Sunday, December 29, 2013

Common Phrases Spoken By (and signs of) A Narcissistic Sociopath

"They said you was high-class… 

that was just a lie."

 - Elvis 

High-class…. respectable... honest… hardworking… some parents may be viewed in this sense by others but sometimes the percieved view is completely wrong… indeed, the narcissistic sociopathic parent is capable of appearing quite the opposite of what they truly are underneath the mask they wear.

People in general often think "You married a Narcissist? What? How is that possible? They appear perfectly nice and normal to me." or they may think... "Your dad is a sociopath? Not possible! A sociopath is a cold blooded killer… not some everyday-looking-Joe."

But there is a wide spectrum when it comes to personality disorders… there are subtle traits and then the far extreme committing violent crimes… but typically most narcissistic sociopaths are your everyday working men… in jobs as businessmen… maybe they own their own business and make money under the table… maybe they are entrepreneurs, maybe they are attorneys or work on wall street… but all of them are looking out for one person and one person alone… themselves.

They are not caring people… they lack empathy. They do not love their children. Their children are possessions… and if divorced they use their children as pawns in a plan of vengeance. If married they still use their children… as their children are an extension of their ego… they need their children to satisfy their life goals and dreams in order to gain additional supply where the supply they gain leaves off from their spouse. There is always additional supply to pursue to feed their hungry egos and using people is how they do this. Sociopaths are comparable to emotional vampires… they suck you dry until you have nothing left. Then they move on to their next prey.

"Say Whaaaaat?"

There are certain phrases they use and it's good to familiarize yourself with them. They tend to be repetitive…. when they do talk it's usually much about nothing… think of a dog running in circles chasing it's tail… that's comparable to having a conversation with a narcissistic sociopath. You walk away not having an in depth conversation, as it's a whirlwind of mumbo jumbo that spews from their lips leaving you further confused as to what just transpired. 

Common phrases of a Narcissist Parent or Ex: 

1. "I am an enigma." When my ex told me this a few years ago I thought it was odd but now looking back it speaks volumes about him. 
2. "You think you are so smart! Let's see you figure it out!" Smug superiority. 
3. "I don't know what you're talking about." Actually, yes he does… he's gas lighting you. Sociopaths excel at this. And from personal experience… once you educate yourself on gas lighting… and turn the tables and do it to them when they need something from you (in a very calm tone) it will nearly send them over the edge with frustration and they will lash out. Be careful doing this and don't if their prone to violence.
4. "There is nobody that will love you as much as I do!" Keeps you down. 
5. "Maybe you need to check the bible… that part about honoring your parent!" What they fail to own up to is how incredibly abusive they are. 
6. "Children should be seen, not heard." Classic one. Controller. 
7. "I never said that." When in reality he's twisting and lying; he really did. More gas lighting; wants you to doubt yourself and reality. Classic sociopath behavior. 
8. "Watch me! I can do whatever I want! You tell me not to, I will all the more!" Immature and comparable to a three year old boy having a temper fit. 
9. "I thought we were going to have this big family! And it's fallen apart!" Behaving like the victim which they love to do to reel you back in and gain sympathy. When in reality they were the constructor of the destruction and reason for the fall out. Takes zero responsibility. 
10. "This is all your fault! You can't be good!" Blames. Scapegoats his child for all the issues in the family. 

Signs of a Narcissistic Parent: 

