A Father Impacts His Daughter's View Of God: 5 Tips For Dads

“Approve Reject Computer Keys” by Stuart Miles via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Fathers and Daughters

Fathers, do you have any idea the amount of power you play in your daughter's life?

Your power for the positive or negative is huge.

Daughters want to view their fathers as protectors, providers, leaders, 

competent, trustworthy and moral. 

DAUGHTERS SEEK APPROVAL 

AND ACCEPTANCE FROM THEIR DADS

It is imperative that fathers are setting the example that their daughters so desperately need in order to thrive in life… in all areas; emotionally and socially. A father is the first man a girl has in her life so it's incredibly important that she is able to connect well with him, to be capable of trusting him and see him as strong in good values and decision making. There is certainly no relationship more vital than the one that sets the foundation between father and daughter… as it sets the tone for her relationship with all other men in her life… future husband included if she marries.


Can she trust her father? 

Well, that depends… is he making choices that deem him trustworthy? If he's attending church regularly, if he's actively following Christ, if he's leading the family in prayer, if he's taking the time to connect with his children, if he's balancing work with down time, if he's not speeding, not drinking to excess, not lying, etc… if he's making morally sound decisions on a daily basis… she will come to find with time that yes, his actions match his words and he can be trusted. However, if he's practicing road rage, flying off the handle at his family, drinking, cheating, lying, working all the time, being emotionally, verbally and or physically abusive… he will show his daughter bit by bit that he cannot be trusted… that his words are meaningless… that when he speaks everyone might as well drown him out with deaf ears because anything he utters is a lie.

Eventually if he proves over time he is not capable of leadership, of morally sound actions, his daughter will pull away. She won't feel safe. She won't respect him. She will find herself feeling derision toward him each and every time he proves once again he's merely a sham.

******************

March 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

I set my keys and the warm pizza box on the kitchen counter along with an aluminum foil container.

"Grab a fork and an extra plate and I'll split this Fettuccine Alfredo with you, sweet pea." I told my daughter as I grabbed a stack of white napkins from the wicker basket atop the counter.

"Okay!' She said and scampered to the utensil drawer. I quickly began assembling everything we needed on the wood coffee table in the den including two glasses of water. She pulled up a couple ottomans and after we sat down I opened the pizza box.

"Oh, yum! I want pizza too!" She said and I swiftly set a large cheesy slice of pepperoni pizza on her plate beside her pasta.  "Thank you for dinner, Mommy." She said and added "And thank you for having them add chicken to the fettuccine. It's way yummier."

"Yeah, it is!" I replied with a grin "You're welcome. I love Joe's Pasta and Pizza." I smiled at her. It was the perfect cozy night at home with her, eating Italian to go and spending time together.

As we talked she said "So… guess what? Daddy… he told me that God is not my Daddy."

I stopped mid-chew and looked at her "What?"

"Yeah… I told Daddy that he's my dad and that God is too. But Daddy told me that God is not my dad, just he is." She told me.

Silence. I was getting pretty fed up with having to clean up the messes he continued to make.

A FATHER IMPACTS HOW A CHILD SEES GOD

“Family With Two Children” by Ambro 

via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

  A GODLY MAN IS HUMBLE AND KNOWS THAT ULTIMATELY GOD IS IN CHARGE. HE IS A LEADER IN THE HOME FOR CHRIST. HE IS BOTH SERVANT AND WARRIOR FOR GOOD ON EARTH.

Finally I spoke "That's not true. God is your Daddy… God is our Heavenly Father. If you're a believer you believe God is your dad and he sent his only son Jesus Christ to earth to die for our sins. God was Christ in the flesh. Daddy is your father but he's your earthly father."

She picked the chicken out of her fettuccine eating it first then starting on the pasta. "Oh… so he lied. Again. Why did he tell me that?" She pondered aloud. "I guess if he doesn't think God is my dad then he thinks he isn't his either." She spun fettuccine on her fork "If he doesn't believe God is our father then maybe he doesn't believe in God at all." She said. I watched the pasta swirl on her small fork and I sighed.

"I don't know." I replied then added "But I do know that you have every right to believe in God and what the bible tells you." I told her.

******************

In John 14:9-10 Jesus said, "Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work."

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

5 Thing's For Father's To Tell Their Daughters:

1. You are wonderfully and fearfully made (Psalm 139:14)
2. You are loved and accepted (Romans 15:7)
3. You are God's daughter (2 Corinthians 6:18)
4. Christ died for you (John 3:16) 
5. Forgiveness and grace are for you and others (2 Corinthians 12:9) 

RELATED POSTS: 

Husbands: Loving God's Daughter

Girl's & Life: Everyday We Have A Choice

How To Be A Good Father: 7 Tips

Is Your EX-Narc Happy Now?

“Young Woman Drinking Coffee At Mountain View” 

by Feelart via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Is your EX-Narcissist happy now?

