The Narcissistic Sociopath & Denial

“Businessman Stop Sign Hand Gesture Isolated On White

 Background” by steafpong via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

We've all been there at one time or another… subscribing to denial. Maybe we deny that the outfit were wearing is not flattering… adamant that we are going to wear it anyway when our figure might be better suited for something else. Maybe were in denial about the person were marrying... when in reality we are a bad match because our core values don't match up. Perhaps someone denies they are a workaholic… despite plenty of evidence to prove otherwise… their family members know all too well that their loved one is always missing at family functions and always seems to be ready with an excuse for their absence. We may subscribe to denial every so often… not necessarily with intent to cause issues or hurt yet living in our fuzzy perception of reality, we also live in a state of denial... that maybe only those close to us can see quite clearly.


The big issues with denial come into play when someone is KNOWINGLY, MALICIOUSLY denying poor behavior on their part… and causing those who have been hurt by the perpetuator to question their very reality… wondering if they have fallen off their rocker, gone off the deep end, etc because their very sanity has come into question.


That's what a narcissist 

or sociopath does. 
They deny, deny and deny the things they do. 
They will never admit to doing anything wrong. 


Healthy functioning adults respect others and they will admit to their mistakes, their poor choices, their regrets. Yes, we may have a difficult time out of guilt, shame and sorrow… maybe even embarrassment. Maybe we stall for awhile to come forth and speak up and admit what we've done… but we eventually do… we swallow our pride, we humble ourselves, we ask God and or others for wise counsel and guidance and try our best to make amends.


Not a narcissist or sociopath.

They believe the one whom they hurt had it coming (punishing nature). Or they believe that the target is trying to manipulate them with some pitiful attempt at tears or is a weak idiot for being so "sensitive". 

The narcissist or sociopath will deny what he or she told you last year, last month or even last night. The narcissist or sociopath will deny they pressured you to do x,y,z. The narcissist or sociopath will deny you are sick… deny your symptoms or the severity of them… and will not help you with the medical care you need… we simply cannot count on someone of a narcissistic or sociopathic nature to come to our aid when we are in need of any kind… they will ALWAYS fail us… DENYING AN ISSUE… either saying we are exaggerating our problem and accusing us of being dramatic… calling us crazy or weak… as if we can't "get it together" like he or she.

"BANDAIDS DON'T FIX 

BULLET HOLES"

 - Taylor Swift, Bad Blood 

They will say: "I don't know what you're going to do…" essentially letting you take all responsibility for whatever the crises or issue is… you're on your own. With a narcissist or sociopath you're always on your own… they are the most unreliable, unhelpful individuals out there. They throw you in a pool of water and then scream at you that you're drowning…

"SWIM!!!!" 

They scream when they 

know you can't swim…

 and then walk off denying they ever threw you in the pool. 

They treat you terribly, scold you, criticize you, minimize your feelings, invalidate your reality, outright abuse you… and when you finally break and say: "I can't do this anymore" and walk away… they later tell you that you that they love you, you broke their heart and they just don't understand why you're treating them this way.

Fall 2013  

names have been omitted in this post 

****************

"That's not what he told me…" I said, my brows furrowed as I drove to the hotel we were heading to… in the darkness of night I slowly made my way along the inky street… my home was undergoing renovations and my mother and I had made arrangements for us to stay at a Hyatt hotel for a few nights. "He told me that he helped search for me while I was gone… "I told her, referring to when I had left home at seventeen during my junior year of high school… my father had always made it out like he had been an active participant in the search to bring me back home. For almost two decades my mother and I had never spoken of the time when I'd left and now we were finally discussing the incredibly touchy and unspoken time period in our lives for the first time in detail. Fast forward nineteen years to now it appeared I had been fed lies for years on end by him… he obviously never believing that eventually his lies would be found out… however many years later.


"Your father didn't do anything." My mother informed me. We passed fast food restaurants lit up in a bright array of neon colors in the night. Traffic ahead slowed to a halt at the red light and I eased to a stop. I blinked my bleary eyes ready to reach the hotel and get some much needed rest.

"He lied to you. He didn't search for you… "She told me. "Your grandmother and I searched all the local malls looking for you… we handed out fliers with your photo and our contact information on them to anybody we could… a few of them had seen you… your grandmother and I walked the halls of the high school… interrogating kids, we posted fliers and passed them out… trying to get any leads we could… your grandmother went to the police chief and begged for his help… we spoke with private detectives that informed us the Vietnamese gangs were the most dangerous… and that in general the Vietnamese community is close knit, closed off and nearly impossible to try to gain access to… we were doing everything we could think of… our next step was to go to the media and ask for help."

