“Nest Egg” by Gualberto107 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Which came first... the chicken or the egg?
Which came first?
The narcissist or the enabler?
It's a toss up.
Narcissists don't do friendship. They don't have friends. It's not that they are too busy, distracted, or just get caught up in life suddenly realizing six weeks have gone by and all they've done is work and watch Netflix and gee, maybe they need to pick up the phone, text and say hello. No, no, no, it's not that they are shy or maybe just plain old tired and need a reprieve from the world. The fact is, a narcissist doesn't see a need for friends. There is no internal yearning for interpersonal relationships, to connect, to commiserate and laugh over coffee etc. Instead, narcissists have acolytes, which are followers, or more aptly named... enablers that are wholly devoted to them, always ready to assist them with anything they need.
Back to the chicken and the egg…
Is the narcissist's toxicity made possible due to the enablers ready and willingness to help them cause destruction everywhere they go? More than likely that answer is a resounding yes! Can a cult survive without it's followers? Where you find a narcissist you will find an enabler, they go together like peanut butter and jelly on a sandwich… yes, one may be fine on it's own… but together they can make up quite the combination… so why not stick together?
April 2015
names have been omitted in this post
****************
Wrapped in the cocoon of a white down comforter and sheets… it was around nine o'clock and I was wiped… bleary eyes, a sore throat and congested sinuses had contributed to an especially long and exhausting week of work… I had pressed forward at work despite going to bed as soon as I thankfully reached home each day… fighting a cold with saline, kleenex, Ibuprofen and Mucinex… I was relieved to be going to sleep. As I drowsily checked Facebook one last time before early bedtime I noticed a new message in my inbox. Clicking on the icon I opened it to reveal a message that made me sit up and take notice. Suddenly I was wide awake. My cold symptoms were momentarily forgotten as I skimmed the message with quick eyes and a gasp. No, no, no, I thought to myself as I read more. Stunned, my heart pounding and dread in my stomach, my bare feet hit the cool floor and I pattered down the hall to where my mom was in bed reading.
She looked up and saw my face ashen and distressed.
"What is it?" She asked me tersely, instinctively knowing something was wrong.
I told her I'd received a message from another parent about an incident at my son's school that day. The incident involved him. Apparently he was the perpetrator.
"He threatened a girl at school today. He threatened to bring a gun to school and shoot her." I told her, shocked such words were coming from my mouth… "She had been irritating him in class earlier."
Her book dropped in her lap and she sat aghast at what I'd uttered. "Oh My God…" She spoke "Get on Our Family Wizard and find out what he's doing about this." She advised referring to my ex. "Start demanding some answers. Funny how he hasn't informed you about it. You have to hear of this type of thing from a third party? Document all this." She added.
"I am…" I nodded "And I'll be going up to the school myself to speak with the administrators. This is completely unacceptable behavior. They need to know what their dealing with, that he needs to be watched like a hawk when he's in their care. He's out of control. Too bad I'm the only parent who sees it." I retorted.
I sent three messages. All three demanding answers. It showed my ex viewed them but I never received a reply. I didn't really expect to get a response as my ex never disclosed any information about our son to me. His desire was to sweep everything under the rug and act like it didn't happen. By his actions he showed this time and time again. There was no co-parenting with him. That was a joke.
I could see how the road was being paved in my own son's bad behavior being enabled. I had stood up against his bad behavior, his poor treatment and demanded rules be followed, that certain basics must be met… teeth brushing, showering, no hitting, no talking back, being respectful and following directions like doing your homework. But he had repeatedly stood in defiance and told me he would not be doing x,y,z and what was more I would not be telling him what to do. Since I'm not a bouncer and wasn't willing to get physically beat to a pulp anymore I turned him over to his dad. Really, there should be a third option but if there is one I'm not aware of it… other than possibly shipping him off to an all boys school that is Christian based with lots of physical labor for consequences to ill behavior… if such a place exists (which if it doesn't it should) I would have been willing to do but it likely comes with a hefty price tag I cannot afford. Hence, him going to his fathers; straight into the arms of the one person who was more than ready and willing to enable him is where he now lives full time.
