Dating A Narcissist: 3 More Red Flags

“Close Up Of A Man Using Mobile Phone” by stock images via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

names have been omitted in this post 

December 2015 

********************

I sat across from my therapist in skinny jeans and a black hoodie discussing the patterns I had begun noticing during the short course of my recent relationship. I explained how the small signs eventually grew to such large red flags I was no longer able to minimize or ignore them.

"It was unreal… the amount of text messages he was sending… page after page of rambling texts about his love, sentiment and passion for me… along with a constant update of his day no matter how minute.  I'd send a quick reply, or not respond because I couldn't or didn't see a need to… and yet an hour or so later there would be another string of texts." I paused and then continued "The odd thing was even after I initially mentioned how he was texting so much he didn't let up. He even went so far as to say that he didn't need me to respond, that he was fine with just sending me his thoughts…" I trailed off, thinking how very narcissistic of him.

She sat across from me and shook her head "I'm wondering how on earth he worked and accomplished anything during the day… if he's sending you this many texts. These aren't really texts… this is more like journaling." She pointed out.

I nodded and agreed "I had thought the same thing. And if a guy is texting you that much you have to wonder how much quality time he's spending with his child… it makes you question him as a father. I even pointed that out to him. He came back with excuses. Everything became a red flag as the relationship progressed. He began pushing to want to move in with me. I told him that I wasn't living with a man unless we were married and we needed to take things slow. He said it made more financial sense to live together. Ha! Toward the end I began seeing signs that his "walk with God" didn't match what was biblically correct. That was yet another sign."

She concurred and spoke "I definitely see red flags."

We chatted a little more and finally she smiled at me with a sigh of relief "But you know now…  you saw the signs and heeded them. And I will tell you that in the first three months of dating someone is when we decide what are the deal breakers… and when we typically see any red flags. So what are you wanting to do now?" She asked.

"My mother says I'm too closed off, that I'm not receptive to men." I told her.

She nodded "Well, you do have to be open. You can meet someone anywhere… at the museum, a sporting event, even the grocery store. But you have to make eye contact, smile and speak."

"Yeah…"I trailed off.

She peered at me "What age man are you thinking you'd be interested in?"

"I'm not into zip lining, scuba diving, Six Flags, all that. I think it makes it really hard when you're not. My age group from what I've gathered on the dating sites seem to gravitate toward that stuff. I would enjoy a date seeing a show and having dinner, maybe a play or a movie…get dessert, go to the museum… I'm thinking a little older might be a better match." I told her.

She nodded "I would agree… although generally speaking not all thirty five year old men are immature. There are exceptions."

I spoke "I'm thinking the oldest around forty nine, fifty" I told her. "I just turned thirty nine."

She concurred "I wouldn't go any older than that… I'd try to stay around forty five. I've had many couples meet on the dating sites match and eharmony." She informed me "Have you considered those?"

"Yes" I nodded "The online dating thing kinda scares me."

She grinned "That's what I'm here for. You print off their profile and bring it to me. I'll take a look."

I smiled and nodded, thanking her.


At the beginning of a new relationship we may be so giddy and high from the chemical feelings that accompany new love that we aren't thinking clearly. But it's so important that we stay grounded and watch for signs that we are with someone that isn't truly capable of loving us… but more like putting us through grief and heartbreak. In my recent relationship there were so many red flags… here are three more I observed…


1. During my parents marriage everything revolved around what my father wanted to do. He chose the trips, the meals, the homes purchased, the repairs done, the furniture bought, the vehicles driven, etc. My mother had zero voice in nearly forty years of marriage… if she tried to speak up and assert what she wanted, fits, pouting and passive aggressive behavior on his part like driving erratically in the car to intimidate her would ensue. I soon began to notice similar behaviors with the man I dated… he always pushed for the restaurant he wanted to eat at… he whined I had taken a trip and he would have liked to have gone… it was 99.9% of the time about what he wanted to do. A man who behaves like a man knows it's not all about him… that it takes two people to be considered a couple, to be in a relationship… and remembers that his partner should have a voice and decision making in what she wants as well.


2. My twelve year marriage was devoid of passion and chemistry. Many people who have been with narcissists and sociopaths have stated that the sex was passion filled. Perhaps some narcissists and sociopaths are skilled in the bedroom… my marriage was not one that fit that description. Our sex life was more comparable to my painful "going through the motions with crossed arms" and a "let's get this over with" type scenario. When you live like that for so long it can't be helped but to feel incredibly jipped… when one partner is more focused on their quick release(!) than actually taking the time for both people to enjoy the moment mutually. So imagine my surprise when one kiss with the man I dated made me want more… chemistry so electrifying that I was somewhat blushingly caught off guard at how he made me feel with the cup of my face and his lips on mine. He began to talk about all the things he wanted to do after we married; him voicing his burning desire to please me sexually one day as a husband. His future intentions murmured in my ear amidst forehead kisses soon became a red flag. The issue was his soon all-consuming focus on it that set off my radar and made me begin to cringe... our future sex life appeared to be his main focus, not just one of the many important elements that make up a relationship. Soon it wasn't really all about the idea of pleasing me one day but instead puffing how brilliant his skills were. As I began to hear more and more I considered giving him a gold sticker for patting himself on the back… but then came to the conclusion he'd already started his own sticker collection.


3. Empaths are guilty of being people pleasers, givers, ready to help to a fault and over extending themselves. They often find it difficult to set boundaries with people… especially those of a narcissistic nature as narc's are typically always takers and users. As my relationship progressed I began feeling used, noticing he always needed a favor… he needed to store some things at my place, he needed to do some laundry at my place, he needed me to drive, etc. It was always something it seemed. And yet when the night came that I needed some assurance he was there for me… he was unwilling and going to sleep. (You can read that post here) The stark difference in our behaviors shone brightly and I cringed at each incident… silently tallying, chalking up yet more points against him… him blindly losing me more and more each day until I could no longer remain silent, confronted him and abruptly broke it off.


