Dumping Them AND The Guilt

“Woman Lying Down On Bed” by photo stock via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

February 2016 

some names have been omitted in this post 

******************

The February wind whipped my long hair and I wished I'd brought my jean jacket with me that I'd left in the SUV. I watched a toddler take careful steps toward her smiling mother near the bench I shared with my friend. Our daughters played nearby swinging on the park swings laughing in unison. Sunlight streamed upon us and I could feel the warmth of the seventy degrees on my cheek, relishing it as the wind died momentarily. 

She reached out and touched my arm. "What's going on? There's something bothering you." 

"I've been dealing with all this guilt." I admitted. "After breaking it off with the last guy. I mean… "I trailed off. "I keep feeling like I could have handled it better." 

She looked at me intently and then sat up a little straighter and spoke. "Tell me. Tell me how you could have handled it better." 

"That's the problem… I really don't know." I told her. "I mean, I keep going back to if I told someone I had ADHD and they came back and told me 'I'm not signing up for that, bye'…. The truth is, it would hurt my feelings. It would. So, I can see that my telling him I'm not signing up for his bi-polar symptoms could be hurtful to him. And that wasn't my intent at all." I shared with her. 

"Yes…" She agreed. "I know you didn't mean for it to be hurtful. But. And I mean BUT," She added with emphasis, "You also broke it off with this same man who is stalkerish, who then admitted to you he can manipulate, that he has sociopathic tendencies, who never respected your boundaries on insanely long texts 24/7, who shared that he has no intention of taking medication for his bi-polar... so he's making the choice to not take care of his health. So tell me Jennifer, exactly why you feel guilty?" She sat back and crossed her arms looking at me expectantly. 

I was taken aback by her bluntness. She had hit the nail on the head. Yet it was what I needed. A good verbal knocking upside the head to wake up and quit beating myself up for telling him: "Do you really think I'm going to sign up for your bi-polar?!"

I grimaced. "I know you're right. I KNOW I made the right decision to break it off, it's just been difficult coping with the bi-polar part of it." I admitted to her. "That part made me feel like a hypocrite." 

"You have the right to choose what you want. What's best for you. Do you think God wants you to be with creepy stalker guy?" She asked and I laughed while she pressed onward. "God loves you. You have the right to shut the door without any explanation. You don't have to get into discussing it, you can just say bye. And quite frankly, as much as I'd love to see you meet the "right guy" who will love you… I'd rather see you stay on your own than sign up for another bad marriage. I don't want to see you go through that again. I mean… do you?" She asked pointedly. 

"No, I don't." I agreed quietly.

"I'm so sorry…" She leaned over and hugged me. "What else is going on? I feel like there's more to this." 

I cleared my throat and spoke, "I think it's loneliness. I was doing so well. I think the move had me busy and preoccupied. Now everything is settled and in place… work is going well, the house is set up… and yet I find myself feeling a void." I mused aloud. 

I had set new goals I was really excited about…  additional flower beds to create, activities with my daughter, blogs to write, fitness goals, etc. But for whatever reason every day the loneliness crept in and I found myself grasping for what to do about it… how to handle it. I knew rationally that loneliness wasn't reason to be in a relationship… in reality it was a recipe for disaster.

And yet the loneliness remained there… lurking like a silent heavy companion that offered no comfort but the continual reminder that ultimately when you curl up in bed under the covers each night you don't share it with someone special. Throw the guilt I'd been feeling on top of the loneliness and it was an unsettled feeling that needed to be dealt with. I recognized it for what it was. It only confirmed I needed to continue to grow and set new goals… guilt I needed to let go of and loneliness meant I needed to draw closer to God in my walk with Him. Because ultimately… single or with someone… no one completely comforts or satisfies but Him.

It's "yea, though I walk

 through the valley." 

Not "yea, when I sit 

down and whine 

in the valley."

 Keep walking. 

