The Narc's Family: 5 Ugly Little Secrets Behind Closed Doors

I grew up in a family of secrets. Initially I didn't know this. But as time went on I realized my family wasn't like everyone else's. When I say "my family" I really mean in the male sense, the head of the family… because he, the patriarch, a stunted child in the body of a grown man was the orchestrator of the crazy behind closed doors. As a child it was bit by little bit over a period of time I realized my family wasn't like everyone else's. How did I realize this? School. School was the only outlet I had to the outside world and the only glimpse I had into how my family operated differently from the other children's I shared class with each day. If I'd been home schooled I likely would have been kept in the dark far longer than I was… but because I had that outlet, light occasionally peeked in and with that light came hope… that there was different. That there was normal. That there was better. That there was healthy. And hope means maybe… just maybe one day I could have those things too… and the dark would melt away indefinitely.

*************************

The fine art… the jade tree… the image of superiority … the carved frames special ordered from New York… the family tree…. the name dropping… the antique furniture… the stuff… my God, the stuff… it never ended… the stuff. It would make anyone cut shopping cold turkey. It would cure anyone of collecting. It would drive anyone to a life of minimalism and serenity… because serene was not our life. Our life was busy, crowded, overflowing, excess… our life was every corner filled, every shelf covered, every table surface piled… our life was buy, spend, buy… our life was "Man, that was too good a deal to pass up!"…. 

Our life was "Don't touch that!", "Don't sit there!", "Find something to do!" and "Stop it! You're embarrassing me!"….

Our life was "Ohhh, that isn't worth much… I tell you what I'll do… I'll give you fifty dollars for it…." and then later after the customer left… "People are so stupid… you see this painting? I can sell this for a few hundred dollars." <insert triumphant smug smile> or even better, "I can sell this for a few thousand dollars." 

It was a facade of an art gallery because reality was much of what came in was kept for personal gain, for victory, for a high, to feed the addiction within. It was a first hand lesson in screwing people, in tricking people, in what to do to feed the hungry selfish devil within. It was narcissistic to the core and just because I was a child didn't mean for a second I didn't know what was happening. Children are typically keenly aware of their parents ill character… (unless they are being successfully alienated by a sociopath from a healthy parent) because to believe otherwise it's acting as though children are inept idiots, quite frankly. Most children know if their parent's character is reflective of being a slime ball if it fits the bill. Most children are painfully and honestly aware that yes, unfortunately they got jipped and somehow managed to get in the line of having a criminally prone parent. And yes, the child at the cusp of adulthood has every individual right to discard the parent upon fully digesting and realizing the fact(s) a parent is not a healthy figure in their life or at the very least keep them at arm's length. 

***************************

5 Signs You Are The Child Of A Narcissistic Parent:

1. Everything is about one parent and one parent only:
A family's entire life revolves around this one parents wants, needs, hobby, career and dreams, etc. There is a lot done in tempering the narc's bad moods, anger, outbursts, need for sex, etc that there may be little time or energy left for family life… each situation is different in terms of the scale of "crazy" taking place and some may certainly cope better than others.


2. The golden child versus the black sheep:
The narcissistic parent always chooses a golden child who he/she favors and gains narcissistic supply from to build himself/herself up, as the child is an extension of their ego. The child is seen as a possession not a little person (individual) with thoughts, feelings and dreams of his or her own. The black sheep is used also; the one who is the cause of any problems in the family, the parent projects their own negative feelings of worthlessness onto that child. Any other children may be viewed as unnecessary, as just "extras" as they serve no purpose and may be viewed with detachment. Who is chosen as the golden child and who is chosen as the black sheep can change over time depending on how it suits the narc parent. Regardless, these siblings typically grow up with division… because triangulation (and gas lighting) is often used by the narcissistic parent to create mini wars where siblings and even their other parent are pitted against one another… there is a lot of "She told me this… or he told me that…" and then when the sibling doesn't verify the facts from the other sibling or parent a division has craftily been created by the narc parent… depending on how it would serve him/her. These siblings may grow up having difficulties maintaing healthy close sibling relationships and find themselves often at odds with one another or even emotionally detached to one another as a result.