"What was dad doing?" I asked her even though by now deep down I already knew the answer.

"Working." She replied simply. "What he always did."

Silence. I let it all sink in… the harsh reality that he hadn't been out there looking for me… for years he had fed me one lie after another… that he was the one searching the malls, searching the school, that he had gone to the police chief, that he had paid the private detective the money to search for me… finding out my mother had actually paid for it. If I confronted him about the truth… he would deny it. He would never ever admit the truth. It wasn't worth my time or effort. That I knew without any hesitation or doubt.

***************

The narcissist or sociopath wants more than anything for their pristine image to remain intact… they want their life to be regarded as one to be envied, to be respected, to be without a smudge or scandal. They will deny any wrong doing, they will deny anything that doesn't place them in a positive light. Denial is self serving as that it always serves the person engaging in it. The narcissists actions or lack thereof always affects others… whether it's engaging in crazy-making (gas-lighting), projection, lies, etc… they have zero regard to how it affects everyone else. At any and all cost they will deny anything that will shed a negative light on themselves… because at the end of the day what they wish to do is keep a pristine image… and they can only do that by denying every truth you tell.


© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

To My Readers:
Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing!

RELATED POSTS:

WHEN NO ONE BELIEVES HE'S A NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH

11 THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY CHILDHOOD

Projection & Signs Of A Cheating Spouse

Fathers And Husbands: Protective Or Predatory

“Traveling At Speed Of Light” by digidreamgrafix via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

September 2015 

names have been omitted in this post, 
some descriptions have been changed 

****************

It was a Saturday night and I sat curled up in the booth across from him wearing black shorts and an oversized top… September was finally bringing cooler temperatures and we were thankful… with that it was time to indulge in some comfort food. Couples sat in nearby booths enjoying their southern-style meals and our friendly waitress stopped by to refill our glasses of iced tea and water along with dropping off another basket of warm rolls and cornbread. A hot plate of classic meat loaf, mashed potatoes with gravy and macaroni and cheese sat before me. Seated across from me, he sliced into his chicken fried steak and listened while I spoke…

"It was in the weeks after I returned home to my parents from being gone, that he sat outside the house everyday in his Mercedes waiting… " I said, referring to my rapist, as I took a bite of meat loaf.

"Waiting for you to come outside and see him?" He confirmed.

"Yeah" I nodded as I chewed. "My dad said it was embarrassing for him, a Vietnamese guy to be sitting outside like that… for the whole neighborhood to see… the neighbors likely wondering what he was doing out there. He was more concerned with appearances than anything. More concerned with things that didn't matter like race than what truly did matter in life like people's actions." I told him with a resigned look. "He wanted me to get rid of him. I told him I could go talk to him… ride around the block and tell him to stop coming around, explain things to him." I paused and then continued…"I didn't want to be in either place... neither was a good choice... it's bad when you need a third option, when you don't have a good option for a place to live because both are oppressive, not protective. But my dad agreed to me doing that and I went outside, got in his car to talk to him, to tell him to stop coming around."

Across from me seated in the booth, his jaw set, he looked at me and his eyes flashed with anger… "What father allows his daughter to do that?" He demanded. "I would have gone outside with my gun, shot out every single one of his tires so he couldn't drive off and then dealt with him myself."

I looked down at my fork and dabbed at my mashed potatoes, swirling the cream gravy atop it. "Yeah… I went through my years of anger toward him… but prayer helped a lot… I don't feel any anger toward him anymore. On some level I blamed myself initially… I told myself I put myself in a bad situation… what could I really expect? But as time passed I realized that wasn't a valid point. Bao whom I stayed with first always looked out for me. Protected me. He never crossed a line. So people always have the power to be protective or predatory. They make that choice. And race has nothing to do with it. There are people who do terrible things and those who don't no matter what race."I reflected.


He nodded and agreed, listening intently.

"My anger was much more intense toward my father." I told him. "Rage, really. Now I don't feel anything. Just done." I told him, took a sip of ice water and then continued, back to the point. "Ultimately my talk with him didn't go as I thought it would." I said, referring to my rapist. "I really thought I could reason with him. I had returned home without any interference from him but as time had passed he didn't take it well. So I got in his car, I tried to talk to him, my intentions were good, I was so messed up from being with him… I guess what you would call Stockholm syndrome. But… he took off and got on the freeway with me in the car. He wouldn't stop, he wouldn't listen. I told him to let me out. But he wouldn't…" I trailed off.

