Your Daughter's Bestie: 5 Signs Of A Great One

The Bestie.

The pinky promises.

The friendship bracelets.

The endless photos.

The shared dress up clothes.

The pajama parties.

The inside jokes.

When your little girl announces she has a best friend you are naturally going to be excited for her. Maybe you reminisce about your first best friend… maybe years later she's still your best friend. There are many wonderful things about having a bestie, no doubt. There are endless pluses to your daughter having a close friend to share special experiences and to make memories with she will fondly look back on one day.

As a mother you want the best for your daughter and that includes friendships that are healthy for her. One great thing about your daughter having a bestie is that she will not only learn so much about her friend but also herself.

The Importance Of Sharing… 
It's important that your daughter and her bestie share the spotlight. They should be able to take turns in allowing each other to shine and one not taking over. It's important they encourage turn taking whether it be at playing games, playing dress up (choosing to be a princess versus wicked witch) or even just alternating playing with the only scooter on a playdate.


The Reality Of Rejection… and Conversation Starters
Keeping your communication open with your daughter about her friendship is so important… it's vital she has a soft place to go to (you) with any issues that rise up that are drama related. Perhaps there is a third girl at school that your daughter's bestie is talking to about her… then she gets wind of it. Or maybe she attempts to play hopscotch with her bestie and a third girl on the school playground… only to be shunned suddenly by her best friend. These types of scenarios teach your daughter that exclusion hurts… very much so and that the golden rule do unto others as you would want them to do unto you still very much applies even today. To feel rejected by her peers is devastating… especially at a young age. If your daughter is repeatedly being rejected by her so called bestie… it may be time for her to re-evaluate her friendship. There might be a conversation needed where you encourage her to think on her own… to prompt her evaluation of the situation. You can begin that process by asking her these questions:


1. How does it make you feel when she does that?
2. Would you do that to someone? 
How would it make you feel knowing you did?
3. What does a best friend look like to you? How does she behave?
4. If a best friend does something mean should she say she's sorry?
5. If she says she's sorry how would you expect her behavior to change?


The Ugliness Of Betrayal… and Importance Of Loyalty
A bestie who talks about your daughter behind her back is not behaving as a best friend should. This is an important opportunity to discuss the meaning of betrayal and let your daughter not only express her feelings about the situation but explore what betrayal by a friend means specifically to her. This is a great time to discuss with your daughter the importance of loyalty… not being two-faced and to set healthy boundaries. It may be good for your daughter to realize that confrontation doesn't have to be a bad thing… she can confront her friend regarding her gossiping, listen to her response and state her feelings. It's important that we teach our daughters that to confront is not mean but instead the route we take doing it is what really matters. It also can be a chance to realize we may go about it wrong but in that we can also try to make things right. Ultimately as moms we can teach our daughters that we don't have to take or put up with just anything thrown our way… we always have a choice… we can choose.


Self Esteem... Up Or Down?
If your daughter's self esteem seems to have taken a nose dive during the course of her friendship… it may be time to look at the words her friend uses. Are they uplifting? Are they kind? Are they encouraging? Is her bestie's behavior dismissive? Hurtful? Excluding? Using? Discouraging? If your daughter is feeling left out, if words are making her feel criticized or self conscious and to turn inward… if she's doing the brunt of the school work on a project they are supposed to do jointly… if she's showing anxiety about going to school or withdrawing socially… it may be time to take a long hard look at her friendship.


Encouragement and Love… 
When we encourage our daughters to be brave… to ask for what they need in relationships… to state what they expect… to draw the line at behaviors that should not continue… when we model healthy boundaries ourselves and remind her that God doesn't expect her to be a doormat… He doesn't expect her to roll over and be treated poorly… that it is permissible and even okay(!) for her to learn to stand up for herself in a calm respectful manner… then we know as moms we have reminded her that she is worthy, she is dearly loved for who she is… and most of all by God.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

5 Signs She's A Great Bestie: 

1. She loves you for you 

2. She believes in you

3. She treats others with kindness 

4. She gives not just takes

5. She is trustworthy

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. 

