In Bed With A Narc: The Sound Of Silence

“The Bedroom” by jk1991 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

spring 2016

names have been omitted in this post 

**************

We sat in my SUV with our seats reclined… the sunroof opened to the night sky… stars twinkled overhead and the evening breeze swept through our shared space. The silence between us albeit the radio playing softly was comfortable and not one that had to be filled with unnecessary chit chat for filler but instead were like long thoughtful pauses that loosely strung one beautiful expression to another. Our stomachs were full from a quick impromtu dinner at IHOP…we shared a love for breakfast and deep conversations… we held no filters and could talk for hours about any subject… it was both liberating and comforting.

"You remember how you told me sex was one sided with him?" He asked me referring to my ex… "How it was about what he wanted? Not about pleasing you?"

I nodded "Yeah…"

He glanced over at me with care. "It got me to thinking. You know you deserve better, right? You know whoever you're with should want to do that for you… to please you?" He asked me.

"Yeah…" I replied. "I know that now… and to be fair initially in the beginning of our marriage he initiated oral sex… but it wasn't comfortable. Call it inexperience or being asthmatic but it was more like a wind tunnel experience than pleasurable."I grimaced. "I just said forget it. I didn't have the patience at least back then for him to figure it out… but looking back now…" I reflected… "Now I realize the other part of it… I didn't want him to. I kept myself closed off to some extent… when someone is always "checking out the menu" when you're out in public, when someone doesn't pay the taxes for three years and you have the IRS tailing you, when you have someone who they've chosen as their best friend that actually had the audacity to say "The worse you treat women the more they want you"… Um, yeah… you just don't really want to be vulnerable with that person." I shook my head. "Why would you feel safe letting them see you at one of your most private and vulnerable moments? How can you feel safe and loved to allow them to bring you to orgasm? You don't. So you close yourself off." I fiddled with my ring of an eagles head on my right hand, twirling it… "So you go without…" I shrugged, my words trailing into silence but within me feeling the grief of more than a decade of being cheated out of the physical connection I'd missed out on. It was bewildering that so much time had passed and so much of what could have been was lost. Lyrics to a song playing ever so softly filtered through the interior, the trees nearby rustling in the breeze, ruffling my hair….

"Fools," said I, "you do not know

Silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you

Take my arms that I might reach you."

But my words like silent raindrops fell

And echoed in the wells of silence…"

"The Sound Of Silence" - Disturbed
(originally by Simon & Garfunkel)


Silence… the kind that divides, the kind where there is a lack of understanding and communication… the kind that makes people feel alone. Like a cancer, that kind of silence slowly worsens and grows into an incurable disease between husband and wife. Before long… you realize that you're in a relationship with someone who is incapable of love and emotionally inept. Someone who is incapable of making you feel treasured. Who is incapable of satisfying you physically. You realize you've wasted years… years on end with someone who was in it for themselves… and you feel jipped. You long for what you never got with someone who will love you with their whole heart, body and soul…  and for now it only exists in your dreams.

"Yeah…" He nodded. "I can see that. You shouldn't settle. The guy should want to make you happy, to please you and figure out what he needs to do to do that. He shouldn't be just focused on himself. He should be a giver… because if he's pleasing you… he will be pleased." He shrugged… "That's just the way it works." He said simply.

"You are such the sexpert…" I giggled, playfully swatting his arm. "You should write a book."

He grinned. "I'm working on one. Hey… I'm no saint. I've been around the block a few times. But I can tell you I want the next woman, my wife, to be my last. And pleasing her is not just my job but my pleasure." He glanced at the time on the clock… "What time do you need to get back?"

I glanced at the time. "I better get going. I promised my mom I'd be home soon. Were gonna watch a Hallmark movie." I smiled.

He nodded, smiled and opened his door, slipping out. Holding the passenger door open a crack he spoke. "Enjoy your movie… IHOP again?" He asked, his eyes twinkling in the dark at me.

I nodded. "Most definitely. I'll text you." I told him.

"Okay… bye, beautiful" He smiled and shut the door. I turned the key in the ignition and watched him walk away in the moonlight to his vehicle before I drove away.

*****************

Sex with a narcissistic sociopath is one-sided no doubt. It's not about a mutually satisfying emotional, physical and even spiritual connection with someone they love. A man or woman with a personality disorder views sex as all about them.

When someone is healthy they not only value their partner but they value wanting to please them, value wanting to find out what makes them tick, what satisfies, what is romantic, what is a turn on for them. Both partners should have respect for one another… intimacy cannot grow and thrive without it. Complete trust and and open honest communication is a must as well… being able to articulate exactly what you need is essential for couples to have the intimacy they have imagined having one day with the one they love. Holding back desires and needs, faking climax and the like are not conducive to having a close, intimate relationship that bonds two together.

Sadly, very often with a narcissistic sociopath the sound of silence in the bedroom is loud and clear, impossible to ignore. 