3. Narcissists are not in touch with their feelings:
They don't express themselves, they don't share their thoughts and feelings. They are not nurturers, nor affectionate. Instead they are bottled up, stuffers and exploders. They have not learned the necessary skills to share their feelings in a healthy manner because they don't believe feelings even matter… to them that is trivial and not needed. Some communication is done in a "in your face manner" with screaming, cussing and fits. Typically most communication is done via messenger… something is told to one family member and instructed to be passed by them to another… information of how someone is angry, hurt, or been wronged in some fashion is done passive aggressively versus face to face in a civilized calm manner with tact, grace and understanding. That scenario doesn't exist in a narcissistic family dynamic.


4. Narcissistic parents don't love their kids:
They don't feel love or empathy. They don't have a connection with their child. The child may be "bought" by toys, outings, gifts, clothing, newly decorated bedrooms, trips, iPhones, etc… but in determining whether a parent is healthy for a child it's imperative to closely look at the connection the child has with the parent. If all those material items, all those glorious incentives were stripped away would there be anything there? Would the child feel loved? Would the child feel closeness? Would the child feel a bond? More than likely the sad answer is… no. Because the child is being bought. They aren't being listened to. They aren't being heard. They aren't being valued. They aren't being encouraged to be authentic. There may glaring neglect for the children. Instead the child is valued for what they can do for the narcissistic parent not who they are as a person. Instead they are being taught to not love others, to not value people but to instead use them to suit themselves. These children are being taught about everything but good…. the complete opposite of honesty and love… they are being taught that to look out for yourself is number one in life and this thinking leads to the criminal mindset… where customers are unknowingly grossly overcharged based on the vehicle they drive and the brand of sunglasses they wear… where children like myself are told throughout their childhood "No, you can't go to that birthday party. It's unnecessary.", "No, you can't take swimming lessons. I can't afford it." and in the same week he then buys a twenty thousand dollar painting or a Civil War artifact. Where children are continually told "No, you can't get a bike. I don't have health insurance on you."… the same week that parent buys an original bronze statue for five thousand dollars… and yet… his wife suffers without a dishwasher for her growing family and diligently clips coupons as the narcissist buys buys buys his little empty heart away.


5. Perfect On The Outside, Ugly Behind Closed Doors:
In the beginning of this post I talked about secrets and how they make up a large part of a family that includes a narcissistic parent. The secret is… This is the Narc's thinking: "Don't tell anyone were different. Yes, you may think we are… you may know we are, but don't tell… it's an unspoken thing, okay? Because denial is sweeter than reality. So don't ever tell because really… were perfect. You see, it's "those other people" who have the problems, the defects, the issues, the dysfunction in their families. It's really others that aren't "keeping it together", that aren't refined like us… I mean, look AT WHO WE ARE… and WHAT WE OWN… and WHO WE KNOW… and who are you to potentially cross me and discard all of that wonderfulness wrapped with a shiny red bow… because you are here to continue MY LEGACY, my name, to serve my needs. And if you can't do that? If you can't uphold your end of the unspoken "deal"… of the facade I've so carefully crafted for years, maybe even decades, maybe even that my parents have built before me… if you can't adhere to the outward image of perfection as I do… of status…. then I have no use for you. My love is conditional like that. If you can't or won't uphold your end I will be done with you. But that won't be the end of it… I'll stand on my soapbox and slowly play my violin for anyone who will listen… it's song being that you wronged me… you betrayed me… you hurt me… you, you, you… and with each note I will slip further and further… deeper and deeper into that dark ugly pool of wretched denial… that you so as luck would have it… escaped".


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

No child deserves abuse and 

although emotional abuse

 is rarely spoken of it's just as 

harmful and toxic as physical abuse. 

