Dating After Divorce: 5 Questions To Ask Yourself

summer 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

*************

The back of the SUV was packed with all the essentials… there was a small soft insulated cooler of ice holding bottled waters, a brown paper bag filled with snacks; some snacks were gluten free for my mother and some were loaded with glorious gluten for me. There were oversized canvas bags holding clothes, swimsuits, sandals and the essential toiletries.

As we headed to our destination and the navigation lady gave her guidance en route the radio played… songs of love, loss and all the hurts tender hearts sometimes endure despite being so brave to make that awesomely huge jump into the pool of vulnerability again.

Johnny Cash sang on the radio a song that Neil Diamond had written… Solitary Man… and I loved it… Cash's voice is like a deep pool of rough open wounds meeting up with the healing velvet touch of luxurious love… his voice is such a bittersweet mix of the beauty of two worlds colliding… I savored the lyrics like a fine wine.

Belinda was mine 'til the time that I found her
Holdin' Jim
And lovin' him
Then Sue came along, loved me strong, that's what I thought
Me and Sue,
But that died, too

Don't know that I will but until I can find me
A girl who'll stay and won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am
A solitary man
Solitary man

I've had it here, being where love's a small word
A part time thing
A paper ring
I know it's been done havin' one girl who loves me
Right or wrong
Weak or strong

Don't know that I will but until I can find me
The girl who'll stay and won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am
A solitary man
A solitary man

Don't know that I will but until love can find me
And the girl who'll stay and won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am
A solitary man
A solitary man

Solitary man

Songwriters
DIAMOND, NEIL

Johnny Cash - Solitary Man Lyrics | MetroLyrics 


"I've had it here, being where love's a small word"… the lyrics spun in my head like a lit ferris wheel… we have made love become such a small word, haven't we? We have taken love and made it mean nearly nothing… not true and long lasting but instead often broken. Humans have a way of messing up the absolute most beautiful thing ever… saying "I love you" but clinging to the idea of someone else. Loving someone with as much finite love as we possibly can because part of it is allotted to someone else. Showing love in the most intimate forms and yet not really being mentally present. Naively believing we are dearly loved by someone and yet coming to discover we are nothing more than just another notch on someones belt or one of many forgettable fantasies in someones mind. 

The only one who has truly perfected love is Jesus. 

Who wants a part time love? Who wants to be with someone who doesn't know what love truly is? No one that I know of. Yet we may be with someone who loves us with one foot in the door and one out… maybe we squander away something beautiful with someone special because our selfish egos outweigh the love were willing to give… the extra mile were willing to go. Or maybe we thought we were someone's whole world only to regrettably realize that we were considered just a boring spouse whom they used to procreate children with all the while chasing every skirt or John in town behind our back unbeknownst to us. 

As I drove and gazed into the pale blue-hued sky streaked with clouds my mother spoke and snapped me out of my mental reverie. "Have you found any options on the dating sites?"

"Ha!" I laughed then soberly replied "Ummm, that would be a no." I told her. "I mean, I've messaged a few guys back and forth… there's been some communication, but nothing viable."

"There's just not any that match up what you're looking for?" She asked.

"MmmmmHmmm" I mumurred as we jumped on the freeway. I checked my speed and surveyed the vehicles. "I just don't think there is anyone out there who is going to match up on everything." I told her  matter of fact.

"Well, what's been the issues with the ones you've messaged?" She asked as she dug around in her purse for lip balm. It's a universal issue for women that keys and lip balm always mysteriously disappear into the depths of handbags never to be found again.

"Well one guy seemed okay until I found out he has an alcohol issue. That's a no go. Then there was the guy who seemed really great until I found out he doesn't see his kids except for just holidays, they live out of state with the mother. That was a no go. Then there was the guy who seemed like a good choice except he smokes. I can't handle smoke, I'll end up hacking and have to use an inhaler. Then there was the guy who stated he was a Christian but his questionnaire contradicted that because he expected sex after the third date. That was a big no."

"Okay, that all seems reasonable. " She agreed "But I still think the best way is to just meet someone."

"Yeah…" I trailed off then spoke, changing lanes to the left to pass someone. "Where would that be? I have too many deal breakers and must haves. I mean, if you get on there and look at those dating sites there are literally maybe a handful of Christian men to choose from and those don't always match up on the other criteria I'm looking for. I'd like to find someone with a daughter but most of them seem to have boys. It's like there was a plethora of boys being born in the age range I'd want. I want someone who isn't addicted to anything, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. I really don't think that's asking for too much. Somebody down to earth, who can work with his hands so I don't emasculate him with my wonder bar, "I told her with a grin and she laughed.


