Sunday, October 13, 2013

A Wife's Expectations Of Her Husband: Honey Vs Vinegar

Expectation is the root of disappointment between a husband and wife in a marriage 

Expectations = "He should... "

How easy is it to go into marriage with a whole laundry list of expectations to be filled by our husband? 

We may have a mile long list of what we expect him to live up to... silently compiled in our head without even realizing it until later after the exchanging  of our "I do's". 

He will clean up after himself 
He will care for the children just as I do
He will be home by a certain time
He will want as many children as I do 
He will do exactly half the chores

"He will" = "He should"...  =  Disappointment 

When we become disappointed our internal check list of "expectations" remains unchecked which can create self-defeating scenarios to play out in our marriages... a wife gets mad, chooses to punish her husband which in turn causes him to avoid her... creating further problems which is now distance and alienation where once there was closeness and warmth. 

Already we can see a recipe for disaster. A husband is not a reflection of his wife. Nor her expectations... however well intentioned by her yet misguided in flesh.


There are things a husband should be doing... or else we question why he's married to begin with. 

Part of being a husband is staying faithful. 

Part of being a husband is loving his wife. 

Part of being a husband is putting God first. 

These three things are pretty safe expectations to hold by a wife and naturally expected by a husband for his wife also. We all go into marriage with these three expectations as they are part of our wedding vows in which we create a covenant before God. Unfortunately, in some marriages these basic promises that make up the sacredness of marriage are broken. 

But what about the other things? The other expectations a wife may hold for her husband once the nitty gritty of daily married life sets in? 

It's when as a wife we begin the "He should have cleaned up this mess!" when we see crumbs on the counter and dishes in the sink... that our expectations have been shot and now we are opening the door for resentment to sail in. We are also taking on the role of his mother.

He's a big boy. It's his mess. 

Instead of focusing on what he's not doing and the EPIC FAIL 
he's committed in our eyes we can remember an old truth... 

Honey vs Vinegar 

We catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

We can instead choose to let go of what we believe he's doing 
wrong and build him up in the areas we see him already shining! 

If his strength is being a great provider then build on that. If his strength is he takes the time to listen to you whenever you're having a bad day or feeling insecure or experiencing difficulties with a friendship... build on that! If his strength is he speaks words of encouragement to you or buys little gifts for you to surprise you with "just because"... build on that! If his strength is he's passionate at love making and kisses you in ways words can't articulate build on that! 

Whatever he does that you love... whatever it is that stands out about him in a positive manner ... that's the thing to speak loving words to him about! 


Don't be shy about sharing with him how much you love it when he does x, y, z. He will swell with joy when you do this! It actually brings him closer to you and makes him reel with warmth reflection... 

"Wow! She really appreciated that! It meant a lot to her! I'm glad I did it!" he thinks to himself and it makes him want to do more versus less. It makes him have a spring in his step, feel lighter, not weighted down with the burden of always feeling as if he's failing in your eyes.

We can remember that one of the reasons dating someone is so freeing and beautiful is because we may have fewer expectations when dating than once we marry. Yet in that we are supposed to be able to be so much lighter and free within our marriage because we are to be ourselves and love the other person unconditionally allowing them to be themselves also. There should be a sense of a safety net in that... that in our marriage we don't have to fret or worry that we aren't meeting every expectation of our spouses. Because the truth is... 


It's not possible. We can't expect perfection.  It's a union of two imperfect people coming together and in that encouraging each other to grow to become the best version they each can...

 Speaking words of honey not vinegar.

© ~ 2013 

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