The reason for this is due to the inability to effectively get what one needs from a personality disordered individual. You can say "I need x,y,z…" all night long but he or she isn't going to be willing to deliver. He or she will complain that "it takes too long, "takes too much effort", whatever myriad of excuses they can come up with. There isn't love emanating from the narc for the one their with. Instead it's a seeking of domination…. a sexual conquest powered by their ego needing a boost or even yikes (!) a quick way to release all their days, weeks, lifetime worth of frustrations and stress by using you. It's not about making love as God designed between a married man and woman. It's about control and only them. If you find yourself in a marriage where your partner (man or woman) is only about satisfying themselves and you're continually going without… at minimum new ways of communicating need to begin taking place. However, if you a woman experiencing signs of being with a narcissistic man  or you're a man who suspects he may be married to a narcissistic woman… it's time to seek help… through a therapist you can begin developing an exit plan.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

The Epidemic Of Narcissism Cashiers Deal With

With so many posts on narcissists and sociopaths it's only fitting that at some point the general rudeness and self-entitlement that is seen in today's society be addressed. Especially when it comes to the world of retail. Having any job that involves customer service may very well mean also being exposed to a variety of toxic behaviors by those who believe themselves to be superior on some level or another. In case you're not aware you're not any better than the person standing behind the register, taking your food order or helping you with your account. One of the biggest signs of sociopathy is treating those in the service industry as less than; with behaviors that demean and show dismissiveness. (If you're dating someone who exhibits these behaviors it's past time to cut ties with them). Hopefully you won't realize you've been guilty of any of these… if so you have the ability to become more self aware… and if you've been on the receiving end of any… you have my deepest and sincerest heartfelt empathy. 

What Your Cashier Thinks: 

1. Please finish all of your shopping before you check out. It's rude to expect everyone in line (and the cashier) to wait while you play "I pick you" amongst the various items in your cart at the checkout. That's why shopping is called shopping and checking out is called checking out. 

2. Having to void an item out that you've changed your mind about can be a big deal. It can go against the employee. Please know exactly what you plan to purchase before your cashier begins ringing up your items. 

3. Rolling up with a hundred dollar bill at 9 am for a three dollar purchase is not cool. And no, your cashier likely doesn't have change in the register drawer. Expect to wait for your change. 

4. You chronically return everything you buy… or 80-90% of what you buy. Your cashier is not amused. They think you're inept at shopping… and you shop too much. Find a new hobby. 

5. Cashiers love it when you bring your own bags… it saves the environment. Just please make sure they are clean. 

6. Not everything you purchase should be returned. That platter for your sister's baby shower you served cup cakes on and has frosting stuck to it? If you've used it and then you return it… that's called stealing(!). Cashiers notice. And remember you. 

7. Returning a used toilet bowl brush set? Really? Does this need further explanation? 

8. Don't ask when your cashiers shift ends. Don't be a creep. 

9. Don't flirt with the cashier if you're married. Don't flirt period.  

10. When your cashier greets you and asks how you're doing and you ignore them... you're rude. 

11. When you stay on your cell phone during the entire transaction and never acknowledge your cashier (note: cashiers are humans with feelings... shocking, I know) they think you're some of the lowest of society.

12. When your cashier asks if you found everything alright, offers a promotional item, a credit card or savings card please don't be rude. This is often expected at every transaction by management and if they don't meet the expected quota they can lose their job. 

13. Please teach your children to stay seated in the cart. When your child attempts to leap from the cart, hang out like a monkey, etc… it makes cashiers extremely nervous. Yes, kids do fall from shopping carts. It's scary. 

14. If your cashier offers a cookie, a ring, sticker, etc to your child please teach them to say "Thank you". When you don't cashiers see a continual future decline of society. 

15. Do not wipe your drippy nose with your hands, tissue etc and then reach in your wallet to hand them cash. You're gross. Period. 

16. Do not sneeze or cough on the cashier. This is about basic manners. Use the crook of your arm to sneeze and cough into and turn your head away. They don't want your cold. 

17. Don't leave your shopping cart at the register when you leave. Your parents should have taught you to put things back where you got them. Learn it now. Follow it. 

18. Do not give your children items in the store to play with that are for sale. You're failing your kids (teaching self-entitlement) and costing everyone money when it gets damaged. Bring something from home for them to entertain themselves with. 

19. Do not crowd the person at the checkout. It's rude to both the person checking out and the cashier who then feels pressured to hurry more. Be mindful of other's space. 

20. If you don't want your items wrapped and bagged that's fine. But if they break don't blame your cashier.

21. When your cashier is going to the effort to ensure all your items are wrapped well please refrain from sighing, tapping your fingers, rolling your eyes and checking the time on your watch. It's rude. 

22. Please don't ever say: "I don't know how you don't spend all of your paycheck here! There are so many cute things!" You just dropped $50-$1500 on decorative stuff, clothes, bath products, etc. Cashiers are likely making $9 an hour… at part-time that's at most $200 a week (if lucky). How much of that do you think they are gonna blow on frivolous shopping? Your "innocent" comment is rude and insensitive. It's time to get a clue and come on down to earth. Cashiers are often the divorced mom, single mother, second income earner… be aware that likely every penny counts. 

23. Cashiers want you to have a good experience when you shop. Please do the survey on your receipt and let them know you appreciate them. Many companies give extra perks whether it's gift cards, bonuses, lunch, etc to reward their employees for positive feedback. It's always appreciated. 

24. Some companies occasionally ask their customers to donate to charities they are supporting. Cashiers understand if you feel charity should be done at discretion and not publicly or announced. They can see your point but please don't take it out on the cashier… cashiers are expected to ask each and every customer. 

25. Do not toss your credit card at the cashier. Or your money. Be respectful. 

26. Cashiers run a register not a bank. They typically cannot make change for you. 

27. Cashiers are not responsible for watching your purse, wallet, sunglasses, kids, keys, phone etc. When you walk away it's your responsibility to make sure you have all your things and peeps. 