It was like yesterday… images of I-35 going by in a streak of bright colors lit up in the night from businesses as I peered out the window wishing I wasn't behind the glass. I remember grasping the pale gray leather hand rest in a panic and pleading with him to let me go. Now my mind switched gears from 1994 to the present and I looked at my friend sitting across from me in the booth wearing a ball cap.

He shook his head and looked at me, his eyes pained and his deep voice conveying care… "You don't have to relive it… " He told me, his presence one of warmth, reaching across the table to grasp my hand in comfort. I gently squeezed it back and smiled with appreciation for him.

*****************

A daughter… whether she's a girl, a teenager or young woman looks to her father for two things… being provided for and being protected by him. Her father is by far the most important male influence in her life and her relationship with him will set the tone for how she lives her teenage years… her promiscuity or lack thereof, her choices in men and later on whom she marries. But unfortunately father's may make the mistake of pulling away… withdrawing from her life erroneously believing that his wife, her mother can fill every need that must be met. Fathers, if they have sons as well, may put their focus primarily on them hence leaving their daughters out in the cold… leaving her questioning his love, affection and care. Girls and women want affirmation from their fathers that they are worthy and valued. If they don't feel this from their dads they look elsewhere for it… unfortunately often unwittingly in the arms of another man… a man who is not a good choice for them.

A girl sees how her father treats her mother… she is watching and taking mental notes even if not cognizant of it at the time… she is learning by her father's actions toward her mother how a man treats a woman… a woman he supposedly loves. She will note when he is impatient and barks at her mother… she will note when he intimidates her mother with his fist in a wall… she will notice when he drives erratically because her mother voices an opinion he doesn't like… she will live these various scenarios of abusive behavior and will one day look for a man who is just like her father… or at least some similar variation of him.

It's then that the toxic cycle continues and another generation suffers needlessly… when love is not protective and is certainly anything but love… but instead predatory/oppressive. 

pro·tec·tor

/prəˈtektər/

noun

a person or thing that protects someone or something

pred·a·to·ry

/ˈpredəˌtôrē/

adjective

seeking to exploit or oppress others

So it begins with fathers… what they say to their daughters, the time they spend with them and how they treat their wives will define whether they are protectors or predatory/oppressive in nature. Words are important and actions are even moreso. It will determine the type of man your daughter will one day marry… lay the groundwork now for who that will be… hopefully a man who would die for her, who will protect her, who will do anything to keep her safe and knows her great value as Christ's daughter.  


10 Things A Father Should Tell His Daughter:

1. God loves you. 
2. I love you. 
3. I love your mother. 
4. I'm glad you're here. 
5. You're beautiful. 
6. You matter. 
7. What you think, feel and believe matters. 
8. God wants you to wait to have sex until after you marry. 
9. Waiting to be sexually intimate until after you marry is what's best for you. 
10. No matter what I will always be here for you and love you. 


10 Questions A Father Should Ask His Daughter:

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
2. What do you dream about doing?
3. What matters to you?
4. What makes you cry?
5. What makes you laugh?
6. What do you like about me?
7. What do you dislike about me?
8. What do you like about yourself? 
9. What do you dislike about yourself? 
10. What do you believe about Jesus Christ? 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015                                                                                                                                                                            

we stand united together when we as citizens 

and the police remember that 

ALL LIVES MATTER 

RELATED POSTS:

The Narcissistic Sociopath: They Are Only Trying To Help You

11 Things I Learned From My Childhood

Child Custody/Possession Schedule & The Narc Ex: 4 Tips

What Every Daughter Needs To Hear From Her Parents

“Dad And Daughter Playing Airplane” 

by imagery majestic via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Daughters.

From the moment they are conceived we as parents have so much hope for them.

We hope for a smooth birth, on-target developmental milestones, a childhood of sweet memories, a solid education, a relationship with Christ, a circle of loving folks who care about them… people who have their best interests who pray for and help guide them to adulthood.

Then one day they meet a man…

and they get engaged to soon marry.

We, along with our daughter, may fall into the woozy trap of pre-wedding bliss… becoming wrapped up in the dizzying spin of wedding plans… bridal registry, gifts, dresses, color schemes, venues, cakes and vows… we become all-consumed with helping to choose the right invites, the most flattering photographer and the best honeymoon destination.

As parents we are there, side by side… helping, guiding and giving input, albeit perhaps not always wanted… we are fluttering about, worrying about details that perhaps are not really truly important at the end of the day but that seem so then.

But in all those moments… in all those whirlwind days of shopping, of ohhh's and awe's… there were without a doubt a moment or two that brought tears to your eyes… a moment or two that pulled your heartstrings… that made you think to yourself: I want to freeze time; this moment with her.