Is he or she now blissfully delirious in their new relationship?

It may certainly seem that way.

But the cold hard truth is… no.


Oh, yes, it might appear that way from the outside looking in that he (or she) is living a life of cozy Starbucks moments, candlelight dinners, closeness and connection, laughs and thrills in the midst of excess on expensive vacations, shopping excursions and gifts. But if we look a little more closely we can see that happiness is actually far from reality for them.


The narcissist is prone to depression. The reason for their depression is much different than a healthy non-personality disordered individual. We tend to be susceptible to depression within a toxic marriage or in the aftermath of divorce due to trying to figure out what exactly we are/were dealing with in regards to the crazy behavior we've been enduring, possibly even years on end. We may be depressed trying to figure out how we are going to financially support ourselves post divorce if we've been stay at home mothers all or the majority of our marriage… I myself dealt with serious depression in the winter of 2013 trying to figure out how I was going to get on my feet financially. Many targets of narcissistic sociopaths have developed health conditions due to the stress of living with a narcissist or sociopath and now are trying to not only build a new life but manage their health… all of this can understandably be the source of depression however fleeting.


But the narcissist's depression? It's due to a lack of supply… narcissistic supply. When we abruptly leave a narc and inflict injury to their oh so delicate ego it not only angers them that they must now go out into the world and find someone new to latch onto to make themselves feel better, hence the quick need to date (if they haven't chosen to discard you yet) but it also irritates them that they lost a longterm reliable source of supply. They are resentful to the one who left, who "caused all this" in their twisted victimized mind, despite years of less than stellar behavior on their part toward their spouse. Hence, the punishment that soon comes. His (or her) pristine bubble of invincibility has been burst, as they believed no one could touch them, no one could get them, no one could crow "gotcha" by walking off and now the narc feels blindsided by their stark inferiority staring back at them.


The fact is… the new relationship is not any healthier than yours was. It may look wonderful from the outside, but it's all a facade. They are working in overdrive if the relationship is relatively new to keep their crazy under control… they are expending an unreal amount of energy to make everything look amazing on the outside… and attractive to their new supply. They are like a juggler keeping all the balls in the air. She, the new target (or he) will never be enough, she will always be beneath him, not his equal partner. He will feel a need to control her just as he did you. He will buy her and she won't know it until much like you with some time under her belt and a bad case of anxiety and walking on eggshells. No matter how valuable she appears to be to him, she like yourself is as dispensable to him as the next one will be. There will be a string of them from here out no matter how hard he tries to "keep it together"… because boredom will finally call and eventually he will lose interest.

*******************

March 2015

names have been omitted in this post

It was a sunny March afternoon… the temps were a bit warmer, thank goodness. My mother and I were headed westward down a main thoroughfare…  passing by businesses and museums, galleries and high end shops. As I drove, my mother suddenly pointed up ahead and exclaimed "Wait a minute… isn't that her?" She asked, referring to the woman my father was in a relationship with now.

I squinted and flipped my visor downward to help shield my eyes despite wearing sunglasses. With piercing eyes I spotted the taupe brown SUV just pulling away from a curb ahead. Gaining a little distance and recognizing the plates, I nodded. "Well, go figure. What do you know…" I murmured "Let's follow her and see where she goes." I said, my curiosity piqued... and with a flick of the blinker I switched lanes to tail her.

As we followed her and made our way further into the west side of town, a high end residential neighborhood… we spotted her vehicle pulling to a stop on the street in front of a nice upscale condo. Under dappled mature trees I eased my SUV to a slow stop in the block before hers, waiting. We watched from a distance as she exited the vehicle and stood on the driveway. Now we had a clear view of her for the first time. As we sat in the confines of the SUV there was a sudden white blur that went by us, barely missing grazing my left side as it sped full tilt past us down the street, headed straight for her. Sitting up a little straighter, my mouth fell open in shock…

"What the…" I trailed off,

 eyeing the white vehicle 

practically go airborne, 
like something out of 

Dukes of Hazard. 

"Wait a minute, is that…" I said, with sudden recognition of the vehicle and realizing it was my father. With lightning speed he squealed up to her condo and pulled into the front driveway. Out he leapt and with an angry stance, with arms waving wildly and a pointing of fingers we could make out heated verbiage being emitted on his part. Meanwhile she appeared to be attempting to assuage him, to calm him down. 

"Oh my…" My mother breathed from the passenger seat beside me as my mouth gaped open. She was thinking the same thing I was… the out of control behavior we had witnessed for years, that she had endured well over thirty years in their marriage, that I had dealt with for an entire childhood along with my siblings had spilled over into his new relationship. It appeared that the angry unbridled outbursts were present just as much now as they always had been and now this woman was on the receiving end of dealing with them. We watched as the woman got in the passenger seat of the SUV and allowed him to now get behind the wheel and drive away with her inside.

