Monday, June 2, 2014

Divorce & Matt Walsh: Not All "Change" Is Merely A Challenge

Matt Walsh recently wrote a blog post posted on May 29th, 2014 titled:
 My Wife Is Not The Same Woman That I Married. 

Matt Walsh shows his naiveté in this post regarding divorce and as he may very well have great intentions... as the second portion about his wife is beautiful… in the first half he writes about how divorced folks today take marriage not-so-seriously… and instead intimates at their finalization they are seemingly ready to celebrate; slice their divorce cake, pop champagne and dance on the tables. Perhaps they are in some cases but to make a blanket assumption about divorced individuals is far from accurate.

He hasn't been divorced.
He hasn't walked that path.
He hasn't known that pain.
He is no better than you and me.

People don't wear a badge of honor 
because their married and 
someone else is divorced. 

Likewise just because someone is legally married does not mean for a second they are in a successful marriage. How do we define a successful marriage? A legal marriage does not constitute a marriage filled with love and selflessness. This is not automatic. Numbers don't matter. People don't give much or any credit to someone saying they've been married 3 years, 5 years or even ten. Their like a baby… and might as well be wearing diapers. There are couples who have been married 20, 35, 50 years and are miserable. There are spouses in these longterm marriages who have endured horrible abuse…  whether emotionally or physically or perhaps both. Can we call those marriages successful? No. Hands down they aren't. Marriage should be a reflection of love… of Jesus… and where abuse resides under a roof Christlike love doesn't. 

per Matt Walsh… 

"Divorcing someone because they change?
You might as well divorce them because they breathe".

Many of us that have divorced have done so due to highly toxic marriages… relationships that perhaps began somewhat good… maybe even great… but soon after the "I do's" or some years later the union began spiraling downward… as one spouse CHANGED… but not regular change… not healthy change… not growth… not becoming better or even just different but instead… change due to...

Sociopathic Traits
Abusive Behavior
Criminal-prone actions
Deviant Behavior

Without a doubt we all change as we journey through life… and for many successful marriages the changes are of two people who are striving for personal greatness individually and as a couple. They are encouragers, they are cheerleaders, they are supportive and lift each other up… not one person pulling the other one down causing despair, chaos and grief.

I can tell you that anyone who has been through a marriage filled with dysfunction at best… but more accurately abuse… they are divorcing because they've suffered a long time. This was a long road, this was a road riddled with a weary "I have to keep trying" and a resolute "I won't give up"… and even cries of "God? Are you there?" Divorce is not the easy way out by any means. Divorce isn't for wimps or sissies. We don't divorce because someone changed in a way that doesn't fit our "comfort zone" as Walsh put it. I don't know any woman or man for that matter who finds the "challenges" of living with someone emotionally unstable or narcissistic or that lies and cheats something that can be merely chalked up to as out of their "comfort zone". There will always be true challenges in marriage yet there are also behaviors ie; actions that shouldn't be happening… that violate the very foundation of trust between two people… that threaten the very core of the union. Actions chosen by one spouse like domestic violence, stonewalling, gas-lighting, infidelity and more are not challenges easily dealt with or that even should be. There are repercussions to all of these actions… bruises and broken bones, psychological distress, sexually transmitted diseases, setting an unhealthy example of love for your children and more. Let's keep in mind that people who have divorced didn't go into marriage desiring divorce to be the outcome… no matter what belief you have, no matter what your faith.

I believe people of all walks of life and a wide spectrum of life circumstances need reaching out, they need support and they need to feel like they are not in their hurt alone. People no matter what age, race, sex or background, they want to feel like they belong… that they matter. And you do. You're divorced. So what? God may hate divorce for what it does… for the pain it causes and it grieves Him. But He doesn't hate you.

 I certainly didn't utter my wedding vows with the thought I would ever be signing divorce papers one day. When our dreams are shattered we aren't dancing on tables, or making toasts, were often watching dreams go down the drain that we looked forward to for a lifetime. Today, looking back at seven year old me… playing Barbies, building with Lincoln Logs and making mud pies in the backyard, I never ever would have guessed I'd be divorced one day. Never in a million years. As a little girl I wanted to get married and live happily ever after. As a little girl every Christmas my family would load up in the family car and drive across town… every year in December at Christmastime the residents along the lake on the west side would put up light displays. The various displays would twinkle, their colors reflecting off the water, shimmering in the moonlight. Our vehicle would slow to a stop and we'd peer out at the beautiful lights in awed silence. All the magnificent homes would be lit up in the background… and as we'd make the turn around the corner to pass by the homes… I always thought to myself… one day… I hope one day I live here, in this neighborhood… in one of these homes… I want the windows lit with light and laughs within. I want memories and extended family… I want the Currier and Ives moment.

I want the fairy tale.

You know what?

I got it. 

I grew up.
I got married.
I had kids.
I lived in that neighborhood.
I had the lights on the lake at Christmas.
The windows were lit up every night like a beacon of hope.

Yes, I had everything.


but love. 

© ~ 2014 

To my readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing

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