28. Your item doesn't have a price, doesn't ring up properly or at all. You: "It's free then!" Eye roll. Cashiers have already heard that one twenty times in one week. It lost it's humor way back. 

29. The cashier offers you the opportunity to apply for a store credit card. You say: "Oh no! My husband would KILL me!!" (cashiers hear this all the time) Um... okay. Awkward. This response needs to stop. First, if you're in a controlling marriage please seek help. Being a kept woman is not attractive nor sending your sons and daughters a positive message. This is 2016. Secondly, women need to stop saying things that are not self-empowering. Your husband is not your keeper. You're a grown adult. Not a dependent child. If YOU don't want a credit card simply state so. If you're in a relationship where your husband resembles an ogre, again... please seek help. 

30. When your cashier has bagged your items please promptly take them and put them in your cart. Letting the bag remain on the counter (in the way) while they try to finish bagging remaining items and/or wrap them is annoying to the cashier. Be in the moment. The sooner your cashier can finish the sooner you can be on your way.

31. Your cashier is there to greet you, ring up your items, wrap them if necessary, bag them, ensure you get your receipt and thank you. It's a pretty simple process. Niceties are a necessity yes, but also efficiency. Likely they have a line of customers waiting... and don't have the time to hear your life story. 

32. You have multiple returns with multiple receipts. And guess what? You don't know which items go with which receipts. Way to go! You hand the cashier a whole mess of crumpled receipts and expect them to sort it all out. (You don't even want to know your cashiers mental narrative in this moment). This takes time away from the other customers; namely, paying customers. Your self-entitlement is glaringly obvious. Sort out your mess at home and be prepared when you make returns.  

33. There is a difference between a breezy/friendly asking of "How are you?" to your cashier and a "How are you?" with a tone attached that implies you're picking a fight and want to cause trouble. Move along and get a life. 

34. Your cashier hands you your receipt at the end of the transaction and you don't take it. Take the receipt! If you want it in your shopping bag take it from the cashier and put it in your bag. Alternatively you SNATCH(!) the receipt from the cashier because you're a passive aggressive creep. 

35. If you're a woman shopping with your husband and he expects the female staff to load a heavy piece of furniture into his truck... news flash; you're married to a pathetic piece of scum. That's not a man. A man steps up and puts his muscles to work!

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

Broken Hearted: An Example Of Co-Parenting With A Toxic Ex

“Multiple Fracture At Index,little Finger,metacarpal Bone” 

by stockdevil via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

April 2016

names have been omitted in this post 

**************

Thursday April 21 
3:45pm 
"Okay, so I'm looking at the x-ray and her fingers not broken. But I'm going to give her this buddy tape to keep her pinkie stabilized with her ring finger. Keep this on for three weeks. No more basketball… no gym or sports. And in three weeks we will want to see her back here for a follow-up." The Pediatrician told me regarding my daughter. I nodded and confirmed I understood the directions and we soon departed the doctor's office and headed to Target to pick up essentials for dinner.

5:33pm 
Sent message to ex stating daughter's left pinkie finger got bent playing basketball at school. Stated it was swollen and bruised and had been treated with ice and Advil. Stated she had had x-rays and they recommended her finger be buddy taped for three weeks. No response.

Friday April 22 
3:00pm
Daughter returns to her father for the week.

Saturday April 23 
10:00am
Pediatrician's office calls that her finger is broken after all and that they will be referring us to an Ortho doctor for further treatment.

11:07am
Sent ex message that the Pediatrician's office called. No response. I call him and state the situation. I FaceTime our daughter that afternoon and tell her. He hadn't even mentioned it to her.

Monday April 25
1:39pm
Ex messages asking if I've heard from the doctor.
I message back no I haven't.
His response: She needs to get back in to the doctor, please let me know what you find out.
My response: I'll call them.

4:27pm
I message him: Here is the number for the Ortho doctor. They have her file and all you need to do is set an appt. Since you have her this week you can set the appt since you know your schedule. No response.

Tuesday April 26 
8:32am 
I message him to let me know what the doctor says.
He responds he's called twice to arrange an appt but there has been no response.
I respond: I gave them your number to set an appt.
His response: If you talk to a doctor please set an appt.
I respond: All I was able to reach on the phone was an answering service rep.

Wednesday April 27 
4:51pm
I send him a message asking if he ever got an appt set for her. No response.

6:27pm 
He messages me that the doctors office called and said they could make an appt on Friday but I'll be out of town so I gave them your number and they can call you to schedule an appt.

6:35pm
I message him back noting his unavailability and failure to have made her a priority. Also that having that information he should have gone ahead and scheduled her an after school appt to ensure getting her in as soon as possible… but noting that now the doctor's office is closed.

<<<< a cussing rant-a-thon ensues by me in my kitchen as I process the fact he allowed an entire week to go by with her in his care/possession without getting her finger re-assessed… the frustration and worry for my daughter mounting… knowing we have a limited amount of time to get it taken care of and anger at him for being a negligent father.>>>>

Thursday April 28 
8:07am
I first call the Pediatrician's office and speak with the nurse to ensure they are aware he did not follow through on his week and get her in to Ortho. They document it and the nurse states she doesn't understand what his issue is. I smirk at that. I then make a second call before work to set an appt for our daughter but I'm informed that all appointments have been filled and now there is nothing available until the following week on Tuesday at 9:30am.