If you are the child of a narcissistic parent:

You didn't do anything wrong. 

You didn't cause this. 

You can't change them.

But you can create a new life…

a life of peace, healing and light.

To My Readers:

Thank you for reading,

commenting and sharing!

Related Posts: 

Six Ways To Help The Narcissistic Child

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/01/divorce-6-ways-to-help-narcissistic.html

Fathers: Shepherding His {Black} Sheep 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/04/father-shepherding-his-black-sheep.html

Once Down In The Gutter And Called A Whore But Came To Know Jesus Died For Me & You

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/03/once-down-in-gutter-called-whore-but.html

6 Ways To Help The Narcissistic Child

My son's kindergarten teacher said something one day that really stuck with me. It was field day at his school and the class was hot and sweaty after an afternoon of relay runs, sack races and tug o' war. She was passing out icy popsicles in a rainbow of colors when one child exclaimed

"Hey! I didn't want this flavor!"

I watched as her eyes narrowed and she turned to speak to him:

"You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." 

I loved that. 

How often do children need to hear that sentence spoken to them? 

Honestly, my own two children seem to need to hear it quite a bit. On some days it feels like it should be on a recorded loop in their head when their vocal chorus threatens to take over: 

"I didn't get the one I wanted." 

"I don't like it." 

"It's not quite right." 

"I want that!" 

"But I want it!!!" 

"Please?!?!" 

We need morals and good examples set for our children more than ever. Today children are being raised to be narcissists. And it takes a lot of dedication, consistency and persistence to raise them unlike the world, unlike the flesh, unlike the sin surrounding us, threatening to engulf us all like a tsunami. 

All children are susceptible to becoming mini narcissists or "narc's" for short. As parents we are in a constant battle against media, against the pressures of other parents condoning their children getting too much too soon and so many reality shows showing excess in homes, cars and disposable income for entertainment that it often seems as if everyone wants to jump on the band wagon with them. 

When Divorce Ups The Chances Of A Narc Child: 

It's not just the coveted iPhone that a parent buys his six year old, or the new teddy bear from Build A Bear he buys her every month or the showering of excessive clothes that creates an issue and possibly a narcissistic child. It's allowing a child to have too many experiences too soon. They can begin to feel entitled to have more and more experiences before they are truly ready for them. 

A parent may unwittingly give into their child's every whim due to their guilt over the divorce… yet this isn't in the best interests of the child long term. It's actually quite detrimental and continually sets the  bar higher and higher each time. Selfish behavior exhibited by children can be learned by a parent who is selfish himself. This is why each generation keeps producing more narcissists… because the children (genetics may have created a baseline for it, and we know all children are ego-centric to some extent but eventually change) … learn from a narcissistic parent to subscribe to "Me! Me! Me!" and emulate them. 

Examples Of Narcissistic Thinking: 

"You owe me!" 

"Serve me!" 

"It's not fair!"  

"Gimme!" 

"Pay attention to me!" 

"If you don't, I'll blow up!" 

"Give it to me!" 

"You better…" 

"Buy it for me!" 

"Now!!!" 

I remember one day right after my divorce was finalized…  my children and I had had a wonderful afternoon at the park… kicking the soccer ball around, walking the trails and them on the swings as they laughed with glee… afterward we piled into the SUV and headed for ice cream. Pulling into a McDonald's parking lot was met with disappointed grunts from the backseat. I glanced in the rearview mirror and spoke "Is there a problem?" 

There came a flood of vocal protests of why couldn't we go to Marble Slab or Cold Stone Creamery? Why couldn't we get waffle cones with sprinkles and a wide array of flavors to choose from? Inward I sighed and bristled but held steadfast to calm and pulled the car into a parking space to turn around and address them. 

"Look, guys… here's the thing. When I was little there wasn't Marble Slab in hot pink neon lights… there wasn't Cold Stone Creamery and tons of flavors. When I was little we had McDonald's… and you know what? That's good enough. Not everything in life comes with banners, confetti  and trumpets. Sometimes the little things are the best things. You know… simple is okay… not something to be sneered at or thought of as less than. Maybe there needs to be a bit more gratitude and less griping." 