After they departed I slowly eased up in front of the condo, taking note of the address.

As we sat there she spoke "Sometimes things aren't always as they seem. I think we need this woman checked out if she's been around your kids." She said. I nodded as I scrolled on my iPhone "I'm already on it…" I replied and added, "I'll put in a call to a private investigator."

"Evidently the relationship is not as blissful as one would think." My mother remarked.

"It never is." I replied as I drove off and headed toward home.

*******************

When the narc's mask begins to slip, when the unedited version of their sick self begins to rear it's ugly head, when their fits outweigh the calm, when the target begins feeling less loved and viewed with contempt… when they can put their finger on the fact something isn't right… when the narc becomes bored, when they no longer feel challenged, when their affairs and lies are found out by the new one their with…

The fantasy of that wonderful new supply will fall apart, will begin to descend like a demolished building, like quicksand everything will disappear… and then the cycle must start all over again… the narc must find someone new. It's so incredibly personal what they do to their targets, yet they will do it with each and every one they are with… never ever satisfied. Yet you, on the other hand… get to have a new beginning, a real beginning, you get to heal, to go on in life with more knowledge than you had, with wisdom, with clarity, with empathy not just for yourself and what you've endured but for others as well.

You, my friend… are not dependent like him on supply to be happy. Yes, it will be a hard road, yes it will have struggle, yes, you might become depressed, yes you might have to cut corners here or there, yes you may have to rely on some wonderful people or maybe you realize all you have is God… yet He is enough. One day you will wake up to your cheek resting on a soft pillow, stretch with upward arms, feel refreshed, and with a skip in your step you will head to the kitchen to make your breakfast… and as you listen to the robins singing their morning salute to you, as your coffee percolates, as you reach for your favorite well loved mug and pitter patter with bare feet to the window to look at the sun shining happiness into your space… you will smile and say to yourself:

"It's a new day. And I'm truly happy." 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015


What are the signs of true happiness? Click here to read all 10 via Reader's Digest 

RELATED POSTS:

Confronting The "Other Woman"

6 Tips To Happy

Healing Post Divorce & Beginning Again

Talking To Your Child Regarding Their Parent's Poor Choices: 5 Tips

“Help Sign” by nongpimmy via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

March 20th, 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

***************

It was a late Friday afternoon… I'd just picked up my daughter from school and as we made our way through sheets of March rain, the windshield wipers swiped back and forth, the sound of water rushing on either side of the SUV's tires. Water was quickly beginning to flood the streets and yet I pressed forward with caution trying to avoid the worst spots that were pooling in the right lane we were in.


From the backseat my daughter was in the midst of telling me about her week spent at her dad's house with her brother. As she spoke I felt dread rising up in me. These conversations were of situations I never thought for a second my children would be experiencing one day when I decided to have a family.


"… Mommy, this woman that Daddy picked up from the airport, she stayed at our house. She's from London, so she had an accent. And she slept in Daddy's bed!"


"Uh, huh…" I murmured, sick of hearing how once again he was setting a simply stellar example for our two children. I sighed, sitting at the red light waiting for it to change so we could continue.


The radio played softly…

… Yeah I want to feel the sunshine
Shining down on me and you
When you put your arms around me
You let me know there's nothing in this world I can't do

I used to run in circles going nowhere fast
I'd take one step forward and took two steps back
I couldn't walk a straight line even if I wanted to
I want to love somebody, love somebody like you

Oh here we go now, ooo, yeah,
Hey I want to love ya baby,
Oh oh, oh oh ...

Read more: Keith Urban - Somebody Like You Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

I WANT TO STAND IN THE SUN, 

I thought to myself… 

"But you won't believe this!" She continued, "He tells me she has a three year old daughter. So I was like "Well, then where is her daughter if she's here? I mean, who is watching her kid?" And he tells me "I guess her husband." "

"SHE'S MARRIED???!!!"

I nearly shriek, 

my hands griping the wheel. 

Green light

 I hit the gas and I glance 

in the rearview mirror. 

She nods at me with affirmation.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON BUT HE'S LOST HIS MIND!!!! I thought to myself… This is NOT moral behavior! This is NOT acceptable! His behavior is out of control! THIS IS JUST RIDICULOUS!!!! It was like the whole world had gone mad, like I had hopped down the rabbit hole and I was Alice wondering what everyone else had had to drink. 

Pulling over to the bank parking lot I slip into a spot and sit.
I was suddenly too tired to go in and make my deposit.