And then, it's gone. Just like that.

But there is one moment as a parent you really need to have with your daughter.

Before you proceed to walk her down the aisle on that save the date…

Before you clasp her sweet hand in yours and lean in to whisper "I love you"…

Before you nod to the groom and peck her blushed cheek as you give her away…

Please take a moment… take one moment to tell your daughter this:

"You're always welcome back home." 


Granted, you may like the man she's marrying… you may steadfastly believe that she's about to become one with an honorable, kind, trustworthy and faithful man. You may hold him in high esteem and already consider him to be like a son to you. You may have already seen him handle difficulties with your daughter with grace, understanding and love. You may have already seen him as a mixture of strength and sweetness when your daughter has admittedly been less than lovely. You may have already witnessed his ability to admit he was wrong in a humble manner. You may have complete faith that this couple is fully capable of putting Christ first and keeping their covenant sacred above all other relationships. You may with complete certainty believe he loves her without a doubt… with his whole heart and would without question lay down his own life in any situation for your daughter.

BUT… WHAT IF YOU'RE WRONG?

What if he's not who you think he is?
What if he's not truly who he's portrayed himself as?
What if he is not anything like what you believe him to be?


All fathers… all parents need to have an all important conversation with their daughter when they marry… that in the event this man is not who he has claimed to be… that if indeed this man turns out to be a walking nightmare… if his mask falls bit by bit after the wedding day… or even years down the road… she needs to be told in no uncertain words she is always welcome back home.


She needs to be told she does not have to take abuse.
She needs to be told she doesn't have to "suck it up and keep trying."
She needs to be told she doesn't have to worry you won't want her back.
She needs to be told that cheating doesn't have to be
 "tolerated" and swept under the rug.
She needs to be told she doesn't have to be concerned with such frivolous things like how she and two children would merge back into your home…
even if only for an interim because they are ALWAYS welcome.
She needs to be told that you will not be angry with her.
She needs to be told "It will be okay and we will figure it out."
She needs to be told that you will be there for her. Always. Any time day or night.
She needs to be told that it is okay to say "I made a mistake. I'm coming home."


One day you will "give away" your little girl… you will hand over your leadership, your protection, your financial providing... to her soon to be husband… entrusting he will step up to the plate and handle his responsibilities well.

Hopefully as your daughter's primary male role model, as her father, you have taught her that ultimately she is God's daughter; that she is worthy of being loved and loved well… that she is loved by Christ who died for her on the cross… that she has a Savior who adores her and in turn she has sought a man who reflects love.

But if for whatever reason her happily ever after ends up becoming the worst nightmare ever…

Let her know she is always welcome back home.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

5 Tips For Father's:

1. It's so important that fathers have developed an intentional disciple-type relationship with whom their daughter is planning to marry. You have an awesome opportunity to help guide this man spiritually and model being a good husband for him through your own actions.

2. Don't wait for your daughter's boyfriend to come to you asking for her hand in marriage… be proactive. Ask him what his intentions are; show him you take an active role in her life, not a passive one.

3. Today, we have so many jokes (at least in the South) about dad's being trigger happy regarding their daughters and whom their dating. But the truth is… above all father's need to have discernment; is the guy she's dating a genuinely good guy at heart, a believer, just spiritually still immature? There's a difference between that guy and a sociopath… it's essential for you to figure out which one he is.

4. Being honest with him in your conversations helps him see how you've grown in your role as husband and father. Admit to any stumbles you've had along the way and how your perspective has changed… being an emotionally and spiritually healthy man doesn't equate to never admitting faults.

5. Set expectations for how you believe she should be treated. Let him know in no uncertain terms that abuse at any time, in any way, shape, or form is not to be accepted… and that no matter how much you like someone she marries… if that happens your door is wide open for her to return at any time.

RELATED POSTS: 

A Father Impacts His Daughter's View Of God: 5 Tips For Dads

Talking To Your Child Regarding Their Parent's Poor Choices: 5 Tips

How To Be A Good Father: 7 Tips

Thank you for reading, 

commenting and sharing! 

