Hidden Aspergers: When You Get Bamboozled

spring of 2012 

names have been omitted in this post 

******************

"You aren't going to believe this… well, maybe you will." I told her wearily. "Are you sitting down?" I asked, clutching my cell phone in my left hand. I paced my living room with its blonde wood floor, large oversized art and view of the water.

"Yeah, I'm sitting down… what is it?" came her terse reply as if she was preparing for an avalanche of bad news to come down upon her.

"I talked to our son's psychiatrist today. You know he diagnosed him with Aspergers. You know how I had been discussing with him for weeks about Dad's behavior over the years? Well, he told me today he'd come to the conclusion based on the information gathered he has a personality disorder... which we already knew by my therapists past conclusion, so that's two people now with that determination… but today he also said aspergers as well." I told her.

Stunned silence. 

Then I felt her anger reverberating through the phone at me that was directed at him. Tears and upset followed… it was horrible. I would always remember this day. This phone call. I listened and let her rant, I empathized with her rage at being duped, I could feel and understand her indignation, her wrath, her tears… her upset, at her feeling tricked and cheated. {I had no idea at that moment my own nightmare was about to set into motion and in the coming months I'd discover my husband was cheating, that he showed signs of being personality disordered. The same psychiatrist would voice observation to me from sessions with my husband of a few asperger-spectrum-like traits in him as well.} My mother had every right to grieve the fact there was known information withheld from her about who she married.

As I did more research on genealogy websites and reached out to distant relatives states away I learned more and more about my paternal side of the family that had been kept hidden away… deep within the family tree, mental illness, electro shock treatments, psych wards, delusions, broken families, out of control tempers, infidelities, failed marriages, wives who had just packed up and walked off due to gross dysfunction and more were rampant… It was grievous to discover there was so much hidden away, that my relatives had kept secret. Mental illness isn't something to be ashamed of… genes are given, passed down from one generation to another… those genes aren't taken with willing outreached hands by the next generation, eager to take them on… no one wants to have a mental illness… empathy should abound… yet what disturbed me the most and made me recoil with anger was the fact…

 it had all been secreted away despite valid questions asked…
 that was just plain wrong through and through. 

The next evening as he sat at the kitchen table she confronted him… "You know what I found out? What the psychiatrist said? He said you have aspergers!"

Silence. No response. No denial. 

No up-in-arms and absolutely no retort from him of: "No, I don't!" 

like one would expect from most…

 most people would deny it and demand answers; 

demand to know how one came to this conclusion. 

Instead, she was met with silence and his head hung

 like a shamed and reprimanded child. 

"All these years the kids have been trying to get a diagnosis for their son… " She told him "For our grandson and you sat right there with your parents and said: "No, our family doesn't have anything!" " she quoted the same tired response we had heard for years from them. "Over and over again you all three swore up and down your family didn't have any issues. For years our daughter has been trying to get some help for him, trying to find out what is going on, trying to get some answers and every time you all sat there and denied your family having anything. What a lie, it was all lies!" she yelled at him.

Can someone have a personality disorder and be on the spectrum at the same time? Anything is possible.

********************

No matter what someone has…  whether it's aspergers, adhd, bi-polar, etc,… if it's known it needs to be shared with who were dating before we marry them. It's one thing to not know… to be just as blindsided by a diagnosis as a spouse once both people are securely rooted in a marriage… those marriages are understandably challenging and plenty of grace, understanding and working as a team must take place for those unions to thrive. But to knowingly withhold information? People have a right to know if someone has a diagnosis that could impact their relationship and their life. People have a right to know the person they are marrying and that means no secrets should be kept from one another. Keeping family secrets and omitting facts or family history is lying and will always have consequences. Keeping secrets means making decisions for others and taking away the control they have over their lives and life course.

James 4:17 ESV

So whoever knows the right thing to do

 and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

In a perfect world we would also know if someone had a personality disorder as well before we said "I do"…. Because "in sickness and in health" doesn't and shouldn't include the act of manipulation, a lack of empathy and pure havoc created by the spinning of lies, deceit and infidelity by one person in a marriage… which is what occurs when someone is personality disordered. Unfortunately, knowing that who were contemplating marrying has a manipulative nature?…. that is not always the case… as very often denial goes along with narcissism as well as delusional thinking… they tend to not believe they nor their behavior are the issue… that it's everyone else who just can't live up their standards… hence using others and then the discarding that occurs; the need for a new person/new supply. Self-awareness and introspection don't exist in the mind of a narcissist or sociopath, or in more general terms, a personality disordered individual.