I see enabling running rampant in my son's young impressionable pre-teen life over at his fathers… and it breaks my heart. Every other week I hear snips of horror stories from my daughter… how at his grandmother's birthday dinner at Outback he suddenly announces he wants a beer. And then his father nods and says "You can try it sometime at home." When the correct, responsible answer would have been to inform him that he's only twelve and that having beer is inappropriate and ILLEGAL until he's twenty one… that with drinking alcohol comes great responsibility and is not something to take lightly. Ethan Couch comes to my mind as my daughter rattles on how it's ridiculous when he has an aunt who was killed by a drunk driver that Daddy would take drinking so lightly… but then she admits he texts in the car while driving so that's kinda the same thing so obviously he doesn't care about them anyway.
There is the enabling of when he has a fit and he purposefully breaks his glasses, his iPhone, toys, etc. In his father's mind there is no such thing as consequence. If our son broke his glasses in the midst of rage on my watch, I'd tape them up, hand them to him and let him suffer the consequences until he needed a new prescription. But not the narcissistic father, for him everything is perfectly seamless, you just clean up the mess and buy all new to replace the broken. Making everything appear pretty is more important than addressing the root of the issue. He merely buys him brand new glasses and soothingly says "Now, don't do that again" like some inept spineless supporter.
Per our daughter the enabling continues as my ex questions our son about what set him off in social studies class to later become so enraged that he would threaten to shoot a girl at lunch. The questioning is cut short by our son saying "Let's not bring it up right now" and shutting down the conversation… pushing the issue isn't done, sitting down and saying "No, we ARE discussing this. Right now, because your actions need to be addressed" isn't done because then there might be fits of rage, objects thrown and limbs being kicked and hit… property destroyed and injuries incurred… so backing down and letting him, the child, remain in the drivers seat is what happens instead… much to his own detriment and others now and later in life.
Enabling.
It's as sick and demented as the narcissist him or herself.
It supports bad behavior.
It encourages chaos.
It backs evil and gives it elicit permission to drive the devil's schemes into action.
As parents we hold huge responsibility to teach our children what behavior is tolerated and what is not in order to lead healthy, responsible and successful lives one day. Our world is quickly subscribing to a "we will tolerate anything thrown our way" type mentality… when children are being told it's okay to "have just one sip" of something, when fits of abuse are re-worded and re-framed to be mere "some issues or anger problems", when deadly threats aren't taken seriously and intervention doesn't take place… because "he just has some problems" or "he has a broken home" or "he has affluenza"…. children need to be not enabled down a path of evil… but on a path toward our Lord… where if you make a bad decision because you CHOSE not to obey HIM guess what? You get the consequences of those poor choices served up to you. You don't have a God who just reaches down and makes it all better, who picks you up, dusts you off and says "Oh, you chose bad again. Let me clean that up for you. I don't want you to be uncomfortable for a second."
No, children need parents who are like God.
They love them… but if you choose evil over good, if you don't obey, you will suffer the consequences of those negative choices… no enabling allowed.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015
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Wow! That just blows my mind. But, that is what happens over at my house as well. My daughter is out of control and acting like she is my sons mom. It is so hard to discipline with a parent who refuses to co-parent. I am a big believer in you can choose your sin but not your consequences. My husband, yeah not so much especially now with our son who he was always happy to discipline. We have a custody hearing, yes of a 17 year old, tomorrow. He wants sole custody because I am not stable enough (in his narc mind) to handle a 17 year old boy. The boy who wants to be with his mom but can't because his dad "forgot" to pay my spousal support so there is no more home for us. Sigh. The narc is the narc and the enabler and it is just so hard to watch the dynamics of it all. This whole thing is crazy.
ReplyDeleteRobin, you've been in my thoughts and I am hoping and praying that your custody hearing goes well tomorrow.It is undeniably so frustrating when as a parent you're trying to teach your children and the other parent undermines and does everything he (or she) can to create chaos. I'm always shocked to hear that parents are having to fight for more time or full custody for children as old as seventeen; one would think the court/Judges would listen to what the child desires and look at the negative parenting of the narc for what it is: toxic.
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