It has no survival value; 

rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.

-  C. S. Lewis

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To My Readers; 

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commenting and sharing! 

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Divorce: 6 Practical Tips For Healing

2012-2013

names have been omitted or changed in this post 

this post contains language 

****************

"I would just like us to reach a point where we can be friends... you know, I'd really like to be friends and maybe go to dinner occasionally with the kids. I don't see why we can't do that." He told me very casually, sitting beside me. 

My body language was one of distance as I shrank back away from him sitting beside me and I hugged the left side of my hard backed plastic chair attempting to put some space between us to my right. 

"Friends?! Friends with you?!" I exclaimed.... no longer willing to hold back any more as this had been a continual issue cropping up for months.

"You want to be friends?! You don't treat a friend the way you've treated me and our kids! You don't treat a friend the way you have destroyed our whole family!" I snapped at him gaining momentum to continue.... 

"You ran around on me with multiple women, you now add insult to injury by being so insensitive toward the children as you now have a girlfriend you are telling the kids about and having in the house, you traveled all over the country for "work trips" all the while I was at home doing EVERYTHING while you were NEVER around, you were always gone, you always had "to work", you missed all the doctor appointments the kids had and then suddenly we were getting a divorce and you swoop in and act like some star parent like you are involved and now attend all the appointments when all you've previously been is an absentee dad and a sperm donor... the kids themselves cry you've ruined their lives... not to mention the fact you've put my physical health at risk because you were selfish and caused me to have to go get a full std panel done! Yes, yes, that makes a woman really happy to have to go do that.... and then you want to whine to everyone about how I'm so mean because I can't be your "friend" and go to dinner as a family and how I must be turning the children against you because they vocalize they don't want to be at your house... No, no and no.... You did this. This was all your choice. This is all you... so don't try to continue this innocent facade you've continually tried to paint the past nine months of this process like you are "super dad" because in reality you have decided to continually act like a sorry, sorry sack of shit! And then you want to know why I'm angry and don't want to be friends?"

"Ahem.... Ummmm..." our son's psychiatrist interjected with a clearing of his throat, slicing the tension in the air of his office. He looked at me and spoke empathetically, "I'm glad you got this out and said what you needed to... " he acknowledged understandingly to me, then turned to my estranged spouse with a wary look... 

"Look..." he began... "Let me say something and this is very, very important what I'm about to tell you... " he paused taking a deep breath... "Do not... Do not ever, ever, ever tell her ever again you want to be friends. Is that clear? Because you may be fine with everything and in a good place but she is dealing with raw emotions and hurting and also hurting for the kids too... You two being friends.... not a good idea, okay? The expectations are too high. No dinners, either. You both need space and time apart. And any communication would best be done by email not phone, text or in person. This relationship needs to be kept strictly professional. Maybe you can have a binder of information you pass back and forth on exchange day.... does that make sense to you? Because we really need to get some distance between you two." he affirmed once again, shooting me a quick look of sympathy as my lower lip began to quiver and I silently cursed it to stop so the tears wouldn't begin.

                       *************

When we use ugly, accusing, attacking words, it's a sign we are not just angry but truly hurt. We are suffering in a deep quagmire of hurts, injustices and disappointments. We may not just be feeling our own hurts but the hurts of those around us.... especially any hurts our children are experiencing which as a mother are always felt ten fold to our own pain and grief. 

It might take months or years to heal from the pain of divorce. For even if you were in a less than great marriage or one that smacked of abuse, you can rest assured it's completely normal to be upset, sad, hurt, disappointed and angry... the reason for this being because we are grieving "what should have been" and what we wished for our marriage and children. Naturally no one marries  planning to get divorced. 