I turned the air up a couple notches so she wouldn't get cold because I'm a hothead and didn't want to hog the thermostat. "Somebody who doesn't live for TCU football and had their Daddy pay for everything they have because that just makes me nauseous," I smirked "Someone with a beard because I'm not attracted to waxed and primped, someone who lives for Christ, someone who is kind and sees the beauty in a person not just the exterior. So many of the guys on these sites haven't even had kids yet… I'm amazed that by nearly forty so many men are just now wanting to start a family. I mean, that doesn't work for me…" I paused with exasperation "I'm done having babies… so to be with someone who wants to have them is out of the question for me. I'd be open to adoption but that's it… I don't know… "I sighed and she spoke...

"I think you do have too many must haves. Maybe a guy with younger boys is someone you should consider. If you think a step-daughter who will one day be a teenager is going to be a picnic think again. A guy who is a good match might not be available right now… he might be married right now and divorced in a few years when you meet him. Either that or everything you're looking for simply doesn't exist." She told me. 

I glanced over at her "It really isn't a big deal… I do fine being on my own and in some ways I like it that way… if it happens, great, but I'd be shocked if it does. At the end of the day I'm not willing to settle for so so…  I want someone amazing and I'm not agreeing to anything less… gee, it'd be a whole lot easier if God just sent down a memo saying who to pick. I think the free will thing is bit overrated."

Free will. It's too bad God doesn't stick a post-it note on our bedside table to let us know who we should choose to marry. But thankfully there are some things we can follow in relation to God's guidance in choosing a mate. We can read our bibles and find advice after concrete advice of what makes up a godly man (or proverbs wife). Just like we can pick up a map to find the way in our travels or with the press of a button have a voice guide us to our next destination, we have God's word to lead us in making wise sound decisions. 

What we learn the second time around when dating and choosing a potential mate… we may wish we had that wisdom and clarity back when we were younger on the first go-round. We may not realize when were twenty-two and naive as a baby lamb what were truly signing up for when we say "I do." We may not know God well when we marry, we may not know what unequally yoked means, we may not know much of anything including very little about ourselves. 

Instead we get our britches in a wad and want everything to happen now… we want the wedding, the house, the babies and the white picket fence and we want it asap. We fall in love. We are perhaps to our own detriment idealistic. Then when everything doesn't turn out quite how we pictured it because we picked out someone who is not a good soul but maybe more like Lucifer himself… we wail in despair wanting out of the big ole mess we are in… we cry out to God and ask for assistance. Or maybe we pick someone who isn't evil at all but just wasn't a wise choice (darn that free will thing sneaking up to bite us in the butt)... and now we're dealing with the fallout of that choice years in.

The most important thing we can do when we are open to dating someone aka finding our potential mate is to just. be. patient. Impatience can bring forth a slew of nasty problems in our life as the result of hurrying to find someone. 

If we go into a potential relationship we can ask ourselves 5 important questions to save ourselves much heartache and trouble. 

1. Would this relationship please God? If it's not going to please Him then it won't work. 

2. Is this person a believer? We can stamp anything on something… we can stamp green beans on a can and people will tell you it's green beans. But what if it's really not? Someone telling you their a Christian isn't enough; actions always speak louder than words. There are people disguised as sheep who are truly wolves underneath; an unbeliever could potentially fake being a Christian to be with you. Then later as the relationship progresses or worse after you've become husband and wife they will reveal their true belief and character to you. 

3. If you've been a Christian for quite some time and you find yourself interested in pursuing a relationship with a new Christian, beware. A new Christian will not have the same level of spiritual maturity as you do… you're both at entirely different places in your growth as followers of Christ and one will inevitably drag down the other; one of you will have to be the sounding board all the time i.e.; one of you will have to be the one who gives all the spiritual direction. Instead of two equal partners we now have a parent-child relationship.

4. If you're dating someone who has been married previously how does their past impact your relationship? How as a couple and individually are you going to come together as a reflection of Christ and work through the various challenges? If children are present is the co-parenting with their other parent amicable or contentious? Realize that if you sign up to marry someone who is in continual custody issues it will likely affect your spouses mood and at times they may need extra emotional support from you; are you able and willing to give it? Are you willing to put in the effort for the long haul? You may be the only positive role model his/her children have; are you up to that responsibility?

5. I have heard from countless folks who never dreamed of loving someone again or ever marrying after divorce and yet they have found a partner who is such a blessing in their life. They have learned the hard way what works in marriage and what doesn't and thankfully can actively use that knowledge positively in their second marriage. For some it's the first time they have experienced true safety and intimacy in a relationship. Marriage does not fix or remove our baggage we have from past relationships, emotional or physical abuse, etc… it will not act as a bandaid… but ask yourself this: Is this person is open to healing? Are they open to dealing with what they've experienced? If they are that's half the battle… make the effort to go to pre-marital counseling and see if there are any issues that still need addressing. What your partner has been through has partly made them who they are today… celebrate them and the love you have together in Christ.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

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The Foundation Of A Christian Marriage: 3 Tips

“Blueprints” by Gualberto107 via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Building a great marriage based on God's word takes time, dedication and work. It's similar to building a house… if we don't begin with the basic foundation and check the blueprints, our house won't be very solid… it might even crumble, yikes.