4:23pm
After work I call a new doctor with better availability (and easier to reach) and get an Ortho appointment set for our daughter for the next day; Friday afternoon. I call my manager at work to inform her that unfortunately I will have to leave work early the following day to get my daughter in to the doctor. I had already had to lose one day's worth of pay because my garage door had broken earlier that week and I couldn't get out. It wasn't like me to have to miss work… I work even when I'm sick if need be. I apologize for the inconvenience and she states she knows it's been a bad week and that it's okay.

Friday April 29 
8:16am 
Messaged ex and stated her appt time at 1:15pm that day.

11:00am 
I leave work early and lose hours/pay and rush to pick daughter up early from school and then to retrieve the x-rays from the Pediatrician's office en-route to the Ortho doctor. Once at the doctor he takes new x-rays and recommends it remain buddy taped for at least two more weeks and to set a follow-up appointment.

Daughter informs me every day she asked her dad when she was going back to the doctor. He continued to tell her that he had called the doctor's office. Then on Thursday he told her that he wouldn't be able to take her to the doctor after all because he was leaving for London to meet his fiancé who had flown ahead; that they were planning to see her daughter's communion once there. She told me he had chosen to put Georgina's daughter ahead of her and that he didn't care about her finger or her. She stated that in any other situation especially regarding her brother he would take charge and done whatever he needed to but when it came to her he didn't care.


This is a typical example of how a narcissistic sociopath operates and lets us down. It's also a typical example of how frustrating it is to attempt to co-parent with a personality disordered individual… these types of scenarios are common for both sexes dealing with those who do not put their children's best interests first. They aren't reliable to those who are dependent upon them or counting on them to do the right thing. Children are always let down; namely if they are the black sheep. Children are chronically broken hearted knowing their parent doesn't love them… they see it by the actions shown to them. Life brings all sorts of obstacles and disasters both big and small… and yet the sociopath is unwilling to do anything but kick you when you're already down. You mean nothing to he or she and their cruelest behavior is highlighted when you always need them most. They will throw kinks in whatever you're trying to do to better a situation. They will switch loyalties like the wind. You're likely expecting them to behave or react as one should… with concise clear steps to help however they can, to jump in with hustle and to show empathy. 


It won't happen.
They will do everything in their power to make it worse.
They will twist and spin and say it's your fault it didn't turn out how it should have.
They will deflect and blame you instead.
They will not take responsibility.
They will not apologize.
They will continue to be the sorry negligent abusive piece of scum they excel at being.
Yes, it comes natural.
It's all they know.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

The Narcissistic Parent ~ Guiding Your Child: 10 Tips

image via gps-gracepowerstrength 

As the child of a narcissist…
You grow up feeling unheard.
You grow up feeling unseen.
You grow up feeling forgotten.
You grow up feeling not wanted.
You grow up feeling not loved.


I lived like this most of my childhood when it came to my father.
If it hadn't been for my mother's empathetic example I don't know what would have become of me.
I likely would have taken after my father; being led to believe that everyone operated as he did… because I wouldn't have had any other point of reference.

I scrutinize and reflect and second guess myself constantly. Having ADHD I do believe can sometimes make someone come across as narcissistic even if they aren't. If we forget our appointments (shocking) and always have to reschedule (ugh!) it can begin to be viewed as narcissistic; no regard for the doctor, the dentist, the therapist, right?!… when in reality we feel deep guilt, embarrassment and give ourselves another mental scolding! You've GOT to do better! Get it together! What is the MATTER with you?! Having issues regarding regulating our impulses in the brain goes with ADHD; creating issues for us when we really want to let someone have it verbally… who has probably pushed us to our breaking point and driven us batty. Sometimes it's like pulling nails to keep a lid on it so to speak. And when it slips (watch out, yikes) it can make us appear narcissistic; "Wow! She said what?!", "He did what?! Well, I don't know what's gotten into them! Obviously they aren't the 'nice' person I THOUGHT they were!" But ADHD is not a diagnosis of being morally flawed, lacking empathy etc. It's about restlessness, difficulty focusing and impulse issues. Naturally anyone diagnosed with ADHD or even Bipolar could also be diagnosed as personality disordered. But having ADHD or Bipolar does not automatically mean you're narcissistic. Having ADHD requires a lot of self care and time to re-charge because quite frankly if we aren't medicated… it's at minimum three times more exhausting just to get through a typical day compared to regular functioning folks. Throw in trying to keep a job, (and being right with Jesus, mind you) navigating traffic (does anyone use a blinker anymore? And why do some people believe the brake is gas?! And obviously some people never learned in kinder that green means GO!) and then all the little annoying things that always seem to get forgotten like mailing your health insurance payment, calling the doctor for that appointment and getting your sticker updated on your vehicle (I literally told a cop once innocently but honestly enough: "Well, Officer, I'm really sorry. I've been super busy and it totally slipped my mind." Him: "For SIX MONTHS??? You were busy for SIX MONTHS?!" Ummm, yes I was, I really don't know where the time went… ***bright red face and wanting to shrink into the seat*** (Welcome to the world of ADHD) … it's like pulling nails for most of us to just make it day to day sans medication… we don't have enough focus to put it on anything for more than two seconds.