The wipers go back and forth, rain continuing to come down hard. Dressed in gray skinny jeans, boots, jean jacket, and a now wrinkled white shirt that I'd turned back the sleeves on, I rest my forearms on the taupe leather steering wheel, leaning in and put my head down and weep. I cannot believe this is my children's childhood. All this mess. All this nonsense. Would it ever stop? He had zero control… no, strike that… he CHOSE to have zero control over his physical urges. Tears slipped out and silence engulfed us as I wept. It was bad enough he had cheated, it was bad enough he'd continued to parade his sex life around our children during and post divorce with women who were single… but now this? A married woman? It seemed there was nothing off limits. It was bad enough that he chose this path on his own time, at his own discretion, but in front of our children? That was what upset me. It was sickening for any parent, man or woman to have to witness the effects of these actions on their child time and time again… thinking that this is moral behavior for an adult in their life. 

Hurt for my children struck my heart and as Keith Urban sung his country melody, his voiced wafting through the vehicle, I just wanted someone to hold me. Two strong arms to melt into and someone to say "I'm here." I wanted a person to not attempt to fix something they couldn't, but just say:

"This sucks. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." 

Maybe that's what I needed to tell my daughter. So I began telling her what I myself needed to hear. That yes, baby, this sucks but we are trying to get through it the best we can and you know what? I am here, I'm not going anywhere. And that God was too. I thought to myself, This is all so out of control… I don't even KNOW what to pray for anymore! God, I just pray for whatever you see fit! Just whatever this needs please intervene! 

Sometimes our prayers in the pit of despair are comparable to throwing up our arms and simply asking for whatever intervention is needed. God always knows what is needed, what can be seen through the fogginess of a circumstance because He is all knowing... nothing is too big for Him to handle, for He can create change, He can turn tables, He can calm troubled waters in an instant, He can do anything at all... we just need faith no matter how small. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

When your burdens seem big as mountains and you find yourself wondering what on earth to pray for, take heart in knowing you are not alone… the truth is God already knows when we need comfort and interceding. Romans 8:26-27 promises us that we will helped when we are filled with weakness and despair, when we don't even know where to begin in our prayers. All we need to do when we are at a loss of words is ask that God hear our groans, our unspoken cries. 

Romans 8:26

New International Version (NIV)

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

5 Tips In Talking To Your Child

About Their Parent's Poor Behavior: 

1. Be honest with them. If a child asks about a parents behavior, whatever it may be, don't lie. It sets a terrible example and only serves to set enabler-type behavior by covering for the other parent. Explain simply the amount of information that is age appropriate and that is acceptable to share. 

2. Acknowledge the fact that the behavior is negatively affecting everyone and that the child has every right to be angry, sad, disappointed about it. Remind your child that they always have you to talk to about it when needed and they are NOT alone. 

3. Encourage your child that they can pray for the person but that it's also important that they practice self care; they can journal when/if they are struggling. 

4. Remind your child that yes, all families have problems, that there is no perfect family. However, also stress the severity of how the parent's behavior does impact all family members. 

5. Affirm to the child that the parent's behavior is NOT their fault. They didn't cause it nor is it their job to take on the responsibility of the parent getting their act together. 

Expectations In Our Relationships: 4 Tips

“Woman Mad At Her Husband Against A White A Background” 

by David Castillo Dominici via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Expectations

Are they the root of heartache in a relationship?

Likely.


We all go into relationships with some minimum expectations, very basic needs that we expect to be met because who wouldn't? One of those is respect obviously. Others are love, support and affection.

But sometimes things begin to go awry in our relationships and then we wonder what on earth happened... why there appears to be anger, upset, hurt, maybe resentment, simmering emotions and tension… it's so incredibly important for us to take note of what our expectations are and then on a continual basis assess and then reassess to make sure we are not expecting more than what we should from our partner.


1. Are We Being Realistic or Unrealistic?

Sometimes we may make the mistake of expecting our partner to be a mind reader or we become so comfortable with our partner that we begin to make assumptions and believe we already know what they are thinking about a situation; that we can safely assume that we already know their every thought and intention… then when they don't follow our "ideal" unrealistic script according to the plan we've devised in our head we are met with pushback from them… and then we feel great frustration. Even as a couple each person is an individual, something we must remember.

It's important to keep in mind
 that we are with an individual, 
not a carbon copy of our feelings, 
thoughts, perspective and dreams.

2. Are You Independent or Dependent? 

When we expect too much of someone, when we expect them to fulfill us, when we expect more nurturing, love and attention than the other person is able to give… that leaves us feeling empty, unfulfilled and unsatisfied. This is a sign of unhealthy dependence. (Obviously there is the other extreme; someone who is not invested in the relationship at all) But it is possible to reassess the dynamic of our relationships and see where we are too dependent, too needy, too people pleasing and with objectivity make the necessary changes. We can each make every effort to not expect our partner to be our everything. They simply cannot fulfill our every need, it's not realistic and it puts far too much pressure on the other person making them want to flee. If we are feeling unloved in our relationship it may be necessary to ascertain how our relationship with Christ is… is that empty feeling a sign something is lacking spiritually? Or is it that we truly need to connect closer in our relationship with our spouse? It's important to differentiate between the two.