Proverbs 12:22 ESV

Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, 

but those who act faithfully are his delight.

If you were duped by a spouse… whether it be they have a flaming case of narcissism and or are a sociopath… whether they have aspergers or are bi-polar… if you were knowingly withheld information about who you were marrying, if you were used by them and or their family to be the target or "caretaker" for the one you married… take heart and know you are most certainly not alone. At the end of the day no matter what the situation… no matter what it was… if you were purposely not told your partner had HIV and you're now infected, if you weren't told your partner has a drug addiction, or gross debt, if you were kept in the dark you married someone who has a criminal record, you have every right to be angry. You have every right to feel outraged. You have every right to mourn that control taken from you. Because it's not right.

You Are Not Alone

Proverbs 10:9 ESV

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, 

but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.

Information is powerful. When we have information we can then make informed decisions. And when we are kept from knowing intimate details we need to know… very basic facts that would most definitely affect the decisions we choose to make in who we choose for our partner and our life… we don't just suffer emotionally and maybe physically but possibly our children do as well. 

Empathy is needed for those who have dealt with diagnoses and obstacles in their past... we all have something in life that we must come to terms with and or face. Each and every one of us also has the right to grieve what has been taken from us; our choice. When our choices, our decision making is made for us... when secrets are knowingly kept from us, when we are manipulated for the purpose of gain, when we are used and then we come to discover the truth.... anger ensues... anger that is absolutely justified and needs to be dealt with in a healthy manner. 

No matter where we find ourselves in life through the deceitful actions of a partner we can take heart in knowing not everyone is out to deceive us. Not everyone has a plan or agenda. It may take some time to heal, to face and absorb the truth... of what was kept hidden from us... we may keep turning to a continual mental loop of "why's?!" and questioning everything due to our trust being shattered... 

But thank goodness there is one absolute truth... there is truth from the one who knows all, who stands for goodness... for God's word is the only infallible truth we have. We can remember his promises, his plan is to give us a future, hope and not a plan of evil. He will not deceive us, he will with great compassion restore what you lost and with sweet sweet love pick up all the pieces of where you find yourself scattered in pain, loss and defeat... You will laugh, run and leap once again, renewed, powered by his love, comfort and strength. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015   

To My Readers: Thank you for your readership and sharing! 


RELATED POSTS: 

The Sociopath: The 6 Tricks He Uses
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20 Examples Of How A Narcissist Uses You 
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Fathers: Shepherding His {Black} Sheep
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11 Things I Learned From My Childhood

names have been omitted in this post 

******************

Growing up it was like my family lived on another planet far away that had no resemblance to what "normal" families lived. It was like we lived in a cult, a different dimension that left you feeling like you were locked up… shut up inside some pit or hole resembling prison... childhood often felt like a life-long sentence… it was the stuff of books or movies yet it wasn't glamorous but more crushing of the spirit and soul… it was removed from the rest of the world, it was eccentric and odd and "different". It was seemingly forever and all each of us; my siblings and mother wanted was to escape it and never look back.

"It is far better to grasp 

the Universe 

as it really is 

than to persist in delusion, 

however satisfying and reassuring." 

-Dr. Carl Sagan

When you grow up in an alter-odd environment where you request to do something… anything…normal stuff like a very simple thing... like going to a school function or to a fellow peers home after school to work on a school project… it never happens. It's usually always met with "No, that isn't necessary" or second choice is it's met with "I'll think about it." A few days pass, a week goes by… you go to him and ask again, reminding him that you're still waiting for an answer to your request. Instead you are met with the pages of a newspaper rustling and a grouchy verbal grunt of "I told you I'd think about it!"

Sigh.

You stand there not even being given the courtesy of eye contact… the newspaper is a shield between you and he… a buffer in the hopes that maybe, just maybe if he ignores you long enough you will go away and leave him alone in peace to read his paper. You sigh again. You dare to push the issue because you're the eldest and the strong willed one. You break the silence... "But you've had a week to decide." You remind him… your patience is beginning to wear thin.