We don't want to go into marriage believing in God yet then ironically not include Him in our marital relationship… that seems so silly yet it actually happens. Intentional? Probably not but it's damaging just the same. We want to be intentional in our marriages and our relationship with the Lord. Otherwise we just might wake up one day years into our marriage and see the glaring truth before us… yes, we believe in God yet we didn't once contemplate what He wanted for us and our marriage… instead we ignored our bibles, we didn't read good solid teaching and articles on what makes a successful Christian marriage and we didn't look to other couples who are in those solid marriages through our church and community or even seek our pastor for counsel when needed. 


We can see that the key difference is commitment versus merely stamping a religious label or denomination on ourselves such as Protestant, Catholic, Baptist, etc and thinking our work is done. It goes back to the question Kyle Idleman poses in his book Not A Fan… are we mere fans or followers? As Christians our marriage should reflect actively following Christ not just being a fan… this means actions hold much more weight than pretty words. 


So what can we do as believers to cultivate a great marriage that includes God?

There are several points to consider: Here are 3… 


1. As a couple it's so important to take the time to read the bible together or even side by side and then taking the time to discuss. Also, reading articles on marriage that are Christian based can help bring discussion to the table for a couple… what is your perspective of the advice in it? Do you see any of those issues in your own marriage? Receiving daily devotionals sent to your email and sharing the ones that hit home for you with your spouse can lead to conversation as well.

PRAYER IS LIKE ACTIVELY TAKING YOUR ALLERGY MEDICATION; if you know pollen and grass make you break out in hives you'd likely take your medicine right? Of course you would; it would act as your preventative against catastrophe. Reading the bible together as a couple is kinda the same thing… when we are pro-active and pray life over our relationship versus neglecting it's health we are doing a good thing!


2. It's important that both spouses are partners…. one particular verse may become twisted to ones own liking… 

For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church; he gave his life to be her Savior. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything.

And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church. And we are his body.

Ephesians 5:23-32

Husbands may believe that since the scripture states their wife must submit to them that they then have the authority and discretion to do anything and everything they choose… however unloving. But the scripture is clear that husbands are to love their wives. It reminds us of a domino effect. If a husband is loving his wife; leading her toward God and making sound decisions that reflect Christ not the world… then his wife will gladly submit. Conversely, if a husband is not loving his wife and is treating her poorly, maybe even with emotional or physical abuse it only stands to reason that she may not feel loved by him… actions speak volumes and if a husband is behaving more like a jailer than a follower of Christ his wife and marriage will suffer. 

Partnership is vital in a marriage; one person is not worth more in Christ's eyes whether man or woman… both bring wonderful, different but VALUABLE qualities to the table. 

She may be weaker than you are, but she is your 
equal partner in God's gift of new life.

Husbands when leading should do so with love not anger, wrath and control 

Remember that you each have a right to be heard, to calmly and respectfully relay any concerns you have regardless of whether it is finances, in-laws, children, sex or even a vacation or new purchase. When we take the time to really hear (not just be ready with our response) what our spouse wants it shows we care and that their perspective is just as important… this can only serve to bring couples closer together rather than pushing them apart. 

3. Couples need to protect their marriage from outside forces… satan is delighted to use any and all tactics he can to infiltrate a marriage; to annihilate love and any sweet expression of it. Satan's number one goal is to destroy… namely family. If the devil can destroy a marriage he will divide a husband, wife and children. Sex was created by God for married couples to show their love to one another and for procreation… it's so incredibly important for husbands and wives to utilize the tools they are given to protect their intimate relationship.

If you're struggling with emotions from a past relationship that included sex.. (or even that didn't) and it's overshadowing your marriage it's so essential to pray for forgiveness to God… just be honest with Him and admit this is a struggle and that you need help. Repent and commit anew to your marriage… follow God's will for your life; be obedient to Him, ask for strength and that no weapons formed against your marriage may prosper. 

Shield yourself and your spouse from any potential sexual sin so it doesn't infiltrate your marriage; say no to porn and filth on the television screen, share email accounts and keep strong boundaries between yourselves and those of the opposite sex…  turn to God and ask Him to chisel your mindset so that you each honor one another and show love in the healthiest of ways that please Him. God wants us to enjoy a relationship of sweet intimacy with our loved one and when we do that in the purest of ways it is sacred, unmarred and full of joy. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

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50 Shades: Christian Grey Reflects The World Not Christ

Fifty Shades: Christian Grey Reflects The World Not Christ

If you're a woman you've likely heard of the book Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James. It's the story of a naive unworldly college woman named Anastasia or "Ana" Steele who meets up with wealthy businessman Christian Grey. It has not only received criticism from the secular world due to it being poorly written but also from Christians who have dubbed it as ungodly. It's bewilderingly ironic to see that E L James has named the leading male character "Christian" when his name reflects everything but Christ.