It's crucial to keep doing our own thing whether it's the start of a relationship or years later, cling to our autonomy and not become dependent upon another… realize that the other person is to enhance your life, not be your everything. We are each our own person, we are complete through Christ not another individual. 

3. Expecting Instant Versus Slow & Steady...

Expecting too much too soon in our relationships can bring disastrous results and even the demise of an otherwise good relationship, one that may have had great potential but crashed and burned maybe because one person wanted more and super quick(!) before the other person was ready. (Relationships should become closer over a period of time, not instantaneously) Communicating in a loving manner without criticism but through dialogue conveying understanding of ones need to take things slow to the other person can help put the brakes on, salvaging what you have before everyone just throws up their hands and walks off from something that could have been amazing… with just more time and patience.

Relationships are like pudding… 

the instant with a whisk is okay 
but perhaps so much more satisfying 

is the mix on the stove top… 

great connections take time and effort 

but are totally worth it.  

4. It's About Them Not You…

As the relationship progresses our emotional connection will deepen as well… much of what we pledge and profess in our relationships is in regards to what we will do for the one we love. Our actions should then reflect our love for them. Our relationship shouldn't be based on "What am I gonna get?" Instead it should be "I love this person… I care for him (or her) and want to be there for him, I want to listen, to support, to show affection and my care for him." It's when partners begin to cross into self-serving waters, to reflect on what they aren't getting instead of continually acknowledging and appreciating the blessings they have right before them all the while continually making deposits, reflecting on what they could do for their partner; doing the little things to make them smile, to touch their heart… when we each focus on what we could do for one another both partners shine and so does their love.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

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A Wife's Expectations Of Her Husband: Honey Vs Vinegar 

Couple Spat On Aisle 5 ~ 3 Tips 

Marriage: Happiness, Expectations & "The One"

7 Tips For Releasing Blame Post Divorce: Self Imposed & Toward Your Ex

In 2014 a thirty nine year old Texas man was punched out for bravely standing up to a group of men who were cat-calling women from their vehicle. Upon him telling the men something to the effect of "hey, watch what you're saying…" one leaped from the vehicle and punched him in the face sending him to the concrete where he lay unconscious, awaiting medical help. This isn't the first time that men behaving badly toward women has ended in violence nor sadly likely the last.

This past Saturday after a gloriously fun day of sunshine, floats, Irish music, snow cones, barbecue and southern potato salad, my daughter and I left the St. Patricks Day parade we had attended and pulled into a gas station en-route home. As I exited the gas station a man entering spoke to me "Hey, what's up baby doll! How you doin?" Disgust rose within me and I instinctively wanted to respond, to lash out, as I thought to myself… Hey, Neanderthal, how would you like my knee to meet up with your testicles? But, no, I bit my Irish tongue. I ignored the comment and continued on, him emitting a low guttural sound of indignant ego-centric injury; bewildered I wasn't enthralled with what he believed to be a splendid choice of words. As women we may be blamed for these scenarios. Some may ask "Well, what were you wearing?" or think "Well, you're too sensitive, it could be viewed as a compliment, maybe you need to lighten up."

But the truth is… none of those responses apply, as women shouldn't be made to feel as though they are the ones with the issue.

It's really no different in the aftermath of a breakup. Some may tend to shift blame to the wrong person.

A couple weeks ago I met a friend for lunch and after her sharing the updates of her life I shared the good news I had a new job, that I enjoyed my work, liked my boss and found my co-workers delightful to work with. I explained that post divorce I had at times been beating myself up for the fact I hadn't had a career during my marriage. I had worked part time here or there but for the most part as a whole I had primarily been a stay at home mom. After marrying and starting a family I had wanted to be at home with my children, especially when they were young at least… I had wanted to give them that stability and enjoy their childhood. But then post divorce I found myself occasionally thinking if only I had worked, if only I had done this, if only I had done that… I'd be further ahead, I'd be financially set, I wouldn't be focused so much on bills, savings and retirement.

But as I did that… I realized it was fine to acknowledge I could have done things differently and even to say I wouldn't make the same choices in the future, but not in taking on more blame where I shouldn't.

In a self-imposed blame game we may attempt to act as the aid, the salve, the repairman, or woman, to an ex's poor behavior. Maybe we find ourselves thinking: "Well, if I'd done x, y, z, I wouldn't be in such a mess… if I'd done THIS or THAT it would have offset his or her screw up aka infidelity." But we cannot make someone behave. We are then subscribing to the false idea we can control someone else's actions.

Like those guys who were cat-calling and the guy at the gas station sometimes people truly are to blame for poor behavior and less than swell circumstances. Yet they may or may not take responsibility for their poor choices. In hindsight we can all take responsibility for where we could have done better whether it be in our marriages, friendships, even our parenting. The problems begin when blame starts getting shifted to others, when people won't own up to their part in a situation. Or alternatively issues start when we begin blaming ourselves for something instead of having a balanced and healthy view of it or merely our hand in it amongst others contribution.

