Broken Hearted: An Example Of Co-Parenting With A Toxic Ex

“Multiple Fracture At Index,little Finger,metacarpal Bone” 

by stockdevil via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

April 2016

names have been omitted in this post 

**************

Thursday April 21 
3:45pm 
"Okay, so I'm looking at the x-ray and her fingers not broken. But I'm going to give her this buddy tape to keep her pinkie stabilized with her ring finger. Keep this on for three weeks. No more basketball… no gym or sports. And in three weeks we will want to see her back here for a follow-up." The Pediatrician told me regarding my daughter. I nodded and confirmed I understood the directions and we soon departed the doctor's office and headed to Target to pick up essentials for dinner.

5:33pm 
Sent message to ex stating daughter's left pinkie finger got bent playing basketball at school. Stated it was swollen and bruised and had been treated with ice and Advil. Stated she had had x-rays and they recommended her finger be buddy taped for three weeks. No response.

Friday April 22 
3:00pm
Daughter returns to her father for the week.

Saturday April 23 
10:00am
Pediatrician's office calls that her finger is broken after all and that they will be referring us to an Ortho doctor for further treatment.

11:07am
Sent ex message that the Pediatrician's office called. No response. I call him and state the situation. I FaceTime our daughter that afternoon and tell her. He hadn't even mentioned it to her.

Monday April 25
1:39pm
Ex messages asking if I've heard from the doctor.
I message back no I haven't.
His response: She needs to get back in to the doctor, please let me know what you find out.
My response: I'll call them.

4:27pm
I message him: Here is the number for the Ortho doctor. They have her file and all you need to do is set an appt. Since you have her this week you can set the appt since you know your schedule. No response.

Tuesday April 26 
8:32am 
I message him to let me know what the doctor says.
He responds he's called twice to arrange an appt but there has been no response.
I respond: I gave them your number to set an appt.
His response: If you talk to a doctor please set an appt.
I respond: All I was able to reach on the phone was an answering service rep.

Wednesday April 27 
4:51pm
I send him a message asking if he ever got an appt set for her. No response.

6:27pm 
He messages me that the doctors office called and said they could make an appt on Friday but I'll be out of town so I gave them your number and they can call you to schedule an appt.

6:35pm
I message him back noting his unavailability and failure to have made her a priority. Also that having that information he should have gone ahead and scheduled her an after school appt to ensure getting her in as soon as possible… but noting that now the doctor's office is closed.

<<<< a cussing rant-a-thon ensues by me in my kitchen as I process the fact he allowed an entire week to go by with her in his care/possession without getting her finger re-assessed… the frustration and worry for my daughter mounting… knowing we have a limited amount of time to get it taken care of and anger at him for being a negligent father.>>>>

Thursday April 28 
8:07am
I first call the Pediatrician's office and speak with the nurse to ensure they are aware he did not follow through on his week and get her in to Ortho. They document it and the nurse states she doesn't understand what his issue is. I smirk at that. I then make a second call before work to set an appt for our daughter but I'm informed that all appointments have been filled and now there is nothing available until the following week on Tuesday at 9:30am.

4:23pm
After work I call a new doctor with better availability (and easier to reach) and get an Ortho appointment set for our daughter for the next day; Friday afternoon. I call my manager at work to inform her that unfortunately I will have to leave work early the following day to get my daughter in to the doctor. I had already had to lose one day's worth of pay because my garage door had broken earlier that week and I couldn't get out. It wasn't like me to have to miss work… I work even when I'm sick if need be. I apologize for the inconvenience and she states she knows it's been a bad week and that it's okay.

Friday April 29 
8:16am 
Messaged ex and stated her appt time at 1:15pm that day.

11:00am 
I leave work early and lose hours/pay and rush to pick daughter up early from school and then to retrieve the x-rays from the Pediatrician's office en-route to the Ortho doctor. Once at the doctor he takes new x-rays and recommends it remain buddy taped for at least two more weeks and to set a follow-up appointment.