Just because it's fiction doesn't mean it's okay to read. 

Yet even fiction can be a reflection 

of God's truth… 

but Fifty Shades of Grey is 

anything but. 

I didn't go see the movie Magic Mike, nor have I read Fifty Shades of Grey (I've read enough off the Wikipedia page for Fifty Shades to feel like I've already read it unfortunately)… and I won't go see the movie. (And btw, did anyone see that "Love Guru" scene on the Bachelor Monday night? That was ridiculously inappropriate on abc's part to promote and my heart went out to sweet Carly: you are beautiful, sweet, genuine and if any man has never seen that shame on him.) Back to the point of this... the fan base for the book Fifty Shades appears to be predominately married females in their thirties. It has been referred to as "Mommy Porn"… which frankly, makes me recoil with an upset stomach. I can't imagine any man (definitely godly man) wanting his wife to read Fifty Shades of Grey… a man who is following Christ is not going to condone that for his sweet wife to read. He is going to want his wife to put Christ first in her life… him second and he would naturally want her physical satisfaction and connection to come from him not from within the pages of a book with views of control, fantasy and abuse.

Fifty Shades of Grey is basically porn… 

It doesn't represent anything Christ
 would be in agreement with. 

He would not hand any woman 

that book and say:

 "Here, read this." 

He would say:

 "Please put the book down, turn from this sin. Go and start anew." 

We as women need to be especially tuned into what is entertainment and what is not. Watching a man strip down to his tightie whities (yes, you just read that) and strutting around is not entertainment Jesus would nod and say "Okay" to… seriously. Watching a woman being dominated by a man who is consumed with control is not going to be okay in God's book. Some of the questions we can ask ourselves are why do we view this book and movie as entertainment? Why are we feeling the need to read or watch this type of material? What are we feeling as though we are missing out on? What is lacking in our lives? Are we lacking excitement? Maybe one way to look at a lack of excitement in our lives is looking for healthy solutions to the issue. If I'm not on ADHD medication I am one restless person, like a squirrel in a cage, I constantly want to escape. If money were no object and I was sans medication I would be in Thailand or Ireland tomorrow… I want adventure, I want excitement, I want to travel. So I totally get the desire for some excitement in life… and that is perfectly fine, but how are we going about it? Are we in prayer with God? Are we looking for a fun vacation spot to explore and booking tickets? Are we taking a hot air balloon ride or zip-lining to feel a thrill? Are we stepping out of our comfort zone with volunteering? It's not that wanting excitement is bad, it's the actions were taking to do something about it that matter.

Excitement. 
How are we going about finding it? 

There is something concerning with supporting books like Fifty Shades of Grey… and not just for Christian women but all women, really. I don't know that we necessarily have to be a Christian to find issue with the book… I don't know that we have to be female either. Men have plenty of reason to be up in arms about the material as well. This book is promoting female resistance, conditioning and submission, male dominance and abuse including emotional. The relationship between Ana and Christian has nothing to do with equality, with respect, with empowering women… is this a book a man would want his daughter reading? Likely not. For some reason even though this is 2015 the message is still being sent to women that to engage in sexual relationships equates to being all-powerful and being a modern woman. This cannot be further from the truth. Why is the glorification and glamorizing of women in sexual relationships being continued? Maybe we as a society need to find ways to redefine power and strength for females… because it seems our skewed definition of those two words have become confused and linked to sex for whatever reason.


We as a society need someone to step in… to hold both men and women accountable when it comes to porn. One would think that could possibly or should be the church. Perhaps we need the church to speak up, for Pastors to do sermons on the dangers of dabbling in erotic books and viewing these movies… men are visual creatures by nature… the porn industry has preyed on that fact with porn having exploded in popularity the past few decades via the internet and unfortunately now women are following in male footsteps by reading erotica. Until churches step out of their own comfort zones and are willing to (take risks) address both men and women and give guidance to them under Christ's guide to a fruitful life, society will continue to flounder. We can't expect change, transformation if churches are only focusing on the "luke warm" issues and not the hot and heavy topics so to speak.

We need to stay pure in our thoughts. Reading erotica only serves to create issues… no where in the Song of Songs do we find descriptions that include BDSM or words that represent a sinful nature… but instead the sweet, captivating, thrilling and intoxicating connection between a married man and woman who are absolutely smitten with one another in godly marital intimacy. The movie Fifty Shades will be released for Valentine's, a day that should be about love and showing the one we vowed to cherish forever the loving sacred standard God desires for us in our relationships. 

