One of the most, if not the most viewed posts I've written is: Is He A Narcissistic Sociopath? 20 Signs That post has had so many views I find myself cringing if this is not a reflection of where the world is… leaving me to bewilderingly wonder if indeed narcissistic sociopaths are becoming the majority and those who are high on empathy are being emotionally annihilated faster than we can all count to twenty. But… joking aside, this post is an important one.
The other day as I was replying to a few comments on that post I typed in so many words that… "narcissistic sociopaths cannot be helped, that they cannot change". Since that time I've felt a tugging conviction and I believe that is where this post is coming from. Some may not like this post… some may not like what I have to say and respond with harshness… but I believe this is something that needs to be said.
What I typed needs clarification.
A person may not be able to help a narcissistic sociopath change.
A therapist may not be able to help a narcissistic sociopath change.
But someone can help them.
God.
If God cannot help a narcissistic sociopath change, if He cannot help he or she in ways that only He can… if He cannot SAVE them… then how on earth can He help us either?
It would be putting a limit on God saying He cannot help a narcissistic sociopath.
My saying "Joe" or "Susie Q" etc or "a highly qualified therapist" cannot help a narcissistic sociopath may certainly hold true… however, God being incapable to help he or she who is broken?... I cannot say that. That's the difference. This is a post that has been a long time coming and in that I don't want any reader to believe for a minute that the tortuous pain, grief and manipulation they have been through… many of them years on end (myself included) is okay, permissible, etc… because it's not okay. I believe in distance, "no contact" and setting boundaries between a narcissistic sociopath and their target… it is essential for health and healing. At the same time… it is worth writing this post to point out that at no time can we say God can not save a narcissistic sociopath… that is entirely up to Him.
Narcissistic behavior is the stark polar opposite of the Christian faith… it only stands to reason to believe that when their core traits are those of manipulation, lying, image seeking, supply to feed themselves, etc that they won't go to God and admit their brokenness, their faults, failures, sin. Whereas the Christian faith is one of repentance… crying out to God seeking Him, His grace, favor, His forgiveness because we know we need it.
As children we may go through hurts, loss, pain and dysfunction as we live under the same roof of our families. We may endure horrific physical, sexual, verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic parent… some flee from their childhood homes unscathed minus many or a few scars and some unfortunately end up modeling after their narcissistic parent… embodying what they grew up with… they are sadly never able to seemingly find that acceptance, that love, that peace that they so desperately desired growing up… leading them to feeling inadequate, unlovable, abandoned. Whereas others may have found eventual healing from within from the unconditional love of Jesus… a wounded child with a broken heart that grows into a narcissistic adult may struggle believing that Christ truly loves he or she. But it's true… He loves and He wants to heal you… He didn't sit down and draw straws on who He was going to die for… the narcissist, a sinner, a broken individual is included.
"The King will reply,
'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these
brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'
Being a Christian is reflecting God's love for others… even when they are less than lovely… when we walk a path of care and let God's love pour out abundantly without restrictions, without limitations, without a choosing of who to give it to… this true love comes from God. Knowing Christ died for us on the cross long ago… way before we were even the apple of our mother's eye enables us to express love, mercy and prayer to others regardless of our all-human fickle feelings and our wondering if it will be returned. We can remember we don't have to get worked up about what the "other person"aka the narcissistic sociopath (or anyone, really) is going to do, what they are thinking, etc… we can just extend love even if it's from a distance.
And this is my prayer:
that your love may abound more and more…
that your love may abound more and more…
Philippians 1:9
In going to God and praying for a narcissistic sociopath we can humbly relay our concerns about the individuals behavior, about the damage they have done…. and then let it rest… trust that He will take care of it as He sees fit… we must not boss God around and state that He must get this person under control (!) tempting as that may be… (guilty here on a few occasions in the depths of frustration). He doesn't take orders from us whether our life is all sweet as pie at the moment or down in the dumps. But He does want us to pray… which we can do… pray to Him about what is causing us pain, what the person has done to hurt us or inflict chaos… we can go to Him and ask for comfort which He will readily give us… after that, the rest is up to Him.