~ Tony Evans 

*******************

WHEN GUILT KNOCKS ON YOUR DOOR… 

It's often when we speak of our ex with transparent valid dislike other's may judge us… make us out like were just terrible, non-caring human beings… like a person without a heart. Or maybe we stand strong(!) and break it off as we should with the toxic one... 

Then we either feel defensive(!) toward those judging us or maybe even guilt (immediate or later) for breaking it off or just in how we handled it… or a combination of both. The thing is… a narcissist or worse, a sociopath is purposefully doing the awful things they do. 

Some would argue yes, but THAT is because they were wounded, damaged as children and are now living the only way they know how… they argue this is the unintended outcome of the abuse they lived during their impressionable childhood years… cause and effect… they should be pitied some say and not denounced as evil.

So in the enlightenment in dealing with the guilt we may feel; as we wade through all these unpleasant feelings regarding the toxic one who has created so much hurt in our life… we remember this:

As empathetic individuals we may wish (at times) we weren't so empathetic because we may believe it opens us up to more hurt… but that's not the answer. The world desperately needs more empathy, not less. The answer lies in remaining empathetic to the wounded but saying no to suffering at the hands of them. We shouldn't excuse someone's poor behavior. They must be held accountable. But we also don't have to remain out in the open, vast land like vulnerable prey just waiting to be hunted down, shot or ravaged. We can take refuge and know that we don't have to expose ourselves to someone's agenda. We have the right to protect ourselves. We have to have the insight to realize that yes, we may have enjoyed some aspects of this person… maybe her wit, perhaps her sense of adventure, maybe his intelligence or his physical affection. Yet at the end of the day the hurt, pain and grief the person caused far outweighed the few positives they shared with us. 


Did you think we'd be fine? Still got scars on my back from your knife
So don't think it's in the past, these kinda wounds they last and they last.
Now did you think it all through? All these things will catch up to you
And time can heal but this won't, so if you're coming my way, just don't

- Taylor Swift Bad Blood via azlyrics.com 



It's then that we ask ourselves: 

How much are we willing to suffer for a few positives?

Are we willing to suffer through verbal abuse?

"Think about leaving me. You will regret it in days, weeks, months, years. And you'll have no one to blame but yourself when you're alone. Because no one will want you."

Are we willing to suffer through physical abuse? 

Being pushed, shoved, hit, kicked, etc = having bruises, broken bones, black eyes, etc.

Are we willing to suffer through emotional abuse? 

You tell your partner you're really hurt, angry, frustrated etc about x,y, z… instead of listening and responding with love; trying to understand and be there for you he or she begins coming back with: "I'm not responding to your anger(!) You're the one with the issue." And proceeds to walk away. Not only has he or she completely invalidated your concern and feelings but then has shut down communication by walking away (stonewalling) and ending the conversation… leaving you feeling not not heard and dismissed, even possibly feeling dramatic, unstable, anxious, etc.


We don't have to suffer.

Letting go of someone you have loved may be one of the hardest things you will ever do. But it's so much easier than holding onto someone hurtful and cruel, or even worse, someone who has already let go of you. ~ Zane Baker 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016

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Divorce & Loneliness: 7 Tips

Narcissistic Father's: Living In The Lion's Den

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!

A Letter Of Love: For Those Enduring A Break-Up

“Future” by graur razvan donut via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

It's never easy for a good woman to walk away; especially after she's invested so much of herself into making it work. Just know, that by the time she finally decides to leave, she's given you countless chances and debated the idea, over and over in her head, at least 1000 times. She's exhausted; she's frustrated and totally heartbroken to have to walk away from a man who deep down inside, she still loves and is still willing to fight for."

 - Mr. Amari Soul 


But sometimes were not willing

 to fight for love anymore…
because sometimes we realize were the only one fighting for it.


December 2015

names have been omitted in this post

*****************

It was just days before Christmas… what a year it had been. It was a year of many changes and blessings… of financial stability, health and even heartbreak. But with that heartbreak came the promise of a new year… a fresh start… and renewed hope. 

