Journals, (with dates) texts, (screenshots printed) emails, recordings, photos, etc. Stash them in a safe deposit box (choose a bank you don't normally use) a trusted family member or friend has access to.<br />
2. Have a safe place to go; a friends home, family members, local women's shelter, etc.<br />
3. Always be ready; keep your vehicle fueled, backed in or pulled into the parking space ahead, keep an extra set of car keys somewhere safe; with a trusted person or the safe deposit box. Staying in your home isn't wise, it's best to find a new location; if you choose to stay in your home at minimum change the locks and install cameras. Get a security system. Use it diligently.<br />
4. Have cash set aside and in a safe place. Don't use bank accounts; they can be traced.<br />
5. Always have a hard copy of trusted people's phone numbers and addresses.<br />
6. Utilize the lock on your cell phone.<br />
7. Have a bag of clothes; hoodie, cap, scarf and essentials; toothbrush/paste, feminine products, medicine, etc hidden in your vehicle or stashed with a trusted friend/family.<br />
8. Keep all important documents for you and your children; papers like a passport, marriage license, medical records, taxes, car title, birth certificates, bank account information, social security cards, etc in a safe deposit box.<br />
9. Take all precious photos and things of sentimental value; scrapbooks, albums, special things your children made.<br />
10. Place your wedding ring, other valuable jewelry and your laptop in a safe deposit box; you may need to sell the jewelry later for money.<br />
11. Family computer; erase all history on it. Create a false trail for your abuser... do a search for a hotel in the opposite direction you'll be staying.<br />
12. Buy mace; carry it on you.<br />
13. Take a self defense class/ training course and get your CHL; buy a gun if you feel you need one but keep in mind the risk of your abuser getting it from you.<br />
14. Get a protective order; keep a copy on you and an extra in the safe deposit box.<br />
15. If you believe your spouse or ex could potentially kill you; write a statement that if you are found dead for investigators to look at your spouse/ex as a prime suspect. Keep this in a safe deposit box.<br />
16. Have a new will drawn up.<br />
17. Have your vehicle checked for a GPS tracking system; have it ripped it out and keep it/photograph it for evidence. Download an app called TimeStamp to take all photos with the date and time on them for documenting everything you need to document.<br />
18. Don't share your new location with anyone you can't fully trust.<br />
19. Dump your cell phone and buy a new one.<br />
20. Change up your typical routes and remove any easily identifying stickers on your vehicle.<br />
21. Get a P.O. Box.<br />
22. Make it clear to the school administration who can and cannot pick up your children.<br />
23. Always ensure no one is following you. Stay public; do child exchanges if you must at McDonald's or the police station where cameras are present; never at your home.<br />
24. Use a new pharmacy and dry cleaners. Change grocery stores.<br />
25. Utilize the "block" feature on your cell phone; always hide your caller ID. Block the contacts you don't want contacting you; your spouse/ex, his or her friends and family etc.<br />
26. Inform where you work of your situation. Park up front where your vehicle is visible to anyone tampering with it.<br />
27. At your new location; have camera's installed. <a href="https://www.lorextechnology.com/home-camera-system/N-wwvqjd" target="_blank">Lorex</a> makes a good camera (you can purchase it at Best Buy) that enables you to screenshot any suspicious activity recorded. Again, get a security system.<br />
28. Have a doorbell installed that includes video/recording; <a href="http://www.skybell.com/" target="_blank">SkyBell</a> (Target sells one as well).<br />
29. Have your doors reinforced; wood doors can be kicked in; get steel doors with large slide locks.<br />
30. Have photos of your spouse/ex and their vehicle/license plates and drivers license if needed for police.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;"><b>To help bring awareness and change to domestic violence click <a href="http://nomore.org/take-action/" target="_blank">here</a></b></span></div>
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To My Readers:<br />
Thank you for reading,<br />
commenting and sharing!<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/cheating-50-shades-of-lies-5-reasons-to.html" target="_blank">Cheating: 50 Shades Of Lies ~ 5 Reasons To Not Keep Him</a></b><br />
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<b><a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2015/04/domestic-violence-when-it-happens-in.html" target="_blank">Domestic Violence: When It Happens In Your Family</a></b><br />
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<a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2015/12/when-he-says-complete-me.html" target="_blank"><b>When He Says: "You Complete Me"</b></a></div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-10805102837098566192016-03-09T21:14:00.001-08:002016-03-09T21:20:39.963-08:00Narcissistic Sociopath's Hate Women: 4 Ways They Show It<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Narcissists, sociopaths… they all hate women. But how is their hatred shown? How does it show up in their relationships? Much of their disdain for women is obviously intertwined with sex and how they relate (or not) to the female species.<br />
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Some narcissistic sociopaths are skilled lovers no doubt… they know exactly what to say and do. They smile with satisfaction because they <b>know</b> they are skilled and can read you like a book… like mind readers they whisper in your ear:<br />
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<span style="color: #741b47;"><b>"I know you want to be ravished by the light of a thousand stars under the night sky. I know you want me to make you scream my name while you grasp the sheet with white knuckles… I know what turns you on, what would send you writhing in my arms gasping, moaning for more… I'm going to relish you like no one else ever has with my eyes, my hands and my tongue. You will beg me for more after I rock you like the thundering waves at sea."</b></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">He knows.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">He can deliver.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But he's doing the same thing</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">for "what's-her-name" as well.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">He's giving in the bedroom yet</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">it means nothing to him.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You're just another object to him.</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Another conquest. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Another source of supply secured</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">to massage his fragile ego. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Another woman whom he has tricked.</span></b></div>
<br />
<br />
Yet there is also the narcissistic sociopath who withholds what you want sexually, what you desire, what you need. He is all about himself and his own lust and desire… these narcissistic types are using you much like an inflatable doll, as a prop if you will, to masturbate upon and self satisfy. He (or she) isn't going to go to any efforts to ensure you are receiving pleasure as well… instead it will be a scenario like the one below…<br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="color: #351c75;"><b>"Turn here, flip over, no, no, THIS way!… "</b></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><b><span style="color: #741b47;">If there weren't so many directions being commanded every second you might be able to (yawn) construct a grocery list, finally decide if you need standard length or extended for the curtains you want to buy… and even put together a mental bucket list of things you want to do before you die… or maybe you CAN do all that while he shoots off directions like an inept Siri… look at you, a multitasking ninja. </span></b></span></div>
<br />
<br />
The first scenario would be fine if it was coupled with true love, a real care for their partner, a steadfast unwavering loyalty for them… and a reciprocated desire by their spouse. But unfortunately for a narcissistic sociopath true love, real care and loyalty doesn't exist… he's (or she's) not capable. He is gaining supply by ravishing you… then he quickly moves on to the next source of supply.<br />
<br />
The second scenario is merely you, a warm body being used to play out (him directing like in a film) all of the sexual fantasies he has (and ways he wishes to be pleased) but in which he never (or rarely unless pressed/criticized/demanded) reciprocates. He's a control freak and not capable of the natural give and take that healthy loving relationships have. Instead he (or she) is all about ME, ME, ME!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">FACT: </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">ALL NARCISSISTS HATE WOMEN</span></b></div>
<b><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">THEY LOATHE THEM.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">THEY OBJECTIFY THEM.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">THEY WISH TO CONTROL THEM.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">THEY SEE THEM AS PROPERTY.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">THEY SEE THEM AS INFERIOR.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">THEY SEE THEM WITH CONTEMPT.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">THEY SEE THEM AS GOLD-DIGGERS.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">THEY SEE THEM AS LEECHES.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">THEY SEE THEM AS DEMANDING.</span></b><br />
<br />
<b>HOW A WOMAN MUST BE TO BE WITH A NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH: </b><br />
<b>1.</b> Perfectly fine with being his unequal (yet he may say he treats you as an equal partner).<br />
<b>2.</b> Never critical and always positive about him. (being critical is the kiss of death).<br />
<b>3.</b> Be perfectly fine with being treated as a sex object and not a real person with feelings.<br />
<b>4.</b> Happy to help him in any way he needs; to take on the unspoken role of assistant versus wife.<br />
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<br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: large;">As you can imagine living this way would be a drain for anyone… it is a life of constantly walking on eggshells and exhaustion.</span></b></div>
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<br />
As briefly touched on above but delved into further below we can see the hatred a narcissist or sociopath has for his (or her) partner shows up in 4 common ways…<br />
<br />
<b>First</b>, any and all decisions will be made by the narcissistic sociopath… there are no "joint decisions". You can voice what you want and he may listen under the guise of "we are equal partners" but at the end of the day he makes all decisions. In fact, his mind is already made up… your input is a waste of breath. In a truly loving (and Christian) marriage we often talk about the husband leading the family. He should be leading his family in ways that point them all to Christ... but a narcissistic sociopath controls with an iron clad grip that leads everyone down a path of sin, grief and dismay.<br />
<br />
<b>Secondly</b>, anything he (or she) perceives as criticism will be seen as an attack and will bring about defensiveness. Or he may listen and make calculated mental notes (more sociopathic-like) … listening to you rail on and on and thinking to himself… "Oh, yeah? You just keep talking… keep it up… I'll show you… you don't like it… guess what? I'm gonna do <b>exactly</b> what I want and you telling me x,y,z just makes me want to do it my way more. Keep talking… I'm filing this away, I'll remember this conversation and you <b>will </b>pay for this later (punishment) in some way, shape or form...Ha!" In a truly loving marriage there is not a fear that if you share something (calmly and with tactful love) that your concerns will be dismissed and you will be treated less than. But a narcissistic sociopath holds zero respect for women... it's shown through his inability to take in any feedback whatsoever.<br />
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<br />
<b>Third</b>, you are subjected to being treated as nothing but a sex toy… someone he wants to defile like an animal, that he keeps off-balance by suggesting acts that do nothing but repulse… at best suggesting an open marriage and even going so far as to make you believe he is highly sought after by the opposite sex… the "casual" comments he drops to you: "My last flight for work the flight attendant couldn't keep her hands off me… she sat in my lap. She told me I could have her right there on the plane." He tells you with a smug smile. You stand there staring at him bewildered(!) wondering first if he's telling the truth, secondly why he would allow that to happen and most of all why he seems to take such joy in seeing you squirm as he shares it. A truly loving marriage makes Christ it's center and brings husband and wife together to share their physical desire and affections for one another... mutually and exclusively. There shouldn't be any open marriage, no threesomes and a husband should be protective of his wife... anything that diminishes or takes away her dignity should be something he'd never dream of doing.<br />
<br />
<b>Fourth</b>, you begin to feel like his personal assistant instead of a wife because it's always something… it's his dry cleaning, it's he needs something homemade brought to his office, it's "I need you to come by and meet Mr. So and So that's flying in this week", it's doing all the "grunt work" as he sees it related to the house and children because he does the big deal; the <b>paying</b> job and he doesn't have time for the work of the lowest people on the totem pole like you. A wife may serve her husband and be his helper as a way of showing her love for him but when it's to an extreme and demanded by him, when it's an unspoken rule that has consequences if she doesn't... if she's taken on more of a "business role" in his life rather than solely being his feminine companion through friendship, support, homemaker, mother to their children and his physical lover then her role beside him has changed... he's added more to her plate... a plate not worthy of his time because he deems it beneath him. </div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: rgb(255 , 255 , 255); font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: rgb(255 , 255 , 255); font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="text-align: start;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: , , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 22px;"><b>God never viewed women as second-class citizens and His word clearly states that we are all equally His children. That we are all of equal value and worth. A man is not above a woman but his equal. Many men today have become confused or blind to what being a husband means… treating their wives with neglect and or abuse; emotionally, verbally and physically. God never intended marriage to be this way. Husbands, you have a position of RESPONSIBILITY as the leader in the home; you should be leading your family toward God not away. As Galatians 3:28 tells us, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28)</b></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>Thank you for reading, </b></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2015/07/the-narc-sexual-addiction-their-kids-5.html" target="_blank">The Narc, Sexual Addiction & Their Kids: 5 Tips</a></span></b></div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-50980656319328194362016-03-05T07:50:00.004-08:002016-03-05T07:50:46.272-08:00Married To A Narcissistic Sociopath? You Will Never Be Enough<div style="text-align: center;">
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<i style="font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-size: xx-small;">“Sad Middle Aged Woman Suffering From Headache” </span></i></div>
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<i style="font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-size: xx-small;">by stock images via FreeDigitalPhotos.net </span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">February 2016 </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">names have been changed and omitted in this post </span></div>
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<span style="color: #999999;">***************</span></div>
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<br />
We had already made our run to the store to pick up chicken noodle soup and extra tissue and now were crashed on the couch the rest of the day. I snuggled beside my daughter in the den under the oversized gray blanket and reached over to gently tuck her long blonde brown hair behind her ear. I glanced at her and spoke, "I'm sorry you're feeling bad, sweet pea. Hopefully staying home from school today will help you start feeling better. Having a cold isn't fun, is it?" I asked.<br />
<br />
"No, it's not." She agreed and as the Disney channel switched shows she turned to me and spoke. "You know how Daddy likes back rubs?" She asked. Thinking this was an oddly random change of subject I was caught off guard but nodded.<br />
<br />
"Yeah… why?" I asked her.<br />
<br />
She turned to face me. "Okay, so Georgina gives him these back rubs, right? When they watch tv." She confirmed, referring to her dad's recent fiancé. "She gives him really long ones. And then she asks for one. And he does it. For like five minutes. And then he stops."<br />
<br />
"Um, okay… "I trailed off, not sure what the point of this was but listening. "So, is that a problem?" I asked her.<br />
<br />
"Yeah it is!" She exclaimed. "Georgina gets SO mad!"<br />
<br />
I stared at her "Really? Hmmm… why do you think that is?" I asked her curiously.<br />
<br />
"I think because she gives him a really great one and then he won't give her one back. She brings it up all the time. I think it makes her really mad that he won't." She told me with a grimace and then just like that snatched the remote control to turn up the volume on her show.<br />
<br />
I sat beside her watching the screen but not really; my thoughts going back... reflecting on our marriage. I remember giving him back rubs and him complaining I was massaging too hard. Considering my pretty consistent inability to unscrew a jar of jelly or salsa without annihilating my hand (ouch!) I had thrown my hands up in frustration at what I perceived to be nit picking. He loved my fingers run through his hair and yet no matter how long I did it, it was never frequent enough or long enough… complaints ensued when my cramping fingers needed a rest. If he gave me a back massage he always expected sex. I eventually stopped accepting his offer of one as everything came with an expectation attached. Switch to intimacy and his complaints came that foreplay took too long and let's just get to the, er his main event, shall we? It was a constant checklist, er, gripe-fest of how he hadn't gotten x,y,z. And yet I seemed to be the one regularly going without. Looked like his pattern was playing out yet again. I wasn't too surprised.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The truth was… this was about more than just a back massage. </b><br />
<b>The back massage was simply the symptom of a bigger issue at hand. </b><br />
<b>The back massage was a symbol of selfishness. </b><br />
<br />
<br />
The narcissistic sociopath is someone who views themselves as not how they truly are. Meaning in reality they are the epitome of selfishness yet see themselves as victims of a less than loving spouse or ex-spouse. <b>#projection. </b>While married they begin to chip away at their spouse… they begin to nit pick at them and point out all the ways they are failing, all the ways they are not meeting their expectations or loving them perfectly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="color: blue; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>And before you know it… the narcissistic sociopath is rationalizing, JUSTIFYING why they should be able to cheat on their spouse… the spouse they once adored and set high on a pedestal. They no longer see their spouses kindness, generous nature, their beauty and fun spirit. </b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></i></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>With a narcissistic sociopath nothing you do is ever enough. </i></span><br />
<br />
That great back massage won't be enough.<br />
That amazing homemade lasagna you baked won't be enough.<br />
That thoughtful delivery of cookies or muffins to his office won't be enough.<br />
That nice shirt, tickets to the game or gift card to Best Buy won't be enough.<br />
That night of sex where you catered to his every desire and lust won't be enough.<br />
That dinner date where you laughed until your stomachs hurt won't be enough.<br />
That nurturing and care you did for the babies you gave birth to day in and day out won't be enough.<br />
That selfless picking up of his dry cleaning and walking the dog he had to have won't be enough.<br />
That proud verbal congratulations you gave about his newest promotion at work won't be enough.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>It will never be enough.</b></span><br />
<br />
<br />
The narcissistic sociopath has this sixth sense of knowing exactly what you need, want, fantasize and dream about… they can read people like no one else. The spectrum of toxic individuals out there varies of course… from a simple narcissist to the extreme; a sociopath. <b>Some are clearly more toxic or skilled than others in reading people. </b>(And yet in that let's remember any toxicity is harmful) In the beginning of a relationship a sociopath is able to discern quickly exactly what to say and do to lure you in and do just that.<br />
<br />
He is able to figure out exactly what words you find touching, what sentiments make you melt, what poetry makes you smile and then say or write just that.<br />
<br />
He is able to anticipate exactly what turns you on and what turns you off… what erotic caresses of the tongue and hands make you burn and yearn for more… and does just that.<br />
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He is able to assess exactly what makes you feel overwhelmingly spoiled and adored via sweet favors or gifts… and produces just that.<br />
<br />
And so they do it... for awhile... until they've captured you in a committed relationship or marriage and/or used you up and need a new source of supply.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span>
<b style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><i>Those blissful early days… </i></span></b><br />
<div>
<br />
When were initially in the throes of dating or early days of marriage he or she will let you know up front what behaviors of yours are not permitted by bashing his or her ex continuously in an indirect manner… framed in an insidiously "positive" way.<br />
<br />
<i><b><span style="font-size: large;">He or She will say…. </span></b></i><br />
<br />
<b>1.</b> "I LOVE how you always wear bright colors. It makes me so happy."<br />
Translation: My ex only wore black because that's what she liked not what I like.<br />
<br />
<b>2. </b>"I LOVE how you aways respond to my texts right away. It makes me feel really good."<br />
Translation: My ex didn't respond to my texts right away toward the end of our marriage because she figured out what a control freak/needy I am and stopped responding as often or quickly.<br />