Anyone who has lived a life either under the iron clad grasp of a narcissistic parent or has been married to one… even worked for one, etc… knows firsthand that life with them isn't easy… stress, anxiety, walking on eggshells, abuse and tears are rampant… and support is needed… at minimum distance or preferably "no contact" is needed and affirmation that you are not alone as well… that's why I've written so many posts on divorce, co-parenting and child custody related to narcissistic sociopaths… because knowing you're not alone is the very first step toward recovery from these toxic relationships… not to mention sharing the red flags of their manipulation we can hopefully prevent many other's become unwitting targets by becoming educated about the behavior. But in the pain we've experienced from a narcissistic sociopath (personality disordered individual) … when we go to God and ask for comfort, when we ask for help, when we ask for Him to wipe away our tears… let's also humbly pray to God not just for the oppressed... but for our oppressors.
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014
Malachi 3:5
I will draw near to you for judgment,
and I will be swift to bear witness against
the sorcerers, adulterers, and perjurers,
those who defraud the hired man of his wages,
against those who defraud widows and orphans;
those who turn aside the stranger,
and those who do not fear me, says the LORD of hosts.
New International Version
But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you
“The church is not a select circle of the immaculate,
but a home where the outcast may come in.
It is not a palace with gate attendants and challenging sentinels
along the entrance-ways holding off at arm’s-length the stranger,
but rather a hospital where the broken-hearted may be healed,
and where all the weary and troubled
may find rest and take counsel together.”
~ James H. Aughey
To My Readers:
Thank you for reading,
commenting and sharing!
Related Posts:
You Are Not Your Parents Choices: 5 Tips For All Parents
Confronting The "Other Woman"
Abused Wives: An Open Letter To Pastors
Sorry to be responding so much but I do need to share since my soon to be ex husband is a narcissistic sociopath.
ReplyDeleteI pray for him daily with my son and in my prayer time. I ask God to just give him more of Him. He has cursed God for 20 years and made fun of me and kids for believing. Crying was never allowed by my son or myself. So this past Sunday we were at church (we go to a small one and have for years). Guess who walked in, yep my husband (my daughter attends every Sunday but we rarely speak) and I was angry. Got my stuff and left. I came back when I thought "he has taken it all and he will NOT take my church or rob me of God!" We fought in the parking lot and I yep I later apologized to him. Why? I know some are asking is because if I deny him a way to God then am I any better than him. I surely do not want to answer to my Father for closing a door he opened. So, I will keep praying..more, give him more of you God. The rest is up to him and between him and God.
Bless your heart! I would of had exact same reaction, thanks for sharing and I will be praying for you! Going through the same, please pray for me too
DeleteI am finally sharing because the beautiful people on here understand. Thank you for your prayers..mine are with you as well.
ReplyDeleteThe Lord is our maker, He is our only hope! Thank you for your prayers, Sister! I know, no one understands! Such healing to know you and others confirm our situation! The Lord bless you, keep you, in His tender Love!
ReplyDeleteAs a Christian and a co-dependant personality it would take a book for me to tell what I have been through regarding social paths. Let me just say, pray for them yes, because we believe that God can do anything. But, in the mean time in order to have healing for the body, soul, and spirit, we must detach for our own sake. In in my opinion almost all social paths are doomed because they have no true empathy and without true empathy their words are lies. Actions speak louder than words, they are in capable of coming to the Lord in true contrition. They might act it because many of them are in church, that's one place where they feed. They want grace for what they do but refuse to give it back. The word says that those who give no mercy get no mercy. Again, pray yes, but detach.
ReplyDeleteJennifer,
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post and thanks for your blog. I have read and learned a lot about NPD over the past few years. One of my biggest struggles has been finding bloggers/writers who write with a Godly perspective. Moreover, this is the first article that I believe I've read about praying for a narcissist.
I'm about to delve into more of your articles as I sense that I will find some comfort in reading about the experiences of another believer who knows that we serve a God of the "impossible". For what is impossible with man is possible with God. I, too, believe that man cannot cure narcissism and that this is a job for God only.
However, I must admit that while I believe these things, it is still somewhat painful to have thoughts, while trying to heal, about how it seems that narcissists are getting away with something. And while I know these thoughts are carnal, they are there nonetheless. I also know the truth, which is that The Lord will avenge for me. He will repay. Of course we don't know what the "repayment" looks like and should not concern ourselves with what it looks like.
The most important thing is that we (both the narcissists and the victims) are delivered, healed and live a life that honors Jesus, the sacrifice He made, and the gift that He has given us. In the midst of the pain, I hold onto this. I know it will get better and that the pain and bitterness will eventually diminish. It's just during the "in the meantime" and during my wilderness period, when I have no one to talk to about this, that it is the most challenging.