Dear Prodigal Daughter: I've Been There

“Woman With A Very Sad Expression In Dramatic Interior” 

by Sira Anamwong via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

As I sit here and type my daughter sleeps soundly beside me… stuffed animals and a cherished Madame Alexander baby doll are tucked in amongst us. Each week she gets to pick a night to crash in my room and naturally also an entourage of bears, hello kitties, even an alligator arrives along with storybooks and giggles. Twinkle lights above give off a soft glow and the light from the laptop shines like a beacon in the dark room after she's fallen asleep. As parents we wish for sweet dreams for our children, for good rest, for mornings filled with smiles and the pattering of small feet ready to start the day and eat a healthy breakfast. We pray for God's word to guide them in all they do, we pray for their protection, we focus on their education and even contemplate their future one day… we take into account every talk we need to have, we model good choices and scrutinize how we can improve… we talk to God, our mother, our sister, our friends, our pastor for feedback on raising these precious children who will one day be adults. Essentially we try to do everything we can to ensure that our children will be fully prepared with wisdom and discernment to be Godly adults in a responsible manner… in regards to their future relationships, their career, even their health and safety but unfortunately, try as we might, that doesn't always pan out either due to poor choices in our parenting and or unfortunate sins chosen by our children.

Children become teens and then young adults and unfortunately just because someone turns twenty, twenty-one or even twenty-two, etc does not equate to them being ready for the adult world. As parents, we may cringe at the choices they make… they are so excited to finally (!) be making choices of their own that they are perhaps making them without thinking through the possible consequences.

As a teen I was so ready to get out of my parents house (truth be told I wasn't the only one) I made unwise choices… sometimes we want to escape a dark place so badly (which in some cases may be justified or not) that we trade one harmful environment for another… seemingly innocent at first; but then weeks, months, even years down the road we realize we are up a creek and don't have a paddle. We may realize we shoulda just stayed where we were and hung in a little longer. Fast forward down the road the situation is so far gone we may have no idea how to escape the whole new hell were in and we long for the days of back when… if only we could begin again and not have chosen the path we took.


Dear Prodigal Daughter:

It's always the same story it seems… my parents don't understand me. My parents don't listen. My parents are uncool and don't get it. My parents think I make bad decisions. My parents think I'm rebellious. My parents think I'm bad. My parents think I'm a troublemaker.

You're right… you're not bad, you're not a troublemaker, probably not even rebellious. But maybe you're idealistic, maybe you're naive, maybe immature, maybe, just maybe despite your good intentions there is a possibility that you're just plain wrong. Or maybe your parent(s) is/are abusive and you're ready to escape no matter what the alternative environment might be.

You say you love him, this guy you're with. You've committed yourself to him and the relationship. You move in together. You tell everyone how wonderful he is. You coo and oooo over how cute he is, how cool he is… how he's the mac to your cheese… to the outsiders that you share limited information about the relationship with he seems like a dream come true. On social media it's all gloss, sunshine and ponies who poop confetti… you and your guy are the epitome of the perfect couple… photo after photo ensue and the upbeat comments posted only serve to validate it all.

But behind closed doors is another story… behind closed doors is the truth. Behind closed doors is the stinking decay of what is to come however much we don't want to acknowledge it… a future that lacks peace, love and beauty but instead a future that will bear struggle, division and resentment… ultimately regret.

But maybe you don't believe me.

Perhaps you have one car you must share… and typically you're left without a ride. Maybe you don't have a job because he hasn't allowed you to get one… isn't it just too sweet how he's "taking care of you" like that? Uh huh. Maybe you're both working overtime to pay off all his debts… wait, why are you paying on his debt? Shouldn't he step up and handle that himself? Or perhaps you're the one with the job… and working your tail off to support the two of you… while he… wait, what does he do, again? Oh, yeah… nothing. He does nothing. Or maybe he is busy… with the remote, with a six pack of beer, or sniffing something up his nose… or maybe he's busy in the bedroom with another chick while you bust your butt all day making minimum wage. Minimum wage? Yeah… because didn't he decide that there wasn't enough money for you to finish school? Or maybe you decided out of the goodness of your little ole heart to put your dreams and education on the back burner… how noble… while he did whatever he wished. What you may not realize yet is that there will never be a better time for you to finish that education… the best time is now not later. What you may not realize is that any man who sits on his rear while you go earn the money and fry the bacon too is not a man. A guy who allows you to sacrifice your goals and dreams so he can get ahead in life is not partnership material. The man who tries to control whether you work, who you see, how you spend your time is not a man for you.

You're what? You're pregnant, you say? Oh, let me guess… he lied and said he couldn't have kids… (I've heard about every story out there) or he hid your birth control, or maybe you now realize birth control is not 100% effective (yikes) as you originally believed. Maybe guilt eats at you day and night and you regret the act(s) you participated in and wish more than anything you could have that re-do. But now he wants you to get an abortion? Let's ponder this… Is he going to pick and choose which children you keep if you get married one day? Are ya'll gonna draw straws or what? If he's not utilizing self control regarding sex with you now, what makes you believe he can once you're married one day? How can you trust he won't have a "slip up";  a hot and heavy false step with another woman? The truth is… you can't. Can people change? Yes, without a doubt with spiritual growth not another human... So do you want to bet your future on him being capable of changing?