1. Belittles the child's needs, feelings or ignores them outright. "No, you're fine. Stop it."
2. Uses the child to propel forward in life… whether it be for their beauty, smarts or talent… they will use their child in some way to build themselves up. They project onto the child what they wish them to be… following in their footsteps as a doctor, a rancher, an attorney, etc.
3. Self-centered… everything is about them… what they want to do, where they want to go on vacation, what they want to eat, what they want to watch etc.
4. Either controls with an iron clad fist or neglects their children… or alternates between the two… creating even more confusion and chaos; their child is always wondering exactly where they stand.
5. Takes credit for anything their child does well; achievements, talent, education, job, etc.
6. Loves babies, preschool age and up to about kindergarten age children. Because at these ages they have a captive audience and adoration; supply. But once past this age (latest first grade) they no longer know what to do with them and pull away leaving the child feeling confused and wondering if they did something wrong.
7. They may go through the basic motions of caring for their children if and when needed (like when the other parent is out of town, sick or in the case of divorce during their possession time) but never have the emotional connection needed to have a healthy relationship with their child.
8. Asking them questions or voicing opposition is a big no… they don't answer to anyone and least of all explain themselves to a child. This brings condemnation, yelling, rage and lashing out.
9. The older the child the more at risk they are for being abused because the parent sees them as a threat; they are becoming their own person with ideas and thoughts.
10. As the child grows a bit older (teen years) they begin to see their parent as mean, grouchy, cold, manipulative, a liar, a cheat, dishonest, two faced, cunning, selfish, child-like, a bully, vindictive, crazy, etc.

a short word about 
The Court System/Divorce/Child Custody:

The family court systems quite frankly for lack of a better word suck as they have no idea the extent of the damage sociopathic parents can do to their children. Judges, attorneys and yes, even the Ad Litem's are not typically schooled enough in psychology regarding narcissists, sociopaths, personality disordered individuals, which needs to change. They are typically so snowed by the cunning facade of the sociopathic parent they merely see a respectable good natured man standing before them in the courtroom… and the parent who is accusing them of being a sociopath will inevitably be viewed as the nut job… which in turn makes for an even more frustrating case for the caring, loving, emotionally healthy parent. It tends to make them more defensive, more attacking and ultimately everything that they truly aren't. A sociopath has the capability of bringing out the ugliest, darkest side of a normal healthy person… driving them to insanity, as they know exactly where to poke and pull the strings like on a puppet. If and when someone tells their attorney that their ex is a sociopath more than likely they will be met with an "Uh huh…", a dismissive nod, an appreciative laugh or even outright ignoring you… because so many people run into their attorney's office during their divorce proclaiming "My ex is absolutely crazy!!!" that many attorney's honestly don't believe them when in reality it may very well be true. 

A sociopath does not co-parent… 

they do the opposite of what you do on purpose. 


People tend to tell the victim: 
"And yet you stayed… so what's wrong with you?" 
They fail to understand that when married to a sociopath 
you are under their insidious hypnotic manipulation. 
You no longer know what's real 
and what's not because the sociopath twists reality. 
One minute you have an adoring
 husband and the next he is discarding you.

Shame on people for blaming the victim. 

It can feel isolating to have had a parent who is a narcissistic sociopath or to have been married to one, because so few people see it or even understand it. But once you realize what you've been through is zero reflection of you but instead that the sociopath is the unhealthy one… you can find affirmation, healing, peace…. and victory! 

There is a new chapter, a new life waiting for you filled with people are genuine, compassionate and kind. 

Have faith that you will prosper! 

© ~ 2013 

  1.  To My Readers: 

       Thank you for reading, 

       commenting and sharing! 


  1. Fascinating blog. I just found it - through a Facebook post by a friend.

  2. Jennifer -- I wonder what you think about how to handle my grown children and my (hopefully) soon-to-be ex. My daughter is 27 and married; my son is 23 and finishing college (soon, I hope! Mom is running out of money!)

    We actually somehow managed to be pretty good parents. I'm not sure how, since my head was spinning a lot of the time, but we did.

    I'm not as concerned about my son. He's a great guy, very empathetic, works as a coach and camp counselor while going to school. Dad never mistreated him in any way, but he really only showed a great deal of interest in him when he was a sports "star." Otherwise, he was MY child. (When I begged Daddy Dearest to stay home from a convention the week we came home from the hospital, his response was, "I'm just not as into that baby as you are." Umm, OK.) And when my son needed some extra cash to make his rent payment this month, I jokingly said, "So why don't you ask Dad to help you out?" He just laughed and said, "Because he won't. Duh."

