“Future” by graur razvan donut via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
It's never easy for a good woman to walk away; especially after she's invested so much of herself into making it work. Just know, that by the time she finally decides to leave, she's given you countless chances and debated the idea, over and over in her head, at least 1000 times. She's exhausted; she's frustrated and totally heartbroken to have to walk away from a man who deep down inside, she still loves and is still willing to fight for."
- Mr. Amari Soul
But sometimes were not willing
But sometimes were not willing
to fight for love anymore…
because sometimes we realize were the only one fighting for it.
December 2015
names have been omitted in this post
*****************
because sometimes we realize were the only one fighting for it.
December 2015
names have been omitted in this post
*****************
It was just days before Christmas… what a year it had been. It was a year of many changes and blessings… of financial stability, health and even heartbreak. But with that heartbreak came the promise of a new year… a fresh start… and renewed hope.
Wearing black leggings, warm socks and a plaid flannel shirt I poured milk from it's plastic container into a small pot upon the cooktop… waiting for it to slowly simmer and gradually reach a soft rolling boil. I listened as my mother spoke.
"I'll tell you why you're so upset! Why the past few weeks have been so hard! It's because he turned out to not be willing to do the necessary work he needed to. He wasn't willing to step up. Because deep down you realize he doesn't love you enough to do it." She watched as I returned the milk to it's place in the refrigerator, closing it. Then I rummaged through the pantry in search of hot cocoa powder.
Ouch.
Yeppers. That was it.
My voice cracked with emotion like it does when I'm trying my hardest not to cry. "Yeah…" I replied feeling the sting of the truth biting me. "He kept complaining about his back pain, his depression, his ex, his mother, his job, it was always something. I began to realize he just wanted me to be his fix for everything. He takes zero personal responsibility for his own life. I mentioned counseling… that it really helps. He said he would need me to join him in counseling… in his own words "to keep him honest"… I thought that was the most bizarre and alarming thing to say."
She nodded and said "He needed you to keep him honest… like a child? So what? If you married him you'd have to be with him 24/7 just to ensure he's doing what he's supposed to do? Being where he's supposed to be? Who the heck is going to sign up for that? Then what? If he cheats… let me guess… it's your fault?"
I murmured in agreement as I poured hot cocoa powder into empty Christmas mugs from Target for my daughter and I and then set out a tub of cool whip and chocolate sprinkles.
"I actually said the same thing to him in so many words. I asked him if he was three years old… that I shouldn't have to baby-sit him. It's so ironic, really… he accused me of not wanting to put in the work necessary when he's actually the one that is stubborn to self-growth and personal responsibility. It's not my first rodeo… I've been through this before… all this twisting and spinning." I sighed "At the end of the day it's a no go. It's really hurt because I had high hopes. That's the thing about it… you can deeply love and care about someone even if they aren't right for you."
A Letter Of Love…
You lost him.
Or her.
You lost someone special.
Someone who at one time you would have done anything for.
Maybe you did.
Maybe you still would.
Maybe you would have walked on glass or through fire to prove how much you loved them.
Maybe you would have walked on glass or through fire to prove how much you loved them.
Maybe you would have fought every weary battle imaginable to be with them.
Perhaps losing them happened in one fell swoop… or perhaps it was a painful, long, slow, process as bit by bit you lost them more each day over the course of weeks, months, even years.
Maybe you knew every scar beneath clothing.
Maybe you knew every smirk, look, and inflection.
Maybe you knew each quirk, peeve and irritation.
Maybe you listened to their every fear, hope and dream into the wee hours of night.
Maybe you grasped their hand with affection when all was good and clasped it when tears fell from their eyes in the bad.
Maybe you knew exactly where their sore spots were, where not to touch, where you dared not go so as to never inflict further hurt and pain.
Maybe you knew every little thing that made them laugh and every great joy they basked in.
Maybe you knew their soul, their deep down yearnings like no other… maybe you read every page of their heart and still desired to know more.
Maybe you made love to them in the brilliant sunlight of day with the scent of coffee nearby… or maybe you satisfied them in the midnight hours eliciting increasing crescendo.