Maybe he wants you to keep the baby. Now he's talking marriage, "I do's" and rings… slipping a ring, er, bandaid on the situation isn't going to fix it… the truth is… getting hitched doesn't make having a baby out of wedlock like it didn't happen… why put a child through the inevitable reality of a likely divorce down the road? There is the chance he will feel trapped one day; that you got pregnant on purpose to get a proposal… there is a chance you might always wonder who else you could have married if it hadn't been for "sucking it up and trying to make it work" because you're now carrying a tiny human that brings you together forever… adding the pressures of marriage on top of a child's arrival in nine months? Perhaps the best thing to do is co-parent to the best of your ability and do a "wait and see"… if it works out, great… if not, move on.


I've been there in several of these scenarios. 


The truth is… these scenarios are amongst many many others women find themselves in everyday… and the phrase "find themselves in" is not to be taken as not taking responsibility for the choices one made but to point out the fact that many times what we do truly believe to be good-intentioned, sound decisions at one point we later find ourselves (sometimes years later) shaking our heads in astonishment and sorrow that we could have ever EVER at one time believed we were making good choices. We now look back with complete disbelief and a desire to slap ourselves upside the face (!) wondering what on earth we were thinking… for now the reality of our past poor decisions sit squarely before us with stark clarity.

So why didn't we just tell the guy: "Look, if you don't get your you-know-what-together" I'm outta here!… or "If you don't start treating me the way I should be treated" peace out! Why don't we speak up? Why don't we just tell him if he doesn't start doing x,y,z were outta there and were hiking it home to mama and/or daddy?

Likely it goes back to pride. 

Your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God. Deuteronomy 8:14

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor. James 4:10 (NLT)

If we do see an issue and yet waffle with leaving it's usually due to how we will be perceived once home. Will we be told: "I told you so!" when we return by our family? Will we be sneered at and made fun of? Will we be put down and berated for "being such an idiot"? Will we be met with tension, friction and judgment instead of joy, mercy and grace?

Will we return home to open arms? To thankful smiles and tight-as-you-can-squeeze hugs? Will there be anger and resentment or warmth and forgiveness? Will there be affirmation we are important and mean something to them or will we be met with hostility and reproach? Will we be trusted and shown love or will we be treated like a prisoner and dished out hate?

Sometimes we fear returning and admitting we were wrong.
Sometimes we fear returning and facing the people we left behind.
Sometimes we fear returning and dealing with whatever reaction is waiting for us.

Like the prodigal son in the bible who returns we may wonder if we will be met with open arms, warmth, love and forgiveness…  or detachment, coldness, resentment and wrath.

Your earthly father may hug you but have a grudge in his heart.
Your earthly father may never look at you with love again.
Your earthly father may not let you return.

Our sins in life against others are ultimately also sins against Christ. 

When were young we want more than anything to be free.
To make our own decisions.
To make our own way.
To live our life.

But the further we stray from home, from our Father, the worse off we will be.

The great news is:
Christ won't turn His back on you.

Our Father In Heaven is ready to recover the lost.

No matter what your earthly father says or does take heart in knowing that Christ died for you… you're His beloved daughter and no matter how far away you run, who you're with, how badly you've stumbled… Christ is there to love you and welcome you with open arms.

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

read about the prodigal son here

A Father Impacts His Daughter's View Of God: 5 Tips For Dads

“Approve Reject Computer Keys” by Stuart Miles via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Fathers and Daughters

Fathers, do you have any idea the amount of power you play in your daughter's life?

Your power for the positive or negative is huge.

Daughters want to view their fathers as protectors, providers, leaders, 

competent, trustworthy and moral. 

DAUGHTERS SEEK APPROVAL 

AND ACCEPTANCE FROM THEIR DADS

It is imperative that fathers are setting the example that their daughters so desperately need in order to thrive in life… in all areas; emotionally and socially. A father is the first man a girl has in her life so it's incredibly important that she is able to connect well with him, to be capable of trusting him and see him as strong in good values and decision making. There is certainly no relationship more vital than the one that sets the foundation between father and daughter… as it sets the tone for her relationship with all other men in her life… future husband included if she marries.


Can she trust her father? 