No matter what your marriage was like; no matter how amicable or even "War of the Roses-like" your divorce was… there are lessons to be taken from it. One of those lessons is learning to give yourself grace. Not an excuse for bad behavior but yes, please don't beat yourself up with all the coulda woulda shoulda's post relationship. It may be tempting to go there but at the end of the day give yourself sweet, sweet grace.

It's never wise nor healthy to take on the role of the victim in our failed relationships. It deems us powerless in our past where we had choices but either refused to make them or simply naively believed, hoped, that a grossly dysfunctional situation would get better. Both men and women are capable of being married to narcissistic, sociopathic people… those who marry them are without a doubt targets… but we don't have to sign the dotted line as a victim nor a target for infinity. We each have the ability to move on, to take responsibility for our portion and then rebuild our life to reflect that blessed insight.

Taking responsibility post divorce for what areas we could have done better in, even what we would do differently if in a new relationship, takes clarity, maturity and wisdom. In life we can learn from our past and forge forward with more information to make better choices in the next chapter(s) to come. In taking responsibility we need to be cautious in how much we are assuming… are we accepting the whole pie as ours when it burned up? Or are we accepting responsibility for a quarter of it? Or half? What was your role in it burning to a crisp? Do you even have one? Don't accept the entire pie as yours if portions of it truly belong on someone else's plate.

If you grew up as the black sheep, the scapegoat in a family where a narcissist was the head of the flock and always found fault with you… then you may have grown up in a pattern of being told you were the sole cause for x,y,z to happen… even if that wasn't reality. It's never too late to say "No" to that unhealthy pattern, even years later and reclaim your life… you don't have to accept blame and gross responsibility from others where it doesn't apply… instead you can subscribe to a new outlook, one of clear, concise objectivity… 

And like the pie just accept the slice(s) that belong to you.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

7 Steps To Release Blame:

1. Acknowledge your anger
2. Talk about why you're angry; with either a trusted therapist, friend or pastor
3. Use your anger in a healthy way; start a new project, hobby, career, workout routine/class, volunteer, write/journal, find ways to channel that anger into something positive and life changing.
4. Acknowledge any fears you may have; are you afraid you will never find someone and live a life all alone? Are you clinging to blame out of the fear of failing financially? Maybe a general fear of the unknown future?
5. Can you make a list of what you did right in your relationship? What things could you have done differently?
6. Acknowledge any improvements in your new life; there have to be some no matter how small. Celebrate those and think of how to add more.
7. Focus on each of your daily choices because you are in the drivers seat; are you reaching for the Ben n Jerry's when a run might be more beneficial? Is isolation really better than meeting up with friends? Being aware of our daily actions can dictate if we spring back from a divorce or stay stuck in the pain of the past.

RELATED POSTS: 

For Men & Women: 10 Lessons From Divorce

Husbands & Wives: You Have 2 Jobs

Dear Friend: A Letter of Love To You

What Does A Sociopath Fear? 2 Things

“Shocked Executive” by imagery majestic

via FreeDigitialPhotos.net 

The Sociopath. 

Have you ever witnessed someone speeding by everyone else in traffic, cutting others off and switching lanes for no apparent reason, their zig zagging back and forth maybe eliciting a mental observation on your part of "They are driving like a psycho"...

We may think to ourselves... what sane and morally responsible person would drive that way and put everyone else at risk much less themselves? Apparently more people than we may think. 

There isn't much difference when it comes to sociopaths… that "psycho" behind the wheel of the vehicle going too fast at everyone's possible detriment is likely a sociopath. They don't typically subscribe to fear, to Oh, no!… to the worry of what if? 

FEAR is not in their vocabulary

If my ex said once during our marriage he said it a million times… and that phrase was "It's fine!" or it's equally annoying cousin of "You're fine!" You could be on your death bed and he'd tell you "You're fine!"… you could have just hit your head and suffered a concussion and he'd irritatedly exclaim "It's fine!"… if our daughter shares with him a girl is being rude to her at school his comeback is "You're fine!" or "Ohhh, you must be mistaken. It's fine!" Long story short it was multiple times a day one or both of these phrases were uttered by him on a daily basis during our marriage… often making me think to myself…  "If you say that ONE more flippin time…" 

Recently my daughter told me... "We went to get burgers for dinner and Daddy rode some man's butt the whole way home. Finally the man stops and gets out of the car and stands in front of ours and says "Get off my a**! I was scared, Mommy. " She told me. I sat there horrified first by the fact she had uttered the word a** but even more so by this newest piece of information and spoke…

"You had every right to be scared, sweet pea, especially when you're riding in the car and expecting the person who is driving to be safe. That's a normal reaction. Did you tell Daddy that you were scared?" I asked her.