We don't have to give in to every whim

 our child cries out for. 

We can stand firm and say "No." 

That's good parenting. 

What they failed to understand is that their level of living with me differed currently from when I was married. And honestly... that was a good thing in my book in regards to them. Sure, their higher level of living remained relatively the same at their father's… but that didn't make it right. That didn't make it healthy. What they failed to understand is that they were spoiled and didn't know it.  No one "owes" them Marble Slab. 

No one "owes" them anything. 

All children require is shelter, a bed, food and healthcare. Children need to be reminded occasionally that their parents home, their cars, their level of living is not theirs. Their parents money, and lifestyle is not theirs nor their success… they are merely temporary recipients of it on some level… while living with them. Children today often erroneously believe they will graduate from college living the same level of income and enjoying the same economic security as their parents… only to be devastatingly brought down a few notches by the reality of student loans, mounting debt and job interview after job interview. 


Divorce & Children: 

Often children feel as though they are entitled, or owed something due to life being glaringly unfair. He or she can't seem to wheedle the item they so desperately covet from one parent so they begin an unmerciful agenda on the other one (sometimes at the other parents egging). This sets up the parents in a battle of their own… because if one parent gives in to blatantly aggravate the other estranged parent and overindulge the child, they are potentially creating a little monster. Likewise, if the doting parent is merely choosing to subscribe to more for their child due to their own insecurities and wanting the child to like them (let me be your friend over parent) rather than setting healthy boundaries it creates all sorts of unnecessary chaos and strife. 



When The Child Emulates Their Abusive Parent: 

The child who feels a lack of structure and healthy boundaries in his or her environment or sees one parent (or both) behaving narcissistic, even dominant or downright abusive… is at a higher risk of becoming a narcissist himself. Divorce upheaves a child's entire world and if they were already exposed to a home environment that was less than healthy due to one parent's domineering ways toward their spouse… the child's social skills and healthy expression may be lacking,  anger taking the place of a healthy dialogue and expression of self. When anger takes over it may become a way of living… of coping however ineffective in interacting with others and often through trial and error of tantrums the child will learn how to manipulate those around them… not much differently than an explosive abusive adult. The child learns how to manipulate by time and time again trying different behaviors on for size and gauging his or her parents reactions. If they get what they desire through coercion of acting out they learn by cause and effect that throwing a fit gets them what they covet… again and again. They switch between moods like channel surfing or Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde…. sweet as pie one moment when they are receiving what they want and the next… lashing out in a rage for not getting the attention, materialism etc they wanted. 



Narcissism Or Aspergers? Maybe Both

This behavior, this switching back and forth between being cool and collected, even loving and alternately throwing fits can hauntingly resemble Aspergers and the fits that sometimes go with it. It is possible for adults with Aspergers to be confused as Narcissists… personally curious about this, I've scoured message board after message board online and found many others to be puzzled about this too. Aspergers naturally has a seed within that causes one to appear a bit more egocentric. As parents it's important to discourage egotistical tendencies and encourage healthy expression of feelings, empathy and giving in our children and why children with Aspergers need all the early behavior intervention that they can obtain to function as well as possible in society as adults. Often we hear Asperger's groups online rally solely for acceptance... acceptance is of course needed. However let's also try to keep in mind that denying the fact a child could benefit from help is to be of disservice to them. Today it may be a question for some people to ponder… could someone with Aspergers also be a sociopath? Anything is possible… as genetics drawn from two people can produce a child that may exhibit characteristics of several different diagnoses. If someone who is a narcissist or on the extreme a sociopath marries someone with Aspergers traits (preys on them, uses them) is it possible for them to then produce a child who later grows up to be a sociopath with Aspergers-like traits? Possibly, yes. 