<br />
<b>3.</b> "I LOVE how you're so laid back and not the insecure type at all."<br />
Translation: My ex's instincts told them I was cheating and that's why they voiced being uncomfortable with me going on that business trip with my attractive co-worker. But I'm not telling you that.<br />
<br />
<br />
Of course, you can try to do all the "right things"; you can try to follow the sociopath's rule book on what to do or not to do… playing into the comparison game of their exes as detailed above to ensure you are going to be the one who makes them happy and loves them perfectly. Certainly, you can try to stand on your head, juggle it all and ensure you're doing it their utmost satisfaction.<br />
<br />
But remember… at the end of the day, at the end of the year, at the end of the relationship, maybe at the end of your life… it really won't matter how hard you tried to please he or she…<br />
<br />
The hard truth and fact of the matter is:<br />
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Just like the ones before you… just like the ones to come after you…<br />
<br />
In the sociopath's eyes….<br />
<br />
<b>You will still never be enough. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><span style="color: #e06666; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>WHEN YOU FEEL UNLOVED, WHEN YOU FEEL LESS THAN DUE TO SOMEONE'S HURTFUL WORDS OR ACTIONS… REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE PRECIOUS AND HONORED IN HIS SIGHT…</b> </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></span></span>
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<span style="color: #741b47;"><span style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><span style="line-height: 16px;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b style="background-color: transparent;"><span class="passage-display-bcv" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; display: inline; margin: 0px; padding-right: 10px;">Isaiah 43:4</span><span class="passage-display-version" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; display: inline; line-height: 1.1;">New International Version (NIV) </span></b></span></span></span></span></div>
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<h1 class="passage-display" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 1.1; margin: 0px 0px 20px; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">Since you are precious and honored</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-18510A" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-18510A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="line-height: 24px;"> </span><span style="line-height: 24px;">in my sight </span><span style="line-height: 24px;">and because I love</span><span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-18510B" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-18510B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span><span style="line-height: 24px;"> you,</span></span></h1>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #e06666; line-height: 24px;"><b>YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE IN THE HAUNTING DESPAIR OF SOMEONE ELSE'S TOXICITY… YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE A PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY HEALTHY LIFE FREE OF PUT DOWNS AND MANIPULATION. </b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: red; font-size: x-large; line-height: 24px;"><b>YOU. ARE. ENOUGH. </b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;"><b>To My Readers: </b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;"><b>Thank you for reading, </b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;"><b>commenting and sharing!</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-20320261729436353542016-02-28T08:26:00.000-08:002016-10-16T14:49:10.375-07:00When Your Narcissistic Ex Re-Marries<div style="text-align: center;">
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<i style="color: #999999; font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">“Pre Wedding” by arztsamui via FreeDigitalPhotos.net </i></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">February 2016 </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"> names have been omitted or changed in this post </span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;">*****************</span></div>
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<br />
My daughter and I exchanged our I love you's and goodbyes and then I ended the FaceTime call. I walked into the den where my mother was seated on the taupe couch watching Fixer Upper with Chip and Joanna Gaines on HGTV.<br />
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"Oh, I love this show…"I told her, curling up on the couch and reaching for my favorite mug to take a sip of cranberry juice. "Joanna is so talented… everything she does turns out beautifully."<br />
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My mother agreed and grinned at me "And he knows how to fix stuff."<br />
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"I know, and they are so down to earth." I smiled.<br />
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"So how was your phone call? How is she doing?" She asked me, referring to my daughter who was about to end her week at her dad's and return to me.<br />
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"It was good… she seemed okay."I told her. "She said he asked Georgina to marry him on Valentine's Day. She said yes." I told my mother referring to my ex and his girlfriend who traveled back and forth from London and the states.<br />
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She looked at me. "Well, I'm not surprised. We kinda figured it was coming. Good. Maybe it will keep him busy. But it won't last." She told me.<br />
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I nodded. "I know, my thoughts exactly. I know it won't as well. We really haven't been divorced that long considering the length of our marriage and there he goes jumping into another one ready to make the same mistakes. He has to have someone so badly. It's unreal. Can't be on his own for five minutes. And I question her decision making. She's leaving her own young daughter back in London to come over here and marry him… flying back and forth to see her child… who does that? They don't have single eligible men in London?" I questioned.<br />
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My mother shook her head with a grimace. "I agree. It's a ridiculous set up. Eventually it will all fall apart." She remarked.<br />
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"I was actually thinking about picking up a cake and bottle of wine… I'm just so glad it's not me marrying him… can I get an AMEN? That's reason enough to celebrate." I smiled.<br />
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<span style="color: #666666;">***************</span></div>
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<br />
When the ex narcissistic sociopath re-marries it's typically quick; on the speedy heels of their divorce. It has to be… because supply is dwindling fast and needs to be replaced(!)… when they became separated or their divorce was finalized their ego took a hard hit… let's face it, their ego hit the floor like a busted watermelon splitting into a million pieces and they had to find a way to pick themselves back up and look good in the mirror and world once again.<br />
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When we think about it, it's so bizarre that a narcissistic sociopath wants to rush into marriage… that they hurry to tie down the next one and make it legal… because in reality they suck at marriage. They don't really want a loving, healthy marriage where two people come together to share their love for one another, their feelings, thoughts, dreams, etc. Instead it's about a one sided selfish agenda of:<br />
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<b><span style="color: #741b47;">How does this person make me look? </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #741b47;">How does this person enhance my likability? </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #741b47;">How does this person boost my image to the outside world? </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #741b47;">Is he or she attractive, wealthy, smart, talented, educated, etc? </span></b><br />
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And that's what is so mind boggling… <b>again, they suck at marriage</b> because first, it's really all about them and secondly, there's this new person they've suckered into loving them. All the while they plan to screw them over in various ways… by cheating, manipulating, stone-walling, gas-lighting, etc.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">It's all about them.</span></b><br />
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<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">You Are Bought Like Cattle…</span></i></b><br />
The narcissistic sociopath views marriage as a business deal… you are purchased after he has deemed you worthy of supply for the short term (because longterm doesn't exist with a personality disordered individual; eventually he will grow bored, you will age or begin to rebel as you realize the manipulation you have endured, gaining strength to finally leave). Realizing you deserve better, you take the first step to disentangle yourself from the narc while he's off hunting for the next supply or already enmeshed with one or even several; juggling them like pearls trying to choose the best one, the one that will bring the best return on his "investment".<br />
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<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Starting Again… </span></i></b><br />
That's why when someone who has been with a narcissistic sociopath begins to dip their toes into the dating pool again they are highly suspicious of anyone trying to get close too quickly… the one who begins voicing admiration and affection (love-bombing) for us makes us uncomfortable at best… maybe even nervous and downright panicked… looking for an exit to flee to, we may hurriedly put the brakes on any romantic relationship beginning to bud. Even if we are feeling a connection and see potential in a relationship everything in us screams that we are about to be trapped like an unsuspecting ladybug and that at any moment we could be indefinitely detained from flying away. Some might say that's paranoia talking, some might say we need to relax, some might say we will never find love if we keep flying away… but someone who has good intentions realizes that forming a friendship first and foremost is vital and any romantic aspect can wait… that true love is slow to form and not instantaneous or rushed.<br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">We just want real love. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">We won't settle for anything less. </span></b><br />
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The narcissistic sociopath may say sweet things, may do nice things, may seemingly love you with all his or her (empty) little heart… but it's all a facade… <b><span style="color: #990000;">it's what's required to get the job done</span></b>… like a business deal when you marry them you sign a contract to assist them, to cater to them, to help them feel good about themselves… and then one day you get your pink slip and are sent packing… you're dismissed(!) sent on your way back out into the wild…<br />
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But it's ironic… because out there you fight tooth and nail to stand on your own again and you do just that… with fists of determination you channel your inner Scarlett O'Hara; you rise, you stand tall and strong and curl your lip with satisfaction that you made it… maybe you're a wee bruised, maybe you're a little tired, maybe you're a bit jaded… but bit by bit you overcame and are just so grateful… so very incredibly thankful when you hear they are re-marrying that it's not you signing up for the orchestrator of chaos… because you've lived that crazy channel and there's nothing new to watch.<br />
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<b>It's the same show.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>on repeat. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>every. darn. time. </b><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: rgb(255 , 255 , 255);"><b>commenting and sharing! </b></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-narcissistic-sociopath-hidden-agenda.html" target="_blank">The Narcissistic Sociopath: Hidden Agenda's</a></span><br />
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<a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2015/01/is-she-sociopath-20-signs.html" target="_blank">Is She A Sociopath? 20 Signs</a></div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-80321105411601150242016-02-20T22:42:00.002-08:002016-02-21T05:12:33.611-08:00Dumping Them AND The Guilt<div>
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<i style="font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #cccccc;">“Woman Lying Down On Bed” by photo stock via FreeDigitalPhotos.net </span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">February 2016 </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">some names have been omitted in this post </span></div>
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The February wind whipped my long hair and I wished I'd brought my jean jacket with me that I'd left in the SUV. I watched a toddler take careful steps toward her smiling mother near the bench I shared with my friend. Our daughters played nearby swinging on the park swings laughing in unison. Sunlight streamed upon us and I could feel the warmth of the seventy degrees on my cheek, relishing it as the wind died momentarily. </div>
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She reached out and touched my arm. "What's going on? There's something bothering you." </div>
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"I've been dealing with all this guilt." I admitted. "After breaking it off with the last guy. I mean… "I trailed off. "I keep feeling like I could have handled it better." </div>
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She looked at me intently and then sat up a little straighter and spoke. "Tell me. Tell me how you could have handled it better." </div>
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"That's the problem… I really don't know." I told her. "I mean, I keep going back to if I told someone I had ADHD and they came back and told me 'I'm not signing up for that, bye'…. The truth is, it would hurt my feelings. It would. So, I can see that my telling him I'm not signing up for his bi-polar symptoms could be hurtful to him. And that wasn't my intent at all." I shared with her. </div>
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"Yes…" She agreed. "I know you didn't mean for it to be hurtful. But. And I mean BUT," She added with emphasis, "You also broke it off with this <b>same</b> man who is stalkerish, who then admitted to you he can manipulate, that he has sociopathic tendencies, who never respected your boundaries on insanely long texts 24/7, who shared that he has no intention of taking medication for his bi-polar... so he's making the choice to not take care of his health. So tell me Jennifer, exactly why you feel guilty?" She sat back and crossed her arms looking at me expectantly. </div>
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I was taken aback by her bluntness. She had hit the nail on the head. Yet it was what I needed. A good verbal knocking upside the head to wake up and quit beating myself up for telling him: "Do you really think I'm going to sign up for your bi-polar?!"</div>
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I grimaced. "I know you're right. I KNOW I made the right decision to break it off, it's just been difficult coping with the bi-polar part of it." I admitted to her. "That part made me feel like a hypocrite." </div>
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"You have the right to choose what you want. What's best for you. Do you think God wants you to be with creepy stalker guy?" She asked and I laughed while she pressed onward. "God loves you. You have the right to shut the door without any explanation. You don't have to get into discussing it, you can just say bye. And quite frankly, as much as I'd love to see you meet the "right guy" who will love you… I'd rather see you stay on your own than sign up for another bad marriage. I don't want to see you go through that again. I mean… do you?" She asked pointedly. </div>
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"No, I don't." I agreed quietly.</div>
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"I'm so sorry…" She leaned over and hugged me. "What else is going on? I feel like there's more to this." </div>
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I cleared my throat and spoke, "I think it's loneliness. I was doing so well. I think the move had me busy and preoccupied. Now everything is settled and in place… work is going well, the house is set up… and yet I find myself feeling a void." I mused aloud. </div>
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I had set new goals I was really excited about… additional flower beds to create, activities with my daughter, blogs to write, fitness goals, etc. But for whatever reason every day the loneliness crept in and I found myself grasping for what to do about it… how to handle it. I knew rationally that loneliness wasn't reason to be in a relationship… <span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>in reality it was a recipe for disaster.</b></span><br>
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And yet the loneliness remained there… lurking like a silent heavy companion that offered no comfort but the continual reminder that ultimately when you curl up in bed under the covers each night you don't share it with someone special. Throw the guilt I'd been feeling on top of the loneliness and it was an unsettled feeling that needed to be dealt with. I recognized it for what it was. It only confirmed I needed to continue to grow and set new goals… guilt I needed to let go of and loneliness meant I needed to draw closer to God in my walk with Him. Because ultimately… single or with someone… no one completely comforts or satisfies but Him.<br>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">It's "yea, though I walk</span></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"> through the valley." </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Not "yea, when I sit </span></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">down and whine </span></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">in the valley."</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"> Keep walking. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">~ Tony Evans </span></b></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>WHEN GUILT KNOCKS ON YOUR DOOR…</b> </i></span><br>
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It's often when we speak of our ex with transparent valid dislike other's may judge us… make us out like were just terrible, non-caring human beings… like a person without a heart. Or maybe we stand strong(!) and break it off as we should with the toxic one... </div>
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Then we either feel defensive(!) toward those judging us or maybe even guilt (immediate or later) for breaking it off or just in how we handled it… or a combination of both. The thing is… a narcissist or worse, a sociopath is <b>purposefully</b> doing the awful things they do. </div>
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Some would argue yes, but <b>THAT</b> is because they were wounded, damaged as children and are now living the only way they know how… they argue this is the unintended outcome of the abuse they lived during their impressionable childhood years… cause and effect… they should be pitied some say and not denounced as evil.<br>
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So in the enlightenment in dealing with the guilt we may feel; as we wade through all these unpleasant feelings regarding the toxic one who has created so much hurt in our life… we remember this:<br>
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<b><span style="color: purple;">As empathetic individuals we may wish (at times) we weren't so empathetic because we may believe it opens us up to more hurt… but that's not the answer. The world desperately needs more empathy, not less. The answer lies in remaining empathetic to the wounded but saying no to suffering at the hands of them. We shouldn't excuse someone's poor behavior. They must be held accountable. But we also don't have to remain out in the open, vast land like vulnerable prey just waiting to be hunted down, shot or ravaged. We can take refuge and know that we don't have to expose ourselves to someone's agenda. We have the right to protect ourselves. We have to have the insight to realize that yes, we may have enjoyed some aspects of this person… maybe her wit, perhaps her sense of adventure, maybe his intelligence or his physical affection. Yet at the end of the day the hurt, pain and grief the person caused far outweighed the few positives they shared with us. </span></b><br>
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px; text-align: center;">Did you think we'd be fine? Still got scars on my back from your knife</span><br>
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px; text-align: center;">So don't think it's in the past, these kinda wounds they last and they last.</span><br>
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px; text-align: center;">Now did you think it all through? All these things will catch up to you</span><br>
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px; text-align: center;">And time can heal but this won't, so if you're coming my way, just don't</span><br>
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px; text-align: center;">- Taylor Swift Bad Blood via azlyrics.com </span><br>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">It's then that we ask ourselves: </span></b><br>
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<span style="font-size: large;">How much are we willing to suffer for a few positives?</span><br>
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<b>Are we willing to suffer through verbal abuse?</b><br>
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"Think about leaving me. You will regret it in days, weeks, months, years. And you'll have no one to blame but yourself when you're alone. Because no one will want you."<br>
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<b>Are we willing to suffer through physical abuse? </b><br>
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Being pushed, shoved, hit, kicked, etc = having bruises, broken bones, black eyes, etc.<br>
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<b>Are we willing to suffer through emotional abuse? </b><br>
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You tell your partner you're really hurt, angry, frustrated etc about x,y, z… instead of listening and responding with love; trying to understand and be there for you he or she begins coming back with: "I'm not responding to your anger(!) You're the one with the issue." And proceeds to walk away. Not only has he or she completely invalidated your concern and feelings but then has shut down communication by walking away (stonewalling) and ending the conversation… leaving you feeling not not heard and dismissed, even possibly feeling dramatic, unstable, anxious, etc.<br>
