“Shocked Executive” by imagery majestic
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The Sociopath.
Have you ever witnessed someone speeding by everyone else in traffic, cutting others off and switching lanes for no apparent reason, their zig zagging back and forth maybe eliciting a mental observation on your part of "They are driving like a psycho"...
We may think to ourselves... what sane and morally responsible person would drive that way and put everyone else at risk much less themselves? Apparently more people than we may think.
There isn't much difference when it comes to sociopaths… that "psycho" behind the wheel of the vehicle going too fast at everyone's possible detriment is likely a sociopath. They don't typically subscribe to fear, to Oh, no!… to the worry of what if?
FEAR is not in their vocabulary
If my ex said once during our marriage he said it a million times… and that phrase was "It's fine!" or it's equally annoying cousin of "You're fine!" You could be on your death bed and he'd tell you "You're fine!"… you could have just hit your head and suffered a concussion and he'd irritatedly exclaim "It's fine!"… if our daughter shares with him a girl is being rude to her at school his comeback is "You're fine!" or "Ohhh, you must be mistaken. It's fine!" Long story short it was multiple times a day one or both of these phrases were uttered by him on a daily basis during our marriage… often making me think to myself… "If you say that ONE more flippin time…"
Recently my daughter told me... "We went to get burgers for dinner and Daddy rode some man's butt the whole way home. Finally the man stops and gets out of the car and stands in front of ours and says "Get off my a**! I was scared, Mommy. " She told me. I sat there horrified first by the fact she had uttered the word a** but even more so by this newest piece of information and spoke…
"You had every right to be scared, sweet pea, especially when you're riding in the car and expecting the person who is driving to be safe. That's a normal reaction. Did you tell Daddy that you were scared?" I asked her.
"Uh, huh…" She nodded.
"Yeah? Well, that's good. What did he say?" I asked.
"He said he wasn't scared. That it was fine." She replied.
It took the inner strength comparable to Hercules to not roll my eyes.
"You had every right to be scared, sweet pea, especially when you're riding in the car and expecting the person who is driving to be safe. That's a normal reaction. Did you tell Daddy that you were scared?" I asked her.
"Uh, huh…" She nodded.
"Yeah? Well, that's good. What did he say?" I asked.
"He said he wasn't scared. That it was fine." She replied.
It took the inner strength comparable to Hercules to not roll my eyes.
"He said he wasn't scared?" I confirmed pointedly, "It would be perfectly normal to be scared in that situation." I told her… "We don't know what the man's intentions were, we don't know if he was armed or not." I pointed out.
"Daddy said he wasn't scared and then we told him we were scared" She replied, referring to herself and her brother... "but Daddy said he wasn't. He acted like it was silly we were scared. And that man followed us the rest of the way home." She told me, her eyes big and wide.
Sigh. Great, that's just great, I thought.
Sociopaths don't appear to be affected by much of anything in life. Emotionally heavy words and actions don't usually elicit the type of reaction from sociopaths that others have. If you spoke about rape, a horrific loss, any subject of significance and or loaded emotion it likely would bring little to no reaction from a sociopath… not any different than discussing the weather or your favorite lamp there is not a topic that would change a sociopath's indifference… despite most emotionally charged subjects likely stirring a visceral reaction from anyone else.
So what do they fear? Well, technically two things… one, they fear losing control of whomever they are controlling. Two, they fear being exposed for the deplorable person they are. A sociopath works very hard to come across as the most relaxed, carefree person on earth… but inside they are the complete and utter opposite. They are the pretenders, the great actors and actresses. What makes this calm and breezy facade begin to crumble is when they realize they are losing control… that's when their true character is revealed. Once you realize what you're dealing with, once you've made the decision to leave a sociopath, or you're at the very least not staying attuned to their every desire and instead letting them know you've had it with their less than stellar treatment of you… that second fear is activated; Fear of being exposed. They accurately suspect the first thing you're going to do upon leaving them is tell those closet to you what he or she is really like. So the first thing they must do is begin a smear campaign of damage control… they begin telling lies about you to offset any and all truths you are sharing. They shake their head, click their tongue and say "You know, it's so sad… she's really been struggling for a long time, she's such an angry person, she just can't get past this"… to cast doubts about you. Or "He's had a tough time, you know he has had a few breakdowns, he drinks, he has an anger problem, etc…" They do all they can to paint you as unstable, as vindictive, as angry and retaliative toward them… whatever is most believable is what they will use to get the heat off them.