You see it's wearing thin because it's always this way.
Every. single. time.
Your life gives new meaning to over-protected.
It gives new meaning to sheltered.
Those words don't even touch the surface of how you really live.

You finally irritate him to no end with your nagging and haranguing (which merely cements the idea that that's what girls and one day women have to do to get a "yes" from a male) that he finally, finally gives in one time. And when he does… you learn how very different your home life is. As you sit on the carpeted bedroom floor of a fifth grade school peer and take markers to poster board… working on a school project after getting frozen yogurt earlier (your family has never had frozen yogurt) her dad appears in the doorway and says "Hey, Court… remember tonight is family meeting night after dinner." Your classmate smiles at her dad and nods and says okay. After he departs down the hall you turn to her assuming family meeting night must be something awful… that must be punishment, right? Because it must mean you get yelled at for doing something wrong or not doing whatever it is you were supposed to do. You ask her with curiosity what this family meeting night thing is. She smiles and tells you "Oh, that's where we all gather in the den after dinner and talk about whatever is bothering us. We can talk about anything."

I stare at her incredulously. My mouth hangs open in disbelief. "Anything?" I echo.

She nods and explains further "Yes… we can talk about anything we want to. We can say if somebody has made us mad, or did something we didn't like. We can talk about anything and nobody gets in trouble. It really helps."

Maybe your own family would have benefitted from such a meeting... open dialogue where each person felt heard and was encouraged to express how they were feeling. For myself growing up a family meeting would never happen. That would mean everyone had feelings, everyone had a voice in how they felt, that everyone had the right to assert what they believed. "Assertive" was a bad word. Assertive got you a yard stick slapped on your butt so hard it snapped in half. Assertive got your arm grabbed so tightly it left red marks. Assertive got you put in time out in the storage room alone on a hard backed chair. Assertive got you screamed at and then listening to a rant-a-thon in the background for what felt like an hour. Having a voice? That was so foreign to me. I wondered wistfully what that must be like.

**********************

11 Things I Learned From My Childhood: 


1. You're more valued as a person by working (work always comes first) than spending time with your family.

2. God is someone whom we are to fear not to be loved by.

3. Constant fear (fear in general) of failure is normal.

4. Self-awareness and therapy are not important and are not ever done.

5. Spending money on yourself is perfectly acceptable at the detriment of your family's needs and the upkeep of your home.

6. Even if you feel something, deep inside, please keep it to yourself. We don't talk about things such as feelings, dreams, goals or hurts.

7. It's perfectly fine for everyone around you to feel powerless, to feel controlled and diminished… because you're "the man" and way more important than the "little people."

8. Stay a safe physical distance away from others; no hugs, no pats, no high fives, no anything… because that would be weird… the human touch is not needed.

9. Follow the footsteps of your earthly father, his obligations, his dreams, his goals… don't think authentically, or spiritually… don't go outside the box or on any adventures… cling to self-preservation because it's way better to be able to say "I may not have been anywhere or done much but I'm still here."

10. If you ever feel threatened that someone might take your stuff…  be way more concerned with protecting your material/marital assets than your relationship… because people are disposable but things on the other hand… those are worth much more.

11. Trusting people leads you to being screwed over, to being bamboozled. Always have something on someone in case you need it later, always have evidence… and listen more than you ever give away.

In life we don't get the childhood we want. 

We get what we are given and then often we just have to make the best of it. All familial issues stem from the previous generations that were not resolved but instead allowed to continue to grow like toxic weeds… where growth and change have not yet taken place. We meet someone, we marry and if we haven't done the necessary work to address what needs haven't been met when we were children, we then on some level (we may not even be aware of this at the time) look for those unmet childhood needs/issues to be resolved with the one we marry. We are each looking to the other for healing… for wounds to be soothed. 

We may or may not find what we are seeking… but one thing is for sure… we can always look up to a higher power… the one who knew us before we walked earth… before we cried our first cry of infancy and breathed our first breath… we can look to our Father in Heaven for affirmation… that we are more valued than any material thing on earth… that we don't have to fear He doesn't love us… that we don't have to fear at all… that our identity comes from Him… and He is always there to wrap us up in His arms with comfort and eternal love.