Maybe you held them tight when they were afraid and put their worries to rest even when they knew they were silly.
Maybe you worried when they didn't call or arrive when promised… all those times you fleetingly felt a surge of reality rise up within from your stomach and strike your heart… reality that you simply can't lose this person who means everything to you.
Maybe you didn't step up when you needed to… maybe you feel you failed them on some level however difficult or impossible to admit to yourself because it hurts too much.
Maybe you didn't allow yourself to be vulnerable with them and let your annoying traits, your hang-ups, your occasional doubts show because you questioned who could love those.
Maybe you sacrificed too much… maybe you said yes too many times when you should have said no… maybe you realize you were doing the opposite of what you should have been doing.
Maybe they gave up on you and you're left standing on the side of the road wondering where to go next… lost… lonely and baffled.
Maybe you are mourning who you thought they were... as it turned out they resembled hurt rather than love.
Maybe you'll never stop loving them because it wasn't that you didn't… it's that no matter how you tried to show it… you could never seem to get it right.
Maybe you know now that whatever you did wrong you can't go back and fix… whatever it is, or was it's simply too late…
Maybe you're kicking yourself.
Maybe you're angry with them as well.
And maybe you need to realize that it's okay to be upset…
It's okay to cry.
It's okay to acknowledge a great loss has happened.
Maybe you'll never stop loving them because it wasn't that you didn't… it's that no matter how you tried to show it… you could never seem to get it right.
Maybe you know now that whatever you did wrong you can't go back and fix… whatever it is, or was it's simply too late…
Maybe you're kicking yourself.
Maybe you're angry with them as well.
And maybe you need to realize that it's okay to be upset…
It's okay to cry.
It's okay to acknowledge a great loss has happened.
It's okay to admit that you still love them... love is there, always will be... it's just that you aren't right for each other.
It's brave to say "I don't have it all together", "I miss them" or even "I screwed up."
It takes guts to say "I'm not okay… but I will be."
There is no shame in saying "This didn't turn out how I wanted it to."
There is no shame in saying "I'm incredibly disappointed."
There is no shame in saying "I'm struggling."
We've all been there.
To act like we haven't would be a lie.
The hurt you are experiencing is not only completely understandable but so necessary… it's necessary to go through the dark tunnel of sorrow and grief, to gather up all the past and sort through it like a stack of fading photographs… it's necessary so as to make room for all the new…
Because there is another chapter…
Shining brightly for you.
A whole new world awaits and gradually it's one free of tears and a non-bruised heart.
It's a chapter of great adventures, new skills and learning.
It's a chapter of fresh faces, long talks and laughs.
It's a chapter of healing, self-care and possibly love again.
This trying time won't last forever.
In the overall scheme of life it's a blip.
Embrace the now, your mourning, your loss and emotions.
Then wipe your eyes and cling to hope… hope that indeed life will get better.
It always does.
Be patient, wait for it.
Everything better is worth waiting for.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
It's brave to say "I don't have it all together", "I miss them" or even "I screwed up."
It takes guts to say "I'm not okay… but I will be."
There is no shame in saying "This didn't turn out how I wanted it to."
There is no shame in saying "I'm incredibly disappointed."
There is no shame in saying "I'm struggling."
We've all been there.
To act like we haven't would be a lie.
The hurt you are experiencing is not only completely understandable but so necessary… it's necessary to go through the dark tunnel of sorrow and grief, to gather up all the past and sort through it like a stack of fading photographs… it's necessary so as to make room for all the new…
Because there is another chapter…
Shining brightly for you.
A whole new world awaits and gradually it's one free of tears and a non-bruised heart.
It's a chapter of great adventures, new skills and learning.
It's a chapter of fresh faces, long talks and laughs.
It's a chapter of healing, self-care and possibly love again.
This trying time won't last forever.
In the overall scheme of life it's a blip.
Embrace the now, your mourning, your loss and emotions.
Then wipe your eyes and cling to hope… hope that indeed life will get better.
It always does.
Be patient, wait for it.
Everything better is worth waiting for.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
To My Readers:
Thank you for reading, commenting
and sharing!
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