Well, that depends… is he making choices that deem him trustworthy? If he's attending church regularly, if he's actively following Christ, if he's leading the family in prayer, if he's taking the time to connect with his children, if he's balancing work with down time, if he's not speeding, not drinking to excess, not lying, etc… if he's making morally sound decisions on a daily basis… she will come to find with time that yes, his actions match his words and he can be trusted. However, if he's practicing road rage, flying off the handle at his family, drinking, cheating, lying, working all the time, being emotionally, verbally and or physically abusive… he will show his daughter bit by bit that he cannot be trusted… that his words are meaningless… that when he speaks everyone might as well drown him out with deaf ears because anything he utters is a lie.

Eventually if he proves over time he is not capable of leadership, of morally sound actions, his daughter will pull away. She won't feel safe. She won't respect him. She will find herself feeling derision toward him each and every time he proves once again he's merely a sham.

******************

March 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

I set my keys and the warm pizza box on the kitchen counter along with an aluminum foil container.

"Grab a fork and an extra plate and I'll split this Fettuccine Alfredo with you, sweet pea." I told my daughter as I grabbed a stack of white napkins from the wicker basket atop the counter.

"Okay!' She said and scampered to the utensil drawer. I quickly began assembling everything we needed on the wood coffee table in the den including two glasses of water. She pulled up a couple ottomans and after we sat down I opened the pizza box.

"Oh, yum! I want pizza too!" She said and I swiftly set a large cheesy slice of pepperoni pizza on her plate beside her pasta.  "Thank you for dinner, Mommy." She said and added "And thank you for having them add chicken to the fettuccine. It's way yummier."

"Yeah, it is!" I replied with a grin "You're welcome. I love Joe's Pasta and Pizza." I smiled at her. It was the perfect cozy night at home with her, eating Italian to go and spending time together.

As we talked she said "So… guess what? Daddy… he told me that God is not my Daddy."

I stopped mid-chew and looked at her "What?"

"Yeah… I told Daddy that he's my dad and that God is too. But Daddy told me that God is not my dad, just he is." She told me.

Silence. I was getting pretty fed up with having to clean up the messes he continued to make.

A FATHER IMPACTS HOW A CHILD SEES GOD

“Family With Two Children” by Ambro 

via FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

  A GODLY MAN IS HUMBLE AND KNOWS THAT ULTIMATELY GOD IS IN CHARGE. HE IS A LEADER IN THE HOME FOR CHRIST. HE IS BOTH SERVANT AND WARRIOR FOR GOOD ON EARTH.

Finally I spoke "That's not true. God is your Daddy… God is our Heavenly Father. If you're a believer you believe God is your dad and he sent his only son Jesus Christ to earth to die for our sins. God was Christ in the flesh. Daddy is your father but he's your earthly father."

She picked the chicken out of her fettuccine eating it first then starting on the pasta. "Oh… so he lied. Again. Why did he tell me that?" She pondered aloud. "I guess if he doesn't think God is my dad then he thinks he isn't his either." She spun fettuccine on her fork "If he doesn't believe God is our father then maybe he doesn't believe in God at all." She said. I watched the pasta swirl on her small fork and I sighed.

"I don't know." I replied then added "But I do know that you have every right to believe in God and what the bible tells you." I told her.

******************

In John 14:9-10 Jesus said, "Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work."

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015

5 Thing's For Father's To Tell Their Daughters:

1. You are wonderfully and fearfully made (Psalm 139:14)
2. You are loved and accepted (Romans 15:7)
3. You are God's daughter (2 Corinthians 6:18)
4. Christ died for you (John 3:16) 
5. Forgiveness and grace are for you and others (2 Corinthians 12:9) 

RELATED POSTS: 

Husbands: Loving God's Daughter

Girl's & Life: Everyday We Have A Choice

How To Be A Good Father: 7 Tips

Talking To Your Child Regarding Their Parent's Poor Choices: 5 Tips

“Help Sign” by nongpimmy via FreeDigitalPhotos.net

March 20th, 2015 

names have been omitted in this post 

***************

It was a late Friday afternoon… I'd just picked up my daughter from school and as we made our way through sheets of March rain, the windshield wipers swiped back and forth, the sound of water rushing on either side of the SUV's tires. Water was quickly beginning to flood the streets and yet I pressed forward with caution trying to avoid the worst spots that were pooling in the right lane we were in.


From the backseat my daughter was in the midst of telling me about her week spent at her dad's house with her brother. As she spoke I felt dread rising up in me. These conversations were of situations I never thought for a second my children would be experiencing one day when I decided to have a family.


"… Mommy, this woman that Daddy picked up from the airport, she stayed at our house. She's from London, so she had an accent. And she slept in Daddy's bed!"


"Uh, huh…" I murmured, sick of hearing how once again he was setting a simply stellar example for our two children. I sighed, sitting at the red light waiting for it to change so we could continue.