Today I'm here to tell you that God loves you... you are his child and no matter what you have been through in the past... In this journey, along each curve, each mountain, through every stumble and triumph He is with you... you are not alone.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: Thank you for reading, sharing and commenting! 

Related Post:

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The Narc's Family: 5 Ugly Little Secrets Behind Closed Doors

I grew up in a family of secrets. Initially I didn't know this. But as time went on I realized my family wasn't like everyone else's. When I say "my family" I really mean in the male sense, the head of the family… because he, the patriarch, a stunted child in the body of a grown man was the orchestrator of the crazy behind closed doors. As a child it was bit by little bit over a period of time I realized my family wasn't like everyone else's. How did I realize this? School. School was the only outlet I had to the outside world and the only glimpse I had into how my family operated differently from the other children's I shared class with each day. If I'd been home schooled I likely would have been kept in the dark far longer than I was… but because I had that outlet, light occasionally peeked in and with that light came hope… that there was different. That there was normal. That there was better. That there was healthy. And hope means maybe… just maybe one day I could have those things too… and the dark would melt away indefinitely.

*************************

The fine art… the jade tree… the image of superiority … the carved frames special ordered from New York… the family tree…. the name dropping… the antique furniture… the stuff… my God, the stuff… it never ended… the stuff. It would make anyone cut shopping cold turkey. It would cure anyone of collecting. It would drive anyone to a life of minimalism and serenity… because serene was not our life. Our life was busy, crowded, overflowing, excess… our life was every corner filled, every shelf covered, every table surface piled… our life was buy, spend, buy… our life was "Man, that was too good a deal to pass up!"…. 

Our life was "Don't touch that!", "Don't sit there!", "Find something to do!" and "Stop it! You're embarrassing me!"….

Our life was "Ohhh, that isn't worth much… I tell you what I'll do… I'll give you fifty dollars for it…." and then later after the customer left… "People are so stupid… you see this painting? I can sell this for a few hundred dollars." <insert triumphant smug smile> or even better, "I can sell this for a few thousand dollars." 

It was a facade of an art gallery because reality was much of what came in was kept for personal gain, for victory, for a high, to feed the addiction within. It was a first hand lesson in screwing people, in tricking people, in what to do to feed the hungry selfish devil within. It was narcissistic to the core and just because I was a child didn't mean for a second I didn't know what was happening. Children are typically keenly aware of their parents ill character… (unless they are being successfully alienated by a sociopath from a healthy parent) because to believe otherwise it's acting as though children are inept idiots, quite frankly. Most children know if their parent's character is reflective of being a slime ball if it fits the bill. Most children are painfully and honestly aware that yes, unfortunately they got jipped and somehow managed to get in the line of having a criminally prone parent. And yes, the child at the cusp of adulthood has every individual right to discard the parent upon fully digesting and realizing the fact(s) a parent is not a healthy figure in their life or at the very least keep them at arm's length. 

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5 Signs You Are The Child Of A Narcissistic Parent:

1. Everything is about one parent and one parent only:
A family's entire life revolves around this one parents wants, needs, hobby, career and dreams, etc. There is a lot done in tempering the narc's bad moods, anger, outbursts, need for sex, etc that there may be little time or energy left for family life… each situation is different in terms of the scale of "crazy" taking place and some may certainly cope better than others.


2. The golden child versus the black sheep:
The narcissistic parent always chooses a golden child who he/she favors and gains narcissistic supply from to build himself/herself up, as the child is an extension of their ego. The child is seen as a possession not a little person (individual) with thoughts, feelings and dreams of his or her own. The black sheep is used also; the one who is the cause of any problems in the family, the parent projects their own negative feelings of worthlessness onto that child. Any other children may be viewed as unnecessary, as just "extras" as they serve no purpose and may be viewed with detachment. Who is chosen as the golden child and who is chosen as the black sheep can change over time depending on how it suits the narc parent. Regardless, these siblings typically grow up with division… because triangulation (and gas lighting) is often used by the narcissistic parent to create mini wars where siblings and even their other parent are pitted against one another… there is a lot of "She told me this… or he told me that…" and then when the sibling doesn't verify the facts from the other sibling or parent a division has craftily been created by the narc parent… depending on how it would serve him/her. These siblings may grow up having difficulties maintaing healthy close sibling relationships and find themselves often at odds with one another or even emotionally detached to one another as a result.