It seems to go with the territory of having been raised by a narcissist that you're suspected of being one. And were raised to be on our own so to speak… you learn from a young age to be self-reliant, to "figure it out", and not ask for help. With a narcissist help is never free. You always pay later. So you learn not to receive help. Not to ask. Then you feel like an island. Alone. You so badly don't want to become what you knew growing up that you're at times fearful; questioning if maybe you don't have enough empathy… you may begin to feel like you are selfish, defective and unlovable…  throw in the fact that with the PTSD you can often feel emotionally numb… you've been through so much that the sweet emotions of happiness and joy just don't seem as happy and joyful as they should (or as they did once upon a time). Instead joy and happiness feel more subdued versus vibrant… more like when you're coming out of anesthesia and melancholy is your name… a fuzzy, quiet, sober thoughtfulness that cascades over joy and dampens it a bit.


But the thing is…  those who are willing and ready to seek therapy are very often the ones who often take the brunt of the blame for any problems they might have; including those in their relationships. The narcissist, however is the one who believes therapy is for everyone but them. They may initially go to "appease" their partner but at some point the therapy will be for the healthy one… the one who has self-reflection, who has empathy, who has a desire to grow and develop. The healthy one will ultimately enter therapy to figure out how to "deal" with the narcissist. In a healthy relationship there is the mutual sharing of ideas, celebrations, dreams, joys, losses, goals, problems to resolve, etc. But in a relationship where one individual is narcissistic the only person of importance is the narc. The non-narcissist was raised to always cater to their narcissistic parent… thus they have been trained to always put what their partner wants first… essentially disappearing in the relationship; they dance around the narcissist losing who they are as an individual. The non-narcissist tends to have difficulty setting boundaries and being assertive… or at least until it's so bad that they explode… then feel enormous guilt for "losing it" when in reality they finally set a long overdue boundary that many would have set initially way back. There is much inner turmoil and conflict within the non-narcissist because they have anger toward the narc who is always taking and taking… yet on some level the non-narc is frustrated and angry with themselves because the last thing they ever want to be characterized as is selfish… hence not setting boundaries so as not to be seen as "mean."


Growing up with a narcissist… it's like this odd dance of where you waffle between being given negative attention; being yelled at etc, and just being ignored… neglect happens a lot. There is little to no positivity… and if there is… it feels put on and not genuine. They may use their children to brag to others and or take credit for their accomplishments. Being heard doesn't happen in being the child of a narcissist. I grew up never feeling heard and if I was ever upset about anything I was told by my father I was behaving as "high strung." If there is more than one child surely one will be chosen as the golden child and another the black sheep. The golden child is viewed as one who can do no wrong and likely to follow in the narcissistic parent's footsteps. They are an extension of the narc's identity and give adoring supply to their ego. Unless you do something to get yourself knocked off the pedestal… like being the eldest, the willful one, the outspoken one. I was once upon a time the golden child but as I became older and realized how I was being used to puff up my father's ego I slowly began showing more and more disgust for him, openly challenging and questioning him and his actions. I rebelled. Not knowing what to do with me he was at his wits end… he turned to my youngest sister and soon she became the revered golden child instead and I… the black sheep. But he used her… bragging to acquaintances that he was paying for her to attend the local expensive four year christian university to assuage his fragile ego. After she passed away he slowly began realizing all he had was me… (that must have been a huge disappointment) as he had disowned my middle sister when she married. Me, the black sheep suddenly looked like all the supply he would be able to attain. How he would have to "settle". But I saw how I was still not being treated well. I could sell a painting as quickly as I could snap my fingers… and yet when I put my hand out for my commission suddenly he was busy, MIA, what have you… "I'll get it for you later…" came his reply. And yet later never came. Finally having had enough I pulled out of the family business and said goodbye to everything my family had built for generations. Sometimes having to say goodbye isn't an overnight decision. Sometimes it's made many many times… you say goodbye and then try again… only to realize that goodbye was the right choice.. again… time passes and then you dip your toe in AGAIN… (it's that fervent hope that your family will exude a healthy love time and time again) it can take years, maybe decades to disentangle yourself from the toxic web of family and realize that every time you go back you get stung again… and eventually say enough and never ever return.

March 2016 

names have been omitted in this post 

******************

"So he was making us go on a walk and I didn't want to go because we were dog sitting and that neighbors dog was going to jump all over me and I don't like that so I told Daddy no, I wasn't going. I wanted to stay in my room." My daughter confided in me regarding her dad as we sat in the den. The partially open plantation shutters to our right revealed a setting sun with streaks of orange and grey. The scent of parmesan and herb crusted chicken and potatoes baking in the oven filtered throughout the house.

"Ummm… okay… so what did he say?" I asked her.

"He said 'tough!' and then he walked outside and I got so angry I called him a bad word." She told me.

I sighed and grimaced. Great. Just great. "What did you call him?" I asked her wearily.

Silence. Finally she spoke "The A word. I called him it three times." She told me.

I rubbed my temples to stave off a headache coming on "Oh my gosh… you cannot call him bad words. Do you understand me?" I asked her calmly but sternly.

She stared at me and nodded "Okay. But he made me so mad!" She exclaimed.

"Ok…" I exhaled… "I totally understand that. I get that you were mad. That is something we will talk about and you need to talk to God about. But you can't go around calling him names. You can tell him why you're mad but you can't say bad words. You have to be respectful." I explained to her.

"B-but…" She stammered with exasperation then angrily continued, "He doesn't listen to me! He NEVER listens to me! If I tell him how I feel he just says 'tough!' or his favorite thing to say 'it's fine!' He doesn't care what I think!" She told me forcefully. This I knew to be true based on his continued actions in how he treated her. But I kept my thoughts to myself. No, he doesn't give a rat's rear what you think, I thought to myself.