Daughter informs me every day she asked her dad when she was going back to the doctor. He continued to tell her that he had called the doctor's office. Then on Thursday he told her that he wouldn't be able to take her to the doctor after all because he was leaving for London to meet his fiancé who had flown ahead; that they were planning to see her daughter's communion once there. She told me he had chosen to put Georgina's daughter ahead of her and that he didn't care about her finger or her. She stated that in any other situation especially regarding her brother he would take charge and done whatever he needed to but when it came to her he didn't care.


This is a typical example of how a narcissistic sociopath operates and lets us down. It's also a typical example of how frustrating it is to attempt to co-parent with a personality disordered individual… these types of scenarios are common for both sexes dealing with those who do not put their children's best interests first. They aren't reliable to those who are dependent upon them or counting on them to do the right thing. Children are always let down; namely if they are the black sheep. Children are chronically broken hearted knowing their parent doesn't love them… they see it by the actions shown to them. Life brings all sorts of obstacles and disasters both big and small… and yet the sociopath is unwilling to do anything but kick you when you're already down. You mean nothing to he or she and their cruelest behavior is highlighted when you always need them most. They will throw kinks in whatever you're trying to do to better a situation. They will switch loyalties like the wind. You're likely expecting them to behave or react as one should… with concise clear steps to help however they can, to jump in with hustle and to show empathy. 


It won't happen.
They will do everything in their power to make it worse.
They will twist and spin and say it's your fault it didn't turn out how it should have.
They will deflect and blame you instead.
They will not take responsibility.
They will not apologize.
They will continue to be the sorry negligent abusive piece of scum they excel at being.
Yes, it comes natural.
It's all they know.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

After A Sociopath: Giving Love A Chance

“Young Tourist Couple Looking At The Views In The City” by nenetus via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

March 2016 

names have been omitted in this post 

*****************

I fiddled with my bracelets in hues of green, blue and turquoise gracing my right wrist. Seated on the brown leather couch I flashed a smile at my therapist taking a seat across from me. Wearing a navy v-neck silk blouse and black slacks I spoke "I'm good, thank you. It's been, um, an interesting past few weeks." I told her.

She smiled knowingly and nodded. "How is your daughter?" We chatted a few moments catching her up to date on her latest struggles with her father which was the primary reason for my sessions and then she asked. "So… are you still seeing the man you met?"

Hesitation… a big exhale and I glanced at her. "No, I'm not." I admitted.

She gave me a concerned look and spoke. "Why?"

"I told him I thought it best if we didn't pursue dating. I mean… "I trailed off. "He lives an hour away. The distance is an issue… just trying to get together is a struggle and it's not right of him to have to do all that driving. I mean… I'm just trying to be logical here… at some point we might decide to throw in the towel because it's too great a distance. We both have kids and shared custody… things like school and commutes factor in. I can't leave this county according to my divorce decree. That's reality. I just didn't want either one of us to be heartbroken later on, one or two years invested later... only to confirm that yes, the distance was an issue. You know what I mean?" I asked her for confirmation.

She nodded but gazed at me thoughtfully. "But you like him? A lot, I mean?" She asked.

I nodded. "Yes… I mean, we were in contact daily, multiple times a day… we just click. From what I can gather he's a good dad, our values appear similar, our personalities and humor mesh and he's thoughtful. I'm attracted to him. I find myself smiling like a jackass and yet he's very sweet. I haven't seen any red flags… I guess it's sad to admit, but I keep looking for them... scrutinizing. Not that there couldn't be red flags at some point... but as of now I really can't say enough good things about him. I'm being cautious but at some point isn't that a hindrance?" I ventured aloud thoughtfully.

She studied me carefully. "I see your concerns. I do… and I'm not going to let you believe otherwise… it WILL be an issue. The distance is going to be challenging no doubt. Because hypothetically long term? If it worked? I understand that you are merely trying to be mindful of the logistics. And that's very wise. But... if there is something there… a connection, maybe even love... " She trailed off and smiled... "Isn't it worth pursuing? Yes, you might get your heart broken… you might break his…" She admitted, "But what if it works out?" She asked me.