When we rebuke the sins of the world and all its lust and gloss fancied up in a pretty package to lure us in, when we see it for what it truly is… a deceptive act and trick of the devil… we will stand in victory. When we say no to what the world cries is "just entertainment" but we know Jesus would take issue with us reading or watching… we may stand alone but that is perfectly okay. Standing alone isn't something to be ashamed of… being called "prude", etc is nothing to be embarrassed about, standing alone is brave, standing alone can be sticking to what you know Christ wants for you when the world is garnering for the opposite. And that's okay.


Christ isn't looking at what the world finds popular, He isn't concerned with what has the highest ratings, the best reviews or the most sales… He is most concerned with obedience, with us following him, with our total and complete surrender… putting down what He says to put down and living a fruitful life… what are we sacrificing? What are we giving up? What are we shedding in our life to support the kingdom?


One way to do that is to not pick up anything he deems evil and not life producing…

But instead to do what is pleasing to Him.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

To My Readers; Thank you for your readership & sharing! 

Husbands & Wives: You Have 2 Jobs

winter 2012

names have been omitted in this post  

*****************

My soon to be ex husband and I sat in the tiny office of the psychiatrist. The office with it's minimally decorated cream walls, modern black desk and three plastic chairs flanking one wall… the three of us sat as the psychiatrist listened to our valid concerns over our sons most recent meltdown or "fit" as we often called them. He would nod as we gave further explanation, acknowledging he was hearing what we were saying… his fingers typed rapidly on his keyboard as he took notes. He listened carefully and then nodded... turning to our son he spoke, "Okay… let's go over this again. When you began coming here… we had a talk. Right?" He asked our son looking to him for agreement.

Our son nodded.

"And what was it we discussed? What was it that we agreed were your two jobs?" He asked him, leaning forward in his black swivel desk chair.

"My two jobs are go to school and listen to my parents." our son told him quietly with his hands in his lap.

"That is correct. You have two jobs. Go to school and listen to your parents. So if you're having fits then that means you're not listening to mom and dad. Correct?" He confirmed giving him a long look.

"Yes." our son admitted.

"Okay… so let's not lose track of what exactly you're supposed to be doing. You need to stick to your two jobs and nothing else. Alright?"

"Yes sir." our son told him.

********************

Jobs. 

We all have them. It seems so simple of a concept but listening to the psychiatrist break down everything our son needed to do under the heading of two very simple jobs made it even easier to see where our sons focus needed to be versus where not.

It's really not much different for us, is it?

As women we are often expected to wear many hats… but even men who have jobs that are more demanding than others can relate… we can all undoubtedly get swept away with all the things we need to do… whether it's on a daily basis or just life in general… and sometimes we lose touch with what our job truly is.

When we get married we gain two jobs

And not just any two jobs. But the two most important jobs we will ever have in this lifetime. Today, if you're married I'm writing to gently remind you of those two jobs… because we can tend to forget… I know I did when I was married. We can undoubtedly forget that when we say "I do" there is then much that we choose to "don't" do. For Christian couples who are dedicated to putting God and their spouses first it's essential to review what those two jobs really look like.

When we marry we vow to honor and love our spouse… before God… and we know that not one person in the union is to be the dominant one… instead that the two become one before God and are there to serve the Almighty King. It takes three to have a successful marriage and putting God first at the head of the relationship sets the very foundation for it to thrive. When we realize that our marriage is not truly ours to mess with… it's not ours to neglect, it's not ours to shun or turn our backs on or choose not to serve in… that it's actually God's union, it's in His jurisdiction and we are there to follow what He deems loving and life producing… we will be much better off and our marriage will reflect it.

Today I would ask you what you've done for your spouse? 

Today I would even go so far as to ask if you're divorced... 
What could you have done for your spouse that you didn't?

It's something to think on…

If you're married I'd ask you today what you could do that would be choosing selfless over self? What could you choose to do that would be putting God first and not you? What could you do that would tell your spouse "I thought of you" without any strings attached?

And then go do it.

We have two jobs when were married: 

1. Put God first
2. Love our spouse


When we love God first it becomes easier to love our spouse and look out for them… it gets us past our egos, past our own louder than life needs and wants that can threaten to overtake anything our spouse perhaps desires.


So today take a little time… to think of how you could do a better job at your two jobs.