"So what did he do? Did he hear you calling him a bad word?" I asked her.

She nodded "Oh, yeah… he came running back in the house and was so mad! He was like 'Young lady, you go to your room right now!' and he took my phone away from me. Which I knew he'd do." She shrugged like she didn't care. I listened intently…  I saw the signs… she was beyond sick of him and how he treated her. "I told him I want to spend more time with you… that I want to be at mommy's more. I wrote him a letter telling him that. He didn't read it till the next day. And even then he didn't say anything. Basically, he doesn't care!" She added with a snip.

******************

Oh how the past re-plays itself… slightly different and yet all too familiar and painful. It was my childhood all over again… not being heard, not being seen, one sibling being favored over another; in her case her brother being the golden child and she the black sheep. It was like a re-run of a terribly bad movie and all you could do sit and watch it play out and hope for eventual change… meaning escape for her… Oh how liberating to grow up and finally be able to tell your narcissistic parent: "No more", "I'm done", and "Goodbye" at best although many other words came to mind. The narcissistic parent isn't capable of love… only control, manipulation, deceit… ultimately making people suffer because they don't want to be around them anymore and yet… their stuck if only temporarily.


So what do we do? How can we guide our children through their experiences with the narcissistic parent and be there for them WITHOUT negatively speaking about said narc? It's entirely possible and absolutely necessary.

10 TIPS:

1. Ask your child how he or she feels.
2. Listen.
3. Confirm that yes, they do have a right to feel angry.
4. Also point out that anger often follows hurt, sadness, etc. Ask about those feelings.
5. Point out behaviors that are absolutely not acceptable for ANYONE; lying, twisting, spinning the truth, etc. Also hurting others feelings by not listening, not giving attention, etc.
6. Remember to affirm that anger in itself is not a bad thing. Anger actually gives us signals that a wrong has occurred and something needs to change. But do remind them that anger can become sin in how we show it and act on it.
7. Encourage your child to also talk to God about his or her feelings regarding their narcissistic parent. Remind them that they can pray about the relationship and offer to hold their hand and pray with them.
8. Encourage your child to write down what is bothering them. Keep a journal handy by their bed so they can jot down anything that goes on in the narcissistic parents home that upsets them.
9. If possible get your child in therapy with an experienced therapist.
10. Remind your child that they are loved by you… and show that selfless love by your actions.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016 

RELATED POSTS:

Child Custody/Possession Schedule & The Narc Ex: 4 Tips

The Narcissistic Sociopath: 15 Ways They Punish

The Narcissistic Sociopath & Enabling

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Narcissistic Sociopath's Hate Women: 4 Ways They Show It

“Couple Making Love In Bed” by imagery majestic via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Narcissists, sociopaths… they all hate women. But how is their hatred shown? How does it show up in their relationships? Much of their disdain for women is obviously intertwined with sex and how they relate (or not) to the female species.

Some narcissistic sociopaths are skilled lovers no doubt… they know exactly what to say and do. They smile with satisfaction because they know they are skilled and can read you like a book… like mind readers they whisper in your ear:

"I know you want to be ravished by the light of a thousand stars under the night sky. I know you want me to make you scream my name while you grasp the sheet with white knuckles… I know what turns you on, what would send you writhing in my arms gasping, moaning for more… I'm going to relish you like no one else ever has with my eyes, my hands and my tongue. You will beg me for more after I rock you like the thundering waves at sea."

He knows.

He can deliver.

But he's doing the same thing

for "what's-her-name" as well.

He's giving in the bedroom yet

it means nothing to him.

You're just another object to him.

Another conquest. 

Another source of supply secured

to massage his fragile ego. 

Another woman whom he has tricked.

Yet there is also the narcissistic sociopath who withholds what you want sexually, what you desire, what you need. He is all about himself and his own lust and desire… these narcissistic types are using you much like an inflatable doll, as a prop if you will, to masturbate upon and self satisfy. He (or she) isn't going to go to any efforts to ensure you are receiving pleasure as well… instead it will be a scenario like the one below…

"Turn here, flip over, no, no, THIS way!… "


If there weren't so many directions being commanded every second you might be able to (yawn) construct a grocery list, finally decide if you need standard length or extended for the curtains you want to buy… and even put together a mental bucket list of things you want to do before you die… or maybe you CAN do all that while he shoots off directions like an inept Siri… look at you, a multitasking ninja. 

The first scenario would be fine if it was coupled with true love, a real care for their partner, a steadfast unwavering loyalty for them… and a reciprocated desire by their spouse. But unfortunately for a narcissistic sociopath true love, real care and loyalty doesn't exist… he's (or she's) not capable. He is gaining supply by ravishing you… then he quickly moves on to the next source of supply.

The second scenario is merely you, a warm body being used to play out (him directing like in a film) all of the sexual fantasies he has (and ways he wishes to be pleased) but in which he never (or rarely unless pressed/criticized/demanded) reciprocates. He's a control freak and not capable of the natural give and take that healthy loving relationships have. Instead he (or she) is all about ME, ME, ME!

FACT: 

ALL NARCISSISTS HATE WOMEN

THEY LOATHE THEM.
THEY OBJECTIFY THEM.
THEY WISH TO CONTROL THEM.
THEY SEE THEM AS PROPERTY.
THEY SEE THEM AS INFERIOR.
THEY SEE THEM WITH CONTEMPT.
THEY SEE THEM AS GOLD-DIGGERS.
THEY SEE THEM AS LEECHES.
THEY SEE THEM AS DEMANDING.

