Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The 3 Stages The Sociopath Puts You Through

spring 2014

some names have been omitted in this post 


I sat watching my son's indoor soccer game from the top tier of the bleachers. Seeing that he was being switched with a different player I went back to the flashcards I was studying for one of my final exams. Focusing on the handwritten index cards I then heard a roar of applause and cheers from the crowd of parents surrounding me. In the distance on the opposite side there were groans and angry parents tapping on the glass barrier yelling instructions to their children on the field. Why did parents think that did any good? I thought to myself… if anything it takes away from the coach's instructions and distracts the children trying to play. It's just a game, folks… I thought to myself and tried to refocus on my cards. But glancing up... I saw him.

Strolling along the glass toward my direction already looking at me.

Too late.

Our eyes met.

I tried to avert my eyes but he (the ex) continued to walk toward me.

Why doesn't he stay away? I thought, irritated. Yet here he predictably comes over to me like a rabid dog that won't go away.

He saunters over…

"Hey…" he says a little too chirpy.

"Hey" I reply neutrally but less than enthused.

My allergies start going crazy for whatever reason and my eyes begin watering. The place stinks of mustiness and sweat. But I take a guess that I'm allergic to him instead.

He looks closely at me "You okay?" he asks.

"Yeah" I tell him, quickly blinking and wishing my eyes would clear and nose would stop like it was about to runaway.

"Really? Are you sure?" he presses and looks closely at me with scrutiny "Because you don't look it."
He adds with a tone flecked with obvious fake concern.

Uh huh… I think to myself... you're just the poster boy of empathy and concern… too bad no one but your mother believes it.

"I'm fine" I tell him, wondering what venom he's come over to spew at me now. Because he wants face to face time he must be low on supply, I surmise… he must need some attention like a withering plant that needs to be watered. He needs to be fed. He must have just been dumped or scorned by someone today.

He begins blathering on about something related to the kids… who knows… it's a circular spiel of sociopathy-something that never makes it to it's final destination… the train never arrives to the station… the point is never made. I glance at my watch not because it's battery works (because those of us with ADHD know time means nothing to us and we don't wear watches to read the time but for jewelry) but to make a point to him that my time is extra valuable when he's infringing on it so get to the point and wrap it up already.

He finally begins summing up whatever it is and gestures to the flashcards.

"So… what are you doing?" He asks with curiosity.

"Studying" I tell him "I have tests to take."

"Ohhh… I just assumed you gave up on that" he replied with a tone of pity.

Irritation rose inside and I wanted to react to him but instead I just shook my head and said cooly "No… no, not at all" I replied… carefully controlling my response as neutral in tone.

He stares at the flashcards in my hands and steps back a step for grand effect and exclaims "Wow… that's great." He says as he crosses his arms, nodding "I had no idea. So you're really doing this…" his face breaks into a smile that is forced and looks painful "That's great! Wow… I have to say… I'm proud of you."

This coming from the man who once said:

"I make your life possible!"

This coming from the man who once said:

"If it wasn't for marrying me you'd have gone from 
one bad relationship to another and probably stripped for a living."

This coming from the man who once said: 

"You're mine. I own you."

This coming from the man who once said:

"A man is never nice to a woman just to be nice… 
it's always because they want something."

You're a liar. I thought, recoiling inside. You wanted me on the street with nothing. You behave like a pitiful excuse for a human being, an empty shell of a person who has zero empathy or endearment towards anyone. A man who feels nothing but emptiness inside and will sadly swing from one relationship to another the rest of his life to fill that empty need that is burning to be squelched within. Who will say he's "in love" with each woman he dates not because he is in love with her but because he loves how she makes him feel about himself. She will be his temporary ego enhancer, his fleeting lucky charm, his of-the-moment embellishment of radiance.

I don't need your compliments.

I don't need your affirmations.

I don't need your accolades and praises.

I don't need any of it.

I know I will make it.

Because I have faith.

I have determination.

And because every time I feel like throwing in the towel and quitting

I jump back in the race to press forward…

to victory.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 


if a sociopath is suddenly nice to you after you've already 
been discarded by him/her their about to pull something.
Don't fall for his/her sudden niceness, because it's a facade

The Sociopath has three stages they put their target through. 

1. Idealize
 2. Devalue 
3. Discard 

Stage 1: 

When the sociopath first meets you the facade he puts on is a pure sham that only benefits him. The idealization stage is the first stage and it's the one where he objectifies you not as a person but as a shiny charm that makes him look good to the outside world. The intense interest he has in you is not deep nor rooted in love but of shallowness and he sees you as disposable. The time a sociopath spends on you in this stage depends on how long he can manipulate you, how long he can use you… it could be two years, it could be five… but many marriages that involve a sociopath are ten plus years. During the initial idealization stage he has charmed his way into your heart and life. He has been sweet talking, listening, doting and caring. He has been your solid rock and your fixer to any problems or woes. He has professed his "undying love" to you and you have zero reason to believe he'd ever leave you. 