I wrote this post aimed at both sexes because it is something that applies to everyone, not just women, not just men. At the end of the day no matter how good, bad or toxic a marriage is… even post divorce we can look at patterns in our own past behavior and see where we could do better if we ever marry again. Tomorrow would have been my fifteen year wedding anniversary and with that each year reflection is good for anyone who has divorced. In my own marriage I could have done a better job at my two jobs:

1. I could have prayed over my marriage more
2. I could have sought more guidance from God in the day to day annoyances
3. I could have bought him those tickets to the game or race he would have loved as a surprise
4. I could have taken better care of myself (rest) and worried less about household chores
5. I could have just gone with him to see the guy movies (Marvel) he loved and watched them because at the end of the day it made him happy


Granted, these are just a few… obviously all of us would have many more… but it's something to think about… when we say "I do" we obviously aren't also agreeing to neglecting God, to not praying over the little things, to choosing ourselves over our partner, to letting the frictions between us and our spouse grow or to allowing demands from work, kids and in-laws come between us. Yet that is often what happens in marriage because we lose focus on what we're supposed to be doing. Instead, are we saying "I do" to our spouse each and every day?… our job right after living for Him is to love him/her.

So how would you grade the job you're doing?

Would you give yourself an A? B?

Maybe a shaky C?

There is always room for improvement… maybe it's time to go ask Him what you can do to love the one you said "I do" to better.

God will be so glad you did.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 


                                    

                                           

                                               

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting & sharing! 

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Honey vs Vinegar 

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What Can You Do For Your Spouse? 5 Tips

“Ask not what your country 

can do for you; 

ask what you can 

do for your country.”

-  John F. Kennedy 

That quote by John F. Kennedy  is one that still rings true today… and even applies to other facets of our lives. In our marriages we may often ask what exactly our spouse is going to do for us? And yet the truth is… both sexes should be asking what specifically can they do to please their spouse? 

Our ultimate role in marriage… for men and women (and goal) is to reflect Christ. Each day if we wake up asking ourselves the question of… What can I do today?… whether it's this morning before I head to work, at mid-day... or this evening what can I do that will show my spouse love? … and then once we follow through… we will be on the path of loving the one we married oh so much better and our marriage will shine outward from within. 

1. Nurture:

Today in the modern world we may believe nurturing, caring for a man is seen as silly, perhaps even outdated or antiquated. But when did showing our love for someone…. anyone… especially the one person we vowed to love, care for and stay true to become passé? It could be argued that some folks would have been better suited to be born in a different time, maybe a different era… but at the end of the day is there truly anything wrong with showing our affection for someone we care for with a homemade meal? A batch of fresh cookies? A cup of hot coffee brought to them as a surprise? A sweet note left on their windshield? Their favorite book inscribed with a love note and left on their bedside table waiting for them? It's the little things like these in life that are meaningful and finding out what makes our spouse tick, what they enjoy… what they hold dear to them is always worth the extra effort. 

2. Create A Haven:

Home should be a place where you come together with the one you love… where walls keep out the world and together you nest in comfort. Wives don't have to spend a fortune to make a house a home. Husbands want to come home and see the woman they love… he wants to breath a sigh of relief that he's in the haven he's provided and you've created. Together… you make a great team… home is a place of warm inviting scents like lasagna or cinnamon bread baking… a Yankee candle in your favorite scent burning… blankets to cuddle under... houseplants that bring life to a room… photos hanging of the both of you on your last vacation together… and you wearing his shirt when he comes in the door… (sigh)… it's these little things that matter and make up the beautiful place he refers to as "home." 

3. Date Night:

When were married it's essential we take the time to have date nights. As women we can't deny that occasionally we want to dress up and feel extra special for a night. We want to look nice and spend time with our guy. A few years ago when my ex-husband and I went to see Phantom of the Opera I wore a long gown… it was the one formal gown in a sea of short dresses but I didn't care. I loved that gown… I still do… one day I'll wear it again to something special with someone I love. And yet we can also spend quality time with our spouse just grabbing dinner in jeans or sweats on a patio after an afternoon of gardening, going to the local botanical gardens or a car show. Spending time together doesn't have to cost a fortune… it doesn't have to be over the top… but taking the time to plan something means everything. 

4. He Wants You:

Men have a desire in their marriage to show their love and affection for their spouse... they want to make love to their wife. Someone who truly loves you won't make you feel indebted... as if sex is to be a trading of food, shelter, etc. We know this. But sex can lead to problems even in the healthiest of couples. If a wife or husband is over extending themselves too often... if work or child care is becoming all consuming and the energy simply isn't there for making love... then the marriage screams of imbalance. Raising the bar will simply add more stress and undoubtedly frustration for both people. It's time to look at where more time as a couple can be added in small increments. Maybe that project can wait. Can the dishes be put off another night? Perhaps small amounts of time can be blocked out each week as a start and build from there. What can be removed from the schedule? Does little Johnny really need to play soccer again this season? Maybe couple-time has been put on the back burner due to an overload of activities planned. Another aspect to consider is when was the last vacation? Especially without children? It's essential that couples have plenty of uninterrupted time away so they can connect and re-charge. 