When it comes to dipping our feet back in the dating pool we can try to look at it from a positive viewpoint… yes, we will have bad days and wonder if we will ever meet someone healthy. But those of us who have been with narcissists and sociopaths we ourselves are a work in progress getting healthy… we are practicing setting boundaries and healthy expectations not only for ourselves but for the relationship and person we will one day marry. Realizing we are dating another narcissist is not the end of the world… disappointing? Without a doubt, yes. But with each person we are gaining strength and putting our knowledge to the test… we are looking for red flags and becoming better at pinpointing them sooner than before. We are becoming confident and less doubtful of signs we need to heed. And with each relationship we are one step closer to becoming the healthiest version of ourselves… so we can be ready to not just fall in love with someone amazing but most importantly… not lose ourselves doing it.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

RELATED POSTS:

Relationships: Setting Healthy Boundaries & Expectations

When He Tries To Change You! And 5 Tips To Not Change Him

Desperation: Drop It like It's Hot

The Narcissistic Sociopath: When You Unknowingly Enter The Discard Phase

“Love Triangle” by marin via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

names have been omitted in this post

Spring 2011

************

"I'm NOT going!" I yelled at him as I tossed makeup and personal items like hairspray and deodorant into my vanity drawer in the bathroom… slamming the drawer shut with a loud bang.

"Oh, yes you ARE!" My husband retorted back at me angrily as he proceeded to smooth Rogaine on his receding hairline in front of the bathroom mirror.

"And WHY is that?!" I exclaimed in likewise anger… then added "I see no reason for me to go to your stupid twentieth high school reunion. You know I hate stuff like that! It's just a bunch of people standing around comparing notes on how everyone's done in life. It's all superficial." I told him.

"You're going because you're my WIFE! That's why! I'M going… so YOU'RE going!" He yelled back in mounting frustration like I was a petulant three year old child that wouldn't just shut up and behave. He took extra care to comb his hair in place that was still damp from his shower and then proceeded to brush his teeth… like some kind of animal he brushed… the tooth brush bristles were frayed like a dog had chewed on them… it reminded me of my dad's toothbrush when I was little.

"That's just the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard! Just because you decide to go doesn't mean I need to! Just because were married doesn't mean we have to be hitched at the hip! You always expect me to tag along to this crap… business dinners, company parties… and I'm freaking SICK OF IT! Grow up! Grow some balls! Go by yourself!" I yelled at him completely over what I perceived to be his extreme neediness and control. "You know… you got off the hook completely… I haven't taken you to a single reunion. I went and picked up my diploma from the school and was done with it! How nice for YOU!!!" I added with a tone of nasty sarcasm.

"Jennifer! JENNIFER!!!" He chastised me. "What part of this do you NOT understand???!!! YOU ARE GOING!!! PERIOD!!! IT'S NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION!!!"

With that… he walked off. Like he always did. Conversation over.

**************

The night finally arrived… the night of his much dreaded twentieth high school reunion. It was going to be held in a room at the convention center downtown… lame name badges and whispered glances ensued as we walked in. I had spent an inordinate amount of time getting ready… hair flat ironed, little black dress, glowing tanner from a bottle, makeup and nails… and painful heels… all of it I'd done to "make him happy" and shut him up when I would have preferred to be at home in my pajamas, hair in a bun and eating a box of cookies in front of the tv or reading a book. But instead I was on his arm internally rolling my eyes at the scene before me. A few people mingled around with their drinks but it seemed for the most part the majority stayed in selective huddles. As I scanned the room, inside I fumed and resentment grew that I was there. Marriage sucked alright, I thought to myself. At least it did with him, I thought, giving him a side glance of contempt.


We slowly made our way across the room past various groups toward the opposite side where a long white clothed table of catered food was spread out and a bartender stood ready to serve drinks. I noticed that with the exception of his best friend and two women no one initiated conversation with him. It was becoming more and more obvious that we were on our own. Awkward didn't even begin to touch how it felt. I began to wonder what the deal was when the photographer hired began to encourage everyone to move to the staircase and choose a spot for a group photograph. I stood over to the side by the long stretch of windows that looked out at the downtown bustle… couples walked by dressed up to go to dinner and maybe see a show… couples who were having a good time and heads were bent toward one another in closeness and intimate conversation, occasional laughter and genuine smiles. With a drink in my hand I turned back to the room and observed as the class reunion took their places on the staircase and smiled for photo after photo to be taken. A few minutes later the crowd was breaking up from their photo session and it was then I felt someone beside me. A man to my left. I turned slightly to glance over at him.

"What a night, huh?" He smiled easily at me holding a beer, his eyes twinkling at the nostalgia of it all.

"Yeah… " I replied "Is this your class?" I asked him not sure if he was one of the graduates or was a spouse of one.

He smiled and nodded "Yeah… it's been a pretty great night getting to catch up with everyone. Crazy. I can't believe it's been twenty years, you know?"

I nodded "I'm sure… "

"So… who are you here with? Who is your husband?" He asked me with curiosity.

I looked at him and told him my husband's name.

It was then that his face dropped. No smile. No niceties. No anything. His expression turned from laid-back and friendly to immediately tense. He stared at me as if he wanted to say something. But instead he brushed past me and walked away. Just like that he was gone without a word or explanation. I stood there trying to collect my thoughts in bewilderment. I didn't understand what on earth had just happened. One minute everything was fine and the next… not so much. I took a sip from the small clear plastic cup I held in my hand… and tried to process what had just happened. Clearly there was some reason he had acted that way… there was some reason why my husband's name made him walk off without a word. Little did I know then that the rest of the evening would prove to be disastrous… people weren't interacting with us… and I began to voice that I was ready to leave. "In a minute" I was told despite his attempts at letting people know all about his work, where he lived and what he drove. I was becoming increasingly frustrated and alarmed that obviously there was some valid reason why at least ninety percent of these people were not making an effort to reminisce about high school with him or even what they had been up to the past twenty years.