Wearing black leggings, warm socks and a plaid flannel shirt I poured milk from it's plastic container into a small pot upon the cooktop… waiting for it to slowly simmer and gradually reach a soft rolling boil. I listened as my mother spoke. 

"I'll tell you why you're so upset! Why the past few weeks have been so hard! It's because he turned out to not be willing to do the necessary work he needed to. He wasn't willing to step up. Because deep down you realize he doesn't love you enough to do it." She watched as I returned the milk to it's place in the refrigerator, closing it. Then I rummaged through the pantry in search of hot cocoa powder. 

Ouch. 

Yeppers. That was it. 

My voice cracked with emotion like it does when I'm trying my hardest not to cry. "Yeah…" I replied feeling the sting of the truth biting me. "He kept complaining about his back pain, his depression, his ex, his mother, his job, it was always something. I began to realize he just wanted me to be his fix for everything. He takes zero personal responsibility for his own life. I mentioned counseling… that it really helps. He said he would need me to join him in counseling… in his own words "to keep him honest"… I thought that was the most bizarre and alarming thing to say." 

She nodded and said "He needed you to keep him honest… like a child? So what? If you married him you'd have to be with him 24/7 just to ensure he's doing what he's supposed to do? Being where he's supposed to be? Who the heck is going to sign up for that? Then what? If he cheats… let me guess… it's your fault?" 

I murmured in agreement as I poured hot cocoa powder into empty Christmas mugs from Target for my daughter and I and then set out a tub of cool whip and chocolate sprinkles. 

"I actually said the same thing to him in so many words. I asked him if he was three years old… that I shouldn't have to baby-sit him. It's so ironic, really… he accused me of not wanting to put in the work necessary when he's actually the one that is stubborn to self-growth and personal responsibility. It's not my first rodeo… I've been through this before… all this twisting and spinning." I sighed "At the end of the day it's a no go. It's really hurt because I had high hopes. That's the thing about it… you can deeply love and care about someone even if they aren't right for you." 

A Letter Of Love… 

You lost him.

Or her.

You lost someone special.

Someone who at one time you would have done anything for.

Maybe you did. 

Maybe you still would.

Maybe you would have walked on glass or through fire to prove how much you loved them. 

Maybe you would have fought every weary battle imaginable to be with them.

Perhaps losing them happened in one fell swoop… or perhaps it was a painful, long, slow, process as bit by bit you lost them more each day over the course of weeks, months, even years.

Maybe you knew every scar beneath clothing.

Maybe you knew every smirk, look, and inflection.

Maybe you knew each quirk, peeve and irritation.

Maybe you listened to their every fear, hope and dream into the wee hours of night.

Maybe you grasped their hand with affection when all was good and clasped it when tears fell from their eyes in the bad.

Maybe you knew exactly where their sore spots were, where not to touch, where you dared not go so as to never inflict further hurt and pain.

Maybe you knew every little thing that made them laugh and every great joy they basked in.

Maybe you knew their soul, their deep down yearnings like no other… maybe you read every page of their heart and still desired to know more.

Maybe you made love to them in the brilliant sunlight of day with the scent of coffee nearby… or maybe you satisfied them in the midnight hours eliciting increasing crescendo.

Maybe you held them tight when they were afraid and put their worries to rest even when they knew they were silly.

Maybe you worried when they didn't call or arrive when promised… all those times you fleetingly felt a surge of reality rise up within from your stomach and strike your heart… reality that you simply can't lose this person who means everything to you.

Maybe you didn't step up when you needed to… maybe you feel you failed them on some level however difficult or impossible to admit to yourself because it hurts too much.

Maybe you didn't allow yourself to be vulnerable with them and let your annoying traits, your hang-ups, your occasional doubts show because you questioned who could love those.