I nodded. "I've been second guessing my decision. I may have been too hasty. I've missed him this past week. A lot." I admitted. "He actually reached out to me today and said hello. I was glad he did. I had actually planned to but wanted to get some feedback from you on this… I'm struggling." I admitted.

She smiled.  "Well… then… is there money? I mean, to make it work? That is if you both decided to at some point later on obviously? Because it may require two houses for awhile." She informed me.

I shrugged. "I have no idea to what extent. However… he did toss out the idea at some point that he could get a place here in town for the weeks he doesn't have his children so he'd be closer to me." 

She raised her eyebrows with interest. "Did he? What did you say?" She inquired.

I exhaled. "I replied that I was flattered but that didn't make financial sense."

She peered at me over her glasses and raised an eyebrow. "You what? Oh dear… " She sighed.

I grimaced at her. "I know… later in hindsight I thought to myself… who am I to tell him how to spend his money? I mean, really? I shouldn't have done that. Yet my intentions were merely being practical." I confessed.

"I agree, you overstepped a boundary. I mean, that's really his place to decide that." She pointed out and I visibly winced. She spoke again with care. "But don't you realize what that means? Just that he threw that out there says a lot." She pointed out.

I ran my hands through my hair and bit my lip. "I know… but I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I feel guilt if he's doing all the driving." I told her.

She shook her head. "Obviously he doesn't see it that way." She peered at me over her glasses. "Don't you think that maybe he sees what a treasure you are, that you are more than worth it?" She asked kindly.

I shifted uncomfortably on the couch and tears sprang to my eyes "Okay... and yet I'm torn. I don't want to get duped again. And yet rationally the man's given me zero reason to believe I'm being duped. And yet in that… once you've been through this crazy stuff I've been through how fully can you really trust anyone? And yet I don't want to screw up by not giving someone a chance." I told her.

I didn't need a re-run of what had happened with Jeremy. I couldn't do that twice. I'd risk getting hurt again over that… what happened with him nearly did me in. I didn't want to repeat history of a pain that was more unbearable than any other loss of a relationship. It was time to dive in again and take a chance at love. 

I left my thoughts and returned to my conversation with her. "And I guess on some level I want easy. I don't want hard..." I trailed off and sighed."You have to understand... I am so tired. So, so, so incredibly tired." I paused and reflected. "I feel so much older than what I am. Childhood was hard, school was hard, my marriage was hard… my ex makes everything so hard regarding our daughter. I don't want love to be hard too… I mean, I guess I should clarify that and say I don't want to make it more complicated than it should or has to be. I guess that makes sense." I explained. 

She nodded empathetically and gently spoke. "And I get that as well. Jennifer, you have been through a lot. And there will always be things to sort out… in this case it's distance… but if he's willing to help with the distance and you mesh that well… why not try?" She asked then gave me a pointed look. "It's merely dating him, that's all and seeing where it goes. It's ultimately up to you… but I would reach out to him and tell him you've been hasty. Just tell him what you told me." She stressed. 

I grimaced. "He's going to think I'm a total flake." I lamented, feeling a little embarrassed.

She shook her head with a smile. "No. He won't. He will be thrilled. But ultimately it's up to you."

I knew the answer. I was going to reach out to him. I was going to take a chance. 

*****************

10 Ways To Know You Are Ready To Take A Chance On Love: 

1. Letting your walls come down. We can't let someone in to love us if we have barriers they cannot get past… we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable in sharing our thoughts, emotions, past, present, future, hopes, losses, fears, dreams, goals and even affection. 

2. Realizing in the past you held people at arms length and 

lost people who wanted to love you and not allowing that to happen again. 

3. Acknowledging your past hurts and taking the knowledge you

 have now to watch for signs of toxic behavior. 