Eventually we departed… after much of my tugging on his arm to "come on, were leaving(!)" out of embarrassment for him. I hadn't wanted to come yet at the same time I was so completely unprepared for how the evening had played out… and it left me with more questions than answers. Why did it feel like I had entered the twilight zone when I'd stepped into that room that night? I asked him... "Is there something you haven't told me?" and "Why do none of these people seem to want to interact with you?" and "Did you do something to make these people so blatantly dislike you?"


Avoidance ensued. Silence. Glancing at his profile as we walked along the now emptying sidewalks of downtown in the windy night I detected growing irritation from him mixed with a set jaw and an ego that had been knocked to the ground if not lower. Something changed that night. I felt it then but didn't really understand it fully until much much later… over a year and a few months later into my divorce. Hindsight is a funny thing. Later that night enduring a horse and carriage ride along the quaint downtown streets with him and his best friend and his girlfriend we all sat in near silence. Internally I  questioned how on earth I was with this person. It was like he had been outed for the jerk he was… I was just late to get the memo… over ten years late but it was received that night. And he knew it. That night looking back… I see so clearly now I unknowingly entered the discard stage by him. Slowly but painfully I was being viewed by him as the problem… I wasn't as young as I once was… I wasn't as this or that… I wasn't as willing to just say "okay" anymore and acquiesce to him and whatever he wanted to do. I had become more and more vocal and he didn't like it. That night he knew I no longer saw him as I once had… any remaining view of him in a positive light at that point was extinguished like a smutty cigarette. I saw him fully for who he was. And it wasn't pretty.


Discard: 

When the narcissistic sociopath has realized the relationship he's had with you has come to an end. He (or she) has used up every bit of good in you… they've taken your self-worth, your happiness, your peace, your confidence, your personal boundaries, your dignity, maybe even your support system…

Even if you are the one who leaves first either by walking away or filing for divorce, you are still suffering from the emotional fallout of a toxic relationship as you now realize with painful clarity that it was all fake, a fraud, his (or her) love was not real… it was merely a show to gain narcissistic supply to feed their infantile and sick ego.

The best news is eventually you can get to a healthier place… leaving is the first step. As time goes on and with therapy, self care and lots of support from friends and family… you can live the great life you imagined… experiencing real love, a life without tension, anxiety and eggshells… and feel physically better too. A narcissistic sociopath may discard you for what they believe to be a better choice but with that comes something even greater for you… your freedom.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

I Love Lucy But Not Ricky's Behavior

I Love Lucy


I loved Lucy growing up.


This past Christmas I purchased the I Love Lucy collection on DVD. Since then it's been a mix of renewed laughter and joy watching them… now with my daughter… enjoying Lucy and Ethel's silly antics… from the Pioneer Women where they bake an extra long loaf of bread to the episode where they can't keep up with the excess chocolates on the conveyer belt as they rapidly go by. Yet despite the levity there are also quite a few eye-brow raising moments between Lucy and Ricky that have actually prompted in-depth discussions between my daughter and I.

With Ricky's handsome good looks and on-screen charm, as a child I never questioned his love for Lucy… after all… the name of the show is I Love Lucy. But now… many years later… older and wiser… having been married and now divorced, I see a dynamic on-screen between them that is not so loving a lot of the time.

One day after watching Lucy being reprimanded by Ricky

 my daughter paused the DVD player and said…

"Okay! So why does Lucy keep saying "Yes, Sir!" to Ricky? 

I mean, what is that? Is he the boss of her or something?"

Quite the observant kid. 

I grimaced from the couch…

 "Apparently Lucy had been out in the sun too long… or hit her head." I remarked. 

But then… joking aside… we had a long discussion about Lucy and Ricky. Believing the best thing to do was to prompt her to question Ricky's behavior I began asking her questions…

"Is Ricky supportive of Lucy's desire and attempts to follow her own dream? Being in show business?"

No.

"Is Ricky continually losing his temper and yelling at Lucy?"

Yes.

"Does Ricky ever take Lucy over his knee and spank her?"

Yes.

"Does Ricky ever make Lucy back up and find herself in a corner cowering from him?"

Yes.


And yet… a good question to ask about Lucy…

"Does Lucy ever lie about what she's bought or done out of fear of Ricky's response?"

Yes.

Asking her if she believed Ricky 

acted like Lucy's friend 

or more like her parent ended in a resounding response of "Parent!" 

I asked her if she believed that to be healthy or unhealthy.

 Unhealthy came the quick reply. 

It seemed Ricky's ability to love Lucy was rapidly declining in her young eyes… something I didn't see when I was her age. And yet I'm so relieved that she does see it. All the laughter, all the jokes, all the "Darling's" and "I love you's" aside… at the end of the day Lucy didn't have a healthy marriage on-screen… and with Ricky's philandering and alcoholism undeniably it was unhealthy off-screen as well. On-screen it was the epitome of a parent-child relationship… they were unequals… Ricky often acted like a bully and Lucy was seemingly often fretting about Ricky's soon-to-be reaction to whatever had happened or wringing her hands over his recent blow up.

One of the biggest indicators of an unequal dynamic in a marriage is where there is a parent-child relationship versus co-partners. This brings great imbalance to a marriage creating many problems between couples.