Maybe you sacrificed too much… maybe you said yes too many times when you should have said no… maybe you realize you were doing the opposite of what you should have been doing.

Maybe they gave up on you and you're left standing on the side of the road wondering where to go next… lost… lonely and baffled.

Maybe you are mourning who you thought they were... as it turned out they resembled hurt rather than love.

Maybe you'll never stop loving them because it wasn't that you didn't… it's that no matter how you tried to show it… you could never seem to get it right.

Maybe you know now that whatever you did wrong you can't go back and fix… whatever it is, or was it's simply too late…

Maybe you're kicking yourself.

Maybe you're angry with them as well.

And maybe you need to realize that it's okay to be upset…

It's okay to cry.

It's okay to acknowledge a great loss has happened.

It's okay to admit that you still love them... love is there, always will be... it's just that you aren't right for each other.

It's brave to say "I don't have it all together", "I miss them" or even "I screwed up."

It takes guts to say "I'm not okay… but I will be."

There is no shame in saying "This didn't turn out how I wanted it to."

There is no shame in saying "I'm incredibly disappointed."

There is no shame in saying "I'm struggling."

We've all been there.

To act like we haven't would be a lie.

The hurt you are experiencing is not only completely understandable but so necessary… it's necessary to go through the dark tunnel of sorrow and grief, to gather up all the past and sort through it like a stack of fading photographs… it's necessary so as to make room for all the new…

Because there is another chapter…

Shining brightly for you.

A whole new world awaits and gradually it's one free of tears and a non-bruised heart.

It's a chapter of great adventures, new skills and learning.

It's a chapter of fresh faces, long talks and laughs.

It's a chapter of healing, self-care and possibly love again.

This trying time won't last forever.

In the overall scheme of life it's a blip.

Embrace the now, your mourning, your loss and emotions.

Then wipe your eyes and cling to hope… hope that indeed life will get better.

It always does.

Be patient, wait for it.

Everything better is worth waiting for.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, commenting 

and sharing! 

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Dating After Divorce: 5 Questions To Ask Yourself

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Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely
I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue
I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted
And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new

Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wondering what in the world did I do?
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying

And I'm crazy for loving you
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you.

Patsy Cline - Crazy Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

“I Am Crazy About You On Mobile Means Love” 

by Stuart Miles via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

November 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

*******************

"I just don't think I should have to tell you how to be in a relationship… "I explained gingerly, choosing my words with care. "I mean, I just don't believe I should have to explain the very basics. I got lost leaving your house that one night and had no business driving after dark when I can't see well. I've told you that…." I reminded him.  "I flew to Savannah Georgia for a week long vacation and as someone who tells me he loves and cares about me it wouldn't have been out of the ordinary for you to offer to take me to the airport and pick me up." I told him calmly. "It wouldn't have been out of the ordinary for me to expect that of you. Words alone aren't enough. Actions matter. Yet you didn't offer and then when I return to find my car with a dead battery at the airport I text you and let you know I made it in but I'm waiting for a jump from the airport courtesy service… you tell me ok and that you're going to sleep. I didn't feel cared for. It's not insane for me to expect more than this. I deserve more than this." I added, thinking of all the hell I had been through with my ex and standing firm that I wasn't going to entertain a relationship with another unhealthy person. Stand strong, I told myself… you don't have to accept this.

Soon came the blaming… the twisting and finger pointing…"Well… you're so independent and I didn't want to take that from you. And you should have asked me to take you and pick you up. I wondered why you didn't." He told me.

Shock went through me. "Excuse me?" I responded "My independence?" I echoed "Yeah, I'm independent. Yeah, I can drive myself. I've done it before. But what a cop-out on your part. I shouldn't have to ask you." I replied. My thoughts swirled and I thought how incredibly lazy his actions were. His actions didn't reflect love and care. Not even friendship. Far from it. More like thoughtless and indifferent.