5. Speak Love: 

After we marry we often get so caught up in the day to day. Yet we don't want to forget the little things we said and did when we were in the courtship stage of our relationship. Whether we take him a hot coffee to his office with a sweet note written on it because we know he's freezing, or we tell him "You make my heart smile"... "I'm so blessed"... or he says "I can't wait to see you tonight"... it's important that we share how we feel. It's essential that we pause and ask ourselves how much life have we spoken over and to our spouse that day? Were we patient? Difficult? Short? Critical? When were humble, when we step forward and speak up where we weren't so lovely... whether we sincerely apologize or just make an effort to speak love into our relationship… when we pray for our spouse... we know we are watering the roots for our bond to grow stronger and undoubtedly our love will bloom even more oh so beautifully. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Loving Her As God Would Want Him To

It's that moment of butterflies… you see him… he sees you. Striding toward him you feel a slight girlish nervousness take over and your heart skips a tiny beat…  then he smiles and asks how you are and yet in that momentary pack of nerves there is a friendly comfortableness with him. You could quite possibly bare your soul… it's like an unspoken connection… for whatever reason you feel a pull and wonder if something… like a tiny seed could grow here… between you both… you can feel it… like something really special is possible… something longterm could possibly thrive if allowed. But you don't know if he feels the same so you hold back… you keep quiet and remain reserved in expression as you don't want to pursue something that may be merely a figment of your imagination… as doubt creeps in… and at the end of the day you don't want to foolishly believe there is interest where there isn't. So you hold back… you hold back and just observe… perfectly content with waiting to discover on a slow timetable if there truly is more to this than what you wonder.


Time goes by like the song and eventually there are subtleties that cannot be ignored… that cannot be explained away… glances and blushes that cannot be merely brushed aside… and the idea of "were just friends…" no longer applies… instead you realize that you want to get to know him better… to spend time with him… to crawl into his head and heart and learn about who he is… where he's from, what brought him to this current place in time… and where he's going… you want to share a meal of french fries and laughs…. you want to sip milkshakes and flirt like two crushes… you want to link arms, rest your head on his shoulder and walk though a garden of fragrant gardenias. You believe he wants the same. You imagine in-depth late night conversations bringing you together…  frank discussions of past struggles and any fears of the future… giggles and easy laughter emitted over coffee or tea…  thoughts, feelings and values verbalized. You want to hear all his stories and share yours on a blanket in the grass while watching the sun set… listening to music on a patio, sharing a slice of cherry cheesecake and a wine tinged kiss of affirmation that yes, he feels the same way as you have all along… the moment is as close to perfection if there ever was such a thing… here you are, you're ready to take the relationship to the next level…

and yet…

you are so glad it stops there with that one kiss that night.

Because there will be other nights…

Other moments…

and other kisses.


Cinderella knew when it was time to leave… to descend the stairs and depart… she knew when to walk away… to say no and not stay longer than she should… and as women we can know when to walk away as well. If a moment becomes too intimate… if it begins to move too quickly… faster than were prepared for when were dating someone… if the course and speed of intimacy is quickly becoming not in alignment with what we believe is best for the course of a relationship between us and a man, we can remind ourselves it's perfectly fine to put the brakes on… it's perfectly okay to say "Goodnight", "Wait a minute" or "We need to slow down" and walk away. It's perfectly alright to graciously and honestly tell him "I've had a lovely time but I need to get going now." It's more than acceptable to be honest with him wrapped in kindness, fetch your coat and bag and depart…


A man who truly loves you, who is pursuing you, will understand all this…

He loves her… what began as interest over time grew to care… which eventually developed into tender love… she worships and praises God and he thanks Him for letting her path meet his… he loves the way she says "awww…" in that lovely soft way to let him know she understands… he sees how strong she is… brave… and is awed by her tenacity to keep going despite life's obstacles thrown at her… she sees glimpses of how beautifully he sees her soul by the twinkle in his eyes when he smiles hello at her… he is tickled by the way she ruffles her hair and expresses her thoughts on her face when she smirks… yet he soberly knows her hurt within… and one day he wants to make sweet love to her where all her scars are and seal them up with raw kisses… he wants to gently caress her cheek with his five o'clock shadowed chin, bury his face deep in her head of brown locks, breathe in the scent of her pomegranate shampoo and huskily whisper "I love you…"


She loves him as well…  he strides like he can confidently handle anything yet exudes a humbleness in character and uses discernment when it comes to life's situations… he follows through. She sees his kindness, his compassion and heart for others. She smiles with gratitude at his loyalty to her and hers towards him. She sees him as someone who stands for "it's a beautiful life" despite any hardships because like a garden of lovely roses there is so much natural beauty to be found in this world…  she's appreciative of the little things in life and she finds joy in sunshine, rainy Saturdays, a warm meal and the comforts of home…  she wants to be by his side, to walk in virtue, to laugh absurdity in the face alongside him, to create a beautiful abode filled with pictures and memories they have and will share… to love him, to purposefully care for him now and forever…


The greatest gift he could ever give her was loving her consistently.