3. Narcissists are not in touch with their feelings:
They don't express themselves, they don't share their thoughts and feelings. They are not nurturers, nor affectionate. Instead they are bottled up, stuffers and exploders. They have not learned the necessary skills to share their feelings in a healthy manner because they don't believe feelings even matter… to them that is trivial and not needed. Some communication is done in a "in your face manner" with screaming, cussing and fits. Typically most communication is done via messenger… something is told to one family member and instructed to be passed by them to another… information of how someone is angry, hurt, or been wronged in some fashion is done passive aggressively versus face to face in a civilized calm manner with tact, grace and understanding. That scenario doesn't exist in a narcissistic family dynamic.


4. Narcissistic parents don't love their kids:
They don't feel love or empathy. They don't have a connection with their child. The child may be "bought" by toys, outings, gifts, clothing, newly decorated bedrooms, trips, iPhones, etc… but in determining whether a parent is healthy for a child it's imperative to closely look at the connection the child has with the parent. If all those material items, all those glorious incentives were stripped away would there be anything there? Would the child feel loved? Would the child feel closeness? Would the child feel a bond? More than likely the sad answer is… no. Because the child is being bought. They aren't being listened to. They aren't being heard. They aren't being valued. They aren't being encouraged to be authentic. There may glaring neglect for the children. Instead the child is valued for what they can do for the narcissistic parent not who they are as a person. Instead they are being taught to not love others, to not value people but to instead use them to suit themselves. These children are being taught about everything but good…. the complete opposite of honesty and love… they are being taught that to look out for yourself is number one in life and this thinking leads to the criminal mindset… where customers are unknowingly grossly overcharged based on the vehicle they drive and the brand of sunglasses they wear… where children like myself are told throughout their childhood "No, you can't go to that birthday party. It's unnecessary.", "No, you can't take swimming lessons. I can't afford it." and in the same week he then buys a twenty thousand dollar painting or a Civil War artifact. Where children are continually told "No, you can't get a bike. I don't have health insurance on you."… the same week that parent buys an original bronze statue for five thousand dollars… and yet… his wife suffers without a dishwasher for her growing family and diligently clips coupons as the narcissist buys buys buys his little empty heart away.


5. Perfect On The Outside, Ugly Behind Closed Doors:
In the beginning of this post I talked about secrets and how they make up a large part of a family that includes a narcissistic parent. The secret is… This is the Narc's thinking: "Don't tell anyone were different. Yes, you may think we are… you may know we are, but don't tell… it's an unspoken thing, okay? Because denial is sweeter than reality. So don't ever tell because really… were perfect. You see, it's "those other people" who have the problems, the defects, the issues, the dysfunction in their families. It's really others that aren't "keeping it together", that aren't refined like us… I mean, look AT WHO WE ARE… and WHAT WE OWN… and WHO WE KNOW… and who are you to potentially cross me and discard all of that wonderfulness wrapped with a shiny red bow… because you are here to continue MY LEGACY, my name, to serve my needs. And if you can't do that? If you can't uphold your end of the unspoken "deal"… of the facade I've so carefully crafted for years, maybe even decades, maybe even that my parents have built before me… if you can't adhere to the outward image of perfection as I do… of status…. then I have no use for you. My love is conditional like that. If you can't or won't uphold your end I will be done with you. But that won't be the end of it… I'll stand on my soapbox and slowly play my violin for anyone who will listen… it's song being that you wronged me… you betrayed me… you hurt me… you, you, you… and with each note I will slip further and further… deeper and deeper into that dark ugly pool of wretched denial… that you so as luck would have it… escaped".


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

No child deserves abuse and 

although emotional abuse

 is rarely spoken of it's just as 

harmful and toxic as physical abuse. 

If you are the child of a narcissistic parent:

You didn't do anything wrong. 

You didn't cause this. 

You can't change them.

But you can create a new life…

a life of peace, healing and light.

To My Readers:

Thank you for reading,

commenting and sharing!

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http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/01/divorce-6-ways-to-help-narcissistic.html

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http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/04/father-shepherding-his-black-sheep.html

Once Down In The Gutter And Called A Whore But Came To Know Jesus Died For Me & You

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/03/once-down-in-gutter-called-whore-but.html