I asked him to come pick up the few things he'd left at my home… DVD'S from movie night, a sketch pad, etc. He did begrudgingly and as I stood on the front lawn with oversized Jackie O sunglasses on to hide my face he peered at me closely, scrutinizing and spoke… "You're pulling away from me. You're doing the same thing you did to your ex right before you left him. I can feel it. Please take your sunglasses off and let me look at you." He said and reached out to slip my sunglasses off my face.

I dodged his out-reached grasp by backing up and pursed my lips saying nothing. My silence said everything. But my mind was spinning. I bit my tongue and held back. I didn't feel safe to say much. A man's words to me once echoed in my head "Don't poke the bear…" and I clung to them… just ease him out of here, I thought to myself. I pasted a smile on my face, told him I'd be in touch sometime soon, that I had a lot on my plate for now, managed one last weak smile and gently told him goodbye with a hug. Then watched as he drove away.


Soon came the texts to follow… the gates opened and what resembled crazy came pouring out at me "You're right, please give me another chance…" and then back to more blaming... "I'm not a mind reader and a psychic..." Soon came in texts upon harassing texts… texts that ranged from crying "I care about you and love you and don't want to lose you…" to "I promise I won't text you again…" and then ironically, oh so painfully the phone pinged that another stream of despondent forlorn texts had arrived. Texts that if printed would fill a book… texts that became more and more desperate to get a response. Texts that left me with shaking hands and my beginning to feel like I was trapped and held hostage in some kind of texting hell. No, no, no. Make. It. Stop. I thought as I finally silenced my phone after days of non-stop harassment.

Soon came an unannounced visit to my home with roses and I had had enough. I finally broke my silence and texted him that his excessive texting and visit was making me begin to think I needed a restraining order. More texts streamed in that he didn't want me to feel that way and he was so sorry and that he just didn't want to lose me and he didn't understand how he had screwed up so bad.

*****************

A man's words mean nothing 

if his actions don't reflect love. 

A man's love means nothing 

if he twists and blames you for where he failed. 

A man's sanity is questioned if he doesn't know to step back and assess his behavior and give space to others but instead engages in a desperate plea that only serves to further push you away and question your very safety. 

10 SIGNS HE'S NOT EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY OR MATURE:

1. He doesn't practice the basics of chivalry; opening doors, offering to pick you up, ensuring you make it home safely, carrying heavy things, walking on the side of the sidewalk closet to the street, etc.

2. Not being able to assess an issue in a relationship with calm focus and give space when needed; forcing interaction, attempting to wear you down through harassment, waffling between twisting the truth to blaming and then becoming emotionally unhinged; showing desperation, crying, appearing despondent.

3. Being emotionally dependent on you; expecting you to fulfill him emotionally 24/7… which is narcissistic, self-centered and draining for you.

4. Expecting you to give, give, give but giving very little to nothing in return in terms of care and support… you begin to feel used instead of loved.

5. He spends time trying to get you to think like him, like what he likes and do what he wants instead of seeing the relationship as a sharing of individual likes, interests, goals and dreams.

6. Reacting in an unhealthy manner because he doesn't get his way; you voice displeasure about something and instead of him reacting with: "I understand. I get what you're telling me. I'm sorry for doing (or not doing) x,y,z" simple and to the point… instead you find yourself on the receiving end of emotions that are all over the place.

7. He plays the victim and says that you're making him suffer.

8. He uses guilt as a tactic to make you feel sorry for setting healthy boundaries for yourself or expressing very basic expectations.

9. He begins to be seen as a child in your eyes instead of a man; shirking his responsibilities and/or showing extreme neediness toward you (which is often what you later realize is really control).

10. He wears you out… you find yourself becoming tired and worn down where you once had energy and strength. It's time to make a change and get back to living your life. And tell him goodbye.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

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Is Your EX-Narc Happy Now?

“Young Woman Drinking Coffee At Mountain View” 

by Feelart via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Is your EX-Narcissist happy now?

Is he or she now blissfully delirious in their new relationship?