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We don't have to suffer.<br>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Letting go of someone you have loved may be one of the hardest things you will ever do. But it's so much easier than holding onto someone hurtful and cruel, or even worse, someone who has already let go of you. ~ Zane Baker </span></b><br>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016</span></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="helvetica neue, arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><br></span></font></div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="helvetica neue, arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><br></span></font></div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="helvetica neue, arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj_rf5YhgFOUX4qZJmj2Tx4-ECm8L695xIpENpVA3eSdgIHxcScON9M8I8JM9yuZsbA5mBUmfMylI7CFst_kDHAMzZGxHJVfrCizP0Ebj5CLMEma_UX1hCcAvsh4hIxOKVbdWZaVuI63um/s640/blogger-image-1679042273.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj_rf5YhgFOUX4qZJmj2Tx4-ECm8L695xIpENpVA3eSdgIHxcScON9M8I8JM9yuZsbA5mBUmfMylI7CFst_kDHAMzZGxHJVfrCizP0Ebj5CLMEma_UX1hCcAvsh4hIxOKVbdWZaVuI63um/s640/blogger-image-1679042273.jpg"></a></div><br></span></font></div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="helvetica neue, arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><br></span></font></div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="helvetica neue, arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNrTwCbtddvArO8cPtK63IHR7RLRxx3n5v2DwRmzB3s99_F60lRvpFZwjqb7hTf3VDai7dLODr_ebxaKn38div_IdrT5GE816olC_teLy7A8kysiPCDUSUTHSHzeZ9Ld0MSzJ0plrFdgoM/s640/blogger-image-1277058939.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNrTwCbtddvArO8cPtK63IHR7RLRxx3n5v2DwRmzB3s99_F60lRvpFZwjqb7hTf3VDai7dLODr_ebxaKn38div_IdrT5GE816olC_teLy7A8kysiPCDUSUTHSHzeZ9Ld0MSzJ0plrFdgoM/s640/blogger-image-1277058939.jpg"></a></div><br></span></font></div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="helvetica neue, arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><br></span></font></div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="helvetica neue, arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj337lJ71tWtbhuLTU8iTkIIGpPArixEXEJ0PpffliE1FvL2_cUP5nh_s4HSoJITdD8qntEwlMECFVXyuJAuKiybDLoQNOwG4yfBYe2IwVtDR8JWpWRRGwejkIMbdS3iyp6j9vau09HNiKd/s640/blogger-image--402839875.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj337lJ71tWtbhuLTU8iTkIIGpPArixEXEJ0PpffliE1FvL2_cUP5nh_s4HSoJITdD8qntEwlMECFVXyuJAuKiybDLoQNOwG4yfBYe2IwVtDR8JWpWRRGwejkIMbdS3iyp6j9vau09HNiKd/s640/blogger-image--402839875.jpg"></a></div><br></span></font></div>
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<a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/04/father-living-in-lion-den.html" style="text-align: center;" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Narcissistic Father's: Living In The Lion's Den</span></a><br>
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To My Readers: </div>
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Thank you for reading, </div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-64006029648307914842016-02-07T10:46:00.001-08:002016-02-07T10:54:48.618-08:00Will A Narcissistic Sociopath Go To Heaven?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicRv1qtw04t-QW9L4hfxfvFtORKLRPXCiLM-oemJFNXgLpvid4AuhKfX_UdsU4Za0mr9kmhQ4TYtFMT4S3Hts_FgIR-zl5QEM315garnbg-mWR4RTck4XJuAv3h4wWNNHTBV2vqxUCeb8Q/s1600/ID-100317148.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicRv1qtw04t-QW9L4hfxfvFtORKLRPXCiLM-oemJFNXgLpvid4AuhKfX_UdsU4Za0mr9kmhQ4TYtFMT4S3Hts_FgIR-zl5QEM315garnbg-mWR4RTck4XJuAv3h4wWNNHTBV2vqxUCeb8Q/s400/ID-100317148.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<i style="font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #cccccc; font-size: xx-small;">“Paradise” by dan via FreeDigitalPhotos.net </span></i></div>
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When our eyes are opened to God's goodness, to His kindness poured out to us despite all of our ugly wretched sin… when that day comes and we realize the enormity of His love… we are overwhelmed. We are thankful, oh so incredibly humbly grateful for Him and the mercy he has shown us. We realize looking back at all of our ugly sins…. our gossip, our hate, our filthy tongues, our poor choices stemming from selfishness that we are still here. God has not called us to him and stood us before him at the throne to answer for our unrighteousness.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><b><br /></b></i></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><b>CHANCE AFTER CHANCE GIVEN…. </b></i></span><br />
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Instead we have continually received his kindness and chances…. yes, chance after chance after merciful chance to change our ways. Chance after chance to turn from our sins that we commit like adultery, pre-martial sex, materialism, financial greed, abuse, abortion, etc. We are merrily living our life either oblivious to God's continual love and chances given to us or we hear him but choose to ignore. "Tomorrow…" we may tell ourselves, "I'll turn from this sin tomorrow and repent." But then tomorrow comes. And the next day. And the next. Turning from disobedience and repenting never comes. Sadly, one day it will be too late.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "corbel" , "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">Ezekiel 18:21-23 ESV </span></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #b45f06;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "corbel" , "verdana" , sans-serif;">“But if a wicked person turns away from all his sins that he has committed and keeps all my statutes and does what is just and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die. None of the transgressions that he has committed shall be remembered against him; for the righteousness that he has done he shall live. Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord </span><span class="sc" style="background-color: white; font-family: "corbel" , "verdana" , sans-serif; font-variant: small-caps;">God</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "corbel" , "verdana" , sans-serif;">, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live?</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: purple;"><b><br /></b></span>
<b><span style="color: purple;">Not one person is good enough to enter Heaven and although it's the typical human nature of us all to compare ourselves and our sins to Johnny or Susie's next door much like ego-fuled kindergartners on the playground… we are all sinners. Some of us will go to Heaven. Some of us will go to Hell. So what's the difference? Some care and some don't. Some admit they need a Savior and some won't.</span></b><br />
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The Christian who knows they have committed atrocious acts in their life will see the light and go to God… admitting their ugliness… and their unfitness for Heaven. They will admit they aren't good enough and never can be… that they need God and Christ as their Savior. They will recognize their sins and repent, asking Him for mercy and forgiveness. They will turn from the sins they have committed and if they are struggling with the same sins over and over again… whether it be sex outside of marriage or cussing they will admit these struggles to Him and ask for help. We all fall short of God's glory and when we discard the haughty attitude that we are above seeking him we will repent.<br />
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<b><i><span style="font-size: large;">THE NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH… </span></i></b><br />
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But not so with the narcissistic sociopath. Can we really expect to go through life <b>purposely</b> living sin after sin of transgressions and superiorly quipping: "I believe in God so I'm saved! I'm going to Heaven!" That appears to be the narcissistic sociopaths mindset. They don't seem to realize that even the devil believes in God.<br />
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<b><i><span style="font-size: x-large;">They are in for a rude awakening. </span></i></b><br />
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<i style="font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #999999; font-size: xx-small;">by Stuart Miles via FreeDigitalPhotos.net </span></i></div>
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We can't use God's sweet grace, mercy and kindness as a free ticket to just sin our pants off… that's not the way it works. Yes, it's true the devil tries his hardest to entice us, to set us up to sin… first he whispers in our ear: "Oh, come on, it's just a <b>little</b> sin", then after the fact he screams with shame: "You can't be forgiven for that <b>HUGE</b> sin! WHAT A MESS YOU ARE! God won't forgive you! He doesn't love you that much! You're toast! You might as well throw in the towel and keep sinning!" As Christians we feel terror in our hearts, we feel convicted, a "What have I done?!?" and immediately flee to God in sorrow, embarrassment and repentance.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "corbel" , "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">1 John 1:19 ESV </span></b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "corbel" , "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "corbel" , "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;"> and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "corbel" , "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">Acts 3:19 ESV</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "corbel" , "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out,</span></b></span></div>
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But in the narcissistic sociopaths mind sin is totally permissible… they figure Christ died for their sins…. done! They believe they are free to parade around like immoral animals without consequence. They adhere to the worldly philosophy of "YOLO… or You Only Live Once" and one of their favorite phrases which is: "Better to ask for forgiveness than permission." What they fail to realize is the bible outlines very clearly what they shouldn't be doing… the very idea of "permission" is null and void… God sees their actions as blatant disobedience in what he deems holy and best for us.<br />
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We may sit back and wonder why the narcissistic sociopath seems to go through life without issues… that they seem to sail through life without any bumps or bruises… no earthly consequences to their bad behavior, right? We often hear that saying "The good die young". But the truth is… the individual who is narcissistic is on borrowed time. They just won't see it or admit it. They don't realize nor want to admit that God has continually doled out chance after loving chance to them to change their ways… that when they finally stand before him they won't have any excuse as to why they haven't mended their ways and accepted his long waiting patience toward them.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "corbel" , "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">2 Peter 3:9 ESV</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "corbel" , "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.</span></b></span></div>
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He has withheld punishment toward he or she and yet it's been disregarded time and time again. Because the narcissistic sociopath is eternally unthankful, ungrateful for what he or she has… they instead feel entitled to whatever comes their way… they feel no reason to thank God. They don't believe the blessings they've received have come from anyone above themselves… after all, they are in control and wouldn't dream of stamping His name on anything "they've" accomplished. So the narc or sociopath lives a life of expecting good things to happen not from an optimistic viewpoint but because they "deserve them" and why wouldn't they get the best? If married, they have made "your life possible" so from their viewpoint their spouse should be gracious and kiss their feet, the very ground they walk on. If they have a position that allows them to have opened opportunities to others, given them jobs, etc, they feel powerful. It's others who should be thankful to them.<br />
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The reason we are here on earth is for us to become holy… molded, chiseled what have you, in God's eyes. Narcissistic sociopaths don't realize they are not the whole universe, that it doesn't revolve around them. The earth and it's people were made by God and he wants us to extend good and care to others. He wants us to share his word with the world… to be helpers, to be givers, encouragers, to be representatives of him. Unlike the narcissistic sociopath who lives in a world where life is a game, they are in charge, they make up the rules as they go along, change them at whim and everyone else seemingly loses.<br />
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<b>They are playing a dangerous game. </b><br />
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<b>One that will allow them to "win" many many times. </b><br />
<b>But eventually their winning streak will wear out. </b><br />
<b>And at death it will be game over.</b><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/12/praying-for-narcissistic-sociopath.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><b>Praying For The Narcissistic Sociopath</b></span></a></span></div>
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<b><a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/08/confronting-woman.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Confronting The "Other Woman"</span></a></b></div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-88882896370531541832016-02-03T15:26:00.001-08:002016-08-26T01:55:55.840-07:00Are You Choosing? Or Being Chosen? 4 Toxic Types To Avoid<div style="text-align: center;">
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January 2016</div>
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<span style="color: #999999;">********************</span></div>
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I sat on the brown leather couch across from my therapist wearing black leggings and an oversized lightweight shrug over a long tank top. To my right the mini blinds were open to reveal a sunny January day with temps in the sixties. Evergreen trees outside framed the window on the third floor and sunshine streamed in the cozy room. We greeted one another and I comfortably adjusted the pillows behind my back. She settled in her chair and smiled at me…<br />
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"So, how have you been? How is the online dating going?" She asked me.<br />
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I smiled "I'm good. The dating… it's been interesting." I told her with a grin.<br />
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She nodded and prompted "Tell me…"<br />
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"Well… first there was Stephen. I really liked him and thought we'd meet. The conversation was amazing." I told her. "We really clicked… it was back and forth, like a ping pong game, quick, witty and fun."<br />
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"So what happened?" She asked.<br />
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"I found out he had a sixteen month old daughter." I told her.<br />
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"Is that an issue?" She asked, peering at me.<br />
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"I think so… I mean, I have a kid who has nine to ten years on her. Were at extremes. I don't really want to sign up for a sixteen month old." I admitted.<br />
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"I'm not so sure I'd call that a deal breaker…"She trailed off.<br />
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"He hasn't been divorced very long. Less than six months." I told her.<br />
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"Now that's a deal breaker." She affirmed. "That concerns me."<br />
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I nodded "Me too… then there was David… all he wanted was sex." I smirked. "I eliminated him quick. So, I'm still looking." I told her.<br />
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She spoke, "I really think this is good for you though. It's allowing you to figure out exactly what you want and also how to be more assertive. I want to keep working with you on this. I want you to continue setting boundaries and I have to say… I am VERY proud of you in how you stood up to the guy in your last relationship… telling him that you have the right to choose to not sign up for someone with bi-polar is setting a boundary. And I know that was very hard for you to do."<br />
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I nodded "Yeah." I stated. "And yet I feel like the horrible person. Like I'm mean because I told him I'm not signing up for that. I feel bad and yet I DON'T want to sign up for that. I would have a breakdown no doubt! I exclaimed.<br />
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"Exactly…" She nodded. "And I know you feel bad… but it's so good that you are choosing what YOU want not allowing the guy to dictate what you get!"<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">Are you doing the choosing?</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">Or are you allowing yourself to be chosen? </span></b><br />
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When were dating we can either choose to take charge of our dating life or choose to be a passive passenger in it. Are we in the drivers seat or are we allowing the opposite sex to make the decisions?</div>
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Who is in the drivers seat in your life?<br />
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Are we allowing ourselves to be chosen?<br />
If so, we may ask what is the reason behind it?<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">It may go back to our history. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Namely, our father.</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As women, when we have fathers who aren't there for us, we tend to yearn (possibly to self-detriment) for what we didn't get. It's completely understandable. We yearn for that emotional nurturing, masculine attention and physical stability that we never received. So then we choose partners who are cut from the same cloth as our fathers and find ourselves in relationships with men who are just as toxic, stunted and unavailable. Inevitably our choices send us right down the same path over and over again until we become cognizant of the type of men we are choosing... and with that awareness then making the necessary changes. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Are we choosing men (or if you're a man choosing a woman) that expect so much yet give us very little to nothing in return? Are we still on some level seeking the love we never received from our emotionally elusive parent? Oftentimes the sad but realistic answer is yes. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Are we choosing partners that make us feel old? More like a parent figure versus an equal? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Are we choosing a man or woman who tries to mold us into someone were not? Or do we hide who we are and become who we believe they want us to be? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There are so many toxic types to avoid when it comes to dating and marriage.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>Here are four....</i></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>1. The Narcissist:</b> </span><br />
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We may be choosing partners that are narcissistic to the core... classic cases of selfishness that want us to sacrifice all we are for them and the good of the relationship. These folks will expect you to give and give, for you to never expect anything of them, to always apologize even if it's not your fault, to never be sick, feel anxious, angry or sad because that is a time suck on their part and they can't be bothered. And please don't age, because that really screws with their image of perfection they so desperately want to show others. It's a twenty four hour job being with a narcissist and the benefits are nil. The end result is always the same… you being completely emotionally maxed out, physically less healthy and either being discarded for someone new (can we say fresh supply?!) or having to leave on your own accord.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">2. Arrested Development:</span></b><br />
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Or maybe you're attracted to the person who appears at first young, fun and spontaneous. Someone who doesn't take life too seriously. The problem is... it's after dating them awhile that you realize they take nothing in life seriously... because they are stunted when it comes to being a grown up. They don't invest, they find a credit score unimportant, they don't save, they merely want to watch movies and they have zero interest in personal growth… don't even go there regarding counseling because they are still sixteen and perfectly content at remaining there. When you find yourself standing in the midst of Spencer's at the local mall because the thirty five year old man(!) you're dating wants to look at t-shirts and coffee mugs there may be a problem. A man (or woman) who shows arrested development may initially be a draw in the name of fun and then become a huge turn off. They look innocent enough... suit and tie, coffee and briefcase Monday through Friday from eight am to five o'clock. But the truth is... they fail to grow into adults. They fail in relationships because they become "another kid" someone has to look after.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">3. The Convincer/Manipulator: </span></b><br />
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The manipulator is someone who doesn't believe in a mutual coming together when dating… instead of pursuing you in the romantic sense they are about <b>convincing</b> you to be with them. This is a person whose ego is driving the relationship… and typically not for the long haul. Because the non-manipulator soon realizes their values, morals, goals, etc do not align with their romantic interest and instead may be polar opposite. This is when the heat and pressure is turned up for the person to stay with the manipulator. Pick me! Pick me! He or she may try to convince you to stay when you know deep down no matter how much chemistry you have, how much humor is shared, no matter how badly you want it to work… at the end of the day the facts don't lie… you're wrong for each other… he's an atheist, you're a Christian, he lacks empathy and you care, you're a sentimental guy and she rebuffs any sweet gesture you attempt in gift giving. No matter how hard you try it simply won't work… it's best to cut the cord and free yourself for someone who is a good match and woos without a plan to manipulate.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">4. Please Change So I Can Love You:</span></b><br />
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Last, are you finding that you can't be yourself? If you are in a relationship where you are not being genuine it's time to re-assess. Only you know if it's you or them… or both. Maybe a lack of esteem or the person you're with is making you doubt yourself as being lovable. If you're constantly softening your points of view or changing your look, wardrobe, hair, etc because there is some unspoken deep down fear you are not enough… that you can't be loved for who you truly are… that's a sign there is personal work to be done. Perhaps any dating relationship needs to be put on hold until you're in a better place… confident in who you are and not wanting to adapt to what other's want you to be. Or perhaps the person you're with isn't healthy for you and expects you to be someone else. You like your hair short, he likes it long. He likes skirts and you wear pants. Are you staying true to you or changing? Staying together could mean an awful outcome, someone falling in love with who you're not… that's a recipe for disaster for both individuals. If you find yourself dependent upon this person and needing them just to function… if depression is hovering at your door that may be a sign that it's time to get in a healthier place… relationships thrive when both people come together because they want to be together not out of a dependent need.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 </span></span></div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-14180403975556905252016-01-26T20:39:00.000-08:002016-01-28T04:23:51.442-08:00Good Riddance, Narc: Closing The Door On Their Selfishness<br>
<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">In toxic families narcissism can run deep and far reaching. I heard a preacher once say that all sin stems from selfishness and that statement is so true. </span></b><br>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Narcissism... </span></b><br>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">It equals selfishness and it negatively affects every single family member. Selfishness can take many forms but one form that isn't always talked about is financial. </span></b><br>
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Growing up my family moved in the middle of my fourth grade school year. It was not a move for the better and it's affects on our family would be long-lasting. My father promised my mother that the home they bought that had belonged to his grandfather, my great grandfather would be remodeled. Up and down he swore to my mother he would deliver on that promise. But again… like so many times his lies prevailed and nothing came of the promises he'd made.<br>
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The home merely continued to decline… a lack of care, motivation and priorities on his part led to a continual decline over the course of decades… wood rotting, paint chipping, leaky drafty windows that left us freezing in the winter, a garage that was barely standing and not useable, a kitchen with a broken tile floor, a kitchen so outdated it had no dishwasher and essentially no countertop space because the microwave took up all that existed… alongside the washer and dryer. He would fill up five dollars of gas at a time for my mother to use the car to go to the grocery store. He expected a family of five to survive on seventy five dollars or less a week for food while he treated himself to bear claws for breakfast and lunch out while at work. The only two restaurants we frequented during our childhood ran specials for enchiladas on Wednesday nights. He'd order endless glasses of iced tea and then leave a measly tip; especially if it was a waitress versus a waiter. His parents, my grandparents weren't much better. They paid him two hundred dollars a week; the paltry pay a teenager makes doing retail. When my mother voiced her outrage and exasperation over his low pay and how he needed to get more, he ignored. Instead he figured out how to screw us more and the system itself. He figured out how to make money under the table and squirreled it away for himself in drawers, bank lock boxes, where he could hide cash that didn't have a paper trail; if anyone ever needed an audit or eagle eye from the IRS it was them. The irony of the situation is that his behavior wasn't due to a lack of funds… as there was plenty of money readily available for antique art, frames, statues, fine pottery, antique furniture, war memorabilia, etc. Whatever he wanted he bought. Whatever he coveted he purchased. Whatever he desired he got. It was a fierce sickness that stemmed from his parents and before that. It was a deep need to feed the high that only lasted fleetingly. And then it had to be fed again. And yet again.<br>
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But it had consequences. It left us with little to no money for food, for clothes, for shoes, haircuts, the very basics. It left us with zero money for braces, for swim lessons, tutoring, dance lessons, soccer, etc. It left us with being home much of the time left to find something to do while he worked. It left us without friends because even if he'd allowed us to have them there wouldn't have been any money given for social activities. It was a bizarre world we lived in. The things my mother did for us like new sheets for our bedrooms, cute accessories and surprises at Valentine's came from scrimping on groceries where she could. We lived in a coveted high end neighborhood but while every home around us shined from the outward, gleaming and happy ours reflected the dismal and dark life we lived behind it's crumbling exterior. The consequences were neighbors shied away from us, didn't speak and my mother wanting to shrink from sheer and utter embarrassment… because bless her heart she tried. Mama tried. She clipped coupons to save money. <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">She took us to museums on "free day" so we'd have outings out.</span> She planted seeds to grow perennials in the flower beds to beautify the exterior. Her flower beds were magazine worthy, a brilliant carpet of color that drew the eye in. The flowers didn't hide the fact the house was dying a little each day yet showed someone still had a little light left in them behind it's walls. There was still a glimmer of hope for change or escape. And she tried. She tried to escape many times. But the threats always came that it would be bad for her if she did.<br>
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It's such a painful example of how a narcissist's selfishness takes over and makes their family suffer… such an example of how each affected family members world becomes ugly instead of beautiful. It's one thing if you truly can't afford the basics or luxuries despite working your hardest… but what about those who can but abuse their families financially? It happens. Unfortunately. There<b> is</b> money. It's just that it only benefits <b>certain</b> people.<br>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">January 2016 </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">names have been omitted in this post</span> </div>
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Since my divorce had been finalized I had lived in my grandparents home. The home I'd purchased because I'd had no where else to go on such short notice. My father had offered to sell it to me. But it became very clear very quickly that I was making a deal with the devil. The night before I was to sign the papers at the title company he called me. The price suddenly rising ten grand… because he claimed he could get more from an acquaintance who wanted to purchase it. So there I stood the night before I had to vacate the home I'd shared with my husband and children (because he'd decided to keep our home)… there I stood in a sea of boxes and seeing red. I had to agree with paying my father ten more grand. I had no other choice. It was that or the street. Later when I would call him out on his behavior he would shrug and reply: "Don't do business with relatives."<br>
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So I bought my grandparents home… the home I had baked pies in as a child with my grandmother and little sisters. The house where I had played dominoes with my grandmother. The house where my sisters and I had scampered in dresses at Easter hunting for eggs out back. The house where my grandfather rustled his newspaper and grunted he needed more iced tea to my grandmother. The house where he had yelled I was a whore after returning home at seventeen from living with gangsters. In the two years I lived in my grandparents home post my divorce being final I realized I was coming full circle. I wrestled with emotions both good and bad daily. I slept in the room my grandfather's historically significant collection was once squirreled away from view. As children we weren't allowed to go in there but occasionally he'd catch us taking a peek inside the door. I cussed and cleaned the bathroom he had left in shambles before passing years ago… that my father had left for me to clean up. I wore a bandanna over my face as I tried to avoid fumes of who knew what human grossness was spattered on the floors and walls trying to eradicate it with bleach. It was like an animal had lived there based on the conditions. Basic cleanliness had been absent for years. Upkeep had been neglected since they had purchased it in the fifties and never been a priority. Several feet of leaves surrounded the property, another sign of no upkeep. I noticed the missing light fixture in the living room my father had swiped, leaving me in the dark. I ripped carpet way past it's prime out due to the cats they'd had, I painted walls and trim into the wee hours of morning after morning and hired a contractor to do what I couldn't. It was yet another example of how selfishness… collecting, the "me" mentality overshadows doing what is best for your family.<br>
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This was the home where my father had grown up… where the spoon had fed him selfish bite after selfish bite. It was sick and I was so happy to finally be saying goodbye not just to that house but everything it represented. I had done what I could while living there and yet reality was no matter how many changes I'd made or hypothetically could, nothing changed it's history. That last chilly thirty degree night as I stood in the empty house wearing my coat and scarf I slowly took my time walking from room to room… recalling memories that spanned decades… thinking of my two sisters, the loss of my youngest one. The consequences are so great in a narcissistic family… the consequences are grief and devastation. <b>The consequences are the loss of which money can't buy but yet was not shared either. </b>With the moon shining in through the still drafty windows and leaving shadows along the gray painted walls and floors from the trees blowing in the wind outside… I took one last glance before I walked out the heavy steel door for the last time… that steel door with the glaringly giant slide lock that they always said "protected all their stuff"… all that stuff they valued so darn much.<br>
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<b>With one last look I uttered:</b></div>
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<b>"Good riddance. Peace out."</b><br>
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I shut the door behind me.<br>
Good riddance.<br>
A flipper had it now.<br>
The irony wasn't lost on me.<br>
<br>
It was for the best. I was happy. If I hadn't needed the money I would have gladly paid to have it torn down. But the second best choice was having it flipped, having the walls opened up and a new floor plan created. It would be someone else's now. Someone who didn't know it's history. Someone who didn't know the selfishness that had lived there. Bred there. Maybe now it could have a new story. A happier story.<br>
<br>
And I'm writing to tell you that you can too.<br>
<br>
<b><br></b>
<b>Keep going.</b><br>
<b>Keep healing.</b><br>
<b>Keep living.</b><br>
<br>
But don't ever forget what's happened.<br>
Because your story matters.<br>
Because despite the ugly, the selfish, the darkness, light can shine.<br>
A whole new life.<br>
<br>
<b>It's your story.</b><br>
<br>
You have the pen.<br>
The pencil.<br>
The keyboard.<br>
What will you write?<br>
What will you share?<br>
What will you tell?<br>
<br>
<b>Thrive on, strong one… thrive on. </b><br>
<br>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 </span></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="helvetica neue, arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><br></span></font></div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="helvetica neue, arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><br></span></font></div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="helvetica neue, arial, helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgo7bBD9MbtmtRIy1GsG_x6kmHSMKQnkQa3wWA6oXKN-UDWf0pq_6Cuh8ImtYWYTkzndLvUCr0Hu1NxjgMNSVNHNplgMpKKzA1rOA51eqgvvdFlwN3kztViLIQ3lVpoBlnvzrf8LFXkhG0f/s640/blogger-image-1936020222.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgo7bBD9MbtmtRIy1GsG_x6kmHSMKQnkQa3wWA6oXKN-UDWf0pq_6Cuh8ImtYWYTkzndLvUCr0Hu1NxjgMNSVNHNplgMpKKzA1rOA51eqgvvdFlwN3kztViLIQ3lVpoBlnvzrf8LFXkhG0f/s640/blogger-image-1936020222.jpg"></a></div><br></span></font></div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-44063598384643236702015-12-20T09:59:00.001-08:002015-12-20T10:19:20.168-08:00A Letter Of Love: For Those Enduring A Break-Up<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i style="color: #999999; font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">“Future” by graur razvan donut via FreeDigitalPhotos.net </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br>
<b><br></b>
<b>It's never easy for a good woman to walk away; especially after she's invested so much of herself into making it work. Just know, that by the time she finally decides to leave, she's given you countless chances and debated the idea, over and over in her head, at least 1000 times. She's exhausted; she's frustrated and totally heartbroken to have to walk away from a man who deep down inside, she still loves and is still willing to fight for."</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b> - Mr. Amari Soul </b><br>
<br>
<br>
But sometimes were not willing</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
to fight for love anymore…<br>
because sometimes we realize were the only one fighting for it.<br>
<br>
<br>
December 2015<br>
<br>
names have been omitted in this post<br>
<br>
*****************<br>
<br>
<br>
<div style="text-align: left;">
It was just days before Christmas… what a year it had been. It was a year of many changes and blessings… of financial stability, health and even heartbreak. But with that heartbreak came the promise of a new year… a fresh start… and renewed hope. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Wearing black leggings, warm socks and a plaid flannel shirt I poured milk from it's plastic container into a small pot upon the cooktop… waiting for it to slowly simmer and gradually reach a soft rolling boil. I listened as my mother spoke. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"I'll tell you why you're so upset! Why the past few weeks have been so hard! It's because he turned out to not be willing to do the necessary work he needed to. He wasn't willing to step up. Because deep down you realize he doesn't love you enough to do it." She watched as I returned the milk to it's place in the refrigerator, closing it. Then I rummaged through the pantry in search of hot cocoa powder. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Ouch. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Yeppers. That was it. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
My voice cracked with emotion like it does when I'm trying my hardest not to cry. "Yeah…" I replied feeling the sting of the truth biting me. "He kept complaining about his back pain, his depression, his ex, his mother, his job, it was always something. I began to realize he just wanted me to be his fix for everything. He takes zero personal responsibility for his own life. I mentioned counseling… that it really helps. He said he would need me to join him in counseling… in his own words "to keep him honest"… I thought that was the most bizarre and alarming thing to say." </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
She nodded and said "He needed you to keep him honest… like a child? So what? If you married him you'd have to be with him 24/7 just to ensure he's doing what he's supposed to do? Being where he's supposed to be? Who the heck is going to sign up for that? Then what? If he cheats… let me guess… it's your fault?" </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I murmured in agreement as I poured hot cocoa powder into empty Christmas mugs from Target for my daughter and I and then set out a tub of cool whip and chocolate sprinkles. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"I actually said the same thing to him in so many words. I asked him if he was three years old… that I shouldn't have to baby-sit him. It's so ironic, really… he accused me of not wanting to put in the work necessary when he's actually the one that is stubborn to self-growth and personal responsibility. It's not my first rodeo… I've been through this before… all this twisting and spinning." I sighed "At the end of the day it's a no go. It's really hurt because I had high hopes. That's the thing about it… you can deeply love and care about someone even if they aren't right for you." </div>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>A Letter Of Love… </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br></i></span></div>
</div>
<br>
You lost him.<br>
<br>
Or her.<br>
<br>
You lost someone special.<br>
<br>
Someone who at one time you would have done anything for.<br>
<div>
<br></div>
<div>
Maybe you did. </div>
<div>
<br></div>
<div>
Maybe you still would.<br>
<br>
Maybe you would have walked on glass or through fire to prove how much you loved them. </div>
<div>
<br>
Maybe you would have fought every weary battle imaginable to be with them.<br>
<br>
Perhaps losing them happened in one fell swoop… or perhaps it was a painful, long, slow, process as bit by bit you lost them more each day over the course of weeks, months, even years.<br>
<br>
Maybe you knew every scar beneath clothing.<br>
<br>
Maybe you knew every smirk, look, and inflection.<br>
<br>
Maybe you knew each quirk, peeve and irritation.<br>
<br>
Maybe you listened to their every fear, hope and dream into the wee hours of night.<br>
<br>
Maybe you grasped their hand with affection when all was good and clasped it when tears fell from their eyes in the bad.<br>
<br>
Maybe you knew exactly where their sore spots were, where not to touch, where you dared not go so as to never inflict further hurt and pain.<br>
<br>
Maybe you knew every little thing that made them laugh and every great joy they basked in.<br>
<br>
Maybe you knew their soul, their deep down yearnings like no other… maybe you read every page of their heart and still desired to know more.<br>
<br>
Maybe you made love to them in the brilliant sunlight of day with the scent of coffee nearby… or maybe you satisfied them in the midnight hours eliciting increasing crescendo.<br>
<br>
Maybe you held them tight when they were afraid and put their worries to rest even when they knew they were silly.<br>
<br>
Maybe you worried when they didn't call or arrive when promised… all those times you fleetingly felt a surge of reality rise up within from your stomach and strike your heart… reality that you simply can't lose this person who means everything to you.<br>
<br>
Maybe you didn't step up when you needed to… maybe you feel you failed them on some level however difficult or impossible to admit to yourself because it hurts too much.<br>
<br>
Maybe you didn't allow yourself to be vulnerable with them and let your annoying traits, your hang-ups, your occasional doubts show because you questioned who could love those.<br>
<br>
Maybe you sacrificed too much… maybe you said yes too many times when you should have said no… maybe you realize you were doing the opposite of what you should have been doing.<br>
<br>
Maybe they gave up on you and you're left standing on the side of the road wondering where to go next… lost… lonely and baffled.</div>
<div>
<br></div>
<div>
Maybe you are mourning who you thought they were... as it turned out they resembled hurt rather than love.<br>
<br>
Maybe you'll never stop loving them because it wasn't that you didn't… it's that no matter how you tried to show it… you could never seem to get it right.<br>
<br>
Maybe you know now that whatever you did wrong you can't go back and fix… whatever it is, or was it's simply too late…<br>
<br>
Maybe you're kicking yourself.<br>
<br>
Maybe you're angry with them as well.<br>
<br>
And maybe you need to realize that it's okay to be upset…<br>
<br>
It's okay to cry.<br>
<br>
It's okay to acknowledge a great loss has happened.</div>
<div>
<br></div>
<div>
It's okay to admit that you still love them... love is there, always will be... it's just that you aren't right for each other.<br>
<br>
It's brave to say "I don't have it all together", "I miss them" or even "I screwed up."<br>
<br>
It takes guts to say "I'm not okay… but I will be."<br>
<br>
There is no shame in saying "This didn't turn out how I wanted it to."<br>
<br>
There is no shame in saying "I'm incredibly disappointed."<br>
<br>
There is no shame in saying "I'm struggling."<br>
<br>
We've all been there.<br>
<br>
To act like we haven't would be a lie.<br>
<br>
The hurt you are experiencing is not only completely understandable but so necessary… it's necessary to go through the dark tunnel of sorrow and grief, to gather up all the past and sort through it like a stack of fading photographs… it's necessary so as to make room for all the new…<br>
<br>
Because there is another chapter…<br>
<br>
Shining brightly for you.<br>
<br>
A whole new world awaits and gradually it's one free of tears and a non-bruised heart.<br>
<br>
It's a chapter of great adventures, new skills and learning.<br>
<br>
It's a chapter of fresh faces, long talks and laughs.<br>
<br>
It's a chapter of healing, self-care and possibly love again.<br>
<br>
This trying time won't last forever.<br>
<br>
In the overall scheme of life it's a blip.<br>
<br>
Embrace the now, your mourning, your loss and emotions.<br>
<br>
Then wipe your eyes and cling to hope… hope that indeed life will get better.<br>
<br>
It always does.<br>
<br>
Be patient, wait for it.<br>
<br>
Everything better is worth waiting for.<br>
<br>
<br>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 </span></div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-39388935084582683002015-12-14T17:59:00.002-08:002015-12-14T17:59:56.881-08:00When He Says: "You Complete Me"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">"You complete me." </span></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-size: x-large;">- Tom Cruise, </span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-size: x-large;">Jerry Maguire</span></i></b></div>
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<span style="color: #999999;">****************</span></div>
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names have been omitted in this post </div>
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December 2015 </div>
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<b>this post contains language </b></div>
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"Did I make you feel complete?" He asked me.<br />
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"No." I replied. "I don't believe we ever feel complete with someone. I don't believe in that concept. I believe we have to feel complete first before we can even begin to think about being with someone else. We each have to feel whole, complete, healthy of our own accord… to aspire to being our best self first, happy on our own. And I would tell anyone that, it's not specific to you. The truth is… when we were together I felt like I was steering the ship on my own. If I'm on my own I don't mind steering it, I'm fully capable. But if I'm with someone I don't want to feel as though I'm steering alone. I expect them to be beside me... weathering the storms together, searching for a harbor, whatever… not me on my own wondering where my partner went MIA to." I explained.<br />
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"I let you lead because I assumed that's what you wanted… because you said you didn't want to be controlled by a man." He told me.<br />
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"I don't want to be controlled. And I don't want to have to do it all either. There's a difference. I don't mind being the man on my own if I have to. I've done it before, I can do it again. I can fight tooth and nail, I can do whatever I have to, call it grit, perseverance, whatever you like. But if I have to be the man when I<b> have</b> a man… there is a serious problem. A man leads and protects… he is self assured and knows that more than anything the woman he loves needs his shoulder occasionally to rest her head on… to know he is there, unwavering. I can finance myself, I can put out fires… get me a man who knows all the other or don't bother. Get me somebody who gives a shit. Who actually worries when I don't get home when I think I will… who sits up and waits to see me… a man who offers to drive without my asking because he truly cares. I don't need someone who thinks "Jennifer's strong. No need to worry. She always pulls through." I want someone who says "I <b>know</b> she's strong but I want to be there beside her in this journey called life." I responded.<br />
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"Well, I can do a lot but time travel isn't in my repertoire. I can't change what has happened. These things can be worked out… you make me feel emotionally complete like no one else ever has." He replied.<br />
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I sighed. "That's part of the issue! You should feel good on your own. It's too much pressure to put that on someone else. Because eventually the person you're with will have a bad day, they might be grouchy, not look their best, or get a cold. Then what? You look elsewhere? I feel perfectly content and happy on my own. I'm living a nice life. I've been blessed beyond measure. I had the counseling I needed post divorce to deal with the fallout of my marriage and find healing. I exercise and try to eat healthy minus the chocolate. I have a sweet daughter and good friends… I'm thankful for the things that matter. For the first time my life is good… I don't have the toxicity from a bad marriage. And I'm not signing up for another one. This "you complete me" stuff is a no go. Create a beautiful life, be happy, confident and complete on your own and then you'll be ready for someone."<br />
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"The rest will work itself out in time. As long as the love is there, the rest will work itself out." He said.<br />
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"I don't believe that." I shook my head. "Isn't there a song "All You Need Is Love?" I hate that song… because it blinds people to the truth… love is <b>not</b> enough… it takes so much more. It takes two people who can steer their own ships first and are content doing it… but decide to sail together because they <b>want</b> to… not because of some dependent incomplete need to."<br />
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"No, it doesn't take more. Love <b>is </b>enough. This is just a matter of whether <b>you're </b>wiling to do the work necessary to work through it!" He retorted.<br />
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"Look… "I exhaled and calmly continued "We have been back and forth on this. I've discussed it, I've told you how I feel… I'm not willing to "complete" anyone… they have to do that themselves… either through therapy and self growth, spiritual growth, whatever… I cannot be the "fixer" or the bandaid for someone else. I'm not taking that on. And I'm <b>not</b> accepting this being thrown on me either. Each person is responsible for their healthy state and feeling good about who they are and knowing what they have to offer in a relationship. What I'm offering you is friendship… that's what is being served and on the table. I simply cannot and will not do more. I know it's not what you want to hear, it's not what I foresaw, not what you wanted, nor how I believed this would turn out. But it is unfortunately where we are. It is what it is. Our perspectives are too different and I see too many things that are deal breakers for me."<br />
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"Okay, if that's how you feel, I respect that, but it saddens me. I won't bring it up again." He replied.<br />
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<b>A person cannot expect to be in a healthy relationship by wearing down whom they are pursuing or are already in a relationship with through tactics of intimidation, pity, coercement, fear, etc. It will always fail. That isn't love, that is entrapment. </b><br />
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<b>~ Jennifer Gafford </b><br />
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A partner saying: "You complete me" essentially equals them depleting you… it's a hallmark sign when someone says "I feel complete with you" that they are not healthy. In fact, it's a sign that a relationship with them will be downright toxic. When someone expects someone else to complete them, make them feel whole, etc… they are placing pressure and unrealistic expectations upon whom their with. We all have expectations in our relationships. That isn't the issue. What matters is more specifically what are our expectations? Are they healthy?<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>HEALTHY EXPECTATIONS: </b></span><br />
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I expect my partner to treat me with kindness and respect<br />
I expect my partner to be loyal and faithful to me<br />
I expect my partner to be there for me but not be my everything<br />
I expect my partner to spend time with me<br />
I expect my partner and I to feel closer as the relationship progresses<br />
I expect my partner to feel complete and whole on their own<br />
I expect my partner to take care of their physical and mental health<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Questions To Ask Yourself: </b></span><br />
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<b>1. </b>Does this person expect me to make them feel good about themselves?<br />
<b>2. </b>Does this person expect me to boost their ego and confidence?<br />
<b>3. </b>Does this person expect me to be their everything?<br />
<b>4. </b>Does this person expect to spend all their time with me?<br />
<b>5. </b>Does this person smother me?<br />
<b>6.</b> Does this person drain me or energize me? Do they whine? Plead? Manipulate? Guilt Trip?<br />
<b>7. </b>Does this person make me feel guilty when I set boundaries or attempt to with them?<br />
<b>8. </b>Does this person make me exasperated because they don't or won't grasp the issue at hand?<br />
<b>9. </b>Does this person make me feel bad for them? Sorry for them? Does their guilt make me change?<br />
<b>10. </b>Does this person expect more from me than I am willing or able to give and are they expecting much more from me than what they are willing to do for me?<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>IN CONCLUSION… </i></b></span><br />
<br />
Both men and women who are comfortable in their own skin, who are taking care of their physical health, who are receiving therapy if needed, who know that no one can make them feel complete and whole are practicing self care. Men and women who are not dependent upon someone else to make them happy are ready for a relationship. We attract what we are living. It's one thing to expect your partner to be a safe place for you… <b>they should be</b>… a soft place for you to land after the hardness of the world each day… they should be a place where you feel heard and understood… most of all <b>LOVED</b>.<br />
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BUT... they <b>can't</b> be your everything. That's draining. That's life detracting. That's not sailing on a ship somewhere beautiful… instead it's one person hanging an anchor around your neck and making you drown ever so slowly and painfully to your inevitable death.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 </span></div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-34487832122147509732015-12-10T10:08:00.003-08:002015-12-10T11:57:23.737-08:00Dating A Narcissist: 3 More Red Flags<br>
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<span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "noto sans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i>“Close Up Of A Man Using Mobile Phone” by stock images</i></span><span style="color: #cccccc; font-family: "noto sans" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i> via FreeDigitalPhotos.net</i></span><span style="color: #d10036; font-family: "noto sans" , sans-serif; font-size: 26px;"> </span></div>
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names have been omitted in this post </div>
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December 2015 </div>
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I sat across from my therapist in skinny jeans and a black hoodie discussing the patterns I had begun noticing during the short course of my recent relationship. I explained how the small signs eventually grew to such large red flags I was no longer able to minimize or ignore them.<br>
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"It was unreal… the amount of text messages he was sending… page after page of rambling texts about his love, sentiment and passion for me… along with a constant update of his day no matter how minute. I'd send a quick reply, or not respond because I couldn't or didn't see a need to… and yet an hour or so later there would be another string of texts." I paused and then continued "The odd thing was even after I initially mentioned how he was texting so much he didn't let up. He even went so far as to say that he didn't need me to respond, that he was fine with just sending me his thoughts…" I trailed off, thinking how very narcissistic of him.<br>
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She sat across from me and shook her head "I'm wondering how on earth he worked and accomplished anything during the day… if he's sending you this many texts. These aren't really texts… this is more like journaling." She pointed out.<br>
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I nodded and agreed "I had thought the same thing. And if a guy is texting you that much you have to wonder how much quality time he's spending with his child… it makes you question him as a father. I even pointed that out to him. He came back with excuses. Everything became a red flag as the relationship progressed. He began pushing to want to move in with me. I told him that I wasn't living with a man unless we were married and we needed to take things slow. He said it made more financial sense to live together. Ha! Toward the end I began seeing signs that his "walk with God" didn't match what was biblically correct. That was yet another sign."<br>
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She concurred and spoke "I definitely see red flags."<br>
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We chatted a little more and finally she smiled at me with a sigh of relief "But you know now… you saw the signs and heeded them. And I will tell you that in the first three months of dating someone is when we decide what are the deal breakers… and when we typically see any red flags. So what are you wanting to do now?" She asked.<br>
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"My mother says I'm too closed off, that I'm not receptive to men." I told her.<br>
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She nodded "Well, you do have to be open. You can meet someone anywhere… at the museum, a sporting event, even the grocery store. But you have to make eye contact, smile and speak."<br>
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"Yeah…"I trailed off.<br>
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She peered at me "What age man are you thinking you'd be interested in?"<br>
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"I'm not into zip lining, scuba diving, Six Flags, all that. I think it makes it really hard when you're not. My age group from what I've gathered on the dating sites seem to gravitate toward that stuff. I would enjoy a date seeing a show and having dinner, maybe a play or a movie…get dessert, go to the museum… I'm thinking a little older might be a better match." I told her.<br>
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She nodded "I would agree… although generally speaking not all thirty five year old men are immature. There are exceptions."<br>
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I spoke "I'm thinking the oldest around forty nine, fifty" I told her. "I just turned thirty nine."<br>
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She concurred "I wouldn't go any older than that… I'd try to stay around forty five. I've had many couples meet on the dating sites match and eharmony." She informed me "Have you considered those?"<br>
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"Yes" I nodded "The online dating thing kinda scares me."<br>
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She grinned "That's what I'm here for. You print off their profile and bring it to me. I'll take a look."<br>
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I smiled and nodded, thanking her.<br>
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<b>At the beginning of a new relationship we may be so giddy and high from the chemical feelings that accompany new love that we aren't thinking clearly. But it's so important that we stay grounded and watch for signs that we are with someone that isn't truly capable of loving us… but more like putting us through grief and heartbreak. In my recent relationship there were so many red flags… here are three more I observed…</b><br>
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<b>1.</b> During my parents marriage everything revolved around what my father wanted to do. He chose the trips, the meals, the homes purchased, the repairs done, the furniture bought, the vehicles driven, etc. My mother had zero voice in nearly forty years of marriage… if she tried to speak up and assert what she wanted, fits, pouting and passive aggressive behavior on his part like driving erratically in the car to intimidate her would ensue. I soon began to notice similar behaviors with the man I dated… he always pushed for the restaurant he wanted to eat at… he whined I had taken a trip and he would have liked to have gone… it was 99.9% of the time about what he wanted to do. A man who behaves like a man knows it's not all about him… that it takes two people to be considered a couple, to be in a relationship… and remembers that his partner should have a voice and decision making in what she wants as well.<br>
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<b>2.</b> My twelve year marriage was devoid of passion and chemistry. Many people who have been with narcissists and sociopaths have stated that the sex was passion filled. Perhaps some narcissists and sociopaths are skilled in the bedroom… my marriage was not one that fit that description. Our sex life was more comparable to my painful "going through the motions with crossed arms" and a "let's get this over with" type scenario. When you live like that for so long it can't be helped but to feel incredibly jipped… when one partner is more focused on <b>their</b> quick release(!) than actually taking the time for both people to enjoy the moment mutually. So imagine my surprise when one kiss with the man I dated made me want more… chemistry so electrifying that I was somewhat blushingly caught off guard at how he made me feel with the cup of my face and his lips on mine. He began to talk about all the things he wanted to do after we married; him voicing his burning desire to please me sexually one day as a husband. His future intentions murmured in my ear amidst forehead kisses soon became a red flag. The issue was his soon <b>all-consuming focus on it</b> that set off my radar and made me begin to cringe... our future sex life appeared to be his main focus, not just one of the many important elements that make up a relationship. Soon it wasn't really all about the idea of pleasing me one day but instead puffing how brilliant his skills were. As I began to hear more and more I considered giving him a gold sticker for patting himself on the back… but then came to the conclusion he'd already started his own sticker collection.<br>
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<b>3. </b>Empaths are guilty of being people pleasers, givers, ready to help to a fault and over extending themselves. They often find it difficult to set boundaries with people… especially those of a narcissistic nature as narc's are typically always takers and users. As my relationship progressed I began feeling used, noticing he always needed a favor… he needed to store some things at my place, he needed to do some laundry at my place, he needed me to drive, etc. It was always something it seemed. And yet when the night came that I needed some assurance he was there for me… he was unwilling and going to sleep. (You can read that post <a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2015/11/breaking-up-with-emotionally-unhealthy.html" target="_blank">here</a>) The stark difference in our behaviors shone brightly and I cringed at each incident… silently tallying, chalking up yet more points against him… him blindly losing me more and more each day until I could no longer remain silent, confronted him and abruptly broke it off.<br>
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<b>When it comes to dipping our feet back in the dating pool we can try to look at it from a positive viewpoint… yes, we will have bad days and wonder if we will ever meet someone healthy. But those of us who have been with narcissists and sociopaths we ourselves are a work in progress getting healthy… we are practicing setting boundaries and healthy expectations not only for ourselves but for the relationship and person we will one day marry. Realizing we are dating another narcissist is not the end of the world… disappointing? Without a doubt, yes. But with each person we are gaining strength and putting our knowledge to the test… we are looking for red flags and becoming better at pinpointing them sooner than before. We are becoming confident and less doubtful of signs we need to heed. And with each relationship we are one step closer to becoming the healthiest version of ourselves… so we can be ready to not just fall in love with someone amazing but most importantly… not lose ourselves doing it.</b><br>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 </span></span><br>
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To My Readers: </div>
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Thank you for reading, </div>
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commenting and sharing! </div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-26271711818607327632015-12-01T16:40:00.003-08:002015-12-01T17:58:30.455-08:00Dating A Sociopath: 5 Warning Signs To Cut The Cord<div>
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names have been omitted in this post </div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">November 2015 </div>
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<b>this post contains some language</b> </div>
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I sat curled up on the opposite end of the taupe couch from my mother wearing gray lounge pants, a dark navy pullover, a thick scarf around my neck and hair in a bun atop my head. It was the week of Thanksgiving… my daughter was at her dad's and we were enjoying some down time, specifically some girl time watching marathons of Julia Robert's movies, making hot cocoa and enjoying hot soup. The temps in Texas had dipped to the forties at night and with the northern wind it had brought rain along with it. I listened to the rain coming down outside, the television flashing commercials across the room from me and my mother spoke, picking up from a conversation interrupted by our show earlier.<br>
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"I mean… I just don't understand something… how is it that I was married to your father for almost forty years and yet somehow… I don't even know how this is possible…" She admitted ruefully. "But generally speaking, mind you, how can you have a much, much lower opinion of men than I even do?" She asked, looking at me dumbfounded.<br>
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Silence.<br>
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"I don't know…" I finally replied. "Do I?" I asked her.<br>
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She stared at me like I had to be kidding… "What's the first thing you think to yourself when a man looks at you like he's interested?" She asked me. "I mean, honestly."<br>
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I didn't miss a beat. "Typically I think shit off." I replied bluntly. <br>
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She stared at me. "You have a problem." She declared. "What are you going to do about it?" She pressed.<br>
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I laughed uncomfortably and shifted on the couch, my arms crossed, my body language closed off. "I have a problem?" I echoed. "Really?"<br>
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"Yeah. Men smile and talk to me all the time. I just have a conversation with them. And they just smile…" She trailed off catching my expression.<br>
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I shrugged in response. I thought back to a conversation I'd had with the guy I'd recently dated. We had been in the car one day and he asked me in an amused tone "So… do you think I'm a sociopath?" I had reflexively gripped the leather steering wheel tighter and glanced over at him. He stared at me with a piercing gaze waiting for a response. "At this point I assume anyone is." I replied cooly. I remembered a Dr. Phil video I'd watched where he'd talked about how we are crazy to ever give people the benefit of the doubt. He said instead we need to gather information about everyone we meet before we hand over our hearts, trust, etc. Everyone is suspect until they've proved their not.<br>
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"Yeah. You have a problem." She told me adamantly. "I mean, how do you think you're ever going to meet someone? You don't go anywhere! You work, you run errands, you come home. You meet friends for a meal or fun. That's it. And most of them are married or don't know anyone to introduce you to. When are you going to get out there? When are you going to start putting yourself out there so you can meet someone? Do you think he's just going to show up and knock on your door?" She asked me incredulously.<br>
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"That'd be way easier." I replied dryly not finding the conversation enjoyable at all. Wasn't there something I needed to be doing right now? Like re-organizing all the closets or scrubbing bathroom grout with a toothbrush? Something that took an eternity to complete? <br>
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She sighed, her exasperation showing.<br>
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"What?" I asked her, my question coming out with an uncomfortable half laugh. I looked over at her. "I don't want to talk about this anymore." I told her wanting to <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">end the conversation.</span><br>
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"You don't want to talk about it anymore because you know I'm right, that's why!" She insisted.<br>
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I wrinkled my nose. "No" I replied. "I just don't see why you're bringing this up. What is all this about, anyway?" I asked and got up to retrieve some extra paper napkins from the kitchen nearby.<br>
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She sighed "Okay. I just wish you'd be honest and admit you'd rather be comfortable. You'd rather not get out of your comfort zone to meet someone." She told me. Then in the silence she finally asked "What is it that you're so afraid of?" </div>
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I didn't respond. What was this? A therapy session? I swallowed hard and fiddled with the now fraying edge of my white paper napkin. A cup of broccoli cheese soup sat on the coffee table growing cold.<br>
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She had hit a nerve and now another one. I sat silent absorbing everything she'd said. Thankfully the show returned to the screen and my time in the hot seat had come to an end.<br>
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But I kept thinking on what she said… mulling it over in my mind. Finally, even though I didn't want to admit it, I realized she was right. Mom's or those closet to us like friends are good that way. They will tell us the very painful and not so pretty things we need to hear… truths that maybe we don't want to hear but in reality ring loud and clear. Maybe one contributing factor was being an introvert, I admitted. Perhaps another factor no matter how cliche; I was tired of being disappointed and didn't want to find myself hitched to yet another psycho.<br>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><b style="font-size: x-large;">"The human condition is imperfect </b></span></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><b style="font-size: x-large;">and when we realize we will endure </b></span></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><b style="font-size: x-large;">hurts that affect our outlook in </b></span></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><b style="font-size: x-large;">life we can give ourselves </b></span></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><b style="font-size: x-large;">compassion </b></span></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><b style="font-size: x-large;">and begin to grow </b></span></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><b style="font-size: x-large;">beyond where we currently are.</b><b style="font-size: x-large;"> </b></span></span></span><br>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Diminishing how we feel </b></span></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>makes us stuck. </b></span></span><br>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Accepting how we feel </b></span></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>makes us stronger."</b></span></span><br>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b> - Jennifer Gafford<span style="font-size: large;"> </span></b></span></div>
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At this point I wasn't certain if all men were needy or it was just a <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">glaring sign of the dysfunctional men I'd been with. The man I'd married and then the man I had recently dated had pushed for much more interaction via text and phone than what I'd wanted nor believed to be normal. I wasn't certain what was considered healthy in terms of the amount of interaction one would or should have during a typical day with someone their dating. However, based on what I'd experienced; the constant over the top staying in touch only served to drive me away. It made me believe all men were needy, insecure, what have you and that was enough to make me say just forget it. </span><br>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><b>But just when we begin to subscribe to a "Oh, just forget it!" type attitude… someone comes along that changes our mind… that makes us pause… that convicts us, that makes us freeze… they are saying all the things that touch our heart because they make our eyes wet in response. </b></span><b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">So I'm going to share with you what I was told today: </b></div></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #666666;">"I want you to know it gets better. It will. Don't give up, don't throw in the towel, don't let your heart become hardened. There is someone out there. You're going to meet someone and it will be great. It's going to be okay."</span> </b></span></div>
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In my last (very short) relationship I saw early signs of dysfunction (thank the good Lord) before I cut the cord. Here are five things I observed... </div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><b>1. <i>FLATTERY </i></b></span><br>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">If he's texting you incessantly with over the top flattery and gushes of love: "I love you so much and always will", "I wish I'd met you when we were younger, I'd love for you to have my children", "I believe we are soul mates, we were designed for one another", "You're all I think about and I want to be around you all the time", "You're so amazing and I'm the luckiest man on the face of the earth." He's "love-bombing" you. This is a classic tactic of narcissists and sociopaths. They love to show how much they adore you via words but sadly the actions very often do not match up... at least not for the long haul. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><b>2. <i>INSECURITY</i></b></span><br>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">He shows his insecurity by saying things like: "I don't deserve someone like you", "I never thought I could get someone so beautiful, talented, kind as you". What he's not telling you is this: Deep down I really hate and resent you for it too... because you're such a reminder of my inadequacies. The flip side of a man saying: "I never thought I could get someone like you" is after they say it enough you begin to wonder: So WHY am I with you?? Because even YOU think I could do better! So I guess I should. The truth is... insecurity is never attractive. Cockiness isn't either. Finding someone who has a healthy amount of confidence is key. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><br></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><b>3. <i>CONTROL</i></b> </span><br>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;">You go to his house and you're wearing the watch you picked out and bought when you were married... and the necklace your ex bought you (the necklace you still love). He looks at what you're wearing and says "And... you wore that here." He promptly buys you a new watch. Excuse me? I can wear whatever I choose. His behavior shows control and insecurity. </span></div>
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<b>4. <i>PRESSURE</i></b><br>
He begins pressuring you about a ring and getting married. He's looking at rings and talking about having something custom made when you've asked him several times to put the brakes on because he's moving too fast. And yet... he ignores your request and continues. </div>
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<b>5. <i>DISRESPECT</i></b><br>
He's disrespectful of your time and selfish. You tell him you're going to be busy that evening because you have plans. And yet he texts you incessantly the entire evening wanting to engage in a all night text-a-thon. He doesn't respect your boundaries and puts his needs ahead of your much needed time with others.</div>
<div><div style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #6a6a6a; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 28px; padding: 1em 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 </span></span></div><div style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #6a6a6a; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 28px; padding: 1em 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcY69e9j_W8a6RH6RsLpNIBMm-D9P06Q767BOCwtjZGC285nai7MHh7P7ROBaoYT94VOeq3FPKcCyTapkgEjjtiSo1s1qXz49kDYhHtSEzHDcCEr-7VBLGbhrDS1JFl35nxvy5EhhDyWyC/s640/blogger-image--754041085.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcY69e9j_W8a6RH6RsLpNIBMm-D9P06Q767BOCwtjZGC285nai7MHh7P7ROBaoYT94VOeq3FPKcCyTapkgEjjtiSo1s1qXz49kDYhHtSEzHDcCEr-7VBLGbhrDS1JFl35nxvy5EhhDyWyC/s640/blogger-image--754041085.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL3Lk3t0sPT79Zw-ng0PHSaV9cCYyAfMPstKcqAq7F_FwlxkN8hcNwWcYLC2hcA2o5c-s3cape6xoGfYWp8cGUpy76Fe7Ic6dYZoqUuH6EriW1wHOIn4iLx7CP9qY5ft6SOI_zLbXhuCbB/s640/blogger-image--200050014.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="text-align: center; font-size: 14px; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL3Lk3t0sPT79Zw-ng0PHSaV9cCYyAfMPstKcqAq7F_FwlxkN8hcNwWcYLC2hcA2o5c-s3cape6xoGfYWp8cGUpy76Fe7Ic6dYZoqUuH6EriW1wHOIn4iLx7CP9qY5ft6SOI_zLbXhuCbB/s640/blogger-image--200050014.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq_VfY6cFeOG1P8xUbB_Umad6_W3DQQFDgYFyEfdXS_muegM1e2ZiTBvoXMvWzVioZqBBqtTG44hNb7kbdJWF1QdCtiyHhd6vWXFXpNDhYFEmQuxNxZgx_OcIx96FWU28H6qwoSu0rFVCY/s640/blogger-image-538986961.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq_VfY6cFeOG1P8xUbB_Umad6_W3DQQFDgYFyEfdXS_muegM1e2ZiTBvoXMvWzVioZqBBqtTG44hNb7kbdJWF1QdCtiyHhd6vWXFXpNDhYFEmQuxNxZgx_OcIx96FWU28H6qwoSu0rFVCY/s640/blogger-image-538986961.jpg"></a></div><br></div></div></div></div><div style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #6a6a6a; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 28px; padding: 1em 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><div style="text-align: center;">_________________________________________</div>
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Fasting and praying for a mate involves not only commitment to God, but also confidence in God. Abraham was telling his servant that the Lord who promised his descendants would inherit the land would also provide the descendants. Our second principle then introduces faith in divine guidance. This faith was not some nebulous faith, but an expressed faith. It was a faith that inspires us to follow.</div>
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We can expect God to intervene in our situations because He will honor our commitment and give us contentment while we are waiting. Abraham’s servant got up and got going. Faith is not passive. It steps out on the promises of God. Read more via… <a href="http://tonyevans.org/tag/marriage/" target="_blank">Tony Evans </a></div>
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<b>To My Readers: </b><b>Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing! </b></div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-62207852373500098762015-11-22T18:30:00.004-08:002015-11-22T21:35:27.277-08:00Breaking Up With An Emotionally UnHealthy & Immature Man<br>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely<br>
I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue<br>
I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted<br>
And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new</div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
Worry, why do I let myself worry?<br>
Wondering what in the world did I do?<br>
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you<br>
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying</div>
<div class="verse" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: proxnov-reg, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 16px;">
And I'm crazy for loving you<br>
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you<br>
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying<br>
And I'm crazy for loving you.</div>
<span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-family: , "arial" , sans-serif; line-height: 16px;"><br style="box-sizing: border-box;"><br style="box-sizing: border-box;">Patsy Cline - Crazy Lyrics | MetroLyrics </span><br>
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<i style="font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #999999; font-size: xx-small;">“I Am Crazy About You On Mobile Means Love” </span></i></div>
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<i style="font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #999999; font-size: xx-small;">by Stuart Miles via FreeDigitalPhotos.net </span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">November 2015 </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">names have been omitted in this post </span></div>
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"I just don't think I should have to tell you how to be in a relationship… "I explained gingerly, choosing my words with care. "I mean, I just don't believe I should have to explain the very basics. I got lost leaving your house that one night and had no business driving after dark when I can't see well. I've told you that…." I reminded him. "I flew to Savannah Georgia for a week long vacation and as someone who tells me he loves and cares about me it wouldn't have been out of the ordinary for you to offer to take me to the airport and pick me up." I told him calmly. "It wouldn't have been out of the ordinary for me to expect that of you. Words alone aren't enough. Actions matter. Yet you didn't offer and then when I return to find my car with a dead battery at the airport I text you and let you know I made it in but I'm waiting for a jump from the airport courtesy service… you tell me ok and that you're going to sleep. I didn't feel cared for. It's not insane for me to expect more than this. I deserve more than this." I added, thinking of all the hell I had been through with my ex and standing firm that I wasn't going to entertain a relationship with another unhealthy person. Stand strong, I told myself… you don't have to accept this.<br>
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Soon came the blaming… the twisting and finger pointing…"Well… you're so independent and I didn't want to take that from you. And you should have asked me to take you and pick you up. I wondered why you didn't." He told me.<br>
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Shock went through me. "Excuse me?" I responded "My independence?" I echoed "Yeah, I'm independent. Yeah, I can drive myself. I've done it before. But what a cop-out on your part. I shouldn't have to ask you." I replied. My thoughts swirled and I thought how incredibly lazy his actions were. His actions didn't reflect love and care. Not even friendship. Far from it. More like thoughtless and indifferent.<br>
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I asked him to come pick up the few things he'd left at my home… DVD'S from movie night, a sketch pad, etc. He did begrudgingly and as I stood on the front lawn with oversized Jackie O sunglasses on to hide my face he peered at me closely, scrutinizing and spoke… "You're pulling away from me. You're doing the same thing you did to your <a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/cheating-50-shades-of-lies-5-reasons-to.html" target="_blank">ex</a> right before you left him. I can feel it. Please take your sunglasses off and let me look at you." He said and reached out to slip my sunglasses off my face.<br>
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I dodged his out-reached grasp by backing up and pursed my lips saying nothing. My silence said everything. But my mind was spinning. I bit my tongue and held back. I didn't feel safe to say much. A man's words to me once echoed in my head "Don't poke the bear…" and I clung to them… just ease him out of here, I thought to myself. I pasted a smile on my face, told him I'd be in touch sometime soon, that I had a lot on my plate for now, managed one last weak smile and gently told him goodbye with a hug. Then watched as he drove away.<br>
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Soon came the texts to follow… the gates opened and what resembled crazy came pouring out at me "You're right, please give me another chance…" and then back to more blaming... "I'm not a mind reader and a psychic..." Soon came in texts upon harassing texts… texts that ranged from crying "I care about you and love you and don't want to lose you…" to "I promise I won't text you again…" and then ironically, oh so painfully the phone pinged that another stream of despondent forlorn texts had arrived. Texts that if printed would fill a book… texts that became more and more desperate to get a response. Texts that left me with shaking hands and my beginning to feel like I was <a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2015/03/recovery-from-ptsd-after-narcissistic.html" target="_blank">trapped</a> and held hostage in some kind of texting hell. No, no, no. Make. It. Stop. I thought as I finally silenced my phone after days of non-stop harassment.<br>
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Soon came an unannounced visit to my home with roses and I had had enough. I finally broke my silence and texted him that his excessive texting and visit was making me begin to think I needed a restraining order. More texts streamed in that he didn't want me to feel that way and he was so sorry and that he just didn't want to lose me and he didn't understand how he had screwed up so bad.<br>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">A man's words mean nothing </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">if his actions don't reflect love. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;"><br></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">A man's love means nothing </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">if he twists and blames you for where he failed. </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;"><br></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">A man's sanity is questioned if he doesn't know to step back and assess his behavior and give space to others but instead engages in a desperate plea that only serves to further push you away and question your very safety. </span></b></div>
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<span style="color: purple;"><b><br></b></span></div>
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<b><u>10 SIGNS HE'S NOT EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY OR MATURE:</u></b><br>
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<b>1.</b> He doesn't practice the basics of chivalry; opening doors, offering to pick you up, ensuring you make it home safely, carrying heavy things, walking on the side of the sidewalk closet to the street, etc.<br>
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<b>2.</b> Not being able to assess an issue in a relationship with calm focus and give space when needed; forcing interaction, attempting to wear you down through harassment, waffling between twisting the truth to blaming and then becoming emotionally unhinged; showing desperation, crying, appearing despondent.<br>
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<b>3. </b>Being emotionally dependent on you; expecting you to fulfill him emotionally 24/7… which is narcissistic, self-centered and draining for you.<br>
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<b>4. </b>Expecting you to give, give, give but giving very little to nothing in return in terms of care and support… you begin to feel used instead of loved.<br>
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<b>5.</b> He spends time trying to get you to think like him, like what he likes and do what he wants instead of seeing the relationship as a sharing of individual likes, interests, goals and dreams.<br>
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<b>6.</b> Reacting in an unhealthy manner because he doesn't get his way; you voice displeasure about something and instead of him reacting with: "I understand. I get what you're telling me. I'm sorry for doing (or not doing) x,y,z" simple and to the point… instead you find yourself on the receiving end of emotions that are all over the place.<br>
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<b>7.</b> He plays the victim and says that you're making him suffer.<br>
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<b>8.</b> He uses guilt as a tactic to make you feel sorry for setting healthy boundaries for yourself or expressing very basic expectations.<br>
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<b>9.</b> He begins to be seen as a child in your eyes instead of a man; shirking his responsibilities and/or showing extreme neediness toward you (which is often what you later realize is really control).<br>
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<b>10.</b> He wears you out… you find yourself becoming tired and worn down where you once had energy and strength. It's time to make a change and get back to living your life. And tell him goodbye.<br>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 </span><br>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-4801556738276358642015-11-19T18:43:00.001-08:002015-11-20T04:08:55.273-08:00Relationships: Setting Healthy Boundaries & Expectations<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; text-align: start;">November 2015 </span></div>
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Walking in the front door my gray leather booties clacked on the entry floor and I paused to lean over and unzip them. Slipping my feet out of them I set my oversized bag on the zebra printed bench. Wearing skinny jeans and an oversized plaid button down shirt I removed my watch and set it on the Queen Anne entry table.<br />
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"Hey! I'm home!" I called out to my mother.<br />
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She emerged from the den in her pajamas with an alarmed expression on her face.<br />
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"Hey! Where have you been?!" She exclaimed with concern.<br />
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I rolled my eyes and yanked the hair elastic off my right wrist so I could begin pulling my hair into a messy bun atop my head.<br />
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"Where haven't I been! You would not believe my night! I've just been on a tour of all of DFW, that's where! I don't even know how it happened! How the heck I ended up heading north to Colleyville, I have NO IDEA!" I told her.<br />
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Her eyes widened "Colleyville?!" She exclaimed. "What the heck? Well, I've been sitting here getting worried wondering where on earth you were!" She replied.<br />
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"I know, I figured you were. I was trying to get home! I STILL don't know what I did wrong… which turn I missed." I admitted as I followed her into the kitchen and began opening the stainless steel fridge to survey what was available to eat. Milk, eggs and leftovers from the dinner I'd cooked the night before of chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans were revealed. I was absolutely starving and it was late. I wanted something sweet.<br />
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"Why did he not drive you home?" She demanded. "You shouldn't have gone to his place to hang out! Here it is… late, DARK and you can't see well at night. You have NO business out driving at night and he should know that. You're getting all turned around and lost and he's sitting on his ass at his house. There is something wrong with this picture." She told me angrily. She pursed her lips and crossed her arms as she watched me yank a gallon of peppermint ice cream out of the freezer and begin digging into it with a spoon. Peppermint goodness swirled in my mouth from a bite and I waved my spoon with irritation in the air as I spoke.<br />
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"Yeah! I know! I shouldn't have driven to his place. I should have just told him if he wanted to see me he could come by here. Instead I'm getting lost and can't see worth a you-know-what because my eyes are so dry." I agreed and then added "I've told him I can't see well to drive at night."<br />
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"Yes, yes you did." She nodded "And he should take it seriously. And he should be looking out for you. Supposedly he cares SO much about you and yet you're the one driving at night and getting lost. He should have driven over HERE to see you, taken you out for a proper dinner and then brought you back home." She shook her head "This is all crap. You need a man. A REAL man! These are NOT the actions of a man. A real man does what he's supposed to do without being told to do it." She declared.<br />
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I sighed because her words were hitting a nerve of truth and I dipped my spoon in for another cold minty bite and thought about what she was saying. Finally I spoke "I've been questioning whether he's too young. Too immature. I'm just… "I trailed off and was quiet.<br />
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She finally spoke "I agree. I really do believe you need someone older. At least fifty to be honest."<br />
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I turned and smiled wryly at her "I was born in the wrong time period. I know that. I should have been born in the fifties or sixties. Men of my generation… "I shook my head and took another bite of ice cream "I hate to say it but generally speaking there are so many that are lazy. So many men don't even want to mow the yard, they think Netflix and chill aka a movie and sex is a date. The majority of them are obsessed with Star Wars which I hate. I don't want to sit on my butt and watch movies all the time. I hate sports, especially NASCAR which doesn't even constitute as a real sport but a mind numbing zone you enter comparable to watching a hamster on a wheel. I can tolerate, even enjoy hockey occasionally. I'd like a man who has energy, who makes staying in shape a priority, who can fix something with his hands or at least tries. A man who wants to travel. A man who shows he loves you by ensuring you reach home safely… it goes back to actions not words alone. Someone who enjoys art and design, reads and can form a proper sentence. Someone who is trying to make a difference." I grimaced and shook my head. "I guess I'm just really frustrated." I admitted to her.<br />
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"I agree. And you need someone older. You need someone who knows what to do. I'd just hate to see you settle after finally leaving that first cockroach. The next one better be amazing." She reminded me.<br />
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"I should have told him to come pick me up. I'm falling back into a lack of boundaries I think." I murmured thoughtfully, mentally chastising myself.<br />
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She sighed with exasperation "No, stop that! You're blaming yourself now! HE'S the one who is supposed to be the man here. You shouldn't have to ASK him to come pick you up!" She stressed to me.<br />
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"Oh, heck! I know that!" I retorted with furrowed brows. "But at the same time, I NEED to be setting better boundaries. I should have NEVER offered to drive to his place. Yes, if he wanted to see me he should have come over here. He drives so much I was happy to go to him for a change. But dang… at night? Not a good idea. I knew better and yet did it anyway. It wasn't wise. And yet… you're right, at the end of the day, he let me. Shame on him. I'm done." I told her. Then with wet eyes added… "I'm tired of being disappointed. But I am done."<br />
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<b>We know if you've been with someone of a narcissistic nature or a full blown sociopath you're likely a highly empathetic person... a giver. Maybe even to a fault. Maybe to your very detriment. You enjoy helping others and yet... your helpfulness may become personally problematic. Oftentimes later you find yourself irritated, resentful or just plain angry that once again... you guessed it... you over extended yourself; you gave too much and now you're at best depleted.</b><br />
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So what happens when we continually find ourselves in hindsight giving, giving and giving and then wishing we hadn't? </div>
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There are lessons learned. </span></b></div>
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We can take these experiences and begin using them to become healthier. We can use these negative scenarios once we are seeing with clarity to not let them happen again. We can realize that we will have future opportunities to set boundaries and limits regarding how much we give and what we expect of others. Even of ourselves. We have the opportunity everyday to tell ourselves: </div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><b>"I will not give too much today. Yes, there are people out in the world that don't give. It's sad, but true. There are people who are selfish. That is an unfortunate reality of life. However... giving too much of my time, my energy, etc leaves me depleted and unhealthy. And I can't love others if I can't love myself first. Boundaries are healthy and I'm not a bad person when I implement them." </b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015</span><br />
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5 TIPS ON SETTING BOUNDARIES:</span></u> </b></div>
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<b>1. </b>Think back on how often you've said yes. More than likely a lot. Likely you wanted to say no but didn't. Recognize the patterns of past behavior. </div>
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<b>2.</b> Realize that saying no is okay. And that no is an adequate response. We don't have to give further explanation. </div>
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<b>3.</b> Saying yes when we want to say no leads us to feeling mad. We can save ourselves and others a lot of grief by just saying no to begin with. </div>
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<b>4.</b> Stop apologizing when you say no. It's not necessary. </div>
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<b>5.</b> People who have a difficult time setting boundaries and saying no also tend to have difficulty asking for help. They lean toward trying to be too self sufficient and then struggle, becoming stressed out.<br />
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-23697772433786884482015-11-08T06:17:00.001-08:002015-11-08T06:29:59.487-08:00The Narcissistic Sociopath: When You Unknowingly Enter The Discard Phase<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i style="color: #999999; font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">“Love Triangle” by marin via FreeDigitalPhotos.net</i></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Spring 2011</span></div>
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"I'm NOT going!" I yelled at him as I tossed makeup and personal items like hairspray and deodorant into my vanity drawer in the bathroom… slamming the drawer shut with a loud bang.<br>
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"Oh, yes you ARE!" My husband retorted back at me angrily as he proceeded to smooth Rogaine on his receding hairline in front of the bathroom mirror.<br>
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"And WHY is that?!" I exclaimed in likewise anger… then added "I see no reason for me to go to your stupid twentieth high school reunion. You know I hate stuff like that! It's just a bunch of people standing around comparing notes on how everyone's done in life. It's all superficial." I told him.<br>
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"You're going because you're my WIFE! That's why! I'M going… so YOU'RE going!" He yelled back in mounting frustration like I was a petulant three year old child that wouldn't just shut up and behave. He took extra care to comb his hair in place that was still damp from his shower and then proceeded to brush his teeth… like some kind of animal he brushed… the tooth brush bristles were frayed like a dog had chewed on them… it reminded me of my dad's toothbrush when I was little.<br>
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"That's just the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard! Just because you decide to go doesn't mean I need to! Just because were married doesn't mean we have to be hitched at the hip! You always expect me to tag along to this crap… business dinners, company parties… and I'm freaking SICK OF IT! Grow up! Grow some balls! Go by yourself!" I yelled at him completely over what I perceived to be his extreme neediness and control. "You know… you got off the hook completely… I haven't taken you to a single reunion. I went and picked up my diploma from the school and was done with it! How nice for YOU!!!" I added with a tone of nasty sarcasm.<br>
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"Jennifer! JENNIFER!!!" He chastised me. "What part of this do you NOT understand???!!! YOU ARE GOING!!! PERIOD!!! IT'S NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION!!!"<div><br>
With that… he walked off. Like he always did. Conversation over.<br>
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The night finally arrived… the night of his much dreaded twentieth high school reunion. It was going to be held in a room at the convention center downtown… lame name badges and whispered glances ensued as we walked in. I had spent an inordinate amount of time getting ready… hair flat ironed, little black dress, glowing tanner from a bottle, makeup and nails… and painful heels… all of it I'd done to "make him happy" and shut him up when I would have preferred to be at home in my pajamas, hair in a bun and eating a box of cookies in front of the tv or reading a book. But instead I was on his arm internally rolling my eyes at the scene before me. A few people mingled around with their drinks but it seemed for the most part the majority stayed in selective huddles. As I scanned the room, inside I fumed and resentment grew that I was there. Marriage sucked alright, I thought to myself. At least it did with him, I thought, giving him a side glance of contempt.<br>
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We slowly made our way across the room past various groups toward the opposite side where a long white clothed table of catered food was spread out and a bartender stood ready to serve drinks. I noticed that with the exception of his best friend and two women no one initiated conversation with him. It was becoming more and more obvious that we were on our own. Awkward didn't even begin to touch how it felt. I began to wonder what the deal was when the photographer hired began to encourage everyone to move to the staircase and choose a spot for a group photograph. I stood over to the side by the long stretch of windows that looked out at the downtown bustle… couples walked by dressed up to go to dinner and maybe see a show… couples who were having a good time and heads were bent toward one another in closeness and intimate conversation, occasional laughter and genuine smiles. With a drink in my hand I turned back to the room and observed as the class reunion took their places on the staircase and smiled for photo after photo to be taken. A few minutes later the crowd was breaking up from their photo session and it was then I felt someone beside me. A man to my left. I turned slightly to glance over at him.<br>
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"What a night, huh?" He smiled easily at me holding a beer, his eyes twinkling at the nostalgia of it all.<br>
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"Yeah… " I replied "Is this your class?" I asked him not sure if he was one of the graduates or was a spouse of one.<br>
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He smiled and nodded "Yeah… it's been a pretty great night getting to catch up with everyone. Crazy. I can't believe it's been twenty years, you know?"<br>
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I nodded "I'm sure… "<br>
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"So… who are you here with? Who is your husband?" He asked me with curiosity.<br>
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I looked at him and told him my husband's name.<br>
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It was then that his face dropped. No smile. No niceties. No anything. His expression turned from laid-back and friendly to immediately tense. He stared at me as if he wanted to say something. But instead he brushed past me and walked away. Just like that he was gone without a word or explanation. I stood there trying to collect my thoughts in bewilderment. I didn't understand what on earth had just happened. One minute everything was fine and the next… not so much. I took a sip from the small clear plastic cup I held in my hand… and tried to process what had just happened. Clearly there was some reason he had acted that way… there was some reason why my husband's name made him walk off without a word. Little did I know then that the rest of the evening would prove to be disastrous… people weren't interacting with us… and I began to voice that I was ready to leave. "In a minute" I was told despite his attempts at letting people know all about his work, where he lived and what he drove. I was becoming increasingly frustrated and alarmed that obviously there was some valid reason why at least ninety percent of these people were not making an effort to reminisce about high school with him or even what they had been up to the past twenty years.<br>
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Eventually we departed… after much of my tugging on his arm to "come on, were leaving(!)" out of embarrassment for him. I hadn't wanted to come yet at the same time I was so completely unprepared for how the evening had played out… and it left me with more questions than answers. Why did it feel like I had entered the twilight zone when I'd stepped into that room that night? I asked him... "Is there something you haven't told me?" and "Why do none of these people seem to want to interact with you?" and "Did you do something to make these people so blatantly dislike you?"<br>
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Avoidance ensued. Silence. Glancing at his profile as we walked along the now emptying sidewalks of downtown in the windy night I detected growing irritation from him mixed with a set jaw and an ego that had been knocked to the ground if not lower. Something changed that night. I felt it then but didn't really understand it fully until much much later… over a year and a few months later into my divorce. Hindsight is a funny thing. Later that night enduring a horse and carriage ride along the quaint downtown streets with him and his best friend and his girlfriend we all sat in near silence. Internally I questioned how on earth I was with this person. It was like he had been outed for the jerk he was… I was just late to get the memo… over ten years late but it was received that night. And he knew it. That night looking back… I see so clearly now I unknowingly entered the discard stage by him. Slowly but painfully I was being viewed by him as the problem… I wasn't as young as I once was… I wasn't as this or that… I wasn't as willing to just say "okay" anymore and acquiesce to him and whatever he wanted to do. I had become more and more vocal and he didn't like it. That night he knew I no longer saw him as I once had… any remaining view of him in a positive light at that point was extinguished like a smutty cigarette. I saw him fully for who he was. And it wasn't pretty.<br>
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<b><i><span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;">Discard: </span></i></b><br>
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When the narcissistic sociopath has realized the relationship he's had with you has come to an end. He (or she) has used up every bit of good in you… they've taken your self-worth, your happiness, your peace, your confidence, your personal boundaries, your dignity, maybe even your support system…<br>
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Even if you are the one who leaves first either by walking away or filing for divorce, you are still suffering from the emotional fallout of a toxic relationship as you now realize with painful clarity that it was all fake, a fraud, his (or her) love was not real… it was merely a show to gain narcissistic supply to feed their infantile and sick ego.<br>
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The best news is eventually you can get to a healthier place… leaving is the first step. As time goes on and with therapy, self care and lots of support from friends and family… you can live the great life you imagined… experiencing real love, a life without tension, anxiety and eggshells… and feel physically better too. A narcissistic sociopath may discard you for what they believe to be a better choice but with that comes something even greater for you… your freedom.<br>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 </span><div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><br></span></font></div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><br></span></font></div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWtoHoDphcXbn7byZBD8LYd9diIHO7XZN9djfWDvura4x6plb9hzmTPY-BEpJmqFocr8C1ChWKwEoZq1xu6FL5dp4VzOh0ZQKc3PPVlGXdJ99oFwH8-6RWUIIXqSrfSGvvZpKmc2Hkfy0U/s640/blogger-image--436957987.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWtoHoDphcXbn7byZBD8LYd9diIHO7XZN9djfWDvura4x6plb9hzmTPY-BEpJmqFocr8C1ChWKwEoZq1xu6FL5dp4VzOh0ZQKc3PPVlGXdJ99oFwH8-6RWUIIXqSrfSGvvZpKmc2Hkfy0U/s640/blogger-image--436957987.jpg"></a></div></span></font></div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><br></span></font></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><br></span></font></div><div style="text-align: center;"><font face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: xx-small; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255);"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicD1RZiFYPXO3xVcpT0VaSGCgDqNNtCE2Hlvl09XlawPGnfnGklZ0-Va9SGQSxtaG5nptJ-RoLOhHip_IogHNNnwUkOkhHUpiNh8WFMdUIOrPCL-sET3hMlQXUXHwJ_irehMCaMexqq_-h/s640/blogger-image--1446949649.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicD1RZiFYPXO3xVcpT0VaSGCgDqNNtCE2Hlvl09XlawPGnfnGklZ0-Va9SGQSxtaG5nptJ-RoLOhHip_IogHNNnwUkOkhHUpiNh8WFMdUIOrPCL-sET3hMlQXUXHwJ_irehMCaMexqq_-h/s640/blogger-image--1446949649.jpg"></a></div><br></span></font></div>
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</div></div></div>GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-54281834081180228682015-10-23T21:43:00.001-07:002015-10-23T21:51:33.955-07:00The Narcissistic Sociopath & Denial<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #999999; font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i>“Businessman Stop Sign Hand Gesture Isolated On White</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #999999; font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i> Background” </i></span><i style="color: #999999; font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">by steafpong via FreeDigitalPhotos.net </span></i></div>
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We've all been there at one time or another… subscribing to denial. Maybe we deny that the outfit were wearing is not flattering… adamant that we are going to wear it anyway when our figure might be better suited for something else. Maybe were in denial about the person were marrying... when in reality we are a bad match because our core values don't match up. Perhaps someone denies they are a workaholic… despite plenty of evidence to prove otherwise… their family members know all too well that their loved one is always missing at family functions and always seems to be ready with an excuse for their absence. We may subscribe to denial every so often…<b> not </b>necessarily with intent to cause issues or hurt yet living in our fuzzy perception of reality, we also live in a state of denial... that maybe only those close to us can see quite clearly.<br>
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The big issues with denial come into play when someone is KNOWINGLY, <b>MALICIOUSLY </b>denying poor behavior on their part… and causing those who have been hurt by the perpetuator to question their very reality… wondering if they have fallen off their rocker, gone off the deep end, etc because their very sanity has come into question.<br>
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<span style="font-size: large;">That's what a narcissist </span><div><span style="font-size: large;">or sociopath does. </span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>They deny, deny and deny the things they do.</b> </span><br>
<span style="font-size: large;">They will <b>never</b> admit to doing anything wrong. </span><br>
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Healthy functioning adults respect others and they will admit to their mistakes, their poor choices, their regrets. Yes, we may have a difficult time out of guilt, shame and sorrow… maybe even embarrassment. Maybe we stall for awhile to come forth and speak up and admit what we've done… but we eventually do… we swallow our pride, we humble ourselves, we ask God and or others for wise counsel and guidance and try our best to make amends. <br>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Not a narcissist or sociopath.</span></b><br>
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They believe the one whom they hurt had it coming (punishing nature). Or they believe that the target is trying to manipulate them with some pitiful attempt at tears or is a weak idiot for being so "sensitive". </div><div><br></div><div>The narcissist or sociopath will deny what he or she told you last year, last month or even last night. The narcissist or sociopath will deny they pressured you to do x,y,z. The narcissist or sociopath will deny you are sick… deny your symptoms or the severity of them… and will not help you with the medical care you need… we simply cannot count on someone of a narcissistic or sociopathic nature to come to our aid when we are in need of any kind… they will <b>ALWAYS</b> fail us… DENYING AN ISSUE… either saying we are exaggerating our problem and accusing us of being dramatic… calling us crazy or weak… as if we can't "get it together" like he or she. <br>
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<span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><b>"BANDAIDS DON'T FIX </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><b>BULLET HOLES"</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><b> - Taylor Swift, Bad Blood </b></span></div>
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They will say: "I don't know what you're going to do…" essentially letting you take all responsibility for whatever the crises or issue is… you're on your own. With a narcissist or sociopath you're always on your own… they are the most unreliable, unhelpful individuals out there. They throw you in a pool of water and then scream at you that you're drowning…<br>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">"SWIM!!!!" </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">They scream when they </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">know you can't swim…</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b> and then walk off denying they ever threw you in the pool.</b> </span></div>
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They treat you terribly, scold you, criticize you, minimize your feelings, invalidate your reality, outright abuse you… and when you finally break and say: "I can't do this anymore" and walk away… they later tell you that you that they love you, you broke their heart and they just don't understand why you're treating them this way.