Minimize The Buying & Say No To Fear: 

One of the best things all parents can do is minimize the buying, minimize the indulging and don't give in to a child out of fear of their fits. It takes guts (and tough love) to stand your ground especially if you have other parents giving you the evil eye in public or feel at your wits end behind closed doors. But don't give in with excuses or special privileges… like "Okay, just this once…" as it makes the child feel superior. This subliminally tells the child they are in control, that they are running the show and it instills a lack of empathy for anyone else's needs or feelings. It becomes all about them and what they need right then instead of being sensitive to the fact others around them also have a need for time, attention, love, space and to voice their own thoughts. 


Teach About Coping By Pointing Out Others Behaviors & By Example: 

To help minimize lashing out in their child a parent can teach their child (at an early age is best but better late than never) how to respond in times of stress, anger and frustration by pointing out how others are coping or their lack of. When we see someone lashing out in traffic and engaging in road rage, that is not the time to ignore it. That is the time to engage our children and have a conversation with them… pointing out the wrong behavior and ask them what they think about it… then ask them how they think the people could have handled it differently if they had a chance at a do over. It will open the lines of communication and help your children see that there is a better, more mature and healthy way to handle anger… that it's not the anger that's bad but what we do with it. If we witness someone, maybe a sales clerk having a difficult time with a customer in public yet see them handle it with dignity, empathy and grace… we can use that scenario to have an honest conversation with our kids… pointing out how well that the situation was handled despite how undoubtedly difficult it was. When we are setting a stellar example ourselves in how we treat others, when we use our manners and smile, when we say "please" and "thank you"… when we ask someone how they are doing at the register, at the drive thru window or the bank… our children notice and over time will follow what we lead by example no matter what we say. 

Help For The Narcissistic Child: 

1. Don't engage in power struggles with your child. 

2. Use positive reinforcement (praise) when they vocalize their feelings in a healthy manner, help others or make good choices. 

3. Teach them (role play if necessary) that when setting boundaries with people they can practice saying "It bothers me when…" or "I become frustrated when…" instead of lashing out. 

4. Encourage and set an example of giving so they don't grow up to believe only taking is acceptable. Get them involved with volunteering through a local charity or church.  

5. Get them to thinking and having an open dialogue… is this issue going to matter tomorrow? Or in an hour? On a scale of one to five how big a deal is this? That you aren't getting your way? That you can't get the toy you want? That you can't go on the play date? Can we find a solution? Is there a cheaper alternative? Maybe some manual labor like raking leaves or washing the car could help you earn the money needed for that new toy. Can we check the calendar and see when another play date is available? Focus on problem solving, hard work and being content with what we have versus being stuck in negative emotions, a "give me" attitude and focusing on what we don't have. 

6. Anger usually always follows hurt. Let's discuss what's really going on here… what are you hurting from? Did someone hurt your feelings? Are you disappointed by something? 


Victory Is Possible: 

When we discover positive ways to help our children and battle any narcissistic tendencies they lean toward we can find victory… in our parenting and our children's lives. Reading the word of God… our bibles regularly with our children and having an open dialogue with them about what is selfless and Christ like versus flesh and world like keeps their eyes open to what is good and pure versus selfish and sinful. We can read all the parenting books in the world looking, searching for an answer regarding our children's behavior… but we really don't have to search any further than our bible… the answers we are often searching for are right there within it's pages… just waiting to be read.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

                                                         To My Readers: 

                                                   Thank you for reading, 

                                                 commenting and sharing! 

"Because You're Old Enough To Be My Dad": Older Men & Younger Women

              1998

             some names have been omitted from this post 

                      ************************

The bar was dark and the patrons mingled along the stained concrete floor amongst the stone pillars accented with lit bronzed lanterns giving off a warm glow that cast on everyone's faces. I stood beside my friend with her halo of blonde chin length curls and we leaned in toward one another in conversation to barely be heard over the music being emitted from the overhead speakers. Up ahead, an older gentleman nearing fifty began moving toward me, dressed in jeans, a crisp collared shirt and cowboy hat. He was handsome and although had certainly aged gracefully I wasn't interested as our ages were at distant extremes. 