While dating my Ex-husband and later married to him, we had great imbalance. Hindsight is always 20/20. Dating, I hadn't had the usual rite of passage most teens and young adults have in a healthy family… gaining a bit more freedom and responsibility as time goes on… the natural order of growth and maturity…  finishing high school, driving a car (possibly owning one), working a part time job…. eventually attending college, dating and graduating. But growing up in an unhealthy family headed by a narcissistic and obsessive compulsive disordered nature due to hoarding, selfishness, reverence of image, compulsive buying, lack of family time and connection… workaholism… there is extreme control and an iron-clad rigidity that goes with it. This leads to a childhood and teen years that don't naturally progress as they should… instead there is a huge disparity in life experience, freedom and decision making leading to a stunted young adulthood… and essentially not knowing how to do much of anything… from knowing how to balance a checkbook, getting the oil changed, etc.


The fact is… someone who is at a life-experience disadvantage is the perfect target for a control freak. There is a huge amount of narcissistic supply to be gained in being the knight in shining armor who comes gallantly in to rescue the damsel who doesn't yet know many basics her peers are schooled in… through no fault of her own due to an all too sheltered life. He will be thrilled to waltz in and show her what to do… to be the one with all the knowledge and know how… to be the one who "saves the day" and can seemingly take credit for all he's shown her. What an ego trip for him. The problem is… two fold… eventually she will catch up… she will learn how to do everything to navigate the world and she won't rely on him like she used to… his supply will be dwindling each year as she gains knowledge and confidence in her abilities. And in the meantime where once their inequality was perhaps blindly endearingly sweet or even understandable or justified... eventually it becomes glaringly obvious there is gross dysfunction. He likes being in control… he always has been, it's what he's always known… where once she leaned on him and he happily encouraged it she now turns away not needing to be coddled. And yet… in some ways she's still dependent on him… she may have high empathy, high tolerance, and an extreme willingness to be supportive of him… it's what she's always known, it's how she is… and he uses it to his own advantage... always raising the bar in what he can get away with… from not paying the taxes to putting work first to multiple infidelities… yet all the while treating her like a child, a charm, a trophy and or less than.

To change an 

unhealthy dynamic 

in your relationship the 

best approach is to first change yourself. 
It requires both partners being willing to change their unhealthy patterns. 

A woman that loves her husband without sacrificing the love she has first and foremost for Christ and herself will be in a healthier marriage than she who continues to tolerate unhealthy patterns from her spouse… because he will continue to see her as willing to acquiesce to him at her own demise.

If a man "loves" his wife out of his own insecurities, inflated ego and fear, the relationship with surely falter… even fail… counseling is always needed. But a man who gives his wife love and attention out of his strength, confidence, his desire for her and wanting to protect her… he will love her with his whole and healthy self.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 


Free From The Narcissist: Are You Co-Dependent? 
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/free-from-narcissist-are-you-co.html

Wives: 3 Lies We Tell Ourselves & 5 Signs Our Marriage Needs Help

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/01/wives-lies-we-tell-ourselves-5-signs.html

When He Tries To Change You! And 5 Tips To Not Change Him 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/when-he-tries-to-change-you-and-5-tips.html

Men & Women: Healthy Boundaries In A Relationship

April 2014

some names have been omitted in this post 

***********************

Sitting curled up on the couch in the den with a gray blanket wearing jeans and a soft oversized sweatshirt I balanced the laptop on my lap… the faint sound of a weather update was given by a meteorologist on the flat screen across the room as I began scrolling profiles and with quick eyes skimming ages alongside smiling photos. Finally, I slowly closed the laptop with a click setting it aside on the wood coffee table. 


"Well… signing up for these dating websites has been a real experience…" I remarked. 


I wasn't interested in dating anyone in the near future but was open to the possibility of male friendship if he was someone whom I believed could be a possible match down the road… in no rush, I wasn't going to just pick someone for the sake of picking someone. I'd wait as long as needed. In the interim it was proving to be an interesting experience to say the least. She sat beside me on the other end of the couch where she was reading her chick lit book and looked up… 

"What's happening?" she asked. 

"It appears the majority of them do not observe and follow boundaries…" I replied dryly… "I should be shocked I suppose and yet I'm not. Typical." I couldn't help but add with a grimace. "If you include on your profile you're only looking for someone within a very limited age range and that you're not looking for a "father figure"… the fifty year plus set still contacts you. It goes right back to that post I wrote on older men preying on younger women. I realize some women are fine with it… but honestly, there is a large group of us that find it disrespectful. And yet these older men continue to push the limits. They continue to send "smiles", messages, etc. If a man can't follow what is clearly written in black and white on a woman's profile why does he believe that woman would give him a chance? Why does he believe he is the one exception to her rule? It's ridiculous. She's a grown woman. Believe it or not, she does know what she wants. And all he is doing is further solidifying her belief of men in his age bracket… that they are more often than not, egotistical, overbearing control freaks." I stated while pulling my hair into a ponytail with a brown hair elastic. 


She concurred and spoke "I agree. I don't understand why they would believe they are the exception. I mean, the ego is unreal. It would be like a woman fifty something reaching out to a twenty five or thirty-something guy. Most women, if not any women are going to do that… yet men for whatever reason have no issue, no qualms, no hesitation in doing it… it's a total double standard."

*************************

When we are looking for someone either in the pursuit of mere friendship or possibly more… whether we are searching for serious or friendship with the possibility of marriage later on… it's important that we keep our mind on what we are looking for… not just blue eyes, tall and athletic… not just stocky, dark hair and health conscious… but instead what really counts… yes, we all want someone we are attracted to, obviously… but we don't want to miss the mark on our must have's, our biggie's, our deal breakers, etc.


We can keep in mind that with regard to our relationships it's best to keep boundaries between us and the other person. When we set boundaries we aren't being mean or distrustful… unlike what some people may try to tell us otherwise. But instead when we set boundaries we are giving our relationship a healthy outline to stick to, a framework of sorts, a strong foundation.