"Uh, huh…" She nodded.

"Yeah? Well, that's good. What did he say?" I asked.

"He said he wasn't scared. That it was fine." She replied.

It took the inner strength comparable to Hercules to not roll my eyes.

"He said he wasn't scared?" I confirmed pointedly, "It would be perfectly normal to be scared in that situation." I told her… "We don't know what the man's intentions were, we don't know if he was armed or not." I pointed out.

"Daddy said he wasn't scared and then we told him we were scared" She replied, referring to herself and her brother...  "but Daddy said he wasn't. He acted like it was silly we were scared. And that man followed us the rest of the way home." She told me, her eyes big and wide.

Sigh. Great, that's just great, I thought.

******************

Sociopaths don't appear to be affected by much of anything in life. Emotionally heavy words and actions don't usually elicit the type of reaction from sociopaths that others have. If you spoke about rape, a horrific loss, any subject of significance and or loaded emotion it likely would bring little to no reaction from a sociopath… not any different than discussing the weather or your favorite lamp there is not a topic that would change a sociopath's indifference… despite most emotionally charged subjects likely stirring a visceral reaction from anyone else.

Sociopaths don't fear like emotionally healthy people do. 

{They also lack impulse control… 

they lie to your face about absolutely anything, 

they lack empathy, are egocentric, 

superficial, manipulative, even parasitic.} 

So what do they fear? Well, technically two things… one, they fear losing control of whomever they are controlling. Two, they fear being exposed for the deplorable person they are. A sociopath works very hard to come across as the most relaxed, carefree person on earth… but inside they are the complete and utter opposite. They are the pretenders, the great actors and actresses. What makes this calm and breezy facade begin to crumble is when they realize they are losing control… that's when their true character is revealed. Once you realize what you're dealing with, once you've made the decision to leave a sociopath, or you're at the very least not staying attuned to their every desire and instead letting them know you've had it with their less than stellar treatment of you… that second fear is activated; Fear of being exposed. They accurately suspect the first thing you're going to do upon leaving them is tell those closet to you what he or she is really like. So the first thing they must do is begin a smear campaign of damage control… they begin telling lies about you to offset any and all truths you are sharing. They shake their head, click their tongue and say "You know, it's so sad… she's really been struggling for a long time, she's such an angry person, she just can't get past this"… to cast doubts about you. Or "He's had a tough time, you know he has had a few breakdowns, he drinks, he has an anger problem, etc…" They do all they can to paint you as unstable, as vindictive, as angry and retaliative toward them… whatever is most believable is what they will use to get the heat off them.

Sociopaths make others believe that you are doing to them what in reality they are doing to you.

We may all to some extent want to subscribe to the idea of saying no to fear. But that may be in regards to "being fearless in following your dreams"… or "being fearless in conquering your goals like weight loss, fitness, your past, any life hurdles you've endured, etc." But wiping out all fear completely? Most of us just can't wrap our heads around that concept… we may fear the Lord with an awe-ness of respect, reverence and love, an understanding that He hates sin and fearing His judgment… we may certainly and understandably fear negative consequences to certain actions so we choose not to take them, but not the sociopath. The sociopath doesn't fear consequences, as they see life as a perpetual game of dominance… always believing they are above any consequences unlike the rest of us.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

Related Posts:

The Narcissistic Sociopath: They Are Only Trying To Help You

Divorcing The Sociopath: 3 Tips

Projection & Signs Of A Cheating Spouse

Recovery From PTSD After Narcissistic Sociopathic Abuse: 13 Signs

“The Desperate Anxiety” by Naypong via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

names have been omitted in this post 

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After I filed for divorce in October 2012 nightmares were kickstarted. They continued through my divorce and even post finalization. Nightmares are nothing new to me. They first started after returning from leaving home and living with gang members at seventeen however fleeting. Back then my startle response was heightened, I couldn't relax and at any given moment I was ready to go into fight or flight like a ninja. Then in 2008 after my sister was killed unexpectedly by a drunk driver new nightmares ensued. Those were the worst, like something from a horror film leaving me waking up gasping in a twisted sweat. But the nightmares that came next on the heels of my divorce were by far the most bizarre; like something out of the movie Inception with buildings that shifted and moved, I was transported back into my old house trying to escape my ex as the three stories were in perpetual motion and I couldn't seem to find my way out…

I never thought for a minute someone could have post traumatic stress disorder, 

PTSD for short from a less than emotionally healthy marriage…

Years ago I wasn't aware that someone could have PTSD from a rape, from a toxic marriage or from enduring the loss of a loved one in a horrific wreck. I had always thought that PTSD was only possible from being in a war… as is often spoken about war veterans. But there is a far and wide spectrum of the severity of PTSD and the source of it's cause.