We may all to some extent want to subscribe to the idea of saying no to fear. But that may be in regards to "being fearless in following your dreams"… or "being fearless in conquering your goals like weight loss, fitness, your past, any life hurdles you've endured, etc." But wiping out all fear completely? Most of us just can't wrap our heads around that concept… we may fear the Lord with an awe-ness of respect, reverence and love, an understanding that He hates sin and fearing His judgment… we may certainly and understandably fear negative consequences to certain actions so we choose not to take them, but not the sociopath. The sociopath doesn't fear consequences, as they see life as a perpetual game of dominance… always believing they are above any consequences unlike the rest of us.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
"Daddy said he wasn't scared and then we told him we were scared" She replied, referring to herself and her brother... "but Daddy said he wasn't. He acted like it was silly we were scared. And that man followed us the rest of the way home." She told me, her eyes big and wide.
Sigh. Great, that's just great, I thought.
******************
Sociopaths don't appear to be affected by much of anything in life. Emotionally heavy words and actions don't usually elicit the type of reaction from sociopaths that others have. If you spoke about rape, a horrific loss, any subject of significance and or loaded emotion it likely would bring little to no reaction from a sociopath… not any different than discussing the weather or your favorite lamp there is not a topic that would change a sociopath's indifference… despite most emotionally charged subjects likely stirring a visceral reaction from anyone else.
Sociopaths don't fear like emotionally healthy people do.
{They also lack impulse control…
they lie to your face about absolutely anything,
they lack empathy, are egocentric,
superficial, manipulative, even parasitic.}
So what do they fear? Well, technically two things… one, they fear losing control of whomever they are controlling. Two, they fear being exposed for the deplorable person they are. A sociopath works very hard to come across as the most relaxed, carefree person on earth… but inside they are the complete and utter opposite. They are the pretenders, the great actors and actresses. What makes this calm and breezy facade begin to crumble is when they realize they are losing control… that's when their true character is revealed. Once you realize what you're dealing with, once you've made the decision to leave a sociopath, or you're at the very least not staying attuned to their every desire and instead letting them know you've had it with their less than stellar treatment of you… that second fear is activated; Fear of being exposed. They accurately suspect the first thing you're going to do upon leaving them is tell those closet to you what he or she is really like. So the first thing they must do is begin a smear campaign of damage control… they begin telling lies about you to offset any and all truths you are sharing. They shake their head, click their tongue and say "You know, it's so sad… she's really been struggling for a long time, she's such an angry person, she just can't get past this"… to cast doubts about you. Or "He's had a tough time, you know he has had a few breakdowns, he drinks, he has an anger problem, etc…" They do all they can to paint you as unstable, as vindictive, as angry and retaliative toward them… whatever is most believable is what they will use to get the heat off them.
Sociopaths make others believe that you are doing to them what in reality they are doing to you.
We may all to some extent want to subscribe to the idea of saying no to fear. But that may be in regards to "being fearless in following your dreams"… or "being fearless in conquering your goals like weight loss, fitness, your past, any life hurdles you've endured, etc." But wiping out all fear completely? Most of us just can't wrap our heads around that concept… we may fear the Lord with an awe-ness of respect, reverence and love, an understanding that He hates sin and fearing His judgment… we may certainly and understandably fear negative consequences to certain actions so we choose not to take them, but not the sociopath. The sociopath doesn't fear consequences, as they see life as a perpetual game of dominance… always believing they are above any consequences unlike the rest of us.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
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Spot on, once again. The paragraph about controlling the narrative makes me wonder if you were following my husband during his "Sympathy Tour Weekend" when, after telling our kids how sorry he was that he just could not live with their mother any more, he visited MY best friends of 40+ years to play the pity card. They cut him off when they sensed he was about to launch into how emotionally unstable I am. (Pfft.) It would never have occurred to him that talking to MY best friends was rather useless on his part.
ReplyDelete"Sympathy Tour Weekend", I smiled at that! So true how they try to garner support in the wake of the split!
DeleteI recently asked my therapist"why won't he let me go? He has someone else and discarded me. I just don't understand!" She said "it is all about power and control." She said he may never let me go since he now has to pay spousal support and split everything with me. Michigan is a 50/50 state and he is furious with me. Twenty years and he feels I deserve nothing. He was controlling our money and doing the ole "she is mentally unstable and she lies so you can't really believe what she says"! My poor daughter is now bashing me on facebook over the money that belongs to him and how I am draining him and making them poor. Recently I am finding out that by being honest with people they are now telling me that they have seen it for years and am glad I am out of there. My former friends are coming out of the woodwork so to speak because they see him for who he is. All these years I thought they hated me and left our friendship because of me but really they stepped away because of him. Only God is the great exposer of truth. Now for the truth to be exposed to my daughter, who he controls. Thank you so much for your blog, it helps me so much as I am digging my way through this.
ReplyDeleteRobin, I so feel what you're going through. It's amazing how they do feel the need to control even though it's over. It's absolutely about power, control and even punishment I believe. My ex still shares with our daughter how he gives me child support and the amount, etc. I heard very similar things in the aftermath of my divorce, several people told me they had distanced themselves because of my ex when we were married. I have a relationship with his cousin who sees the truth and she won't go near him.... hopefully with time and prayers your daughter will come around and see the truth as well.
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