It may certainly seem that way.

But the cold hard truth is… no.


Oh, yes, it might appear that way from the outside looking in that he (or she) is living a life of cozy Starbucks moments, candlelight dinners, closeness and connection, laughs and thrills in the midst of excess on expensive vacations, shopping excursions and gifts. But if we look a little more closely we can see that happiness is actually far from reality for them.


The narcissist is prone to depression. The reason for their depression is much different than a healthy non-personality disordered individual. We tend to be susceptible to depression within a toxic marriage or in the aftermath of divorce due to trying to figure out what exactly we are/were dealing with in regards to the crazy behavior we've been enduring, possibly even years on end. We may be depressed trying to figure out how we are going to financially support ourselves post divorce if we've been stay at home mothers all or the majority of our marriage… I myself dealt with serious depression in the winter of 2013 trying to figure out how I was going to get on my feet financially. Many targets of narcissistic sociopaths have developed health conditions due to the stress of living with a narcissist or sociopath and now are trying to not only build a new life but manage their health… all of this can understandably be the source of depression however fleeting.


But the narcissist's depression? It's due to a lack of supply… narcissistic supply. When we abruptly leave a narc and inflict injury to their oh so delicate ego it not only angers them that they must now go out into the world and find someone new to latch onto to make themselves feel better, hence the quick need to date (if they haven't chosen to discard you yet) but it also irritates them that they lost a longterm reliable source of supply. They are resentful to the one who left, who "caused all this" in their twisted victimized mind, despite years of less than stellar behavior on their part toward their spouse. Hence, the punishment that soon comes. His (or her) pristine bubble of invincibility has been burst, as they believed no one could touch them, no one could get them, no one could crow "gotcha" by walking off and now the narc feels blindsided by their stark inferiority staring back at them.


The fact is… the new relationship is not any healthier than yours was. It may look wonderful from the outside, but it's all a facade. They are working in overdrive if the relationship is relatively new to keep their crazy under control… they are expending an unreal amount of energy to make everything look amazing on the outside… and attractive to their new supply. They are like a juggler keeping all the balls in the air. She, the new target (or he) will never be enough, she will always be beneath him, not his equal partner. He will feel a need to control her just as he did you. He will buy her and she won't know it until much like you with some time under her belt and a bad case of anxiety and walking on eggshells. No matter how valuable she appears to be to him, she like yourself is as dispensable to him as the next one will be. There will be a string of them from here out no matter how hard he tries to "keep it together"… because boredom will finally call and eventually he will lose interest.

*******************

March 2015

names have been omitted in this post

It was a sunny March afternoon… the temps were a bit warmer, thank goodness. My mother and I were headed westward down a main thoroughfare…  passing by businesses and museums, galleries and high end shops. As I drove, my mother suddenly pointed up ahead and exclaimed "Wait a minute… isn't that her?" She asked, referring to the woman my father was in a relationship with now.

I squinted and flipped my visor downward to help shield my eyes despite wearing sunglasses. With piercing eyes I spotted the taupe brown SUV just pulling away from a curb ahead. Gaining a little distance and recognizing the plates, I nodded. "Well, go figure. What do you know…" I murmured "Let's follow her and see where she goes." I said, my curiosity piqued... and with a flick of the blinker I switched lanes to tail her.

As we followed her and made our way further into the west side of town, a high end residential neighborhood… we spotted her vehicle pulling to a stop on the street in front of a nice upscale condo. Under dappled mature trees I eased my SUV to a slow stop in the block before hers, waiting. We watched from a distance as she exited the vehicle and stood on the driveway. Now we had a clear view of her for the first time. As we sat in the confines of the SUV there was a sudden white blur that went by us, barely missing grazing my left side as it sped full tilt past us down the street, headed straight for her. Sitting up a little straighter, my mouth fell open in shock…

"What the…" I trailed off,

 eyeing the white vehicle 

practically go airborne, 
like something out of 

Dukes of Hazard. 