PTSD is when our minds have not fully processed what we've experienced… our systems are confused and cannot seem to differentiate real threats from false ones; our circuitry has become muddied and we feel frightened, even threatened when there is no longer danger present. Each of us reacts differently to trauma so we are wholly unique in our responses to it. The help and support system we receive (or lack thereof) may also contribute to if or how someone develops PTSD. Individuals who have been physically assaulted, kidnapped, witnessed a traumatic event, have been raped or have been targets of domestic abuse are candidates for PTSD… both men and women being affected.

PTSD is NOT a sign of weakness
You are not weird, 
not unstable, 
not an embarrassment, 
and not a freak. 
There is no stigma 
with having 
PTSD. 

There are therapies to help and reaching out to your family physician or a trusted therapist in the divorce process is wise… I tried EMDR after my sister's passing and didn't find it helpful (maybe because I thought it was more bizarre than my dreams themselves) but that's not to say it hasn't helped others and it's not at least worth a try. Yoga, meditation and general exercise may help as well as a general pursuit of staying mindful and even journaling.

About 3.6% of adult Americans -- about 5.2 million people -- suffer from PTSD during the course of a year, and an estimated 7.8 million Americans will experience PTSD at some point in their lives. - via webmd

Typically if you experience symptoms for more than one month it's a sign you may have PTSD… a doctor can review all your symptoms to determine the best course of help for you. Anti-depressants may be used combined with talk therapy to help you find healing. It was on the heels of my being diagnosed with ADHD I mentioned my nightmares following my sister's death to a psychiatrist and after listening for some time he nodded and said I definitely showed signs of extreme anxiety from it, him offering to prescribe me Lithium. After researching Lithium I decided it wasn't for me. (He said one alternative was a daily dose of crazy water ) I decided it was time to up my exercise routine and find better natural ways to cope as I was already committed to taking ADHD medication and wasn't willing to add another med. With time, therapy, breathing exercises and relaxation cd's my symptoms have greatly improved where nightmares are concerned… I still find myself wound up tight but I am hopeful for continued improvements as I address that. It's a process. Each person is individual in what works best for them, their recovery process and whether they choose to take medication for it.

PTSD is a type of anxiety disorder 

“3d Image Ptsd - Post traumatic Stress Disorder Issues Concept Wor” 

by David Castillo Dominici via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

During the course of my divorce anytime I had to interact with my soon-to-be-ex I was left visibly shaking, trembling… even talking to him on the phone left me rattled. I couldn't figure out why I was having this reaction, as I hadn't had it previously with him. But my thoughts did keep returning to the early October morning that I discovered he was cheating (you can read that post here if you haven't) and that memory alone was enough to set off my trembling. I finally explained to my mother what was going on and she nodded…

"I was fearful of what would happen if he walked in and found you that morning. I kept watching the clock knowing you were searching for clues he was cheating and was worried if you were okay. I stayed by the phone waiting to hear from you."

"I remember feeling so panicked that morning. I had so much adrenaline going through me. Here I was basically trapped up on the third floor in the bedroom if he came home before I finished and I knew I had to hurry because honestly… I didn't trust him to not do something when he came home, my instincts told me I wasn't safe." I paused then added with reflection…  "If you think for a minute someone in that position is going to risk losing everything… what a perfect situation to just make it look like I'd just had an accident and fell… he had already been telling you and dad he was "concerned for me", painting me like I was unstable… he was setting the scene for something... call it silly but I've watched enough psycho's on Dateline to see the horrible things that can happen when desperate people feel threatened and want to replace you with someone new." I told her.


Hence the trembling.

I literally felt like I got out by the seat of my pants from that marriage.


Below are the signs of PTSD: someone may experience all or just a few  

1. Feeling emotionally numb; difficulty finding any real joy.
2. Lack of or fuzzy memory
3. Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
4. Always being on guard; fight or flight
5. Being on edge; aggression, feeling irritated
6. Difficulty sleeping
7. Easily startled
8. Recurring and distressing memories from the relationship or event
9. Reliving the experience; triggers/ flashbacks
10. Nightmares about the experience
11. Trembling, panic attacks
12. Depression

13. A need for solitude


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

If you or a loved one is experiencing PTSD you can gradually get better, help is out there and there is no reason to feel alone… others are experiencing it as well and there is hope.

Resources: 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) 
Trusted Pastor or church member 
Family Physician or therapist 
National Institute Of Mental Health

National Domestic Violence Hotline

800-799-SAFE

Related Posts:

Toxic Ties: The Soul Ties That Bind Us To Another 
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/07/toxic-ties-soul-ties-that-bind-us-to.html

When A Sociopath Meets A Nice Person 
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/07/when-sociopath-meets-nice-person.html

The 3 Stages The Sociopath Puts You Through
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-3-stages-sociopath-puts-you-through.html