Practical Tips For Healing: 

1. Just grieve. Trying to stuff the grief, anger and pain down will only serve to stall healing. It's important to allow yourself to feel the emotions of anger and sadness so you can eventually reach the goal of healing and forgiveness. Some people take longer than others to heal from the pain of divorce and each person is unique in their grief. 

2. Explore what it is that is possibly holding you back in the healing process. If you had a spouse who refused to acknowledge that what they've done has been detrimental to the family then it's understandably frustrating and infuriating... if you've felt there has been a lack of closure due to one spouses inability or unwillingness to discuss the dissolution of the marriage, the healing process may very well take longer. If you are expecting an apology in order to move on that you never get.... it may be about accepting the fact you may never recieve what you are desiring. Exploring the reasons why we may be stalled in the stage of anger may be greatly beneficial to us.

3. If you were unaware your spouse was cheating during the marriage, once you find out it may be comparable to being hit by a Mack truck... despite any existing marital issues perhaps you didn't see a betrayal coming and with that we may find ourselves reeling from shock while our spouse has already moved on because they've started their new life within the marriage some time ago... it was just you who didn't get the memo. When this happens the grief may feel one sided. It's understandable to feel insult to injury when our hurts may feel overwhelmingly in our face yet the other person appears to be sailing through their new life largely unaffected. This may compound our hurt but also know that this doesn't necessarily mean the other person is 100% healed... they may be squashing and stuffing feelings that will come back later with a vengeance.Try not to focus on where you believe the other person is in their healing process as it will serve no positive purpose.

4. Some people may want to have a post divorce friendship with their ex and others may have zero contact... the choices have a wide spectrum and you have to decide for yourself what is best for you and your personal situation. If there has been physical or emotional abuse in the marriage then it may be best to keep contact to zero. Utilizing email, a binder or www.ourfamilywizard may be beneficial to keeping the lines of communication open regarding any children but no more than needed. It's up to you what type of relationship you are willing or comfortable in having with your ex. People may believe you are not making the right choice but it's your life and your decision and only you know the intricacies of your unique position. At exchanges of the children, soccer games, school plays etc, keeping conversation minimal and polite is always a good rule of thumb no matter how much animosity you may still currently feel for the other person. 

5. When there are children involved you may occasionally feel placed in the middle. If your son or daughter is calling you crying that "Daddy is being mean  and yelling at me.... come pick me up" and/or your ex is talking to them about their dating life, it's going to pull you in and there will be decisions that have to be made of how to react. A good rule of thumb is to tell your children "I'm sorry you are upset and I see that's really frustrating you. But... you are at Daddy's and I am not able to pick you up. This is something you need to try to talk to Daddy about, tell him how you feel" or "I'm hearing from you it hurts your feelings that he's dating someone. Have you told him how you feel about it?" By encouraging your children to use their speech and express themselves in a healthy manner but also being a soft spot for them to go to from a distance when they are on the other parents turf is a win win for everyone involved. 

6. Whatever personal issues your ex and you have between you can be eased when each parent is stepping up and being the parent the children need them to be. If one parent is lacking skills and makes a concerted effort to improve and makes wise decisions in not flaunting their dating life in front of the children too soon after the divorce is final when wounds are still fresh... not only do the children benefit from that but the other spouse does also. Because when a mother can see that the father of her children is making good decisions to not inflict further pain upon the kids it does something positive.... it allows her to see him in at least some positive light. At that time she can at say to herself "Okay, he and I may have all this mess between us but at least he IS being a wonderful dad!" This does so much to benefit not just the children but mom's healing because she knows the children are being well cared for and loved. That may very well be the stepping stone she needs to move into a better place and heal. 