He strode up to me and approached, his grasp holding a glass beer bottle and under his mustached mouth he conveyed a smile with a deep but velvety question...

"Can I buy you a drink?" 

"No, but thank you." I responded politely.

He looked at me with amused curiosity and with another smile he responded,

"And why not?" 

I took a deep breath inward. I could have told him because I don't accept drinks from any man in any bar because I believed if a woman let a man buy her a drink he'd expect something. I was also full of self pride and would be darned if some man was going to buy me a drink because I could buy myself one, thank you very much. But as he conferred with his male friend in low tones and his eyes glistened at me, I heard the words "...fine young thing..." utter from his lips and I recoiled inside. 

"Why?" I asked him, echoing what he'd asked me. 

He nodded waiting expectantly for an answer from me. 

"Because you're old enough to be my dad. That's why. It's inappropriate." 

I replied with a polite tone yet firm.

He stood there shocked at my honesty, tipped his hat, said "Okay" and walked away. 

                    ***********************

As women it can be understandably incredibly frustrating when our dating age bracket seems to be going higher with each passing year while men's plummet lower and lower as they grow older and older. When were twenty we have forty and fifty year old men looking aka leering at us. When were forty we have sixty year old men looking at us. I see it in the grocery store, the convenience store, the shopping mall and restaurants etc... their gaze lingering, hoping you will meet theirs. I see it in traffic at stop lights as they grin from their convertible BMW's eliciting an internal eye roll from me. 

We aren't flattered... 

but maybe creeped out. 

Why is it socially acceptable for a man to hit on, 

date and marry a much younger woman?

Why do some men believe they are entitled (holding an over inflated ego and an obscured view of themselves) to have a much younger woman on their arm? It's rampant on dating websites these days... men are searching for a woman at least one if not two age brackets younger than their own. 

Youth trumps, it seems by society's standards and so many men want a woman still in the throes of flawless outward beauty to flash as a trophy of sorts on their arm to the world that screams:

 "Look at me and what I have." 

= EGO

  Men are not God's gift to women

Men may believe that younger women say "Yes" more often than women in their own age group. Younger women could possibly do this (?) and who knows the reasons but consequently the man can then happily take the reins, guiding the relationship to be on HIS terms as he sees fit.... but for these men is this about leading or control? For men is it about "having it my way" because their ex-wife actually voiced opposition occasionally and they didn't like it? Knowing what the important driving force is for a man to date a much younger woman is telling in his own growth and if he's become stagnated. 

He may get a huge ego boost knowing he's "still got it" which doesn't really make any sense because if as an older male the agenda is to attract, date and possibly marry a much younger woman one would surmise that he always stands a higher risk of being used financially if she's barely standing on two feet in a tiny apartment, a hefty car payment and barely enough money to feed her cat... not always a reality of course but we also know people in general don't want to be conned but instead genuinely loved. A woman on equal ground will more likely see the value in him not his wallet. A woman on equal ground will see him as an asset of endearing masculinity, an equal and a blessing to her life not to her pocketbook. A woman on equal ground will have decades of experiences, stories and changing (growing) views that add depth and interest to conversation over wine and candlelight. It's the things of substance like these and more that men are ultimately missing out on when they choose to date a much younger woman. It's certainly something men should keep in mind when they choose who they wish to pursue in dating. 

Younger women may appear much easier to impress in a man's eyes than older women but that may also be in part that older women are in a different place of maturity... in that as a whole they aren't going to be swept away with moonbeams in their eyes by big shiny toys or expensive cars or fancy restaurants. Knowing that these shiny objects and experiences are just fleeting materialism and image that can definitely be enjoyed but at the end of the day offer no real joy but instead it's a warm, loving, genuine heart that does... 

and at the end of the day men need to remember that all external beauty fades over time no matter how young their date is, as their own looks do, but the beauty of someone's heart never fades...

and that's what matters most. 