With healthy boundaries we have the autonomy of being ourselves, of not being controlled by others or a servant to people pleasing, to not feeling stifled or claustrophobic, etc. Boundaries let others know what we are willing to put up with and what we won't tolerate. This is why it's so incredibly important to know exactly what you believe to be essential in a relationship. Naturally, everyone is different and each of us have beliefs of what is acceptable and what is not, yet there are also some general rules of what is healthy and what resembles toxic.



Healthy Boundaries In A Relationship:

1. Being honest with each other regarding likes and dislikes. It's always better when in the early days of dating someone if when they tell you "I go bike riding every weekend"… to just be honest and say "I don't care for bike riding". Get it out there. Throw it on the table because if you don't you may be signing up for thirty or forty decades of bike riding. Better to be yourself now at the beginning than to find yourself years later cringing every time the weekend rolls around.


2. If you've already signed up for the lifetime plan of bike riding, golfing, bowling or whatever for every weekend the rest of your life because you didn't follow number #1… it's important to be respectful of his hobby, his past time, whatever you call it… but that also doesn't mean you have to do it all the time either. Encourage him to go with the guys and have a hobby or interest you call your own you can do.


3. Just because you're exclusive, married, etc doesn't mean you have to be hitched at the hip every five minutes. A little space is a good thing and allows you to then come together to talk about your individual experiences… enriching your relationship. So go on an occasional girl's trip, on that weekend getaway with your mom and sister, go jogging alone, or join that women's basketball team… it's good for you and him.


4. Setting physical boundaries is a good thing as well. Women, dating and sex seem to be a topic that is a constant source of articles being written about in magazines and online websites because so often women feel pressured to give in to having sex before their truly ready. No matter what your age or situation… no matter what your stage in life… if you're not prepared to have sex until after you're married that is your personal right. That boundary may weed out a lot of men and the truth is… it doesn't matter what he wants if it doesn't match up with your beliefs and the boundaries you've set for whoever you date. You never ever have to apologize for setting boundaries for yourself or feel guilty for setting them.


5. Someone who truly cares for you will be respectful, honest and trustworthy which will show by their actions. They will look out for your best interests above their own (which is extremely difficult to find today) and the relationship will largely be based on equality. Yes, chivalry is wonderful but we aren't talking about him opening the door… but instead is he working with you as a partner would… is he asking for your opinion? Is he listening to your input or merely waiting for you to hurry up so he can dictate what he believes to be right? Does he value your thoughts? These are things to scrutinize and contemplate. If you see what resembles a power struggle for control, for the upper hand in the relationship it's time to cut it short and move on.


6. Is the relationship enhancing your life or draining it? Are you chronically tired, suffering from unexplainable body pains, aches, headaches, a twitching eye, heart palpitations, general fatigue, depression, teeth clenching, anxiety or just feeling like you're walking on eggshells? If you are experiencing any of these in a relationship or just feeling jumpy in general those are all a big blinking sign you are not in a healthy situation and need to seek help in cutting ties whether it be gaining help from a friend or seeking support from a family member… it's essential you take care of yourself and not allow your health to be put at risk just for the sake of staying in a relationship.


7. The last one is about change. You know how every year so many of us each January try to set a goal like exercising more or eating healthier and we often fail within just a few weeks? It is undeniably so incredibly difficult to rid ourselves of a bad habit or to change ourselves for the positive. If it's so hard to change something about ourselves why on earth do we ever think for a second that we will be successful in changing someone else? It's not happening. If someone is continually overstepping our boundaries, making us feel like less than, stressing us out and sending us reaching for the chocolate cupcakes, a beer or glass of wine way too often, we have a serious problem and it isn't us. It may be time to say "adios" and shut that door for good behind them.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Related Posts: 


Divorce: Practical Tips For Healing
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/08/divorce-practical-tips-for-healing.html

Free From The Narcissist: Are You Co-Dependent? 5 Signs
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2014/02/free-from-narcissist-are-you-co.html

"Because You're Old Enough To Be My Dad": Older Men & Younger Women
http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/09/you-old-enough-to-be-my-dad-older-men.html

Free From The Narcissist: Are You Co-Dependent? 5 Signs

"I'm through with you
You're one bridge I'd like to burn
Bottle up the ashes, smash the urn
I'm through with you
LA DEE DA
I don't wanna be part of your fun
Don't wanna be under your thumb
All I wanna be is DONE…" 

The Band Perry

 - Done | MetroLyrics 



When someone has grown up in a home where one parent is controlling, narcissistic… downright abusive, it's often obvious who the one is that needs to get some professional help… who needs to seek counseling, consult with their Pastor, check out some self-help books… gain some self-awareness, etc.


The one hurting everyone. 


What is rarely ever discussed is the others in the home…. their spouse and yes, even the children... and how they all are affected by the destruction in these homes. The children certainly carry the risk of wounds inflicted from their controlling, narcissistic abusive parent into adulthood… and possibly into their frame of minds when dating and who they later marry. They may often be affected by their negative upbringing even if not consciously aware that they are. These toxic relationships between parent and child have long-time (but don't have to be long-term) effects and it's essential that grown adults get the therapy and insight needed before delving into the dating scene so as not to carry over any baggage that will hinder them from developing a healthy relationship with the right person… versus the wrong one.

What is this insidious affliction that 

affects the spouse of an abuser and their children?

CO-DEPENDENCY

It sneaks up on you… like a thief in the night and takes and takes… it steals from you without you even being cognizant because you are so incredibly busy throwing yourself into the relationship… everything for the "good of the relationship"…. that you don't realize you are actually contributing to the ongoing craziness around you… no, you don't realize it… maybe you deny it…. maybe it's painful to admit…  but when someone continues treating us like less and less…. and yet we continue to jump around like a frenzied squirrel trying to "fix it all"…. and however more puzzling at any cost…. that's a huge red warning sign… something is far from healthy or right in this picture.

CO-DEPENDENCY IS A LEARNED BEHAVIOR 

THAT CAN CARRY INTO 

YOUR FUTURE RELATIONSHIP(S). 