"Wait a minute, is that…" I said, with sudden recognition of the vehicle and realizing it was my father. With lightning speed he squealed up to her condo and pulled into the front driveway. Out he leapt and with an angry stance, with arms waving wildly and a pointing of fingers we could make out heated verbiage being emitted on his part. Meanwhile she appeared to be attempting to assuage him, to calm him down. 

"Oh my…" My mother breathed from the passenger seat beside me as my mouth gaped open. She was thinking the same thing I was… the out of control behavior we had witnessed for years, that she had endured well over thirty years in their marriage, that I had dealt with for an entire childhood along with my siblings had spilled over into his new relationship. It appeared that the angry unbridled outbursts were present just as much now as they always had been and now this woman was on the receiving end of dealing with them. We watched as the woman got in the passenger seat of the SUV and allowed him to now get behind the wheel and drive away with her inside.

After they departed I slowly eased up in front of the condo, taking note of the address.

As we sat there she spoke "Sometimes things aren't always as they seem. I think we need this woman checked out if she's been around your kids." She said. I nodded as I scrolled on my iPhone "I'm already on it…" I replied and added, "I'll put in a call to a private investigator."

"Evidently the relationship is not as blissful as one would think." My mother remarked.

"It never is." I replied as I drove off and headed toward home.

*******************

When the narc's mask begins to slip, when the unedited version of their sick self begins to rear it's ugly head, when their fits outweigh the calm, when the target begins feeling less loved and viewed with contempt… when they can put their finger on the fact something isn't right… when the narc becomes bored, when they no longer feel challenged, when their affairs and lies are found out by the new one their with…

The fantasy of that wonderful new supply will fall apart, will begin to descend like a demolished building, like quicksand everything will disappear… and then the cycle must start all over again… the narc must find someone new. It's so incredibly personal what they do to their targets, yet they will do it with each and every one they are with… never ever satisfied. Yet you, on the other hand… get to have a new beginning, a real beginning, you get to heal, to go on in life with more knowledge than you had, with wisdom, with clarity, with empathy not just for yourself and what you've endured but for others as well.

You, my friend… are not dependent like him on supply to be happy. Yes, it will be a hard road, yes it will have struggle, yes, you might become depressed, yes you might have to cut corners here or there, yes you may have to rely on some wonderful people or maybe you realize all you have is God… yet He is enough. One day you will wake up to your cheek resting on a soft pillow, stretch with upward arms, feel refreshed, and with a skip in your step you will head to the kitchen to make your breakfast… and as you listen to the robins singing their morning salute to you, as your coffee percolates, as you reach for your favorite well loved mug and pitter patter with bare feet to the window to look at the sun shining happiness into your space… you will smile and say to yourself:

"It's a new day. And I'm truly happy." 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015


What are the signs of true happiness? Click here to read all 10 via Reader's Digest 

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1994 

this post contains language 

 some names have been omitted in this post 

**********

We had spent the afternoon strolling around the mall... and we had happened upon a photo booth... him spontaneously turning to me with a wide grin and taking my hand. 

“Come, “ he had said to me and I let myself be led by him to the tiny booth. 

He fed the machine with some paper money then pulled back the small black curtain to reveal a seat inside. I ducked my head, climbing in and he joined me. It was dark and intimate inside the cozy booth and the sounds of the bustling mall outside it became muffled... children's gleeful laughter on the carousel, the merry music it made as it spun in circles of dizzying delight... the sweet scent of cinnamon pretzels baking for hungry stomachs dissipating once we were behind the dark curtain. Sitting cramped inside the booth beside him, I was keenly aware of our close proximity, his crisply ironed Ralph Lauren dress shirt, his masculinity, his beautiful golden skin like that of caramel and my smallness in size next to him. The scent of his Boss cologne with notes of spice, citrus and suede filled the tiny booth overpowering it and I glanced at his profile, feeling the intimacy of the moment.