Stage 2:

Slowly over time, unbeknownst to you… he begins the devaluing stage. This is the stage where he begins giving you just enough attention, affirmation, encouragement, etc to keep you hooked like a pill user but eventually you will come to find it's jagged… because it's alternated with bouts of emotional abuse… abuse like put down's and open criticism… checking out other women and saying things like "I can look at the menu, I just can't order off it", telling you that you "look terrible", screaming at you with exasperation and storming off, losing his patience… or maybe he seems on edge or drives passive aggressively to intimidate you behind the wheel… maybe he divides your unity as parents towards the children and doesn't stand beside you on important issues regarding the kids schooling, behavior and moral upbringing… perhaps he's speaking crassly to you and groping you inappropriately… maybe he's suddenly drinking and driving, getting speeding tickets or suddenly gambling, drinking, etc. You stand confused wondering what's going on… but you're so hungry… maybe you begin to feel like a hungry desperate rat… waiting for that blasted tiny crumb… to get it from him already… waiting for that fix…. that tiny morsel of sweet attention… that you hang on and wait anxiously for it to appear again… because you continue to your own detriment to think back on how he was when you initially met and can't for the life of you figure out why oh why isn't he like that still? 

He continues dishing out alternative meals of sweetness and toxic poison and you waffle back and forth in confusion… like a squirrel running in circles, you're not able to put your finger on what is going on… this isn't who you picked out… yet you can still see glimpses of the man you first met, dated and married… so you keep doubting yourself… you keep chalking your doubts up to maybe "you're just too sensitive"… or maybe "you really do just need to relax"… as he may keep telling you. Maybe you need to focus more on making him happy… so you now throw yourself into the relationship that is dying like a wounded animal along the side of the highway. You find yourself taking more and more abuse and yet in some way you're desperate… anxiously hoping he's going to change back, that all this will turn around and you may even naively believe you have the ability to magically change it all on your own. I know….  because I was there. I know firsthand that feeling… that "if I just do this"… or "if I can just do that…" but no… it's not gonna happen. This is a sinking ship.

Stage 3: 

The third and final stage is the discarding stage. By now you are so deep in, you've invested so many years… you've "been through so much" leading up to this point in time you likely just can't imagine throwing in the towel. But now… it's openly bad. It's openly ugly. It's openly a war zone. You can feel the hate toward you coming off him like peeling paint. He reveals his true feelings toward you completely and you frighteningly realize his "love" for you was never ever real. It was a facade of fake and carefully construed emotions to reel you in like a fish and then once he used up all of the goody in you he tossed you aside like nothing. By now you may feel exhausted, spent… you may feel like a hundred years old and not recognize yourself in the mirror any longer. Maybe your health has suffered, you're now living with a chronic condition or you've yo-yo'ed on your weight for years because of all the continual stress and living on eggshells. Maybe you've developed anxiety, ptsd or have panic attacks. Perhaps you feel stupid for falling for his tricks and deceit… maybe you chastise yourself for having self esteem that low… and yet you vaguely remember a girl once upon a time that was vibrant, confident and secure in who she was… not the person you know now… that feels unsure, that questions, that self doubts and is reliant on him.

He blames you for the relationship ending. He takes zero responsibility for what he's done. Maybe he's cheated, maybe he's lied on his taxes, maybe he's a sex offender, maybe he's a gambler, an alcoholic and abusive physically. Maybe he doesn't pay the bills, he doesn't work or maybe he "re-structures" his job  so he can take a cut in pay. No matter what he's done… what he's lied about, orchestrated behind your back or done to you and your children… he blames you for it.

If you're able to discard him before he executes his plan to discard you… beware. It will be a triumphant walk away from him yet it comes with a price… as he will be doubly furious he was snookered… of all people by you. And he will begin his vendetta against you for it… using any means he can… typically involving lying about your character to others, spending down your money through court costs or using your children against you in retaliation.

If he discards you… let him.

You've lost nothing.

You can't lose something you never had to begin with.

His love was non-existent.

It was all a lie. He will put the next woman (and the next woman) through the same three stages in his next relationship.

Consider yourself blessed to be away from him.

Consider yourself blessed to have a fresh start.

Consider yourself blessed to be in the next most important stage of your life…


To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

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