If you begin to place more value in the relationship and it's success than your own self-worth and esteem… it's time to re-evaluate and begin the process of setting clear, firm boundaries. If you grew up in an environment where one person was the dictator and the other was pushed around and told "how things were gonna be"… if one person was never shown any respect or listened to, if one person was never consulted regarding their thoughts and opinions, if one person was continually overrun with hostility and zero compassion by the other… it puts you at a greater risk of choosing one of these figures to model after… either the abuser or the abused…. the latter also known as the co-dependent.

If you've grown up in a home
 with less than healthy 
examples to follow…

 it's imperative to get some help with 
learning healthier ways to live…
before beginning a 
relationship of your own.

5 Signs Of Co-Dependency:

1. Appeasing your spouse. Are you willing to put up with any negative behaviors from your spouse that belittle or demean you? In other words… are you enabling the destruction (obviously not purposefully, but in a way that hasn't come to light yet, because so often when we are living day to day we become blind to what's around us)  that they are causing? Do they believe you will put up with anything and never leave? If they think this it may be a sign of a huge imbalance in the relationship. Yes, we shouldn't feel threatened every time there is a spat and live in fear of being dumped, abandoned, etc… yet if one person feels like they can treat you like a dog with no chance of consequences… you walking away… that's a big issue.

2. You feel you have to keep everyone happy. It's natural after living in an unhealthy home environment for years where you watched one person trying to keep everyone's moods on an even kneel and yet they then walked on eggshells; inevitably suffering from anxiety. Yes, you can overcome this. Yes, with a good therapist you can learn to not live this way and stop the toxic subscription of "if you aren't happy then I'm not obviously doing well enough" mentality. You don't have the power to make anyone happy or keep them in that state of mind. You are a human being, not a magician with a hat full of tricks. Your worth is not based on their feelings or state of mood.

3. Trouble with confrontation. Most people don't like a scene made, yes, we all get that. But if you find yourself experiencing difficulty voicing your needs at all, (preferably in a firm, calm manner) then it's time to seek some help. If you find yourself always being the one who backs down, who gives in, bites your tongue to a fault, who can't seem to set firm boundaries but instead avoids or waffles when someone tries to meet you head on… that's a sure sign it's hard to stand firm in what you believe and need from others in relationships. 

4. Sacrificing to a fault. Love always involves some sacrifice, yes…. if two people who were self-absorbed got married… how much love would be shown? Undoubtedly, none. If one selfless person married a self-absorbed one… one person will surely begin to feel cheated eventually… namely the selfless one. It's fine to sacrifice but love should be an ongoing exchange of giving, giving (and giving more) and receiving by both… again, between two people, not one who ends up feeling chronically depleted and jipped.

5. Help is a four letter word to you. You grew up in an environment where you no doubt had to be strong… you coped by learning that to rely on others meant giving up any to the little control you had because your world felt so incredibly out of control…. so later you compensate by doing everything yourself. You are the self-sufficient one, the one who "does it all" and prides herself for it too. The problem with that is… it affects your relationships. Your spouse if you married someone healthy would really love to do something nice for you occasionally (like help you carry the groceries in, maybe drive you to your eye appointment, or help you organize the garage) but instead they are met with a bristle and an "I can do it myself!" attitude. Instead you can begin training yourself to change in small steps… you can ask someone "Oh, do you mind grabbing that bag and bringing it to the car? Hey, thanks for helping!" You don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders anymore… you never did…. you aren't that five, ten, fifteen or twenty year old anymore who was made to feel like if you depended on anyone for any little thing you were putting yourself in a precarious position, of feeling indebted, or made to look weak. (And by the way… the right man won't make you feel that way and put you in the position of feeling indebted to him). I personally know this issue, it's been a longtime battle for me… yet it's far better than it was and yes, it is entirely possible to find freedom! It is possible to let someone help you… and yes, even healthy… it's not a sign of weakness like you've been led to believe from your childhood. 

"You're An Overcomer"

 ~ Mandisa | Overcomer 

A New Chapter… A New You

Just because we have lived in a less than healthy home environment doesn't mean we are destined to a lifetime of unsatisfactory relationships. The key difference in whether someone thrives is self-awareness. If we are aware of our weak spots, our trouble points, etc… we are then equipped to take the next step… learning what to do to remedy the issue and begin the process of change. It won't happen overnight. It was a learned behavior from the beginning; a tiny seed that sprouted and grew like a sturdy beanstalk year after year…  and now what has set in must be unlearned in tiny steps combined with prayer… each step bringing you closer to the finish line… each step a moment that brings a victorious smile of satisfaction… that brings life to you and the ones around you… because each time we begin the process of becoming more of who we are meant to be… each time we shed the old and throw on the new… we  are closer to becoming all we wish to be and more.


What we all ultimately want is to be free…. 

To be free from the past…

To be free from those past chains that hold us back…

To be free from those voices that cloud our vitality and instead bring darkness…

To be free to love those around us fully and not have the ghosts of our past standing between us…


Because when we are free… 

We are ready…

We are ready to find that love, a healthy love exists and yes, we want to take it by the horns…

We want to scream our love for him from the rooftops uninhibited, we want to cry those tears of joy without hesitation, we want to throw our arms around him in delight, we want to sing love songs on a Saturday night drunk on laughs and tea out our noses… we want to feel like the big kid we never were allowed to be… we want to be unashamed, unattached, selfless but not to a fault… we want to be extended a helping hand without terms and conditions… we want to confront the issues that matter with love without wavering…

we want be released from the chains to our past and instead look at him, the one we love with the surest of affirmation that YES… 

we are absolutely, without a freaking doubt ready… 

we are ready for the next chapter and it's going to be the most beautiful one yet.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2014 

                                        

Related Posts: 

Life: It's An Obstacle Course 

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/05/life-its-obstacle-course.html

Imperfections Made Perfect One Day By A Perfect God

http://gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com/2013/05/imperfections-one-day-made-perfect-by.html

Sacrifice: A Man's Love

"We can't expect a man who has an ugly view of women

 to sacrifice for his wife as he will see himself as superior

 to her along with her needs and desires being less-than his." 