HOW A WOMAN MUST BE TO BE WITH A NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH: 
1. Perfectly fine with being his unequal (yet he may say he treats you as an equal partner).
2. Never critical and always positive about him. (being critical is the kiss of death).
3. Be perfectly fine with being treated as a sex object and not a real person with feelings.
4. Happy to help him in any way he needs; to take on the unspoken role of assistant versus wife.

As you can imagine living this way would be a drain for anyone… it is a life of constantly walking on eggshells and exhaustion.

As briefly touched on above but delved into further below we can see the hatred a narcissist or sociopath has for his (or her) partner shows up in 4 common ways…

First, any and all decisions will be made by the narcissistic sociopath… there are no "joint decisions". You can voice what you want and he may listen under the guise of "we are equal partners" but at the end of the day he makes all decisions. In fact, his mind is already made up… your input is a waste of breath. In a truly loving (and Christian) marriage we often talk about the husband leading the family. He should be leading his family in ways that point them all to Christ... but a narcissistic sociopath controls with an iron clad grip that leads everyone down a path of sin, grief and dismay.

Secondly, anything he (or she) perceives as criticism will be seen as an attack and will bring about defensiveness. Or he may listen and make calculated mental notes (more sociopathic-like) … listening to you rail on and on and thinking to himself… "Oh, yeah? You just keep talking… keep it up… I'll show you… you don't like it… guess what? I'm gonna do exactly what I want and you telling me x,y,z just makes me want to do it my way more. Keep talking… I'm filing this away, I'll remember this conversation and you will pay for this later (punishment) in some way, shape or form...Ha!" In a truly loving marriage there is not a fear that if you share something (calmly and with tactful love) that your concerns will be dismissed and you will be treated less than. But a narcissistic sociopath holds zero respect for women... it's shown through his inability to take in any feedback whatsoever.

Third, you are subjected to being treated as nothing but a sex toy… someone he wants to defile like an animal, that he keeps off-balance by suggesting acts that do nothing but repulse… at best suggesting an open marriage and even going so far as to make you believe he is highly sought after by the opposite sex… the "casual" comments he drops to you: "My last flight for work the flight attendant couldn't keep her hands off me… she sat in my lap. She told me I could have her right there on the plane." He tells you with a smug smile. You stand there staring at him bewildered(!) wondering first if he's telling the truth, secondly why he would allow that to happen and most of all why he seems to take such joy in seeing you squirm as he shares it. A truly loving marriage makes Christ it's center and brings husband and wife together to share their physical desire and affections for one another... mutually and exclusively. There shouldn't be any open marriage, no threesomes and a husband should be protective of his wife... anything that diminishes or takes away her dignity should be something he'd never dream of doing.

Fourth, you begin to feel like his personal assistant instead of a wife because it's always something… it's his dry cleaning, it's he needs something homemade brought to his office, it's "I need you to come by and meet Mr. So and So that's flying in this week", it's doing all the "grunt work" as he sees it related to the house and children because he does the big deal; the paying job and he doesn't have time for the work of the lowest people on the totem pole like you. A wife may serve her husband and be his helper as a way of showing her love for him but when it's to an extreme and demanded by him, when it's an unspoken rule that has consequences if she doesn't... if she's taken on more of a "business role" in his life rather than solely being his feminine companion through friendship, support, homemaker, mother to their children and his physical lover then her role beside him has changed... he's added more to her plate... a plate not worthy of his time because he deems it beneath him. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016

God never viewed women as second-class citizens and His word clearly states that we are all equally His children. That we are all of equal value and worth. A man is not above a woman but his equal. Many men today have become confused or blind to what being a husband means… treating their wives with neglect and or abuse; emotionally, verbally and physically. God never intended marriage to be this way. Husbands, you have a position of RESPONSIBILITY as the leader in the home; you should be leading your family toward God not away. As Galatians 3:28 tells us, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28)

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!

RELATED POSTS:

Sex And The Narcissistic Male

The Narc, Sexual Addiction & Their Kids: 5 Tips

Marriage, Love Languages And God

Married To A Narcissistic Sociopath? You Will Never Be Enough

“Sad Middle Aged Woman Suffering From Headache” 

by stock images via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

February 2016 

names have been changed and omitted in this post 

***************

We had already made our run to the store to pick up chicken noodle soup and extra tissue and now were crashed on the couch the rest of the day. I snuggled beside my daughter in the den under the oversized gray blanket and reached over to gently tuck her long blonde brown hair behind her ear. I glanced at her and spoke, "I'm sorry you're feeling bad, sweet pea. Hopefully staying home from school today will help you start feeling better. Having a cold isn't fun, is it?" I asked.

"No, it's not." She agreed and as the Disney channel switched shows she turned to me and spoke. "You know how Daddy likes back rubs?" She asked. Thinking this was an oddly random change of subject I was caught off guard but nodded.

"Yeah… why?" I asked her.

She turned to face me. "Okay, so Georgina gives him these back rubs, right? When they watch tv." She confirmed, referring to her dad's recent fiancé. "She gives him really long ones. And then she asks for one. And he does it. For like five minutes. And then he stops."

"Um, okay… "I trailed off, not sure what the point of this was but listening. "So, is that a problem?" I asked her.

"Yeah it is!" She exclaimed. "Georgina gets SO mad!"

I stared at her "Really? Hmmm… why do you think that is?" I asked her curiously.