Divorce is hard. It's always a mess of muddied emotions and each person's situation is unique and their own. Being friends may not be possible and setting the bar too high may certainly place unrealistic expectations upon us and unnecessary pressure. Post divorce it's not a written rule that friendship is a must or even a preferable goal for exes. What is the goal for divorced parents in particular is one of just being polite as we would any stranger or acquaintance we occasionally see. Keeping things polite and professional will go a long way ininstilling  healthy boundaries needed in the post divorce relationship. Being too chummy with our ex may send a mixed message to our children who may think if we are able to be so friendly with one another why did we divorce to begin with? The other extreme in delivering regular doses of bashing in front of the children to our ex which will not only create further strife but land you in court. 

Taking healing one day at a time and placing whatever amount is nescessary of distance between you and your ex will go a long way in getting yourself to a healthy place. We can meditate and pray for God to intervene and help us in the process, having faith we will make it through... but only after acknowledging to Him our hurts and sinful actions or words we've inflicted too. When we do this we open the door to that first step and can find sweet victory in that very act.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013

                      To My Readers: 

                        Thank you for reading, 

                         commenting

                         and sharing! 

The Cost Of Bad Company

“Soldier Man Back” by mania room via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Do not be deceived: 

“Bad company ruins good morals.”   

- 1 Corinthians 15:33

We are in a constant battle. 

A constant battle with the devil. 

It is unfortunate but reality. 

We must suit up and cloak ourselves in armor to fight spiritual warfare. We have many weapons of destruction we can use against the devil and one of them is knowing God's truth. Knowing God's word and having a personal relationship with Him is one of the most important ways to protect yourself. When you know God's truth you are less likely to fall into the tricks and traps of the devil's lies. 

It's imperative we believe, we have faith in God and we can achieve this by changing our internal dialogue we have with ourselves. Instead of telling ourselves "Gee, I hope God has this. I sure hope He's going to pull through for me." We can assert our faith and say "I KNOW God has a great plan for me and He will help me see this through!" 

We can change "I hope" to...

 "I KNOW!" 

The more you tell yourself this and believe it the more amazing things you will experience in your life. You will be less tempted by sin, less negative, less doubting. 

We CAN win this battle but sometimes it's not just us that is fighting the devil. What if someone else is bringing the devil into your life picture?

What if your spouse has a friend who is negatively influencing his or her life thus also yours? I have upon talking to other's found this to be a somewhat common issue in marriages and in families. 

Each person's social circle that they choose for themselves is a reflection of who they are. Unlike family, an individual's friends are of their choosing. They are the "family" they choose for themselves. Friends reflect our true character, our morals, our values and our spiritual life. So what happens when a spouse has a friend who completely goes against the grain of what YOUR expectations and values are for your marriage and family? It's a serious problem. It is indeed a threat to your marriage. To your entire family. 

If your spouse has a male friend who believes it is perfectly acceptable to engage in illicit sex, who drinks and drives, who uses women as objects to satisfy himself sexually, who goes to strip clubs, spends money excessively, who doesn't hold marriage as a sacred union then what are the chances your marriage will survive? It's not any different for the woman who has a female friend who thinks it's perfectly fine to cheat, use her sexuality to climb the corporate ladder and turn to alcohol to solve her problems. 

This is why it is so incredibly important to wear a suit of armor. We must do everything we can to protect ourselves, our marriages and our families. It is up to the spouse to be the strong one and take a stand. Assert yourself and tell your spouse "I value you and our marriage too much to let the devil come between us. I will do everything in my power and faith through God to protect our marriage."

Sever the friendship that is tainting your life, your marriage and your family. When we marry we make a life long covenant with our spouse not our friends. 

A constant negative influence of sin and how you handle it with God's help will eventually contribute to whether your marriage and yes, even your family will break or make it. It takes a very strong person to do that. You may argue that standing alone is very hard when taking the easy route may be preferable. But remember, you are never ever really alone. God is right there beside you. Jesus shed his blood for you! He's ready to hand you every weapon you need to fight back and stand in triumph. 

We don't have to hope for a win. 

We can know we will. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2012 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

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