The radio played softly…

… Yeah I want to feel the sunshine
Shining down on me and you
When you put your arms around me
You let me know there's nothing in this world I can't do

I used to run in circles going nowhere fast
I'd take one step forward and took two steps back
I couldn't walk a straight line even if I wanted to
I want to love somebody, love somebody like you

Oh here we go now, ooo, yeah,
Hey I want to love ya baby,
Oh oh, oh oh ...

Read more: Keith Urban - Somebody Like You Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

I WANT TO STAND IN THE SUN, 

I thought to myself… 

"But you won't believe this!" She continued, "He tells me she has a three year old daughter. So I was like "Well, then where is her daughter if she's here? I mean, who is watching her kid?" And he tells me "I guess her husband." "

"SHE'S MARRIED???!!!"

I nearly shriek, 

my hands griping the wheel. 

Green light

 I hit the gas and I glance 

in the rearview mirror. 

She nods at me with affirmation.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON BUT HE'S LOST HIS MIND!!!! I thought to myself… This is NOT moral behavior! This is NOT acceptable! His behavior is out of control! THIS IS JUST RIDICULOUS!!!! It was like the whole world had gone mad, like I had hopped down the rabbit hole and I was Alice wondering what everyone else had had to drink. 

Pulling over to the bank parking lot I slip into a spot and sit.
I was suddenly too tired to go in and make my deposit.

The wipers go back and forth, rain continuing to come down hard. Dressed in gray skinny jeans, boots, jean jacket, and a now wrinkled white shirt that I'd turned back the sleeves on, I rest my forearms on the taupe leather steering wheel, leaning in and put my head down and weep. I cannot believe this is my children's childhood. All this mess. All this nonsense. Would it ever stop? He had zero control… no, strike that… he CHOSE to have zero control over his physical urges. Tears slipped out and silence engulfed us as I wept. It was bad enough he had cheated, it was bad enough he'd continued to parade his sex life around our children during and post divorce with women who were single… but now this? A married woman? It seemed there was nothing off limits. It was bad enough that he chose this path on his own time, at his own discretion, but in front of our children? That was what upset me. It was sickening for any parent, man or woman to have to witness the effects of these actions on their child time and time again… thinking that this is moral behavior for an adult in their life. 

Hurt for my children struck my heart and as Keith Urban sung his country melody, his voiced wafting through the vehicle, I just wanted someone to hold me. Two strong arms to melt into and someone to say "I'm here." I wanted a person to not attempt to fix something they couldn't, but just say:

"This sucks. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." 

Maybe that's what I needed to tell my daughter. So I began telling her what I myself needed to hear. That yes, baby, this sucks but we are trying to get through it the best we can and you know what? I am here, I'm not going anywhere. And that God was too. I thought to myself, This is all so out of control… I don't even KNOW what to pray for anymore! God, I just pray for whatever you see fit! Just whatever this needs please intervene! 

Sometimes our prayers in the pit of despair are comparable to throwing up our arms and simply asking for whatever intervention is needed. God always knows what is needed, what can be seen through the fogginess of a circumstance because He is all knowing... nothing is too big for Him to handle, for He can create change, He can turn tables, He can calm troubled waters in an instant, He can do anything at all... we just need faith no matter how small. 

© gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 

When your burdens seem big as mountains and you find yourself wondering what on earth to pray for, take heart in knowing you are not alone… the truth is God already knows when we need comfort and interceding. Romans 8:26-27 promises us that we will helped when we are filled with weakness and despair, when we don't even know where to begin in our prayers. All we need to do when we are at a loss of words is ask that God hear our groans, our unspoken cries. 

Romans 8:26

New International Version (NIV)

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

5 Tips In Talking To Your Child

About Their Parent's Poor Behavior: 

1. Be honest with them. If a child asks about a parents behavior, whatever it may be, don't lie. It sets a terrible example and only serves to set enabler-type behavior by covering for the other parent. Explain simply the amount of information that is age appropriate and that is acceptable to share. 

2. Acknowledge the fact that the behavior is negatively affecting everyone and that the child has every right to be angry, sad, disappointed about it. Remind your child that they always have you to talk to about it when needed and they are NOT alone. 

3. Encourage your child that they can pray for the person but that it's also important that they practice self care; they can journal when/if they are struggling. 

4. Remind your child that yes, all families have problems, that there is no perfect family. However, also stress the severity of how the parent's behavior does impact all family members. 

5. Affirm to the child that the parent's behavior is NOT their fault. They didn't cause it nor is it their job to take on the responsibility of the parent getting their act together.