"I think because she gives him a really great one and then he won't give her one back. She brings it up all the time. I think it makes her really mad that he won't." She told me with a grimace and then just like that snatched the remote control to turn up the volume on her show.

I sat beside her watching the screen but not really; my thoughts going back... reflecting on our marriage. I remember giving him back rubs and him complaining I was massaging too hard. Considering my pretty consistent inability to unscrew a jar of jelly or salsa without annihilating my hand (ouch!) I had thrown my hands up in frustration at what I perceived to be nit picking. He loved my fingers run through his hair and yet no matter how long I did it, it was never frequent enough or long enough… complaints ensued when my cramping fingers needed a rest. If he gave me a back massage he always expected sex. I eventually stopped accepting his offer of one as everything came with an expectation attached. Switch to intimacy and his complaints came that foreplay took too long and let's just get to the, er his main event, shall we? It was a constant checklist, er, gripe-fest of how he hadn't gotten x,y,z. And yet I seemed to be the one regularly going without. Looked like his pattern was playing out yet again. I wasn't too surprised.


The truth was… this was about more than just a back massage. 
The back massage was simply the symptom of a bigger issue at hand. 
The back massage was a symbol of selfishness. 


The narcissistic sociopath is someone who views themselves as not how they truly are. Meaning in reality they are the epitome of selfishness yet see themselves as victims of a less than loving spouse or ex-spouse. #projection. While married they begin to chip away at their spouse… they begin to nit pick at them and point out all the ways they are failing, all the ways they are not meeting their expectations or loving them perfectly.

And before you know it… the narcissistic sociopath is rationalizing, JUSTIFYING why they should be able to cheat on their spouse… the spouse they once adored and set high on a pedestal. They no longer see their spouses kindness, generous nature, their beauty and fun spirit. 

With a narcissistic sociopath nothing you do is ever enough. 

That great back massage won't be enough.
That amazing homemade lasagna you baked won't be enough.
That thoughtful delivery of cookies or muffins to his office won't be enough.
That nice shirt, tickets to the game or gift card to Best Buy won't be enough.
That night of sex where you catered to his every desire and lust won't be enough.
That dinner date where you laughed until your stomachs hurt won't be enough.
That nurturing and care you did for the babies you gave birth to day in and day out won't be enough.
That selfless picking up of his dry cleaning and walking the dog he had to have won't be enough.
That proud verbal congratulations you gave about his newest promotion at work won't be enough.

It will never be enough.


The narcissistic sociopath has this sixth sense of knowing exactly what you need, want, fantasize and dream about… they can read people like no one else. The spectrum of toxic individuals out there varies of course… from a simple narcissist to the extreme; a sociopath. Some are clearly more toxic or skilled than others in reading people. (And yet in that let's remember any toxicity is harmful) In the beginning of a relationship a sociopath is able to discern quickly exactly what to say and do to lure you in and do just that.

He is able to figure out exactly what words you find touching, what sentiments make you melt, what poetry makes you smile and then say or write just that.

He is able to anticipate exactly what turns you on and what turns you off… what erotic caresses of the tongue and hands make you burn and yearn for more… and does just that.

He is able to assess exactly what makes you feel overwhelmingly spoiled and adored via sweet favors or gifts… and produces just that.

And so they do it... for awhile... until they've captured you in a committed relationship or marriage and/or used you up and need a new source of supply.


Those blissful early days… 

When were initially in the throes of dating or early days of marriage he or she will let you know up front what behaviors of yours are not permitted by bashing his or her ex continuously in an indirect manner… framed in an insidiously "positive" way.

He or She will say…. 

1. "I LOVE how you always wear bright colors. It makes me so happy."
Translation: My ex only wore black because that's what she liked not what I like.

2. "I LOVE how you aways respond to my texts right away. It makes me feel really good."
Translation: My ex didn't respond to my texts right away toward the end of our marriage because she figured out what a control freak/needy I am and stopped responding as often or quickly.

3. "I LOVE how you're so laid back and not the insecure type at all."
Translation: My ex's instincts told them I was cheating and that's why they voiced being uncomfortable with me going on that business trip with my attractive co-worker. But I'm not telling you that.


Of course, you can try to do all the "right things"; you can try to follow the sociopath's rule book on what to do or not to do… playing into the comparison game of their exes as detailed above to ensure you are going to be the one who makes them happy and loves them perfectly. Certainly, you can try to stand on your head, juggle it all and ensure you're doing it their utmost satisfaction.

But remember… at the end of the day, at the end of the year, at the end of the relationship, maybe at the end of your life… it really won't matter how hard you tried to please he or she…

The hard truth and fact of the matter is:

Just like the ones before you… just like the ones to come after you…

In the sociopath's eyes….

You will still never be enough. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2016

WHEN YOU FEEL UNLOVED, WHEN YOU FEEL LESS THAN DUE TO SOMEONE'S HURTFUL WORDS OR ACTIONS… REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE PRECIOUS AND HONORED IN HIS SIGHT… 

Isaiah 43:4New International Version (NIV) 

Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE IN THE HAUNTING DESPAIR OF SOMEONE ELSE'S TOXICITY… YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE A PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY HEALTHY LIFE FREE OF PUT DOWNS AND MANIPULATION. 

YOU. ARE. ENOUGH. 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!

RELATED POSTS:

When Marriage Equals Prostitution

Projection And Signs Of A Cheating Spouse

Love & Divorce: What I Will Never Tell My Children