    But I'm concerned about my daughter being hurt by him. She loves Daddy, and that feeds his ego. (I'm also very close to her husband, who has Daddy's number and is not fooled by him at all.) I've told her that I will not ask about her visits with her dad and just hope that if there is something I need to know, then she will tell me.

    Is that really about all I can do right now? My REAL self wants to tell her to get as far away from him as she can, but I know I can't do that. :(

    1. I hope your divorce is underway and finished soon… I'm also hopeful that your soon to be ex won't try to pull out the typical various tricks to make your daughter turn against you. I think you've done all you can at this point… she's grown… you've let her know you're there and if something awry with her dad comes up she can come to you about it. Anything more might be seen as too much? And push her away right toward him. Has she ever read any books on narcissism/sociopaths? Have you mentioned to her what he may be? Obviously her husband is tuned into the real him… which is helpful. Hopefully things will stay calm and amicable!

  3. She's a bit freaked out because she fears that she shares some personality characteristics with him. (She does, but not the hateful ones. ) So I gave her some info on NPD initially, but decided to back off for a while. I also offered to set up a session with my counselor if she ever feels the need.

    I suppose the best thing to do is sit back and wait for him to play his cards. We'll see how she reacts when he introduces her to the inevitable next wife. . .

    BTW, I'm staying "anonymous" for now because I can't risk any of this being public right now!

  4. Great post, especially the "common statements". You know I guess I keep looking for ways to find that I have misread hi m or that somehow I am, oh I don't know, "making a mountain out of a molehill" or something like that.

    Unfortunately what I keep finding out is that I really did marry a narcissist....and that has left me totally shaken and blown away. I guess I thought I was too savvy to get caught up by someone like him and damn, it stinks to realize that I was indeed "caught".

    In the past I know I have bantered about the term "narcissist" but until these past few months of indepth study, I never fully realized how insidious, pathological and dangerous a narcissist can be. Never again will I be so free with the word "narcissist".

    Statement #4 is/was made to me all the time...I say "was" because we are now in a "punishing" phase where he will only say he loves me to prove his superiority and to dole out some caustic comment.

    As he did this past Saturday when he made a lovely meal (I was working in my office and heard him in the kitchen but wasn't aware what he is doing) and then instead of wanting to share it with me, he brought me a tray and served me in my office. When I asked where he was going to eat, I was told "in my office since you don't appreciate a loving and doting husband....enjoy your dinner! You know I love you!"

    My immediate reaction was to toss the food, cry and confront him. Thank God I resisted....I was actually in the middle of a writing project for a client so I had to keep working, which served me well. It gave me the time to shed a few tears in solitude and then to realize if I brought the food down untouched, a HUGE battle would ensue, which is what he wanted.

    So I ate the meal in the peace and quiet of my office....hey, it tasted pretty darn good. I took the tray to the kitchen and thanked him for a delicious meal. I don't think he expected that, because I was supposed to have been guilted into making a scene, which I didn't do.

    The next morning when I came downstairs to prepare a crock pot meal for dinner on Sunday night, I glanced into the dining room. I noticed the table had been sprinkled with rose petals and a candelabra had been placed on the table....all scenes for a romantic dinner. Yet he never invited me to dine there..

    Since I wasn't sure if this was a passive agressive move on his part, I simply decided to ignore that as well....

    So when I find these articles, and when I look back on his behavior I know that regardless of how I try and convince myself otherwise, I am married to a narcissist.

    The next step is deciding what to do.....well I know what to do and that is leave but is it crazy to say I am not ready to do that yet? No, I have no hopes of him changing at all.....I guess I am just not ready to start over (we have been married for about 3 1/2 years) again YET. The time is coming, it just isn't here yet.

    1. I totally get what you're experiencing. I think this is really common, the doubt, it just creeps up on us and we begin to question if were really just blowing everything out of proportion. But then we start reading up on these behaviors and slowly see otherwise.... it's hard too when they then do nice things even if it's masked in an agenda to think they are sincere.