I've read many articles and never commented until now. I'm not sure what it has done or will do for me or anyone that I've commented. But tonight, I needed this. So I thank God for you, Jennifer. I thank Him for using you as a vessel to pour into others. I pray that for all that I have endured and continue to endure that He will use me to encourage and edify others because of my pain. If I can be used to comfort one person, to dry one tear, or to help someone feel hopeful and glorify The Lord in the process, then it will all be worth it.
Be blessed,
SB
SB,
DeleteWhat you wrote so beautifully explains the aftermath we often find ourselves dealing with after a relationship with a narc/sociopath...."I know the bitterness will eventually diminish. It's just during the "in the meantime" and during my wilderness period, when I have no one to talk to about this, that it is the most challenging."
That is so true... it's a process like any healing process and even though each day, week, month etc the bitterness, anger and sorrow begins dissipating... we may struggle with having few to no people in real life around us that can relate to the horror(s) we've endured... I believe that's why the Internet can be such a blessing and used for good. It connects us to people no matter what the challenge or situation that can relate... and provides affirmation that yes, we did go through something that wasn't healthy, that was indeed toxic and we aren't alone. Its incredibly saddening for someone not educated on narcissism to invalidate an experience a target has had with a narc/sociopath when they are still trying to come to terms that what they lived was truly real; the gas lighting, the crazy making etc... when their doubt is still toying with them and they are in the early stages of finding their way to peace, no contact and self care. Each of us deserve a love that is respectful and adds joy to our life... we are meant to love one another and lift each other up. It's often when we hit rock bottom we realize that only the Lord can provide the highest love we seek.
No matter what we endure the Lord is with us...
ready to give comfort and a new beginning.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 ESV
~ Jennifer
I have found myself searching for answers regarding the recent passing of my ex boyfriend. He and I spent five agonizing years together before i finally realized what was going on with him, he was a narcissist/sociopath capable of extreme violence. I spent two more years trying to help him, as you know, this almost destroyed me. If not for my strong faith and character I too could be dead.
ReplyDeleteHis death was eleven months after his brother was forced to shoot him in self defense after a life and death fight. This is something my ex had spoke of eight months prior, on the day I was finally strong enough to break the cycle and end the relationship for good.
To attempt to explain to someone exactly how difficult my struggle has been for the last twenty months is impossible. I have prayed, studied, cried, spent most of my time in solitude and still even now I feel that same ill feeling in my stomach when I remember the atrocious things he did to me, and that allowed him to do. My first order of business was to accept that if I had been healthy mentally myself, I would have left him the very first time I saw his narcissist behavior come out.
Now, one of my final steps is trying to understand whether he was truly saved prior to his passing. I was told through his family members that he was saved and asked for forgiveness but yet they also claim that he was still so very angry and vengeful. How can both be true? How can the beauty and peace that His graces grant us co-exist with anger, vengeance and hatred?
I had waited on a phone call, i kept thinking, if he had truly been saved and accepted Jesus Christ into his heart then he would call me or ask to see me so he could at least apologize for some of the acts he took out on me. But alas, no call, and yet worse there were more lies told of me even from his hospital death bed, blaming me for demons he said I placed on him that were the reasons for his torture.
After an eleven month battle to live, after improvement, and the final surgery just days away, he choked to death alone.
I had always believed God saved him from death the day of the shooting to save his soul, God wanted him, but I dont believe he could ever be honest enough with himself to allow truth in his heart, he would have to admit all the things I ever said were true, and this would never happen. NEVER.
So please, if possible explain, can the word of God and such black hatred co exist within a man, is it possible he was saved? I only wanted peace for him, and i fear even in death he will not know this. He hit the ground with family lies and they laid him in the ground with even more, everything in between was so much pain. Help me understand.
God is the Narcissist Healer. Sometimes I want to say Slayer, because we all know how difficult they can make our lives. Some of us attract them because we are merciful, want to heal, and forgive. I often wonder why God allows Narcs to roam the earth. I think we'd all be safer with dinosaurs, because at least we can detect them easily. But yes, I am one who believes "all things are possible" with God. Nothing, not even conscience-less or soul-less Narcs, are too difficult for God. I firmly believe this, even without ever seeing one get healed. I just figure, if God can CREATE the conscience, can he not HEAL an impaired or absent one? Of course He can. The question is, will he. I'd love to see Him heal the one I love... it's so unconditional, so almost illogical... but then, love often is crazy and stupid, right?! Even though he's hurt me, whether intentionally or not, I still pray for him. And I need healing too, because I am co-dependent, I have self-love deficit, due to a Narc father. Thank you God, please answer all our prayers and give us patience to endure and strength to hold on until that time. Amen!
ReplyDelete