Sacrifice....

What could possibly be wrong with sacrifice in a marriage as there is beauty in it.... just like Christ's love for us. Imagine how much more marriage can be with a man who is living by the word of God alongside his wife... two people who are truly committed to one another. How beautiful it is if a husband is encouraging his wife to become everything she can be also... when both individuals feel the freedom of balance and one not being weighted down like a brick while the other experiences the joy of floating. We are meant to be encouragers in life and by supporting each others dreams we build up those we love, not drain and take away leaving little left. 

A Man's Self Vs SACRIFICE... 

Is he willing to sacrifice the comforts of life he desires to provide what you need if necessary? 

Is he willing to sacrifice his life for you?

Is he by your side when you are sick, sacrificing his other pursuits as he knows you are the most important person in his life? 

Is he on your side, are you working together as a team or do you feel as though he is living for himself within the marriage?  

A Man's View Of Women... will affect his view of sacrificing for his wife.

Is he walking in the light and not in the dark ways of the world; the crassness and vulgarity spoken of women? The dirty objectification of women? 

Does he deem women without value and useless to him other than being used for sex? 

Does he see women as invisible after age 30? After age 40? After age 50?

Does he view women as people with actual feelings, thoughts and intelligence or merely a once attractive woman now used, over the hill and riddled with aging imperfections? 

When there are sacrifices extended in purposeful love by each partner in a relationship, in a marriage... this creates a healthy environment where each spouse is encouragingly propelled by the other to pursue their personal goals however large or small. It may not always be perfectly equal (and likely won't be) but if attempts are made so each person feels heard, their dreams valued and encouraged... beautiful things can happen in a marriage as each person grows individually, reaching their own potential, ultimately bringing each of you closer together in communication and love! .... this being an example of a healthy marriage. 

"As women, we may sacrifice nearly to a fault, becoming people pleasers and ultimately becoming dissatisfied and depressed. We need to guard against sacrificing so much that we become a doormat and lose who we are and what we wish for in this life. Teaching our daughters this is essential and that marrying a man who understands and lives the concept that sacrifice should be mutual is vital to her future marriage being a healthy one." 

We can't have light and darkness in our marriage and thus if we marry someone we should share the same beliefs and purposely live the same walk. We may marry someone who sold us a facade of being a follower of God and then once the "I do's" are exchanged and we are behind closed doors come to realize it was all a good talk without action to back it up. 

2 Corinthians 6:14 

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

Genuine love is always marked by the hallmark trait of being open, trusting one another, loyalty and giving each spouse the freedom to live authentically. 

Alternatively, unhealthy love is demonstrated by selfishness, disloyalty and love of self... shown by destructive behaviors such as using one's spouse to fuel solely their own ambitions and dreams. Expectations may be placed incredibly high upon the sacrificing spouse that it causes each spouse to become frustrated... eventually the one who continually takes and takes feels his never ending needs and desires still aren't being met... so he seeks additional fulfillment through sins like affairs or addiction.

      God gave us the ultimate sacrifice... 

               His son Jesus Christ. 

When we live boldly, fearlessly, walking in selflessness with each other in our marriages, choosing to marry someone in which we both share living out God's purposeful love through action... we have the opportunity to be a beautiful example to others in their marriages... 

To be sacrificing and encouraging. 

That doesn't have to be merely a dream. 

It can be a beautiful reality. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013 

                     To My Readers: 

                 Thank you for reading,

               commenting and sharing! 

Anxiety, Panic & Entrapment: Facing Our Fears Head On With God

2009 

names have been omitted or changed in this post 

******************

I woke up with a start and tried to get my bearings. 


Not again. 


It was another nightmare. 




This one was frighteningly realistic and had a close friend in it... we had been traveling along a country back road in her new taupe SUV, excited to be embarking on a girl's weekend... shopping antique stores, sampling various flavors of homemade jellies, perusing art galleries, relaxing at a spa and getting pedicures... it was going to be a couple days of relaxation for us we both needed. Bathed in pitch darkness... tree silhouettes lit up along our narrow path from her vehicle headlights... I grasped my tan leather hand rest and spoke "I think this road curves ahead... we better take it slow." I was dreading this drive and just wanted to hurry up and get there. Yet at a very safe and slow pace of course. I wished I could magically boomerang us there but unfortunately that wasn't an option... instead it appeared I would be suffering through these winding curving roads with little foresight due to the darkness... which made my stomach queasy. It wasn't a reflection of my friend's driving as my nausea would have happened with anyone riding with them in the car. I knew this was really more about my control... or lack thereof. Of course my friend did what many people would do in this situation and assured me we were just fine... she was okay and maneuvering the roads perfectly well. But a few seconds later we lost control... swerving, spinning, flipping and finally coming to rest upside down off the side of the road on a grassy field. I don't remember much of the dream after that but just frantically screaming my friends name over and over again but not receiving an answer.



That was when I woke up. 


This was one of many continual nightmares that incurred a few months after my sister was killed by a drunk driver. They continued for well over a year and into two years...



