Monday, September 8, 2014

Sex And The Narcissistic Male

Let's talk about sex….

and the Narcissistic Male. 

Sex is everywhere it seems… in the media, music, movies and advertising. In our modern world today we are bombarded daily with the subtle whisper of sensuality to the other extreme... an in your face, can't be missed type campaign.

It goes without saying that an addictive desire for sex holds great dominance in a narcissist's life…

and obviously enough 

the sex is self-focused at that. 

Sex is by definition supposed to be about two people coming together, focused on each other, making love, giving each other satisfaction and showing how much they care for one another. Each gives the other pleasure, affirming their deep love for another.

Naturally that would be expected of two healthy people joined in love before God. But what about when one of those people is of a narcissistic nature? Is it even possible to have a healthy intimate marriage? Unfortunately, the disappointing answer to that question is no.

When it comes to love making in a marriage just coming together in the physical sense isn't enough… there is an entire part of the equation that involves emotional intimacy, a spiritual connection in two becoming one.

When it comes to a narcissist's "love making" it's really about them making love to themselves. You are a tool, a means for them to reach their destination but essentially it comes down to them merely masturbating... yet their using your body along the super highway to ecstasy… after it's reached, the grand finale has passed...  you lie there wondering why you feel like you were forgotten somewhere along the road some time back. It feels empty, like you could be just anyone, as if you are just a shell of a human they need to perform their self-fulfilling pleasure and then you're discarded afterward.

This is no way to live… 
to live a life that as we all know is undeniably fleeting.
 God gave us sex to be enjoyed within the parameters of marriage and that enjoyment should be mutual not one sided. 

A narcissist's view of sex within a marriage holds a limited, selfish and stunted one. My own outlook was already affected by a past trauma (rape) before I married. This is common for anyone who has had a traumatic experience... for their view of sex to perhaps be affected. Naturally needing someone healthy more than anything, someone who was a soft place, a place of understanding, a place that included respect and who knew that sex didn't include strings, deals, bargaining, guilt trips, or shaming… it unfortunately screamed of the latter. It made me hate sex. But now… with time I've realized that's not really true… we may come to believe we hate something… but later over time and hindsight look back and the truth hits us… we don't hate it at all. We hate what it did to us. We hate the way it made us feel. Cheap, used, like nothing but a blow up doll… like we could have been anyone. We realize now more than ever that what we had in our marriage wasn't healthy and that's why we medicated with a pint of ice cream, that's why we became defensive, that's why we felt like just going through the motions to get it over with already… why if we made an innocent but revealing comment to a friend that "I'd rather have a slice of cake than have sex" we'd feel their eyes on us… we instinctively knew by the glance they gave us with a furrowed brow that something just. isn't. right. That deep down we should want to be desired by our husband and want him as well. We begin to realize that we are on a dry island all alone… devoid of intimacy and even though we crave it… we just can't seem to grasp it with who were married to.

It's one thing to occasionally not feel up to sex... sometimes we truly feel exhausted, we really do have a splitting migraine or were sick. But if we always find ourselves trying to get out of it... it's time to face some serious questions:

How does our spouse make us feel about sex? 

Do we feel it's expected out of "duty" or obligation? 

Do we feel shamed or pressured? 

When it comes to sex a narcissist goes straight to the main event… foreplay is a waste of time… and when it comes to pleasing you… likely you will be met with grumbles of "it takes too long…" and his gratification usually if not always comes first. He may withhold any pleasure for you. Your body is not your own, it belongs to him and him alone… remember when OJ Simpson grabbed Nicole's crotch and was quoted saying "This is where babies come from and this belongs to me"? The Narcisstic male objectifies you… and it slowly chips away at you bit by bit. The flip side is you always feel indebted… as if you always owe him between the sheets. Because he's vocal of what he's done for you… how much he works, how hard he has it, how you don't appreciate anything he does (yet you actively vocalize your appreciation all the time) and shames you into having sex because he's done "x,y,z" for you. Before long… you wish he'd do nothing for you… because you don't want your tab to continue running sky high… you're exhausted, you're spent and you look in the mirror wondering why you feel so drained physically and mentally yet he's like the energizer bunny who never gets a full fix… who keeps going and going.

Narcissists Are Addicted To Sex

Narcissist's are addicted to sex… their desire is never quenched…. they have an insatiable appetite that must be fed. They are known for cheating… for having affairs, for having sex with prostitutes, taking risks and living a life filled with lies, deceit and never really showing their hand. It's ironic that he has all the control over your body, your desires, your pleasure yet he also chooses what to do behind your back. He makes the rules, be assured that he believes he owns you and yet despite any and all protestations on your part he doesn't care or listen… your needs and feelings fall on deaf ears.

One of the most important aspects of intimacy in marriage is sex… it's important for a man, as it's how he is wired… the affirmation of love is wrapped up in sex. A man pursues romancing a woman out of a passionate affection for her. A woman wants to feel emotionally safe and loved by him, her love affirmed for him with sex. There has to be mutual respect for one another… respect is essential for healthy sex between a couple... for one person to not feel merely as a pawn.

When we truly love someone we want to nurture them, we want to have empathy toward them so we can love them better, deeper over time… marriage is supposed to be a safety net for couples, a place where unconditional love abounds… where we know and love one another on the deepest level humans can possibly have.

That is God's design… 

It's beautiful and should be fed…

to be allowed to shine…

not dirtied with everything love isn't.

© ~ 2014 

this was an important post to write,
 as I believe many are suffering behind closed doors 
not knowing that there can be peace after being 
married to someone of a narcissistic nature. 
You don't have to suffer, you are not alone, 
God sees your pain and loves you unconditionally. 

you can heal... 

God is a healer of hurts

Related Posts: 

When Marriage Equals Prostitution

Is He A Sociopath? 20 Signs

Romantic Ideas + Your Spouse = Shining Love

1 comment:

  1. Have not had sex for over 5 yrs, as he would answer phone in the middle of sex, and get angry at me when i got up! But its my daughter calling! I waited 2 years, but that was it for me, as he was watching a gymnast on tv the whole time! Its been 5 years, but i refuse to be as you said Jen, an object, blow up doll!