      I kept wondering why I always felt on edge around mine, never relaxed. I realize now because the hoops to jump through just kept getting higher... I was trying to keep it all together, placating and pleasing him.. But I had no idea what he was even though my dad is a narcissist... my ex presents slightly different, more sociopathic.

      I'm so relieved you know what he is.. and even if you aren't ready to leave, you can be better prepared when you do... I wish I'd some time to plan ahead better knowing what he was earlier in terms of money set aside and a career etc.

  5. Do you know of any firms that can help with dealing with an ex who has this disorder and more? Already divorced but it is becoming apparent that it is not in the best interest of our child to be with her 50% of the time. Late to school or missing because she wants to sleep in or is hung over from the night before. She encouraged her other son from another marriage to drop out from high school as she did. I am trying to savey son the best I can from this life but money (and her marrying again, for money) I feel out numbered. To also find someone who understands and can make the court see the effects this will have over time, if not immediately is hard to find.
    Thank you, love the blog. It really hits home for me.

    1. Hey there! Yes, if you're in the DFW area I hear that David Wynne is really good. I have no idea what his fees are. If not, I would check with One Moms Battle, they have a page on Facebook. You can private message them and ask for input on an attorney familiar with personality disordered exes specific to your location. They should be able to point you in the right direction. Thank you, and thanks for reading!

  6. I hate the "why did you stay or you stayed and there is no proof of abuse so there is no proof he abused you"! So frustrating. I am thankful for a great therapist who only sees women who are mainly abused. She shows you just how abused you have been and pulls you out of it on days that you can't get out of bed. She gives you her cell number to call whenever you need her. She has only been specializing in abused women for 20 year. She also has an attorney that works with these woman and she is tough. She does not allow the narcissistic abusing husband to bully her nor does she engage with them. We were in court over a week ago and my husbands attorney got in my face, he is too emotionally invested in this case because my husband can sue him for screwing up our separate maintenance papers. The judge was so mad that he looked at my husband and said "I don't think you realize that this is going to cost you more and for a lot longer than you ever thought!" Then the judge got up without saying a word and stormed out of the courtroom. Needless to say we will have the spousal support judgement next week. So now the hiding has to continue and I can never be alone. These men and their attorney's are scary creatures.

  7. Oh, Robin, totally agree… so often people think that just because there aren't bruises per se that the person hasn't been abused. Which is ridiculous. There are so many forms of abuse. I am so glad to hear you have such a great therapist, they are hard to find, but they do exist. I have recommendations for DFW and Broomfield/ Denver Colorado. Good, caring and insightful therapists are such a blessing.

  8. going through same ordeal. my fiancée / bf/ now he thinks he is to good to be with me after 14 yrs. I left him last year to go to WI. to be with my mom. I have gone through the blame game, it was all my, what was I trying to prove also ill never get anywhere with out him. all that he said to me I too his words with me to WI after 7 months I came back hm. I felt maybe I couldn't do it by my self and thought in mind he was right. for all intense of purpose I now know the manipulation and twisted words to make it sound and look like it was all my fault. it has been a hard journey for me. in the 14 yrs being together, my thinking pattern revolved around him. as of last night he said that im no long attractive to him nor is he physically and emotionally not there. wow!! im going to be 50 in a couple of weeks. he is 7 yrs younger then me. after 14 yrs this is a blow to my ego. he just bought a beautiful house and also in the last couple of week bought a red corvette. ugh :/

    1. I'm so sorry to hear of what he's done and what you've endured. It's amazing how we do cater our thinking to revolve around them yet ironically it's never enough for them. Our egos can be shattered with divorce; it's so weird to have this person adore you then begin to find fault with nearly everything... they will replace every person they are with, at the end of the day it's a never ending cycle of using others to make themselves feel better. You deserve someone who won't do that and I'm relieved to hear that you're beginning your new life and I hope for continued healing and plenty of people who "get it"

  9. Thank you for this. I'm finding that my father in law is all of what you have described above, he is now doing to same to our children. I refuse to allow them to be part of it.

    1. You're very welcome. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this with a family member... protecting your children is vital. I'm glad you know what you're dealing with. Best to you and your family.