Many people don't realize the huge impact the death of a loved one incurred by a drunk driver has on their family members. It runs deep and has lasting effects. The loss of them is soon apparent in how any anxieties you already had are magnified ten fold or new ones that crop up. I've had generalized anxiety for years. I've experienced panic attacks since I was seventeen and left home. Experiencing trauma while I was gone from home certainly didn't help. Having undiagnosed ADHD for all of my childhood, twenties and now partial thirties contributed to my anxiety rising. Anxiety is an often co-morbid condition that goes with ADHD...  more so if ADHD is not diagnosed and treated early in childhood. Living in a marriage that wasn't healthy over the years greatly added to my anxiety: Every time I attempted to verbally express myself about anything important I was shut down and walked away from... aka stone walling...  throw in control, arrogance, manipulation, narcissism and some Asperger's traits... and you have a recipe for disaster and lots of anxiety in general because I was in a chronic state of high pressure to be perfect, perform and do it all with a smile plastered on my face all the while tending to two young children... one with special needs while the hubby frittered away at "work", traveling and tending to his various extramarital relationships unbeknownst to me. Yeah... I know... that makes my eye twitch too just reading it... chocolate, anyone?



Toss in the unexpected death of my baby sister in 2008 and there is definitely going to be a hefty price to pay regarding anxiety. And that was in the form of.... Panic Disorder. If you already have GAD or as it's also known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder where you pretty much worry and fret about anything and everything... you may be at an increased risk for Panic Disorder.



For me one of the most debilitating aspects of life after losing my sister and going through depression and the various grieving stages was struggling with the Panic Disorder that soon cropped up. It was about feeling a total loss of control in my life.... specifically on the road due to my sister's death. Driving was somewhat doable if I was the one doing it... but to sit in the passenger seat? No way. To hand someone else that level of control... I couldn't even begin to fathom such a concept. I truly saw everyone as incapable and a potential liability including other drivers on the road... "Stay over there, away from me"... I'd mentally think every time I took to the city streets. Freeway driving left me in a total panic and I completely stopped driving at night.




In 2011 the Panic Disorder came to a peak...

In the interim of our city's massive construction of a new corridor, new routes had been temporarily constructed while a toll road was being developed. To reach the particular restaurant we were headed to that evening the most direct route required us to drive along a narrow one-lane freeway lined with concrete barrier walls.  It was long and winding and as my husband sailed along it taking the curves as they came, I grasped the gray leather passenger hand rest tightly in his car. I soon realized I was holding my breath and reminded myself to breath. Why did he have to go this way? I thought with a mixture of panic and irritation. I asked him if he could please slow down. He checked his speedometer and exclaimed he wasn’t going fast at all, dismissing my request. Yet as the car took each winding curve my stomach felt sick and I felt a huge wave of panic rise up in me. Telling him I thought I was going to be sick I told him I needed out of the car. But as he pointed out with exasperation there was no place for him to pull over. “Just hang on.” he told me. But I was completely beside myself. My breath was coming out in tiny spurts, my hands were sweaty and my heart was accelerating. Images of my sister’s wreck flashed through my mind and I gripped the hand rest tighter. 

"Oh, no!"
my internal dialogue screamed. 

Fight or flight set in and all I wanted was to flee from the car. I knew I was panicking and yet I couldn’t seem to calm down. Feeling a complete lack of control over my environment, I mentally berated my husband with choice words for taking this particular route to dinner. Telling him how that narrow winding road set me on edge and sent me into a panic he told me we would be exiting up ahead. He then asked me how on earth I reached the southwest side of town if I didn’t go the route he was driving. I explained the alternate route I always took and as he listened his face looked incredulous... 

“But that route takes
 an additional 
fifteen minutes at least!” 
He exclaimed, 
giving me a bewildered look.

 “Yep, it sure does!” 
I quipped and then added mockingly...

“And yet strangely enough I don’t feel an extreme need to jump out of the car either!” 

Hearing this we both laughed. Knowing my reactive fear to riding in the car was irrational I knew it was a fear I wasn’t facing head on and needed to. I had been avoiding certain routes because they instilled sheer panic in me and yet I knew it wasn't rational. Deep down I knew for sure by continuing to avoid certain routes I was undeniably at the mercy of my anxiety and that my symptoms were actually worsening the more I desperately tried to avoid what I was so fearful of. It was time to face it head on and stop succumbing to the fear and avoiding. 



I started looking online for ways to combat anxiety, panic and avoidance. Soon it became very clear what I needed to do to overcome my fear. A few days later I had to go somewhere taking that same route I'd taken with my husband and children. I knew I had two choices; I could take the alternate longer route or face the narrow winding one that left me in a breathless heart thumping panic. I sat in my driveway suddenly wondering if my errand really warranted going out at all. Come on, I mentally coaxed myself, you gotta do it. You'd think I was attempting to parachute out of a plane with zero release leading to a malfunction... rationally you think to yourself, "Come on, this is just driving" but the cloud of anxiety is never clear or rational. I began praying to God for help and I headed in the direction of that one lane narrow winding freeway. I did it. I prayed the whole way and afterward I exited, pulling over into a parking lot to settle my nerves and bask in what I'd just accomplished. Then I turned around and did it again. And again. I continued to force myself to drive it over the course of many months until it was no longer an issue. 



Say no to fear... 


God doesn't want us to live in fear, to feel chained to the toxicity of anxiety and it's effects on our health, our outlook and even our functioning in a happy well adjusted life. He wants us to be free from anything that restricts, that darkens, that holds us in entrapment so that instead we can live as He wants us to... with freedom and with fearlessness. A healthy perspective to gain is one of complete dependence on God to help face our anxieties and fears instead of going straight to autopilot in fear. Unhealthy views of anxiety lead us to a world of perfection, rigidity and feeling trapped. We may have been through traumatic events that have led us to where we are in terms of anxiety and panic.... maybe the unexpected loss of a loved one, maybe a car wreck, maybe a rape, a toxic childhood or even wounds from war. It's not our fault, it's not something anyone would ask for as anyone who has lived it knows it's a far cry from being a picnic or something to be trivialized. You aren't less than for struggling with what you've endured or the anxiety that has stemmed from it. You can improve, you can make progress however small in tiny steps, you can get better and you can live! 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2013

To My Readers: 

Thank you for reading, commenting & sharing!