4. Knowing you have the power to choose. You have the power to choose and not be chosen. 

5. You have the power to walk away only after you've truly given love a chance. 

6. Negative generalizations of "all men are liars, cheats, users, etc" or "all women are liars, cheats and gold diggers etc" have been replaced with "Some people are capable of love and others aren't." 

7. Deep down knowing you are worthy of a real love and are not unlovable. 

8. Knowing you can make it on your own and are not confusing security and love. 

9. Having friendships and goals other than finding love… having balance in your life. 

10. Enjoying the fun in your relationship… relishing the new chapter you are in. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016  

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Divorce: 3 Lessons Learned

 image “Hand Of A Man And Woman Tearing Apart Heart Symbol” by Sira Anamwong via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Divorce

Yes, it is a life changer. Anyone who has been through it knows that with it comes a complete upheaval of your life. But it doesn't have to be all bad. For both men and women it has it's challenges, no doubt but with those we can remember to cling to several lessons divorce teaches us.

Lesson #1: 

Learn to trust yourself, your instincts and personal wisdom. 

Give yourself credit. 

After divorce we become better at choosing what behaviors we will and won't put up with. When we go through a divorce, unless it was amicable more than likely there was a significant unhealthy dynamic between us and our soon to be ex. Maybe one person was a narcissist, even worse a sociopath… in that case the personality disordered individual was downright toxic to be married to. Anyone who has experienced the toxic abuse of an ex knows firsthand the challenges in coping with someone who isn't healthy. That being said… when it comes to implementing no contact with an ex who has proved time and time again through his or her actions that you shouldn't engage with them… that thinking may very well carry over into other relationships as well. When I was invited to a reunion a few years ago, I declined going. One relative in particular was up in arms about it, attempting the guilt trip routine but I stood firm. Even my sister voiced her concerns I wasn't attending it. It wasn't until after she had fought highway construction, the added stress of finding an area she wasn't familiar with and terrible late night traffic with her young children in tow going and coming back to attend said reunion did she text me later that night saying I'd made the right choice and in hindsight she wish she'd declined as I had. There was zero ill will towards these relatives… it's just that jumping through hoops and giving of your time to be with folks who then behave indifferently isn't healthy. I had empathy for her, saw her effort and desire for a different outcome yet had known it wouldn't go well based on past actions. Just because we don't wish to engage with others doesn't mean we can't wish them well. We often learn to re-evaluate and value our time, our needs and wants more after giving too much to the wrong people. Tapping into our instincts we have about others is something we certainly have the right to and should do. Trust your gut. Forming boundaries with others is essential and not swaying when we shouldn't is even more vital. Divorce helps us become stronger, to say no more often and when needed, to take more initiative in our life as the captain of our own ship… we are fully capable of making the decision of who stays on board and who doesn't.

Lesson #2: 

Be the parent you always wanted to be and make your child's

 remaining childhood the best you can. 

After divorce we certainly have the opportunity to become better parents. If we had children during the course of our marriage we know if the union wasn't great that tension may have trickled into our parenting as well. Stress, anxiety, walking on eggshells from a toxic spouse may have left us snapping at our children or merely wanting to just zone out on the couch to decompress. Since being divorced I feel more relaxed in my parenting… meaning less stressed out. Once were single and rid of all the stress that we experienced before we may surprisingly and pleasantly find ourselves calmer and more connected with our children. Having more energy now that isn't expended on trying to calm or tip toe around an abusive/indifferent spouse leaves us with much more for our children. Creating a more peaceful environment for our children and having that extra energy for play means more opportunities to connect and have fun which translates to a happier, more well adjusted, nurtured child. At the end of the day children don't really care about living in the bigger house, having the nicer car or wearing the designer clothes… what they want are the three things money can't buy… their parents time, attention and love.

Lesson #3: 
Say goodbye to negative thinking patterns that do nothing but make you feel trapped. 
You hold the power to new thinking. 