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Fall 2013 </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>names have been </i></span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>omitted in this post</i> </span></div>
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"That's not what he told me…" I said, my brows furrowed as I drove to the hotel we were heading to… in the darkness of night I slowly made my way along the inky street… my home was undergoing renovations and my mother and I had made arrangements for us to stay at a Hyatt hotel for a few nights. "He told me that he helped search for me while I was gone… "I told her, referring to when I had left home at seventeen during my junior year of high school… my father had always made it out like he had been an active participant in the search to bring me back home. For almost two decades my mother and I had never spoken of the time when I'd left and now we were finally discussing the incredibly touchy and unspoken time period in our lives for the first time in detail. Fast forward nineteen years to now it appeared I had been fed lies for years on end by him… he obviously never believing that eventually his lies would be found out… however many years later.<br>
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"Your father didn't do anything." My mother informed me. We passed fast food restaurants lit up in a bright array of neon colors in the night. Traffic ahead slowed to a halt at the red light and I eased to a stop. I blinked my bleary eyes ready to reach the hotel and get some much needed rest.<br>
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"He lied to you. He didn't search for you… "She told me. "Your grandmother and I searched all the local malls looking for you… we handed out fliers with your photo and our contact information on them to anybody we could… a few of them had seen you… your grandmother and I walked the halls of the high school… interrogating kids, we posted fliers and passed them out… trying to get any leads we could… your grandmother went to the police chief and begged for his help… we spoke with private detectives that informed us the Vietnamese gangs were the most dangerous… and that in general the Vietnamese community is close knit, closed off and nearly impossible to try to gain access to… we were doing everything we could think of… our next step was to go to the media and ask for help."<br>
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"What was dad doing?" I asked her even though by now deep down I already knew the answer.<br>
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"Working." She replied simply. "What he always did."<br>
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Silence. I let it all sink in… the harsh reality that he hadn't been out there looking for me… for years he had fed me one lie after another… that he was the one searching the malls, searching the school, that he had gone to the police chief, that he had paid the private detective the money to search for me… finding out my mother had actually paid for it. If I confronted him about the truth… he would deny it. He would never ever admit the truth. It wasn't worth my time or effort. That I knew without any hesitation or doubt.<br>
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The narcissist or sociopath wants more than anything for their pristine image to remain intact… they want their life to be regarded as one to be envied, to be respected, to be without a smudge or scandal. They will deny any wrong doing, they will deny anything that doesn't place them in a positive light. Denial is self serving as that it always serves the person engaging in it. The narcissists actions or lack thereof always affects others… whether it's engaging in crazy-making (gas-lighting), projection, lies, etc… they have zero regard to how it affects everyone else. At any and all cost they will deny anything that will shed a negative light on themselves… because at the end of the day what they wish to do is keep a pristine image… and they can only do that by denying every truth you tell.<br>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 </span></span><br>
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To My Readers:<br>
Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing!<br>
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<b><i><u><span style="font-size: large;">RELATED POSTS:</span></u></i></b><br>
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<span style="color: blue;"><a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.co.uk/2014/10/11-things-i-learned-from-my-childhood.html" target="_blank">11 THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY CHILDHOOD </a></span><br>
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<a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/09/projection-and-signs-of-cheating-spouse.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">Projection & Signs Of A Cheating Spouse </span></a><br>
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</div>GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-42237743355627347302015-10-06T16:26:00.002-07:002015-10-06T19:50:44.802-07:00The Narcissistic Ex: Crossing Boundaries = Control<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i style="color: #999999; font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">“Fence With Barbed Wire” by franky242 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net </i></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">October 2015 </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">names have been omitted in this post </span></div>
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<b>this post contains language </b></div>
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It was October… fall was finally here… and cooler temps meant Texas was finally reaching low nineties… even eighties… which was wonderful and welcome. Wearing boots, black jeans, a dark sleeveless top and my apron I thanked the sweet customer I was waiting on and handed her her receipt. I walked around the counter to survey the various pieces of furniture that needed to be dealt with… pieces that needed to be moved to the back holding area. As I did so… something, or someone caught my peripheral vision. I turned and noticed a man standing at the end of the checkout holding a comforter set to purchase. I pleasantly called to him that I could help him if he was ready. He began walking toward me and it was then that I came face to face… <b>with my ex. </b><br>
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"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world she had to walk into mine…" the line Humphrey Bogart said of Ingrid Bergman's character Ilsa in Casablanca went through my head.<br>
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"There's dozens of stores in this town and you… YOU just HAD to come in here!" I steamed to myself silently.<br>
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I looked right through him and spoke "Hello. Is this everything for you today?" I asked robotically but not really expecting nor wanting an answer.<br>
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He nodded and smiled "Yeah" and moved, trying to catch my eye and engage me "Hey.... thanks for helping us!" He said with a overly cheerful tone.<br>
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"Why don't you take a freaking flying leap…" I thought to myself but said nothing and rang up his comforter. <br>
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I told him his total and glanced down at our daughter who stared at me in distress as she knew instinctively it wasn't sunshine and rainbows for me to see him. He swiped his credit card on the machine.<br>
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"Hey, sweet pea… it's good to see you." I smiled at her "I love you."<br>
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I plucked the receipt as it dispensed from the register and handed it to him.<br>
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"Thank you." I said looking through him once more.<br>
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He took the comforter set in it's bag by the handle and said thank you as well, taking the receipt.<br>
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My daughter looked at me like a stricken hostage as she said "Bye, Mommy" and left with him.<br>
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They walked away and out the automatic doors. I turned to face the counter behind me and took deep breaths. "That sorry so and so… I don't believe it's asking too much for him to go shop somewhere else." I thought. "He has dozens of stores to choose from and he comes in here. He could have come in when he KNEW I wasn't working. But… no. What an ass!" I sniped to myself in my head. It was like I needed barbed wire between my ex and I… he knew no boundaries… or more accurately <b>did not care about them</b>… he continued to overstep and play a game of forced interaction… forced supply… forced engagement. It was all ridiculous and yet expecting him to be reasonable and stay away was expecting insane to behave sanely.<br>
<br>
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br></span>
<br>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">In a Narc's eyes when they CROSS BOUNDARIES </span></i></b></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: #0b5394; font-size: large;">they seek CONTROL over you</span></i></b></div>
<br>
<br>
My manager walked up and took one look at me "Hey, Jen… are you okay?" She asked with concern painted across her face peering at me intently.<br>
<br>
I nodded and noticed I was shaking. Great. Not that again, I thought. "I am… I just had to wait on my ex. I'm really upset he came in here." I confided in her.<br>
<br>
She looked at me with empathy and spoke softy "Oh, honey, I'm sorry. If you need to take a break you can. I'm sorry you had to deal with that." She told me. I deeply appreciated her words and comfort.<br>
<br>
"Thank you, " I told her "I'll be okay… I just wish it hadn't happened." I admitted ruefully.<br>
<br>
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<br>
<br>
Most couples… well… NORMAL and HEALTHY couples, they have a relationship of some kind… they date or they marry and then come to the decision… either mutually or alternatively one or the other decides that this simply isn't working. At that point they sit down and have a discussion as two mature adults and decide to part ways… either just breaking up or filing for divorce.<br>
<br>
Despite some hurt and maybe heated moments of emotion… despite perhaps heartfelt feelings uttered… maybe overdue and just plain too late… these people can deal with the pain and move on… they divide everything with the help of attorneys… or trade boxes of t-shirts, DVD's and spatulas… even wishing the other person well. They each realize that the other person isn't a bad person… they just aren't right for them… and they can still see admirable, likable qualities in them despite any difficulties they shared that couldn't be smoothed out for the long haul. This is what mature healthy adults do when handling the disappointing fallout of a relationship however longterm or short lived.<br>
<br>
<br>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">But with a narcissistic sociopath? </span></b><br>
<br>
It's just not happening. They never go away. They never completely disappear. They never take the hint that moving on is exactly how it's stated… <b>moving on. </b>That means for the mentally insane and inept folks out there: You don't just keep popping back up like a jack in the box and reappearing in your ex's life. You hit the door and don't look back. You go through the grief and pain of the breakup and come out the other side renewed and ready to spring back into life… healed and ready for a new chapter… a new chapter of self and spiritual growth and even possibly love again. You don't continue to engage with your ex and make them… FORCE them to give you face time. <b>Instead, you move on and give them their space.</b><br>
<br>
<b><u><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;"><br></span></u></b>
<b><u><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">20 Things A Narcissistic Sociopath </span></u></b><br>
<b><u><span style="color: purple; font-size: large;">May Do During/ After A Break-Up:</span></u></b><br>
<br>
<b>1.</b> Show up at your place of employment or home.<br>
<b>2.</b> Call incessantly.<br>
<b>3.</b> Call at 4 in the morning and hang up.<br>
<b>4.</b> Leave dozens of voicemails… angry, tearful, raging, etc on your phone.<br>
<b>5.</b> Send dozens of text messages that threaten, plea or rage at you.<br>
<b>6.</b> Harass your friends via social media.<br>
<b>7.</b> Stalk your Facebook.<br>
<b>8.</b> Make fake accounts and stalk your Facebook.<br>
<b>9.</b> Change your address for your mail.<br>
<b>10.</b> Intercept your mail.<br>
<b>11.</b> Hide your children from you and or alienate them from you.<br>
<b>12.</b> Threaten to take your children from you.<br>
<b>13.</b> Turn off your utilities, cell phone, water, etc.<br>
<b>14.</b> Key your car.<br>
<b>15.</b> Puncture your tires.<br>
<b>16.</b> Suddenly insist on passports for your children.<br>
<b>17.</b> Have his friends harass you either via phone, text, or showing up at your work or home.<br>
<b>18.</b> Parade his new supply around you to "make you jealous".<br>
<b>19. </b>Send flowers and beg you to stay with him.<br>
<b>20.</b> Bug your phone, hack your email and track your car via GPS.<br>
<br>
<br>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015</span><br>
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<br>
If you are experiencing any or all of these toxic behaviors you don't have to feel alone.<br>
<br>
There is help.<br>
<br>
You can get assistance at:<br>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'helvetica neue', helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 24px; line-height: 30px;"><a dir="ltr" href="tel:1-800-799-SAFE" x-apple-data-detectors="true" x-apple-data-detectors-type="telephone" x-apple-data-detectors-result="2">1-800-799-SAFE</a> (7233) via the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 365 days a year. </span><span style="line-height: 30px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">You can also file a police report so the behavior is documented. </span></span><br>
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<span style="line-height: 30px;"><b><span style="color: blue; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2015/04/domestic-violence-when-it-happens-in.html" target="_blank">Domestic Violence: When It Happens In Your Family</a></span></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: purple; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2015/04/moving-on-after-divorcebreak-up-10-tips.html" target="_blank">Moving On After A Divorce/Break-Up: 10 Tips</a></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: purple;"><b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><a href="http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/12/20-examples-of-how-narcissist-uses-you.html" target="_blank">20 Examples Of How A Narcissist Uses You</a></span></b></span></div>
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GPS-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13986848807336161254noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2266837281211217618.post-87259335312366206392015-09-23T17:13:00.001-07:002015-09-23T20:34:26.055-07:00Fathers And Husbands: Protective Or Predatory<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i style="font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif;"><span style="color: #999999; font-size: xx-small;">“Traveling At Speed Of Light” by digidreamgrafix </span></i><i style="color: #999999; font-family: 'Noto Sans', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">via FreeDigitalPhotos.net </i></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">September 2015 </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">names have been omitted in this post, </span><br>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">some descriptions have been changed </span></div>
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<br>
It was a Saturday night and I sat curled up in the booth across from him wearing black shorts and an oversized top… September was finally bringing cooler temperatures and we were thankful… with that it was time to indulge in some comfort food. Couples sat in nearby booths enjoying their southern-style meals and our friendly waitress stopped by to refill our glasses of iced tea and water along with dropping off another basket of warm rolls and cornbread. A hot plate of classic meat loaf, mashed potatoes with gravy and macaroni and cheese sat before me. Seated across from me, he sliced into his chicken fried steak and listened while I spoke…<br>
<br>
"It was in the weeks after I returned home to my parents from being gone, that he sat outside the house everyday in his Mercedes waiting… " I said, referring to my rapist, as I took a bite of meat loaf.<br>
<br>
"Waiting for you to come outside and see him?" He confirmed.<br>
<br>
"Yeah" I nodded as I chewed. "My dad said it was embarrassing for him, a Vietnamese guy to be sitting outside like that… for the whole neighborhood to see… the neighbors likely wondering what he was doing out there. He was more concerned with appearances than anything. More concerned with things that didn't matter like race than what truly did matter in life like people's actions." I told him with a resigned look. "He wanted me to get rid of him. I told him I could go talk to him… ride around the block and tell him to stop coming around, explain things to him." I paused and then continued…"I didn't want to be in either place... neither was a good choice... it's bad when<b> you need a third option</b>, when you don't have a good option for a place to live because both are oppressive, not protective. But my dad agreed to me doing that and I went outside, got in his car to talk to him, to tell him to stop coming around."<br>
<br>
Across from me seated in the booth, his jaw set, he looked at me and his eyes flashed with anger… "What father allows his daughter to do that?" He demanded. "I would have gone outside with my gun, shot out every single one of his tires so he couldn't drive off and then dealt with him myself."<br>
<br>
I looked down at my fork and dabbed at my mashed potatoes, swirling the cream gravy atop it. "Yeah… I went through my years of anger toward him… but prayer helped a lot… I don't feel any anger toward him anymore. On some level I blamed myself initially… I told myself I put myself in a bad situation… what could I really expect? But as time passed I realized that wasn't a valid point. Bao whom I stayed with first always looked out for me. Protected me. He never crossed a line. So people always have the power to be protective or predatory. <b>They make that choice.</b> And race has nothing to do with it. There are people who do terrible things and those who don't no matter what race."I reflected.<br>
<br>
<br>
He nodded and agreed, listening intently.<br>
<br>
"My anger was much more intense toward my father." I told him. "Rage, really. Now I don't feel anything. Just done." I told him, took a sip of ice water and then continued, back to the point. "Ultimately my talk with him didn't go as I thought it would." I said, referring to my rapist. "I really thought I could reason with him. I had returned home without any interference from him but as time had passed he didn't take it well. So I got in his car, I tried to talk to him, my intentions were good, I was so messed up from being with him… I guess what you would call Stockholm syndrome. But… he took off and got on the freeway with me in the car. He wouldn't stop, he wouldn't listen. I told him to let me out. But he wouldn't…" I trailed off.<br>
<br>
It was like yesterday… images of I-35 going by in a streak of bright colors lit up in the night from businesses as I peered out the window wishing I wasn't behind the glass. I remember grasping the pale gray leather hand rest in a panic and pleading with him to let me go. Now my mind switched gears from 1994 to the present and I looked at my friend sitting across from me in the booth wearing a ball cap. <br>
<br>
He shook his head and looked at me, his eyes pained and his deep voice conveying care… "You don't have to relive it… " He told me, his presence one of warmth, reaching across the table to grasp my hand in comfort. I gently squeezed it back and smiled with appreciation for him.<br>
<br>
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<span style="color: #999999;">*****************</span></div>
<br>
<br>
A daughter… whether she's a girl, a teenager or young woman looks to her father for two things… being provided for and <b>being protected by him.</b> Her father is by far the most important male influence in her life and her relationship with him will set the tone for how she lives her teenage years… her promiscuity or lack thereof, her choices in men and later on whom she marries. But unfortunately father's may make the mistake of pulling away… withdrawing from her life erroneously believing that his wife, her mother can fill every need that must be met. Fathers, if they have sons as well, may put their focus primarily on them hence leaving their daughters out in the cold… leaving her questioning his love, affection and care. Girls and women want affirmation from their fathers that they are worthy and valued. If they don't feel this from their dads they look elsewhere for it… unfortunately often unwittingly in the arms of another man… a man who is not a good choice for them.<br>
<br>
A girl sees how her father treats her mother… she is watching and taking mental notes even if not cognizant of it at the time… she is learning by her father's actions toward her mother how a man treats a woman… a woman he supposedly loves. She will note when he is impatient and barks at her mother… she will note when he intimidates her mother with his fist in a wall… she will notice when he drives erratically because her mother voices an opinion he doesn't like… she will live these various scenarios of abusive behavior and will one day look for a man who is just like her father… or at least some similar variation of him.<br>
<b><br></b>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">It's then that the toxic cycle continues and another generation suffers needlessly… when love is not protective and is certainly anything but love… but instead predatory/oppressive. </span></b></div>
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<span class=" fz-4xl lh-1_25x" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; font-size: 32px; line-height: 1.25;"><span style="color: blue;">pro·tec·tor</span></span></h3>
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<span class=" fz-l fc-13th" style="color: #999999; font-size: 18px; line-height: 1.25;">/prəˈtektər/</span></h3>
<span class="ml-5 p-abs cur-p" style="cursor: pointer; margin-left: 5px; position: absolute;"><span class="ico d-ib audio" style="background-image: url(http://l.yimg.com/pv/static/img/cosmos_sprite1x-1439414812153.min.png); background-position: 0px -187px; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; display: inline-block; height: 24px; width: 24px;"></span></span></div>
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<span class=" fs-i" style="font-style: italic;">noun</span></div>
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a person or thing that protects someone or something</div>
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<span class=" fz-4xl lh-1_25x" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; font-size: 32px; line-height: 1.25;"><span style="color: blue;">pred·a·to·ry</span></span></h3>
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<span class=" fz-l fc-13th" style="color: #999999; font-size: 18px; line-height: 1.25;">/ˈpredəˌtôrē/</span></h3>
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<span style="background-color: white;">seeking to exploit or oppress others</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b>So it begins with fathers… what they say to their daughters, the time they spend with them and how they treat their wives will define whether they are protectors or predatory/oppressive in nature. Words are important and actions are even moreso. It will determine the type of man your daughter will one day marry… lay the groundwork now for who that will be… hopefully a man who would die for her, who will protect her, who will do anything to keep her safe and knows her great value as Christ's daughter. </b></span><br>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br></span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>10 Things A Father Should Tell His Daughter:</u></b></span><br>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>1.</b> God loves you. </span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>2.</b> I love you. </span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>3.</b> I love your mother. </span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>4.</b> I'm glad you're here. </span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>5.</b> You're beautiful. </span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>6. </b>You matter. </span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>7.</b> What you think, feel and believe matters. </span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>8.</b> God wants you to wait to have sex until after you marry. </span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>9. </b>Waiting to be sexually intimate until after you marry is what's best for you. </span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>10.</b> No matter what I will always be here for you and love you. </span><br>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>10 Questions A Father Should Ask His Daughter:</u></b></span><br>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>1. </b>What do you want to be when you grow up?</span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>2.</b> What do you dream about doing?</span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>3.</b> What matters to you?</span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>4.</b> What makes you cry?</span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>5.</b> What makes you laugh?</span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>6.</b> What do you like about me?</span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>7.</b> What do you dislike about me?</span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>8.</b> What do you like about yourself? </span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>9.</b> What do you dislike about yourself? </span><br>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>10.</b> What do you believe about Jesus Christ? </span><br>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 16px; text-align: center;">© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 </span><br>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">we stand united together when we as citizens </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue;">and the police</span><span style="color: red;"> </span>remember that </span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><u>ALL LIVES MATTER</u> </span></b></div>
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