He wanted her to always be honest with him.

He wanted her to say no if she felt it appropriate.

He wanted her to stop what she didn't want going further.

And if she didn't… he unabashedly would for her.

He wanted her to love God more than him.

He didn't want her to ever compromise her values or faith.

He didn't want her to ever waver on what she believed.


That's why when the clock struck midnight… when the night came to an end… or whenever she said "I have to go…" he respected it. He listened. He didn't push or pressure. He honored her. He wanted to love her as God would want him to. He wanted to respect her as He would expect him to.

So when she whispered to him after a wine-tinged kiss and smiled "I have to go…" because she knew herself well enough to know that staying would mean temptation in going further… and she cared too much to let that happen…

He let her.

Why?

Because…  he truly loved her. 


~ Jennifer Gafford (2014)
© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com

to my readers; 

thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!

10 Signs You Have A Loving Relationship: 

1. You talk openly about issues; conversations go beyond the superficial and run deep.
2. You discuss things and are able to find compromise.
3. You both know loyalty is never an option but an absolute must.
4. You're always truthful and never keep secrets from one another.
5. You find each other physically attractive, you're mentally and emotionally compatible.
6. You are best friends and lovers and you can express what you want in bed.
7. You know their faults yet can accept them, as no one is perfect.
8. You accept their past and show them respect.
9. You listen to what they say and confirm what you're hearing.
10. You encourage their own personal growth within the relationship.  

              

   

                                   

                                       

     

                                     

Online Dating: 5 Tips

In this digital world today it can be difficult finding someone to truly connect with… with so many online dating sites it's no wonder we may feel a little overwhelmed by so many choices… and yet then upon a closer look we may disappointingly realize that the "choices" are few and far between. Especially when it comes to finding a Godly man.

If you've been through a breakup or divorce like myself… you likely know what you want… and most definitely what you don't want. With years invested in a marriage, maybe kids too… you likely by now know what you expect from another person… and it's not the bare minimum either. With maturity and life experience you know what your standards are and what you're not willing to compromise on.

If you've been with someone who was verbally, physically or emotionally abusive it's likely you naturally want to take things slow… no one could blame you and yet with online dating it's difficult to know for certain that the person behind the screen is truly who they are portraying themselves to be in their profile and messages sent to you.

So how can you prevent wasting your time on a guy that is not for you, that isn't a man after God and who only hopes to pull the wool over your eyes? It's important to keep in mind that you're God's daughter, His shining jewel… remember His love and His standards for you. This is why it's so incredibly important to keep high standards for yourself… to not compromise on what's best for you and not allow excuses or hurry in finding someone to creep in.


5 Tips For Dating Online:

1. Don't make excuses for a man's poor behavior. Don't fall for common excuses that may come into play like: "He's just really busy" when he doesn't have time for you. Yes, occasionally things do come up. But he should want to spend time with you if he's truly interested and make the time. A man who is interested in a woman will pursue her.

2. Look for balance in his view of his past relationships. A man who has been in many relationships or multiple marriages and speaks ill of every woman he's been with… beware. The common denominator is him… it's highly plausible that each and every one of the women he's been with are perfectly nice women… it may be that he's the issue.

3. Remember that you're God's daughter and worthy of a wonderful healthy love. You don't have to allow yourself to get in a hurry and end up settling. You don't have to take less than you deserve, like being put on the back burner, getting the run around and expected to be a hook-up. Remain confident in that.

4. Watch for behaviors that signal a problem. Men who are crass, rude to wait staff, rude to his mom, (or your family) need to be shown the door. Don't waste another minute on him… one day that rude behavior will inevitably be turned on you. If he has huge debt, if he drinks too much, if he drinks and drives, flirts with other women, lies, is disrespectful to you in any way… if he focuses on image, his vehicle, just his needs and wants… if he's critical of you, dismisses you, displays a lack of empathy toward you and others… if he doesn't work, if he is addicted to drugs, if he's abusive in any way shape or form, run and don't look back.

5. If you're a Christian and he isn't… no matter how many other things line up… if the foundation isn't there… if you don't share the same values and love for Christ… no matter how much you try... it simply won't work. Like the song, an "All You Need Is Love" mentality by the Beatles isn't realistic, it's merely an empty platter without substance. A relationship requires so much more. Don't waste your time on someone who isn't after God's heart. Because the truth is, you can't change him and he's not your project. A relationship shouldn't be agenda based...

But centered on Christ.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!


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