Tuesday, October 6, 2015

The Narcissistic Ex: Crossing Boundaries = Control

“Fence With Barbed Wire” by franky242 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

October 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

this post contains language 


It was October… fall was finally here… and cooler temps meant Texas was finally reaching low nineties… even eighties… which was wonderful and welcome. Wearing boots, black jeans, a dark sleeveless top and my apron I thanked the sweet customer I was waiting on and handed her her receipt. I walked around the counter to survey the various pieces of furniture that needed to be dealt with… pieces that needed to be moved to the back holding area. As I did so… something, or someone caught my peripheral vision. I turned and noticed a man standing at the end of the checkout holding a comforter set to purchase. I pleasantly called to him that I could help him if he was ready. He began walking toward me and it was then that I came face to face… with my ex. 

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world she had to walk into mine…" the line Humphrey Bogart said of Ingrid Bergman's character Ilsa in Casablanca went through my head.

"There's dozens of stores in this town and you… YOU just HAD to come in here!" I steamed to myself silently.

I looked right through him and spoke "Hello. Is this everything for you today?" I asked robotically but not really expecting nor wanting an answer.

He nodded and smiled "Yeah" and moved, trying to catch my eye and engage me "Hey.... thanks for helping us!" He said with a overly cheerful tone.

"Why don't you take a freaking flying leap…" I thought to myself but said nothing and rang up his comforter. 

I told him his total and glanced down at our daughter who stared at me in distress as she knew instinctively it wasn't sunshine and rainbows for me to see him. He swiped his credit card on the machine.

"Hey, sweet pea… it's good to see you." I smiled at her "I love you."

I plucked the receipt as it dispensed from the register and handed it to him.

"Thank you." I said looking through him once more.

He took the comforter set in it's bag by the handle and said thank you as well, taking the receipt.

My daughter looked at me like a stricken hostage as she said "Bye, Mommy" and left with him.

They walked away and out the automatic doors. I turned to face the counter behind me and took deep breaths. "That sorry so and so… I don't believe it's asking too much for him to go shop somewhere else." I thought. "He has dozens of stores to choose from and he comes in here. He could have come in when he KNEW I wasn't working. But… no. What an ass!" I sniped to myself in my head. It was like I needed barbed wire between my ex and I… he knew no boundaries… or more accurately did not care about them… he continued to overstep and play a game of forced interaction… forced supply… forced engagement. It was all ridiculous and yet expecting him to be reasonable and stay away was expecting insane to behave sanely.

In a Narc's eyes when they CROSS BOUNDARIES 
they seek CONTROL over you

My manager walked up and took one look at me "Hey, Jen… are you okay?" She asked with concern painted across her face peering at me intently.

I nodded and noticed I was shaking. Great. Not that again, I thought. "I am… I just had to wait on my ex. I'm really upset he came in here." I confided in her.

She looked at me with empathy and spoke softy "Oh, honey, I'm sorry. If you need to take a break you can. I'm sorry you had to deal with that." She told me. I deeply appreciated her words and comfort.

"Thank you, " I told her "I'll be okay… I just wish it hadn't happened." I admitted ruefully.


Most couples… well… NORMAL and HEALTHY couples, they have a relationship of some kind… they date or they marry and then come to the decision… either mutually or alternatively one or the other decides that this simply isn't working. At that point they sit down and have a discussion as two mature adults and decide to part ways… either just breaking up or filing for divorce.

Despite some hurt and maybe heated moments of emotion… despite perhaps heartfelt feelings uttered… maybe overdue and just plain too late… these people can deal with the pain and move on… they divide everything with the help of attorneys… or trade boxes of t-shirts, DVD's and spatulas… even wishing the other person well. They each realize that the other person isn't a bad person… they just aren't right for them… and they can still see admirable, likable qualities in them despite any difficulties they shared that couldn't be smoothed out for the long haul. This is what mature healthy adults do when handling the disappointing fallout of a relationship however longterm or short lived.

But with a narcissistic sociopath? 

It's just not happening. They never go away. They never completely disappear. They never take the hint that moving on is exactly how it's stated… moving on. That means for the mentally insane and inept folks out there: You don't just keep popping back up like a jack in the box and reappearing in your ex's life. You hit the door and don't look back. You go through the grief and pain of the breakup and come out the other side renewed and ready to spring back into life… healed and ready for a new chapter… a new chapter of self and spiritual growth and even possibly love again. You don't continue to engage with your ex and make them… FORCE them to give you face time. Instead, you move on and give them their space.

20 Things A Narcissistic Sociopath 
May Do During/ After A Break-Up:

1. Show up at your place of employment or home.
2. Call incessantly.
3. Call at 4 in the morning and hang up.
4. Leave dozens of voicemails… angry, tearful, raging, etc on your phone.
5. Send dozens of text messages that threaten, plea or rage at you.
6. Harass your friends via social media.
7. Stalk your Facebook.
8. Make fake accounts and stalk your Facebook.
9. Change your address for your mail.
10. Intercept your mail.
11. Hide your children from you and or alienate them from you.
12. Threaten to take your children from you.
13. Turn off your utilities, cell phone, water, etc.
14. Key your car.
15. Puncture your tires.
16. Suddenly insist on passports for your children.
17. Have his friends harass you either via phone, text, or showing up at your work or home.
18. Parade his new supply around you to "make you jealous".
19. Send flowers and beg you to stay with him.
20. Bug your phone, hack your email and track your car via GPS.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

If you are experiencing any or all of these toxic behaviors you don't have to feel alone.

There is help.

You can get assistance at:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) via the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 365 days a year. You can also file a police report so the behavior is documented. 


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