Saturday, March 5, 2016

Married To A Narcissistic Sociopath? You Will Never Be Enough

“Sad Middle Aged Woman Suffering From Headache” 
by stock images via 

February 2016 

names have been changed and omitted in this post 


We had already made our run to the store to pick up chicken noodle soup and extra tissue and now were crashed on the couch the rest of the day. I snuggled beside my daughter in the den under the oversized gray blanket and reached over to gently tuck her long blonde brown hair behind her ear. I glanced at her and spoke, "I'm sorry you're feeling bad, sweet pea. Hopefully staying home from school today will help you start feeling better. Having a cold isn't fun, is it?" I asked.

"No, it's not." She agreed and as the Disney channel switched shows she turned to me and spoke. "You know how Daddy likes back rubs?" She asked. Thinking this was an oddly random change of subject I was caught off guard but nodded.

"Yeah… why?" I asked her.

She turned to face me. "Okay, so Georgina gives him these back rubs, right? When they watch tv." She confirmed, referring to her dad's recent fiancé. "She gives him really long ones. And then she asks for one. And he does it. For like five minutes. And then he stops."

"Um, okay… "I trailed off, not sure what the point of this was but listening. "So, is that a problem?" I asked her.

"Yeah it is!" She exclaimed. "Georgina gets SO mad!"

I stared at her "Really? Hmmm… why do you think that is?" I asked her curiously.

"I think because she gives him a really great one and then he won't give her one back. She brings it up all the time. I think it makes her really mad that he won't." She told me with a grimace and then just like that snatched the remote control to turn up the volume on her show.

I sat beside her watching the screen but not really; my thoughts going back... reflecting on our marriage. I remember giving him back rubs and him complaining I was massaging too hard. Considering my pretty consistent inability to unscrew a jar of jelly or salsa without annihilating my hand (ouch!) I had thrown my hands up in frustration at what I perceived to be nit picking. He loved my fingers run through his hair and yet no matter how long I did it, it was never frequent enough or long enough… complaints ensued when my cramping fingers needed a rest. If he gave me a back massage he always expected sex. I eventually stopped accepting his offer of one as everything came with an expectation attached. Switch to intimacy and his complaints came that foreplay took too long and let's just get to the, er his main event, shall we? It was a constant checklist, er, gripe-fest of how he hadn't gotten x,y,z. And yet I seemed to be the one regularly going without. Looked like his pattern was playing out yet again. I wasn't too surprised.

The truth was… this was about more than just a back massage. 
The back massage was simply the symptom of a bigger issue at hand. 
The back massage was a symbol of selfishness. 

The narcissistic sociopath is someone who views themselves as not how they truly are. Meaning in reality they are the epitome of selfishness yet see themselves as victims of a less than loving spouse or ex-spouse. #projection. While married they begin to chip away at their spouse… they begin to nit pick at them and point out all the ways they are failing, all the ways they are not meeting their expectations or loving them perfectly.

And before you know it… the narcissistic sociopath is rationalizing, JUSTIFYING why they should be able to cheat on their spouse… the spouse they once adored and set high on a pedestal. They no longer see their spouses kindness, generous nature, their beauty and fun spirit. 

With a narcissistic sociopath nothing you do is ever enough. 

That great back massage won't be enough.
That amazing homemade lasagna you baked won't be enough.
That thoughtful delivery of cookies or muffins to his office won't be enough.
That nice shirt, tickets to the game or gift card to Best Buy won't be enough.
That night of sex where you catered to his every desire and lust won't be enough.
That dinner date where you laughed until your stomachs hurt won't be enough.
That nurturing and care you did for the babies you gave birth to day in and day out won't be enough.
That selfless picking up of his dry cleaning and walking the dog he had to have won't be enough.
That proud verbal congratulations you gave about his newest promotion at work won't be enough.

It will never be enough.

The narcissistic sociopath has this sixth sense of knowing exactly what you need, want, fantasize and dream about… they can read people like no one else. The spectrum of toxic individuals out there varies of course… from a simple narcissist to the extreme; a sociopath. Some are clearly more toxic or skilled than others in reading people. (And yet in that let's remember any toxicity is harmful) In the beginning of a relationship a sociopath is able to discern quickly exactly what to say and do to lure you in and do just that.

He is able to figure out exactly what words you find touching, what sentiments make you melt, what poetry makes you smile and then say or write just that.

He is able to anticipate exactly what turns you on and what turns you off… what erotic caresses of the tongue and hands make you burn and yearn for more… and does just that.

He is able to assess exactly what makes you feel overwhelmingly spoiled and adored via sweet favors or gifts… and produces just that.

And so they do it... for awhile... until they've captured you in a committed relationship or marriage and/or used you up and need a new source of supply.

Those blissful early days… 

When were initially in the throes of dating or early days of marriage he or she will let you know up front what behaviors of yours are not permitted by bashing his or her ex continuously in an indirect manner… framed in an insidiously "positive" way.

He or She will say…. 

1. "I LOVE how you always wear bright colors. It makes me so happy."
Translation: My ex only wore black because that's what she liked not what I like.

2. "I LOVE how you aways respond to my texts right away. It makes me feel really good."
Translation: My ex didn't respond to my texts right away toward the end of our marriage because she figured out what a control freak/needy I am and stopped responding as often or quickly.

3. "I LOVE how you're so laid back and not the insecure type at all."
Translation: My ex's instincts told them I was cheating and that's why they voiced being uncomfortable with me going on that business trip with my attractive co-worker. But I'm not telling you that.

Of course, you can try to do all the "right things"; you can try to follow the sociopath's rule book on what to do or not to do… playing into the comparison game of their exes as detailed above to ensure you are going to be the one who makes them happy and loves them perfectly. Certainly, you can try to stand on your head, juggle it all and ensure you're doing it their utmost satisfaction.

But remember… at the end of the day, at the end of the year, at the end of the relationship, maybe at the end of your life… it really won't matter how hard you tried to please he or she…

The hard truth and fact of the matter is:

Just like the ones before you… just like the ones to come after you…

In the sociopath's eyes….

You will still never be enough. 

© ~ 2016


Isaiah 43:4New International Version (NIV) 

Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you,


To My Readers: 
Thank you for reading, 
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