He pointed to the camera and we put our heads together, both smiling, waiting for the camera to count down to the final flash. It took our picture and we climbed out waiting for it to print. The black and white photo slowly emerged bit by bit, finally dispensing, he taking it. We both looked at it. There we were smiling together at the top of an eight by eleven crisp sheet of white paper with a tiny calendar printed below it on the bottom half of the page. He smiled quietly and handed it to me. I carefully took it so as not to wrinkle it and we left the mall.

Once back at the apartment I took a clear plastic pushpin and pinned the black and white photo calendar to the bulletin board on the wall next to the dresser mirror. He smiled and slipped his arm around me, looking at the photo. He turned to me and said into my right ear,

“Anh yeu em.”

“What does that mean?” I asked him, not understanding.

“It mean I love you Jen e fur.” He replied, affectionally giving me a hug using the three distinct syllables as he always did for my name, then retreated to the kitchen to prepare lunch while I stood there absorbing this new revelation by him. 

Oh, Shit!  I thought to myself. 

I gripped the edge of the black dresser with my fingers to steady myself from this new jolting news. My breath came out in ragged spurts, my fingers and nail beds turned stark white on the edge of the dresser and I glanced back up at the smiling photo pinned to the cork board. It was our first photographic proof of our time together. I looked intently at the girl in the photo smiling back at me. What the hell was happening? He loved me? No... this can't be. But yet how was it in this sick twisted mess that I had developed feelings for him? Oh God... I thought despairingly. How was that possible after what he'd done? He had committed at that time the seemingly unforgivable yet here I was standing in a quagmire of conflicting emotional hate and affection for him. How had this happened? It wasn't normal... surely it wasn't.... and yet I had no idea what to do or if I could even leave. Leaving... I knew he wouldn't take kindly to that.  

Now I had a tie to him however fucked up that was. 

Soul ties. 

However it comes about... whether it's your boyfriend, a long term relationship, a one night stand... a rape that turns into some kind of bizarre relationship when you are seventeen and you've left home... regardless of how it manifested... maybe you feel tied to this man, this person whom you've had sex with... and now you feel tied to them however destructive the tie may be... it may resemble anything but love... 

you realize it's not a tie of love and what God desires for you but more like zip  ties of bondage and subjugation.... 

that consequently brings a flurry of feelings... of control, helplessness, despair and a confused connection that isn't healthy. 

That is not a good thing. 

That is a tie that must be broken. 

************

A soul tie is an emotional/ sexual bond developed with a person that we know is not healthy for us but yet we continually feel a pull toward that person. This is can prevent us from moving forward in life and leading us to the good, healthy relationships that God desires us to have. Soul ties can leave us stuck and unable to move past the baggage we need to deal with. It can be in the case of a one night stand, a long term relationship that ended, a divorce, etc. We have to cut these toxic ties to others so that we can go on to live the life God has planned for us... cutting these ties pleases God and living to please Him is much more important than living with the gravitational pull toward another human being that is not in our best interests. God wants us to ask for help in cutting soul ties we may have with someone and praying for His help is one of the wisest things we can do. It will take time...  there may be setbacks, but by staying in God's word, admitting to Him you need help and cutting all contact with the person whom you have a soul tie with... will greatly benefit you in moving forward. Eventually over time we will find that we no longer think of this person and finally feel free! 

When we run... flee from the ties that bind us in sin.... 

When we say "no more" and shut that door... 

When we obey God and what He desires for us... 

We will be incredibly blessed and live in peace.... 

what great freedom there is in that!

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

Cutting soul ties: 

1. pray to God for help with cutting your soul tie

2. find healing by searching your heart for any un-forgivness toward the person 

3. cut all contact including email, phone calls and texting

4. ask for help and to be held accountable by a friend who is supportive but non judgmental 

5. throw away any mementos, cards, photos etc you have from the person 

To My Readers: 
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