GPS-Grace Power Strength: Hidden Aspergers: When You Get Bamboozled

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Hidden Aspergers: When You Get Bamboozled

spring of 2012

names have been omitted in this post

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"You aren't going to believe this… well, maybe you will." I told her wearily. "Are you sitting down?" I asked, clutching my cell phone in my left hand. I paced my living room with its blonde wood floor, large oversized art and view of the water.

"Yeah, I'm sitting down… what is it?" came her terse reply as if she was preparing for an avalanche of bad news to come down upon her.

"I talked to our son's psychiatrist today. You know he diagnosed him with Aspergers. You know how I had been discussing with him for weeks about Dad's behavior over the years? Well, he told me today he'd come to the conclusion based on the information gathered he has a personality disorder... which we already knew by my therapists past conclusion, so that's two people now with that determination… but today he also said aspergers as well." I told her.

Stunned silence.

Then I felt her anger reverberating through the phone at me that was directed at him. Tears and upset followed… it was horrible. I would always remember this day. This phone call. I listened and let her rant, I empathized with her rage at being duped, I could feel and understand her indignation, her wrath, her tears… her upset, at her feeling tricked and cheated. {I had no idea at that moment my own nightmare was about to set into motion and in the coming months I'd discover my husband was cheating, that he showed signs of being personality disordered. The same psychiatrist would voice observation to me from sessions with my husband of a few asperger-spectrum-like traits in him as well.} My mother had every right to grieve the fact there was known information withheld from her about who she married.

As I did more research on genealogy websites and reached out to distant relatives states away I learned more and more about my paternal side of the family that had been kept hidden away… deep within the family tree, mental illness, electro shock treatments, psych wards, delusions, broken families, out of control tempers, infidelities, failed marriages, wives who had just packed up and walked off due to gross dysfunction and more were rampant… It was grievous to discover there was so much hidden away, that my relatives had kept secret. Mental illness isn't something to be ashamed of… genes are given, passed down from one generation to another… those genes aren't taken with willing outreached hands by the next generation, eager to take them on… no one wants to have a mental illness… empathy should abound… yet what disturbed me the most and made me recoil with anger was the fact…

it had all been secreted away despite valid questions asked…
that was just plain wrong through and through.

The next evening as he sat at the kitchen table she confronted him… "You know what I found out? What the psychiatrist said? He said you have aspergers!"

Silence. No response. No denial.

No up-in-arms and absolutely no retort from him of: "No, I don't!"

like one would expect from most…

most people would deny it and demand answers;

demand to know how one came to this conclusion.

Instead, she was met with silence and his head hung

like a shamed and reprimanded child.

"All these years the kids have been trying to get a diagnosis for their son… " She told him "For our grandson and you sat right there with your parents and said: "No, our family doesn't have anything!" " she quoted the same tired response we had heard for years from them. "Over and over again you all three swore up and down your family didn't have any issues. For years our daughter has been trying to get some help for him, trying to find out what is going on, trying to get some answers and every time you all sat there and denied your family having anything. What a lie, it was all lies!" she yelled at him.

Can someone have a personality disorder and be on the spectrum at the same time? Anything is possible.

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No matter what someone has… whether it's aspergers, adhd, bi-polar, etc,… if it's known it needs to be shared with who were dating before we marry them. It's one thing to not know… to be just as blindsided by a diagnosis as a spouse once both people are securely rooted in a marriage… those marriages are understandably challenging and plenty of grace, understanding and working as a team must take place for those unions to thrive. But to knowingly withhold information? People have a right to know if someone has a diagnosis that could impact their relationship and their life. People have a right to know the person they are marrying and that means no secrets should be kept from one another. Keeping family secrets and omitting facts or family history is lying and will always have consequences. Keeping secrets means making decisions for others and taking away the control they have over their lives and life course.

James 4:17 ESV

So whoever knows the right thing to do

and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

In a perfect world we would also know if someone had a personality disorder as well before we said "I do"…. Because "in sickness and in health" doesn't and shouldn't include the act of manipulation, a lack of empathy and pure havoc created by the spinning of lies, deceit and infidelity by one person in a marriage… which is what occurs when someone is personality disordered. Unfortunately, knowing that who were contemplating marrying has a manipulative nature?…. that is not always the case… as very often denial goes along with narcissism as well as delusional thinking… they tend to not believe they nor their behavior are the issue… that it's everyone else who just can't live up their standards… hence using others and then the discarding that occurs; the need for a new person/new supply. Self-awareness and introspection don't exist in the mind of a narcissist or sociopath, or in more general terms, a personality disordered individual.

Proverbs 12:22 ESV

Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord,

but those who act faithfully are his delight.

If you were duped by a spouse… whether it be they have a flaming case of narcissism and or are a sociopath… whether they have aspergers or are bi-polar… if you were knowingly withheld information about who you were marrying, if you were used by them and or their family to be the target or "caretaker" for the one you married… take heart and know you are most certainly not alone. At the end of the day no matter what the situation… no matter what it was… if you were purposely not told your partner had HIV and you're now infected, if you weren't told your partner has a drug addiction, or gross debt, if you were kept in the dark you married someone who has a criminal record, you have every right to be angry. You have every right to feel outraged. You have every right to mourn that control taken from you. Because it's not right.

You Are Not Alone

Proverbs 10:9 ESV

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely,

but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.

Information is powerful. When we have information we can then make informed decisions. And when we are kept from knowing intimate details we need to know… very basic facts that would most definitely affect the decisions we choose to make in who we choose for our partner and our life… we don't just suffer emotionally and maybe physically but possibly our children do as well.

Empathy is needed for those who have dealt with diagnoses and obstacles in their past... we all have something in life that we must come to terms with and or face. Each and every one of us also has the right to grieve what has been taken from us; our choice. When our choices, our decision making is made for us... when secrets are knowingly kept from us, when we are manipulated for the purpose of gain, when we are used and then we come to discover the truth.... anger ensues... anger that is absolutely justified and needs to be dealt with in a healthy manner.

No matter where we find ourselves in life through the deceitful actions of a partner we can take heart in knowing not everyone is out to deceive us. Not everyone has a plan or agenda. It may take some time to heal, to face and absorb the truth... of what was kept hidden from us... we may keep turning to a continual mental loop of "why's?!" and questioning everything due to our trust being shattered...

But thank goodness there is one absolute truth... there is truth from the one who knows all, who stands for goodness... for God's word is the only infallible truth we have. We can remember his promises, his plan is to give us a future, hope and not a plan of evil. He will not deceive us, he will with great compassion restore what you lost and with sweet sweet love pick up all the pieces of where you find yourself scattered in pain, loss and defeat... You will laugh, run and leap once again, renewed, powered by his love, comfort and strength.