Friday, March 18, 2016

Leaving An Abusive Partner: 30 Tips For An Exit Plan

“Unhappy Young Woman” by David Castillo Dominici 

October 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 


I checked my iPhone upon hearing the ping and saw it was yet another text from the guy I was dating. He was letting me know that he had purchased tickets to see Puscifer at the Majestic in Dallas in November and wanted me to join him. I wasn't familiar with the band but he shared with me it's connection to Tool which I was vaguely familiar with. 

Him sending me the lyrics to his favorite song I read them with pause… 

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down.
- Tool 

Was this not what was to come? 
Was this not precisely how a sociopath worked? 
To elevate you just enough to bring you down? 
Was this the past about to happen yet again?
Was this not the opposite of love? 
Was this the self-hatred of a personality disordered individual 
used in fueling their agenda to destroy? 

Those lyrics summed up so
 much in such a small space. 
Eight simple yet intricate lines that wrought
 growingly complicated pain. 
Yes, in the end it proved to be true and certainly 
what came in my last relationship and my marriage. 


A narcissistic sociopath is capable of many things… lying, cheating, abuse, stalking… and yes, even in some extremes, the most dangerous on the spectrum of disorder; a psychopath who is capable of murder… think Ted Bundy. Sociopaths and psychopaths both disregard the law, morals, the needs of others, guilt and remorse… charm, manipulation and entitlement run rampant with these toxic personality disordered individuals. 

“Let’s say I committed this crime, even if I did, it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?"
-  O.J. Simpson

Abuse and murder is not love. 
An abuser believes he (or she) is not complete without the other person, that they cannot survive without them.  "If I can't have you no one will have you." They adhere to jealousy and control; believing that being a man means having total and complete control and compliance from their partner. An abuser thinks rigidly and is not able to see other's points of view; they are right and unable to see gray areas; compromising and discussion is not done.

When a psychopath takes someone's life they may try to plead insanity. But we know that this couldn't be further from the truth. To be considered legally insane one must not know the crime or murder they are committing is illegal. Psychopaths however KNOW they are committing an act that is illegal. The fact of the matter is: they don't care. They lack remorse. They lack guilt. They lack shame. This is willful blatant sin. 

This post is for those who need an exit plan to leave an toxic partner. Women are typically not as physically strong as men… when we watch the news each night we see countless women who are being murdered merely because their spouse or soon to be ex-spouse decided they would inflict further control and prevent them from leaving…. thus killing them. The fact is… women are at their highest risks of being murdered during two times in their life:

1) being pregnant 
2) leaving an abusive relationship

More than 90 percent of women murdered by men are killed by someone they know. source

The fact that women are being robbed of a new chapter, a chance of real happiness, health and peace… that they are prevented from regaining their freedom from a toxic relationship and even losing their ability to raise their children should outrage not just women but men as well. These women are someone's daughter, sister, niece, etc. These women are valuable, precious people that deserve to live a life free of ugly words, emotional manipulation and physical abuse.

Yet there are men who are abused by their partners as well… often these men continue to "take" the abuse because they would never dream of hitting a female back (even in self defense)… so they stay, hoping for change or escape. Often people say domestic violence could never happen to men. But that's not true.  

No one deserves to live a life like that; 
male or female. 

Specifically, statistics show that the vast majority of murders of women are by men they intimately know. Regardless, this post of tips can be applied to men as well wanting to escape an abusive marriage or relationship.

30 Tips For An Exit Plan:

1. Document, document, document; it can't be stated enough. Journals, (with dates) texts, (screenshots printed) emails, recordings, photos, etc. Stash them in a safe deposit box (choose a bank you don't normally use) a trusted family member or friend has access to.
2. Have a safe place to go; a friends home, family members, local women's shelter, etc.
3. Always be ready; keep your vehicle fueled, backed in or pulled into the parking space ahead, keep an extra set of car keys somewhere safe; with a trusted person or the safe deposit box. Staying in your home isn't wise, it's best to find a new location; if you choose to stay in your home at minimum change the locks and install cameras. Get a security system. Use it diligently.
4. Have cash set aside and in a safe place. Don't use bank accounts; they can be traced.
5. Always have a hard copy of trusted people's phone numbers and addresses.
6. Utilize the lock on your cell phone.
7. Have a bag of clothes; hoodie, cap, scarf and essentials; toothbrush/paste, feminine products, medicine, etc hidden in your vehicle or stashed with a trusted friend/family.
8. Keep all important documents for you and your children; papers like a passport, marriage license, medical records, taxes, car title, birth certificates, bank account information, social security cards, etc in a safe deposit box.
9. Take all precious photos and things of sentimental value; scrapbooks, albums, special things your children made.
10. Place your wedding ring, other valuable jewelry and your laptop in a safe deposit box; you may need to sell the jewelry later for money.
11. Family computer; erase all history on it. Create a false trail for your abuser... do a search for a hotel in the opposite direction you'll be staying.
12. Buy mace; carry it on you.
13. Take a self defense class/ training course and get your CHL; buy a gun if you feel you need one but keep in mind the risk of your abuser getting it from you.
14. Get a protective order; keep a copy on you and an extra in the safe deposit box.
15. If you believe your spouse or ex could potentially kill you; write a statement that if you are found dead for investigators to look at your spouse/ex as a prime suspect. Keep this in a safe deposit box.
16. Have a new will drawn up.
17. Have your vehicle checked for a GPS tracking system; have it ripped it out and keep it/photograph it for evidence. Download an app called TimeStamp to take all photos with the date and time on them for documenting everything you need to document.
18. Don't share your new location with anyone you can't fully trust.
19. Dump your cell phone and buy a new one.
20. Change up your typical routes and remove any easily identifying stickers on your vehicle.
21. Get a P.O. Box.
22. Make it clear to the school administration who can and cannot pick up your children.
23. Always ensure no one is following you. Stay public; do child exchanges if you must at McDonald's or the police station where cameras are present; never at your home.
24. Use a new pharmacy and dry cleaners. Change grocery stores.
25. Utilize the "block" feature on your cell phone; always hide your caller ID. Block the contacts you don't want contacting you; your spouse/ex, his or her friends and family etc.
26. Inform where you work of your situation. Park up front where your vehicle is visible to anyone tampering with it.
27. At your new location; have camera's installed. Lorex makes a good camera (you can purchase it at Best Buy) that enables you to screenshot any suspicious activity recorded. Again, get a security system.
28. Have a doorbell installed that includes video/recording; SkyBell (Target sells one as well).
29. Have your doors reinforced; wood doors can be kicked in; get steel doors with large slide locks.
30. Have photos of your spouse/ex and their vehicle/license plates and drivers license if needed for police.

© ~ 2016 

To help bring awareness and change to domestic violence click here

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