Several times during the course of my divorce and in it's aftermath of finalization I began sinking into what I'd call catastrophic thinking. No one could really blame anyone for going into this negative mindset regarding divorce… there are many days we literally feel like we won't make it another day much less another hour. It's so incredibly easy for depression to set in… especially if were already prone to it due to family history, ADHD, etc. Catastrophic thinking is comparable to quick sand… you dip your toe in with one or a few bad self-defeating thoughts and before you know it… yikes, you're full blown drowning in that mess… and it's harder than heck to get yourself out of it once you're in it. 

Catastrophic thinking is the false idea that:

 "IT WON'T EVER GET BETTER!", "I CAN'T DO THIS!", "I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FINANCIALLY SUPPORT MYSELF!", and "I'LL NEVER MEET ANYONE!", "NO ONE WILL WANT ME NOW!!", "I NO LONGER HAVE A TRADITIONAL FAMILY!", "WHAT AM I GONNA DOOOOOOO?!", "MY LIFE IS OVER!!!", "I WON'T EVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD OUTBACK AGAIN!" (If you're addicted to Bloomin Onions you know that's a true concern).  But, seriously, deep breaths… it's no wonder you're perhaps thinking like this… you're going through a MAJOR LIFE CHANGE and that can send us into a spiral, to begin having panic attacks and needing reassurance that it's all going to be okay. I'm here to tell you today: 

 IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. 

Yeah, you might need to readjust the finances… more than likely you aren't going to be living at the same level you were. But you are still here. Deep breath. God is not done with you… you are here and when you can't take another step He will renew your strength to power on. You might need to frequent the Dollar store for your kids to have activities to do. You might need to live off canned chicken and dollar bread for awhile… mayonnaise and parmesan cheese might become luxury items. You might need to go without buying any new clothes for a year. Or two. Or three. You may have to sell items from your old life to pay for things you need in your new life. You may have a Birkin from your old life and yet be eating ramen noodles. It happens. 

Yes, you will meet new people… you're going to be pleasantly surprised when God puts certain people along your path that have been through similar trials… and who knows… you may meet someone who sings a song your sweet heart knows and even better… fall in love with him or her and share a new life you are both blessed to live. 

The next time catastrophic thinking knocks at your door… realize that's a conversation the devil wants to engage you in… it's a talk that goes nowhere but down and takes you with it. Rebuke those negative thoughts and remember that nothing remains exactly the same… were all in motion… even in tiny steps… were all moving forward and circumstances that seem hopeless today will change and improve bit by bit. God has you and even in the darkest days He is there. 

You aren't worth less because divorce has caused your life to change. The things you can and cannot do don't define you. Your faith, your courage in the midst of uncertainty and pressing on… being there for your children and taking care of yourself so they have the best mommy or daddy possible is what matters. Your perspective will shift. Those fancy pillows at Pottery Barn won't seem so important… that gotta have it piece of jewelry at Macy's won't be a priority… divorce forces us to get back to basics… to making popsicles for our kids, playing tic-tac-toe and reading outside on a blanket under a shade tree. Hug your children and remember more than ever they need you right now… that's why it is so important to practice self care during and even in the aftermath of divorce. Make sure you're getting plenty of sleep, (nap if you need to) take your medications regularly as prescribed, pray, exercise, take Vitamin D, eat as healthy as possible and take time for yourself… sports, movies, whatever helps you decompress… reading, bubble bath, funny sitcoms, crafting, gardening, journaling, etc. If you believe you are depressed seek the help of your doctor in finding a medication that would best suit you… have your Vitamin D levels checked and make sure you have a support system in place of people that know and understand what you're going through. Check out DivorceCare at a local church if you're not already a member… it's extremely helpful to find people who will share their faith and similar circumstances for support and fellowship. 

Divorce is a life changer no doubt. 

But one of the best things about it is now you are the leading lady or man. 

Not your ex husband. 

Not your ex wife. 

Not your ex-mother in law.

It's your time now.
It's your time to dive into who you were destined to be… 
It's a new beginning… 
Be brave… 
Take God by the hand and jump in. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading,

commenting and sharing!