Friday, July 3, 2015

The Narc, Sexual Addiction & Their Kids: 5 Tips

“Sex Keyword On A Cork Board” by artur84 via

July 2015 

names have been omitted in this post


Hearing the air conditioning come on and smelling the scent of coconut hand cream hanging in the humid interior I pattered with bare feet into the kitchen. In it's dark shadows I reached for the handle on the fridge and yanked it open. Peering inside with the light that shone outward at me I surveyed with quick eyes what it contained… my eyes narrowed at it's contents… a bag of salad, a jar of salsa, a package of bacon. It was time to go grocery shopping, I thought to myself, making a mental note to do that the next day and plucked one of the last Yoplait yogurts from the glass shelf. Ripping the little top wrapper off I absentmindedly licked off the smudge of yogurt on it and then tossed it in the trash… grabbing a spoon from the utensil drawer I heard my mother call out from the next room.

"You up?" She called to me.

I made my way to the den and stood in the doorway with my late night snack.

"I can't cycle down. Big shock, I know." I told her dryly.

"I couldn't sleep either, so I got up to clip coupons. Exciting, huh?" She replied with a wry grin as she sat on the taupe couch. She cut out coupons by the light of the lamp beside her. I snorted in response and took a seat on the opposite end wearing knee length black leggings and an oversized faded t-shirt, tucking my legs under me. I'd recently gotten my hair cut into a long bob and now pulled it up into only what one could call the bam bam hairdo like on the Flintstones.

"So… how did it go today? Your conversation with her?" My mother asked me.

I twisted the hair elastic round my nimble fingers and spoke "It went alright… I feel good about the conversation. I believe it went well... I kept it very simple and emphasized that any and all questions are welcome." I told her. Earlier that day my daughter and I had watched a sermon online we had missed at church one recent Sunday… our pastor had tackled the issue of sex and the importance of it's confinement to only marriage based on God's word. In the sermon he briefly touched on the importance of faithfulness between a husband and wife and how easy it is for the sin of sex outside marriage to infiltrate our lives affecting us in physical and spiritual ways years down the road we never saw coming nor were prepared for. Afterward we'd had a discussion about what we had watched and then a birds and the bees talk. Her initial reaction was about what I had expected for most kids her age… "Ew" and "I'm never getting married."

But as we discussed the realities of what God desires for us in our relationships where intimacy is concerned it became clear to her that "infidelity" and "cheating" were not merely just going on dates behind your spouses back, that being unfaithful was not just kissing someone other than who you were married to but much much more… as she became more enlightened through our birds and the bees discussion it also became glaringly obvious just what exactly her father had been doing when he was unfaithful and even now as an unmarried man. Her expression grew from shock to disgust. There was no more keeping that stink in the bag… it was out and exposed in bright light.

I spoke as I dipped my spoon in the yogurt cup. "As a society were surrounded by sex, it's thrown in our faces constantly, were consistently advertised a barrage of sensuality and lust. Have you watched the Bachelorette? Did you see that guy Ben Z? Hello? Have you flipped through any magazines and noticed Scott Foley in the Charisma ads? There's certainly no lack of attractive men to put you in a hot and heavy state… but we are instructed to rebuke it and push past it. We are to cling to God's word and flee from sin. A few minutes of gratification? We pay for that a long time, for some a lifetime. We know that the devil tempts us through deceitful lies… like sex is no big deal, were already too far gone in our sin, this is just a little sin or grace is redefined as the green light to do anything we please because were already forgiven, right? If it's not what God wants for us we should respect that… that He made sex to be within the safety net of marriage… because He knows what is best for us and wants us to live a fruitful life not one of damage and regret… "

My mother nodded "True… I guess what makes me angriest is the fact he's making poor choices that are being paraded in front of his daughter." She told me referring to my ex and our daughter.

"Hey… go sin all you want behind closed doors… go sin your pants off… go act like an animal and get yer freak on… It's sadly no secret the devil has some people firmly in his grasp, that the power of evil is in full force in their lives… we may not agree with some folks choices but at the very least please don't do it around the kids!" I stressed. "That's my gripe. It's ridiculous that some people don't have the basic common sense to not parade their sex life outside of marriage around children. This isn't a soap opera he's living, it's our kid's childhood and I don't appreciate him screwing it up. If you can't control yourself any better than that or choose not to… then just don't have custody… hand her over and go live your life in a perpetual sex driven state… because he clearly can't be a spiritual compass… heck, forget the spiritual aspect for a second. At this point… it's just about basic empathy… someone who doesn't believe in Christ can have that…. why would you want to put your child through a childhood that isn't in their best interests? This is a basic." I pointed out. "If you're that deficit and can't see that you're selfish and need to change then you have no business having custody… at least until you get some help."


Sexual impurity and at worse sexual addiction (an unyielding desire to have sex) can seriously impact and affect a family, whether intact or divided by divorce. It's imperative that when our children are of an appropriate age we have open discussions based on their maturity level regarding sexual impurity. Ideally children would be shielded from an environment where the adults in their life are engaging in sexually immoral behavior and regardless must be assured that they are not to blame for the adults poor choices in their life.

Sex addiction is no more about sex than other addictive behaviors… gambling is not really about gambling or nail biting about nails… instead it's merely a symptom of a greater issue… typically anxiety, depression, impulse control issues, low esteem or shame. Narcissists and Sociopaths are known to have sex addictions. 

The effects on our children witnessing a sexually immoral relationship under the same roof they reside in are long lasting… children grow up believing that the behaviors they are surrounded by are normal; what is expected in their own relationships one day… leading to promiscuity, emotional soul ties and a life of sexual sin. 

Folks who engage in infidelity show signs of a sexual addiction as it interferes with their marriage and family…. and need intervention through counseling to stop. When someone chooses to take part in an extramarital affair they are putting their own overwhelming need for physical gratification ahead of their family's needs. Hence, the addict is willing to risk losing everything in their life to pursue their sexual satisfaction. Men (and women) who pressure their partners to have threesomes and take part in sexual acts that they aren't comfortable with ultimately don't care about the person they are married to… 

The truth is, you could be anyone and nothing you do or say can change the person you're with for the better.

© ~ 2015

If You're Married To Someone With A Sex Addiction:

1. You cannot change them. They have to want to change and then take the actions necessary.

2. You don't have to tolerate any behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable, unsafe or demeaned. You have every right to set boundaries and if those don't work to walk away. You have the right to a full std panel test.

3. You have the right to demand your spouse join a sex addiction support group or at least one on one counseling. You have the right to enter counseling on your own.

4. You have the right to come to the final determination that your marriage will not survive and choose divorce.

5. You have the right to look out for your own emotional, mental and physical health. You can begin your path of recovery and healing by putting yourself and your children first.


1 comment:

  1. Your posts are a snapshot of my life when I was married to my ex husband