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

BEAUTY IS 

FLEETING 

BUT A KIND 

AND LOVING 

HEART IS

TIMELESS 

                 To My Readers: 

                 Thank you for reading, 

               commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 

Standing On A Road She Didn't Plan: A Single Mom Dating

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/standing-on-road-she-didnt-plan-single.html

Women: Proverbs 31 or Sexy Hot? 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/women-proverbs-31-or-sexy-hot.html

Desperation: Drop It Like It's Hot

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/12/desperation-drop-it-like-its-hot.html

Divorce & Children: 50/50 Custody

Winter 2012

names have been omitted in this post

*****************

I stood under the bright lights at the bench flanked by attorneys. Before me sat the Judge in her position of deliberation and consideration she was to hold. Behind me was a courtroom filled with onlookers awaiting their own cases to be heard. Dressed in black slacks and a jacket I stood waiting to hear what the Judge would say. As I stood there listening to her words my heart sank. It had been well established by an expert I was by far the better parent for my children. It had been well established that the expert believed all children of divorce need a primary parent and residence....but even more so if one parent is by far less skilled. I listened as the Judge explained that although she had been given an expert view of the circumstances and extreme differing of skill levels by the parents she had decided she would allocate the child custody 50/50.

I stood there feeling as though I'd been struck.

Clearly there has been a mistake, I surmised.

A Judge is to consider every aspect of a case. And then actually take the information and testimony given to her and follow it. Not to follow a misguided personal vendetta of the flesh merely because she wants the world and its divorced parents to be on a 50/50 child custody schedule because…
it's just what she wants.

She states "this is what's fair… 50/50"

For who? The parents? Yes, possibly. Yet this should NOT be about being fair to the parents. Fair is defined differently from the term best interests. The court system chronically touts their favorite term of "best interests" but their actions don't back them up when they choose fair. Fair is not looking out for the children's best interests if one parent is severely lacking in parenting skills. That is criminal. "Fair" should have no place in a situation where one parent is creating havoc and stress for a child.


Just like a child responds to positive reinforcement...so does an adult. The carrot is the children. If the parent is not where he or she needs to be, by all means give them ample time to learn those needed skills. Encourage them. Help them through counseling. Recommend they read the necessary books. Urge them to take classes.

But not to the child's detriment in the interim.
This is the problem with the
family court system today. 

Just like when a child is learning new skills they take baby steps. Then take on more. If someone doesn't know how to swim, you don't toss them in a pool. You have to hold their hand and guide them bit by bit until they can try it on their own....only then to gain more confidence and freedom with their improved skill set… even more so if their skill set is so lacking or inept its dangerous.


Standing up there it was a disheartening moment and a grave reminder of how much we need people everywhere to fight for the greater good. We need people to step up and use their voice when something is not right. We need people to become lit with passion when there is injustice in this world...it's the only way to make a difference.


Each of us has the opportunity to make a difference. Especially in the lives of children. It's up to each of us to step up, roll up our sleeves and do what's necessary either through better parenting, giving encouragement as a mentor, step-parent, aunt or uncle or even consideration as a Judge. If we choose what's fair over what's right and best for our children that is an extremely unhealthy state of mind. Fairness limits us under the false guise of equality in our skills and morals etc. Fairness means we should always expect perfect balance in every life situation and circumstance even when were putting our children at risk.


What does that teach our children?

To always have their hand out.

To always expect equal in all situations.

To have entitlement.

To always justify.

None of that helps mold our children into responsible adults one day.

Instead it breeds a narcissistic nature without addressing behavior.

Fairness doled out in the form of child custody protects the one who is orchestrating the damage upon their children.

People who have walked this path, who have been in the depths of the courtroom battle, fighting for their children's best interests know that God is right there, He is their strength and power to forge forward…

As parents concerned for their children's safety we could care less about fair…

We care about them.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing!